Handout

GRIEF: A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY Chaplain Rodney Bolejack, D.Min.

© 2012

Grief is a journey … … but which pathway should I take?

GRIEF PATHWAYS 

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Often confusing Seem never-ending Not a trip you want to take, yet, you must. Seem impossible Sometimes unnerving Unknowns & uncertainty Strange, beautiful, amazing, frightening, and inviting …all at the same time!

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The first steps aren’t always the hardest steps. But it helps knowing someone has gone before you. Even when you know the steps to take … grief can still be a scary pathway.

GRIEF

GRIEF IS 

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The elephant in the room Unique Ebb & flow Lonely Unpredictable Confusion, disorientation, unstable, & crazy

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Makes you feel lost, and you may want it that way. Messy & disorganized Not always what it appears to be Can stop you in your tracks and leave you hanging in mid-air.

GRIEF 

Grief is: Our total response to any loss  Perceived

or Real

 Deaths  Life



losses

Grief impacts the total person  Physical,

Emotional, Social, Spiritual  “Top to bottom…Inside and out”

GRIEF IS CONTEXTUAL Elderly  Child  Stray bullet  Drunk driver  Disease  Stillborn  Divorce  Downsizing 

GRIEF 

Grief beckons us to re-examine & re-define  Uncertain

future  Confusing present  Vivid yet fading past 

Self  Who



am I?

Faith  What

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is true?

Others???

SPIRITUALITY

SPIRITUALITY 

Existential and Transcendental Meaning  Who

am I?  What is true?  What is beyond?  How do I connect?  What gives me Peace? Joy? Strength? 

“Grief is a profoundly spiritual experience.” 

--Gilbert

SPIRITUALITY & GRIEF A challenge to spiritual leaders and friends of the bereaved  Not magic or rationalized avoidance  Includes that which is beyond words 

 Symbols  Discoveries

 Companions  Experiences

and meanings

∂ His head fell like Jesus

SPIRITUAL THEMES AND GRIEF

WILDERNESS Uncertain  Frightening  Survival is questioned 

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Where will I find an oasis?  How will I find my way?  Where am I going?

ALONENESS Suffer in silence  Shut out others 

 “No

one understands.”  “They are tired of my grief.”  “They keep trying to fix me.”  “Everyone has their own grief.”

Disenfranchised grief -- Doka  How do I connect/re-connect? 

IDENTITY Widow/ widower  Black arm band  Wedding bands 

Who am I?  Who will I become?  Who loves me?  Can I love again? 

PROVIDENCE Forsaken  Prayers unanswered  Life seems frightening 

Where is God?  Does God know?  Does God care?  Can God help?  Will God help? 

DAILY LIVING Pointless  Guilt for enjoyment  Nothing is normal  New responsibilities 

Many insecurities  Many uncertainties 

“How do I do this?”  “What is my new normal?”  “Can life be good again?” 

EMOTION & EXPRESSION “Am I crazy?”  Mixed emotions 

∂ Collage

Happy and sad  Relief and guilt 

“Tears are a gift from God. They say things too deep for words.”  Unexpected upsurges – T. Rando 

Can I be honest?  Will I be judged?  Will I survive?

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HOPE Locating the deceased  Beliefs  Mixed emotions 

Happy and sad  Relief and guilt 

What is heaven?  What are they doing right now?  Reunion? 

DARKNESS ∂

Spelunking

The path is not visible!  What dangers await me?  Nothing seems real! 

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Is there any certainty to my faith?  Where is my light?  Am I safe?  Is my journey over?

MEANING Meaningless?  Pointless death  Untimely death  Clichés 

Why?  Why him/her?  Why now? 

∂The Stewardship of meaning-making

TRANSFORMATION A seed, buried in the darkness, watered with tears, warmed by the light … becomes.

TRANSFORMATION: “SHOULD YOU SHIELD THE CANYON FROM THE WINDSTORMS … YOU WOULD NEVER SEE THE BEAUTY OF THEIR CARVINGS.” E. KUBLER-ROSS

TRANSFORMATION “Death gave an earthquake to my faith and left me to sift through the rubble to find a remnant of faith for the future.” Beverly Ross, MA,LPC

“When someone in our world dies, we remain postured in that world as we were before the death, but we can no longer sustain that posture. We are challenged to learn new ways of feeling, behaving, thinking, expecting, and hoping in the aftermath of loss. As we learn these things we cope.” –Thomas Attig

TRANSFORMATION Chaos and creation  Reinvestment 

 Steps

of courage and challenge  Requires renewable hope 

Is my life yet worth living?  How/why will I live on?  What is valuable?  What have I learned?  How must I adjust?

SPIRITUAL RESOURCES FOR THE GRIEF JOURNEY

SPIRITUAL RESOURCES

Grief can challenge a faith of certainty. Grief can crack the foundations of faith. If one’s spiritual resources are neglected or fragile or undeveloped, grief can increase turmoil and confusion and dysfunction.

LITERATURE 

Holy text  Selected

passages  Discuss interpretation and application 

Books on grief  The

shorter the better!

FUNERALS AND MEMORIAL SERVICES 

With Purpose  Religious

and spiritual teachings  Acknowledge and validate grief  Honor and gratitude  Tribute  Facilitate the grieving process for all  A moment of order in the chaos of grief

COMMUNITY 

Presence  Show

up (and don’t forget to keep showing up.)  A presence without words is better than words without presence. 

Acceptance  Permission

to not be okay  Permission to ask questions that have no answers

SYMBOLS AND RITUALS Images  Pictures  Music and art  Story-telling  Journaling  New Traditions  Gifts 

∂ Fishing lures ∂ A candle ∂ Chair at table

GRIEF WEBSITES Allow personal and private reflection  Follow-up 

Grief.com  GriefNet.org (24hr. on-line grief groups) 

INTERNET IMAGES Funeral home websites  Social networks  Internet images: 

9-11 Challenger Va. Tech Trayvon Martin

Connection  Expression  Commentary 

REFERENCES 

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Attig, Thomas. How We Grieve: Relearning the World. NY:Oxford University Press. 1996. p.iii. Doka, Kenneth J., ed. Disenfranchised Grief. Research Press. 2002. Gilbert, Richard B., D.Min, BCC. “Spiritual Dilemmas for the Bereaved.”Oates Journal, vol.5,2002, p.3. Rando, Therese. How to Go On Living After Someone You Love Dies. Bantam Books. 1991.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Rodney Bolejack, D.Min. 940-391-7998 [email protected]