‘Your Kids’: Creating the picture from the jigsaw Ms Althea Brunskill1 1 Relationships Australia Canberra & Region, WAGGA WAGGA, Australia Family mediation (or Family Dispute Resolution – FDR) can be complex and difficult; the needs of children who are absent from that conversation between parents and the mediator can create “gaps” or missing pieces of a family “jigsaw”. This, along with the history of parental conflict, can mean that parents have great difficulty in seeing their child’s bigger picture, and can detract from the process of the mediation. Often, mediation between parents may create a rare opportunity for parents to discuss their children after a period of difficult or no communication. The challenge for the mediator is to create a forum for parents to discuss their children and in doing so, begin the completion of the jigsaw. This requires the piecing together of the many small parts, including the nuances and intricacies that make up a picture of their child’s story. Each child has encapsulated within them parts of each parent: genetics, abilities, personality or temperament. Mediation may be helpful in helping to piece together the pieces of that family jigsaw, but it can be challenging for parents to create their picture in its entirety without the children’s physical presence in the room. It is the task for the mediator in family mediation to create a child focus. The question, “How can we enhance the child focus in a family mediation session?” created the beginning of a journey for Family Dispute Resolution Practitioners at the Wagga Wagga Family Relationship Centre, and led to developing “Your Kids” as a part of the Family Dispute Resolution process. History The Wagga Wagga Family Relationship Centre opened in 2007, as a program run by Relationships Australia Canberra & Region. The staffing structure then was limited to three Family Dispute Resolution Practitioners (FDRP’s, of which the author was one. The ‘learning curve’ at the time of opening required that each of us become immersed in all aspects of Family Dispute Resolution (FDR). Our scope of practise included the following: shuttle FDR; lawyer assisted FDR; centre to centre FDR, FDR on outreach, and telephone FDR where one party was geographically remote. As we shaped our practise as FDRP’s, we also attended numerous training opportunities. We became immersed in various models of mediation, underlying philosophies, research, and literature that encompassed family law. We learnt, and continue to learn more about the complexities of parental conflict and the needs of children. To this end, the author wishes to acknowledge the invaluable research, and work of the researchers who have guided us in our journey as FDRP’s within this context. Children were the missing piece of the mediation jigsaw. At that time, Child Informed Practise (CIP) was available to us, but logistics made it difficult for there to be a timely response to the CIP process. We experienced a gap in the process of FDR: parents were present, a mediator was present, but the children were essentially “missing”.

Methodology Action Researchi was the research method used to develop professional practise at this time. While many evaluative methods of research have given way to more quantitative methods, Action Research is the tool practitioners continue to use, often unconsciously, as we observe, act and reflect in a way that is continuous and ongoing. The national question as part of Action Research was posed in 2007 by the Attorney General’s Department. This was “What would it take to help parents focus on the best interests of their children?” This, in turn, gave way at a local level to the question “What would it take to enhance the child focus of the Wagga Wagga FRC?” This led to conversations, where we posed the “wh” questions; who, what, why, when...and how could we raise better awareness of the child or children who was not in the room? The richness of those discussions created the space for us to think about the many possibilities. We considered practical ways that would support parents in Family Dispute Resolution to shift their thinking, to focusing on the needs of their children. Development process Our initial step in that process was to educate ourselves and in turn, our clients, the parents, about developmental milestones for children. This was with a focus on the needs of children in the context of family separation. We developed ages and stages brochures, which we provide to our clients at the needs assessments as part of their information pack, placing particular emphasis on the responses for children; from 0-3 years, explaining the child’s need to attach to a primary caregiver, 3-5, early childhood years, where children may be particularly vulnerable to separation anxiety; 69, middle childhood years, 10-12 years, later childhood, and 13 to 17, the adolescent years. Our team of mediators collected as much information we could find on developmental milestones for children in the context of parental separation. We created resources for ourselves in the form of large folders of information for each practitioner. We prioritised and attended training activities that would inform us about children in this context. The aim of collating the information at this stage was to assist us to utilise this information in the FDR session, and to refer parents to appropriate literature which outlined suggested care plan arrangements for each age group. We found that this effort to be a valuable investment for us as practising FDRP’s. We were able to refer parents to appropriate information that offered helpful information about their children. This in turn ‘normalised’ their experience of their children, and they were supported in responding to their children more effectively. The “Your Kids” Session Once we had immersed ourselves in literature and information, we considered the next step of our Action Research question. This was to plan the “Your Kids” session. We wanted to create a “profile” for the children in the room. This involved putting as much information as possible about the child up on the white board.

