When Positive Thinking Doesn’t Work

By Maxwell Maltz, M.D. and Matt Furey

© 2014 by Psycho-Cybernetics Foundation, Inc. Matt Furey www.psycho-cyb.com No part of this report may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. 10339 Birdwatch Dr., Tampa, Florida 33647, USA

Without question, the essential key to human personality and behavior is the self-image. Even our achievements are limited by how we view ourselves. The self-image is the overall average of the various attitudes which we hold towards our capabilities in a multitude of areas. It is the “picture we have of ourselves.” Our self-image, therefore, is of utmost importance because we cannot be any more effective, more successful, better coordinated, more creative or more anything other than what our self-image says we are. It is the ceiling on the effectiveness with which we can use our true potential.

Behavior Dependent on Self-Image Suppose we have a vertical line and calibrate it to represent bits/of knowledge (the brain contains about 3 trillion facts of information by age thirty). We place an arrow at the top representing everincreasing knowledge. Next we select a self-image in a certain area. This self-image is surrounded by an Effectiveness Range, the “E-Range.” Our performance is effective only within this range. This picture given to us by our subconscious tells us to a very fine degree just how we will perform. We can only act according to this picture. It is our comfort zone. Any performance outside this zone will produce tension. The only way we can change our performance is first to change the self-image. It raises the ceiling on our effectiveness, enlarges the E-Range and allows us a greater use of our potential.

Better Self-Images Release Ability In order to change your self-image it is not necessary to improve yourself. It can be revised merely by repainting the mind-picture you carry in your imagination-your own private opinion and concept of that self. The change that comes from the development of a new self-image can produce rather fantastic results. A person is usually more superior than he thinks he is. When he changes his self-image, he doesn’t necessarily improve his skills and gifts. He only puts to use the talents he already possesses. Conversely, increasing or improving skills does not necessarily improve the self-image! Knowing more or being better does not automatically strengthen the self-image. The area of the possible, the individual’s Effectiveness Range is not built out of reality; it is built out of perceptions; how you see and feel about yourself. You have impact on your E-Range by altering your inner thoughts and feelings.

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When Positive Thinking Will Not Work A fresh viewpoint has been discovered about the power of positive thinking which seems to answer why some people use it with success and yet others find it useless. When it is compatible with a person’s self -image, positive thinking does undoubtedly function, but when it is incompatible with the self-image, it absolutely will not work. You cannot expand your E-Range purely through positive thinking or willpower. Some people, through remarkable exercise of will and determination and hard work, or under extreme pressure, can temporarily outperform their E-Range. But the key word is: temporary. At some point, like a rubber band stretched out to its breaking point, it snaps back – and so does this person. For continuing growth and lasting success, the E-Range must grow and be congruent with the person’s goals and achievements. In other words, there must be positive growth of the self- image, not just positive thinking ABOUT the E-Range.

Source of Ideas Unimportant You must remember that it makes no difference how or by whom you have been programmed with the various ideas you now have. No matter if they have been received from relatives, schooling, your friends-even from yourself – you are presently behaving in a manner based upon the belief that these ideas are true. As these ideas accumulate during life, most people never stop to look carefully and analytically at them, and ask: is this true? What may have been true at age 15 is likely to no longer be true at age 51. Further, when tested, much of what a person believes about himself proves to be untrue, in the sense that the person’s E-Range is more limited by belief, by fear, than by real capability. When individuals courageously test their capabilities, they often are surprised at what they can do. This is the idea behind the “pop-psych” seminars and trainings that periodically rise up in popularity and visibility, such as those where people climb mountains together, bend spoons with their mental energies, walk on heated coals and the like. While there is a certain amount of gimmickry in these things, there is also a certain amount of truth in them because they lead people into testing their limits and limiting beliefs about what they can and cannot do. Such a forced experience that then causes a person to re-examine his beliefs can prove to him that his beliefs have been unrealistically limiting. In other words, the concept here is that a self-image once improved by legitimate self-discovery cannot snap back or shrink back to its prior, smaller size. An E-Range expanded through legitimate self-discovery will not shrink back. www.psycho-cyb.com 2

