Sharing Magazine... Children & Grief. This Edition s Topic: touching lives healing hearts giving hope

Volume 23, Issue 5 September/October 2014 Sharing Magazine... touching lives… healing hearts… giving hope... This Edition’s Topic: Children & Gri...
Author: Merilyn Harrell
1 downloads 0 Views 8MB Size
Volume 23, Issue 5 September/October 2014

Sharing Magazine... touching lives…

healing hearts…

giving hope...

This Edition’s Topic:

Children & Grief We hope this brings you comfort and hope for the future.

Page 2

Volume 23, Issue 5

Dear Friends, The National Share Office has had an exciting summer. On July 18th, we learned that we had been awarded a grant from the Missouri Foundation for Health. Our project “Awareness and Access to Perinatal Bereavement Care” will allow us to provide Share training to professionals and community caregivers in areas across the State of Missouri that currently do not have access to perinatal bereavement care. We are excited about this opportunity and hope that the model developed in this project can be applied in other states, greatly increasing the ability of families to receive care in their communities. The thermometer may still be registering in the 90s, but many indicators are pointing to the fact that fall is approaching. Most evident is that it is back-to-school time. By the time you are reading this, the school year for most across the country will be well underway. The season causes us to focus and give attention to the needs of children as they re-enter their formal educational journey. This issue addresses the topic of siblings and grief. We know oftentimes when a family is enveloped in a traumatic experience, the needs of the children may not be addressed in a way that is typical or routine for that child. We also know that children experience and process events in ways very different from our adult experience and processing. I have heard it said that “Children are great observers, but very poor interpreters.” From my life perspective, I would say there is deep wisdom in that statement and maybe some guidance for us as we approach this tough subject is needed. I think for many of us, we can relate experiences in our own childhood where events, now seen through “adult eyes,” are very different than we may have thought as children. We know that children may have very keen feelings of sadness and sorrow, but seemingly move quickly through a spectrum of emotions—even to laughter and play. Thus it is important to allow for opportunities to express those feelings through various means appropriate for the individual child, at their age level. Art, music, play, conversation can all be employed with love and compassion, which helps a brother or sister deal with the tragic death of their baby sibling. Several have contributed to this issue offering a wealth of wisdom to this fragile and heartbreaking subject, offering help and hope. We offer this issue as a tool to give support and encouragement in helping families navigate this very difficult time in their lives. Many times, there are no “right answers,” but knowing you are not alone and that there are others willing to share their stories will help you step towards hope and healing.

Behind the Scenes...

Debbie Cochran, RN Executive Director

Patti Budnik Companion Coordinator

Rose Carlson Program Director

Cathi Lammert, RN Education Coordinator

Megan Nichols Development & PR Director

Jaclyn Nikodym Development & PR Associate

Jen Wilmes Accounting Manager

Jennifer Stachula Group Coordinator

Blessings to you and your family,

Debbie Cochran, RN

Caitlyn Wood Development Intern

Volume 23, Issue 5

Page 3

Contents Features...

4………...Expressions of Grief 4…….…..Time with Kash 5…….…..St. Louis Share Family Picnic 6………...Max’s Footprints Travel the World 7……...….Our Precious Maria 7………….October 15th: Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day 8……..….Sharing Kindness Campaign 10…..……The 19th International Perinatal Bereavement Conference 12….…..Book Review: Thumpy’s Story 12….…..Growing & Grieving 13……...Growing & Grieving (cont) 14……….Ways Children Can Honor Their Siblings 15………..Ways Children Can Honor Their Siblings (cont) 16………..Comforting Ways to Honor Your Baby 17………..Walks Across the Nation: Walk for Remembrance & Hope 17…..…….Helping Grieving Siblings 20.…...…Share Walk for Remembrance & Hope

In Every Issue... Dear Friends……………………….…2 In Memory Of…….….….….….….….9

Sharing is the official newsletter of Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. © 1997

Page 4

Volume 23, Issue 5

Expressions of Grief By: Ginny Limer

She is my most sensitive of six children. My curly haired, natureloving, brilliant, eldest daughter just entered the truck, and she is asking many questions without any words. At just 10, she is very keen at deducing that something is wrong, silently wondering why she has an early dismissal from school. Why is Aunt Jana in the car with us? She is staring at me in disbelief, eyes watering, mouth open, because the words, “Cullin has gone to Heaven” were just forced from my mouth and ripped from my heart. Her baby brother has gone to Heaven, taken from us by Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). I’m thinking, “Yes, my son has just passed away. Yes, I am barely mobile, driving on sheer fear and trauma induced adrenaline, but Kili, and the other five sudden siblings of loss, are now grieving and in need of professional and parental guidance.”

innocent baby girl was there and, along with another four year old girl and a one year old boy, experienced a very traumatic situation. Death has a way of making children feel angry, guilty, fearful, lonely, depressed, which causes physical distress and a loss of innocence. Ours is a blended family, a “his, mine, ours” family. Cullin was OURS, all of ours, each of ours. The pain of his absence is felt as a whole as well as individuals, and leaves us all wondering why. The loss of a child leaves a family wondering why. We wonder why, and we wonder what actions to take now. Searching for healthy ways to deal with Cullin’s death, we read many books about loss (such as “Dancing on the Moon,” and “We were Going to have a Baby but Had and Angel Instead”), and have had many open (and openended) discussions. We read for answers. We searched for understanding. There is a need for both understanding and being understood while grieving.

