http://www.help-for-shyness.com/

How To Overcome Shyness And Live The Life You Deserve

Eradicating Shyness & Anxiety from your life through behavior oriented action plans By Brett Jonson http://www.help-for-shyness.com/

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Copyright © 2007, All Rights Reserved Legal Notices I make no guarantees about the efficacy of this book. It is intended to help you overcome your anxiety and shyness by sharing with you some of the experiences and action plans that I used to overcome my own personal shyness. As a result, individual results may vary. Copyright Notice All content contained within this e-book “How To Overcome Shyness And Live The Life You Deserve” is copyright 2007 © Brett Jonson.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS Message from Author

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Introduction

7

What is Shyness?

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Points to Ponder

11

Step 1

12

Step 2

17

Step 3

25

Step 4

27

Step 5

35

Step 6

45

Step 7

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Additional Thoughts

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Author’s Message Congratulations on meeting me here in this digital format. I, like you, have suffered from extreme shyness and apprehension to social situations. In the past, I never knew quite what to say especially when meeting new people. Sometimes, I wouldn’t say hardly anything. I know that appeared intelligent. After a brief encounter, I would go home, replay the conversation in my mind and critique every reply, question or statement that I made during the conversation. I would feel like such an idiot. I could only imagine what my conversational counterpart thought of me! As a result of instances like the one described above, I slowly, over the years became more and more withdrawn. I was determined not to put myself into certain social situations. No sense letting it be known to others that I was an idiot who couldn’t talk about the most bland subjects let alone intriguing and complex subjects. Meanwhile, although I was “protecting” myself by

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not placing myself in certain social situations, I found I was more and more angry with myself because I just could not bring myself to interact with other people. It truly was a malicious cycle. It was one that I eventually had to face and do something about.

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INTRODUCTION Overcoming shyness and the anxiety that causes it, is a project that is very important to me. I have suffered from shyness nearly all of my life. Like any other disease, shyness robs you of your health, both mental and eventually physical. More importantly, it robs you of accomplishing what you want in life. I have spent the better part of my life succumbing to the paralyzing effects of shyness. However, one day, after the death of several friends and acquaintances, I made up my mind that life was too short to continue to be frightened and scared of people or what people might think. I decided then that things were going to change. The following is an action-oriented plan that will guide you through the process of overcoming your individual shyness and anxiety. You cannot just read the words and expect to be cured. Only through action can you obtain the results that you not only want but that you need. Follow this guide and watch your life change.

When all is said and done, the one sole condition that makes spiritual happiness and preserves it is the absence of doubt. - Mark Twain

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What is Shyness and why do I have it? From dictionary.com, shyness is defined as “timid, drawing back from familiarity or contact with others; retiring or reserved.” To someone who has suffered from shyness all of his life, that definition seems somewhat trivial. It doesn’t come near what shyness is to me. It seemed like so much more. But it really wasn’t. So what causes our shyness and why do we have it. It all comes from that horrible word: anxiety. Anxiety is characterized by various physical symptoms such as rapid breathing, incessant worrying, increased heartbeat and dreadful feelings and apprehension. The thing about anxiety is, we need it. We have to have it for survival. It is indeed innately human. But when anxiety comes upon us more intensely and with more prevalence it can give rise to all kinds of disorders ranging from panic to phobias and even depression. Many people like to characterize extreme shyness and other anxiety related disorders as mental illnesses but I disagree. In fact, most people who suffer from any type of anxiety related disorder is extremely aware, even painfully so, that their perception of what is happening within them is not quite right. They take extreme measures just to fit in with society and not

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commit any deviant behavior. These are intelligent people, who know that something is just not quite right.

So, how did I get this shyness? Our underlying shyness and other anxiety disorders are typically the results of life experiences that have made us fearful and unable to cope. It is not usually one single occurrence that has caused our extreme shyness but rather recurrent things such as: ridicule, being made to feel worthless, guilty or even ashamed. These feelings of guilt, worry or apprehension lie at the heart of all of the anxiety disorders. But the great news I have is, they also are the very basis for the cure. So, how do we even begin to conquer our shyness? The answer lies in understanding it and then taking action. As is the case in most things in life, from working long division problems to changing a tire, the solution lies in understanding. Once we understand what it is that is causing our extreme shyness we can work on solutions. To attempt to cure ourselves without understanding is exceptionally difficult because although our corrective actions may work initially inevitably our symptoms may appear once again. At this appearance we will

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intuitively assume that what we are doing is not the real solution and jump on to something else. So we must understand why we are doing what we do and also we must understand how and why what we do works. Through this knowledge we will obtain the power and the will to overcome any setbacks we may have.

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Points to Ponder About Curing Shyness 1) Self-Help - it’s the only way to be cured. This extreme shyness is so personal that you and only you can stop its pervasion. No one else can climb inside the neurons in your brain and alter the receptors and neurotransmitters to promote the eradication of YOUR shyness. Guidance or therapy (such as this book) can help but we must do it by ourselves. 2) Medication - I look at medication really as a band-aid. It can mask the symptoms but it will not do anything to change to cause. You can take Paxil for many years but after a multi-year course you still have not confronted or changed one thing. 3) Quick fixes - There is no such thing as a quick fix when it comes to eradicating the shyness that has engulfed our lives. It has taken years for the shyness to grow, there’s no way you can “right the ship” in one weekend. To the contrary, using any action plan will take weeks if not months to see the results. It will work, but you must take action.

