The Definitive Guide to. Girls with Aspergers

The Definitive Guide to Girls with Aspergers By Dave Angel www.ParentingAspergersCommunity.com ------------------------------------------------------...
Author: Alvin Ball
17 downloads 2 Views 949KB Size
The Definitive Guide to Girls with Aspergers

By Dave Angel www.ParentingAspergersCommunity.com --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Contents: Symptoms and Diagnosis for Girls with Aspergers Do the symptoms of Aspergers differ for girls, and if so what are they? Why is it so difficult to diagnose Aspergers in Girls? The unique presentation of Aspergers in girls? How do you explain that being different (with Aspergers) is ok? Issues faced by parents of girls diagnosed in middle school…

Page 8 10 12 13 15

Pre-Teenage Girls with Aspergers How and what do I tell my 10 year old daughter about sex without her freaking out and feeling uncomfortable? My 11 year old cannot deal with the fact that she is growing up... My 11-year-old girl with Aspergers has mood swings… My 12 year old daughter cannot notice how loud she speaks…

18 20 22 24

Teenage Girls with Aspergers Can you give me some ―rules of dating‖ for my teen daughter with Aspergers? How can I help my daughter to avoid being sexually exploited by boys who might say or do anything for sex? What do I need to know about my teenage girl with Aspergers? 14 yr. Old daughter with Aspergers whose mind turns off from time to time… What can I do to prepare my 14 year old daughter on being able to survive? 15 year old daughter –having trouble getting her to follow everyday rules… My daughter won't take care of self care issues or wear a bra… My daughter is 17 years old and doesn‘t want to interact with people… Strategies I can use to try to help my daughter manage her own stress? Can you give me tips for dealing with PMS in my daughter with Aspergers? Girls with Aspergers - Growing Up into Adults Will my daughter have the necessary skills to become a mother herself one day? She wants to drive but I worry that she will and zone out while driving… My daughter will not take personal responsibility for her actions... Do adults with Aspergers marry and if they do, do they make a success of it? How can I decide how to provide opportunities for independent adult living? My daughter is now a parent… Education and Girls with Aspergers Does my daughter with Aspergers have to stay in mainstream? How do I get my daughter's teachers, to support her needs? Help my daughter with Aspergers improve her organizational skills? Trying to understand the way in which my child learns… How to help my daughter retain the information she learns at school? I need skills to help my daughter understand time…

27 29 31 33 35 37 39 43 45 47

50 52 54 58 60 62

65 67 69 71 74 77

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

I really struggle with my daughter not being able to follow instructions… What is the responsibility of the school? Daughter shuts down in class… Do you have any tips for teenage girls with Aspergers in schooling?

80 83 85 87

Girls with Aspergers and Social Skills How can I teach my daughter the social skills and understanding for relationships and friendships with boys? Social skills training for our teenager with Aspergers? How do I help my child so that she can make friends?

90 92 94

Girls with Aspergers and Behavior Aspergers girl that throws things, rips things and breaks things… When we are watching T.V. she will burst out in a scream... Why is my daughter always nasty to her oldest sister?

97 99 101

Psychological Problems for Girls with Aspergers What can I do about my daughter‘s self-harming? My daughter is being bullied by other girls at school – what can I do? How can I help my daughter improve her self esteem as it‘s pretty low? My daughter with Aspergers has a lot of anxiety… How to deal with anger management and Aspergers? My child with Asperger's seems to be developing anorexia… Other Questions about Girls with Aspergers How do I get my daughter with Aspergers to accept help? Is Aspergers why my daughter really doesn‘t play much with her brother? Do you have information on Aspergers and Neurofeedback? Best way to help other family members understand my daughter's fears? My biggest challenge is getting through to her… How can I relate to my daughter in a way which doesn't cause a flair-up? What is the best way to work through a parent's frustration? Expert Views on Aspergers Diagnosis in Girls Tony Attwood Wendy Lawson

104 106 108 110 112 114

117 119 121 123 125 127 129

133 135

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Disclaimer The writer of the material present in ―The Definitive Guide to Girls with Aspergers‖ believes that a multi-disciplinary approach to parenting Asperger‘s children is of extreme importance. This means combining the approaches of a wide variety of disciplines involved with Asperger‘s children and their parents such as social workers, nurses, teachers, doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, speech therapists. Also it involves using the knowledge and information of parents themselves.

The author recognizes that within scientific, educational, social and medical fields there are widely divergent viewpoints and opinions. This material is written for the express purpose of sharing educational information gathered from the experiences of the author and other people in the areas mentioned above.

None of the information contained in this e-Book is intended to diagnose, prevent, treat, or cure Asperger‘s, nor is it intended to prescribe any of the techniques, materials or concepts presented as a form of treatment for Asperger‘s.

Before beginning any practice relating to Asperger‘s it is highly recommended that you first obtain the consent and advice of a qualified health, education or social care professional. Should you choose to make use of the information contained herein without first consulting a health, education or social care professional, you are prescribing for yourself, which is your inalienable right. However, the author assumes no responsibility for the choices you make after your review of the information contained herein and your consultation with a qualified health, education or social care professional.

None of the statements in this article or in the book have been evaluated by the Food & Drug Administration (FDA), or the American Medical Association (AMA). Every effort has been

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

made to accurately represent this product and its potential. However your level of success in attaining the results claimed in this program depends on the time and effort that you devote to the program, ideas and techniques mentioned. Results will vary for people on an individual basis. We cannot guarantee your success nor are we responsible for any of your actions.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Introduction Hi there, I just wanted to add a quick introduction at the start of this resource. Now I‘ve been helping families online with children who have Aspergers since 2006. And whilst I have been aware along the way of some girls with Aspergers; it‘s been a very small minority.

But over the past couple of years I have noticed the amount of, often discontented parents, of girls with Aspergers growing. I‘ve read a number of email and blog entries asking me why I don‘t do anything specifically for girls; because they are so desperate for this help. So that‘s why this resource has come about.

A couple of months ago now I sent out an online survey to parents of girls with Aspergers (maybe you filled it in?) and was quite astounded to receive over 300 replies and answers. So the survey has formed the basis of this resource, to specifically help parents with girls who have Aspergers.

I hope that this resource proves valuable to you, and as ever I always appreciate feedback by email. All that‘s left is for me to say good luck and I hope you enjoy this resource.

Thanks,

Dave Angel

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Symptoms and Diagnosis for Girls with Aspergers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Do the symptoms of Aspergers differ for girls, and if so what are they?

This is an interesting question that many concerned parents ask themselves. Many girls with Aspergers go unnoticed for years without receiving a diagnosis. It is important to remember that the signs and symptoms of Aspergers differ greatly by your child‘s individual personality and gender. Only a certified doctor trained in diagnosing Aspergers can make the final decision on whether your child has Aspergers.

Yes, the symptoms of Aspergers can differ for girls. The vast majority of children diagnosed with Aspergers are boys. Many girls do not get a proper diagnosis because of the emotional processing differences. For example, girls are not as likely to act out when they get angry or frustrated, but boys generally bring a great deal of attention to themselves when problems arise. Part of the problem in identifying the symptoms is the way that adults and peers treat males and females. Girls are more nurturing, and boys are less nurturing. Girls tend to support and comfort their peers, and they are less likely to become bullies or become victims of bullies. Girls have internal symptoms that do not manifest in their behavior.

The following list contains the most common symptoms of Aspergers in girls:

*

*

Sensory Processing

o

Aversion to specific smells

o

Extreme or no response to certain noises

o

Dislike of activities that require movement (Ex. slides)

o

Enjoy sensory experiences (Ex. Rocking)

o

Dislike for certain clothes, textures, objects, or foods

Routines

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

*

*

o

Dislike change

o

Fixation on a certain subject

o

Ritualistic behaviors with not function

o

Anxious during changes of routine

Physical

o

Repetitive movements

o

Strange posturing

o

Difficulty with coordinating movement

Social Issues

o

Scripted daily behavior

o

Excessive shyness

o

Blend into crowds well

o

Avoid any type of interaction with others

o

Wait before making the first move

o

Uncomfortable appearance during conversations

o

Mimic the responses of others instead of providing natural responses.

Parents must make sure that their sweet little daughters‘ reserved, quiet nature is not overlooked as Aspergers. They are generally better with keeping routines and order than males with Aspergers. Even though girls do not display symptoms the same way that boys do, the symptoms are still there internally. They may not have the ability to measure feelings, thoughts, and intentions of others so if they go diagnosed, they may suffer from internal distress as they try to interact with other children and with adults.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Why is it so difficult to diagnose Aspergers in Girls?

Statistics show that boys are as much as ten times more probable to receive the diagnosis of Asperger's.

Girls are often left undiagnosed because the condition seems to manifest differently in girls. While boys may have a textbook case of Asperger's Syndrome, girls are more likely to appear normal. Here are a few of the classic characteristics of Asperger's Syndrome along with the differences found in girls.

* Social communication weakness is one of the most common characteristics of Asperger's. Girls, however, are less likely to let weak social skills keep them from fitting in and making friends. Girls are naturally more social than boys are. Therefore, they are not diagnosed due to their perceived higher level of social ability.

* Rigidity or inflexible thinking can cause boys with Asperger's to have serious behavioral problems. On the other hand, girls are more likely to try to adapt in most situations.

* Obsessive interests are very common in boys with Asperger's. Girls also have obsessive interests. Yet, girls seem to become obsessive over typical interests like horses or drawing, while boys become obsessed with less predictable interests like train schedules or pocket watches.

* Boys with Asperger's seem lost when surrounded by a group of peers, while girls will use natural instincts to fit in with the crowd. Girls will pick up on the behaviors of others while the boys seem to be clueless about clothing rules and typical mannerisms.

* Boys with Asperger's Syndrome are more likely to stand out due to awkward gait. While gross motor skills are not always an issue, they tend to be more common in boys.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

When girls are diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, they are much more likely than boys are to receive and actively participate in therapy sessions that deal with the feelings caused by the diagnosis. Girls are also more likely to show an increase in skills due to this therapy and due to the general differences in how Asperger's affects them

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Can you give an overview and explanation of the unique presentation of Aspergers in girls?

It is often said that the differences between girls and boys extends to Asperger‘s Syndrome. Boys are much more commonly diagnosed and are usually diagnosed earlier than girls are. The diagnosis is important because without it, many girls are not offered the assistance and treatment they need to become independent adults. Here are several theories about the differences in Asperger‘s Syndrome in girls.



Girls‘ obsessions are not as unconventional as boys‘ obsessions sometimes are. Girls are more likely to become obsessively interested in dolls or horses, while boys may become obsessed with train schedules or baseball statistics. Since most young girls love dolls or horses, it is easy to think the obsession is within normal.



Girls are usually more socially able than boys are. Girls are taught to be loving and likeable while boys are taught to be physically active and to hide their emotions.



Girls are less likely to have problem behaviors that interrupt school and family time. Girls are more often taught to sit quietly and keep negative feelings private. Boys are taught to stand up for themselves and to be tough.



Girls usually show little interest in physical activity like sports or rough play, which makes it harder to see possible awkwardness or poor motor skills.



Girls are more likely to learn proper responses by watching others and mimicking their behavior. Boys are less likely to observe and internalize the social behavior of others.



Girls often have different symptoms than boys. Girls usually have normal or near normal motor skills, have more special interests, and more yearning for social connections.

While some experts are not confident that there are true differences in Asperger‘s Syndrome in boys and girls, most agree that it can be a possibility in some cases. Much more research is necessary to prove that these differences exist, and to make diagnosis and treatment for girls with Asperger‘s Syndrome more uniform.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

How do you explain that being different (with Aspergers) is ok and you are not a freak (as my daughter says)?

Having a diagnosis of Asperger‘s Syndrome can be difficult for a child to accept. Most likely, your daughter has always felt she was a little different from other kids. It is not easy being different. School peers can be relentless. The characteristics of kids with Asperger‘s Syndrome may cause them to stand out, which gives bullies a chance to act. The social awkwardness can cause them to retreat and become lonely.

The fact is we are all alike as well as different. Each and every one of us has something going on that makes us feel awkward, different, or even freaky. Some of us hide our discomfort much more effectively than others do. Help your daughter understand that, just because her difference has a name, she is not really that different at all. With a little help, she can blend in with the crowd.

1. Social skills training can help her feel better about herself. Most schools have social skills groups, peer mentoring, or at least some form of social skills therapy. If her school does not, search for social skills groups in your community. Check with your daughter‘s physician or her therapists for suggestions. You can also contact your local Autism support group for local events. If none can be found, search for groups or clubs focused on her special interest. 2. Find ways to build your daughter‘s self-esteem. Is she involved in any groups or clubs at school or in her spare time? Her special interest is something she is extremely knowledgeable in and that could be used to build her confidence. Always talk positively about her and to her. Encourage her to dress nicely and wear current styles. 3. Consider individual counseling for your daughter. Hearing her attributes from an expert can help her feel better about herself. A caring professional with Asperger‘s Syndrome experience can give her the tools she needs to be a positive and confident young woman.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 13 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

4. Tell your daughter that it is okay to be a little different. Who wants to be a plain Jane when you can be so much more? It takes a special person to own her weaknesses and proudly display her strengths. Your daughter is an intelligent young girl and should be proud of who she is, Asperger‘s Syndrome and all.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 14 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Issues faced by parents of girls diagnosed in middle school.

A diagnosis of Asperger‘s Syndrome in middle school can bring relief, as well as fear and confusion, for both the girl and her parents. This diagnosis may explain many of the girl‘s challenges. At the same time, it may also explain her strengths. Now the family, school, and medical team can develop a treatment plan that addresses all concerns.

It is not uncommon for children, especially girls, to receive the Asperger‘s Syndrome diagnosis as late as middle school, or even later. Asperger‘s looks a bit different in girls than it does in boys, making it a little bit harder to pinpoint the diagnosis. Once the diagnosis has been given, it is important that the girl has the proper support. Here are some of the issues that may take place after a middle school diagnosis of Asperger‘s Syndrome.



Depression is common in children and teens with Asperger‘s Syndrome. It is hard to feel different. Talk to a doctor or psychologist if you think your girl is suffering from depression. Therapy and medications can alleviate her symptoms.



Watch for attempted isolation, a common characteristic of Asperger‘s. Isolation should be avoided. Keep your girl busy with activities that she enjoys.



Anger and acting out can accompany a diagnosis. When things happen to us that we cannot control, we manifest those feelings in other ways. Just like depression, anger is an attempt to control an uncontrollable situation. Counseling can help.



Dropping grades are a sign that something is not right. Check with school personnel to see what the cause may be. Kids with Asperger‘s Syndrome are very often bullied.



With the diagnosis may come a loss of friends, and friendships are already difficult to maintain. Some people do not understand Asperger‘s Syndrome and will not want to deal with it. Help your girl understand that real friends will stick around. Find social opportunities so she has a chance to make new friends.

An important issue to remember is that, while some girls find relief in having an answer to why they feel different, others will be devastated knowing they are not like everyone else.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 15 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Thankfully, many girls will be able to balance between the negative and positive feelings with help from their families.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 16 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Pre-Teenage Girls with Aspergers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 17 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

How and what do I tell my 10 year old daughter about sex without her freaking out and feeling uncomfortable?

