When Crisis Strikes: Help for Young Life Leaders Many times while volunteering to help in Young Life, a leader will face a situation they themselves have never had to navigate: a death at school, a student in depression expressing thoughts of suicide, an abusive relationship. While our role is limited, and primary help should be provided by professionals, a Young Life leader has an important part to play. As one who has built significant relationships with kids and has earned the right to be heard, you may be the individual a young person seeks out when facing a crisis. Contacting authorities in an emergency must be a leader’s number one priority. Second, seeking guidance from the Young Life Service Center and informing your Area Director should be completed before any further action is taken. Young Life has a professional team of counselors, crisis managers, communications professionals, insurance and legal experts, all with the goal of helping Young Life leaders navigate a crisis. The articles that follow were collected by the Heartland Region staff team and are supplemental tools to be used in connection with the guidance provided by the Young Life Service Center and your Area Director. ACTION STEPS: • • •

If Emergency, Call: 911 Call Service Center: 800-999-8661 Call Area Director

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Contents When a teen or their family may turn to you for help .................................................... 4 What kind of person is able to help? ................................................................................ 5 A Young Life leader’s role in the grief process ................................................................. 6 Helping kids through a crisis ............................................................................................. 7 A deeper look at the environment of abuse ................................................................... 10 Family loss and the resulting impact on a teenager ...................................................... 17 What to do when someone mentions suicide ................................................................ 19

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When a teen or their family may turn to you for help What kind of loss brings grief to teenagers? • Death – family, relative, friend, classmate, celebrity idol, pet. • Divorce – often feels like a death, but one threat lingers on. • Loss of a friendship or romantic relationship. • Failure in school or sport, suspension, expulsion. • Criminal incident, incarceration. • A damaging fight with parents. • Serious illness in the family. • Moving to another school/town/state. • Change in home stability – parent loss of employment, drug use, feuding, and violence. Why you might be asked to counsel: • You are less threatening – not a “counselor” or “therapist.” • You have built trust with the teenager. • You are easily accessible. • You have a “God” perspective. • You are cheap. Some consequences to you counseling kids instead of a professional: • You probably don’t have much time for it. • It’s harder to say no because you are a friend and may see them often. • You are less free to terminate the relationship when it’s all over. • You face post-counseling avoidance – they may feel ashamed and avoid you. • You are a generalist – not a specialist. Your perspective is broad and largely not “expert.” • You may have greater access to families. • You can talk to people about more than serious issues. • You can see care-giving as a process. • You represent more than yourself – God, faith, the church.

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What kind of person is able to help? Before you start, know your… • Personal stability – know your own issues or you are dangerous! • Spiritual depth – how well are you rooted spiritually? How strong is your own faith? • Safety level – how can you protect yourself and remain safe emotionally? • Pain tolerance – how well can you tolerate other’s pain and remain effective? • Know your limits! As you help… • Be graceful – model the love of God. • Use accurate empathy – see their perspective. • Be genuine – don’t try to know everything – you don’t. • Be humble – come just to walk alongside. • Be a listener most of all. • Be hopeful and realistic. Have an attitude of assurance for the future. • Know you limits! What are grief and loss issues? • Actual vs. perceived loss – ask “What was it like for me?” • Get their perception – what got them where they are now? • Find out what they want from you. Ask. Help people through the four tasks in grief: • Accept the reality of the loss. Don’t minimize the loss – it’s real to them. • Experience the pain of grief – it is never your job to make them feel better, but to help them grieve. • Adjust to the new environment without (parent, friend, stability, relationship, pet, etc.). • Withdraw the emotional energy in the loss and reinvest it in something else.

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A Young Life leader’s role in the grief process Always ask the five questions: • Why am I here? Am I here to help me or them? Know the answer before you step in. • What do I have to offer? My relationship? Skills? Experience? • What does this person need? • What are my limitations? • How long and how often can I offer my help? Understand the nature of crisis: • It takes us by surprise. • It overwhelms normal coping skills. • It awakens other unresolved issues. • It reduces us to inaction. • It creates negativism within us. The three areas it affects: • Thinking – how we think and conclude – we fixate or become confused. • Feelings – expressed outwardly or are withdrawn. • Behaviors – outward, closed up, paralyzed. Understand the steps in caring for a person in grief or crisis: • Establish a caring – but objective – atmosphere. Be a ministry of presence. Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings. Listen. • Validate the confusion and pain. Don’t try and to fix it – let them talk about it. Acknowledge it. • Explore and define the problem. Ask “What’s it like for you?” “What led up to this?” • Assess their situation – What am I hear for? How severe is the crisis? Do they have coping resources? • Help the person develop goals. What next? How can I help? Know your limits! • Work with them to transition to the future. There is no timetable. Help them withdraw and reinvest energy. • Follow up. Ask how they are doing, how can you help, meet with them for something “normal.”