Think of the person enrolled in the famous Dale Carnegie program. He is fearful of speaking in public and avoids doing so virtually at all costs. Even in small groups, at work or in his church, perhaps even in his family, he is reluctant to assert himself and express his ideas. But in the Dale Carnegie classes, he is forced – if you will – to learn some skills about speaking and to use those skills, by standing up and speaking, in a supportive environment. When he makes his speech, people laugh at his stories and applaud his efforts. As a result, he begins to see himself as someone who CAN present ideas to a group and gain favorable acceptance. He begins feeling that he is an effective communicator to groups. His self-image changes. His E-Range expands. His behavior reflects that. At work and elsewhere, he finds himself speaking out. Now, about the word “forced.” I said he was forced to speak. But he chose to be forced, by enrolling in the class, by showing up for the class, and by not bolting from the room. So it is an inch-by-inch cycle. He must first courageously choose to put himself in a situation where he must test his limiting beliefs. When those limits are tested, self-discovery occurs. The new discoveries alter the self-image. The new self-image tells the E-Range to be bigger. Higher performance and changed behavior result. And this usually leads to choosing to test another limit. And so on.

Inferiority Feelings of inferiority are experienced to some degree by almost 95 percent of the world’s population. To a major portion of these people, these feelings are a severe disadvantage in the attainment of fulfillment and satisfaction in life. Inferiority feelings do not usually arise from actual experience, but from our own judgments and interpretations of events and experiences. Inferiority complexes, which can intrude upon our lives, are developed from the feelings of inferiority that originate because we judge our performance and measure our abilities against someone else’s and not against our own. When this happens, we will always feel like a runner-up. When we evaluate our achievements by these criteria, we feel second-rate and unhappy. Consequently, we arrive at the erroneous assumption that we don’t measure up. Feelings of inferiority and superiority are conflicting feelings. The plain reality is:

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You are not superior to another person. You are not inferior to another person. You are merely you. Period. A continuing feeling of inferiority soon deteriorates into an inferiority complex which causes a decline in the way a person performs. It is interesting to realize how this situation can be artificially created in a psychological test. Some kind of mean level of performance is set up, and then the test subjects are persuaded that they are below this average. To illustrate this theory, a professor passed out a written test to his class, telling them that the normal time of completion was fifteen minutes. In reality, the test required about an hour to finish. But after fifteen minutes, even the most brilliant students became upset, believing they were inadequate or mentally deficient. Don’t compare yourself and your performance with another person’s accomplishments. You can never possibly attain their standards, nor can they attain yours. When you can unquestionably accept this truth as a fact and apply it in your daily life, your feelings of inferiority will evaporate. The greatest competitors compete against themselves, to improve upon themselves.

Are You Easily Hurt? There are three eight-hour periods in a day. Eight hours for work, eight hours for diversion, and eight hours for sleep. These eight hours for sleep are nature’s way of keeping the mind, body, and spirit in proper tone and condition, so that problems can be faced the following day. Yet sleep is one of our great concerns in these frenetic times. Fortunes have been made by pharmaceutical companies who manufacture pills that are supposed to induce sleep. I remember a time after I had lectured on Psycho-Cybernetics and Creative Living at the First Church of Religious Science in San Francisco, I boarded a plane to New York. On the plane was a friend of mine, a film producer. He took a sleeping pill, then asked me if I wanted one. I told him I never had occasion to use them because I fall asleep naturally. In the early morning, when we reached New York, my friend woke me up. He hadn’t slept at all despite the pill. He told me he had been worrying about his next film.

