What is Self-esteem? What you think of yourself is much more important than what others think of you. Seneca (died a.d. 65)

We all want our children to have a healthy self-esteem. We want them to value themselves, to be able to withstand the difficulties they will face as they are growing up, to stand tall, head high and to experience the best that life can offer them. A healthy self-esteem means that we appreciate ourselves and our personal worth. The measure of our self-esteem affects all our decisions and has implications for the directions we take in life. Strong self-esteem can be seen when: ( We have a positive attitude towards life. ( We are able to accurately assess our capabilities and weaknesses. ( We have an inherent sense of dignity. ( We are in control of our own lives. ( We make responsible choices about what we do. ( We compare ourselves favourably with others. ( We accept that we are ‘good enough’ (and have the courage to accept our mistakes). ( We value others. Having a healthy self-esteem is not the same as having an inflated sense of our own importance, sometimes referred to as ‘ego-esteem’. A person with strong self-esteem sits calmly and assuredly with others in the world, while those with ‘ego-esteem’ are restless and uneasy and make others around them feel uncomfortable.

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Why does it matter to families? The family is the most basic unit of government. As the first community to which a person is attached and the first authority under which a person learns to live, the family establishes society’s most basic values. Charles Caleb Colton (1780–1832)

The influences upon our self-esteem begin when we are children. Families have long been considered the place where self-esteem is first nurtured and developed. It is generally held that parents who themselves have a healthy self-esteem find it easier to raise their children to fulfil their potential. Families whose members have a strong sense of self-esteem are better able to deal with crises and adversity, and although many challenges face young people growing up in today’s world, it is these families which are better placed to cope with the external pressures which may impact negatively upon the self-esteem of the young person. Sometimes we have to make choices against family wishes, and this requires a belief in our ability to make appropriate and right decisions for ourselves. A family with strong self-esteem will respect this autonomy and come to terms with difference and change. Rejections, disappointments and failure are a part of daily life but having a healthy self-esteem developed in a secure family base can cushion us against these and help us to overcome adversity. Children learn by experience and by imitation. All of us who are parents need to model an inner strength, however challenging our lives may be. Our children need to feel confident that they can overcome their problems just as they see us overcome ours. We cannot give them self-esteem. It is not a gift that we can present to them at birth. But we can help them to develop it. We can give them the opportunities to nurture it. We can provide them with an encouraging family life that will help them to know that they are valued as individuals. We can do this in many ways: ( By encouragement rather than insincere or unwarranted praise. ( By separating the behaviour from the individual. ( By always making them feel loved regardless of what mistakes they make. Self-esteem is about making independent decisions, taking risks, creatively pursuing new ideas, acting on our own initiative, having confidence in our abilities, problem-solving, resolving conflicts, and clearly communicating our thoughts and desires. It is good for family life, social and working relationships as well as meaningful participation in the modern world.

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Contents What is self-esteem? Why does it matter to families? Introduction A brief guide to the principles underlying this work with parents Who is this manual for? The background to the manuals About the author The Listening Ear The parenting courses Acknowledgements Copying permissions Photocopying permission for use of the copiable materials Other photocopying permission Electronic supply of the copiable materials Notes on using this manual How this manual is organised Timings and timetable Co-facilitators Group members’ needs Organising the course Preparing Using the materials The opening session of a course The closing session of a course The other sessions Marketing the course Further reading

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Part One: Guidance for Facilitators Facilitating groups Stages of group development The facilitator Some useful interventions Coping with individual behaviour ‘C’ groups Giving effective feedback Guidelines for sculpturing Guidelines for role-play Guidelines for relaxation and visualisation Supervision for reflective practice Confidentiality Evaluation

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Some examples of evaluations Additional icebreakers and closures

