Coaching Skills for Managers Online Training Programme Part Two: Using Coaching to Maximise Performance Participants Manual Listening and Feedback Developed by

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The 6 Levels of Listening Level

Activity of listener Listening to ‘argue’

1

Making judgements about what the other person is saying, the listener is thinking, “do I agree or disagree with what this person is saying.” The listener is getting ready to interrupt and put their views across! Listening to ‘think about your next question’

2

Not really listening to what the person is saying. The listener is thinking, “what question should I ask next.” The listener is thinking about the correct ‘formula’ they should be following. Listening to ‘demonstrate you are listening’

3

4

5

6

Effect on person being listened to: Doesn’t feel listened to and doesn’t feel heard or understood - and possibly might even feel undermined.

Doesn’t feel listened to and doesn’t feel heard or understood – and possibly might feel the listener is following some sort of training manual!

Starting to feel that the listener is interested in what is Using eye contact and positive body language to being said – but this feeling demonstrate you are a good listener. will quickly disappear if there is no evidence that the The listeners desire to ‘look like a good listener’ is listener has really heard and distracting them from effective listening. understood what was said. Listening ‘actively’ Feels listened to and understood – feeling that the Using eye contact, positive body language and accurately listener is genuinely interested reflecting back what the other person is saying. in what is being said. Listening to ‘understand’ Feels very understood, feels that the listener is interested Using eye contact, positive body language and accurately in what is being said and ‘gets reflecting back what the other person is saying. Mirroring them’ and what it’s like to be and matching their body language, matching their in their position. metaphors and representational systems. Listening to ‘help the speaker to understand The enhanced quality and themselves’ clarity of thinking that is generated creates significant Using eye contact, positive body language and accurately insights and ‘light-bulb’ reflecting back what the other person is saying. Mirroring moments. and matching their body language, matching their metaphors and representational systems – plus using Feelings of being listened to your own self-awareness and intuition to connect more and understood at a very fully with what the person has said and to accurately deep level. reflect thoughts, feelings and observations.

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How to be a better listener Active listening is a key communication skill and vital in the coaching process. As a coach/mentor you have to WANT to listen. Active listening means withholding judgement about what is being said. It is important to concentrate on receiving the message without attempting to react to it. Listening is the ultimate compliment, because if I listen to you – not just hear you – then I am doing you the favour of trying on your ideas. That is a very generous and complimentary thing to do. Everyone has a deep-rooted need to feel listened to and understood. No one goes to work saying “I can’t wait to be misunderstood today!” Dispute resolution bodies (e.g. ACAS and Relate) state that in most cases a party to the dispute will, at some point, state the problem as - “they don’t understand me!” One of the most important points of all is that part of listening is really proving that you have listened. “I heard what you said, now I’m going to tell you what I heard you say” establishes whether listening has occurred. This is NOT reacting or making judgements on what is said. So the good listener is the person who doesn’t just work at it, but who shows some evidence that the job has been done - the person who says things like: “Let me check that I’ve got that right, are you saying …….. “What I heard you say was…………… is that correct” “Have I understood that correctly? The motto of the good listener is “Receive before you react”. Finally, become aware of your ‘triggers’. These can be words, tone, faces – anything you have ‘anchored’ a feeling to. Most of us are aware that we have ‘anchored’ certain feelings to particular pieces of music. We are less aware of our other anchors that can cause a kind of emotional deafness by involving us in the exercise of our own private thoughts and prejudices – which stops us listening. Activity Can you identify your own triggers?

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Guidelines for giving and receiving feedback With some easy to follow guidelines, feedback need not be daunting, and can become a very positive and motivating factor in relationships with others. Feedback informs the individual about how well they doing. It is not just a statement of actual results, but a comparison of performance against expected results. It should indicate the relative degree of success, not just whether or not the individual did a task correctly.