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We all have worries and problems; but I’ve learned not to let them intrude upon my eight hours set aside for sleep. By far the greatest reasons for insomnia are tension, anxiety, or negative feelings that make us restless and prevent us from falling asleep. Relaxation is the best preparation for sleep, because sleep is deep relaxation in itself. To relax is not easy these days, but we still can make a habit of it when, during the eight hours of diversion, we take five minutes off and walk into the room of our mind. Of course this is an imaginary room. But since we live with our imagination every day, whether we realize it or not, we should take advantage of this imaginary room where we relax, look out the window, and see a geyser letting off steam. This is a symbol for us to release a geyser, to let go of tensions for the moment, to break the electric circuit of distress even for a second. Making a habit of this is making a habit of sleep. Whenever we think of troubles, we are not prepared for sleep. When we prepare ourselves for sleep we must not let troubles interfere. Try my prescription. It may take time; but sooner or later it will work, and you won’t need a pill. Remember the words of Publius Syrus, “He sleeps well who knows not that he sleeps ill.” ARE YOU EASILY HURT? Many people are “hurt” terribly by tiny pinpricks or what we call social “slights.” I’m sure you know someone in your family, your office, your circle of friends who is so thin-skinned and “sensitive” that others must be continually on guard lest offense be taken at some innocent word or act. It is a well-known psychological fact that people who become offended easiest have the lowest self-esteem. They are “hurt” by things they conceive as threats to their ego or self-esteem; fancied emotional thrusts that pass unnoticed by a person with wholesome self-esteem slice these people up terribly. Even real “digs” and “cuts” that inflict painful linjury to the ego of the person with low self-esteem do not make a dent in the ego of the person who thinks well of himself. It is the person who feels undeserving, who doubts his own capabilities and has a poor opinion of himself who becomes jealous at the drop of a hat. It is the person who secretly doubts his own worth and feels insecure within himself who sees threats to his ego where there are none, who exaggerates and overestimates the damage from real threats. We all need a certain amount of emotional toughness and ego security to protect us from real and fancied ego threats. It wouldn’t be comfortable for the physical body to be covered over completely with a hard shell like a turtle’s. We would be denied the pleasure of all sensual feeling. www.psycho-cyb.com 5

But the human body does have a layer of outer skin for the purpose of protecting us from invasion of bacteria, small bumps and bruises, and pinpricks. That skin is thick enough and tough enough to offer protection against small wounds, but not so thick or hard that it interferes with all feeling. Many people have no covering over their ego. They have only the thin, sensitive inner skin. They need to become thicker-skinned, emotionally tougher, so that they will simply ignore petty cuts and minor ego threats. They need to build their self-esteem, get a better and more adequate self-image so that they will not feel threatened by every chance remark or innocent act. A big strong man does not feel threatened by a small danger; a little man does. In the same way, a healthy strong ego, with plenty of selfesteem, does not feel itself threatened by every innocent remark.

Your Self-Image Can Give You A Starring Role on Life’s Stage Imagine that you are seated in a theatre, looking at the curtain which hides the blank screen, as you wait for the feature movie to begin. What will this picture do for you? How will it affect you? What impact will it have on your life? Will you feel moved-perhaps even to tears? Will you laugh at a comedy, or feel terrified at the crises faced by the hero or heroine? Will you feel wonderful waves of love and compassion-or surges of resentment? All these feelings will pulse through you-and more. For the picture you will see is about the most fascinating person in the world-yourself. In this theatre, which is in the mind and heart of each of us, you are the producer, director, writer, actor or actress, hero and the villain. The exciting story unfolding upon this inner screen is one which is invented every second of your life-yesterday, tomorrow, but most important, right now. You watch the image upon that screen and you invent the image upon that screen – right now. Will the story have a happy ending? Is it full of happiness and success or sorrow and failure? The story line is already there and the discerning eye can tell the direction in which the story will go.