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I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. - Henry David Thoreau

Step 1 - Laying The Foundation So now we have come to the nuts and bolts of our systematic plan to rid ourselves of our paralyzing shyness and anxiety. The following is a 7-step action plan that will serve to eradicate the shyness from our lives that has prohibited us from accomplishing our true, inner goals. The key word being ACTION plan. In order to derive gains we must take ACTION. Here goes. Diet It seems so elementary, yet proper diet and exercise is one of the most important building blocks to overcoming shyness and anxiety disorders. Much like building a fine home over a site with potential sinkholes, attempting to recreate our self-confidence, self-esteem and lessening our anxiety is all for naught if we don’t take care of our physical needs first. Researchers have proven that certain diets do indeed promote the eradication of anxiety and also increase our abilities to regulate certain

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stresses and anxieties. You need to ingest foods that will increase your serotonin levels thus regulating your sleep patterns. You need foods that will supply your body with energy and that do not promote lethargy and depletion of energy supplies. Furthermore, you need foods that will promote or bring calmness to your presence. Here is a snapshot of a 7-day eating plan that would be an excellent way to begin step 1 of your action plan to eradicate shyness and anxiety. Day 1 BREAKFAST 1 packet instant oatmeal with ½ cup 2% milk, 2 tablespoons wheat germ; ½ cantaloupe; coffee or tea LUNCH 1 can white tuna in water, rinsed and drained; 1 cup lettuce, 2 artichoke hearts, ½ cup tomatoes, 1 teaspoon capers, ½ cup cucumber, ½ red bell pepper, 2 tablespoons low-cal dressing; ½ cup 2% cottage cheese DINNER 4 ounces grilled chicken; 1 cup mixed greens, 2 artichoke hearts, 2 tablespoons low-cal dressing; 1 small baked potato, 1 teaspoon margarine; 1 pear Day 2 BREAKFAST 2 frozen waffles, 1 tablespoon allfruit spread; 8 ounces low-fat yogurt (any flavor); 1 medium apple; coffee or tea LUNCH Chopped salad: 1 cup lettuce, 1/3 cup chopped red cabbage, ½ cup chopped spinach, ½ cup diced cucumber, ½ red onion, sliced, 1/3 cup

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broccoli, 2 tablespoons low-cal dressing; top with ½ cup 2% cottage cheese DINNER 4 ounces grilled salmon; 8 steamed asparagus spears; 1 small baked sweet potato, 1 teaspoon margarine or grated cheese Day 3 BREAKFAST French toast: 2 slices of bread coated in ¼ cup Egg Beaters, cooked in Pam cooking spray; ¼ cup light syrup; coffee or tea LUNCH 4 ounces grilled chicken; 1 cup lettuce, 2 artichoke hearts, sliced, ½ cup chopped tomato, 2 tablespoons low-cal dressing; 8 ounces low-fat yogurt, 1 tablespoon wheat germ DINNER 5 ounces grilled halibut; ½ cup steamed broccoli, 1 tablespoon margarine; 1 cup mixed greens topped with ½ cup 2% cottage cheese; 1 nectarine or medium apple Day 4 BREAKFAST Fruit “cobbler”: Mix 1 packet instant oatmeal, ½ cup 2% milk, ¾ cup frozen blueberries, 2 tablespoons wheat germ; microwave 90 seconds. Coffee or tea LUNCH Turkey sandwich: 3 ounces sliced turkey, ½ cup chopped lettuce, ½ tomato, sliced, 1 large pita pocket, 2 tablespoons Dijon mustard; 1 nectarine DINNER Veggie burrito: 1 tortilla, ½ cup spinach, ½ cup lettuce, 1/3 cup each diced

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tomato and red onion, 2 tablespoons salsa, ½ cup shredded reduced-fat cheese; 1 orange Day 5 BREAKFAST Omelet: Mix 1 egg plus 3 egg whites, ½ cup chopped tomato, ½ cup chopped spinach; cook in Pam cooking spray. 1 English muffin, 1 teaspoon margarine, 1 tablespoon allfruit spread LUNCH 1 baked potato topped with 2 tablespoons 2% cottage cheese and 4 tablespoons salsa; 1 cup mixed greens, 2 tablespoons low-cal dressing DINNER 2 Boca burgers on 1 toasted English muffin, garnished with sliced tomato, lettuce and red onion; ½ cup 2% cottage cheese; 1 apple Day 6 BREAKFAST 2 slices bread, toasted; 1 teaspoon all-fruit spread; ½ cup 2% cottage cheese; ½ cantaloupe; coffee or tea LUNCH 1 can Healthy Choice low-fat soup; 1 large tortilla topped with ½ cup lettuce, ½ cup diced tomato, ½ cup chopped cucumber, 2 tablespoons chickpeas, 2 tablespoons low-cal dressing DINNER 4 ounces grilled beef tenderloin; 6 steamed asparagus spears, tossed with 1 teaspoon olive oil; 1 cup mixed salad greens; 2 tablespoons low-cal dressing

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Day 7 BREAKFAST 2 hard-boiled eggs; ¾ cup fresh blueberries; 8 ounces low-fat yogurt (any flavor); coffee or tea LUNCH Chef salad: 3 ounces sliced turkey, 1 cup lettuce, ½ cup chopped red cabbage, ½ cup spinach, ½ cup chopped red onion, ½ cup sliced tomato, 2 tablespoons low-cal dressing; pita bread DINNER Chicken taco: 4 ounces grilled chicken, ½ cup shredded red cabbage, 1 tortilla, ½ cup chopped red onion, 2 tablespoons salsa, ¼ cup shredded reduced-fat cheese; 1 nectarine.