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Part Two: The Sessions Scheme of work Course components The National Occupational Standards for Work with Parents Session 1: What is Self-esteem? Session Plan Facilitator’s Notes Handouts for Parents Session 2: Exploring Our Self-esteem Session Plan Facilitator’s Notes Handouts for Parents Session 3: Our Belief System Session Plan Facilitator’s Notes Handouts for Parents Session 4: Challenging Negative Thoughts Session Plan Facilitator’s Notes Handouts for Parents Session 5: Making Changes Session Plan Facilitator’s Notes Handouts for Parents Session 6: Maintaining our Healthy Self-esteem Session Plan Facilitator’s Notes Handouts for Parents References Suggested further reading Electronic supply of the copiable materials

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25 27 29 30 31 33 39–43 44 45 47 58–62 63 64 66 71–77 78 79 81 88–93 94 95 97 106–115 116 117 119 126–130 131 132 133

Introduction This manual provides the guidance and materials that a facilitator will need to run a course on self-esteem. The course is designed to raise the parent’s awareness of their self-esteem and it endeavours to give them the confidence in their own strengths and abilities to enable them help their children to also develop these important attributes too. Many people lack confidence in their ability as parents, especially when others, complaining about the behaviour of the younger generation in general, are quick to point the finger at them. It is no wonder that parents begin to question how well they are parenting their own children. The act of ‘parenting’ itself can make us doubt ourselves, especially during that difficult period as our children grow up into teenagers. Parents often find life difficult and feel unable to give their children the loving, stable and encouraging home life that they deserve. Young parents are often the least confident, which may be because they are still teenagers themselves and thus still unsure of their own identities, or they come to parenthood unwittingly and unwillingly. Once parents have gained their own self-respect and self-confidence they can, in turn, use these to create a positive attitude to life within their own family environment. This course, then, will enable parents to: ( Become more self-aware. ( Understand the influences upon the development of self-esteem. ( Develop the capacity to make changes where needed. ( Understand how to develop a positive attitude to life’s challenges. ( Provide an encouraging and caring environment for their children’s self-esteem to develop.

UK parenting programmes The Parenting Early Intervention Pathfinder Evaluation (2008) undertaken by Lindsay, Davies et al. at the University of Warwick and King’s College, London analysed the trial roll-out across 18 UK Local Authorities of three parenting programmes originally developed in the United States and Australia. The findings included: ( Facilitator satisfaction with materials was generally high, although there were criticisms of American English, predominance of Australian culture shown, wordiness and complexity of language and high literacy demands. vii

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( The average cost of running a parenting group was about £18,000 with cost of each parent completing the courses being just under £3,000. Among the specific recommendations were: ( ‘Local Authorities should also consider the cost effectiveness of the programmes’ as this is ‘within their control’. ( ‘Given the multiple differences between the three programmes yet the same outcomes, it follows that other home grown courses might be equally effective, and priority should be given to the search for and evaluation of alternatives.’ This course manual, Self-esteem: A Family Affair, is particularly relevant in this context.

About this course The subtitle for this manual, A proven programme based upon mutual respect designed for local community initiatives, was chosen because: ( The course is easy to follow for both facilitator and parent. ( It has been used successfully with over 1,500 parents. ( The parents are valued contributors to the course. ( The course is affordable by both small voluntary agencies and larger organisations. In addition: ( The course can be used with groups of up to 15 people as well as with individuals. ( There is no requirement for the facilitator to attend an expensive course in order to gain access to the material. ( The programme does not require audio-visual aids. ( The facilitator’s notes give sufficient guidance for running the complete course. ( There is enough material to allow for between 12 and 20 hours of contact time. ( The handouts and notes are flexible enough to allow the duration of the sessions to be varied to suit the needs of any particular facilitator and parent group. ( The manual takes full account of the National Occupational Standards for Work with Parents. When I first started to offer parenting courses I encountered diverse groups that were made up of people from differing religious and ethnic backgrounds, from different social classes and with varying degrees of literacy and language skills. Some of the parents I work with now are displaced from their homes, families and communities, whilst others may even have suffered child abuse. However, what most of them have in common is that they lack confidence in viii

