Grief: The Defining and Inevitable Journey

By Eugene Wilson

Annual Symposium Urshan Graduate School of Theology Florissant, Mo. November 6-7, 2008

2  

Grief: The Defining and Inevitable Journey There is more to grief than what one might first imagine. It is complex, multi-faceted, and can be found among people of all nationalities and cultures. No one is immune from grief. Grief stems from irrevocable loss. The good news is the inevitable journey of grief produces blessings that would have otherwise gone unrealized. Grief creates opportunities for spiritual growth. This paper addresses these issues and deals with the role that the Christian counselor fulfills in assisting people who are grieving. Grief’s Origin The origin of grief can be traced back to the beginning of the human race. The Book of Genesis records humanity’s first encounter with it (Genesis 3:1-4:13). It took place in the Garden of Eden when Eve ate of the fruit of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and gave the fruit to Adam to eat. The first loss was a loss of innocence, followed by loss of position, loss of relationship, loss of comfort, and a loss of a style of living. Shortly thereafter, Cain killed his brother Abel and humanity experienced its first loss of human life. These losses produced feelings of grief. Adam and Eve experienced grief and so did Cain. Grief Defined The word grief comes from the Greek word lupe, which means sorrow, heaviness or burden (Strong's Numbers and Concordance, 1994). Grief comes in various forms and impacts people on many different levels. Although grief is usually associated with the loss of a loved one, any type of loss can generate grief. Essentially, grief involves a loss of that which can never be reclaimed to the state that it once was. Grief may come suddenly without warning or it may be long anticipated.

   

3  

When it comes to grief no one is untouchable; it is impossible to avoid grief. It is no respecter of persons; people of all races, cultures, age, and gender experience it. One can resist it, shun it, and fail to embrace it, but no one can escape it. Solomon stated, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2). His insight certainly applies to grief. Grief is an inevitable journey that no one is immune from experiencing. Grief is multi-faceted Grief is a multi-faceted experience that affects people physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially, and philosophically. Consider an individual who experiences grief that stems from involuntary job loss. Grief associated with involuntary job loss has been known to cause denial, anger, a sense of purposelessness, loneliness, abandonment, fear, and self-blame (Antczak, 1999). Although a loss of job “certainly does not have the finality, total irreversibility, or universality of the death of a loved one, involuntary job loss can be a very real death, as is implied in the language individuals use to describe the event” (p. 448). A loss of job is not only a loss of income; it is also a loss of relationships, self-worth, future, status, comfort, lifestyle, and confidence. Feelings of grief generated by involuntary job loss can be substantial. There are many different types of losses that can produce grief. For example, an individual may grieve over past mistakes/failures; an elderly person may grieve over the loss of youth and vitality; a minister’s widow may grieve over the loss of a ministry as well as the loss of her husband. A divorcee may grieve over the loss of companionship, loss of lifestyle, and loss of covenant. If children are involved, a divorcee may grieve over the loss of a child. I recently spoke with a person whose child, due to divorce, lives in a different state. She said she was grieving as though her son was dead. She told of standing in her son’s closet and smelling his    

4  

clothes in an attempt to get a scent of him. Grief can generate a wide range of emotions/reactions such as disbelief, numbness, anger, abandonment, sorrow, helplessness, guilt, hopelessness, doubt, and anxiety. Grief is complicated The concept of grief being complicated can be seen in the death of a child. “The loss of a child is perhaps the one bereavement experience that most violates previous held assumptions and meanings” (Wheeler, 2001, p. 53). Although death comes to all, it is naturally assumed that a child will outlive his parents. The loss of a child surpasses human reasoning and logic. The complexity of grief increases when the death of a child involves a childhood loss of a sibling. For example, “research has shown that, from a developmental perspective, adolescence is the most difficult time to lose a sibling” (Horsley & Patterson, 2006, p. 122). It can take years for bereaved children to work through grief. Bereaved children are often overlooked and have been known to carry more of a burden than is readily recognized. In a study conducted by Horsley & Patterson, bereaved children acknowledged that they felt pressure to ignore or postpone their own grief and remain strong for their parents. The pressure to suppress their own grief for the sake of their parents often came through hidden messages sent from the parents. How a parent expresses grief is a determining factor in the extent to which a child is able to express grief. Studies show that a “parent’s excessive display of emotion served to interrupt the adolescents’ grief, and had an adverse effect on them because they comforted their parents and repressed their own bereavement responses” (Horsley & Patterson, 2006, p. 132). In addition, parents who have experienced the loss of a child may become overprotective of remaining children. An overprotective parent may hinder how a child processes grief, as well as the overall development of the child. “In families where children are not allowed to frankly    