There are also other products available that give you more varied and balanced diet ideas. One of the best available is “Burn The Fat” program. Chad Tackett, President and CEO of Globalfitness.com had this to say about this system,” fat loss system are on the cutting edge of science and don't miss a nutritional tip, trick, secret, or strategy in achieving amazing results. What's more, they are offered in an easy-to-understand and easy-to-follow format.”

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Step 2 - Nurturing the Physical to Heal the Mental

It has been written in medical journal after medical journal touting the benefits of exercise for both physical and mental health. So, it should be no surprise that a consistent exercise program is a cornerstone of our action plan. You get increased feelings of empowerment and self-esteem when you incorporate goal setting and goal achievement within time frames. This physical accomplishment sets the stage for our mental progress. I cannot stress the importance of setting goals and attaining them physically that works symbiotically to accomplish our erasure of shyness. The following are some examples of physical goal setting and exercise plans to accomplish stated goals. Remember to write goals down and have specific stated time frames to achieve. The first step in formulating your goals is to ask yourself, what do you want to achieve? For example, let’s say a 33-year-old male wishes to start a running regimen to lose 20 pounds and to increase his physical stamina all within 3 months. The first thing he needs to do is acquire a logbook or a PDA (palm® or Pocket PC®) program and record his stated goal and then keep personalized, dated lists of the tasks performed to accomplish this. In the example

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above, the beginning runner could log his miles per week and increase his number of miles per week by 7% each week. This would be a stated, identifiable and achievable goal to attain. Formulating a training program can be quite cumbersome, but there are many tools available to beginners that provide exceptional assistance in helping you develop a specific and proper plan. Books, periodicals and the Internet (web sites and discussion groups) are some of the most readily available resources for beginners. The Number 1 mistake in the execution of any new exercise program is to try to do too much, too quickly. I can’t relate to you the number of times in the past that I personally started a new week ready to do away with my old self only to be in so much pain and soreness by Thursday that I had to wait another 5 days before resuming my new exercise program. By the time I got to feeling like I could start taxing my body again, that “new” program didn’t feel so new anymore and I had pretty much lost interest. Remember, this new program that you have set up, should be modeled after a race but it should be a marathon and not a sprint. This is a lifestyle change, not a 100-meter sprint and its over. As you begin to become settled in your new exercise program, you will begin to see the neat, tangible results of your efforts through better stamina and weight loss just to name a couple. More importantly, you will begin to see an increase in your sense of well-being and also

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your self-esteem, which as we will find later is anxiety’s kryptonite. Your increase in selfesteem brought on by your participation in your specific exercise plan occurs for 2 reasons. Number 1, you are beginning to accomplish goals that you specifically set and are keeping in your log. This affirms to you that you can indeed accomplish a stated goal. Additionally, through your exercise you are, on a daily basis, increasing the strength, both physical and mental, to get you through the daily grind of your program. You will also feel the need not to miss your workouts because you will feel that this would be letting yourself down and thus impeding the attainment of your stated goals. That is good because it is at this moment that your person is holding itself responsible and accountable for the actions and behaviors that are not congruent with stated goals and objectives. So, keep up the exercise program and notice how the foundation is being laid for our successful operation of eradicating anxiety and shyness from our lives. I’ve listed below a couple of example exercise programs that can get you started either on a resistance-training program or a running program.

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Week 1, Workout 1

Muscle Group

EXERCISE NAME

SET REPS

1 LBS

SET 2 REPS

CHEST

Dumbbell Bench Press

15

15

SHOULDERS

Military Press

15

12

TRAPEZIUS

Shrugs

15

12

TRICEPS

Dumbbell Kickbacks

15

12

ABDOMINALS Crunches Fatigue

LBS

Fatigue

Week 1, Workout 2

Muscle Group

Quadriceps

CALVES

SET

1

SET 2

EXERCISE NAME

REPS

Leg Press

15

12

Dumbbell Squats

12

12

Leg Extension

12

12

Standing Calf

20

20

LBS

REPS

LBS

20

Raises

BACK

FOREARMS

Lat. Machine Pulldown Behind Neck

15

12

Dumbbell Rows

12

12

Wrist Curls

20

20

ABDOMINALS Crunches Fatigue

Fatigue

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Or here is a training running chart:

Weekly Mileage Log Week# Sun. Mon. Tue. Wed. Thu. Fri. Sat. Total 1 4 Rest 3 Rest 4 Rest 3 14 2 4 Rest 4 Rest 4 Rest 3 15 3 5 Rest 4 Rest 4 Rest 3 16 4 3 Rest 3 Rest 3 Rest 3 12 5 5 Rest 3 3 3 Rest 3 17 6 6 Rest 3 3 3 Rest 3 18 7 6 Rest 3 4 3 Rest 4 20 8 3 Rest 4 Rest 3 Rest 3 13 9 7 Rest 3 5 4 Rest 3 22 10 7 Rest 4 5 4 Rest 4 24 11 8 Rest 4 6 4 Rest 4 26 12 4 Rest 3 Rest 4 Rest 4 15 13 8 Rest 5 6 5 Rest 4 28 14 9 Rest 5 5 6 Rest 4 30 15 9 Rest 5 7 6 Rest 5 32 16 5 Rest 4 Rest 4 Rest 4 17 17 10 Rest 6 8 6 Rest 4 34 18 10 Rest 6 8 7 Rest 4 35 19 6 Rest 4 Rest 5 Rest 4 19

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Again, these are only suggestions of easy to follow programs to begin to heal and strengthen the physical body. Of course there are other programs which are more scientific and could produce results that are more noticeable and in a quicker manner. I have listed below links to 2 programs which have produced results for hundreds of people.

2)

1) Turbulence Training The Truth About Building Muscle

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Step 3 - Gaining Control

That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do: not that the nature of the thing itself is changed, but that our power to do is increased. - Ralph Waldo Emerson Per dictionary.com, the word control means, “to exercise a dominating influence over, to hold in restraint.” Gaining control over our emotions, especially the negative ones is one of the primary steps to overcoming our anxiety and shyness. But first we must understand why we have this anxiety and shyness. It all derives from fear. We have fear (a negative emotion) when we experience uncertainty, either about a person, an experience or even a pending event. Fear develops because we believe that we have an inability to control a situation we will be placed in. But notice that it is our perception, that we believe we cannot control the situation. So we must change our perception in order to begin to gain control. The following is a list of 3 steps needed to gain control of our anxiety and shyness: 1) Acknowledge it - You’ve already done this by stepping up to the plate and searching for help. You already understand that your shyness is impeding your life. 2) Stand up to it - Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote, “You cannot run away from

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weakness; you must sometime fight it out or perish; and if that be so, why not now and where you stand?” Who wants to perish? Let’s get on and fight it.” 3) Develop problem-solving strategies -to overcome that which is limiting our growth, in our case anxiety and shyness.

So, now that we know the steps to gaining control, just how do we begin to alter our psyche in order to change our perceptions?

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Step 4 - Change

Things do not change; we change. - Henry David Thoreau “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you’re right.” - Henry Ford

The experiences that occur in our daily lives, the events, the way we perceive them, they are all determined by the results of the belief system that we each individually possess. We develop our belief system from an early age. Various experiences, some good, some bad and even some indifferent all play a role in how our belief system is molded and developed. Our mind processes these experiences (and the big thing is it is our perception of these experiences) and forms judgments based on the feelings we have about our experiences from the past. This system of beliefs controls to the present day how we live our lives and more importantly how we perceive our lives and the people and experiences in them. So, in order to attempt to change our beliefs or perceptions about ourselves we must first attempt to change our belief systems. Sounds easy right. Wrong! You see this monster we’ve created has been processing information since you were a teeny tiny baby. It is ingrained into our being. You can’t turn it around, do a 180 at the snap of your fingers.

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You must first examine your belief system, which generally poses some problems. Investigating our Belief System There are basically 2 reasons why, when we investigate our current belief system that we feel uncomfortable: 1)

2)

It is a disruption to our current everyday lives. Even though we know that our shyness and anxiety is crippling our true selves, we are actually comfortable in this. We structure our lives to avoid anything or anyone who may disrupt our comfort zone. Upon examining our belief system we are sure to realize there are other beliefs that are not congruent to making the changes we need to make in order to rid ourselves of our anxiety and shyness. This can lead us to question that we really are as a person. Just remember that the progress that we’re making is building a new foundation and it is carving out new niches in our belief system. It’s really hard to know where to look and when we do it hurts. The beliefs that run our everyday lives, some of them are buried in our subconscious. They are the result of some painful experience (or at least we perceived

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and thought it to be painful) that occurred early in life. Investigating these beliefs only serves to uproot that painful experience and that gives us an uneasy feeling.

So how can we change our beliefs? 1. OBSERVATION The first thing to do if you want to change your belief system is to take stock of where you are currently. You must force yourself to be objective and evaluate the decisions you’ve made based upon your old belief system. You must derive the answers to a myriad of questions about your life. This can range from personal assessments such as - How are your personal relationships within your life? Who is involved in your life? What role do they have? Are they associated with your goals and objectives or with your purpose in life or have you let them become a deterrent to your life’s purpose? Professionally speaking, do you feel as if you have enough money? Are you working in a particular job that enhances your particular skills and strengths or do you muddle through each and every day of work drudgery? If this is the case you have to ask yourself why do you think you are in this situation? What component of your old belief system has allowed this to

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happen? It is imperative that we take the time specifically identify the components of our old belief system that has created the life we currently have. It cannot be debated that our belief system creates our feelings of negativity, minimal feelings of self worth and even our perception that perhaps we are not quite as “worth” as others. These feelings all manifest themselves as shyness and other anxiety disorders. It might be helpful to make a list of your negative beliefs so that you will know exactly what you are up against. Your list may look like the following:  There’s no way I can speak in front of a crowd or group, I’d never have anything interesting to say. They’d probably think I was stupid or I’d make a fool out of myself.  I am not smart enough to become a manager of people in the workplace.