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But one realization can comfort you. Since you are the dramatist, the director, and the actor, you can change the story as it unfolds. Now. This instant. And for your whole lifetime. You can make this a success story. You can be the hero and conquer the villain. And you can make this a heartwarming story which will enrich the lives of all who know you-rather than a drab mechanical tale, a chronicle of boredom. It’s all inside you. It all depends on what you do with an image you carry inside you, an image which is your most important tool for good or for ill. It all depends on you-and your self-image.

Making a Motion Picture-of Yourself Now, what do we mean by the self-image? Is there such a thing? We know there is a mind, even though no one has ever seen it. I don’t mean a brain, which we can see. But the mind, which thinks, hopes, fears, grows happy, becomes sad, remembers, envisions, which invents molehills– and mountains. The mind has just as much reality as the brain – even if we can’t touch, feel, or see the mind. When an autopsy is done on a corpse, there is a brain, that can be taken out and held or put in a plastic bag; a physical thing. There is no such “mind.” It can’t be held up. It is not a physical “thing.” But inarguably it IS there. And the self-image is a reality, even if we can’t touch, feel, or see it because success is real-and failure is real. I will help you to use your self-image to develop the picture you’ve always wanted to see – a picture of YOU surmounting difficulties and driving on to a successful, happy life. Why is the self-image so important? As I explained in my previous book Psycho-Cybernetics, the self-image is your own conception of the sort of person you are. It is a product of past experiences, successes and failures, humiliations, and triumphs, and the way other people react to you, especially in early childhood. From these factors, and from others which we shall discuss later, you build up a picture of yourself which you believe is true. The picture may be false-and in many cases IS false but the important fact here is that you act just as if it were true. And so, for all intents and purposes, it is true. “Then,” you ask, “in that case, my picture of myself as a weakling, as a victim, the person to whom everything happens is true. What comfort is there in telling me that?” www.psycho-cyb.com 7

There is a wonderful comfort in one fact, embodied in two little words- “as if.” You see, I said you act as if the picture were true. But is it? Since this picture, self-image, can change and has been changed in millions of cases, there is no cause for despair. Understand this: You are the writer; you are the director; you are the actor starring in this picture. All you have to learn is how to change that picture by investing a little more time and energy in it, by following time-proved methods which are so easy and so close to each of us that it’s no wonder we’ve overlooked them. It just takes a new insight. We will work together to change this mental picture of yourself. Over and over, we will use the powerful tool of mental picturing to redefine your concept of yourself, to enhance the appreciation of the unique individual that you are.

How To Really Win Friends And Influence People In the best-selling How to Win Friends and Influence People, (Simon & Schuster 1936) Dale Carnegie quotes, with approval, a statement of Henry Ford’s. “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from his angle as well as your own.” Carnegie himself states: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. In Personality and Successful Living, (Bruce Publishing Co. 1945) James A. Magner’s approach is similar. “We come to tolerate, to understand and to love people not by waiting for them to serve us, much less by giving them an opportunity to display their defects, but by assuming the active role ourselves and giving others positive reasons for tolerating and loving us. Nothing wins friends so much as an unselfish concern on our part. Nothing makes us so worthy of friendship as developing ourselves, our resources, our personality by a program of friendliness and usefulness to others.” These are positive ideas. The writers know their suggestions are worthwhile. But many people can NOT apply any of this sound advice. Many people are actually prevented and PROHIBITED from utilizing any of this good advice. By who? By their own self-images. Your ability to form sincere, enduring friendships depends on the strength of your self-image. If you do not have a healthy self-image, all the “te chniques” in the world ca nnot help you mak e friends and sustain friendships.

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If You Like Yourself, Others Will You can learn to be more considerate; this is a fine quality. You can go out of your way to be useful to other people; this will help. There are other constructive moves you can make to win friendships. You can master a variety of social skills; you can volunteer to share your material possessions. But the core of your capacity for friendship is in your thinking about yourself. If you like yourself, others will usually share your feeling. If you despise yourself, so will other people. By liking yourself, I don’t mean the narcissistic form of infantile self-admiration, in which the individuals love centers on himself, to the exclusion of others. You can’t really like yourself unless you like others. If you short-change yourself, however, chances are you’ll do the same thing to other people. “Without confidence there is no friendship,” wrote the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus. True, and confidence has its beginning in one’s attitude toward himself!

