Hammer & Roxy

The Friendship Contract Yes, we’re serious…

Table of Contents TABLE OF CONTENTS.............................................................................................................................................. 2 SECTION 1, DEFINITIONS ........................................................................................................................................ 3 SECTION 2, BRAIN AND EYE BLEACH ...................................................................................................................... 3 SECTION 3, BRATS .................................................................................................................................................. 3 SECTION 4, GOOD COMPANY ................................................................................................................................. 4 SECTION 5, PLAY .................................................................................................................................................... 5 SECTION 6, NO-NOS ............................................................................................................................................... 6 INDEX .................................................................................................................................................................... 6 ENDNOTES ............................................................................................................................................................. 6

Stipulations and provisions guiding friendship with me (tongue firmly in cheek):

Section 1, Definitions • • •

1.1: Friendship is a two way street. I am your friend, and you are mine. 1.2: Friendship is a relationship of mutual trust, learning, and sharing of joy and experiences. 1.3: Friendship does not go away if we don't get personal messages from each other every single day.

Section 2, Brain and Eye Bleach •

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2.1: The following words are prohibited in picture comments that will result in said pictures showing up in my feed and me seeing the picture and requiring brain bleach: "yuck", "ew", "gross", "ick", "uggh", and any similar words denoting disgust. 2.1.A: This rule applies to comments when the prohibited words are implied, or omitted due to surprise exclamations such as "ummm...", "WOW!", or "OMFG!". 2.1.B: This rule also applies if wry comments allude to the fact that this image should be avoided. 2.2: The following subject matters are prohibited from picture comments that will result in the image showing up in my feed: scat, shit, berries tied so tight they're about to pop, anything that appears to be an injury, and anything that warrants a Darwin award (including you for showing that picture to me). 2.2.A: If it makes you cringe, I probably don't want to see it unless it has significant artistic merit. 2.3: Failure to abide by this provision gives me permission to use the ouchy stick on you. 2.3.A: The OUCHY ouchy stick. This is not a good pain. You won't find your happy place, and I'll have headphones on listening to Nine Inch Nails at full volume so I won't hear you screaming your fucking safeword. 2.3.B: In case you hadn't noticed, I know how to tie you down so you won't be running or crawling away from the ouchy stick. 2.4: It's official, snakes and spiders are added to the prohibited list. Uber-ultra-extra hard limit. Gah!

Section 3, Brats • • • •

3.1: No prodding or cajoling the sadistic top. This is for your own safety. I say I'm not a sadist, but if you push my buttons I become one. 3.2: There are no exceptions, free passes, or coupons offered on this rule. 3.3: Failure to abide by this provision gives me permission to use the ouchy stick on you, and ENJOY it. 3.4: Yes, the same OUCHY ouchy stick, only I won't be wearing headphones because I want to hear you calling your wimpy safeword - so I can fucking IGNORE it!

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3.5: If you are the type to poke sadistic tops for fun - reread section 3.1 (the second sentence). 3.6: If you insist on prodding the sadistic top and then ask to play, remember the ouchy stick - suck it up buttercup. 3.7: The Brat Reprimand Arbitration Team will be selected and given authority to deal with exceptional cases of bratty behavior. BRAT rulings are binding. Asparagus and carrot stuffing is a highly recommended treatment.

Section 4, Good Company • • •

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4.1: Use the word "cock" or "pussy" in all dinner-table conversation. Related sexual terms and tales of sexual exploits are also encouraged. 4.2: It should be loud and clear enough that the neighboring tables are glaring at us, and they should be absolutely certain that we are happier in our lives than they are. 4.3: Nudity in all forms (including public) and removal of clothing for communication purposes is highly encouraged. An example is excusing yourself and then handing me your wet panties upon returning to the table. 4.3.A: Wait, you wear panties? 4.4: When phone conversation is impossible for sexual reasons, communication should be blunt and honest. For example, "I'm sorry, she can't talk right now because she's busy cumming her brains out" (appropriate moans and screams should be heard in the background). 4.5: Ladies are encouraged to show off their shoes at the dinner table. That means lift your feet high up in the air so I can look up your skirt at your cute stripey panties and milky white thighs and think, "life is good," while unsuccessfully pretending just to look at the cool strappy shoes you are wearing. 4.5.A: Wait, you wear panties? 4.6: If you are wearing fucking incredible shoes and stockings, and a slightly too short skirt - you should take every opportunity to have that skirt ride up a little bit too far and let me see you wiggle your gorgeous ass invitingly. Yes, the slower the better. My eyes will likely roll back in my head, but I'll be in ecstasy. 4.6.A: Wait, you wear panties? OK - with an ass like that I'll let the thong slide (this time). 4.7: If you have my cell phone number (or email), feel free to send me naughty messages and pictures any time. That hot!™ 4.8: Let's talk about rope. 4.8.A: If you are wearing rope, show it to me. 4.8.B: If you are wearing a crotch rope, let me pull on it. 4.9: When painting walls in your home, use your body parts to get initial base colors down, and then turn those body-prints into dirty pictures. For example, two butt cheeks and a body pressed artfully against the wall make a great cock. Let these dry thoroughly before proceeding to paint, so that no matter how many coats you put down those dirty pictures still show through a bit. This gives you a good story for kinky friends, and plausible deniability when your vanilla friends are over for dinner and after one drink too many they are asking, "is that a penis on your wall?" (you can look at them and say, "you're sick, you know that?")