Ground-rules for feedback

“Feedback should be of benefit to the receiver – not release for the giver”

Giving feedback Be timely. Give your feedback as soon as possible after the event. Be specific. Describe specific behaviours or areas of performance, particularly those they should keep and those they should change. Ask for their evaluation of the performance. Be descriptive, not judgmental. Describe the performance (that is either effective or ineffective). Praise and criticise the act, not the person. Own your own feedback. Speak for yourself, not for others.

Receiving feedback Ask for it. Ask the person to be specific and descriptive. Ask for plenty of examples. Direct it. If you need information or answer to a question, ask for it. Tell the person what your goals are and the kind of feedback that will be particularly helpful. Accept it. Do not defend or justify your behaviour. If you disagree and it is an important point, ask for further examples. If you still disagree, ask “Why?” Use what is helpful – discard the rest.

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Giving Performance Feedback Feedback is a vital component of coaching in management. Negative feedback is more of a difficult task than positive feedback. Being tactful and having consideration while conveying your point to another person are key skills in learning how to give feedback. Whilst it is difficult to create a feedback process that is ‘ideal’ for every situation, the OSCAR model does provide a ‘conversational foundation’ where giving feedback is a natural part of the process: 1) Think about the situation. Take time to think and gather your thoughts before giving feedback, otherwise you may not be able to fully clarify your desired outcome to the other person. Get an idea in your mind of exactly what you want to say and plan how you will say it. If you criticise in a way that creates ‘emotional deafness’, the person may never know how you feel - so be prepared. 2) Describe to the other person the situation, as you see it. If your feedback is concerning something that another person did or did not do, be precise in your description. State the facts of the matter and also what your view is on the issue. If you communicate your outcomes clearly, the other person will gain an understanding of what it is that you want to accomplish. 3) Ask for their view of the situation. After you have clearly stated your opinion, let them tell you what their own understanding was of what was asked of them. Before you say too much, let them first explain themselves. Actively listen and demonstrate through reflection that you understand their viewpoint. 4) Reach a mutual understanding. When you have heard the other person's explanation of a particular situation, go over it with them stating the reason that there was a misunderstanding. 5) Resolve the situation by developing an action plan. Agree a timeline that needs to be observed and a date when you will get together and review how the action plan is progressing. You could even put the expectations down in writing and create a performance wheel to enhance clarity. 6) Follow up and review at the agreed time. Make sure that the situation is resolved, or making good progress towards resolution. Even if you know that the problem had been corrected after having the feedback discussion, it is still important to review. By following up on the feedback you give, you let the person know that they are trusted – and that you value and appreciate the efforts they have made.

‘90% of conflict is caused by misaligned expectations’ Source: Conflict Resolution Network Best Practice: Using a coaching style reduces conflict by creating clarity, clear outcomes and aligned expectations, clear action plans and an ongoing process of feedback, reflection and review.

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Examples of Performance Review Narratives: BAD:

Always does high quality work.

GOOD:

She formats the correspondence so it is readable, finds misspelled words and makes helpful suggestions to me on how the correspondence can be improved.

BAD:

Can always be counted on to manage projects well.

GOOD:

On her three main projects this year, x, y and z, she communicated goals, revisions and progress checks to others involved in the projects, and coordinated their assignments so that the projects were completed within budget and ahead of schedule.

BAD:

Has excellent people skills in explaining information to the public.

GOOD:

This year, six different customers have complimented his ability to take time to explain complex information thoroughly. In addition, I have noticed his ability to listen to and understand the other person’s needs, and to answer specific questions, as well as taking the time to verify the other person understands his presentation of the information.

BAD:

He is not a team player. Sometimes his mood affects his working relationship.

GOOD:

He has gotten into arguments with co-workers on four different occasions this year. On several occasions, he has also refused to participate in team meetings or work discussions, when his input was needed to plan or complete a project.