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Helping kids through a crisis You have three options – do nothing, do a little, do a lot. Expect these questions: • Where’s God in this? • What will God think of me if I . . .? • Why is God doing this to me? (Move from what you don’t know to what you do know.) • Why did/didn’t God . . .? When do I refer them to someone else? • When my competence is limited. Don’t overestimate your own ability! • When my time is limited. Don’t create problems for yourself by helping. • An emotional or danger issue that’s inappropriate for me to handle. A few other things to consider: • Some losses do not provide finality like death, funerals. Some linger on, change, etc. • One can lose something they never had – a miscarriage, a dream (marriage, job, college). • The more severe the crisis and the fewer resources they have, the more direct you need to be. • Don’t expect anyone to grieve in a certain way, intensity, or time table. Every person and situation is different. There are stages of grief that most people work through – healthy grieving will mean that each stage becomes less sever over the course of time. Be prepared to hear: • Denial • Anger • Sadness • Inexpressible feelings of loss The ministry of listening: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak.” James 1:19 • Be sincere. Don’t fake good listening – it won’t work. Take time to listen properly. • Accept the other person’s feelings. • Trust the person’s capacity to handle their feelings, and their ability to work out solutions. Trust God to work with this person. • Active listening does not solve problems – it creates an environment conducive to problem solving. • Identify the content of their words. React to what is being presented rather then how it’s being presented. When Crisis Strikes: Help for Young Life Leaders

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• •

•

•

Look for their feelings in the messages – how do they feel about what they’re saying? See and feel through their eyes. Feedback what you are hearing, without judgment or a message of your own. Share the content and feeling of what they are telling you to be sure you understand them. Listen for themes in their message and try to briefly paraphrase what they say with: “You feel that . . .” “What I’m hearing you say is . . .” “So, it’s kinda like...” Practice! Yes, you can practice the ministry of listening.

What to say or do when someone is Grieving: • Acknowledge the loss with a card, call or letter (letters can be read and reread). • If possible visit the person at a visitation, funeral, hospital, and home. Your presence means you care. • Share simple words such as “I’m sorry”, “I don’t know what to say”, “I’ll be here for you”. • Words aren’t always necessary – a hug, a tear, an arm around the shoulder, a squeeze of the hand, eye contact – often say more than words do. • Allow them to talk about the loss, the person. Show an interest, “What was he like?” “What do you remember most about her?” It helps to understand their grief. • Share a pleasant memory or thought of the lost person if you know him or her. • Offer to pray with and for the person. It’s not the least we can do, it’s the most we can do! • Remember that grief is often long-lasting. • Remember you are important to the person’s support system. • Remember the pain of holidays and anniversaries – especially the “firsts”. • Remember that the most difficult time is often several months later. • Remember forgotten mourners – siblings, relatives, other friends. • Remember that nothing you say or do will skip or shorten the grieving process. Statements that are positive when shared appropriately: • You must feel unbearable pain. • I’m sorry this happened. • Don’t feel you need to be strong. • It’s Okay to cry. • I just don’t know what to say. When Crisis Strikes: Help for Young Life Leaders

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• • •

I wish I could ease your pain. Some things just don’t make sense. I’ll be praying for you.

What not to say or do when someone is grieving: • Don’t avoid the person because you are uncomfortable or don’t know what to say. • Don’t be afraid of tears – theirs or yours. We seldom forget those we shed tears with. • Don’t ask questions or say things that induce guilt or blame. There is often a sense of unfinished business following loss of a person, a job, a marriage, or other relationship. • Don’t try to answer the “Why?” questions. • Don’t change the subject if they want to talk about the loss. • Don’t remind them they can or do have other children or siblings or friends after a death or a miscarriage. Dreams are often lost with such a loss too. • Don’t encourage them to “get over it” or to “move on” because you are uncomfortable or expecting them to move on. Statements to avoid: • Time will heal. • It’s a blessing. • She’s at peace now. • God never gives us more than we can handle. • You’re holding up so well. • This is God’s will. • I know how you feel. • Let me know if I can do anything. • He’s in a better place. • What are you going to do? • Don’t cry. • Be brave. • Be strong.