With broken hearts and idle hands, Cullin’s siblings wrote messages to their brother and sent them to the sky during a balloon release that was provided by thoughtful neighbors. These ladies also brought chalk, lots of chalk, for the kids to draw pictures and messages “to Cullin” on the driveway. Focused, creative activities encourage the children to channel their grief in a positive, healthy way. Ryan, the oldest son, began to write songs. The curly haired, sensitive big sister began drawing pictures on paper. Dalton began writing about memories and Our three sons, Ryan, Dalton, and times shared with his baby Aren (ages 13, 10 and 8 at the time) are told about their little buddy, their brother. The oldest two created a newsletter, calling baby brother’s passing. Silence, it Children with Difficulties blank stares, and many tears follow and Loss (C.D.L. their baby those heartbreaking and unbelievably difficult conversations. brother’s initials) and include submissions from other The fifth little piggy, Kindil June (4 siblings of loss that they have years old then) witnesses and connected with through our experiences Cullin’s passing first hand at our beloved baby sitter, Mrs. non profit for families that have endured the loss of a Amy’s, house. My poor, sweet, child.

Scared Sidless was inspired by loving neighbors, created for families and siblings of loss, and helps others in honor of Cullin Darden Limer. We are here to help other families find creative ways to channel grief at home. If you would like to find out more about Scared Sidless, Camp

Cullin (our annual “get away” for siblings of grief), any of our initiatives for families of loss, or to have your children submit their expressions of grief for the children’s newsletter, please “Like” us at www.facebook.com/sidlessnow or visit www.scaredsidless.com . Scared Sidless, “Turning the helplessness into helpfulness.” About the Author: Ginny Limer, Wife, Teacher, Photographer, CEO of www.scaredsidless.com Mother of 5 on Earth, 1 in Heaven. Our six month old son, and the light of all of our lives, passed away from SIDS on October 1, 2012.

Volume 23, Issue 5

Page 5

Time with Kash By: Sarah Barnfield

We received this beautiful and touching picture of Kendall, a bereaved sibling. This is her mother, Sarah’s description of the picture: My daughter’s name is Kendall, and in this picture, she is reading her paper reader from school because she wanted to show her little brother Kash that she was learning to read. Kash died in April of 2011 at eight days old from complications of severe Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension of the Newborn, PPHN. He is our fifth child of six. Kash is buried around the country block from our rural home, and we stop at his resting place often. Some of my kids wait in the car, while others get out to talk to Kash. Kendall always kisses his picture on his headstone. I feel like each of my children are very different people, so I make a strong effort to let each of them grieve as they choose to. I don't force them through it, because it's something they each experience in their own ways.

St. Louis Share Family Picnic The St. Louis Share Chapter hosted an annual family picnic on Sunday, August 24, 2014. With several families in attendance, the gathering offered a beautiful service at the Angel of Hope in Blanchette Park, St. Charles, MO.

Page 6

Volume 23, Issue 5

Max’s Footprints Travel the World By: DeAndrea Dare

When my husband Aaron and I first started dating, we were thrilled to discover that we shared a love of travel. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, we began to dream about all of the places we would visit with our baby, all the adventures we would take and all of the sites that we would see through the innocent eyes of a child. We bought a new camera at Christmas so we would have plenty of time to learn how to use all of the features in time for the baby's arrival. Never did we ever dream that our lives would turn out much different than we could have ever imagined. Max was born in the early hours of March 12, 2013 at only 28 weeks due to a placental abruption. I remember Aaron placing our beautiful Max in my arms and with tears running down his face he said, "Wherever we go, whatever we do, we are always going to think about how he should be with us." As I recovered at home from the emergency surgery and tried to tread the waters of grief, I searched the internet for ways to honor my baby boy. I found artists who made jewelry for me out of his hand and foot prints. For Mother's Day friends gave me bracelets with his name on them. And then a friend sent me a link, it was to an etsy site,

where I could have his prints made into a stamp. My friend suggested that I could take it with me to special places. I began to think about how I could physically leave his 'mark' wherever I went. I contacted the etsy shop owner and shared with her Max's story. She was so kind and agreed to make the stamp of his feet for me. And, so it began that Max's mark began being stamped all over the country. His footprint is stamped and painted on a Heart Stone and is placed at the Bridge of Hope at Faith's Lodge in Wisconsin. His feet are stamped on the threshold of my parent's home in Louisiana. Last year his feet were stamped on a prayer flag that flew on the top of Cadillac Mountain in Maine at sunrise. My favorite place and experience so far was stamping his feet in the sand in South Carolina. We woke up at sunrise and headed to the beach. It was incredibly peaceful as the sun began to peak out from the soft fluffy clouds. The pastel colors were nearly the shades of a baby nursery. The water gently made its way up onto the beach and then quietly flowed back out to sea. I found a stick and began to write his name in the sand. As I wrote the letters I was filled simply with peace. And then I began to stamp his feet, one by one, side by side in a walking pattern as if he were running on the sand and having his little toes tickled by the foaming water for the first time. Tears crept into the corner of my eyes but I also smiled. The joy that I had felt while I carried him inside of me began to return, print by print. The grief that at times had felt like a tsunami overwhelming me somehow gave way in those moments to a gentle softness that

filled me once again with a love that no words could ever describe. My husband and I looked down and the tiny prints of our son who changed our lives, made us parents, created a family and left a legacy that is still unfolding. My friend, holding the camera that we bought at Christmas which we thought would be taking a picture of the three of us on the beach one day, still took a picture of the three of us, just in a different way. The

wind blew in wild gusts and our hair flew around like mad. We knelt down behind his name, looked up at the camera...and smiled. We were overwhelmed with love, filled with joy, finding a little peace and being surrounded by Max's spirit that could not be contained in such a little body. I look back at that picture all of the time. It was a turning point. Those tsunami waves still come from time to time. I still wish I could hold him in my arms and not have to stamp his feet. But, he goes with us, we carry him in all of our moments in all of our travels and his little footprints are on our hearts forever and can be found wherever we are and where ever we go. Remembering Anderson Maxwell Graham March 12, 2013

Volume 23, Issue 5

Page 7

Our Precious Maria By: Laura Lumetta

Maria Grace Lumetta was stillborn on December 19, 2011. The loss of our precious Maria was felt by not only my husband and I, but also by the eight siblings she left behind. Our children mourned in various ways. Some drew pictures, some wrote letters, and one daughter crocheted identical blankets. One of the blankets I held Maria in at the hospital and now keep in a special place, and the other blanket was wrapped around Maria before she was placed in the casket.