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Using Clean Feedback Giving feedback to the coachee is a core component of the coaching process. The standard format for giving feedback is: Step One: Tell them what they did that worked well e.g. That was really positive, I liked the way you weren’t afraid to explore the issue in more depth and to take ownership of moving forward. Step Two: Tell them what in your opinion didn’t work so well e.g. I think it would have been a more effective session if you’d been a bit more willing to explore your own emotions around the issues. Step Three: Make a suggestion about how you’d prefer them to do it next time e.g. Moving forward I’d like to see you really explore your own beliefs and emotions and the impact that they may have on the other person and the situation. The difference with Clean Feedback is that at each step of the process, the person giving the feedback has to separate the objective facts from their own personal response to them. For example, instead of saying to a colleague after their presentation, “That was great, you looked really confident,” you have to ask yourself what exactly you saw and heard that gave you that impression – perhaps their upright posture, or their steady tone of voice when answering a difficult question. Once you’ve stated, as objectively as possible, what they did, you explain what that meant to you, why you thought it did or didn’t work. Here you can be as subjective as you like; it’s your interpretation and this part of the process allows you to own it. When people take the trouble to separate objective actions from their own personal responses, something important happens. If you’re receiving the feedback, you realise that what at first seemed like an obvious truth is actually just your own opinion. For example, when an interviewee enters the room in a particularly jaunty way, to you it might mean that they are enthusiastic, to one of your colleagues it means they’re arrogant; to another it’s just a sign of nerves. Clean Feedback helps brings these differences to the surface. And if you are on the receiving end of the feedback it not only makes it a lot easier to take on board, but also teaches you how each of your colleagues responds to you in their own individual way. Ref: ILM Edge Magazine November 2008 The Clean Feedback model was developed by Caitlin Walker and Nancy Doyle and is based on David Grove’s work on Clean Language which is covered in Concepts of Coaching

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Having Authentic Conversations Making ‘I’ Statements When you are in a situation where you need to give clean, clear feedback to someone about their behaviour and/or attitude, the impact it’s having on you and others that is the time to make an ‘I’ statement. The purpose of an ‘I’ statement is to make a clear, clean statement of your experience of the person’s behaviour/attitude in a way that another person will hear and not need to defend: For example:

When …………(neutral, specific description) I feel ……… (no blame) Because I …… or And what I’d like is ………

The when is followed by a neutral and objective description of the event or another’s behaviour and must NOT have in it any emotive words. Ie. any words that imply judgement or evaluation or which may provoke a defensive response or any possibility of denial by the other person. It must simply be a statement of fact. The I feel part must use a word or a few words which describe exactly the feeling response of the person making the I statement. It can often take time to get this labelled correctly, keep trying for feeling words until you find what suits you. Often it will be feelings like: angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, pressured, diminished, hurt etc. Sometimes people need to describe how they want to act, eg: “I feel like withdrawing, screaming, walking out etc”. The important qualities are that the feeling is owned by the person making the statement and implies no blaming or shaming of the other person. The third part of the statement can look at why the person making the statement feels that way and/or (depending on the nature of the situation) the outcome or change desired. Here the “no expectations” is important. It is OK to state what you feel you need, but it is NOT OK to expect the other will do that. That has to be left open. Like any new learning, this format may seem stilted or too structured. It is a question of practising it until you become skilled and then you can find your own more ‘natural’ way of achieving this.

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Example of a “Clean” ‘I’ Statement: When you start talking before I finish my sentence I feel put down and insignificant And what I’d like is to complete my sentences without interruption Example of an “Unclean” ‘I’ Statement: When you interrupt me I feel annoyed with you And I want you to stop it. Remember: The aim of ‘I’ statements is to keep them clear (brief and to the point) and clean (unpolluted with blame, innuendos, shoulds, nevers and always). The objective is that the statement should be an opener to prevent defensiveness. The format involves: Step 1 State the action/incident, e.g. when (objective description). Step 2 State your response e.g. I feel (your emotion), I (your reaction), I feel like (what you’d like to do, e.g. I feel like crying). Step 3 Either: State Why you feel like that eg because I put a lot of effort and thought into my presentation on And then state your preferred option e.g. And what I’d like is that I (no expectations). Or simply state your preferred option.