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A deeper look at the environment of abuse By: Karla Yaconelli The majority of Christians who are not abuse survivors would like to believe that the evil of domestic abuse isn’t in our midst. They’d like to believe that it’s only kids in outreach programs who have abusive homes, not any of the kids in our churches. And for those other kids, if we can just bring them - and possibly their families - to Jesus, redemption and rescue will follow, and the abuse will cease. If Christian parents are periodically abusive, God will solve the problem if they’re coming to church and hearing the Gospel. Who abuses children? Parents, teachers, family, friends, babysitters, Sunday school teachers, police officers, ministers, youth workers - domestic abuse crosses all socioeconomic, ethnic, racial, educational, age, gender, and religious lines. It’s just as likely to occur in wealthy homes as in blue-collar homes; just as likely to occur in Anglo homes as in Asian, Latino, Native American, or African American; just as likely to occur in Christian homes as it is in non-Christian, Jewish, atheist, Muslim, or Mormon homes. 95% of victims are women or children. But by no means are men always the perpetrators, nor are husbands exempt from suffering domestic abuse. It does happen in reverse - usually emotional or verbal abuse (which is the hardest to spot and address) - though sometimes physical abuse as well. And children experience the full spectrum of abuse from mothers as well as from fathers. Some of the doctrines and beliefs we frequently address have actually perpetuated the cycle of domestic abuse among us. While most of the teachings I’m about to mention have validity in proper context, for abuse victims these doctrines and beliefs can be deadly to their safety, deadly to their souls, and deadly to their relationship with God. Furthermore, the ways these tenets of faith are most frequently communicated further alienate abuse victims from God and cause victims to remain victimized. Obedience and Authority In most evangelical churches, there is a strong emphasis on obedience to God. In more fundamentalist churches, obedience, authority, and headship are interconnected: God is the ultimate authority; the husband is the spiritual head of the home; the wife and children are to defer to the authority of the husband/father; and as the spiritual head of the household, the husband/father speaks for God. Implications of hierarchy have kept more women and children in life-threatening situations than almost any other doctrinal teaching. It reinforces the notion that abuse by the husband/father is caused by wrongdoings of the wife and/or children who provoked his anger and discipline. This is precisely how abusers, and many Christians who don’t understand the dynamics of abuse, portray it. Scriptural misrepresentation When Crisis Strikes: Help for Young Life Leaders

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and selective use of Scriptures by abusers further reinforce this scenario. Abusers make the rules and proclaim the rules to be God’s, so questioning the rules or the abuser’s authority equals questioning God. Victims don’t want to be out of God’s will, so they submit ... as they are told the Scriptures require them to. Obedience to - and compliance with - this hierarchy of authority also serve to make victims vulnerable to abuse from authority figures outside the family (teachers, policemen, clergy, etc.). Remember: domestic abuse is never about anger or discipline. It’s always about power and control. Forgiveness Forgiveness is vital in its proper context, but somehow the message of forgiveness has been horribly distorted. We’re overly focused on praying for our enemies and forgiving those who hurt us whether or not there is any change in actions or behavior. This teaching causes abuse victims to believe the apologies of their abusers and their professions that the abuse won’t happen anymore. With abused children, it reinforces that they’re powerless and that God requires them to love and forgive the people who are hurting them, regardless of whether there has been intervention or justice. Christians too frequently want to hurry forgiveness along. For abuse victims, forgiveness may take a lifetime — if it happens at all. Actually, I don’t believe pure evil requires forgiveness in order for a victim of abuse to experience full healing. It’s certainly true that in its proper context, forgiveness is often more powerful and healing for the forgiver than for the one forgiven. Our inability to forgive gets in the way of our relationship with Christ. Unfortunately, when abuse victims search themselves and find they’re unable to forgive, it only heightens their shame and feelings of alienation from and unacceptability to God. When abuse victims are made to feel that the only way they can experience healing is to forgive their abusers, and when well meaning Christians try to usher that process through, the damage to the abuse victim’s relationship with God is devastating. Rather than preaching forgiveness to the abuse victim, we should leave that process up to Jesus. Lust Young women are still taught (at the very least, it’s implied) that men have uncontrollable sexual desires, and that Christian females are not to dress or act in a way that would cause their Christian brothers to stumble - i.e. to inspire lust. This means, of course, that if advances are made, young women have brought it on themselves. The truth is that at some point during or after the abuse, all abuse victims have been made to believe that abuse is their fault. With female sexual abuse victims, this teaching about lust, implied or stated, strongly underscores the belief that they’ve somehow brought about their own abuse. When Crisis Strikes: Help for Young Life Leaders