The topic of sex is probably the conversation that the majority of parents do not want to have with their children. You should be commended for wanting to have this conversation with your child because many parents do not. Instead, their children learn many inappropriate and incorrect things about sex that children should not know. It is always a good idea that parents have this conversation with their children before their peers do.

I do not think that you should go into great detail with your 10-year-old daughter about sex. It is probably best that you skim the surface and just provide her with the basic details about sex. I think that you should approach the conversation by telling your daughter that sex is something that happens between two adults who love each other. Depending on whether you are a religious person or not, you may want to tell her that sex is something that happens between two married adults who love each other. Many parents want their children to wait until they are married to have sex so this is the best approach if this is true.

I think that it is important to let her know that children are the products of sex and that children are a huge responsibility. Give her examples of family and friends who are happily married, or give her example of adults who have children. Tell her that sex is something that she should wait until she is an adult to do. Talk to her about her dreams and aspirations for her future. You may even want to sit down with her and let her write out a plan for her future. At the end, let her know that sex is something that she will experience one day as an adult but only after she has lived her life and reached dreams.

I do not think that you should go into greater detail about sex with her. She doesn‘t need to know great detail about the physical act of sex because she is too young. As she gets to middle school and high school, you will need to go into more details of sex with her because it is likely that some of her friends will already be engaging in sex at that age. Again, I want

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 18 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

to commend you on taking the first step in talking about sex with your 10-year-old daughter. Keep the conversation simple so that she feels comfortable.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 19 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

My 11 year old cannot deal with the fact that she is growing up. There is going to come a time that we have to explain to her about the birds and the bees and the changes in her physical body. She still wants to be a little girl and she battles with the idea that she is growing up. How do we approach her with this sensitive subject?

Puberty can be a very complicated time in a child‘s life. Your daughter is still a little girl at eleven years old, but on the verge of becoming a young woman. How frightening! Asperger‘s Syndrome makes puberty even more difficult. The transition and the changes can be hard to deal with.

As you know, children with Asperger‘s Syndrome tend to mature much slower than other children do. At eleven, your daughter is old enough to begin noticing the physical changes of puberty. However, she may be several years younger developmentally than her true age. Unfortunately, the changes of puberty come whether we are emotionally ready for them or not. Here are five suggestions that may help.

1. Be informative. Give your daughter the information she needs, but on an appropriate time frame for her. Keep both her developmental age and her physical age in mind when you explain different aspects of growing up. Answer all of her questions as completely as possible, to her level of understanding. 2. Be factual. Use proper descriptive words and names. Do not omit information because of discomfort or embarrassment. Because of Asperger‘s Syndrome, she will not automatically develop the reasoning and acceptance that other girls do. 3. Be prepared. Begin now to prepare her for puberty. Find social stories about puberty that are written about girls. There are books and videos available to help you with this life-changing situation. Ask questions to find out how much she knows and how she feels about these changes. Watch for signs of changes so that you are ready to tackle any problems. 4. Be direct. Handle her resistance with firm, yet gentle guidance. Explain what is happening as it happens.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 20 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

5. Be positive. Try to keep any negativity to a minimum. Talk about the changes that are coming as happy changes, assuring her that growing up is not something to be afraid of or to dread.

Everyone grows up. We have absolutely no control over the changes that come with puberty. Remind your daughter with Asperger‘s Syndrome when she complains that growing up is a part of life and it does not have to be a bad thing. With positive and gentle persuasion, your daughter can come to terms with the transition from childhood to adulthood.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 21 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

My 11-year-old girl with Aspergers has mood swings, what can I do about them?

A common complaint from parents of children with Asperger's is dealing with the mood swings and meltdowns that are a component of Asperger's Syndrome. Emotional interaction and social communication are difficult for these children. These difficulties cause frustration that has to be relieved in some manner. Hence, the reckless mood swings.

In addition, puberty wreaks havoc on the preteen girl. Truthfully, it wreaks havoc on the preteen boy, but you don't hear about it as much. Girls struggle through the hormone changes, growth spurts, and onset of menstruation, fighting to keep their sanity and identity. Can you imagine the confusion and frustration puberty causes within the young lady with Asperger's?

We know that puberty and Asperger's Syndrome are not friends. So, what can we do about it? Here are a few things you can try that may ease your daughter's mood swings.

* Medical advice-A trip to the doctor is in order to rule out any medical conditions that could be causing problems. For example, something as simple as unmentioned headaches could be causing your daughter misery, attributing to mood swings.

* Medication options-Consult the physician about using medication to relieve anxiety and/or depression. If you have considered using natural, or biomedical supplements, now is a good time to get a doctor's opinion on using any of these options to treat your daughter's mood swings.

* Counseling-Your daughter may benefit from counseling. A psychologist can help her manage the issues of Asperger's that cause her trouble. Social skills therapy and behavioral therapy will allow your daughter to cope better with life in general. Group therapy will permit

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 22 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

a chance to practice these therapy techniques on her peers, teaching her ways to carry what she has learned into her daily schedule.

* Educational planning-Enlist the assistance of your daughter's school support team. It is important that all of your daughter's support: medical, emotional/behavioral, educational, and family work together to make her life mission go as smoothly as possible.

* Information-Provide your daughter with the facts about Asperger's Syndrome and puberty. Appeal to her need for information, but keep it on a level she can comprehend. Children with Asperger's are intelligent and have a natural hunger for knowledge. Many resources available are written directly to the child, or are in video form.

Mood swings are an unfortunate part of Asperger's Syndrome, but there are ways to make life better. Your concern for your daughter will lead you to discover the best course of action for your family.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 23 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Why is it that my 12 year old daughter cannot notice how loud she speaks no matter what the setting?

The lack of voice volume control and consistency are common complaints due to Asperger‘s Syndrome. Children with Asperger‘s Syndrome often talk too loudly in situations that call for a soft voice. For example, you can tell your daughter to talk softly in the library, but you will have to remind her many times each trip. She just does not recognize the concept. The main causes of this problem may be sensory issues and speech issues or deficits.

Some children with Asperger‘s Syndrome are hypersensitive, meaning they are sensitive to loud noises, crowds, bright lights, and light touch, to name a few symptoms. Other children with Asperger‘s are hyposensitive, meaning it takes a lot of input to command a response. This could be contributing to your daughter‘s voice volume issue.

Children with Asperger‘s Syndrome struggle with social communication, which includes talking clearly and with meaning, using correct tone and volume in all situations, understanding slang, understanding social cues, and recognizing social gestures. These are all issues that can be corrected or improved with speech therapy.

It is important that your daughter learn to control the volume of her voice. This can be addressed during her therapies. If she is not currently receiving therapies at school, you can request evaluations. If she is receiving therapies at school, you can request a meeting to discuss issues that are not currently covered. You also have the choice to seek private therapies or to pursue therapy activities in your home. There are many programs published and available for families.

Sensory (Occupational) therapy will improve your daughter‘s sensory integration. While not an exact voice therapy, treating any hypo sensitivities will likely improve many underlying issues that are seemingly unrelated to sensory integration. Sensory therapy options are school-provided, private sources, or home programs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 24 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Speech and language therapy will improve many of your daughter‘s communication deficits. Fluency, volume or resonance, expressive, and receptive language are some of the areas that can be addressed during speech therapy. Speech therapy is provided by school therapists, parents with the help of home curriculum, or through a referral from her physician.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 25 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Teenage Girls with Aspergers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 26 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Can you give me some “rules of dating” for my teen daughter with Aspergers?

I can imagine how you feel now that your daughter is at the age to begin dating. I think that it is very important that you set rules for your daughter with Aspergers as she begins dating. Spend much of your time discussing non-verbal body language and her social issues that may lead to problems while dating. She needs to understand the importance of personal space and interacting properly with her date and others. I think that this is the biggest obstacle that your child has to overcome.

I think that you should encourage your daughter to group date as much as possible. Teens have raging hormones that parents cannot control. Dating in groups may prevent her from getting into those situations that parents do not want, and it takes some of the pressure of dating off everyone in the group. They are less likely to feel pressured to do things that they do not want.

I would also set dates and times that she can date. She should not be allowed to go out whenever she wants to do so. You have to set limits with her because you are an adult. Do not let her convince you to be lenient with the dates and times. I think that you should also require that she let you know about her dates in advanced. Do not allow her to tell you about a date as she is walking out the door. She needs to understand that you are the adult, and you are in control of the situation—not her.

You should also require that she tell you where she is going. She should not be allowed to go wherever she wants to without letting you know. If they change plans and go somewhere else for the date, she should let you know immediately. Children should not have the free reign to control their dating situation—even if they are teens.

I would also have a subtle conversation with her about the dreaded conversation of sex. She just needs to know that this is something that she should not do on dates. Give her a few reasons and discuss the repercussions of a bad decision to have sex on a date. This

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 27 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

conversation should not be avoided because far too many teens are indulging in sex these days than ever before.

Make sure that you establish your rules in the beginning. Do not allow too much flexibility in the rules that you think are important. It is your job to protect your daughter, and this is what you need to tell yourself when she tries to get you to change the rules.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 28 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

How can I help my daughter to avoid being sexually exploited by boys who might say or do anything for sex?

This has to be every parent‘s nightmare. School-aged children experience some things that they should and some things that they should not. No children should become victim of another student trying to exploit them sexually.

Girls with Aspergers are a particular concern because they fit in well with crowds and they are very nurturing. They normally are not as socially withdrawn as boys are so their behaviors go unnoticed. The first thing you need to do is have a conversation with your daughter about how boys and girls are different. Boys do not always have good intentions when they say certain things to girls. Use role play to demonstrate some examples of subtle inappropriate things that boys may say to your daughter. Give her mild explanations of what boys may say and offer her suggestions for things to say and do when these inappropriate situations occur.

I think that as boys and girls get older, their hormones begin to rage and bad things can happen. It may be a good idea to encourage your daughter that she should keep a female friend around her at all time. It helps when a child with Aspergers has a friend who does not have Aspergers. Since children with Aspergers have trouble interpreting nonverbal cues, it may be a good idea that your daughter has a friend around that can protect her when these situations arise.

Another good idea is to monitor the types of clothing your daughter wears out in public when you are not around. Boys may take advantage of her or say inappropriate things to her. Excessively tight or short clothing may cause problems and see through or revealing clothing may send the wrong message. This may be a battle for you as a parent as many kids these days wear these types of clothing and she may think that it is unfair that she is not afforded the same right.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 29 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

You want to keep your daughter as busy as possible. Maximize on those special interests that she has. Enroll her in as many activities as possible so that she does not have the time to become a victim of sexual exploitation.

It may be impossible to avoid some situations—especially since you cannot be with your daughter at all times. Talk to her as often as possible to find out what is going on in her world so that you can decide how to approach the issues in her daily life.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 30 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

What do I need to know about my teenage girl with Aspergers?

As you probably know, it is a little different for a girl with Asperger's Syndrome compared to a boy with Asperger's Syndrome.

Often, girls are diagnosed much later in life than boys, sometimes as late as adulthood. The characteristics manifest differently in girls. Because of this, girls may spend years trying to cope on their own without the benefit of any type of therapy or special accommodations. Once they reach the teen years, serious problems can occur.

Boys with Asperger's Syndrome are not as observant, are more aggressive, and are not as eager to make social connections as a girl with Asperger's is. Girls tend to be much less aggressive and more willing to please others. Girls are more passive, drawing less attention than boys are. They have the same basic challenges, but much less obvious. However, the challenges are there and can cause much grief during the teen years.

Your girl with Asperger's is now a teenager. These are the prime years for socialization, relationships, and preparing for adulthood. These are likely the biggest problem areas your girl will face. Until now, she has learned to manage social interactions by watching others, copying other girls' clothing choices and mannerisms. She may continue to do well with this method of self-regulation on the outside, but inside she may really be suffering. The teen social life can get pretty complex and complicated. Here are a few things to watch for during the teen years.

*

Depression is very common in teens with Asperger's. There can be many reasons for

depression and it may be hard to catch in girls. Girls are more likely to try to hide negative feelings. Watch for signs of depression and follow through with appropriate treatment.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 31 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

*

Anxiety is also very common and can do much damage if gone unchecked. Coping skills,

redirection, or prescription medications may be needed to reduce anxiety during the teen years.

*

Sexuality is a big topic during the teen years. Unfortunately, girls with Asperger's are

usually more socially unaware than other girls are and can unknowingly become a victim. Discussing sex with your teen is not optional. She must know the facts about relationships, dating, and sexuality.

It is important to watch out for the well-being of your girl with Asperger's during the teen years. Handling negative subjects like depression and sexual predatory behavior openly will give her the tools she needs to become a knowledgeable and positive young woman.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 32 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

I have a 14 yr. Old daughter with Aspergers whose mind turns off from time to time when she is asked to perform something as simple as: "Go into the house and get my blue purse off of the washing machine right next to the yellow phone book". When she gets there, she has no idea what she is there for. She draws a complete blank and gets VERY frustrated. What is this type of behavior (mind going blank) related to and how can it be dealt with as a student, parent and help the school deal with it.

Many children with Asperger's Syndrome suffer from a symptom called mind blindness. This is a term that encompasses many things. It basically means that a person has an inability to see something in her mind. This can be an inability to see something from another person's point of view. It can mean that a person simply has inflexibility in her thought process that can create difficulties with problem solving, impulse control, flexibility and planning.

It can be very frustrating to be hampered by this type of thinking. If you have ever walked into a room, intent on doing something and found yourself having completely forgotten why you walked into the room in the first place, you can empathize with her daughter's frustration. This condition probably causes her anxiety as well. When she is presented with a task that has multiple steps, she will most likely become nervous that she won't perform well.

There are a few practical things you can do to help your daughter cope. One simple way to handle the situation is to try to see whether or not writing the steps down will help your daughter remember. She can practice taking simple notes about the verbal directions she receives. If she is a visual learner, this might help her process the directions and to be able to successfully complete them. This could help at school as well. If her teacher tends to give verbal directions for classwork and homework, your daughter can learn to take notes about the directions or can ask for special written directions to be created for her.

Your daughter needs to understand that she has the ability to go back and ask for the directions again. If she gets into the house and gets to the washing machine but forgets what

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 33 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

to do next, she needs to feel comfortable going back to you to ask again what to do next. This reinforces her ability to take charge of the situation and it takes the anxiety out of the situation. If she feels free to ask questions and to correct her own mistakes, she'll feel more confident.

Your daughter can eventually learn to compensate for these behaviors if she finds tricks that will work for her. She can write things down, she can turn the direction into rhymes in her head or short songs, she can turn the words into pictures in her head or on paper – whatever seems to work best for her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 34 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

What can I do to prepare my 14 year old daughter on being able to survive in this world?

Every parent of a child with Asperger‘s Syndrome has the same wish: to see their child grow up and become a happy, well-adjusted, and successful adult member of the community. It is important for parents to prepare their child with Asperger‘s Syndrome for a future of possibilities. This diagnosis is usually a condition that can be worked around. A positive attitude, patience, and preparation will make a big difference. Starting while your daughter is young will give her a good amount of time to develop a strong base of skills before she reaches adulthood. Here are some things you can do to help your daughter prepare for the future.