Why Be Shy? The shy person often finds it difficult to make friends. Inhibiting his free expression, out of fear, he limits his contacts with other people. Martin Tolchin’s description is poignant in “The Roots of Shyness.” (New York Times Magazine, June 19, 1960.) “He is a quiet child-too quiet, and too well-behaved. He lacks the ‘bellyful of fire’ that the late William Bryon Mowery thought all small boys had-or should have. Instead he stands wistfully on the sidelines, unable to wade into the rough and tumble savored by a boy among boys. “Left to his own devices he may outgrow his shyness, or learn to live with it. Or he may abandon effort to establish contact with the rest of the world. “The experience can be humbling. Shyness can come between a man and the woman he needs. It can undermine his usefulness to society by preventing him from getting the job for which he qualifies. It can place an intelligent, accomplished person in the position of a social beggar who is thrown conversational crumbs at functions he cannot evade.” Unfortunately, there are many shy people in this world. Life can teach, but it can also frighten people, driving them into shells. www.psycho-cyb.com 9

If you are shy, you can learn to be more outgoing. It is, once again, mainly a question of changing your false truth about yourself-because shyness is a technique for hiding from people. Before you’re ready for real friendship, however, you must have the courage to burst through your shell.

The Meaning of Friendship A word of warning: There is much friendship these days that is political and insincere. Some people use “friendship” for vocational advantage, selecting and shedding friends with rapidity and without real feeling. They shop for friends as they would for an automobile, looking for a bargain, figuring out in advance which friend will help them advance their career. As they achieve promotions and rise into a new social status, they then discard their old pals and begin hunting for new alliances, which are more likely to pay off in terms of cold cash - present or future. These people do not differentiate between one person and another, but make their choices after a careful survey of the economic advantages involved. Other people select friends and make efforts to cement these “friendships” in an attempt to make others think them popular. Their reasoning is that if people see them always in the company of this person or that, on apparently friendly terms, they will be considered socially acceptable. They think of this as a success, though it really isn’t. They don’t really care, in a compassionate way, about the people they use for their social prestige. Indeed, they use them with the same degree of concern that one would feel in washing dishes or polishing the family car. Their only concern is that their ally be a superficially acceptable commodity, a person with enough status in the community to enhance their own social prestige. Obviously, no genuine value comes from these forms of “friendship.” There is nothing beautiful or ennobling about these selfish alliances, and I am writing about an entirely different type of relationship, one in which the main ingredient is not expediency, but brotherly love. This honest, giving kind of friendship is one of the most precious things in life, and it is this warm brotherly- sisterly relatedness that I hope I can help you achieve.

Making People Seek Your Company If people really like you, you won’t have to go out and look for friends; not only will they seek your company, they will come clamoring after you. www.psycho-cyb.com 10