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Often, overly provocative attire or behavior in females may be an indicator of having been inappropriately sexualized at an early age or at the present time. The opposite is also true: a female going out of her way to be dowdy and unattractive may be trying to desexualize herself because she’s internalized that being sexually attractive is what caused her violation. Sexual Purity Emphasis on sexual purity and abstinence is a huge issue for sexual abuse victims. We tout virginity as a hallmark of young people’s devotion to God. What does that say to abuse victims who may well have been virgins before they were abused? They weren’t devoted enough - if they’d just loved God a little more, this wouldn’t have happened? Victims often internalize that they have ‘fornicated’ and are not longer able to proclaim their devotion to God, and therefore when the abuse continues or another abuser comes along, they think they deserve it. Childhood sexual abuse victims have extreme guilt over their ‘participation’ in the abuse. Often they’re carrying tremendous shame over the fact that there were some aspects of it that they enjoyed. Some of it (especially with young children) felt pleasurable or made them feel loved and special, which only heightens their shame and sense of God’s rejection once they’re old enough to understand what’s been happening and come face to face with their abuse. A young teen who’s beginning to explore his or her sexuality and sexual attractiveness may feel severe guilt when an adult comes along who exploits those feelings, and perhaps the teen enjoys some of his or her own response (i.e., feeling grown up, perhaps experiencing orgasm, perhaps even thinking he or she is “choosing” to have sexual relations with an adult). When abuse gets reframed as something the victims caused, participated in by “choice,” or enjoyed on some level - and then hear that their virginity is synonymous with their devotion to God - the implications to a victim’s current and future faith are staggering. It’s not that we shouldn’t encourage sexual purity and abstinence, but we must be aware that there are kids in our groups who are hearing this with different ears, and the concept of “secondary virginity” doesn’t cut it - especially if they’re in active sexually abusive situations, and often even if the sexual abuse is “in their past.” Forgiveness for choosing to have sexual relations with one of their peers is much easier to comprehend than forgiveness for having unwanted (or “wanted”) sexual relations with an adult who has convinced them they somehow invited it, or that they brought it upon themselves. And make no mistake - there are plenty of teen-aged children who think they are “choosing” to “love” the adult who is abusing them. Those adults are predators. I don’t care how grown up and sexual children appear to be or how vocal

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they are about “choosing” to be sexual with that adult. It is adult-to-child sexual abuse. Period. Suffering Sometimes God requires us to suffer; God is chastising us, teaching us something, or testing our faith; one day, we’ll understand our suffering and all will be turned to good. To abuse victims, this teaching reinforces the notion that their suffering is caused by unconfessed sin in their lives, and as soon as they discover what that sin is and confess it, the suffering will cease. Or, it reinforces the notion that God calls them, to “remain and endure” in order for their suffering to be rewarded, to discover its hidden meaning, or to prove their faith in God. Be extremely careful. Imagine if victims in your group hear that the suffering they are experiencing is just “part of life, part of God’s plan,” or that they’re lacking faith, but that their suffering will somehow turn out to be for the good of the Kingdom or the glory of God if only they are steadfast. Omnipotence We’re taught that God is bigger than every problem; there’s nothing outside of God’s power; Jesus can fix all that’s broken and awry in our lives; a loving God cares deeply for us, about every hair on our heads. The ramification of this is the ultimate source of abuse victims’ deepest spiritual brokenness and rage. Why doesn’t God hear my prayers, weren’t they good enough? Maybe there is no God. I guess my faith isn’t strong enough. Maybe I’ve already gone to hell. Where was God when this happened to me? God obviously didn’t or doesn’t care enough about me, otherwise why would this be allowed to happen to me and to my family? For abuse victims, these questions are never answered. Grace When abuse victims/survivors hear “It doesn’t matter what you’ve done...” it immediately gets translated into “It doesn’t matter what your abuser has done.” Be careful. Grace can be a powerful ally in helping abuse victims, or it can be just another stone around their necks. The emotional, behavioral, and spiritual outcomes of the misrepresentations of these tenets can be dire. They include depressive or dissociative disorders, suicide or murder, substance abuse, promiscuity, other high-risk behavior, ultra-conservative religious