1. Basic daily living skills are the foundation for adulthood. What are basic daily living skills? Personal hygiene is an important one. Your daughter needs to know the importance of regular bathing, shampooing, dental care, and overall cleanliness. She also needs to know about running a household. Laundry, household chores, and yard work are good places to start. Can she cook a meal without help? Can she balance a check book? All of these skills are necessary for independent living. 2. Organizational skills are often lacking in teens with Asperger‘s Syndrome. Your daughter needs to know how to manage her time, keep up with appointments, finances, and important papers. Can she pay bills without help? Can she handle a long-term assignment and meet the deadline? Can she remember not only important dates and appointments, but also the simple, mundane details of independent living? Organizational skills are major skills to have to function properly in society. 3. Now is the time to begin making college and career plans. Local community colleges, technical schools, state colleges, and private colleges are all viable choices for teens with Asperger‘s Syndrome. Each option will produce its own set of goals and will depend on your daughter‘s functional ability. Focusing a career path on her special interest is sure to create success. Her post-secondary education should be the best possible match to a career she desires.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 35 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

With some advanced planning and serious preparation, your daughter with Asperger‘s Syndrome can go to college, hold a job, and live independently. With your support, she can be a productive member of society.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 36 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

I have a 15 year old daughter who has Aspergers. We are having all sorts of trouble getting her to follow everyday rules, especially where school is concerned. She is already onto her third school in 3 years due to her resistance to following the rules regarding makeup, phone and basically the dress code that is required. Also a lot of her problem is her social inability which causes a lot of concern because we have been having major dramas with her making and maintaining friendships due to her high demand and control issues. Do you think that I should put her back on some sort of medication to try and de-stress her a bit as we are slowly running out of options?

Most parents want to try every behavior modification possible to try to change unwanted behavior before they turn to medication for their child. In this instance, it sounds as though your daughter is having a great deal of trouble dealing with the boundaries and rules of home and school.

One of the first things you can try is to contact the school and set up a behavior plan with the teachers and administrators. Meet with the teachers first to talk about what they feel are your daughter's strengths and weaknesses. Try to work through a plan of expectations and rewards with the teachers. It would then be time to bring your daughter in to meet with the team and to learn the behavior plan that has been created. She will need to buy into the plan and commit to trying to follow the rules set out for her. She needs to clearly understand what the consequences will be if she fails to meet the expectations set out for her, both at home and at school.

Be clear to your daughter that her behaviors at school and at home are connected. You will be in contact with the teachers and the teachers will be enforcing consequences as well as you will be enforcing consequences at home as well. She may initially balk at this, feeling trapped, but if you can help her through to a place where she will stop feeling trapped and begin to feel supported, you can begin to make some progress with her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 37 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Try to help your daughter find some school related activity she can participate in that might make her feel a part of the school experience and that might help her find a more built in social network. If your daughter is interested in drama, she might want to take a drama class or participate in a drama club. If she is interested in music, she might participate in the band or in a music club. Help her find a way to connect with both her peers and her school by participating in an extracurricular activity.

Try to involve a therapist who can help her with her social issues as well as with her behavior issues. Your daughter has trouble making and keeping friends and she could use some support on these issues. It is often a good idea, with teenagers, to have this support come from someone other than parents or teachers.

Talk with this therapist and with your daughter's physician to determine whether or not returning to medication might help her through this difficult time. If you make the decision to return to medication, be sure to inform your child's teachers. They can help evaluate whether or not the medication is being effective in helping to change her behavior.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 38 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

My daughter won't take care of self care issues or wear a bra. She is now a teenager. What should I do?

Problems with personal hygiene are very common with teenagers who have Asperger's. No one knows exactly why, but they may feel that refusing to bathe, wear clean clothes, and maintain good personal hygiene gives them control over their own lives. Or they may avoid these tasks because:

* They have difficulty with sequencing the washing/bathing, tooth brushing, or dressing routines;

* They need verbal prompts to keep from getting distracted;

* They have difficulties with motor skills which might make getting toothpaste on a toothbrush difficult, for example;

* They are hypersensitive to touch, smells, or the feel of clothes on the skin which makes it difficult and unpleasant to brush teeth, have a shower, brush hair, use soap and deodorant, or put on clothes;

* They don't understand the health benefits of keeping clean.

The first step is to sit down and discuss with your teen the benefits of staying clean, brushing teeth, wearing clean clothes, etc. Be very specific. Make a chart of the benefits associated with each task and post it in the teen's room. Make sure that the benefits you list include benefits for your teen, as well as others. Some children with Aspergers don't really care if others think they smell bad! So, include specific benefits to your teen, such as: "Taking a bath or shower makes me smell and look nice so I will find it easier to make friends." Also,

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 39 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

include health benefits such as not getting head lice, helping to avoid acne, keeping teeth from decaying, etc.

Next, make hygiene as painless as possible. Try to use incandescent light bulbs in place of florescent light bulbs in her room and the bathroom. Florescent bulbs buzz softly and annoy young people with Aspergers. Keep the rooms clean. Be sure that all soaps, shampoos, deodorants, etc. are free of scent. Get a non-stinging shampoo. Get a roll-on deodorant as some children with Aspergers hate aerosols. Keep trying various products until you find ones your child likes. Don't get upset over taking a bath vs. a shower; either will do. Find a toothpaste she likes. Maybe your child would like to wear swim goggles, use extremely soft washcloths and towels (flannel is good), or use bath gel. A soft absorbent bathrobe to put on after bathing helps the child with Aspergers stay warm when getting out of the tub. Using a timer or timed electric toothbrush works well for tooth brushing.

Choose clothing that is loose fitting, soft, and comfortable for your child. Remove all labels and wash with non-scented fabric softener. Teach your child how to put on each article of clothing, step by step (if needed). Bras are notoriously uncomfortable. Try having your daughter wear a soft sports bra. When you find a piece of clothing your child likes to wear, buy more than one.

Establish a method and a time for each task you want your child to complete each day and teach her to repeat it the same way every time. Provide a check list for each task and a large chart to check off task completion every day. Provide a reward for each task completed. As rewards, teens like: time on the computer (no tasks completed = no use of the computer that day), tickets or tokens that can be collected and traded for treats or privileges, money (a few cents for each task). You must be consistent and on-the-ball to maintain the reward system.

Also, if your teen is very resistant, you can use a training method called successive approximation. What that means is that you should get as close as you can to the goal without hitting the child's resistance. Teach each goal in tiny steps. Reward the

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 40 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

"approximate" success of each step. Stay at each step until you can move a tiny bit closer and reward the next step. Keep moving closer and closer to the ultimate goal and keep rewarding the child until the goal is achieved. Keep rewarding the child each time the goal is completed. An example of this is to convince your daughter to wear a bra by:

1. Having her pick up and look at a very soft bra, while you explain the reasons for wearing it (modesty, support for the breasts so they don't sag, helping clothes look nice).

2. Demonstrating how you personally put on and wear a bra and again explaining why, as you did in #1.

3. Having her put the bra around her waist for a few seconds.

4. Having her put the bra around her waist for 2 minutes, then 5.

5. Having her put the bra around her waist and pull it up over her breasts, but not put the straps on her shoulders.

6. Have her put the bra completely on, including putting the straps on her shoulders, and then immediately take it off.

7. Have her wear the bra for 1 minute in private.

8. Have her wear the bra for 2 minutes in private.

9. Keep increasing the wear time by 1 minute per day in private.

10. When she gets to 5 minutes, have her put her blouse on over it for 5 minutes in private.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 41 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

11. Increase the wear time by 1 minute per day and let her roam the house as she normally would.

12. After she has worked up to 20 minutes, plan a brief errand and have her wear the bra while the two of you complete the errand.

13. Increase the amount of time she wears the bra each day by 5 minutes until she wears it all day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 42 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

My daughter is 17 years old and socially she doesn’t want to interact with people. She wants to stay home alone all the time plus she’s gained lots of weight I am really confused I need help to deal with her.

Depression and isolation are probably the most talked about problems associated with Asperger‘s Syndrome in teenagers. Already a difficult time, the teen years can be crushing if you feel you are different from your peers. Teens with Asperger‘s Syndrome sometimes feel it is easier to avoid others than to work at making things better. Unfortunately, living with the symptoms of Asperger‘s Syndrome can bring on depression, and that can cause a person to give up on life.

Emotional pain is damaging to your daughter‘s physical and mental health. By isolating herself, she has found a way to avoid awkward and painful situations. Food has become her friend and her crutch. Here are some things you can do to help improve your daughter‘s outlook on life.



Keep healthy food choices available for your daughter, limiting junk food, soda, and processed foods. Healthy eating has many benefits, including maintaining a healthy weight and physical well-being.



Supplements can help with your daughter‘s nutritional and emotional needs. A good multivitamin is a must, along with supplements that support emotional health. Supplements like St. John‘s Wort, Chromium, and 5-HTP are commonly used as mood lifters. Before adding any type of natural supplement, be sure to get the okay from her physician. You must make sure that there will be no interference with any medical conditions or medications that your daughter is already taking.



Exercise is a natural mood lifter. A short walk around the block will be good for her outlook, as well as her waistline.



Sunlight is necessary for good health. As little as 20 minutes a day in the sun will make your daughter feel better.



Counseling is the next step, especially if the above tips fail to motivate her. A therapist

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 43 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

can help your daughter learn and apply coping skills, as well as give her an outlet for voicing her feelings and concerns. 

Do not be afraid to try antidepressants if she is still struggling. Her doctor may recommend a combination of medications to help her find balance.

Teens with Asperger‘s Syndrome do not have to live a dark, isolated existence. With your support, your daughter can take the steps necessary to become a participant in her community. Making a few small changes at a time, you can shine a positive light on your daughter‘s depression and isolation.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 44 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

I would like to see some strategies I can use to try to help my daughter manage her own stress when she becomes confused about a situation. She is a teenager now and still has meltdowns when frustrated. They are harder to deal with in a teenager as they are louder and she is stronger. I need a way for her to manage her own stress instead of me using techniques to calm her down.

Children with Asperger‘s Syndrome often find themselves feeling out of control and stressed. Living with the symptoms of Asperger‘s Syndrome is difficult. The awkwardness of low social skills, sensory issues, and difficulty with change can create serious confusion, anxiety and stress. Most stress situations occur quickly and must be diffused before reaching a full-blown meltdown. Stress management is a necessary skill your daughter should learn before reaching adulthood.

The first step your daughter must master is acknowledging and owning her triggers. Some triggers will be quite obvious while others will surface as she grows, from new situations. The best time to teach this concept is when she is relaxed and not during a stressful period of time. Once she has mastered this step, she will be ready to move on to practicing selfcontrol. Here are some tips.

*

Teach your daughter to walk away from stressful situations. This will have to happen

early, before she is too stressed to think straight. For example, if she is feeling stressed by a conversation the two of you are having, she can excuse herself for a bathroom break. Removing herself from the situation will diffuse it.

*

Teach your daughter to practice deep breathing. In the early minutes of a stressful

situation, deep belly breathing really can help calm her down.

*

Help your daughter find a quiet zone. This is a place she can go to when she is

feeling overwhelmed. It can be a corner of her bedroom or even a walk-in closet. She should have a spot like this at school, too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 45 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

*

Counseling sessions may help your daughter learn more about her triggers while

giving her strategies to remain calm. If counseling is an option, look for someone who has experience with Autism and Asperger‘s Syndrome.

Unfortunately, learning and applying stress management techniques will take a lot of practice. In the meantime, it will be up to the adults in your daughter‘s life to keep her on the right track. Use the techniques you normally use to try to diffuse her stress. Redirection is one of the best techniques if you can catch the situation early.

If your daughter‘s stress remains uncontrollable, it may be necessary to try medications. Your daughter‘s physician or neurologist can evaluate and prescribe medications. Antidepressants, anti-anxiety drugs, and mood stabilizers are used quite often to treat the symptoms of Asperger‗s Syndrome, as well as drugs for OCD and ADHD.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 46 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Can you give me tips for dealing with PMS in my daughter with Aspergers?

PMS is a hard time for any female in the world—especially those with Aspergers. Combine their emotional struggles during PMS with your child‘s sensory issues and PMS is intensified by 100%. There are always ways to balance the frustrations and aggravation that comes with those monthly PMS symptoms:

1. The first thing that you can do is find a way to get her to relax. You and your daughter can participate in something together—such as volunteering or playing a game—to relax your daughters mind. It may be a good idea that you find something to participate in that she really enjoys. Occupying her time and thoughts with something positive may take her mind off her PMS symptoms.

2. Exercise is always a good idea. This may be very limited if your daughter does not like activities that involve noise or movement. There are many things that the two of you can do together like walking, exercise classes, cleaning the yard, dusting the home, etc. As her mother, you know the things that your daughter enjoys doing. Add some variety so that she does not become bored quickly.

3. You may want to take her to the doctor as well. Medication may help with PMS symptoms. There are over the counter PMS medications that you can give your daughter, but if she is currently on other medications, it may be a good idea to talk to her doctor before starting any new medications so that one medicine does not counteract with another. If you do not like the idea of your daughter taking medication, you may want to consider using a homeopathic doctor to suggest a few remedies. Homeopathic doctors use all natural remedies to help with symptoms. Check with your insurance company because this may be covered under your insurance.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 47 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

4. It may be a good idea to talk to your daughter when she goes through her PMS symptoms each month. Find out what she needs from you so that she does not have added stress and frustration as you try to suggest remedies. Let her tell you what she would like to do. I hope that the two of you can spend some time together bonding and having a good time. Sometimes she may want to do something and at other times, she may want to spend time alone. You have to respect her wishes unless you find her actions inappropriate, and in this case, you should take action as you see fit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 48 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Girls with Aspergers Growing Up into Adults

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 49 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Will my daughter have the necessary skills to become a mother herself one day?

Your concern is a legitimate one. Every parent wants what is best for his or her adult child. Just because your daughter has Aspergers does not mean that she will not have the skills to become a good parent someday. Your daughter is no different from anyone else. Yes, she should have the necessary skills to become a mother one day.

When your daughter becomes an adult and she is ready to become a mother, she will depend on you to guide her through the process just as every other female does. You can offer her advice and guidance once she becomes a mother. Adults with Aspergers are capable of having a loving, caring relationship with their child. You can make her experience as a mother much easier by guiding her through the process of motherhood. She will become a pro in time.

You may also want to consider discussing parenting classes with her. She may learn many interest things about parenting that can make the process of motherhood easier for her. She should consult with her doctor or find classes in her area. She will find others like herself who are eager to learn how to become a great parent. She will also have a wonderful support system that she can rely on when she needs help. We all learn from each other so this is the perfect opportunity for future mothers to learn from each other.

One of my favorite ways to handle situations with those with Aspergers is to use social stories or novels. If she learns to use social stories to help her gain a greater understanding of things while she is young, she will still have the social stories to lean on when she becomes an adult. These social stories can help your daughter gain a deeper understanding of social cues that she may not understand. Alternatively, as she gets older she may use novels to help her understand situations that are similar to her own. She may also take interest in parenting magazines that can help her to become a better parent.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 50 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

I think that as long as you provide a good support system for your daughter that she will be a wonderful mother. Parenting is a challenge for any new parents, but it gets better with time. Make sure that she is comfortable asking questions about parenting when she does not understand something. Let her know how wonderful she is at being a mother and guide her along her journey.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 51 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

My daughter is 17 years old. She wants to drive but I worry that she will go into 'Asperger's mode' and zone out while driving. When we talk about driving I explain to her that she needs to be paying attention at all times. Her response is "I don't know if I can do that." Any suggestions?