Notice that with each belief there is an underlying feeling of negative self-worth, feelings of not good enough, feelings that you are not like others who are “successful.” All of these beliefs we have lead us into the activities that shape our lives. They directly steer us into being more and more withdrawn. They truly

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increase the shyness and anxiety each and every day that we allow them to. Inaction against these beliefs is the epitome of “digging your own grave.” Which is why we must perform step 2:

2. SET A DEFINABLE GOAL This particular exercise is indeed one of the most powerful steps in eradicating our shyness and anxiety. We are finally at a point where we have decided to take action against the beliefs that are causing us to be withdrawn and feel not worthy. But remember that when you set a definable goal you are setting parameters around that goal which can be specifically met and then measured for success. The following is a sample list of definable goals:  I will lose 15 pounds in 6 weeks time.  I will attend a toastmaster’s club meeting by the second week of October.  I will sign up for an activity that is out of my “comfort zone” within the next 2 weeks. These are all just examples of goals that are specific and the measurement of success in attaining these goals is easily identifiable. After we have observed our belief system and the beliefs within it that have contributed to our shyness and anxiety and we have set new definable goals to try and eradicate the shyness

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and anxiety we must at some point do something with our old beliefs, the ones that have been residing within us and controlling our lives and activities for years. So what do we do? Well, here’s step 3:

3. LETTING GO

This is perhaps the hardest part of developing our new belief system and attitudes. It is so hard after so many years of constant selfdegradation and the belief that you can’t do something to finally convince yourself that you do possess the ability and can in fact perform. Through my personal experience I have found that affirmations and true intentions have worked well for me. I know that affirmations have kind of gotten a bad rap with all of the new age stuff that is out there now, and with good reason. It almost seems ludicrous to think that you can just tell yourself something and it will be. I mean you can’t say, “I can dunk a basketball” and then go out to the basketball court and do it if you don’t have tremendous athletic ability and vertical leap. But, I use more manageable affirmations that aren’t quite as corny as maybe some of the ones you have seen before. Remember, you have your belief system; the one that has directly led you into your life of withdrawnness, shyness

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and increased anxiety was first started by an experience that you felt made you inferior in a particular situation. Since that experience, you have told yourself (an affirmation, albeit a negative one) that you can’t do this or you wouldn’t be good at that or there’s no way I can do that because I would look stupid. The only way to change that belief; is to uproot that belief (i.e. let it go) form a new belief through a positive affirmation and then enact behaviors to solidify the new belief. There is no other way. Which leads me to step 4:

4. ENACT BEHAVIORS THAT SOLIDIFY A NEW BELIEF So, now that we have identified our beliefs that have allowed our shyness and anxiety to blossom and we have attempted to replace these with new beliefs that will rid ourselves of our anxiety and shyness we must somehow make these new beliefs “stick.” Well, how do we do that? I like to make the example of the tennis player who can never get his first serve in successfully. He keeps tossing the ball the same height, time after time, using the same mechanical swing, time after time and each time he hits the tennis ball it careens into the net. Time after time, over and over, first serve into the net. He will keep hitting the ball into the net unless 1 of 2 things change, either his toss is altered or his swing is altered.

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Other than the alteration of those 2 actions, his success of a successful first serve is left to a whimsical chance. So it is with changing our beliefs and actually incorporating our more positive and accommodating beliefs into our lives. The only way to do this is by performing actions that reinforce and solidify the new beliefs we have adopted. There is no way that we can replace our old belief that “we can’t possibly speak in front of others because we don’t know anything and we will sound stupid” with a new belief of “I can talk intelligently and be informative in front of a group of people” just by telling ourselves mentally that we can in fact be this way. It is not that simple, we must incorporate actions and behaviors to solidify these new beliefs. 2 Chapters from now I will unleash some ideas on you that will force you to change your current behaviors that foster your shyness and anxiety.

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Step 5 - Standing Up & Facing Your Individual Fears

Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain. -Ralph Waldo Emerson I once heard the legendary speaker, motivator, Entertainer known as Gil Eagles make the following statement: “If you want to be successful, you must be willing to be uncomfortable.” Upon first hearing it, my first thought was, “What the heck is he talking about.” I’ve seen successful people. Every one I had ever seen was quite the antithesis, they were in fact the most comfortable people I had ever seen. They were confident, smooth and at ease with their surroundings and their abilities. So what in the world was he talking about, being uncomfortable. However after thinking critically about that statement, I came to the conclusion that he was right! All of the people who seemed so intelligent, so confident in their abilities didn’t just come out of the womb with that gracefulness. No, in fact they are the very people who have submitted themselves to uncomfortable circumstances and