We considered “Your Kids” to be a preliminary session, which served to preface, or set the tone of the FDR session, rather than to be a part of it. The session would also link us to the valuable information in our “Ages and Stages” brochures, which informed us about ages and stages of development in the context of family separation. As mediators, we were aware of the difficulties posed in conducting a profile of the children with parents in the room. There were risks involved; one being for the mediator to appear to support one parent over the other, creating the perception of alignment. Another risk was to potentially alienate the parent who had been absent from the child’s life; serving to “shame” that parent in the room. These risks present a predicament for both the mediator and the parents, creating, in the eyes of one parent, the worst possible offense for a mediator, in not appearing impartial to both. Profiling the children on the whiteboard is often helpful, but can create some risk to the mediation process. What we needed, was someone who was not the mediator to conduct this process, and to have the mediator present, sitting quietly and observing. The person conducting “Your Kids” was to take on a parent education role. Profiling the children is a process familiar to most FDRP’s. We designed a specific process of enquiry about the child which was to be written with the responses from each parent on the white board, with a copy given to each parent on completion. The intention was for that process to be carried out respectfully, by someone who was not the mediator, who behaved as one might when invited as a special guest to a process. That person has a separate role from the mediator, exercising curiosity and interest about each child. The “Your Kids” practitioner was present at the commencement of the session and introduced by the FDRP as “This is (name) who is going to spend the next twenty minutes or so talking with you about (child’s name). He/she will leave us then, so that we may continue to have our discussion about your parenting arrangements.” An opening script for the Your Kids practitioner might read “Thanks to you both for having me come into your session... we’ll talk about “Alice” for a short time. You will soon commence your discussion with (FDRP). However, I am very aware that Alice is important to both of you, and for that reason, we’ll have a short discussion. I will ask that both of you participate. Perhaps you’ll take turns at offering information about Alice, which I’ll be writing up on the white board as we go. I’ll ask the questions, so that we can get a sense of Alice being in the room. Is that OK?” It is really important to have both parents are in agreement at this stage. We have experienced questions, such as “Why are my children your business?” or “I’m not sure what this has to do with why we are here!” However, these questions may be skilfully managed, and used as further reason to create the child focus in the room! The Your Kids practitioner will conclude the introduction with “This will help you in your conversation afterwards with (FDRP) and we might be able to highlight some points for discussion as we talk about what Alice needs from both of you.” The process of enquiry allows for several issues to unfold, for example: • the points of difference between each parent;

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points of agreement between parents; the needs of each parent; parents experiences of their child/ children; information which one parent doesn’t know about which may emerge; The level of conflict that exists.

It is reasonable to say that the session will often create an “ice breaker”....with parents smiling and nodding at how “naughty” Alice can be, and the things she does that make them laugh....how “full on” she is, or how clever. There are many “triggers” for positive responses from parents which serve to unify them in the room. The “Your kids” question format Physical description The questions follow a format which may build the picture of each child. We begin with a physical description. ”Tell us about what Alice looks like...what colour hair does she have? Colour of her eyes? Is she tall, short, about average for her age?” Early on, these facts may identify issues... - Father may say “She’s tubby”; Mother may say “She’s not tubby...and anyway you feed her junk food”; - “She’s small for her age, and people treat her like a baby” - ”She’s got her father’s eyes and my nose” - “She has an overbite that needs to be corrected...she gets teased about that.” Physical attributes or concerns may tease out any number of issues for the child that may not have been discussed during the intake, or needs assessment. Child’s personality. “Tell me about Alice’s personality...what are the words that come to mind when you describe her” Very often those responses might be “full on” or “shy” which allows us to be curious... “Tell me more about her being shy” Having explored that, noting all these responses on the board, “How else would you describe Alice?” Social development Social aspects of a child’s development is important...and we take the lead from their age, and attendance at school, preschool, or day care; “How does Alice do at school? Does she have friends? What has the teacher said about Alice?” Hobbies and interests are important...often this may raise the discussion about the following: It builds the picture of the child’s passions: “She loves dancing, music and drawing...not very sporty” “She’s being bullied” Points of conflict might be: “She loves netball, and I take her...her mother doesn’t.” “I don’t see why she has to go to every single child’s party she’s invited to. She’s six!” “Too much technology/x-box/computer”