You were a blessing, a joy, The first moment we heard of you. You were loved from the start By ev'ryone around you. You were a sweet creation of God, And He gave you a family to live in. How anyone could love you more I just can't imagine.

You were a light, an example, Changing your whole family. We saw you and thought, The following is a poem that another daughter, Carolina (age 13 “She will live very happily.” at the time), wrote for Maria. This poem was framed and displayed at You had brothers galore, the memorial service. Sisters and parents who loved you. You had uncles, aunts, and cousins, And grandparents, too.

Yet, you were called to God. He wanted His sweet creation with Him. You are with Jesus now. You are in Heaven with Him. We all mourn you. We wanted you to stay. But if God wants you more, How could we keep you away? God, take care of her please, In Your warm embrace. We know she delights in you, Seeing Your wonderful face. Maria, we miss you dearly. We still love you in ev'ry way. We will see you again soon Up there in Heaven someday.

October 15th: Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day October 15, 2014 is a universal day of remembrance for pregnancy loss and infant death. This day is observed with remembrance ceremonies and candle-lighting vigils, concluding with the International Wave of Light worldwide lighting of candles at 7pm. Share will host a Wave of Light ceremony at the National Office in St. Charles, MO at 7pm. For additional information or to RSVP, please email Rose at [email protected]. www.october15th.com

Volume 23, Issue 5

Page 8

Sharing Kindness Campaign Share launched a Random Acts of Kindness campaign, Sharing Kindness, in which you can print the below card, complete your RAK and leave the card for the recipient. Then we encourage you to email or call Share and tell us about your RAK. We will then publish the special stories from bereaved parents about how you left a footprint on someone's heart in memory of your baby(ies).

how special all people are to God. We colored pictures and put stickers on the envelopes. When everyone was done, we took our love letters and went outside the shelter to the streets. As we passed someone that looked sad or lonely, a child would hand them a love letter. The people would open their letters and start to smile or cry. We said to each person, "Today, may you only know love." The children loved doing this and asked if we can do it again.

So get started by printing a kindness card, http:// www.nationalshare.org/ShareRAK.pdf, and performing random acts of kindness in memory of your baby! We look forward to hearing from you - email [email protected] or 636-947-6164.

Thank you, Max! You see, it was your story and the love everyone had for you that was shared to all of these people who didn't know they were loved. Merry Christmas! Love, Kim"

The below was submitted to Share by DeAndrea Dare about her son Max’s memories living on through Random Acts of Kindness.

If that wasn't sweet enough, when Valentine's rolled around Kim sent me an email that said the following... "I forgot to tell you that yesterday when I was at the shelter making valentines, one of the girls said, " Valentine's Day is about love. Remember the little boy named Max that only knew love?" That sweet Max is always touching lives!"

My husband and I did not know how we were going to make it through this past Christmas. It should have been our first Christmas with our son Max, who was stillborn on March 20, 2013 due to a placental abruption. We had been The letters allowed us to really celebrate Christmas with looking forward to holidays with him from the moment we Max and we plan to make this a tradition each year. found out I was pregnant. We heard another mom talk about how she asks people do to random acts of kindness in honor of her child during December and then write to her family to share the stories. We decided that we wanted to honor Max, and because so many people had asked what they could do for us since his death, we thought that this was a tangible way that people could help us by honoring Max and touching another person's life. We asked family and friends to do something and then write a letter to Max and mail it to us. I had a stocking made with his name on it, and every day when the mail came, I would put his letters in his stocking. On Christmas Day, we went to the cemetery and opened the letters one by one and read them out loud. It took us over three hours because of the number of letters and the emotion of reading the impact of his life on our world. I think of these letters all of the time, but there was one that stood out and particularly touched me. I want to share it with you. I still cannot read this without crying... "Dear Max, I wanted to share with you what I did in your memory this Christmas. I have a reading group at the homeless shelter. Last Tuesday, we decided to do a writing project instead. I sat the children in a circle and shared with them Max's story, the story of little boy who only knew love. Then each child wrote a love letter. They wrote how God loves everyone and

Page 9

Volume 23, Issue 5

Thank You for Your Gifts! In Memory of… Owen Michael Backer Go Team Owen! Wish I could be there. By: Ehren Dodson Kate DeLong Always in our thoughts and hearts. By: Sandra Giles/ Jane DeLong Isabella Faith Fischer By: Joanna Tejada Patrick James Gannon By: Cindy Gannon Cian Gossett In loving memory of sweet Cian. Forever and always in our hearts. By: Casie & Brent Rentel Christopher B. Graville, Jr This donation is being made in the name of Christopher B. Graville, Jr. By: Regina McGahan Michael Hurley With sympathy and love, Aunt Pam, Aunt Pat, Aunt Penny, Uncle Dale, Uncle Dennis and Kelly By: Penny May Michael Hurley By: Cindy Stucky Xavier A. Khan By: Matching Gift Caleb Joseph Leible By: Barbara Gartland By: Julie Gill Weihl By: Mommy, Daddy & Hayley Leible Baby Maffit Love, Your Fairmount Family By: Tegan Milford Jack Pimmel So great to see you two today. Our prayers will be heartfelt and many for you. Love, comfort and peace to you all. Joe and Karen Wientge By: Karen Wientge