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situations. They are the ones who broke free from their comfort zones and by doing this developed their potential. Sounds like a simple plan, doesn’t it? It’s not. I know at least for me, someone who spent the first 31 years of his life basically running away from his fears that being in “uncomfortable” situations was never my modus operandi. I was perhaps the least inactive person with respect to community involvement, workplace involvement etc. that there ever has been. I’ll put it out there, I ran. I don’t know exactly why but I just did. So, without hesitation I can say that if you show me a successful person, I’ll show you someone who confronts his or her fears and more importantly, takes action! Examining Our Fears Have you ever been afraid or anxious before trying a new or challenging activity? Has that fear ever stopped you from participating in that activity? It has me. And you know why? I was afraid. Full of fear. Afraid I would look stupid or be considered by others to be ignorant of goofy or whatever. Now, these fears that we have are funny things. Each individual possesses unique fear thresholds. For some, the fear of speaking in public is more paralyzing than the fear of death. For others, like us shy people, asking someone out on a date or being confrontational with a VP at work is the

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most uncomfortable thing we could possibly imagine doing. Others might not join an aerobics class because they may fear that they might not be able to perform the exercises and be laughed at. Our fears are simply those beliefs that limit and inhibit our personal and professional growth.

BEING OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE When I was gripped by my shyness and anxiety I was pretty much inside my own shell. I had my little routine that I followed and any interruption was deemed a paramount problem. Each of us has our own little routine or comfort zone, a zone of behavior that is familiar to us and where we feel comfortable and safe. Think of your comfort zone as a box:

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Any new or challenging activity

your routine orroutine comforttasks Your zone zone or comfort

The things inside the box (your routine, comfort zone) are in fact routine things you do day in day out that cause little or no anxiety. This could be an activity like completing a solo task at work without input from anyone else. Whatever reinforces our shyness. Now, you occasionally will have the opportunity (notice I say opportunity) to take on challenges that are outside your comfort zone. This could be volunteering for a new project at work or volunteering sit on a new committee. Of course if you do this it will require 1) something new and 2) you’ll have to interact with others. When faced with a challenge outside your comfort zone, you suddenly feel nervous or inept and ultimately ask questions like these of yourself:

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“Will I be able to handle it? “Will my co-workers think I’m dumb?” “What will my friends or family think?” Think about any activities or challenges that were outside of your routine and have presented themselves to you over the last couple of months. If you think real hard you’ll probably recall quite a few. The question is why didn’t we partake?

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The “Benefit” Of Not Confronting Your Fears When confronted with an anxiety-producing event, most people will retreat to avoid the fear and anxiety. That’s what I used to do. You see, backing away does relieve the fear and anxiety that would have resulted if you followed through with the activity. For example, suppose someone asks you speak to a group within your company, and you pass on it. You do protect yourself from the nervousness and anxiety that would have inevitably come with preparation for the presentation. But, you know what I’ve found? That is the 1 and only benefit I’ve found of avoiding your fears, a fleeting avoidance of the anxiety. But as you all know, there is a price to pay for this avoidance and cowardice.

Now, I want you to seriously consider the price you pay when you back away from those fears that are standing in the way of your growth. Here’s what happens:  You self-esteem is further reduced  You feel like a coward  You are angry with yourself because you backed down  On top of the previous 3 your life is kind of boring

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So, I guess the question you must ask yourself, and I posed the question to myself, “Is it worth the momentary avoidance of anxiety to continue in the downward spiral?” I have come to the conclusion that you can never eradicate your fears, whether it is shyness, arachnophobia or acrophobia until you confront those fears and not retreat. MY NEW LIFE I look back on my first 31 years of life and basically I am really regretful. I feel like I missed out on a lot. I simply do not know where some of the opportunities and challenges would have taken me had I not been so shy and insecure and thus not acted on them. I am also regretful because not only did my personal and professional development suffer; my inability to confront my contorted belief system and confront my fears prohibited me from dutifully serving my community. So, what basically turned my life around and really created my new life that I have now is my action to confront my fears. Of course, I wouldn’t have confronted my fears if I hadn’t first changed my belief system through the steps outlined earlier. It is imperative that we change the system that promotes and enables our fears to overcome us and scare us from taking on new challenges.

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Packing a new belief system, I decided to become a participant in life and its never-ending challenges, even though I was petrified. But you know what, I felt so much better about myself, so much more proud of myself for taking control of my life, confronting my shyness that any amount of fear that I still had was much more manageable and certainly didn’t control my life anymore. LOOKING AT THE SITUATION THROUGH DIFFERENT GLASSES

At first glance and observation, I, probably like you thought that accepting new challenges with my fears of shyness and anxiety etc… was pretty much not doable. In my mind there was no way I could even attempt to do things outside of my routine. What I tell people now is to forget how you used to be. Forget how you formerly perceived yourself and even more importantly how you perceived certain situations and challenges. I cannot stress enough the importance of now viewing things through a “different pair of glasses.” As with changing our erroneous belief systems we must now look at the challenges outside of our comfort zone in a totally different way. Sure, under our old belief system there was no way we could speak to the local rotary club or even go to an elementary school and make a presentation.

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However, now you need to perceive things differently because you are different, you are not the old, shy, withdrawn hermit anymore. You my friend are changing!