Let’s try out our mental picturing apparatus again. Sit down, make yourself comfortable in a quiet place, and relax in the playhouse of your mind. Scene 1: Picture yourself going to a party. Imagine that you knock timidly on the door, feeling uneasy because you won’t know many of the people. Then you see Ted who was invited by Cora, whom he knows casually in the library where he works. He’s 35, has worked as librarian for almost ten years, is lonely. The hostess greets him and he shuffles into the living room which is crowded with talking, laughing people. “Hello.” A girl comes over to him and smiles. He returns her greeting, wondering nervously what he should talk about. “What’s your name?” Ted introduces himself, forcing himself to ask hers and feeling all fingers and thumbs as he wonders what to do with his hands. “What do you do?” “Oh, oh, here comes that question again,” he thinks, groaning inwardly. “I’ll have to tell her I’m nothing but a librarian.” His shoulders slump and he avoids her gaze as he answers her. (Here is a sure blueprint for failure. This man’s basic quality is a self-hatred that tramples all his intelligence and his potential for creative expression. He must strengthen his self-image before he is ready for the warm givingness that constitutes friendship.) Scene 2: It’s the same party, half an hour later. John arrives and greets his hostess. He’s also a librarian; it’s a clannish gathering. He’s also in his thirties, unmarried, but he’s looking forward to the evening. He’s eager to meet Cora socially and see her in a pretty dress. Perhaps they’ll dance and talk and flirt, and perhaps he could take her home later. “How nice you look!” he says to the hostess, meaning every word. He laughs as she blushes and shakes hands with Peter and Frank, both of whom he knows at work. They’re glad to see him and bring him over to meet other people. “What do you do?” one fellow asks. “I’m a librarian,” John says, looking curiously, yet with a friendly smile, at the other man. “I’ve always loved good books. What do you do?” He finds some of the people at the party interesting to talk to, and enjoys the exchange of ideas, the food and drink. People come over to chat with him, enjoying his easy friendliness, and his lack of pretension and arrogance. www.psycho-cyb.com 11

At midnight, he takes Cora home. (People seek out this man because his self-image is healthy. He sees himself as a nice guy and therefore does not have to feel self-conscious or apologetic. Liking himself, without being narcissistic, he is able to appreciate others. They sense this and cluster around him, as bees around honey.)

Your Self-Image Can Make You Likable You can learn a lesson from these dramas: a healthy self-image can make you likable to other people. People crave good company. They may mask this desire because they’re afraid of rejection, but they feel this need very deeply. It is a basic need, almost as essential as the need to appease one’s hunger with food.

Five Rules for Winning Friends Apply these concepts and you will never lack friends: 1. Be a friend to yourself. If you’re not, you can’t possibly be a friend to others. If you downgrade yourself, you can still admire other people, but your respect will be tainted with envy. Others will sense the impurity of your friendship and will not respond positively to it. They may be sympathetic toward your problems, but pity is not a strong foundation for friendship. 2. Reach out to people. This is the next step. When you are with a casual acquaintance and you feel like talking, express yourself as uninhibitedly as is proper for the situation. Don’t tell yourself that you’re silly if you crack a joke, or unstable if you’re nervous and want the other person to like you. Look for the other person’s positive qualities and try to bring them out; watch for overcritical thoughts and stamp them out, for they are enemies to friendship. 3. Imagine you’re the other person. This mental picturing will help you. If you try to image him in his total life situation, as accurately as you can reconstruct it, you can sense his needs and try to meet them as much as is within your ability and within the dimensions of your relationship. You can also understand his responses better. If he is touchy in certain areas, you can try to avoid stepping on his toes. When you feel like being generous, you can attempt to build up his own self-image. If he is a worthwhile friend, he will be grateful for your kindness and will be giving to you in return, in his own individual way. 4. Accept the other fellow’s individuality. People are different, especially when they’re being genuine. Don’t try to alter this fact. The other fellow is not you; accept him as he is and he’ll value you too, www.psycho-cyb.com 12

as you are, if he’s worth his salt. It is a serious mistake to try to force another person to conform to your preconceived ideas. If you resort to such domineering tactics, you’ll likely have an enemy, not a friend. 5. Try to meet others’ needs. Too often this world is a cutthroat place in which people think of their own needs-and then stop thinking! Go out of your way to be considerate and you’ll be a valued friend. Many people talk at people; they deliver lectures and the other fellow is just an ear. Never do this to a friend; talk with him!

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Other books and courses on

Psycho-Cybernetics and Self-Improvement: Maxwell Maltz Theatre of the Mind Psycho-Cybernetics The New Psycho-Cybernetics The Flow Seminar Zero Resistance Living Expect to Win - Hate to Lose The Unbeatable Man

www.psycho-cyb.com