Grief and the Holidays -Survival Resource Packet-

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Introduction The Holidays can be an especially difficult time for those who have lost a loved one. How we handle our grieving is unique to us because everyone is different. Holidays following the loss of a loved one can be one of the hardest terrains we travel through in our journey of life. As a student, getting my MSW with a certificate in end of life care it was important to me to develop this resource tool so that each of you can utilize it through the holidays.

What is Grief? Grief is often defined as an emotional reaction to a significant loss. Grief is also commonly referred to as having 5 stages including: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance

Grieving is a process that takes time as one adjusts to their “new normal”. The grieving process is often referred to as bereavement. If an individual does not grieve properly, then it can create obstacles for the future. Grieving is a personal experience. No one can grieve for you. It is extremely important to find what works for you during this delicate time in your life. There is no timeframe of when one is expected to be over grieving. Everyone is different. Holidays can create an especially difficult time for individuals who have recently experienced a loss in their life. This resource packet will provide tips on coping with grief during the Holidays

Let’s Talk Traditions Traditions are typically born within the family. Traditionally, holidays are a time for family and friends to gather to celebrate. Often, we go about our holidays in such a routine that when we experience a loss it’s hard to continue in that routine without the ones we love. For families or individuals experiencing that loss, the holidays often represent the most difficult time of the year. Deciding where to spend the holidays or if your even going to celebrate the holidays this year can be extremely challenging and emotional during this time. Inevitably, we cannot avoid the holidays all together as we are reminded wherever we go in public (i.e. grocery stores, restaurants, etc). This resource packet will hopefully provide you with some insightful ideas on how to manage the holidays. “Grief never ends…but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is neither a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith…It is the price of love.” ~Author Unknown~

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Are you Grief Healthy for the Holidays? The holidays can be a very difficult time for people who have lost a loved one. Our hope is to provide healthy grieving tips for you through this holiday season. The following quiz is intended to see if you are grief healthy for this holiday season. But remember, everyone grieves in different ways; therefore the answers provided at the end of the quiz may not be the right way to grieve for you. Take the quiz to find out. 1. Friends and relatives are asking you to holiday parties and get-togethers. If you are tired and don’t feel up to the social scene what do you tell them? A. B. C. D.

You lie, put a smile on your face and say “sure”? You say yes but then cancel at the last minute. You say, “No thank you, I appreciate the offer but I will pass this year” You avoid friends so they don’t ask

2. Old traditions can bring comfort but they can also bring pain. What should you do with the traditions? A. B. C. D.

Keep all of them because they are traditions. Decide which ones to keep and which ones to let go of this year. Get rid of them because they are now about your past. Avoid making any decisions about it whatsoever.

3. If you have a Christmas tree or other holiday symbols should you put it up? What about the tree decorations? A. B. C. D.

It is a holiday. Of course you put it up. Take a family vote and put it up or down depending on the family’s wishes. Why put it up? It means nothing to me. Only put them up if the specified mourning period is past.

4. Which of the following are healthy activities to do while grieving during the holidays? A. Drinking alcoholic beverages to excess, because who cares? B. Overloading on holiday sweets, it will help you feel better. C. Eating food that isn’t high in sugar, sleeping normally, and drinking plenty of water.

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5. What do you do when you start crying at a holiday function? A. Find a quiet place and let yourself cry. There is nothing to apologize for and it actually can make you feel better. B. Duck your head in shame and shy away from people. C. Wish the group would open up and swallow you whole. D. Don’t go to holiday functions, you will only depress people. 6. Family and friends do not always know how to tell each other what they are feeling or need while grieving. You should… A. Ask for help when you need it and try to be as specific as possible. B. Have a family meeting and talk about what each person needs and the family as a whole. C. Try to be gentle with yourself and family members during this time. D. All of the above 7. True or false? Often at the holidays, old losses resurface, and the grief feels fresh again. A. True B. False 8. How do you help friends in grieving? A. Wait for them to call so as you don’t want to intrude. B. Call them and hint about helping them, hoping they respond. C. Call your friends and give them a specific list of how you can help them this holiday season. D. Avoid your friends. Anything you say will only make it worse. 9. You are tired, hurting, yet you feel like you owe it to the kids to have a good holiday. What do you do? A. B. C. D. E.