5  

express their feelings or talk about the deceased, the surviving children often feel overlooked and consequently alone in their grief” (Horsley & Patterson , 2006, p. 121). When considering the complexity of grief in relationship to bereaved children, it is of little surprise that statistics show that over one-third of children suffer a major depressive disorder one year after bereavement (Kaufman & Kaufman, 2006). Dealing with Grief No two individuals are alike. Different personalities, different worldviews, different life experiences, different cultures, etc., generate different ways in dealing with grief. When it comes to handling grief, a one-size-fits-all mentality does not work. There are however, several models and theories that have been known to be beneficial in assisting an individual who is dealing with grief. Two of such models are: the stage model and meaning making. The stage model One of the first models to offer help with dying and bereavement was a stage model. Stage models approach grief in a confrontational manner. Stage models believe that an individual must pass through certain stages in order to properly deal with grief. The most well known stage model is the Kubler-Ross stages of grief model (Marcu, 2007). This stage theory of grief stemmed from Kubler-Ross’ observations of terminally ill individuals and was used to help terminally ill patients transition through various stages of dying. From Kubler-Ross’ observation, terminally ill people experience the following stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The Kubler-Ross stage theory of grief has been around since 1969 and is still accepted as a viable means in assisting people who are grieving (Marcu, 2007). Although critics have pointed out that Kubler-Ross’s stage model was originally intended to assist terminally ill patients, and    

6  

therefore should not be used to assist individuals dealing with bereavement, a recent empirical study has shown support for Kubler-Ross’s stage theory of grief, and in particular, the acceptance stage (Maciejewski, Zang, Block, & Prigerson, 2007). Meaning making In contrast to stage models, many of the current grief counseling paradigms focus on a process called “meaning making.” Meaning making consists of two major components: 1) the cognitive perspective, and 2) the existential perspective (Wheeler, 2001). The cognitive perspective consist of a “search for understanding and coherence that has been shattered by a crisis,” whereas the existential perspective is a “search for reinvestment in life when previous goals and purpose have been challenged by a traumatic life event” (p. 52). “Meaning making is the process of a (re-) constructing of schemes and representations, so that in the feeling of order, coherence is reestablished” (Marcu, 2007, p. 398). Meaning making involves readjustment. “Adjusting to loss does not only imply making meaning about death or bereavement, but also making meaning about oneself and the life changes that loss brings” (p. 411). Meaning making is a process, not a cognitive conclusion concerning a matter (Marcu). From this perspective it appears that meaning making and the Kubler-Ross stage of acceptance are closely related. Meaning making generates acceptance. Grieving Christians A person’s belief system plays a vital role in how he deals with grief. People who possess a belief system that is based on an accurate understanding of scriptural truths will find comfort in the midst of their grief. The grieving Christian receives strength in knowing that those who are dead in Christ shall live again (I Thessalonians 4:16), and therefore, death is swallowed up in victory (I Corinthians 15:54). The grieving Christian understands that his strength is made    

7  

perfect in weakness and that God’s grace is sufficient (I Corinthians 12: 9-10); the grieving Christian takes comfort in knowing that “all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). The application of scriptural principles makes it possible for a grieving person to come to a place of acceptance. Ultimately, for the grieving Christian, acceptance is the byproduct of meaning making and meaning making is generated from an accurate understanding of God’s ways. This is not to say that a Christian is immune from grief. Jesus wept (John 11:35); He was a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3); and He asked if He could circumvent the cup of suffering (Matthew 26:39). Likewise, Christians experience grief; Christians experience loss. However, a grieving Christian can tap into a source of strength that comes from his relationship with God. The apostle Paul said he had learned in whatsoever state he was in to be content; he knew how to be abased and how to abound (Philippians 4:11-12). He had suffered the loss of all things, but he counted them as rubbish (Philippians 3:8). Paul was consumed with Christ; he was consumed with knowing Christ. Nothing was as important to Paul as his relationship with God. It is no wonder that he said, “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). Paul was not afraid of loss; he embraced it. A Christian Counselor’s Perspective If the aim of counseling is to change people, then the question is to what, and for what, is the Christian counselor seeking to change people? Author Jay Adams (1986) said, “All counseling change is a matter of greater or lesser love towards God” (p. xiii). A Christian counselor’s central focus must be the spiritual growth of the counselee. The concept that grief is an emotion to be shunned or a process to be endured for a period of time, fails to acknowledge    