Reference:

The Conflict Resolution Network

Using ‘I’ Statements and Clean Feedback to increase awareness (Johari’s Window) an example: When ....you arrive 30 minutes late for our team meetings I feel .....frustrated and angry Because ...... I interpret this is as a lack of commitment to the team and our goals. The person receiving this feedback (I statement) now understands how you perceive their behaviour and has the opportunity to explain to you why they were late – thus reducing their ‘blind spot’ thus increasing their awareness and increasing the openness (open window) between the two of you.

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Giving and Receiving Feedback Johari's Window The Johari Window Model is a simple and useful tool for illustrating and improving self-awareness, and mutual understanding between individuals within a group. The Johari Window was devised by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in 1955. Known by Self

Unknown by Self

Known by others

Open Area

Blind Area

Unknown by others

Hidden Area

Unknown Area

The size of the boxes are flexible depending on how and what feedback you ask for and how OPEN you are. Giving and receiving feedback increases the open and reduces the hidden, blind and unknown. The open area can also be developed through the process of disclosure, which reduces the hidden area. The unknown area can be reduced in different ways: by others' observation (coaching feedback); by self-discovery (coaching questions), or by mutual enlightenment. The objective of coaching and giving feedback is to extend the 'open' window, thus raising awareness and helping the individual to choose to behave differently in the future.

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Explaining the Windows People with a large Open Area: In any significant relationship, a window with a large open area is best. A person of this description is relatively easy for others to interact with and understand, making for better and more honest relationships. In general, the size of the open area increases as the level of trust in the group increases and norms are developed that facilitate giving and receiving feedback. People with a large Hidden Area: Tend to not like to reveal personal information or provide feedback. Such individuals are comfortable with a high group-participation level, but not when the group's attention is focused on themselves. Because these individuals do not commit themselves to the group, it is hard to know where they stand on issues. Others eventually may react to this type of person with irritation, distrust and withholding. People with a large Blind Area: People with this profile sometimes give a great deal of feedback - but solicit very little. Their participation style is to comment on what is going on in the group, including group issues and the behaviour of other members. Unfortunately, such individuals tend to be poor listeners (thus 'insensitive' to the impact of their behaviour on others or what others are trying to tell them) or they may respond to feedback in an unproductive way (e.g. with anger, tears, withdrawal and by threatening to leave) that others are reluctant to give any feedback. Others may perceive this type as insensitive, opinionated and critical. Because they are unaware of the impact of their behaviour on others, such individuals do not know which behaviours to change. People with a large Unknown Area: This type of person tends to be the silent member or 'observer', neither giving nor soliciting feedback. It is difficult for group members to know where this person stands in the group or where they stand with them. When confronted about such lack of participation this person may respond with 'I learn more by listening'. Actually, such individuals learn very little about themselves, because they do not provide the group with any data to which it can react.

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Developing Openness and Raising Awareness Open

Blind I can't see this, others can.

I know this about myself, so do others.

Give/ask for (Shown in body language, feedback tone of voice, habits, mannerisms etc)

Disclosure Hidden I withhold this from others, E.g. feelings and prejudices. The facade we put up.

Unknown No one knows this, not even me. Deep below the waterline.

The goal of learning to give and solicit feedback is to move information from the blind and the hidden into the open area. Through this process, new information can also move from the unknown to the open. This is frequently called 'insight' or 'inspiration' and is a key skill required by effective coaches or mentors.

Feedback

Open Area Disclosure

Hidden

Blind Shared Discovery

Unknown

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Activity: Identify your default level of listening. How can you use coaching to enhance your listening skills to a higher level?

Think of a colleague and consider where you are in the Johari window. How could giving feedback within a coaching framework enhance the relationship?

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