One of the first, most obvious life transitions for a teen is reaching the legal driving age. That driver's license screams adulthood and independence. Every teen dreams of the day they can jump into a car and drive away, alone and unsupervised. Yikes!

Teens with Asperger's are no different from their peers when it comes to meeting these life transitions. With a little extra preparation, your teen can be on her way to taking the driving exam and claiming her independence. This plan of action will give your daughter the transition into freedom she so desperately seeks, while giving you the peace that she is well prepared for this step toward adulthood.

Before any major life transition, a consultation with your teen's physician and any counselors are in order. The medical professionals involved in your daughter's care should have training in the well-being of the Asperger's teen. They should be able to offer guidance in this area, and in other areas of transition your teen will soon reach.

Your teen's school or community will have driving education classes. There may also be private driving schools in your area. Find a program that offers driving simulation before actual street driving. The practice in a simulator can help prepare your teen for the actual experience and expectations of paying constant attention without risk or danger.

Once you and your teen are both comfortable with her attention span and skill level, insist on extra precautions before allowing her full freedom behind the wheel. A couple of suggestions would be limiting the number of passengers at all times and driving a certain number of hours

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 52 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

accompanied by another licensed driver before driving alone. Some states have these types of requirements built into the learning process. Be sure to verify your state's laws. You may want to go above and beyond your state's requirements to ease your mind and allow for a little more maturity behind the wheel than necessary. It's better to be safe than lax in this area.

Teens with Asperger's meet this achievement with no problems and go on to function as any other teen driver. Remind her to be cautious and careful, as you remind yourself that she is capable. Remember that while your teen does have extra challenges, she will be able to meet the demands of life because of the efforts you have made to assist her in these transitions.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 53 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

My daughter will not take personal responsibility for her actions; she's now 18 so what can I do?

Even though your daughter is 18, emotionally she may be anywhere from 12 to 15 years old. She acts irresponsibly because she is functioning at 13 or 14! She will continue to mature as time passes and may catch up by the time she is 25 or so. If your daughter still lives with you, she is not an adult and you still have the responsibility of teaching her how to take responsibility for her actions. Failure to do so could lead to very serious consequences.

Your daughter may assume that because she is 18, she should have all the privileges of adulthood, but she refuses to take on the responsibilities. You must not allow this behavior. You must make it clear to her that she has to earn privileges by taking responsibility for her actions. You must establish limits and expectations that when met will help her move in the direction of independence from her parents.

"Consequential management" is a positive response to challenging or irresponsible behavior. It gives the young person with Aspergers the opportunity to make informed choices and learn from the consequences. Consequences exist within our society, and we live with the consequences of our actions on a daily basis. For each of your daughter's irresponsible behaviours, you must set clear expectations (a goal) with consequences and rewards related to each expectation. List them on a chart.

Don't start with a huge list of behaviors, consequences, and rewards. Start with one simple goal so that she learns the process and gradually add more expectations as she becomes more responsible. The first goal might be one that she almost has mastered; this will give her immediate success and get her thinking about the possibilities of compliance. Add each new goal to the chart as she progresses so she can see her progress.

Six rules provide the basis for successful consequential management:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 54 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

• Define your expectations of appropriate behavior, very specifically, for example,

1. "You will return home each evening by 11 p.m." or

2. "You will clean your room each week. Change the sheets and pillowcases on the bed to clean ones. Dust the tops of your bureau, end table, and bookshelves with a cloth and Endust. Pick up all clothes on the floor and put them away or put them in your wash basket. Vacuum the carpet."

• Link consequences to behavior, for example, for #1 above, if she misses her curfew, she will not be allowed to go out in the evening for a week. For #2 above, if she doesn't clean her room completely, you will strip the bed and leave clean sheets for her to put on it; you will confiscate clothes or other items on the floor for one week; she will not be allowed TV for 3 days.

• Use appropriate language; keep it simple and specific as above examples indicate.

• Allow informed choice: what will happen if she meets the expectation and what will happen when she doesn't? See the statement below and the ones above.

• Be aware of timing. Start with rules she can easily follow to build her confidence. As she masters one expectation, add another.

• Use positive reinforcement for appropriate behavior and negative reinforcement for inappropriate behavior.

1. For example, if your daughter gets up on time, she might earn money (not too much, but a bit) or a choice of what she wants for breakfast. If she fails to get up on time, she gets no

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 55 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

reward. (In that case, breakfast would be your choice and you should choose something she may not be thrilled about eating.)

2. For many young people with Aspergers, earning money is a great motivator and teaches them about the real world. It takes some careful observation and bookkeeping on your part, but it teaches an important lesson: "When we perform up to standards and handle our responsibilities, we earn money." This works best if the young person with Aspergers has no other income. If money is scarce, use play money (scrip) or carnival tickets that can be saved and used to buy privileges and rewards. You can "fine" your daughter for inappropriate behavior, taking away some of the scrip or tickets if she acts irresponsibly does not meet expectations.

Key Points for Success

• Behavior does not change overnight and it is important to be persistent.

• Family, therapists - everyone needs to apply the consequences uniformly.

• The person should see that the consequences and rewards for her behavior are fair. Keep cash or other rewards on hand; don't run out. Once she masters the first expectation, keep the rewards coming for that one, but add another expectation or two.

• Plain language, clear communications, and a non-judgmental attitude are important. State the goals simply: "You must get out of bed by 7 a.m." She makes the choices - good or bad. No reminding her or yelling or scolding when she doesn't meet expectations; just apply the consequences, making a simple statement, such as "Oh, too bad. You didn't get up on time. Well, we're having X for breakfast. Let's eat." When she does meet expectations, say "Great

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 56 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

job! You got up on time. You earned 10 cents. Here you go." When she does meet expectations, praise her and make sure she gets the reward immediately.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 57 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Do adults with Aspergers marry and if they do, do they make a success of it?

Upon learning of a child's diagnosis, many parents will wonder about the future of their child with Aspergers. Marry, children, college, and employment-is it possible? What is in store for the future? The answer to these questions obviously varies. Adults with Aspergers Syndrome have a wide range, or spectrum of symptoms. It is believed that people with Autism or Aspergers Syndrome do not want, or are incapable of having relationships. The truth is many desperately want friends and intimacy, and are quite capable of such.

In some cases, the terms under which couples with Aspergers marry will be similar to a typical marriage (whatever that is!) In other cases, the couple must recognize and account for the personality and characteristic differences. Here are a few of those characteristics and issues that can cause problems within an Aspergers marriage.

* Sensory issues such as avoiding touch, problems with light, smells, and sounds. This can cause intimacy problems.

* Communication difficulties are always present. The inability to recognize emotions, social cues, and body language can create relationship struggles.

* Inflexibility, rigidity, and the need for sameness are hard to work around for some couples. Relationships require compromise.

Many people with Aspergers marry and go on to have very successful and fulfilling relationships. These marriages look like typical marriages. They have careers, purchase homes, take vacation trips, and have intimate connections. And yes, many have children. Some people with Aspergers Syndrome have children who also have Aspergers Syndrome. However, this does not always happen. Scientists and researchers now know that there is some type of genetic connection to Aspergers. If one parent has Aspergers Syndrome, the

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 58 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

odds are greater for them to have a child with an Autism spectrum condition. If both parents have Aspergers, the odds are greater still.

When people with Aspergers marry, they absolutely have the option of genetic testing before starting a family (if they so choose). However, the research into genetic causes for Aspergers is limited. Researchers are attempting to reveal all of the causes of Aspergers Syndrome, but the possibilities of environmental involvement make it difficult to pinpoint exact genetic causes.

Support is needed when adults with Aspergers marry. Encouragement from family members, as well as medical and emotional support, will increase the chances of a healthy, long-term relationship for a young couple living with Aspergers Syndrome.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 59 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

How can I decide how to provide opportunities for independent adult living?

The goal in life that everyone strives for is independence. We all want our children to be independent, making their own plans and decisions. We offer excellent guidance and support from a very young age to prevent as much struggle to learn basic social skills and coping strategies as possible. As our children grow up, we must take the steps necessary to help them achieve the ultimate goal of independence.

Contact your local chapter of the Autism Society or other support group to obtain information on programs and assistance available in your area. These groups offer informative seminars, classes, therapy sessions, and support meetings for people living with Asperger's Syndrome and their families. They are also a good place to find information regarding assistance available through local, state and federal government agencies. Some areas are now offering adult transition services for people in need of help progressing to life outside of the childhood home. Involve your child in the planning process, allowing her to make choices on the services she feels are necessary.

While the two of you are researching the various options available, you could have your child start thinking about exactly what she'd like to accomplish during this period of growth. Here are some suggestions in relation to living independently for your consideration.

• Emphasize strengths. Everybody has them. Your child's strengths are what make her who she is. Your child's sense of order and her ability (or need) to follow the rules can be considered strengths.

• Give little weight to weaknesses. Likewise, everybody has weaknesses. Increase the value of your child's strengths and her weaknesses will automatically seem less significant.

• Raise expectations. Rules are made to be followed, not broken. If your child was raised to be respectful and obedient, she knows what this means. You expected her to act a certain

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 60 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

way, so she followed your rules. High expectations may not come naturally but with time, your child can learn. (Find books on this topic and make notes.)

• Practice good hygiene. The importance of this is sometimes difficult for a person with Asperger's to understand. It is very important. People will let your child know if she fails, but let's not let it come to that. Make a grooming list for her and have her use it daily.

• Pursue obsessions. Your child's obsessions make her happy. If she can find a job focused on one of her obsessions, she will almost guarantee her own success.

• Find a mentor. The odds are that your child has connected with at least one person outside the family. This person can help her transition and later, can be there to assist your child in her weak areas.

• Manners. Social behavior skills are a must. There are many books available that are simply written accounts of basic manners in all situations. Help your child make a list of acceptable social skills and tell her to practice them. Encourage her to attend social skills groups. This is usually the biggest weakness of Asperger's. Your child should practice, practice, and practice these skills. This is important.

Your child can use the skills she has learned over the years to manage her Asperger's. Learning new skills will enhance her prospects. Living independently can be a challenge, but your child can do it. Help your child get the help she needs now and the transition will be a smooth one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 61 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

My daughter is now a parent. The biggest challenge is ensuring that she is reading my grandbaby's emotions appropriately and that she is interacting with the baby and not with her cell, My Space page, or other object!

This is a serious situation because the safety and well-being of a child is at stake. There are some good suggestions for you in this answer, but the most important thing to do is to get your daughter some support immediately so that a trained professional can help her adjust to the baby and meet its needs. She needs to understand that failure to do so could result in her child being removed from her home.

If you can, visit her at least every two days to check on the baby's welfare. Is she engaged with the child? Does she show empathy for the child? You should offer to care for the baby at least twice a week so that she can take a break; caring for an infant 24/7 is very stressful, especially for a person with Aspergers. If your daughter is under age 25, she may be less mature than other women her age and will need a lot of supervision. Perhaps other relatives could help out, too. Try to get your daughter to promise not to use her cell phone, computer, or "other objects" while the baby is awake. Encourage your daughter to ask for and act on advice in situations she finds difficult. It requires hard work and patience to accept constructive criticism, but it can lead to improved daily interactions.

Behavioral coaching, a new type of intervention, can help an adult with Asperger's to organize and prioritize daily activities. It's a good idea to establish a schedule for the baby and post it on a chart. Social skills training can teach your daughter to recognize facial expressions and associate them with certain emotions, learn body language skills in order to interpret what is being communicated, and learn to verbally interact with her child.

Here are some strategies to help her develop a strong bond with the baby.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 62 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Your daughter may be unable to read non-verbal cues and interpret the baby's needs. She may not be able to distinguish one cry from another. Here's a procedure to follow when the baby cries:

1. Offer breast or bottle.

2. Check baby's diaper and change it if it's dirty or wet.

3. Dance around with the baby in a sling, rock the baby, cuddle the baby, or sing to the baby. (Choose one at a time.)

4. Offer colic remedy/analgesic/teething remedy, if needed. (A doctor can diagnose colic. Run a finger over the baby's gums to see if teeth are coming in.)

5. The baby may cry ("fuss") for a few minutes before falling asleep.

6. Call Mom, Health Visitor, or doctor for advice.

Many women recommend a baby carrier sling as it may help relieve colic and raise the baby's head up to chest level so (s)she can make eye contact and interact with people, including your daughter.

Encourage your daughter to schedule at least two times during the day during which she rocks the baby and sings or talks to it.

Teach your daughter specific procedures for feeding, changing diapers, giving the baby a bath, etc., if she does not do a careful and thorough job on these tasks. Remind her that babies should not be put to bed with a bottle or lying on their stomachs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 63 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Education and Girls with Aspergers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 64 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Does my daughter with Aspergers have to stay in mainstream or would she be happier in a special school?

Children with Aspergers Syndrome can be successful in a variety of educational settings.

Choosing the best possible educational setting for your daughter with Aspergers Syndrome will depend on the available choices in your community and on your personal financial ability, among other stipulations. The individual preferences of you and your daughter, as well as your long-term goals for her future will also affect your choice of school setting. Here are some additional factors that may help you determine the best option for your daughter.

*

Which of the available options best meets her social ability? Mainstream classrooms offer

many social interaction opportunities with children of various social skill levels. Special schools use behavioral methodology to teach social skills in the classroom. This option also offers a variety of social ability. However, no student will be considered a typically developing child. Do you plan to rely on classroom peers for your daughter's socialization? If not, then this may not be a significant concern.

*

Which of the available options best meets her medical needs? Common medical needs

may include seizure disorders, gastrointestinal issues, and an assortment of prescription medications. Do you feel her medical needs are met in the mainstream school? Special schools are more likely to have the staff need to meet the medical needs of all students.

*

Which of the available options best meets her educational support needs? Your daughter

probably needs a wide range of accommodations to assure her success in the mainstream classroom. Examples of educational support are reduced workload, a personal aide, no timed testing, preferential seating, safe zone in the classroom, and one-on-one teaching in problem subjects. Some of these accommodations will be standard in a special school.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 65 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

*

Which of the available options best meets her therapy needs? The special school will

have a fully staffed therapy team to meet the needs of every student. Most Autism programs are designed around physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech and language therapy, and ABA therapy. The mainstream school may have therapy assistants that see your child for a few minutes a day. Is that enough support?

*

Which of the available options offers to integrate her special interests? Does the

mainstream teacher allow your daughter to spend free time on her special interests? Does she use those interests to motivate your daughter? What is the special school's stance on integrating special interests? This very important area can make a difference in your daughter's happiness.

No two mainstream schools or special schools are the same. The best choice must be determined on an individual basis. Knowing your daughter's strengths, challenges, needs, and interests and how each school will reach her will be the way to determine the best educational setting.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 66 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

How do I get my daughter's teachers, including her special education teachers, to accept and support her needs as a girl with Aspergers?