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themselves, and therefore it is always important to me to find ways of engaging with their strengths as quickly as possible because they may well have restricted time or funding. In addition, it must be remembered that they have had the courage to make the commitment to attend the course, and it is essential that facilitators support and encourage every effort they make. I hope that this manual will encourage facilitators to work in partnership with parents to provide them with new insights into how to break the cycle of discouragement for themselves and their children. Wendy Goddard

If you need advice on running this course or feel that you need further support please contact me on wendyann.goddardVntlworld.com

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A brief guide to the principles underlying this work with parents The principles underlying the course are based upon ‘Individual Psychology’ developed by Alfred Adler. Humanistic or Client-Centred Psychology underpins the relationship between the facilitator and the parents and ‘Cognitive Behavioural Therapy’ (CBT) informs many of the exercises. Individual psychology Adler was the founder of Individual Psychology, and thus it is often referred to as Adlerian Psychology. This school of thought believes that human beings strive to belong and to overcome early feelings of inferiority through the construction of personal goals. Adler assumes that all human behaviour is motivated by social needs. As social beings, we try to find a way to co-operate with others, to strive for self-improvement, and to contribute to the common good of all. Adler based his psychology on this ‘feeling of community’. Mental health is measured by the degree to which we successfully share with others and are concerned with their welfare. A family life which encourages an early feeling of belonging to the social community gives children the foundation for building that sense of self, one that is grounded in being happy with who they are, and strengthened by being accepted and liked by parents, siblings, and friends Self-esteem is often undermined: ( When children are constantly criticised for their mistakes they fear failure and often withdraw from effort. ( If they are always helped, or constantly rescued, so that they do not have to take responsibility, they will find it hard to cope when that help is no longer there. ( Frequent praise can give rise to the ‘praise junkie’, building a false sense of the child’s importance and ability, whereas encouragement to try and recognition of effort, builds courage. ( When children are pushed to achieve goals that are too high or unrealistic for their age they may either give up or feel worthless and stupid if they fail. ( Constant comparisons with other more accomplished siblings may deny children any feelings of success and pride in their own accomplishments. If children have enough resilience developed through: ( activity and courage ( creativity and problem-solving ( self-awareness x

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. . . they are able to overcome their difficulties, and they can develop a healthy self-esteem. The construction of personal goals is crucial for self-esteem. Today we see many different standards for success: money, possessions, power, fame are all very seductive substitutes in our culture, for the feeling of personal value, but they are not within everyone’s grasp. Satisfaction and pride in progress, and the willingness to share what we have developed for the benefit of others can provide not only life-long self-esteem, but earn the esteem and appreciation of others. This is the way to increase our sense of self-worth. By constructing personal goals that enable us to contribute and to connect with those around us we are able to fulfil our potential. Facilitators should seek to encourage parents to have a greater sense of personal responsibility and of belonging to a community: to do this we look at setting personal goals. By using a creative approach to problem-solving and often by turning towards the childhood experiences and perceptions of life which have influenced the adult we will help the parents to move from where they are now towards an understanding of where they would like to be.

Humanistic or Client-Centred Psychology The relationship between the facilitator and the parents in this course requires the ‘core conditions’ for facilitative practice – congruence, acceptance and empathy. In practice, facilitators using this approach emphasise the relationship between themselves and the group participants.

Congruence Perhaps the most basic of these essential attitudes is realness or genuineness. As facilitators we need to be genuine, entering into a relationship with the parents without presenting a façade. We are then much more likely to be effective. We are aware of the feelings that we are experiencing, we are able to live these feelings, and we are able to communicate them if appropriate. We are able to be honest with the group. When necessary and appropriate we can disclose aspects about ourselves to enable greater understanding and empathy.