Jacob Louis Pliske By: Scott & Sandy Bichel By: Judy Brink By: Carol Elmendorf By: Earl Flack By: Sharon Gerken By: Claire Kaveler By: Mary Lou Michler By: Sue Pape By: Dawn Plackemeier By: Jane Romano Briana Josephine Smith You are in our hearts forever and will never be forgotten. Love Uncle Steve & Aunt Janet By: Steve & Janet Warren Francis Raymond Stockmann Please accept this donation in memory of Francis Raymond Stockmann, our grandson. ~ Barb and Bob Phelps By: Barb Phelps Declan Theodore Tremblay By: Sarah Frisbie Angelique Valdivia-Castillo Happy 5th Birthday to our beautiful daughter Angelique, can't wait to meet again and hold your hand forever!!! Mommy, daddy and baby sister miss you dearly! By: Maria Castillo Hunter Charles Webb In honor of our son, Hunter Charles Webb By: Betsy Webb Giuliana By: Nicole Gonzalez Max By: Kristina LaFave I am so sorry for your loss. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this trying time. By: David Levy In Honor of… Ivonne & Greg Furneaux By: Amy McLean

Beth Ziegler This gift is in honor of my daughter, Beth, who lost her first child in 2013. She is now expecting again & due Oct. 16th. This donation is in lieu of favors at her upcoming baby shower. By: Laura Mihalik Friends of Share… Eddie and Megan Acelar Kelly Adams Bridget Allen Jamie Appelbaum Jim & Terry Bates Gene & Glenda Bauza Jim & Mary Jo Bemke Rachel M. Berlin Valeria Bernardo Sara Berry Maria Boleach Skylar Bose Donnald Bradley Ryan Bromberger Racheal Bryan Tony and Sheila Campbell Nicole Carbaugh Darren Carlton Jaime Carr Holly Cheatham RB Clark Kathy L. Collier Julieane Cook Tiffany and Justin Cook Angela Corr Raymond D'Auria Sara and Brian Davis Donny and Sue DeNatale Jena Dennett Susan Derousse Crystal Dettmers Sarah Dodd Kim Dresner Sean Dulle Kalee Evans Ackerman Family Mehegan Family Bonnie/Jim Fischer Kim Fitch Stephanie Fontanazza Kim Fridley Margaret Friis Maggie Garino Scott Garn Crystal Gatewood

Volume 23, Issue 5

Cristin Golus Jo Ann Greer Emily Hall Karen Hall Maggie Harr Erin Hendrickson Sheila Hendrickson Stephanie Hilpert Barb Hindman Marcella Hodge Ryan Hodge Jeanette Hoelzer Lauren Hoff Bari Hoopingarner Mark Horack Nena Horack Francie Hornstein Amanda Horton Bill Howell Jacinda Hurley Linda Jenkins JR and Julie Jennings Darryl Kessler Tamara Khan Sarah Kingree Tom Klingeman Emily Krakowski Amy Krohn Tracy Krysl Beverly LaFata

Page 10

Mara Lahnar Judy Lawless Jeremy / Liz Megan Longhi Barbara Lorenzen Dawn Lynch Beth & Mark Marshall Tim and Kellie Martin Melissa Mehegan Kristen Milsark Miranda Mosley Brandy New Brooke Nimmo Pam Ogborn Heather Pallardy Julie Pettit Diane Petzoldt Apryl Preusser Jason Preusser Vidya Ramaswamy Rachel Remington John Rieken Ladawn Rodgers John and Mimi Rosing Jenn Sadrerafi Eric Saltzman Carol Saxton Barbara Scheer Rod and Laurie Schoenecker Carol Shattuck-Rice

Hannah F Shelp Danny Shurtz Andy and Michelle Silman Cindy Silman John Smith Melissa Smith Melody Smith Pappy & Grandma Snider Jeni Stamburski Karla Stauder Jeff and Mary Steinhart Nicole Stewart Michael Tanigawa Christin Tanner Robert Tarrant Michelle Taylor Melissa Teague Jan Thompson Kayla Thompson Zack Thompson Susan Tusinski Joe Vale Mary & Dave Verseman Myra Weeks Daphne and Stephen Whistler Bonnie Wilson Kristen Wilson Emily Zipprich

2014 International Perinatal Bereavement Conference November 6 - 9, 2014 Registration is now open!! Don’t miss out on this perinatal bereavement conference! November 6 - 9, 2014 Marriott Plaza Hotel, San Antonio, TX The 19th Biennial International Perinatal Bereavement Conference promises to be an exciting learning and networking opportunity that will engage in educational and networking opportunities for those who support bereaved families. For more information, visit the conference website, www.perinatalbereavementconference.org!

Page 11

Volume 23, Issue 5

I’d Bring My Sister, But She’s Dead By: Laura Fowler It’s a tricky thicket to manage the grief of a child. Not only have you lost a child but the entire family has too. Fathers, grandparents, and sometimes, siblings feel the loss in distinct ways. My daughter, Sydney, is a surviving twin. Her sister, Lucy, died a day after her delivery from a series of birth defects. Sydney never “saw” her after delivery as Lucy was whisked away to a different hospital, but she knew her sister better than anyone. We as a family do not hold Lucy’s memory locked away. We need to grieve. We talk about her. We talk about her spirit/soul/memory. We point out the crickets we hear (our talisman for Lucy because her fetal heartbeat sounded like a cricket – in contrast to Syd’s thor-like boom!) We feel her in the air. We try not to reel when we see or meet another “Lucy.”

Why did she die? (Her body was sick and couldn’t live). What did she look like? (I’ll try and find a picture – I keep putting this off because frankly, dead baby photos are not my thing, and the ones from birth are so tube-infested, it’s hard to tell exactly what Lucy looked like). Is she lonely in the cemetery? (No, we buried her with a photo and a stuffed animal). These questions are fine, healthy, and appropriate. What my daughter struggles with are the more existential questions to which I have few answers. They come, as all grief does, at inexplicable and unsuspected moments. Like when we were walking into school on the last day of kindergarten, and I told her I wanted her to stop so I could take a picture of her, and she said, “So you can send it to Lucy in our hearts?”