Just Do It At the beginning of this section I included a quotation from Ralph Waldo Emerson, which stated, “Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain.” This is one of those quotes that if you follow it can radically change your life. It is succinct and it certainly makes sense. However, most people just cannot bring themselves to confront their fears. But we have to confront our fears. I can tell you from personal experience, anything but confronting them is certainly a losing proposition. The great thing about confronting your fears and taking action is the benefits received. I have never met one person who after confronting their fears told me that they wished they hadn’t. More times than not, like me, most people are only regretful of the years they lost running away and the missed and unknown opportunities lost by running away. I think it so important to remind yourself that with each time that you don’t confront your fears

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it is indeed an opportunity lost. Please don’t let you dreams die under the weight of your fears.

So confront your fears. Take on new challenges and make your comfort zone go from this: Comfort Zone

To This:

Comfort Zone

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Step 6 - Action Exercises

So, here we are finally, to some action exercises that I will guarantee you will help in overcoming your shyness and resulting anxiety. Use these exercises, as crazy as they may seem, after stabilizing your physical and mental faculties, establishing a new belief system and finally confronting your fears. These exercises will help in the confrontation of your fears. Remember, these are action plans so you must perform them. Here goes:

1) Meditate - Perform meditation at least 2 times a day. When meditating recite affirmations. Affirmations are intended to affirm something not suggest it. Always state, “I am” rather than “I hope to” or “maybe I will” etc…. It is truly the power of positive thinking, but it works. Remember to BELIEVE in your affirmations. Practice and repetition of affirmations will decrease the negative noise in your mind and foster an environment for new, positive growth. The following are a couple logical websites (not “out-there” bull) that

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explain meditation and provide some positive affirmations. A) Success Consciousness B) Meditation/Hypnosis To Change Your Life C) Affirmware – Sculptor 3

2) Take a public speaking class - Local community colleges may offer these. Continuing Education Departments at a Technical College may offer these or you can take any fundamentals of speech class at a local college. The 2 great things about a beginning speech class are: 1) Everyone in the class is new to public speaking and are just as petrified as you 2) You will receive great instruction on how to prepare a speech which gives you control because you understand what you are doing and how to perform it. Here is a link from yahoo that will direct you to colleges for a specific geographic region: College Directory

3) Join a local Toastmasters International Club - Though you may have to drive 30-45 minutes, it will be well worth it. If you are not familiar

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with what Toastmasters is, here is the link to the website: Toastmasters. Go to “Find a club” and you can select your state or an adjoining state. If you prefer to call them and have them mail you some information here is the contact number: (800) 993-773 4) Call 3 classified ads in the Sunday newspaper and ask the person who placed the advertisement questions about their vehicle, house or boat that they’re selling. Ask them about the condition of the item. Perhaps ask why they are selling the item. If there is a price listed in the ad, ask them if that price is negotiable and by how much. The last question may entice them to get a little snippy but that’s ok. Remember, you are entitled and you are just as good as anyone. Who cares what they think, you are just trying to ascertain information that is pertinent to accomplishing your goals. Don’t be intimidated. If they get too snippy tell them any further investigation is not worth YOUR trouble and end it. Then move on to the next ad. This is a very productive activity.

5) Call investor relations at a company and ask them some of the questions I’ve listed below. I’ll also provide you a list of companies and their investor relations contact numbers. This will give you a feel for communicating with someone who

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is not in your area of expertise but they’ll never know that. Just begin the conversation by telling them a friend had mentioned investing in their company but that you wanted to get a feel for the company by calling them. This statement alone will get them on their toes. This is a very empowering exercise. Here’s a sample list of questions you could ask: 1. How many customers does your company have? 2. How many employees does your company have? 3. What is the revenue split between the different business areas? 4. Where is your company’s home market? 5. Where is your company’s emerging market? 6. What was the total shareholder return in 2006? 7. On what stock exchanges is the your company shares listed? 8. When was the last major capital increase? And by what number of shares? 9. Who are the largest shareholders of your company? 10. How many shareholders does your company have? 11. What is the free float of shares? 12. When will your company release its next quarterly results? 13. When and where will the next Annual General Meeting (AGM) take place? 14. Does your company pay a dividend to shareholders?

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15. What is the dividend policy of your company? 16. What are your company’s current debt ratings? 17. What is your company’s fiscal year and corresponding financial result dates? 18. Who are your company’s independent accountants? 19. What is your Company’s stock symbol (ticker)? 20. Are there any current outstanding SEC investigations against your company?

And here are a couple of companies and contact numbers of investor relations: Lincoln Financial Group Lincoln National Corporation Centre Square, West Tower 1500 Market St., Suite 3900 Philadelphia, PA 19102-2112 215 448-1400 Investor Relations Website: http://www.lfg.com/LincolnPageServer?LFGPage =/lfg/ipc/abt/frp/fic/index.html

BB&T Bank P.O. Box 1290 Winston Salem, NC 27104 Investor Relations Phone: 336-733-3058 & 336-

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733-3028 Website: http://www.bbt.com/bbt/about/investorrelations/ default.html

6) Go to a flea market or trade day and approach at least 3 vendors about a product. Decide on at least 3 questions you will ask them about the product and finally haggle with them about the price. If you want the product buy it, but I would suggest just walking away even if you like the item. Remember, you are in control of the interaction.