Asperger's Syndrome is gaining attention in the public eye. Most people have heard of Asperger's, or even know someone affected by the syndrome. However, many of those same people really have no clear picture of the affect Asperger's has on a person. This is also true in many school systems.

It is very important that you develop a strong partnership with your daughter's teachers. Building rapport with her educators will help tremendously in your quest to spread awareness regarding your daughter's condition.

Your daughter already has a special education teacher, so she obviously qualifies for educational assistance. Nevertheless, that does not mean she is getting the help she deserves. Having an Asperger's diagnosis explains many of her social, emotional, and behavioral problems that can make school personnel label her as a problem student, unapproachable and hard to work with. She needs support at school as much as she needs the educational services.

Meet with school personnel and discuss her Asperger's diagnosis. It could be that, like a majority of the public, her teachers are just not educated about Asperger's Syndrome. Provide information on Asperger's Syndrome, highlighting any symptoms that are troubling for your daughter. Make notes regarding her strengths, as well as her weaknesses.

Request an IEP meeting. In order to receive special education, a child must have an IEP, or Individual Education Plan. Meeting with her IEP team will give you a chance to voice your concerns and request additional services by adding goals to her plan. Now that her team is fully educated on her condition, you may find that they are more supportive of your daughter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 67 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

and more willing to add services that may have been omitted the first time. For instance, services that address social skills may be added now that the team knows her lack of social skills has a negative effect on her education.

Continue to be an advocate for your daughter. Be involved with her education. Be present at her school. When her teachers become aware of the fact that your daughter has a caring, supportive family that is willing to work for her and with her, they will be more likely to devote themselves to helping her achieve her potential.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 68 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Is it possible to help my daughter with Aspergers improve her organizational skills?

Thanks to the treatment and management advances made in the area of Asperger's Syndrome, children with Asperger's Syndrome can expect to live successful, productive lives. Medications, therapies, and school support are proving to add confidence and skills in the lives of these children.

It is common for a child with Asperger's to have problems with organization. These skills normally begin to develop at a very young age. The simple act of sorting beads by color is a beginning organizational skill. As the child grows, these skills begin to advance. Children with Asperger's Syndrome do not make these advances. However, this doesn't mean they cannot learn. This just means that you'll have to make extra efforts to teach these types of skills.

There are several things you can do to improve your daughter's organizational skills.

Start at home

It seems that organizing your things is a bit different from organizing your brain, but there is a connection. Teaching your child to organize her room, for instance, can lead to more organized thinking. It's important to emphasis organization and not just ‗picking up'. A child can clean her room by shoving all of her stuff in the closet! Yes, it's clean, but can she find both of her shoes?

Maintain a chore schedule. Teach your daughter to use written ‗to do' lists and checklists for everything. Use visual schedules if she needs the extra input. Keep your daughter on a routine. This will help her conquer her weaknesses in the organization department.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 69 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

If your daughter doesn't wear a watch, you might consider finding one she likes. Learning to tell time and having a watch convenient will give her a chance to learn to control her schedule. This will assist her efforts to learn to organize herself.

You should also consider medical advice. Occupational therapists are trained to find ways to assist people with organizational skills. The therapist will work with your daughter and your family to develop a plan especially devised to strengthen your daughter's skills.

Follow up at school

It is very important to have a good relationship with your daughter's school personnel. A strong team makes all the difference. Your daughter's occupational therapist at school can use your private therapist's plan as a base, expanding on issues related to educational performance.

Your daughter's teachers and therapist can come up with schedules, calendars, and checklists that will give your daughter increasing control over her daily routine. They can encourage the use of these tools to keep up with assignments, therapy times, and other activities that occur during her school day.

Breaking down jobs or assignments into smaller increments will also help your daughter handle her daily duties. Shorter work times with lots of small breaks are confidence builders. Visual timers are another useful tool that will show your daughter how to manage her time. (These timers are good for home, too.)

Further developing your daughter's organizational skills will help her as a student and in her daily life. The efforts you both make now will enhance her chances for a successful future.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 70 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

My biggest challenge is trying to understand the way in which my child with Aspergers learns; can you help explain this to me?

Learning Styles

Talk to your child's special education teacher who can explain to you how your child learns best and techniques to use at home. It may also help to talk to more than one special education teacher for insights on children with Asperger's Syndrome. Visit classes of young children with Asperger's. This will help you learn about the children's abilities and effective ways to teach. Ask permission from school authorities before visiting.

If you get a chance to hear Temple Grandin speak or read her books, please do so! She has terrific ideas on how to understand the learning processes of children with Asperger's and help them.

Children with Asperger‘s tend to have strengths in visual processing, but weaknesses in auditory processing. So anything you can do to make your child's learning visual will help (see below). Also, children with Asperger‘s tend to remember facts about their favourite subjects, but have trouble with other subjects. Whenever possible, teach skills using your child's favourite interests.

Teaching Tips for Teachers and Parents

• Prepare a quiet environment with few distractions. Avoid florescent lights as they often make a buzzing sound. Carpet the floor. Put a cushion on the child's chair.

• Keep instructions short and simple. Say the person's name and try to establish eye contact.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 71 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

• Provide order and structure to help children with Asperger‘s feel less anxious. Establish a consistent routine.

• Make a schedule out of pictures or drawings. Point to each picture (or turn it over) as you go through the schedule

• Use pictures, objects, photos, and videos when teaching. Hands-on learning is ideal.

• Understand that if people with Asperger's become fixed on an idea or question, they will not disengage until the question is answered. Go with it. Adapt to the needs of children with Asperger‘s

• Learn what the child with Asperger‘s does well and find ways to harness those skills to help her learn.

• Select appropriate activities that include interaction with others. Use these activities to promote making friends and taking turns.

• Consider a "buddy system" where a peer assists the child with Asperger‘s • Regularly teach clear, simple rules that the child can achieve.

• When inappropriate behavior occurs, repeat the rule. Then encourage the student to engage in another activity.

• Praise the specific behavior whenever the person does something well, such as, "Good job writing your name, Rachel."

• Ignore small disruptions and consistently praise appropriate behavior and improvement.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 72 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

• Provide frequent activity. It is unrealistic to expect children with Asperger‘s to sit for long periods and listen attentively.

• Use patience, repetition, and consistency.

• Do not get discouraged if the child wants to sit and watch and not interact at times.

• There will be good and bad days.

• Asperger's children may have problems with attention span, lack motivation to learn, and have problems with the rules of reading and grammar.

• Use music and games as tools to teach. They are great in helping with improving attention span and interest levels.

• Focus on materials that are based in reality; children with Asperger‘s sometimes have problems with creative thinking and imagination. Stories about children like them capture their interest.

• Almost every child with Asperger‘s has special interests, so use those interests to teach reading, math, and writing.

• Each child is different and will learn at a different pace and in a different manner. Use reading and other programs on the market designed with special education children in mind.

Log on to: http://www.specialed.us/autism/asper/asper11.html for a terrific article on this subject: Children With Asperger's Syndrome: Characteristics/Learning Styles and Intervention Strategies by Susan Stokes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 73 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

I don't know how to help my daughter retain the information she learns at school and by doing homework. When exams are due, it's a nightmare. I work hard to help her understand a problem, but she forgets it a few days later! Anxiety is also a problem for both of us now! What can we do?

Your daughter's difficulties with short and long term memory are serious challenges. She may have a specific disability in this area, in addition to Asperger's Syndrome. I'm assuming your daughter has both medical and academic diagnoses of Asperger's Syndrome. If not, you need to have her tested by a psychologist or doctor who specializes in areas such as Asperger's and learning disabilities. Testing may need to be done by a private psychologist and her school's psychologist to get both diagnoses. Even if she has been diagnosed, she may need further testing to determine the extent of her memory disorders. Once diagnosed, she is eligible for interventions and accommodations for the problem at school. The difficulty should be described and interventions and accommodations written into her IEP (Individualized Education Plan).

There are different types of memory: long term, short term and working memory. Long and short term memories include declarative and implicit memories. In declarative memory, facts are memorised or information is learned explicitly, for example, learning the alphabet or how to multiply. Implicit memory is needed for specific skills, such as writing, reading, and driving a car. Another important process is working memory. This involves the storage of information that allows activities to take place, for example remembering a telephone number to dial it.

People can have very good memory in one area and a bad memory in another. People with ADHD often have poor working memory and short term memory. People with dyspraxia show signs of difficulties with sequential memory, learning the order of things, for example, days of the week. Difficulties with short term memory, implicit memory, and working memory affect around 70% of people who have an underdeveloped cerebellum or learning problems.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 74 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

However, it sounds as though your daughter has sufficient short term memory to learn concepts and skills, but not sufficient long term memory to retain what she learns. For this reason, more testing is very important.

Peoples' poor memory processes improve as the cerebellum develops and skills become automatic. The more automatic a skill is, the easier it is to remember details and instructions. You can try to help your daughter get information into her long-term memory and retain it by:

Teaching her each skills or concepts through all her senses - by hearing the information, seeing it, using manipulatives to demonstrate it, talking about it, etc. However, children with Asperger's have difficulty focusing using multiple senses at the same time! So, teach her and re-teach her the skills she needs, using only one sense at a time. To start, explain a skill to her. Then, have her repeat what she has heard. Next, have her read about the skill and verbalize what she has read. Then, she should demonstrate the skill with manipulatives, if possible. Try to create hands-on learning experiences for this step. Help her explain each step as she performs it.

For each skill, talk it through and re-teach it over and over on a daily basis, using one sense at a time. Someone once told me that children with learning disabilities need to be taught a skill 42,000 times before they will "master" it, i.e.; retain it in long term memory! Hopefully it's an exaggeration -- but clearly shows the importance of repetition.

Even with constant re-teaching, your daughter may not be able to remember. In that case, write down a sequence of steps for each skill that she can follow, to trigger her memory. Keep reassuring her that you will find ways to help her; hopefully, that will help reduce her anxiety because anxiety makes memory worse!

At school, she should be allowed to use learning triggers as one of her special accommodations. Other specific compensations, accommodations, modifications, and strategies (CAMS) must be allowed as well, including constant review, modified exams (such

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 75 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

as grading her class performance during lessons instead of on exams), use of a calculator, manipulatives, etc.

After your daughter is tested further, medication may be indicated. Her doctor must advise you on that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 76 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

I need skills to help my daughter understand time and the need to be ready at a specific time, e.g. leaving the house to get to school on time. We've got a visual timetable with photos, but it doesn't work at home even though she will follow one at school.

It takes Asperger's kids far longer to get out the door than it takes most kids. They have to prepare by dressing and eating, remembering and finding everything they need, getting into the car, and settling down. Usually during this process, there will be one or more minor crises to be solved, throwing the child with Asperger‘s into anxiety and confusion. Often children with Asperger‘s get so distracted by various coping methods that they forget items or necessary routines or become extra clumsy.

This problem causes chaos in the home, embarrassment and low self-esteem for children with Asperger‘s, and problems with being late, missing appointments, and anger between the child and caregivers. This can go on for years!

Causes of the Problem

There are three causes of the problem. First, children with Asperger‘s have a poor sense of time passing. Second, they have difficulty estimating time. And third, they get distracted easily. Mix these with poor organisational skills and anxiety and the stage is set for chaos.

For most people time seems to go fast or slow depending on what they are doing at any given moment. But children with Asperger‘s can become focused on one simple preparation routine and totally lose track of time passing. Minutes, even hours will slide by unnoticed. Schedules help maintain children with Asperger‘s' efforts to get ready and get out! Try creating a detailed schedule for your daughter (in pictures, if possible) that can be turned over as she completes each preparation step.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 77 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

People with Asperger's often underestimate how long it takes to do something. This happens because they don't remember how long it took to do the task in the past. It's also related to distraction, which slows everything down. Thus, the detailed schedule can help reduce distractions and, if times for completion are included, it can help the child with Asperger‘s focus on a reasonable time to complete each step.

Keep track of how long it actually takes your daughter to get various things done. If she is old enough, involve her in this process. Each step will take longer than you expect because often you (and she) don't realize that each step may contain many minor steps. For example, just putting on a coat may entail: figuring out what kind of coat to wear by looking out the window and assessing the weather conditions, finding the coat, shutting the closet door, putting on the coat, buttoning it, picking up all the items she will be taking with her, turning off a light, walking downstairs. Once you time each step, add 50% more time (yes, really!) to finish each step in order to handle accidents like a dropped purse, a lost notebook, or a sudden need to use the restroom. Your child may need even more time; experience will show you what works. So…

• For regular tasks, set up a routine; then add 50% more time to get your child out the door.

• Set up a picture timetable that shows each thing she must do, in order. It must be very detailed. It would be great if the pictures can be turned over once completed so that she knows exactly what has been completed and what she still has to do. It will also help her not get distracted.

• It may help for her to take a bath or shower in the evening. Get her lunch ready the night before, so she can just grab it. Get all her school things ready to go the evening before and put them all in once place near the door you will use (a large basket works nicely). Lay out the clothes she will wear, including underwear, outerwear, shoes, jacket, etc. All of this will save time and confusion in the morning.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 78 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

• Prepare yourself for her to drop things, not be able to find things, get confused or distracted, etc. This is a stressful situation for her. Try not to get angry.

• Praise her extensively when she gets out the door on time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 79 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

I really struggle with my daughter not being able to follow instructions; can she do better at this or is it just the Asperger's?

Children with Aspergers do have problems following instructions. It is especially difficult for them to follow verbal instructions. When using verbal instructions, limit yourself to one or possibly two instructions at a time if she can handle them. If not, she may need visual reminders in order to follow instructions. These could be written instructions, a check-off list, or picture reminders. Children with Asperger‘s often get distracted and a visual reminder helps them to stay on task!

1. Remember that kids with Asperger's syndrome are easily overwhelmed. Asking them to adjust to new situations can result in resistance or meltdowns.

2. Break each task down into small, specific actions. Prioritize the actions and create a list or check-off sheet that is easily accessible.

3. Create simple rules that describe desired actions, followed by the list of what she is to do. For example: (Rule) Put your bike away each day. Her list might read: At 4 p.m., go outdoors and look in the front yard. Then look in the backyard. When you find your bike, take it to the garage. Put your bike next to the dryer in the garage.

Try using a game to develop following directions skills. Here is one.

In this game, two kids compete to see who can more accurately follow a brief set of instructions. Or, your daughter can compete against herself to improve her performance each time.

What do they compete for? Determine what type of reward might motivate your daughter. Minutes on the computer? M & Ms? Hugs? Time spent with Mom or Dad? When you

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 80 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

decide on the reward, also decide how much of the reward will be given for each direction followed correctly, e.g. one M & M per direction or 2 minutes on the computer per direction.

Many children with Asperger‘s seem to love this game. How does the game work? Hand each child a pad of paper and a pen or pencil. Then, give them a brief set of instructions, for example: draw three animals you've seen in your backyard or draw five different kinds of food. (As they improve, you make the directions more complex, i.e.; longer, then more of them, then different kinds of things to do.)

When they say they are done, determine how well they have followed the instructions. Give the rewards based on how many directions were followed, and an extra reward for not becoming distracted until all directions were followed.

Children with Asperger's may add things to the instructions that were not requested. In this case, one reward is deducted.