Tell them that there will be no celebration this year, and try to ignore the holidays. Choose some holiday traditions to do like baking cookies and setting up the tree. Start some new holiday traditions that aren’t so painful. Ignore your feelings after all holidays are for the children. B and C

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10. Holidays should get better as time goes on. True or False? A. True B. False Source: Beyond Indigo: Death and Dying Grief Support Http://beyoondindigo.com/quizzes/holidayquiz.php

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Grief Healthy Quiz-ANSWERS 1. Friends and relatives are asking you to holiday parties and get-togethers. If you are tired and don’t feel up to the social scene what do you tell them? Answer: C- You say, “No thank you, I appreciate the offer but I will pass this year” It is important to know your limits and try to stick to them. Sometimes you may need to attend a function even though you aren’t feeling up to it, but try to keep these situations to an absolute minimum. 2. Old traditions can bring comfort but they can also bring pain. What should you do with the traditions? Answer: B- Decide which ones to keep and which ones to let go of this year. Holiday traditions are supposed to bring you comfort, so if some of them are too painful, skip them this year. You can always return to them at a later time. You can also develop a new tradition that encompasses your loss—going as a family to put a special floral arrangement on the grave site, for example. 3. If you have a Christmas tree or other holiday symbols should you put it up? What about the tree decorations? Answer: B- Take a family vote and put it up or down depending on the family’s wishes. Involving everyone in the decision-making can be a good way to work through your grief together, even if it is hard to talk about. It also helps everyone avoid hurt feelings. 4. Which of the following are healthy activities to do while grieving during the holidays? Answer: C- Eating food that isn’t high in sugar, sleeping normally, and drinking plenty of water. It’s easy to overdo everything during the holidays, but eating well, sleeping enough and drinking in moderation will help you stay in balance through this very stressful time. If you do overdo it, don’t worry about it too much, just go back to moderation the next day. 5. What do you do when you start crying at a holiday function? Answer: A- Find a quiet place and let yourself cry. There is nothing to apologize for and it actually can make you feel better.

Crying is normal and natural, so let yourself have that relief. You can remove yourself from the bustle, take care of your inner grief and rejoin the party when you feel better. People will usually understand.

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6. Family and friends do not always know how to tell each other what they are feeling or need while grieving. You should… Answer: D- All (refer back to page 4) During this difficult time, talking together about how you will get through this can bring you closer together. Try to be gentle with yourself and others and know that everyone is doing the best that he or she can. It may be hard to talk together—short term counseling with a professional trained in handling grief could help. 7. True or false? Often at the holidays, old losses resurface, and the grief feels fresh again. Answer: True Grief can resurface at stressful times, at anniversaries, and at times we feel like we are supposed to be happy. This is natural and normal, and is part of the way we deal with loss. Recognizing this process can help make it easier to deal with. 8. How do you help friends in grieving? Answer: C- Call your friends and give them a specific list of how you can help them this holiday season. When people are grieving they have a hard time focusing on what they need. People want help but often need specific things to choose from. Don’t be afraid to offer to help, avoiding them or not calling can make them feel even more alone. 9. You are tired, hurting, yet you feel like you owe it to the kids to have a good holiday. What do you do? Answer: E- B and C (refer back to page 4) It’s hard when you are a parent to carry on with holiday celebrations when you are hurting yourself, but try to talk to your children about how you can all best get through this together. Find out what parts of the holiday are really important to them, and what parts you can leave for another year. And making a new tradition—starting a holiday memory book, or helping others in need, can also help all of you feel closer. 10. Holidays should get better as time goes on. True or False? Answer: True Even though it doesn’t seem like it now, each year your grief will change. The first year your grief can be intense and crippling around the holidays. The next few years you can feel the loss but it won’t bring you to your knees.

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Tips for Coping with Grief during the Holidays ACKNOWLEDGE that the holidays will be different and they will be tough. DECIDE what traditions you want to keep or what traditions you want to change. CREATE a new tradition in memory of your loved one. LOCATIONS may provide comfort to keep them the same or you may need to change it up. PLAN AHEAD and communicate with all involved where you will spend the holidays with in advance to provide any further stress. BE HONEST and tell people what you do want to do for the holidays and what you don’t want to do. JOURNAL when you are experiencing a bad day or you just need to vent your emotions. REMEMBER that crying is okay. The holidays are everywhere and who knows what may trigger a cry-fest. We’ve all been there and it is okay to cry! SHOP online if going to mall is too stressful. SAY YES to help. There will be people who want to help and may offer their support. Take them up on their offers. PRACTICE self-care! I know, how cliché. But it is true—whatever it is that helps you recharge, do it. PRIORTIZE and don’t over commit. When the holidays are filled with so many parties, dinners, and events, save your energy for those that are most important. Look at everything you have to do and rank them in order of importance. Plan for the most important and skip the rest. SKIP IT. Really. If you just can’t face the holiday it is okay to take a break this year. Before you get to this extreme, consider if you could simplify your holiday. If you do skip, still make a plan. Decide if you will see friends or family, go see a new movie, or make another plan. ENJOY yourself! The holidays will be tough, but there will also be love and joy. HAPPINESS, remember its okay to be happy. This does not diminish how much you love and miss the person who isn’t there this holiday. Don’t feel guilty for the joy you do find this holiday season. Source: 4 Tips for Coping with Grief at the Holidays http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/64-tips-grief-at-the-holidays/