8  

the “power of grief to act as a catalyst for positive change and growth” (Riley, LaMontagne, Hepworth, & Murphy, 2007, p. 278). God uses grief and loss as instruments to produce spiritual growth. Although change is often a painful process, joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5). Good is often discovered in the process of grief. A significant loss can challenge a person’s “philosophical/religious beliefs and an individual’s fundamental assumptions about the meaning of life and death” (Wheeler, 2001, p. 53). When it comes to dealing with grief, the need for spiritual maturity cannot be overstated. Human relationships are not limited to people only, they are always connected to God. Therefore, human relationships are a three-way affair. How a person deals with grief will always be impacted by his relationship with God. Core values and beliefs are crucial elements to the process of grieving. Grief has a way of revealing conflict that exists between ideal and real, between belief and reality, between what a person claims to believe and how he lives. Christian counselors can be of great assistance in helping people identify and correct wrong assumptions. Grief produces an opportunity for a person to choose the path of spiritual maturity, and consequently, choose life. Christian counselors can help point the way. The manner in which a person lives his life is often a reflection of how he will pass from life. I was recently reminded of this while visiting an elderly lady. She relayed the story of how she had checked herself into a nursing home because she did not want her children to have to make the decision. In the process of selling her home she became concerned about what she should do with the things that she and her late husband had accumulated through the years. She said that in prayer one day the Lord asked her what would happen to her things if she was dead. She replied, “Lord I wouldn’t care.” God then spoke to her these words: “Then act as though you

   

9  

are dead.” She told me that she did not know what had happened to her stuff, which child or grandchild got what or what they had done with it. Furthermore, she said she did not care. As far as she was concerned, she was going to live as though she was dead. When I asked her how she felt, she replied, “I have never felt so free in all of my life.” The manner in which this godly saint has lived her life is a reflection of how she is passing from this life. Again, an individual’s core values and beliefs are crucial elements in the process of grieving and are often revealed in moments of grief. Hope and healing The Christian counselor extends hope to the hopeless. It is important that the Christian counselor understands that people need hope and healing. According to authors Hawkins, Hinson, and Clinton (2006) in Pastoral Care and Counseling: We rely too much on the preaching and teaching ministries of our pastors. We are far too cognitive and propositional in our approach to maturing people in Christ. We are fairly good at being the spiritual school, but we are failing to be the spiritual hospital that so many need (p. 415). The Christian counselor must understand his purpose. The Christian counselor’s purpose is not the same as a secular counselor’s purpose. Unlike a secular counselor, the Christian counselor is focused on the spiritual life of the counselee. How a counselor responds to a grieving person is affected by the counselor’s personal understanding of scriptural truths and principles. When it comes to dealing with grieving people the Christian counselor needs to be spiritually mature, have an accurate understanding of scriptural principles, and possess sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. Furthermore, the Christian counselor must be actively engaged in personal spiritual growth and spiritual disciplines.    

10  

In addition, in order to minister to all types of people, the Christian counselor must be acutely aware of the many different types of losses. Unfortunately, there are times when those who are dealing with grief mask it in such a way that it is unrecognizable; it is difficult to minister to what is not recognized. Counselors who learn to recognize loss will find that there is “ample opportunity for practically sharing the compassion and love that leads to greater hope, deeper faith, and transformative growth” (Antczak, 1999, p. 460). Hospitality Author Henri Nouwen (1975), in his book Reaching Out: the Three Movements of the Spiritual Life, suggests that one of the keys to ministering to those who are hurting is hospitality. Hospitality involves the creating of space. It involves the generating of an environment that is conducive to a person sharing his hurts. Grieving people need to feel safe in opening up and sharing their innermost being. A person who does not feel safe will not open up. When a person does not feel safe he will withdraw from others. Withdrawing from others makes it difficult for a grieving person to receive healing. A key scriptural principle associated with healing is: life is in the blood and blood flows through the body (Leviticus 17:11). For example, if a person injures his finger, and then determines that the best course of action involves severing the finger from the body until it is healed, the finger would certainly die. In contrast, if the finger remains attached to the body, the blood flow of the body will bring healing to the finger. Likewise, it is paramount that the grieving Christian remains attached to the body of Christ (the church) if he is to receive healing. The body edifies and builds up itself (I Thessalonians 5:11; Ephesians 4:12). The Christian counselor must guard against sending erroneous messages that grief is an unacceptable form of expression for a person of faith. The Christian counselor must avoid    

11  

clichés and quick judgments. He must also guard against projecting a know-it-all attitude towards a counselee. The Christian counselor bears the message of hope and healing, not condemnation. Hospitality is a crucial element in counseling. The Christian counselor must exemplify the gift of hospitality while assisting others in the inevitable journey of grief. Practical Insights There are many practical things that should and should not be done when helping a grieving person. Author Lynn Kelly (2000), in her book Don’t Ask for the Dead Man’s Golf Clubs, lists a few of them, such as: if you offer to help children, mean it. She said, “After my husband died, every guy that came over told my son he would take him fishing. It never happened, and my son never forgot” (p. 18-19). If you say you are going to do such and such, then do it—otherwise do not say it. Be patient. Kelly remarked, “Expect your friend to heal, but not to get over it. There is no timetable on grief. We just learn to live with it” (Kelly, 2000, p. 70). Remember that simple things make a difference. According to Kelly, “Caring doesn’t have to be a big production. It’s the little things friends do that you keep close to your heart” (p. 90). And do not lose your compassion for others. Kelly stated, “Don’t preach and don’t imply that the person who died deserved to die” (p. 108-109). Additional insights include: it is ok if you do not have all the answers; it is ok to express that you do not know what to say; your presence is more meaningful than your words. If you know of a good book dealing with loss, recommend it. Studies show that 88 percent of psychologists, 59 percent of psychiatrists, and 86 percent of internists use self-help books in treatment (Briggs & Pehrsson, 2008). In addition, it is ok to laugh; laughter is good medicine for the soul. And finally, listen.    