Parental separation The effect of the separation is discussed, which lead to questions that might prompt reflection, such as “How did Alice respond to your separation?” Once again, this may create opportunity for discussion which refers back to literature and research, about how a child may respond by trying to please both parents. This question also serves as an opportunity to highlight each parent’s experience of the child, for example: “She’s been absolutely fine” from one parent, and “She cries every night and has tantrums” from the other. This can be used to highlight for discussion with the FDRP, as Alice is clearly behaving quite differently with each parent. Points of difference Issues that may come up as points for discussion may be: schooling, religion, attendance at a particular club or activity that the other parent doesn’t support (pony club is one example); make-up or no make-up; attendance at sporting events or parties; issues for children regarding gender or sexuality. One such conversation highlighted a twelve year-old boy as “soft” and “behaves like a girl” (this from the father) countered by “He’s sensitive...and he’s artistic” from the mother. Where there are clearly points of difference, these may be acknowledged as such by the practitioner. To clarify this, the initial of each parent’s first name is jotted next to each statement, with the understanding that this may be something they may wish to raise during their session with the FDRP. This process is one of identifying, enquiring, and clarifying the issues that parents agree and disagree on. It is emphasised that parents often disagree when they are still together; but issues can become magnified and inflamed after parents separate. A response to “sticking points” might be “what Alice needs is for you both to reach a level of agreement about this...right now, this would be really confusing for her.” Hopes Lastly, the question “What do both of you hope for Alice in her life?” While this may prompt the more vexatious response such as “To see her father more often” the prompt will be one of encouragement; to think broadly, and beyond this time, to what they want for Alice, through her formative years, 18, 21, 30, 40 and beyond. Educative There is an opportunity at the conclusion of the session to highlight effects of conflict on children at a particular age or stage of their development through referencing research that is helpful. This is an opportunity to allow the “Your Kids” practitioner to provide information regarding developmental milestones, and to reference the information in the ages and stages brochures. Issues between the parents may also allow for reference to post separation literature, or to the content of any post separation parent education sessions that parents are asked to attend pre-mediation. Conclusion and exit The practitioner thanks the parents, makes broad reference to once again normalise the situation Alice is in, and to emphasise the importance of her parents cooperating. It is validating for parents to describe Alice in terms of her strengths; “that she sounds like a beautiful and spirited little girl”....before handing the session back to the FDRP, and leaving the room.

Resourcing and time allocation At the commencement of the “Your Kids” trial, one practitioner facilitated the process. We have since involved every one of the team of FDRP’s, and run “Your Kids” as a rule prior to every FDR session, unless there are reasons not to. It is not suitable when one parent is not physically present, as is the case with shuttle mediation. In terms of structuring the session, there needs to be an allowance for twenty minutes prior to the mediation session. It is also separate from the current fee structure for three hours of mediation that are currently subsidised for Family Dispute Resolution programs. The logistics for this time needs to be factored in to planning the session. Managing difficult scenarios A parent may have had very little contact with the child for a period of time. If there has been a history of a relationship with the absent parent, this may serve as a time that parent may share what they remember. The “Your Kids” practitioner may use that time to acknowledge this as an opportunity for parents to re-acquaint with the growth, development and changes their child/children have undergone. There may be potential difficulties with parents who have different cultures, or who identify as members of the LGBTIQ communities, where one of the two same sex parents is the biological parent. The strength of the process lies with the autonomy of the “Your Kids” practitioner, to enquire with curiosity about the history of the child, and the roles that parents may have assumed. In Summary The Action Research model has continued to support us to shape this model, over the nine years we have been running the Family Dispute Resolution program. The continual process of ‘observe, act and reflect’ facilitates the continuing development of “Your Kids”, for it to be included in our model of service delivery. As mediators, we see great benefit in having run this session immediately prior to the FDR joint session. It allows for mediators to observe the dynamics between parents, their points of conflict, agreements about their children, and very often, raising awareness about the children. Often this can be the first discussion of its kind to have taken place. It is not uncommon to hear laughter emanating from the room, as the “Your Kids” session is conducted, and a funny story is told that relates to the child. Our question at a local level “How can we enhance the child focus in a family mediation session?” is one that we have addressed through the “Your Kids” process, and in doing so, creating those missing jigsaw pieces and improved the completion of the picture. i

Action Research was conceptualized by Kurt Lewin and later elaborated and expanded on by other behavioural scientists. The tool has been widely used in social services and education.