I explained, gently, that Lucy was not ever a secret or something bad, but that people who are not close family and friends don’t always know how to react when you talk about Lucy. Maybe we should talk about her with people we know really well who already know about her? Her response cut me to the core.: “But she was here, and she was my sister, and I want people to know that I had her.” How can you possibly argue with that? Isn’t it how we all feel all of the time.? Would that we had the flexible social filters of a grieving 6year-old.

And so we plod through. I told her new teacher about Lucy. It doesn’t help that there are two sets of twins in her class. God bless her, she didn’t bat an eye. She didn’t offer condolences or act awkward. She Their birthday was this month, on Or, when we were reading Stella: August 10. At 12:29 and 12:30 pm. Queen of the Snow one night before said, “Ok. Thanks for telling me. Now I will know how to react when 6 years. 6 years since the day before bed. Stella makes snow angels in I hear it.” Frankly, it was the best delivery when I still had twins. 6 the end. “Does Lucy have angel answer I could have asked for. It’ll years since they lived together. 6 friends?” she asked. be a good year. years since her death. For me, 3 Or, when the gymnastics instructor horrible days in August. The fog As a mother, I grieve. I grieve all lifts every year on the 12th – when offered a “bring a friend day” for the time. I never say I lost a it is all “over” for another year. But the next week and Syd twirled over daughter. I always say that Syd was and said, “I’d bring my sister but as you all know, it is ever present. a surviving twin. That she lost her she’s dead.” sister. Her twin. And for now, and Syd has always heard about Lucy Lately, Syd mentions Lucy to perhaps forever, this loss is but began asking longer, deeper random adults that she meets and uniquely hers. questions at about 3 ½ years old. sometimes to her peers in class. I Who was she? (Your twin – in my asked her about it. We talked tummy at the same time as you). through the shower door one night.

Double Your Donation Dollars! Want to maximize the impact your gifts have? Ask your employer to match your donations. Many companies match dollar for dollar, turning a $100 gift into $200 in just a few simple steps. http://www.nationalshare.org/matching-gifts.html

Volume 23, Issue 5

Page 12

Book Review: Thumpy’s Story Nancy C. Dodge

Thumpy the Bunny shares the hurt and concerns felt when his sister dies. His family draws together and helps each other grieve and grow into a healing experience. Questions, anger, bargaining, and searching for answers all rise within the family and individuals. This story provides an opportunity for children and adults to verbalize their own experience. Appropriate for all ages. To purchase this book from Share’s online catalog, visit: https://www.z2systems.com/np/clients/share/ product.jsp?product=74&

Growing & Grieving By: Laura Brooks

On October 14, 2012, I stood in the kitchen preparing crockpot meals, hoping to minimize the need to cook while caring for the new baby I would be bringing home the next week. As I happily prepared frozen chicken in more ways that I can recount, I had no idea the whirlwind of trauma and pain that lie just hours ahead of us. When we realized there was something wrong, my mother rushed over to stay with our five year old twin daughters while we raced to the hospital. We calmly told them before leaving that mommy and the baby needed to go to the hospital to get checked out. I delivered Eva several hours later, our children still with my mother. We initially didn’t want them to come, but thankfully, a supportive nurse suggested we reconsider. She reminded us of things we already knew but weren’t able to process at that moment. Unless they saw her, she would not seem as real to them. We wanted them to know her, like we knew her. We felt we should be the ones to tell them their highly anticipated baby sister would not be coming home. So like us, they came to the hospital, full of excitement, expecting to meet their new, living little sister for the first time. My husband met them in the hallway and took them into a separate room to give them the horrific news. I still don’t know how he pulled it together enough to do it. I don’t think I could have… but then perhaps I could have because for our children, we do things we never thought we were capable of.

I’ve heard it said many times that “there’s no wrong way to grieve.” As we’ve made this journey with two little girls in tow, I’ve come to realize differently. There may be no wrong way to grieve, but through your actions, your words, even your silence, you are teaching— teaching the precious children you have left how to deal with intense emotions, insurmountable pain, despair, and anger. The most horrific feeling of helplessness I’ve ever experienced was when my daughter died. The second was being faced with my inability to save my surviving children’s innocence, to protect them from the pain. I think my grief journey would be quite different if it weren’t for them. Watching them meet their sister, hold her and sing to her was one of the most bittersweet moments I’ve ever experienced. From that day forward, we decided as parents that we could not protect them from this trauma, but we could do our best to help them survive it with the least amount of scars. Sometimes doing the best thing for their grief journey meant making mine more painful. They asked questions, hard questions, and after we answered them, they asked them again. One of our girls was convinced Eva was just playing possum. We had to explain that she never took a breath and that her heart was no longer beating. They asked the questions adults thought, but weren’t brave enough to ask. How did we know something was wrong? Why did her heart quit beating? Will we ever see her again? Why does everyone else get to bring their baby

Page 13

Volume 23, Issue 5

Growing & Grieving (cont) died about how their “mom went through all that for nothing.” They still talk about it. They used to be We realized early on that they modulated their behavior to balance angry, but now recognize how people ours. If I cried when they mentioned say hurtful things without realizing they are being hurtful. her name, they shushed each other. They recently had the We had to teach them that it was okay to cry, okay to be angry, okay to opportunity to meet be sad, and above all, still okay to be other children who had lost siblings at Faith’s happy. Quite honestly it was a tag Lodge. It was both team effort; when I couldn’t handle amazing and the questions, my husband would, when he couldn’t take it anymore, it heartbreaking to see four little girls gluing was my turn again. Though painful away, all the while beyond belief, we worked Eva into conversations every day, and we still discussing their siblings who died. do. We make remembering and celebrating Eva the norm in our house. It’s been almost two years now. On Eva’s first birthday we wanted to When we visit the cemetery, they balance the pain with help pick flowers to decorate her some joy, so we visited grave then scour the cemetery for the zoo. If she had been stray petals, which they arrange on alive, it would probably her headstone with great care. It’s have been one of her their way of taking care of their favorite places. They baby sister. picked an animal to adopt in her honor. We With my husband’s help they made their own photo books, selecting the started with A, for alligator, and they have images and graphics to go on each spent the past eleven months page. It’s their most treasured debating on what “B” animal we possession. They read children’s should pick next. Sometimes, they books about losing your baby, draw pictures of her, make crafts and write talk about wanting to pick the zebra stories about her. They take pictures for “Z”, not yet realizing they will be grown women, perhaps even with to show and tell, wear their “Eva children of their own by the time we shirts” proudly, and tell everyone, right down to the waitress at the local get to “Z”. But greasy spoon that they have a sister, we know, behind our smiles lies even though she’s not here. And the pain of some days, they just cry. knowing what reaching “Z” As they’ve grown and their really means. understanding increases, they ask more painful questions. They spent months questioning if their little brother was still alive, and make statements about hoping that he lives “at least until he’s 21.” Their innocence has been lost. And just as adults say unintentionally hurtful things, so do children. One of their peers made a comment just after Eva home?