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beliefs, or simply walking away from God. And sometimes our misguided responses only add to the list. We Ignore It We’re much too quick to believe the denial, the cover up, the retraction, or the profession that it’s been straightened out. Abusers always deny, apologize, and cover it up if someone gets close to sniffing it out. We Make Uninformed or Naive Assumptions We assume that the best help for families in trouble must come from Christian counselors, Christian books, and Christian education; otherwise, essential elements of faith may be compromised. The hard truth is that it’s much more important for people to get good counseling than it is for them to get Christian counseling. We Confront Don’t make the fatal (and it really could be) mistake of trying to “talk to” suspected abusers yourself. Abuse gets worse if the victim tells. The abuse goes further underground, and victims are driven to recant. If you confront abusers, they’ll cut you off from their children. They may even get you fired. Or they’ll withdraw, disappear, and take their families with them. And their children will be worse off than before. We’re Simplistic or Superficial We nobly “respect confidentiality” and try to help the people deal with the problem in secrecy. Sometimes we give both victims and their abusers simplistic answers: claim the victory; accept Jesus; and turn your life over to him; you’re a new person in Christ; the slate is washed clean; you’re born again; you can start again today. Abusers are notorious for claiming “life change,” only to repeat the abuse. We Believe in Total Immersion We take the role of rescuer and jump in whole hog without stopping to realize how long the long haul can be. Abuse victims are terribly needy and often very draining. If we’re not careful, before we know it, we burn out and abandon ship. Ultimately, this can be worse than if we’d done nothing at all. More Appropriate Responses So what can we do? Stop shying away from the issue. We have to find opportunities to raise the issue in our sermons, lessons, conversations, and group prayer time. Abuse When Crisis Strikes: Help for Young Life Leaders

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victims aren’t likely to trust someone enough to share their situations unless the issue has been raised repeatedly. It has to become part of the regular topics you’re already teaching and addressing, such as: sex, love, dating, marriage, sin, forgiveness, divorce, parents and family, self esteem, and the will of God. You can also help this along by appealing to your senior pastor to address the issue from the pulpit, and by finding out if there are opportunities for your youth group to volunteer at shelters or crisis centers. If not (and there are usually safety and confidentiality reasons for this), then incorporate domestic violence shelters into your food/clothing/toiletries drives. In any way possible, let your kids know that this is a very real issue, and one with which you are concerned. We have to get educated enough to recognize abuse’s subtle symptoms in our kids and their families. Educate yourselves as thoroughly as possible. It would be disastrous to get you fired up to address this issue before you have a network in place. Contact your local social services and domestic violence agencies. Find out what kind of training is available. Check out your local Child Protective Services agency. Meet with CPS worker for coffee periodically and develop a relationship with one or more workers in case you need them. Find out which therapists they think are particularly skilled at dealing with abuse victims and go talk to them. Introduce yourself to your service agencies and begin a dialogue. Begin building a bridge between your church and social services. Offer to be on call for kids in shelters who have questions about God. Consider starting a foster program or a shelter within your church. Buy books on the subject, read up on abuse wherever you can, learn the dynamics of the cycle, and go online and research. Learn what the laws are in your state about mandated reporting and what happens when you do. Also find out what happens if an abuser is reported to law enforcement. What are the criteria for arrest?

About the author: Karla Yaconelli is a former Young Life leader, serves on the board of a community-based youth ministry called TeenEdge, and is co-owner of Youth Specialties. Her experience with the church as a (formerly) battered wife gave rise to volunteer work as a victim’s advocate and, ultimately, to becoming a spokesperson on domestic violence issues within communities of faith.