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4.10: Sporting events have really sexy dances associated with them. Just sayin'. 4.11: If you're fucking someone in the same hotel room as me, be a good exhibitionist and make sure the covers are off so I can watch and take pictures. 4.11.A: If you're a really good friend fucking someone in a hotel room or watching said activity, take pictures and send them to me. You do have my cell number, right? 4.12: Do you look magnificent? I must see, I must touch! Wearing latex? Ask me to polish you. Wearing a corset? Ask me for a hug. 4.13: For all you men that feel left out - if any of the above applies to your partner, please share. I'll gladly reciprocate. 4.14: Show me your bruises, especially if you have to take off your panties to do so. 4.14.A: Wait, you still wear panties around me? 4.15: Can I get an "AMEN" to the Church of Cock? 4.16: Do you speak another language? What's (insert language here) for "Wanna fuck?" and yeah, I expect you to say that out loud! Or at least whisper it in my ear in a way that makes me know you're serious. 4.16.A: And give me proper spelling (in unicode) so I can put it on my profile! 4.17: Got dirty pictures you don't want to post on your own profile? Create another profile so nobody will know it's you and send me a link! What's that? Somebody might recognize your shapely ass? That hot!™ 4.18: Real friends show me their boobs! That pretty much sums up this whole section. 4.18.A: Boobs... ass, same deal. 4.18.B: I might need to see your bare boobs or ass for recognition if that's most of what I saw when we first met. Yeah, I'm a guy - what of it? 4.19: And yes, I'm totally gonna perv all over your partner's profile looking for sexy pics of you. 4.20: Wait, wait, wait - you still wear panties around me? Take them off and give them to me so we can pass them around the restaurant letting everybody see your blushing face as they hold the bundle of lace to their nose. I'll keep them, and hang them on the wall by the front door for everybody to see. 4.20.A: It's totally OK for you to wear panties just so you can wiggle them out from under your magnificent dress and give them to me for my nefarious purposes. 4.21: See Lochai out and about somewhere? Say, "Lochai, cum!" And let me know if it works! 4.22: If you visit our home, leave a little bit of yourself behind - in the shimenawa, of course (and the alternate form: pantynawa).

Section 5, Play •

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5.1: We have recent, full panel STD results indicating negative status. We'd like to stay that way. Note however, that doesn't mean we want to wrap ourselves in balloons every time we walk into a club, and hold good people away from us with a 10 foot pole. Our version of safer sex involves knowing our partners very well and making play decisions very carefully with a lot of communication. It does not involve dogmatic rules. 5.2: If you know us, you know my Roxy is very, umm, lubricious, as in - we have a waterproof blanket for a reason.

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5.3: If you are on my waterproof blanket and don't leave a mess, I'll be thoroughly offended. 5.3.A: Yes, the blanket gets washed after every use. 5.4: Orgasmia, as defined by the Hammer and Roxy dictionary of sexual prowess, is the state of experiencing orgasm, over and over and over... You should want to be in orgasmia.

Section 6, No-nos •

6.1: I'd rather not be around anybody who has had "too much" to drink. How much is "too much"? I dunno how to answer that other than to say, I know it when I see it.

Index Brat..................................................................... 2 Church of Cock .................................................. 3 cock .................................................................... 2 corset .................................................................. 3 dirty pictures ...................................................... 3 ew ....................................................................... 1 fucking someone ................................................ 3 gross ................................................................... 1 Hammer and Roxy dictionary of sexual prowess ....................................................................... 4 ick....................................................................... 1 latex .................................................................... 3 Lochai ................................................................ 3 naughty messages and pictures .......................... 2 Nudity ................................................................ 2 OMFG ................................................................ 1 Orgasmia ............................................................ 4 OUCHY ouchy stick....................................... 1, 2 panties ............................................................ 2, 3

pantynawa .......................................................... 3 pussy .................................................................. 2 Real friends show me their boobs...................... 3 rope .................................................................... 2 sexual terms ....................................................... 2 sexy dances ........................................................ 3 shimenawa ......................................................... 3 shoes .................................................................. 2 STD.................................................................... 4 That hot .......................................................... 2, 3 "too much" to drink ........................................... 4 uggh ................................................................... 1 Wanna fuck ........................................................ 3 waterproof blanket ............................................. 4 words denoting disgust ...................................... 1 WOW ................................................................. 1 yuck ................................................................... 1

Endnotes i

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Version date: June 2012 This contract may be modified, adapted, amended or otherwise altered without prior notice. Future alterations will be indicated by a revision date in the endnotes.