Volume 23, Issue 5

Page 14

Ways Children Can Honor Their Siblings Children who experience a traumatic loss such as the death of a sibling often experience the same intense feelings of grief that adults do. However, children, who are sometimes called “the forgotten mourners,” typically are not able to verbally communicate the deep and sometimes scary emotions they have the way adults may be able to. Just as can happen with adults who are grieving, children who suppress their emotions and fears can experience a long-term negative impact on their healing and growth.

help them bring emotions to the surface they may have buried, it is also a good way to open the lines of communication with the adults who love them. Working on a creative project together can be a way to bring the whole family together at a time when they may all be struggling to communicate with each other. One can learn a great deal from a child who is explaining his or her drawing or other handiwork, and there are other benefits as well. Art can be a constructive diversion for a child who may be upset or confused by the changes that have taken place in the family, and it can be a stress Not only can experiencing the reliever. Engaging in a project is a death of a sibling be a scary, good way uncertain time for a child, but it can also be frightening for parents, for a child who in the midst of their own grief, of any age to relieve may not know how to help their their child/ren deal with their feelings. anxieties. Keep in mind that many children want to share their feelings with the adults they love, but they likely The most do not know how to do so. important thing is to have fun So, if you are the parent of a and grieving child, what can help? encourage While much has been written about children to and for children grieving the death create from their heart, of a baby sibling, and Share has numerous resources, one thing that but following are some tips to keep in can be universal to grieving mind and some activities that you children is their enjoyment of may enjoy doing with your creating things using various art children: mediums. Many children are naturally drawn to painting, cutting, playing with clay and will gain much comfort from art projects. In addition, many children become quite expressive and can easily become engrossed in the process of creating something. They typically like to tell you about their creations. Therefore, engaging a child in a creative art or craft project is a good way to not only

Offer minimal help to the child. If the child does need assistance with some aspects of what he or she is doing, avoid giving advice on what they should or should not do. For instance, do not say things like, “Maybe you should color the bird blue.” Encourage the process, and let your child know that it is okay if things

don’t turn out perfectly. Comment only on what you see without interpreting it. Let the child tell you about what they have done. For example, say things like, “I see you drew 5 people,” or “I see you painted a blue tree.” Avoid saying, “Why did you make the tree blue?” Statements like these may put the child on the defensive and cause them to be less willing to talk about their creations. Ask specific questions to encourage the child to talk about what they made or drew. For instance, ask, “What do you see when you look at your

drawing?” Or, “Tell me about the blue tree.” Another good way to start a conversation is to ask questions such as, “If that bird could talk, what would it say?” Avoid both critiquing and praising the art work. Neither is a good way of encouraging the child to talk about what he or she has made. It may sound silly to think that praising a child’s work is not a good idea, however, making comments about their work, even positive ones, can put ideas into their mind they may not have thought of or

Page 15

Volume 23, Issue 5

Ways Children Can Honor Their Siblings inadvertently make them feel negative about their work. The child may also feel as if they did something “wrong” if your comments, even positive ones, do not reflect what they were thinking and feeling when they were working on their project. Also, let your children know that it is okay if they want to keep what they made private and not share it with anyone. Older children may enjoy writing about their artwork. If you can, create a special place to gather and keep a variety of art supplies that your child enjoys. Encourage them to use these supplies whenever the mood strikes. Find ways to use and display your child’s artwork if they are okay with that. Use a drawing or poem on a birth announcement, frame a drawing, or place a clay sculpture in a cabinet or shadow box with other mementos.

Some children enjoy writing and may want to write a poem to be read at a funeral or memorial service. Make a “talking stick.” Find a stick or dowel, decorate it with paint, stickers, yarn, etc. letting each family member choose something to decorate it with. Sit around a table or in a circle on the floor, and pass the stick to each person as it is his or her turn to talk. You can begin with a question or thought to get started, such as “what will you miss most about being a big brother or big sister?”, “How has your life changed since the baby died,” or “What are some happy memories you have of the baby?” You can also use the stick to

your own. Make a “mad box.” Give your child an empty shoe box or other small box. Let them decorate the box, then, help them cut a slit in the top of the box. Give them slips of paper to keep with the box and tell them they can write things they are angry and/or sad about and things they worry about on the slips of paper and put them in the box. They may want you to read the things they put in the box, or they may not. Take photographs of the things your children create and keep them in a photo album. This may become a family treasure in later years.