Be sure to explain how you are scoring and why rewards are given or taken away. If a child cries, gets angry or rude, or has a meltdown, one reward is taken away.

As you play this game over time, gradually make it harder and as the child gets better at it, try playing it with verbal directions only. Start slow! This is very hard for children with Asperger‘s.

Sometimes we get annoyed with children with Asperger‘s because they don't behave and respond the way we want them to, but it may help to think of your child as you might think of a person who didn't speak English well. Would you get annoyed? Of course not! You would try to rephrase your instructions, simplify them, demonstrate behaviour you expect, and help the person in other ways. Think of your daughter as being similar to a person who is learning English. It takes time and a variety of techniques to help her understand "the language,"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 81 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

although in her case the lack of understanding is due to differences in the way her brain processes language rather than learning English as a second language.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 82 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

I have a 14-year-old granddaughter who has Asperger's syndrome. She is very intelligent and capable but hates school. She also has ADD (not hyperactivity). Her last year helper was terrible and made things so much worse. She did really well on her yearly achievement test but the teacher read the questions to her. My question is: What is the responsibility of the school? I just don't think they are helping her in the ways she needs help. What should her parents do?

Your granddaughter struggles with Asperger's as well as ADD and the combination of these two factors can make school a difficult place for her to function well. Her parents need to meet with the school administration and her teachers and come up with a plan of accommodations for your granddaughter that can help her succeed in the classroom.

Children with Asperger's typically will have an accommodation plan created by the parents and the school officials. That plan will outline special services a child will receive, as well as special rules and procedures that will take place in the classroom in order to help the child function more effectively. In public schools in the United States, this plan is called a 504 Plan or an Accommodation Plan.

Typically, an accommodation plan for a child with Asperger's will address the child's weaknesses. A child with Asperger's might have trouble during unstructured times of the day or during transitions from one period to the next. An accommodation for that might be that a child would need to be warned several times that a change is coming up. Perhaps ten minutes before the class changes, the child would receive a warning. Then again at five minutes. This gives a child with Asperger's a feeling of security and helps with her need for order.

An accommodation plan can include reading the exam questions, as you mentioned in your question. Depending on whether your granddaughter performs better when she reads the instructions or if she hears them, those accommodations can be made specifically for her. If

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 83 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

she has trouble with her handwriting, as many children with Asperger's do, an accommodation can be made where she uses a laptop computer or a desktop computer in the classroom.

Accommodations can be made for behaviors as well as for academic concerns. Parents should meet with the child's teachers and the school administration and create a plan that addresses her particular needs. It is the responsibility of the school to accommodate your granddaughter's special needs and to provide an educational environment where she can learn and thrive.

Encourage your granddaughter's parents to be very vocal in trying to set up a good relationship with the teachers and the administration. It is important to have a good working relationship with the school. If her parents feel that a teacher or an assistant teacher is not meeting their daughter's needs, they can bring that concern to the administration. Hopefully, the administration will refer to the accommodation plan or work with the teacher to make some appropriate changes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 84 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

My 12 yr old daughter tries to participate and when the teacher responds negatively or worse with sarcasm, she either gets really upset or shuts down. She tries to interact socially, but 'trips over her own tongue' and will say things to really upset her peers. Can you help?

Boys and girls do present Asperger's symptoms differently, and have a different rate of diagnosis. According to the Asperger's Foundation (www.aspergersfoundation.org.uk), Asperger's is diagnosed in four boys to every one girl. Consequently, when discussing Asperger's syndrome, more often information is geared toward boys than girls.

Girls tend to present Asperger's symptoms differently. Girls with Asperger's tend to do better socially than boys with Asperger's. In your daughter's case, it seems she has trouble interacting with her peers and with her teachers. It would seem that educating her teacher would be appropriate at this time. If your daughter's teacher is responding negatively or with sarcasm, it is time to intervene.

Explain to the teacher that what your daughter needs is a role model and an advocate. This teacher should be made aware that your daughter will respond well to positive correction and explanation. Children with Asperger's need the implicit to be made explicit. It is the role of a teacher to help your daughter understand the classroom and develop better navigational tools. If the teacher does not respond appropriately, involving the administration and specialists would be appropriate.

As a twelve year old, your daughter is beginning a very difficult period in any child's life, not simply a child with Asperger's. Girls who are entering the teenage years are consumed with the intricacies of social interaction. Your daughter will need your support and the support of the teachers in the school. She will need the support of friends as well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 85 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Work with your daughter to try to give her social scripts with which to interact with her friends. Involve your daughter's teachers in the process so they can understand that your daughter will make mistakes, but can be corrected in a manner similar to the script you have worked out. Have your daughter's friends over to your home where you can interact with them. Make explicit to these friends that your daughter will make social mistakes but that these are not intentional. They can react by helping to correct her as well.

Modelling a very matter of fact approach in dealing with your daughter can help both the teacher and the friends. Understanding that your daughter does not intentionally make social mistakes can make them easier for others to correct in a straightforward manner. Your daughter's teacher can help reinforce this attitude in the classroom, and you can help reinforce it with her friends at home.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 86 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Do you have any tips for teenage girls with Aspergers in schooling and coping with life?

The key to helping your girl cope with the symptoms of Asperger‘s is to offer as much support and treatment as possible. Knowing she is not alone is a good place to start when offering support. The book ―Middle School: The Stuff Nobody Tells You About – A Teenage Girl with High-Functioning Autism Shares Her Experiences,‖ by Haley Moss, is written by a teen for other teens. Haley writes about her middle school experiences and how having high functioning Autism affected those experiences.

This is just one available resource to use to help her see that other girls are living and thriving with Asperger‘s Syndrome. Search the Internet, public library, local bookstores, and your community Autism support group for additional resources.

Treatment options for girls with Asperger‘s Syndrome vary widely. Less likely to need extensive drug therapies and sensory integration therapies, most girls with Asperger‘s are able to concentrate on learning the social skills, self-care, and daily independent living skills necessary to becoming a successful, independent adult. However, girls are more likely to accept and appreciate the one-on-one of independent counseling. Once you have evaluated your daughter‘s specific needs, you may opt for any of the following assistance.

* Social skills training can be covered by therapy or by utilizing personal interests. For instance, joining a club that is geared to her special interest will give your daughter an avenue in which to develop her social skills and her knowledge of her special interest.

* Individual counseling can be helpful for reducing anxiety and depression. Talking about this anxiety with a trained professional can make a big difference.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 87 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

* Neurological testing and medications may be needed in some cases. Medications, when needed, can reduce symptoms, as well as stress, anxiety, hyperactivity, and depression.

* Cognitive-behavioral therapy, with a professional therapist or using resources at home, can help your daughter learn about the feelings, emotions, and behavior connection.

* Coping skills can be taught at home or with a private therapist. Learning ways to cope with the weaknesses will enhance the strengths your daughter displays.

For most girls with Asperger‘s, learning to cope with the diagnosis and the characteristics are the two biggest obstacles. Girls are more likely to develop long-lasting friendships and a complete social circle, than boys are. Once these obstacles are met, girls are usually able to create the support system they need in spite of their reduced social abilities and go on to live productive, independent lives.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 88 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Girls with Aspergers and Social Skills

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 89 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

How can I teach my daughter the social skills and understanding for relationships and friendships with boys?

This topic is always puzzling for parents. Girls and boys grow up seemingly the same, and they develop into two very different groups as they get older. It is great that you are concerned about your daughter‘s social interaction with boys because many parents do not take the time to encourage or develop these relationships in the proper manner.

I would first encourage you to look into finding a good social story for your daughter to read. Social stories are great ways to teach children with Aspergers about social interactions. There are many books to choose from so make sure that you find a social story that is age appropriate for your daughter. If she is an older child, you may want to consider finding an age-appropriate novel related to social relationships between boys and girls and read it with her. This option allows you and your daughter to interact together. She can ask you questions, and you can provide her with appropriate responses to her questions.

It may be a good idea to monitor her during her interaction with her male friends. She may have some social skills and appropriate interactions with them already. It makes it easier for you to determine what she needs from you as a parent. If you notice any behaviors that you do not like, you can talk to your daughter about it later when the two of you are alone. You may want to offer replacement behaviors for the ones that you want to change. It may also be helpful if she chimes in with a few of her own suggestions. The two of you can continue to do this until you achieve the desired behaviors that you want to see.

Try to find as many opportunities for your daughter to interact with as many other children as you possibly can. We all learn from doing. Activities like church functions, school activities, and neighborhood activities are great opportunities for your child to gain social understanding and appropriate interaction with boys.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 90 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Always make sure that you are ready to listen to your daughter when she has questions related to your concerns. It is better that she comes to you for answers than to learn something incorrect from her peers. Surround her in a social environment as much as you can without overwhelming her. She will eventually come around and feel comfortable with these interactions thanks to you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 91 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Where can we go for help with social skills training for our teenager with Aspergers?

Most people do not realize it, but everyone needs social skills training. Asperger's Syndrome robs individuals of the natural ability to relate, however, the desire is intact. As babies and young children, humans have the natural desire to relate and interact with others. Over time, we learn how through social skills training. Most people just call it socialization.

As we get older, it becomes easier to tell when a person is lacking in social skills training. Asperger's teens will have difficulty making and keeping friends, working in a peer group, and moving on to success in the real world without these social skills. The biggest obstacle is not the teen with Asperger's Syndrome. Most teens do have the desire, but lack the knowledge. The single biggest obstacle is appropriate opportunity.

Many schools and private medical institutions offer social skills training. Asperger's teens that have access to these training groups and classes are at an advantage. However, these services are costly and often out of reach for families dealing with Autism. Here are some ideas that may help you find social skills training for your teen with Asperger's Syndrome.

* Your first resource is your teen's school. Meet with the special education coordinator to discuss possible social skills training. While there may not be a true social skills therapy available, they may be able to accommodate her need in other ways.

* Contact your local Autism support organization. Many times members of these groups pool their knowledge and experience to form therapy groups and classes within the membership.

* Talk with your teen's doctors about possible private therapy. With a doctor's referral, you may find just what your teen needs at a reasonable expense.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 92 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

* You may choose to forego formal therapy and opt for do-it-yourself social skills training. By giving your teen plenty of social opportunities, you can enhance her social skills. Clubs, groups, church youth activities, and recreational sports are all fine opportunities to learn social skills. Use specific instances and happenings to teach your teen how to handle different social situations.

* There are many published works for home therapy. An online search or local library search can lead to the perfect resource for you and your teen.

Due to lack of insurance coverage for crucial Autism therapies, it can be a challenge to find appropriate social skills training. Asperger's teens can work on social skills in many ways without formal therapy. By focusing on your teen's special interests, you can increase her confidence while finding opportunities for socialization.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 93 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

How do I help my child so that she can make friends and be accepted by other teens?

The years between 12 and 18 can be very difficult for teenagers with Asperger's Syndrome. Friends are difficult to find and keep, are judgmental, and Aspie teens often become isolated socially.

Encourage your daughter to develop a special interest. A special interest may encourage friendships with other teens with the same interest. This can be especially effective if there is a club she can join or a sport's team (or a group that enjoys a sport together). Michelle Winner's "Social Thinking Program" can help her do this by teaching her how to join a group, become a part of it, how to converse on teenage topics, develop social skills, and make friends by creating "Friend Files."

Help her by becoming involved; organize and supervise appropriate, structured teen activities. Perhaps you can assist with a school activity or become one of the sponsors (leaders) of a girls' group, such as Girl Guides (Girl Scouts). Invite one of your daughter's acquaintances to your home to help her make friends. Perhaps a girl who is a year or so younger will be more "in tune" with your daughter's maturity level. Plan a couple of activities (a video, perhaps) in case they have difficulties thinking of what to do. Encourage your daughter to leave phone or text messages for peers. Remember, she does not have to tell everyone she has Asperger's Syndrome.

Consider sending her to a summer camp for Asperger's teens. Also, some high schools have support groups for teens with mentors who will help them navigate around school. She might try volunteering at a preschool, animal shelter, or other organization that encourages teen volunteers. This may help her make friends, but will also build her self-esteem.

Behavioural Therapy is highly recommended to teach her how to respond in teen social situations. To some extent, the success of therapy depends on the teenager's own desire to

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 94 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

fit in. Therapy can be very effective with teenagers, particularly group therapy. You can work with her, too, by practicing and role-playing various social situations with her. Teach her appropriate social responses in various situations. Teach her to make eye contact and smile.

One of the big issues for Asperger's teens is that they are often unaware of teen fads and topics of conversation. See if you can get your daughter interested in the latest trends whatever they are, so that she has something to discuss with other girls. Teach her how to converse about clothes, music, boys, and celebrities. Also, help her to be dressed and groomed similarly to other teens.

But I have to say that equally all young people need to be individual and certainly don't force trends on her that she doesn't want, just to make her fit in. There are often different social groups and sets within schools, and by working on basic social skills your daughter will have a good chance of joining one of them in lines with her own interests.

Some teens enjoy talking with other Asperger's teens in internet chat rooms, forums, and on message boards. There are Asperger's websites on which she can talk with other teens who have Asperger's. Monitor her closely and use parental controls to limit her access to only certain sites.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 95 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Girls with Aspergers and Behavior

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 96 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

How to deal with an Aspergers girl that throws things, rips things and breaks things when she doesn't get her own way (or sometimes it seems like no reason at all)?

Sometimes girls with Asperger‘s Syndrome have a difficult time expressing their true feelings. Stress, anxiety, frustration, and anger can get all mixed up together in a confused heap, causing a serious meltdown. Sometimes these situations are invisible to those around her. Sometimes it does not take much to cause a problem. It just depends on what the girl‘s triggers are. Here are some factors that could explain this behavior, along with some additional thoughts.

1. Maturity is often lacking in children and teens with Asperger‘s Syndrome. There could be several years‘ difference between the maturity level and the actual age. You must allow for this maturity difference and meet the girl at her actual maturity level. 2. Sensory issues can be an invisible cause for this type of behavior. She may be dealing with sensory overload. Is she sensitive to touch, sound, smells, and/or light? Watch for signs of sensory overload and try to remove her from the situation before she breaks down. 3. Anger management is a necessary skill for kids with Asperger‘s Syndrome. Therapy can help her learn to control her actions when she gets angry. If therapy is not an option, you can find books and videos to use at home to help her. 4. Stress management is also important. Learning to deal with stress will help her avoid the meltdowns that are brought on by stressful situations. 5. Meltdown control techniques like redirection and a safe zone will help when anger and stress have not been managed. 6. A medical exam is always a good idea when you are dealing with complicated behavior. A doctor can check for medical causes, as well as refer her for therapy or counseling. The doctor may also suggest medications that may be helpful. 7. Sometimes medications can make a huge difference in the life of a child with Asperger‘s Syndrome. While medication is not for everyone, it is a good idea to weigh all of your options when you have a violent child. Mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety medications

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 97 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

may be exactly what she needs to stay in control.

It is hard to watch a child with Asperger‘s Syndrome struggle to get through her days without major complications. Consider all of the options and find a treatment plan that works for her. She will feel better about herself when she is in control of her actions and her entire family will be safer and happier.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 98 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

When we are watching something on the T.V., something or someone may come on my daughter likes or knows and she will burst out in a scream or squeal and scare everyone. How do we correct that? We've tried many things!