Acceptance This attitude of acceptance stands out in those who are successful in facilitating learning. It is about valuing the parent, valuing their feelings and opinions. It is about non-possessive caring for the individual. It is an acceptance of this other person as having worth in their own right. It is also having a belief that this parent is somehow fundamentally trustworthy and capable of finding their own solutions.

Empathic understanding When the facilitator has the ability to understand the parent’s reactions from the inside, is sensitive to how the learning process is received by the parent, the likelihood of significant xi

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learning is increased. Parents feel appreciated when they are not judged but simply understood from their own point of view and not from the facilitator’s.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) The word ‘cognitive’ applies to everything that goes on in our heads: our dreams, images, thoughts and memories. These cognitions influence our behaviour. ‘Behaviour’ refers to everything we do including what we say, how we act, how we try to solve problems or avoid them. It involves active and passive behaviour. So inwardly seething and externally smiling are both ‘behaviours’ which come from the way we are thinking. A central concept in CBT is that we feel and behave the way we think. Therefore, if we can think positively we will be happier and more self-fulfilled. ‘The way I am is the way I think.’ CBT recognises that people hold beliefs about themselves, the world, and others, based upon experience and that these are often mistaken beliefs. Thus one of the purposes of using CBT techniques is to help people challenge their beliefs and to adapt to reality. We cannot always change our circumstances or the environment but we can change the way we react to adversity. Thus we look at the way we feel, the way we think and the way we act – all within our control, and all having the potential for change. If we look at how we behave in certain circumstances, we can often change this behaviour to produce a positive result e.g. when depressed, the behaviour such as being lethargic and staying in bed, can be altered to that of taking exercise, which will then make us feel more positive about ourselves. In other words one unproductive habit can be exchanged for a productive one. CBT is a very goal-orientated approach. When working with families we set home tasks, which include exercises like goal setting, action plans and problem-solving.

Resilience Resilience seems to involve several related elements. Firstly, a sense of self-esteem and self-confidence; secondly, a belief in one’s own self-efficacy and ability to deal with change and adaptation; and thirdly, a repertoire of problem-solving approaches. (Rutter and Rutter, 1985)

We all respond differently to adversity. Some of us seem able to pick ourselves up fairly quickly and get on with life, while others take much longer to recover. Some go even further and become stuck in a ‘victim’ mentality and no amount of work with them seems to shift them from this position. Still more sink into depression, often turning to unhealthy crutches such as drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity. If we knew what factors enable people to face life’s challenges and deal with them effectively, then we could find ways of helping those with low resilience. In stressful circumstances xii

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boosting an individual’s resilience could help protect them from depression and other mental illness, while building their self-confidence and raising their achievement levels. The question ‘How did you do it?’ is at the heart of the theory of resilience. In our work with parents this is a question we often ask when they are facing difficult circumstances. Somewhere in their past they must have managed to overcome adversity. By looking at how they did it previously we can find clues that may help show them how they could go about overcoming their current problem. The myth that people who overcome such hardships are ‘different’, almost super-beings, does others a great disservice. It can lead to: ( Blaming the victims – ‘You’ve made your bed, now lie on it’ ( The generation of a pull-yourself-together attitude – ‘Pull yourself together and get on with it’ ( Unrealistic expectations – ‘Other people cope, why can’t you?’ ( Negative labelling – You are ‘at-risk’; ‘vulnerable’; ‘a victim’. ( Giving up on people – ‘We’ve done everything we can for her!’ However, people who do survive difficult circumstances develop a feeling of satisfaction in their achievements. Unfortunately, we often tend to look at the weaknesses in people rather than their strengths, and the struggle that they are experiencing may well go unnoticed. Recognising this pride in their achievements: ( Conveys respect and honours the struggle they are going through. ( Recognises the choices they have made regardless of the difficult life they lead. ( Shifts the self-image from ‘damaged goods’ to ‘someone who prevails’. ( Provides evidence that a person who has been capable of meeting challenges in the past can do so again. ( Uncovers the method they have used for overcoming obstacles in the past in order to repeat it in the present. Looking at resilience in this way encourages respect and optimism, which can become a starting point for constructive change. Often by asking the question ‘How did you do it?’ we can uncover some of the attributes below that are mobilised in the struggle with hardship: Moralit Y

Being able to act on the basis of an informed conscience.