You do not need to be a professional art therapist for you and your child to benefit from creating together. The goal is to enjoy the time you spend making and talking about the things your child creates. In the process, you may learn some things about your child and the way he or Set aside some family she is grieving that you did time to work on a project not already know if you sit in memory of your baby. back and watch and listen. tell a story or create a poem, having While it can be challenging to focus Ask your children for their ideas. each person add to it as you pass it on ways to help your grieving Perhaps you can work on a photo around. If someone does not feel album or scrapbook. Or, you may children, the benefits can be like talking, that is okay too, and want to start a family journal in tremendous. Encouraging children which everyone writes letters to the the stick can be passed on to the to create things in memory of their next person. Use your family and baby or simply writes about their sibling can help keep the baby children as a guide. thoughts and feelings. lifelike in their memory even years Color mandalas. Mandalas are later as well as provide your family black and white geometric designs with valuable mementos you will Planning a memory garden for that promote creativity and always treasure. your yard can be a fulfilling relaxation. You can find free family activity. Let children mandalas on the internet, choose plants and garden everything from very simple ornaments or make stepping designs for younger children to stones. more intricate patterns. You can also purchase software to create

Volume 23, Issue 5

Page 16

Comforting Ways to Honor Your Baby By: Rose Carlson, Share’s Program Director

When a family is expecting a new baby, hopes and dreams are destroyed with the news that the baby has died. Parents may have imagined what it would be like to become parents for the first time. Or, perhaps they already have children who were happily anticipating a new baby. When the baby dies, parents may struggle with the best ways to include their living children and help them honor their role as a big brother or sister.

treat.

beads and make their own.



Take annual photographs at monuments, gardens, or in front of a tree or bush planted in memory of the baby.



If your living children were too young to participate in activities when the baby was born, share  mementos with your children as they grow up.



Put a photograph, special

This can be especially difficult if the baby who died was their first baby, and many times, parents worry that children who may follow will not really “know” the sibling who came before him or her. All of these situations can be very distressing and confusing to parents. There are endless opportunities—let your heart and the ideas of your children guide you-- but here are some comforting ways families have found to include their baby in their family’s daily life and important rituals. 

Attend yearly remembrance walks and/or other memorial services.



Find ways to commemorate special days such as the baby’s  birthday. Let your child pick out balloons to release and write  messages to attach to them or tell you what they want you to write. Let your child help you make a birthday cake or other



Let your child make something at Build-A-Bear and put a recording of the baby’s heartbeat inside. Include it, or another stuffed animal, in family photos. If you have something special that symbolizes your baby such as a ladybug, butterfly, angel, etc., help your child start their own collection of these items. Older children may enjoy volunteering at memorial events in memory of their baby sibling. 

Realize that as the years go by, children will react in new ways, and they may have their own “grief triggers,” such as weddings, etc. Encourage them to find ways to honor their sibling on these occasions. 

Allow children to purchase an item on vacation that reminds them of the baby, or take photographs of the baby’s name written somewhere such as the beach or on a rock in the mountains. 

stuffed animal, photo or other memento of your baby who died in the new baby’s room. Create a holiday ornament each year. Have a piece of memorial jewelry made for your child including the baby’s birthstone, name, and/or handprint/ footprint, or let them pick out

Volume 23, Issue 5

Page 17

Helping Grieving Siblings: Tips for Parents Who are Grieving, Too By: Kara Judd-Litera, CCLS, CEIM Navigating unchartered waters of the Therapist are great resources to help loss of an infant is an overwhelming you. and seemingly insurmountable task Let them be involved. If they cannot for parents. or do not wish to be involved in the When they are also faced with care of the baby at the time of death, helping surviving children, many invite them to create a picture, love difficult emotions may surface. note, or choose a special outfit for the Guilt, confusion about what may be baby. Ask them if they would like to the “right” way to handle things, even be involved in planning the funeral, an unawareness of their emotional memorial service or celebration of needs are all common feelings that life. have been described to me by Offer them their own keepsake or parents. memento of the baby. A handprint, a Often, it is assumed that the siblings picture, an ornament with the baby’s are just bumping along in the current name on it of their own can make with the rest of the family, and may their relationship to their lost sibling not be aware of much of what others feel more real and forge a connection are feeling or indeed, what has to he or she in the future. occurred leading up to the loss of Offer them a break. Let them know it their infant brother or sister. is still ok to hang out with friends, go However, it is more often the truth that they are trying to swim along in to school, or have a play date. If a friend or grandparent wants to take the same tide as everyone else, without creating waves. So, how can them for the day and they want to go, you help? Here are a few tips to help that’s ok. steer your course. Keep normal routines and rules when possible. This creates a feeling Be honest. Give them information of security. Young children will test appropriate for the child’s developmental age level. A Child Life rules as a way of seeking reassurance that the adults are still in charge and Specialist, Pediatrician, or Play taking care of them. Teens will do

this to see “how bad things really are”. For example, “I stayed out past curfew all week, and mom didn’t say a word. She must really be in bad shape.” Give yourself permission to say “I don’t know, “when you don’t. Children ask lots of questions when it comes to death and dying. Many of them are “why” questions and you may not have the answers to these. Likewise, give yourself permission to tell your child when they see you are having a bad day. “Yesterday I felt ok, but today I fell really angry that our baby died.” Again, this gives your child permission to express feelings that may be similar without acting out. Use resources for yourself and for surviving children. Grief counseling programs for siblings, books, and counseling are all good things to utilize for the entire family. Seeing that it is okay for you to ask for help shows your child that it is ok for them to ask for help. About the Author: Kara Judd-Litera is a Certified Child Life Specialist and Case Manager at CompassionNet of CNY.

Share Walk for Remembrance & Hope: Walks Across the Nation Lewisburg, PA Saturday, October 4, 2014 1 Hospital Drive Lewisburg, PA 17837 Contact: Susan Payne Phone: 570.522.2378 St. Mary Street Park Lewisburg, PA Registration starts at 9:30 Service at 10:15 followed by a walk and balloon release. http://www.evanhospital.com/walk

Bridgewater, NJ Sunday, October 5, 2014 Duke Island Park, Bridgewater, NJ Contact: Bridgette Como Phone: 900.832.5029 Email: [email protected] Visit http://www.nationalshare.org/walks.html for more walks, as they are posted.