When your daughter reacts to a situation with a squeal or a scream, it is sure to give you (and everyone else) a jolt. Here is an analogy. It is sometimes said that children with Asperger‘s Syndrome ‗do not have a filter‘. This missing filter is what regulates a person‘s actions in all situations.

The missing filter controls all sorts of things. Emotions, reactions, thoughts, and comments, to name a few, are normally filtered somehow and we respond appropriately. Most people just know that there are times when you should not scream, cry, speak in anger, or make comments that may hurt someone‘s feelings. Children with Asperger‘s Syndrome do these things because they do not understand that they should not. Add in the sensory integration disorder that affects children with Asperger‘s Syndrome and your child can really keep you on your toes. Here are some suggestions for your situation.



Sensory integration therapy can improve any sensory related behaviors and outbursts. It is possible that your daughter is under sensitive and needs a lot of sensory input. You can create a home therapy program by using books and videos that detail the different sensory activities.



Cognitive-behavioral therapy helps children learn that their emotions and feelings do not have to be regulated by the actions of others. This therapy will give your daughter the tools she needs to think and behave the way she should in different situations. You can find a behavioral therapist by physician referral or by contacting your local Autism support group. You can also attempt some of these techniques at home



Use visual aids to teach your daughter important positive behaviors, as well as consequences. If/then consequence charts would be a good visual aid to start with. You can make this with a sentence strip or any laminated paper. In the ‗if‘ column, place pictures of behaviors, both positive and negative. In the ‗then‘ column, place pictures of

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 99 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

what will happen due to that particular behavior. For example, a picture of a girl screaming, and then a picture of a television in a red circle with a line through it would show the consequence of screaming at something on television.

Asperger‘s Syndrome means you will have to find alternate ways to handle your daughter‘s behavioral issues. With practice, she can learn to respond in the appropriate manner.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 100 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Why is my daughter (who has Aspergers) always nasty to her oldest sister and her child. She also is very violent to and hurts herself at times.

Living with Asperger‘s Syndrome is sometimes very difficult. The characteristics and symptoms often create misunderstanding among family and friends. The lack of empathy, social skills, and emotions is hard to explain. It can cause great misery for the child and her family members.

Children with Asperger‘s Syndrome have great trouble interacting with others. Their social skills are severely lacking. They do not have the empathy for others that most of us have, nor do they understand how their actions and comments affect others. Your daughter probably desires to have a social relationship with her family and her peers, but her social skills deficit prevents that. Here are some suggestions.



Social skills training will help your daughter learn how to make friends. Many schools have social skills groups, or you may find community groups through your local Autism support group.



Speech/language therapy is helpful for teaching social communication. There are school therapists, private therapists, and self-teaching programs for the home.

Violence and self-injury are usually signs of great distress. Stress, anxiety, and frustration can cause a child with Asperger‘s Syndrome to have severe meltdowns. The self-injury is a way to cope is also a sign of a person without self-worth. These actions are common in kids with Asperger‘s Syndrome.

It seems that your family may not be dealing with the symptoms of Asperger‘s Syndrome very well. Your daughter needs help coping with her feelings. Violence and self-injury should never be tolerated and are the outward sign of some inner turmoil. These are signs of an emotional imbalance at worst, poor coping skills at best. Here are some suggestions for you. Due to the seriousness of your daughter‘s actions, these suggestions are quite aggressive.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 101 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog



Psychiatric treatment may be necessary to get your daughter in a less aggressive state. Whether it takes in-patient treatment or a series of scheduled outpatient sessions, she desperately needs to learn coping skills to avoid the violence and self-injury.



There are several medications that are often used to treat some of the symptoms of Asperger‘s Syndrome. Please discuss this possibility with your daughter‘s physician or neurologist. Anti-anxiety medications and mood stabilizers could be the answer for her, allowing her to calmly negotiate a more in-depth and personalized treatment for her depression and anger.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 102 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Psychological Problems for Girls with Aspergers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 103 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

What can I do about my daughter’s self-harming?

Self-harm is a serious situation that you should not take lightly. Make sure that you do not blame yourself for your daughter‘s actions; it has nothing to do with you. Self-harm has a psychological root that can be prevented. There are things that you can do to remedy the situation.

The first step may be that you should try to talk to your daughter and find out the reason she harms herself. It is always a good start to find out the source of the problem so that you can try to figure out solutions. She may or may not feel comfortable discussing this matter with you. It does not hurt to try to solve the problem on your own. If she does tell you the reason behind her self-harm, the two of you should sit down and try to figure out ways to prevent this situation from happening in the future.

This situation may be a problem that requires the help of a professional. You may need to have your daughter talk to a counselor about her problems. He or she will be able to get to the root of the problem and help her find solutions to prevent self-harm in the future. It may be a good idea to try to have a group session with you and your daughter if she does not feel comfortable attending counseling sessions alone. Let her decide which arrangement is the best.

You may want to monitor your daughter closely when she is in your company. She will not likely harm herself in the presence of anyone so monitoring her will help to prevent her from hurting herself. You should keep her constantly occupied when she is around you. Find activities and chores for her to do around the house so that she doesn‘t have time to think about hurting herself.

It may be a good idea to let the school nurse keep an eye on her when she is at school. The nurse should have random times that she requests that your daughter come to the school clinic. She can check to make sure that your daughter is not harming herself. It is probably a

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 104 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

good idea to let your daughter know that this will take place so that she does not have a meltdown when the nurse summons her.

You should depend on as many adults and professionals as possible to help you stop your daughter‘s self-harm. She may become upset with the additional attention that she receives, but she will be glad that she did once she gets professional help.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 105 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

My daughter is being bullied by other girls at school – what can I do?

Bullying is a serious issue that should not go unresolved. Bullying is a very important topic that schools and parents have to deal with on a daily basis. I think that it is wonderful that you noticed the problem early and are trying to find solutions to prevent your daughter from being bullied. Here‘s three approaches:

1. I would talk to your daughter first about the situation. Get a paper and pen and write down all of the details of the bullying. You want to know who did the bullying, where did it take place, who were the people standing around witnessing it, etc. I think that it would be a good idea to go to the principal with this information, but you should consult your daughter first. If you believe that the situation is in the early stages and will be resolved soon, you may want to wait to talk to the principal. If it has gotten out of hand, you need to talk to the principal and request an action plan for the situation. Alternatively, if your child is being bullied in the neighborhood, you should speak to the parents so that you all can find a quick solution to the problem.

2. Another great idea is to suggest to your daughter that she travels with at least one friend at all times. Bullies are less likely to bully someone who is with another person or a group of people; it is the isolation in the restroom, cafeteria, or the neighborhood that cause problems. Suggest that she has at least one friend that she can walk with her to each of her destinations. Make sure that she has a few assertive friends that are willing to stand up for her when she may not feel comfortable doing so.

3. You may even want to try role-play with your daughter. She needs to be prepared with things to say to bullies when they approach her. Teach her that she should not be scared to tell bullies ―no‖ or ―leave me alone‖ when she is approached by bullies. Teach her to be assertive and stand up to the bullies every time. Continue to practice with her until she feels comfortable standing up for herself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 106 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Bullying is a tough situation that many children encounter. Encourage your daughter to report the bullying to an adult as soon as possible. If she do not feel comfortable talking to adults other than you, then you should take the situation into your own hands.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 107 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

How can I help my daughter improve her self esteem as it’s pretty low?

Self-esteem is an issue that children and adults of all ages deal with every day. With the added social issues that children with Aspergers face, self-esteem issues may seem a bit more intense. Self-esteem comes from the way people view themselves so it is important to make sure that your daughter sees herself as someone special and perfect in her own way. Once she regains her self-esteem, she will begin to see all of the positive things that she has to offer.

I would try to sit with her and discuss how she views herself. She may think that she is unattractive or not very interesting to be around. Try to figure out how she came to those conclusions about herself. Much of the way that school aged children view themselves comes from their peers. She may be teased at school or in other public places, and you may not even know it. If her low self-esteem comes from negative peers, you have to get to the root of the issue and help your daughter find a solution.

Help her find that special thing that she is good at doing. We all have at least one special thing about us. Since she is a child with Aspergers, you may want to try to find out what her special interest is and use it to build her self-esteem. She may be able to help a high school math student figure out a complex math problem, or she may be able to help someone construct a model of something. Whatever it is, you must make sure that she has the opportunity to show others how talented she is at what she does.

You may want to consider getting her into sports or some girl‘s organization. She may or may not be comfortable with this, depending on her symptoms of Aspergers. If she is okay with activities that involve motion and she likes socializing, you should convince her to join these groups. She has the option to meet girls of various ages and backgrounds that she may be able to relate to on many levels. She may develop better self-esteem once she sees that other girls her age deal with the same issue as she does.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 108 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

I hope that your daughter‘s self-esteem issues improve with a few of these tips. Keep an eye on her because you do not want her self-esteem to develop into depression. Talk her to a doctor if you notice she continues to struggle with this problem over a length of time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 109 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

My daughter with Aspergers has a lot of anxiety – why is that and what can I do to help her?

A majority of children with Asperger's Syndrome suffer from intense anxiety. Your daughter is definitely not alone, and neither are you. Parents struggle to accept this side of Asperger's because of the degree in which anxiety interferes in their child's life. Anxiety can be devastating if the symptoms are not addressed.

Identifying Anxiety

You can identify anxiety in your daughter by watching for these warning signs:

1. Increasingly irritable 2. Severe inflexible or rigid thinking 3. Overreaction to change in daily routines 4. Frequent anger or aggressive meltdowns 5. Overdoing the obsessions 6. Avoiding people or certain locations

Children simply do not know how to deal with these symptoms, nor do they know what causes them. Once you identify that your child is indeed suffering from anxiety, you should develop a plan of action to bring relief of the symptoms.

Identifying options for anxiety relief

1. The first step to take is education. Children with Asperger's Syndrome need to learn what their personal symptoms are. This can be done with visual lists of various symptoms or charts that help the child recognize a spike in anxiety. An example of one such system is ―The 5-Point Scale and Anxiety Curve Poster‖ by Kari Dunn Buron and Mitzi Curtis. This

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 110 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

poster allows the child to check their behavior and their anxiety level at different times during the day. The child then marks the poster, providing a visual support to warn them when it is time to regain control.

2. Therapy is always an appropriate choice for dealing with the symptoms of anxiety in children with Asperger's. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a good option to try. CBT is personalized to fit individuals who deal with emotional, cognitive, and social problems.

3. While not an option for everyone, medications for anxiety and depression may be necessary in some cases. Anti-depressants are used successfully for treating anxiety in people with Asperger's Syndrome. Some experts are not keen on medicating children with these drugs. If you and your child's doctor choose to medicate, be an informed parent. Learn the risks and make an educated decision before you fill the prescription.

It is possible to manage anxiety in children with Asperger's Syndrome. Do your homework. Define your child's symptoms and triggers and try to control the anxiety when you see the approaching storm. The lists and charts will come in handy for this purpose. Find therapists who specialize in anxiety problems. And finally, use medication if necessary, but practice extreme caution.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 111 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

How to deal with anger management and Aspergers?

Girls and women with Aspergers can have problems with anger management.

Aspergers Syndrome causes frustration, aggressive behavior and even meltdowns in many children. The social communication challenges, the rigidity, and the obsessive thinking have their places within the child's personality. However, at times, these characteristics can overflow and cause serious problems for your daughter and for anyone in her path.

Families affected by Aspergers must overlook the frustrations and work together to develop skills in anger management. Aspergers Syndrome can cause frustrations and the symptoms can mean negative behavioral areas in your daughter‘s daily life. It is very important that you teach your daughter how to control her negative behaviors. This will be for her benefit, but also for the benefit of those who love her and those who spend time teaching her.

We know that aggressive behaviors have no place in anger management. Aspergers Syndrome can be associated with positive behaviors. Many kids with Aspergers can be pleasant when things are going well, but they struggle to keep things positive due to the tendency toward depression and anxiety. Here are some ideas that may help your daughter get a handle on anger management.

1. Just as you do with any type of negative behavior, create an action plan that clearly states the rules regarding anger management. Consequences must also be visible, as well as fair for the rule infraction.

2. Talk therapy may be necessary to help your daughter get a grip on her anger. The school guidance counselor is a good no-threat option when deciding on a trusted individual.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 112 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

3. Reward positive behavior to help increase your child's self-confidence. When your daughter's self-confidence is elevated, she will feel more positive overall and less stressed and frustrated.

4. Kids with Aspergers thrive with routines and set schedules. Try to keep your daughter's daily routine and order just as she expects it. Something as simple as an off day can cause anger problems.

5. Cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques can be used to give your daughter the tools she needs to control her emotions, thus controlling her actions.

Children on the Autism Spectrum can learn anger management. Aspergers Syndrome kids can have a positive demeanor if they use some of these tips to learn self-control. With your help, your child can learn to control her anger.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 113 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

My child with Asperger's seems to be developing anorexia. What should I do?

Anorexia is a complicated illness. It is an eating disorder where a person controls the amount and type of food she eats and creates a situation where she is starving herself. Typically, people who suffer from anorexia are grossly underweight, and yet continue to perceive themselves as fat. An anorexic might use excessive exercise, laxatives and strict dietary restrictions in order to maintain a low body weight.

People with anorexia can often share symptoms with people with Asperger's Syndrome. An anorexic might have a strict set of rules governing behaviour around food and exercise. Certain foods cannot be eaten, or only eaten after a certain amount of exercise can be performed. Often, rules govern the portion of the food to be eaten. These rules, for an anorexic, are not meant to be broken.

Children with Asperger's can share similar ideas about food. Many children with Asperger's have strict internal rules about how foods should be prepared and what sort of foods they will eat. In some Asperger's cases, children will only eat foods of a certain texture or of a certain colour. It is often difficult for children with Asperger's to eat a balanced and healthy diet because of these behavioural rules.

Because a child with Asperger's may share a similar mindset about behavioral rules, it can be difficult to discern whether the behaviors your child is exhibiting are related to Asperger's or anorexia. There are some thoughts among professionals that anorexia is a female form of Asperger's, yet these links have not been definitively made.

If you believe your child is developing anorexia, you need to consult your child's physician. If you and your physician agree that your child is developing anorexia, you will need to create a plan of action. The immediate goal of anorexia treatment is weight gain. If the anorexia is

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 114 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

severe, this might include a hospitalization. Continuing treatment might include medications, such as antidepressants, and psychotherapy.

It is important while planning this treatment that your child's physician and others who are involved in the treatment understand that your child has Asperger's syndrome. This will be important in trying to create the correct treatment plan for your child. Typical treatment for anorexia can focus on developing a healthy body image and a healthy relationship with food. These can be difficult concepts for a child with Asperger's, and the treatment should be created accordingly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 115 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Other Questions about Girls with Aspergers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 116 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

How do I get my daughter with Aspergers to accept help?

Getting your child to accept help is difficult for any parent, but can be especially problematic for the parent of a child with Aspergers.