7) Send an entree back in a restaurant, even if there is nothing wrong with it. Just tell them it isn’t satisfactory and request another entrée. Don’t be a boob about it just be what I call cordially assertive and firm.

8) Go to an open house that is listed in your local Sunday paper and don’t just sneak in and out. Chitchat with realtor. Ask at least 10 questions about the house to get the ball rolling. Then perhaps move into a discussion about the

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real estate market of your geographical area or some particular neighborhoods in your area. Remember you control the situation don’t let anyone or anything control you.

9) Go to a sporting event and buy tickets from a scalper. Don’t buy them from the first 3 you encounter. Reject them. Remember, you are in control. They’ll try to intimidate you by making snide comments about how you’re wanting “something for free” or “you want me to give them away” or “you’ll never find that today, it’s a sellout.” Don’t worry about what they think; they sure aren’t worried about you. Remember it is your interaction and negotiation with these “vendors” that is eliminating your shyness and anxiety and also the need to be liked or thought well of by others who really don’t even know you. Don’t be mean or be a wise guy, just be assertive and firm. You’ll glean a lot from this exercise.

10) Call an insurance company and request an interview for an agent position. I’ve listed some of the major companies and their websites below. A few of them will certainly oblige you as they are always looking for a “diamond in the rough” sales agent. It really doesn’t matter if you want to sell insurance or not. This exercise is all about developing your confidence and self-esteem and

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stepping outside your comfort zone while doing it. Insurance Companies and their websites Aflac Allstate State Farm Insurance Farmer’s Insurance Aetna Assurant Cotton States Insurance Farm Bureau Prudential Nationwide Insurance Progressive

11) Volunteer for a local community program. There are thousands of programs in your area that you can volunteer only a couple of hours per month. (Ex: United Way, Habitat for Humanity, Boys and Girls Club just to name a few). But during these hours, not only will you receive the satisfaction of helping those in need you will also be working with others and making contacts that could offer you new and exciting challenges. 12) The next time people in your office go out for drinks or dinner or whatever after work, GO. If you’re like I used to be, you can come up with an excuse not to go in .5 seconds. Scrap that, just GO. Confront your fears and just go.

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*These are just 12 examples of some exercises that you can do to attack your shyness through behavior therapy plans. After working through these 12, you’ll probably think of quite a few more that would be taxing but beneficial to your plan.

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Step 7 - Perseverance & Picking Yourself Up Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, now we are at the end of our action plan to eradicate the shyness and anxiety from our lives. Know that in keeping with this physical and mental plan that you will incur setbacks. There will be days when it seems like any progress that has ever been accomplished is gone, out the window like the breeze. There will be times when you will want to just go home and sit, withdrawing from everything and everyone. It is at these moments that we must pick ourselves up, gird our loins and dig deep to remember what we have devoted ourselves to accomplish. Remember out with the old and up with the new. When I have days filled with setbacks, I always like to think of my quest to rid myself of my shyness to that of a rock climber. You know a rock climber can’t climb a summit in one giant step. It takes many small yet calculated steps to finally reach the summit. What’s more, after

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reaching the summit, the experienced rock climber looks around, surveys the scene, embraces it for a moment and then starts thinking about the next summit to scale. That’s how I try to model my plan, small-calculated steps. Take care of my body, take care of my mind. Observe my beliefs that have caused my shyness. Form new beliefs that promote the eradication of my shyness and then perform consistent behaviors that do not allow me to go into my old small shell of a comfort zone. Remember accepting new challenges makes our comfort zone larger. I’m going to leave you with a quote from the Bible speaking of perseverance and a short poem by an unknown author. I hope you have enjoyed this ebook and more importantly I pray that it will help you to overcome your personal shyness so that you can accomplish your goals in life.

Rejoice in the Trials of Life Theme Verse: “Consider it pure joy whenever you face

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Trials...””because the testing of your faith develops perseverance” (James 1:2-3)

I CAN Can’t is a word that is foe to ambition; An enemy ambush to shatter your will. It’s prey forever to a man with a mission; And bows only to courage, and patience, and skill. So hate it with hatred that’s deep and undying, For once it is welcomed twill break any man. And whatever the goal you are seeking, Keep trying! And answer this demon by saying, “I Can!” Author Unknown

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Additional Thoughts What you’ve just read is the plan that I used to overcome and eradicate shyness in my life. As I stated earlier, I truly regret losing so many years to the shyness that literally prohibited me from living the life I truly wanted, the life I felt like I deserved. Keep in mind, that this guide is only a beginning. To continue to improve and to stave off the shyness from entering back into your life, I recommend following up this program with other programs that are researched and written by other professionals. Below are some links to others programs that I recommend.

Programs for Making Great Conversation and Improving Communication Skills

How To Make Great Conversation and Small Talk

Programs for Establishing Rapport, Approaching The Opposite Sex and Dating The Art of The Approach How To Talk To Men/Women The Art of Conversation With A Woman

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How To Make Effortless Small Talk

Thanks for reading and I wish you much success on eradicating the shyness from your life. I can’t wait for you to experience life “on the other side” of shyness.

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