Volume 23, Issue 5

Page 18

With Gratitude Share thanks those who have so graciously given these monetary donations in memory of a baby, relative, friend, and in honor of all loved ones and through Matching Gift Programs. Gratuitous donations are also accepted from anyone who wants to help Share in its mission. We gratefully acknowledge these gifts, which help us continue to reach out and fulfill the daily needs of bereaved parents. Share’s services are available free of charge to bereaved parents, family and friends, or anyone whose life has been touched by the loss of baby. When you make a donation in memory of a/your baby(ies), please include the name(s) of the baby(ies), the birth/death date(s) and the parents name(s). If you donate in memory/honor of a special loved one, please include their name(s) and pertinent information. A short message may also be included with any donation.

The Mission Share’s mission is to serve those who are touched by the tragic death of a baby through early pregnancy loss, stillbirth or in the first few months of life. Six times a year, we share information and ideas from parents and professionals to support and provide a sense of friendship for bereaved parents. We hope you will find this magazine helpful and that you will share it with others you feel it would interest. We encourage you to send your personal articles, stories, poems, artwork and recipes to our magazine at any time. Please do not submit copied, copyrighted, or web articles. The Magazine Editor reserves the right to edit your personal submission for content and/or length to fit the needs of the particular magazine edition in which it will appear. Your submission may be used for the current magazine, or may be used in a future publication. All submissions become the property of Share. Please include all pertinent personal information so we may identify you and your baby/ies in the respective publication. Your submission grants Share permission to list your personal information with the publication unless instructed otherwise. Magazine Submission Guidelines: 1. Please provide title, authors’ name and applicable loss information for article submissions. If donating monetarily in memory of a baby, please provide loss information, including the parent’s name(s). 2. Submissions must be received no later than the 1st of the month, one month prior to issue month. If you are making a donation and would like to be recognized, or honor a birthday or anniversary, in the most recent edition of the magazine, then it, must be received by the 10th of the month, two months prior to the publication. 3. Please type your submissions in single spaced, 10 point, Times New Roman or Arial font when possible. 4. Submissions can be mailed to 402 Jackson, St. Charles, MO 63301, e-mailed to [email protected] or faxed to 636-947-7486.

Sharing Magazine Information: Sharing Magazine is published by Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support, Inc. If you would like to reprint articles/submissions from Sharing please properly cite Share and the writer by stating the name of the organization, website, magazine, volume, issue, and author in your acknowledgements. If you would like to reprint an article/ submission that is copyrighted by an author or a publishing company, you must obtain permission from the copyright holder to reprint. Email questions to [email protected].

Would you like to be removed from mailing lists? To remove bereaved parents’ names from mailing lists you can visit http://www.privacyrights.org/fs/fs4-junk.htm#MPS -ORSend a letter plus a $1 check or money order to: Mail Preference Service Direct Marketing Association PO Box 643 Carmel, NY 10512

Volume 23, Issue 5

Page 19

Upcoming Issues of

Sharing Magazine Read our most current blog posts at www.nationalshare.blogspot.com September/October 2014 Follow Share on Pinterest for ideas and information on memory making, jewelry, grief support resources, books, holiday traditions and so much more!

Stay connected on Twitter! @Share1977

We continue to expand our video library on YouTube.

Watch What’s Happening!

Get the magazine delivered directly to your inbox! In an effort to reduce our carbon footprint, we have decided to make the magazine available online. If you would like to receive a copy via email, we would be happy to add you to our mailing list. Visit www.nationalshare.org then click ‘Subscribe’ in the top right corner!

Connect on Facebook Search: Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Share offers several social communities in addition to support groups. Search: Share Bereaved Families Peer Support for general bereavement or Share Subsequent Pregnancy Peer Support if you are currently pregnant or are planning to become pregnant following the death of a baby. Please note that these are closed groups and membership must be approved by an administrator.

When Children Grieve While children may grieve just as intensely as adults, they are often called the "forgotten grievers." When their baby sibling dies, they may experience a myriad of emotions and reactions to the death. This issue will share ways families have helped their child move through his/her grief, including the difficulties. Parents are encouraged to share their children's art projects, writings and/or poems and other creative ways their children have dealt with their sibling's death. Finally, if you are a professional who works with grieving children, we would like to share any tips or words of wisdom you have to offer grieving parents. November/December 2014 Grief During the Holidays How do you honor, or plan to honor, your baby(ies) during the holidays? Will your traditions stay the same or do you plan on changing your traditions? Share your story of holiday celebration, tradition (s), or ways of healing without your baby. Submit your stories, poems and artwork to [email protected]

Find a Share Chapter Near You! For a full list of all Share Chapters across the country, please visit http://www.nationalshare.org/Groups.html.

Need Resources? Shop on Share’s online store for books, gifts, memorial keepsakes and much more! https://www.z2systems.com/np/clients/share/ giftstore.jsp

National Share Office 402 Jackson St. Charles, MO 63301 800-821-6819/Fax: 636-947-7486 www.nationalshare.org [email protected]

Volume 23, Issue 5

Page 20

Share Walk for Remembrance & Hope Share’s Walk for Remembrance and Hope offers a Creation Station for young children. Creation station is an area where children are welcome to make creative mementos. Art is a great way to help kids who are grieving and activities such as name bracelets, awareness ribbons and kid friendly memorial messages for the balloon release gives bereaved siblings the opportunity participate in the event and remembering the life of their sibling. Art therapy helps children express emotions and gives them tangible things to share their journey with others.

Walk Details: October 18, 2014 at Creve Coeur Park in St. Louis, MO. The Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope provides a beautiful ceremony and balloon release, along with a 1-mile or 4mile walk. More details to come, but begin creating a team! View the 2013 Walk video: https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=KyMI_YLUj0M Registration is now open! Visit www.nationalshare.org for more info! Volunteers Needed! Share is looking for volunteers for the annual Share Walk for Remembrance & Hope on October 18, 2014 at Creve Coeur Lake in St. Louis. If you're interested, check out the below to sign up! http://www.volunteermatch.org/search/opp1701053.jsp