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Family loss and the resulting impact on a teenager Therapists say that when a family suffers loss (death or divorce), adolescents are almost always the forgotten family member. What do they mean by this? Essentially, parents and younger siblings are both expected to show more signs of grief and are given more overt emotional support by those within and around the family. Teens on the other hand, are often greeted with admonishments to “Really be strong, because you’re going to need to be the man around the house now.” Whether it is the loss of a spouse, or the loss of a child, remaining adults in a family are expected to be grief stricken and are generally given the room and support they need to do so. Young children in a family are generally the objects of great worry and concern from surrounding adults and get lots of attention. Teens, on the other hand, are generally less communicative to begin with, are often expected to take on adult roles that are new and often inappropriate for them, and are often given no avenue for their own grief. Here is a classic example. A high school junior boy who is involved in campaigners lost his father last year. The boy stayed in school, continued on in sports AND took sole responsibility for working the family farm. He was written up in first local and then statewide newspapers as a model of heroic maturity. While he is a great young man, and is very mature and heroic, nowhere along the line of this process was there any voicing of the fact that he is also a fragile developing boy whose father has died. Or, that, in taking on all of these adult responsibilities he is both giving up his childhood as well as not giving himself room or energy to mourn the loss of and find healing from the death of his father. It is not our job as Young Life leaders to wade into family dynamics and insist that families attend better to their teenage kids in crisis. But there are ways we can be of aid to kids emotionally in these situations: •

When appropriate, we can gently urge families to be aware that their teens will likely NOT be doing as well as they may appear on the outside.

•

Adjust our relationships with the adolescent in crisis to ease pressure. They may be the star Wyldlife leader and may want to keep pushing on, but it can be a great service to them to make them take less responsibility. This does not mean making them drop off of the leadership team, but more going an extended period of time where less is asked of them than before.

•

Be prepared for eruptions of emotion. Kids may look for months as if they have dealt with loss and moved on. This is probably a lie. They may suddenly become sullen or moody. They may begin to act out in

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surprising and previously uncharacteristic ways. We should not be taken aback by this and give them grace as they work things through. •

We should not focus all of our questions around, “Hey, how is your mom holding up?” or other family members, but ask about them.

•

We should be prepared to call more qualified professionals if they seem to develop significant depression or suicidal behaviors, even months after the crisis seems to have passed.

•

We should give them a place to be kids. That may mean crying and sharing their pain or it may mean being goofy and laughing in ways that don’t happen at home anymore.

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What to do when someone mentions suicide It’s a situation you never hope to be in, but someday you may find yourself listening to a desperate young person reaching out for help. Spending a few minutes now, thinking about how you would handle the situation, could save a person’s life. 1.

Show concern.

2.

Ask direct questions about his/her intentions: •

Are you thinking of suicide?

•

Have you thought about how you would do it?

•

Do you have the means (gun, pills, etc.) available to you?

•

Have you thought about when you would do it?

•

How likely is it that you will act on your suicidal thoughts? Soon?

Remember, the more detailed the plan, the higher the risk. You should not fear bringing up the subject of suicide in a direct manner. By doing so you could be the first person to take the threat seriously and possibly save a life. If you find out the young person does not have a plan for suicide, but is still feeling seriously depressed, you can be a big help by getting the young person connected to the proper help. 3.

GET PROFESSIONAL HELP! Parents, counselors, and possibly the police should all be brought into the crisis without delay. If there is any chance of the person acting CALL 9-1-1. You also must call the Young Life Emergency Hotline to make sure all required state mandates are followed: 1-800-999-8661. Inform your Area Director. Do not make important decisions about the required course of action by yourself. While at camp you must immediately inform the head leaders who will provide the necessary help. Know your contacts at school (guidance counselors, school nurse, school psychiatrist), and within the community (professional counselors and doctors), who can provide help for the student.

4.

Do not promise to keep it a “secret.” Know that you will likely be asked for this confidentiality, and your heart will want to agree to this request, but any mention of suicide (no matter how remote) must be reported to parents, school and/or the police. In almost all cases the student will continue to share with you their feelings, even though you cannot make the promise to keep it a secret.

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5.

Do not get caught in believing that you have to provide solutions to the problems presented. Remember that your concern, attention, and involvement are much more important than solutions.

6.

Things you can talk about: Ask what’s going on in his/her life that has lead to these feelings about wanting to die... home situation and relationship with parents; relationships with friends, boyfriend, girlfriend; school difficulties. Are there things too difficult to talk about? Is the person in trouble? Convey your belief that there are alternatives to suicide and your conviction that talking to a counselor will be helpful. Do not say things like “I don’t want to hear you talking like that.” Or, “How could you want to kill yourself.” Or, “That’s a stupid thing to be thinking about.” These responses will only make the person regret that they told you. Do not debate whether suicide is wrong or right. Do communicate that you don’t want the person to commit suicide.

6.

Stay involved with the person -- encourage continued contact. Seek help for yourself as you experience the trauma of companioning with someone discussing suicide.

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