12  

“Active listening, normalized feelings, expressing empathy, educating people in the process of mourning, and providing a safe environment where thoughts, emotions, feelings, and personal stories can be shared is a crucial step toward healing one’s grief” (Houck , 2007, p. 107). You are not listening when you tell someone you understand when you have not had the same experience; if you have an answer for a problem before the person finishes telling you what the problem is; when you cut someone off before he finishes speaking; when you are dying to speak; and when you tell someone about your experience, making theirs seem unimportant (Hall, 2004).

Conclusion In conclusion, this paper has pointed out that grief is not something that is to be dismissed or denied. It is impossible to avoid it; it is the inevitable journey. Sorrow is real and God understands. In fact, approximately one third to one half of the psalms are laments (Jones, 2007). To deny sorrow is to deny the humanity of Christ. Christ suffered loss; likewise, we suffer loss. In addition, I have shown that meaning making and acceptance are closely related. Both play important roles in how people deal with grief. Furthermore, the core values and beliefs of a person impact the processes of meaning making and acceptance. The Christian counselor is most concerned with an individual’s spiritual growth. The Christian counselor assists the counselee in identifying, and correcting, faulty assumptions and inaccurate concepts concerning biblical truths. In essence, grief creates opportunities for spiritual growth; good can come out of loss. Lastly, the Christian counselor must be given to pursuing personal spiritual maturity. It is important that one remembers that “the hope for transformation is grounded in the covenantal

   

13  

relationship with the God who is both steadfast and abounds in mercy; God always has the last word; death is overcome” (Jones, 2007, p. 53).

   

14  

References: Adams, J. E. (1986). How to help people change: the four-step biblical process. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan. Antczak, M. (1999). Attending to the grief associated with involuntary job loss. The Journal of Pastoral Care 53(4), 447-460. Briggs, C. A., & Phrsson, D. E. (2008). Use of bibliotherapy in the treatment of grief and loss: a guide to current counseling practices. Adultspan Journal 7(1), 32-42. Hall, O. (2004). Assisting the grieving client. ADHA Intouch, 4-8. Hawkins, R., Hinson, E., & Clinton, T. (2006). Pastoral care and counseling. In T. Clinton & G. Ohlschager, Competent Christian Counseling: Foundations and Practice of Compassionate Soul Care (401-423). Colorado Springs, CO: Waterbrook Press. Horsley, H., & Patterson, T. (2006). The effects of a parent guidance intervention on communication among adolescents who have experienced the sudden death of a sibling. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 34, 119-137. Houck, J. A. (2007). A comparison of grief reactions in cancer, HIV/AIDS, and suicide bereavement. Journal of HIV/AIDS & Social Services, 6(3), 97-112. Jones, L. C. (2007). The Psalms of lament and the transformation of sorrow. The Journal of Pastoral Care & Counseling, 61(1-2), 47-58. Kaufman, K. R., & Kaufman, N. D. (2006). And then the dog died. Death Studies, 30, 61-76. Kelly, L. (2000). Don’t ask for the dead man’s golf clubs: what to do and say (and what not to) when a friend loses a loved one. New York, NY: Workman Publishing. Maciejewski, P. K., Zang, B., Block, S. D., & Prigerson, H. G. (2007). An empirical examination of the stage theory of grief. Journal of American Medical Association, 297(7), 716-723.    

15  

Marcu, O. (2007). Meaning making and coping: making sense of death. Cognitive, Brain, Behavior, 11, 397-416. Nouwen, H. J. M. (1975). Reaching out: the three movements of the spiritual life. New York, NY: Doubleday Riley, L. P., LaMontagne, L. L., Hepworth, J. T., & Murphy B. A. (2007). Parental grief responses and personal growth following the death of a child. Death Studies, 31, 277299. Strong's Numbers and Concordance (1994). New exhaustive Strong's numbers and concordance with expanded Greek-Hebrew dictionary. PC Study Bible (Version 3.1) [Computer software]. Biblesoft: International Bible Translators, Inc. Wheeler, I. (2001). Parental bereavement: the crisis of meaning. Death Studies, 25, 51-66.