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Tips for Children Conversations and connections … Talk with them about their loved one. Be specific with good memories. Let children share their feelings and stories. Children may not always have the correct details. Talk about anything and everything. Keep the communication lines open by spending one-on-one time with a child who is grieving. This is especially important as you and the child remember your loved one’s favorite holiday activities. Communicate … When discussing the death; explain to the children in simple terms that the person’s body has quit working. Use the words “death” and “died” with the children. Steer clear of phrases such as “went to sleep.” Since children are literal thinkers, they may be afraid to go to sleep. Contact … Appropriate hugs and kisses are a great way to stay in contact. Ask them how they would like to be greeted (e.g., by touching elbows, shoulders, the head or giving a high five). Respect their rights not to be touched also. Clown around … Children need to take breaks in their grieving. In other words they will not grieve continuously, every day, all day long. Let them laugh and kid around. It’s okay to laugh. Laughter releases good endorphins in the brain. Create … Let them draw, color, paint or construct their world through blocks and other manipulative items. Make an ornament or a collage. What does my life look like? Who is in it? Who is not? Carry … Let them have a photo or small memento to carry with them. It helps them feel close. During the holidays, allow the children to keep pictures of their loved one from past holidays. Visit about how the holidays will be different but also how some traditions will be the same. Allow the children to have a loved one’s shirt or other article of clothing to sleep in. You can even spray the item with perfume or aftershave that smells like their loved one. Cope … Let them journal. It could be in the form of a letter, a daily meditation with God or in a book form. (It’s like peeling an onion and getting to the core, their heart.) Change … Allow the children to help make decisions about day-to-day living and holiday plans. The children may feel they have more control of the situation when they can help make decisions. Change is okay. Center … Remember the family is the center of your children’s world. They need stability. You are it. However, if this is too much for you, then allow other adults pg. 9

to minister to your child. Always be close by so your children do not feel abandoned. Compose … Remember your children’s world may be in chaos; they need structure (e.g., wake-up times, bed, meal, school, homework and television times). Christmas can be especially hard as they watch other families celebrate and as everyone’s schedules tend to be interrupted over the holidays. Composure … Don’t feel like you always have to be composed. It is okay for the children to see your tears and to feel your pain. Ask your children for a hug on your down days. Closeness … Stay close to your children through daily talks or activities. One of the best places to get a child to talk is in the car. During the holidays play your loved one’s favorite Christmas music when in the car. Encourage the children to sing along. This might lead to a healthy discussion about the things their loved one liked about the holidays. Cook … Let them bake a special holiday meal or dessert in memory of their loved one. Invite family and friends to join in. If their loved one had a favorite Christmas candy or a favorite Thanksgiving dessert, encourage the child to make those items and talk about how much the loved one enjoyed these favorite items. Celebrate … Let them go to holiday parties and family get-togethers. Make new memories and new traditions. Candlelight memorial service … Let them honor the memory of their loved one. Compassion … Let them help those who are less fortunate than themselves. (Get a gift for another child, deliver meals to a less fortunate family or assist at a shelter feeding the homeless.) Comfort … Remember to pray for your children to be comforted. Pray in front of the children and with the children. Closure … There really is no such thing as “closure.” For the rest of the children’s lives, the loved one will be remembered. Children do eventually process and learn to cope and are able to move on with their lives. Encourage them to find ways to honor and remember their loved one and let them know this is okay to do. GriefShare: http://www.griefshare.org/holidays/helpcenter/helpinggrievingchildren

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Bereavement Courage I will Light Candles this Christmas by Howard Thurman

I will light Candles this Christmas; Candles of joy despite all sadness, Candles of hope where despair keeps watch, Candles of courage for fears ever present, Candles of peace for tempest-tossed days, Candles of grace to ease heavy burdens, Candles of love to inspire all my living, Candles that will burn all the year long.

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Notes:

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