Relationships

Having fulfilling connections to other people.

Independence

Being able to distance oneself emotionally and physically from the sources of trouble in one’s life.

Creativity

Using imagination and expressing oneself in art forms. xiii

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Humour

Finding the comic in the tragic.

Enterprise

Using initiative to solve problems.

Self-awareness Asking oneself tough questions and giving honest answers. Having insight. (Parents often remember this with the acronym MY RICHES)

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Who is this manual for? This course in this manual is designed primarily for use by facilitators who are working with parents and carers but it can also be used with foster carers, grandparents and parents to be. (Within the manual the term ‘parents’ covers anyone undertaking the parenting role.) More and more professionals find themselves required to run parenting courses. They are often drawn from the caring professions: nursing, teaching, counselling, social work and youth services. Many of them already have the attributes that will enable them to become very effective facilitators for parenting skills groups. The qualities of concern, compassion, and empathy, are essential characteristics of their professions and will enable them to effectively support parents and their families. They might also have knowledge of child development and psychology. An experienced facilitator should find the sessions laid out in Part Two very straightforward to use as each session has a Session Plan (including timings), a set of Facilitator’s Notes, handouts for the exercises and an evaluation sheet. In addition, for those less experienced facilitators, the manual has a section in Part One on Facilitating Groups which gives general guidance on facilitating groups of people on parenting courses. There are other people who might want to run parenting groups: namely parents. This might be particularly relevant for those parents who may have been through similar courses and who have the appropriate confidence and skills to work with other groups of parents. This manual provides them with the materials and guidance to enable them to feel confident in helping to support other parents in their communities. Who better to know what their peers are going through? So, the facilitators who undertake this parenting group work might be: ( Practitioners working with parents including: 

counsellors



nurses



teachers



youth workers



social workers



Family and Children’s Centre staff

( Parents themselves

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The background to the manuals About the author Wendy Goddard was a psychiatric nurse and then spent over 20 years as a secondary school teacher eventually retiring as Deputy Head. On retirement, she founded a small local charity, The Listening Ear, providing counselling and training to young people and their families. Wendy has remained very much involved, developing materials for their training, supervising the counsellors, as well as providing training for parents and professionals working with young people.

The Listening Ear The Listening Ear delivers training locally (Bournemouth, Dorset, Poole) where the work includes supporting refugee families, teenage parents, and those in recovery. It also delivers training to professionals in other parts of the country. All of the trainers are qualified in counselling and have either teaching or health qualifications. They are all qualified trainers or working towards a City and Guilds qualification with Adult Education. The trainers and counsellors sit on the management committee of The Listening Ear, where there is also representation from young people, parents and other organisations. The Listening Ear is a non-profit-making organisation that strives to develop courses with parents and families that are: ( Empowering. ( Achievable. ( Non-judgemental. ( Non-discriminatory. ( Able to be replicated at the local level. ( Without expensive obligatory introductory training.

The parenting courses Materials were originally created by the author for a team of facilitators who were being trained to deliver parenting courses. These facilitators were already qualified therapists and learned how to facilitate the courses by shadowing the author. They found, while running their own groups, that the course material would be even more useful if there were notes and guidance to go with the handouts. Many of their ideas, xvi

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suggestions and amendments – along with those of the participating parents – have now been incorporated into three core manuals dealing with ‘Positive Approaches to Parenting’: ( Supporting Positive Parenting ( Self-esteem – A Family Affair ( Life Changes: Managing Parents’ and Children’s Emotions Each can be used as a stand alone resource providing all the materials necessary to run a 6–10 week course, or they can be combined in any order to form a more comprehensive programme.

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