Children with Aspergers can be very easily frustrated by a situation. This frustration can be demonstrated appropriately or inappropriately. Most children with Asperger's look at a situation from only one direction. They are not good at trying to figure out the best way to handle something, but will usually use the same approach they've used before. Typically, they will try the same thing again and again and when frustrated, they might simply give up.

Depending on the nature of your child, accepting help can be a difficult thing. Many children want to be independent, and this trait only magnifies as they get older. With children with Aspergers, this independence can be interpreted as stubbornness. You'll need to work with your daughter to help her begin to see asking for and accepting help as a viable option in a situation.

One of the ways to do this might be through the use of Social Stories. Use these stories to talk about different scenarios your daughter might be involved in. An example might be a situation at school where she finds herself doing a math problem that she is having trouble with. She might get frustrated with her inability to solve the math problem and want to disrupt the class with her behaviour as a result. Talk through several options with her. Talk about the feeling of frustration and try to describe it. Have her work on identifying that feeling and giving it a name. She can work on identifying the feeling within herself after she has seen someone in the Social Stories identify the feeling.

The story is now at a point where she has to make a choice about how to act. The preferred option is that she would get up and ask the teacher for her help, or ask another student for a

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 117 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

quick explanation. Talking through these options using social stories can help your child develop the skills necessary to identify feelings associated with helplessness and to acquire new skills in asking for help.

Realize that all children go through periods of time where they do not want help. These periods are natural periods of developmental growth. If your child is experiencing normal frustration and exhibiting that frustration in an acceptable way, it's often a good idea to simply watch your child's behaviour and try not to intervene. Or simply offer help and if the offer is turned down, have your child discover the consequences of that choice. It's hard, as a parent, to watch your child make mistakes when you could help prevent them. But those mistakes can sometimes turn into great learning moments.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 118 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Is the Aspergers why my daughter really doesn’t play much with her younger brother and she isn’t all that loving towards her or her family?

Children with Asperger‘s Syndrome have great difficulty associating and interacting with other people. Poor social skills, poor nonverbal communication skills, and a lack of empathy hamper your child‘s ability to relate to other people, even her own family members. It is easier for her to play alone, overly involved in her obsessive interest, than it is to try to understand the motives of others.

There are a few things you can do to improve your daughter‘s situation. There are several therapies, techniques, and medications that can help her live a normal life. Here are some of the choices that are available.



Social skills training can help teach your daughter how to form and keep personal relationships. Many schools offer social skills groups or peer mentoring. You can also find books and videos that will help you create a home treatment plan that includes social skills practice. In addition, you can find sports teams, clubs, and groups in your community that revolve around one of her interests. These will give her opportunities to practice social skills and communication.



Play therapy is a very effective therapy for young children. Think of it as a supervised play date with a therapist or other individual acting as a facilitator. Learning the natural give and take of shared play has a positive effect on a child‘s ability to make and keep friends.



Speech therapy can help your daughter learn more about social and nonverbal communication. This therapy can be found at school, in the private sector, or you can do it at home with the appropriate books and/or videos.



Medications like antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and ADHD drugs are often used to treat the symptoms of Asperger‘s Syndrome. Creating balance with medications may improve all areas of your daughter‘s development.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 119 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Of course, sibling rivalry may play a part in this complicated relationship, because, let‘s face it; having a sibling with Asperger‘s Syndrome can be extremely complicated. As parents, one of our greatest desires is that our children will love each other and be there for each other. It is hard to watch your typical children struggle to find a place in their sibling‘s life. Rest assured, as your daughter with Asperger‘s Syndrome grows older and learns more about social relationships, she will naturally develop closeness to her family members. It probably will not look like the relationship you expect, but it will be sufficient.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 120 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Do you have any information on Aspergers and results of Neurofeedback. We recently took our daughter, age 5, to a center for an evaluation, and were amazed at their findings on how the brain works as an Aspergers child. Do you have any reports or information on this form of treatment? We are seriously considering a program like this for our daughter

Neurofeedback therapy is also known as EEG Biofeedback and Neurotraining. This treatment is a way to strengthen the brain by exercising it and causing it to create new connections. It is thought that Asperger's Syndrome and other autism spectrum conditions may be caused by atypical brain connections that occur during the development of the brain in the womb.

Neurofeedback is a method of conditioning the brain that has been proven effective in treating brain disorders. The brain is stimulated by sound, light and movement. Those stimuli cause the brain to react in different ways that it has acted previously. If that activity is reinforced, new connections are made in the brain and the brain learns to act differently on its own. These new connections are what can cause the symptoms of a disorder such as Asperger's to lessen or disappear.

This is not a quick process. Neurofeedback is essentially reconditioning the brain and this will take time. Only the physician can determine how much time this will take. Many people have reported success in treating Asperger's Syndrome with neurofeedback therapy. People have gravitated to this form of therapy when they either do not want to try drug therapy or have not found it to be successful. Neurofeedback should be used along with traditional talk therapies as well as behavioural therapies. It is not a stand-alone therapy and it has not been touted as a cure for Asperger's. It has been shown to be successful in lessening some of the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 121 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Speak to your physician about Neurofeedback and how it can be incorporated into your daughter's overall treatment plan. It is important to understand any potential drawbacks or side effects of any treatment you choose. It is also important to understand how a treatment such as neurofeedback can interact with any existing drug therapies or any other behavioural modification plans your daughter is undergoing.

Once you have these facts and have solicited the advice and opinion of your daughter's physician, you can make an informed decision about whether or not Neurofeedback is the right option for your daughter and your family.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 122 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

What is the best way to help other family members understand my daughter's fears and anxieties?

One way to introduce family members to Asperger's Syndrome (AS) is to tell them that it is closely linked to anxiety disorders, and approximately one in every ten children has been diagnosed with some form of anxiety disorder. Out of this population, half of these children have been diagnosed with two different types of anxiety disorders or an additional disorder like AS. Researchers have found a genetic link to anxiety, seen when a child develops anxiety and a parent or sibling is also coping with anxiety.

There is a four-step disclosure process which has been developed by Stephen Shore, a professor at Adelphi University and President Emeritus of the Asperger's Association of New England. This process explains the steps for informing others about Asperger's. The focus is on letting people know that AS is not a handicap that causes someone to be a failure. In fact, Dr. Shore's work views AS as a strength and a challenge, as opposed to a struggle filled with inabilities and failures.

Here is the four-step process:

1. When you tell relatives that your child has Asperger's Syndrome, explain to them that AS is a combination of behavioral traits, personal and physical strengths, and daily challenges. These elements define what we know as AS. Explain to them general facts about Asperger's, including the basic challenges children with Asperger's face, especially their difficulties in handling social situations. You can explain that children with Asperger's develop socially and emotionally about three to five years more slowly than children without Asperger's. In other words, they are less mature in behavior and emotional development. Also, explain that Asperger's requires much patience, special teaching techniques, help from parents, and counselling all through the child's life.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 123 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

2. A parent, relative, or caregiver, along with the child who has Asperger's, should sit down and list the child's strengths and challenges. (Please note the positive approach taken with this intervention; it helps encourage both the children and anyone who provides care.) A strength might be: "Rachel loves to learn about insects." A challenge might be: "Rachel finds brushing her teeth annoying."

3. Next, find one of the child's strengths and see if and how it is used to cope with one of the challenges of Asperger's. For example, if your child gets anxious when there are too many people around, but knows to go to her room to decompress, you can explain to relatives that the child will get anxious when many people are around and might go to a quieter part of the house for a while. Try to establish a complete list of struggles and ways that your child does or will be taught to handle them.

4. Make a list of your child's traits, stated positively (e.g.; she is not "obsessive," she is "extremely interested in learning about space"). Then, make a second list, which consists of the same trait seen in other people, "Sally Ride became the first woman astronaut because she was interested in space." Make it a point to compare your child's strengths/traits to other peoples' strengths/traits. This helps to "mainstream" your child and reduce any negative perceptions that people may have of her and AS.

When the people in your and your child's life become aware that your daughter has AS, they should be made aware that it is not a disease, and there is no cure. Relatives must learn to cope with this diagnosis, so that they can help the child. There are many resources available for children with AS, including those on this website.

People with AS experience challenges such as fears, making mistakes, and anxiety. Suggest books for your family, relatives, and friends to read. Tell them that people with AS need therapy, special classes, and often one or more medications to help them successfully maintain their health and successful life interactions.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 124 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Since my girl with Aspergers was only diagnosed 7 months ago and her behavior is ingrained (resistance to change, inability to speak to peers, teachers, etc.) and she's only spoken to her therapist once in 10 sessions, my biggest challenge is getting through to her so that we can move forward. What advise can you give?

Getting through to a child with Asperger's can be a challenge. Children can be stubborn and depending on the age of your child, behavior can be ingrained and hard to change. If you feel you've reached a point with your daughter where you feel stuck, it might be time to consult your physician or therapist.

When talking to your physician, talk through the challenges you are going through. Discuss her resistance to change and talk through some methods of dealing with that. One thing to discuss with your physician is your expectation for your daughter. How much change can you expect? How do you concentrate on trying to change the behaviors that are most important to you?

Talk through with your physician all the things you have tried to change your child's behavior. If you have exhausted all behavioral possibilities for change, you might want to talk through with her the possibility of introducing medication into your daughter's treatment plan, if that is something you are comfortable with. Many people are not comfortable giving medication to children, but in this instance, you might want to at least speak with the doctor about adding an anti-anxiety medication as a short term help to perhaps free your daughter to begin speaking.

Talk to your daughter's therapist about how to proceed if she is not speaking during therapy sessions. The therapist should have some suggestions for you. One suggestion might be to role-play a therapy session at home to help your daughter feel more comfortable and to help

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 125 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

her better understand what a therapy session looks like. Another suggestion might be to have you attend therapy with her for a session or two, if that might help relax her or open her up.

It would be a good idea to better understand your daughter's motivation behind not speaking in her therapy session. Often, children feel angry at being different and having to go to therapy. Sometimes, children will simply not be comfortable being in a session with a therapist. The close proximity and the lack of distractions can make children feel uncomfortable. If you have a better understanding of her motivation, you can better deal with the issues at hand.

You might also want to talk to a therapist yourself, discussing your frustration with your daughter's progress. Talking with someone can aid you in keeping your emotions in line and not getting frustrated with your daughter.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 126 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

How can I relate to my daughter in a way which doesn't cause a flair-up? She has said to me, "I don't understand you, mum, it's like you are talking a foreign language!"

To a young lady with Asperger's Syndrome (AS), you are speaking a foreign language. She does not understand when you talk about social interactions, other people's emotions and motivations, why she should do or not do certain things, and much more. She also cannot read your body language and will have difficulty understanding your facial expressions. Is it any wonder why she says you are speaking a foreign language?

Part of your job as the parent of a child with Asperger's is to teach her the "foreign" language - the language of social interaction and communication, the language of acceptable behavior in our society, and the language of emotion, motivation, and caring. It is not an easy job and it will go on for years.

Start by sitting down with your daughter and explaining to her that she has Asperger's Syndrome. Describe the symptoms to her and explain that this is why she does not understand what you say to her. Tell her that you want to help her and that the two of you can work together to help her learn to understand the "foreign" language. Reassure her that she is intelligent and wonderful and that you love her very much. Get a book about Asperger's for her to read, one written for kids of her age.

Next, make sure she has an academic diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, not just a medical one. To get that, request that her school test her, prepare an IEP (Individualized Education Plan), place her in an appropriate educational setting (either regular or special education), and provide her with needed interventions as indicated by her testing (counselling, social skills training, physical training, occupational therapy, etc.). The school is required to do this by law.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 127 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

While the testing is progressing, start working with her at home. You might want to start with Carol Gray's Social Stories. Social Stories help children with Asperger's learn how to handle social situations.

Another good idea is to establish a regular daily routine for her. She probably hates changes in routine, so this will help her avoid meltdowns. Meltdowns occur when a child with Asperger's feels overwhelmed by a situation, by sensory input, unsure of herself, or frightened. If you must change her routine in any way, tell her what will happen before it does and role play the change in routine to help her handle it. Also, establish a signal that she can give you when she feels she can't handle a situation. When she gives you the signal, remove her from the situation immediately.

Get counseling for her to help her learn how to handle her fears and anger, as well as develop social skills.

Try to help her find friends who understand her difficulties and will be supportive.

Make sure that she visits her doctor regularly and follows her advice.

Use lots of praise and encouragement whenever she behaves appropriately, tells you when she is feeling overwhelmed, and completes grooming tasks, chores, and homework.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 128 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

What is the best way to work through a parent's frustration and even irritation with a child with Asperger's and her repetitive/awkward behaviors and instead, focus on the unique and specific gifting she has?

All parents have moments of frustration with their children, regardless of any developmental conditions they may have. Behavior that draws the negative attention of others, like repetitive or awkward behaviors, increases a parent's anxiety. No parent wants their child to be the focus of negative attention. It is very important for the parent of a child with Asperger's Syndrome to work through these difficult issues without causing the child to suffer from selfesteem problems.

A child with Asperger's Syndrome has a developmental diagnosis, but does not have to be defined by that diagnosis. In other words, parents must remember that even though the behaviors are unloved, the child is much loved. Tackling the behaviors without destroying the child is the key. Focusing on the child's unique gifts will help. Here are a few suggestions.

It Is Not Her Fault

*

If parents can remember that the awkward behaviors presented by the child with

Asperger's Syndrome are not intentional, it will be easier to remain calm and to form a plan of action.

*

Maintaining therapy techniques, such as coping skills, sensory activities, and a set routine

aided by visuals, will help your child feel more in control of herself.

*

Try to set aside parent/child talk time each day. Children with Asperger's Syndrome are

usually very intelligent. They thrive on factual and precise direction. Talking through problems can help you both cope better and may help reduce awkward behaviors.

It Is Not Your Fault

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 129 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

*

Try to let go of any guilt you are feeling regarding your child's Asperger's diagnosis. You

did nothing to cause this condition, but there are many things you can do to make things better.

*

Remember to take care of yourself. This includes a proper diet, regular exercise, and

routine medical exams. If you are spiritual, prayer and meditation can help create peace in your life.

*

Learn as much as you can about your child's weaknesses and what types of activities,

nutrition, medication, and therapy techniques are best. Many of these approaches can be handled at home-some with the guidance of medical professionals and others on your own with research.

One last thought that may help you handle this situation is teamwork. Having a team that works well together in the best interest of the child is crucial. This team will include family, friends, medical professionals, mental health professionals, therapists, and school staff members. When everyone pitches in and does what is best for your child with Asperger's Syndrome, the stress and frustration for the parents is greatly reduced.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 130 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Expert Views on Aspergers Diagnosis in Girls: Tony Attwood and Wendy Lawson

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 131 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Earlier this year I had the great fortune to be able to interview 2 well known experts on Aspergers and ASD; Tony Atwood and Wendy Lawson.

Dr. Tony Attwood is the undisputed world's Leading Expert on Aspergers Syndrome. He has his own clinic in Australia, where he has worked with literally thousands of families with children who have Aspergers.

Wendy Lawson is a Psychologist, Counsellor and mother of 4 children (including one on the autism spectrum). And Wendy herself is diagnosed on the autistic spectrum; so has a wealth of knowledge and experience.

And in both of these interviews we discussed the issue of the diagnosis of girls with Aspergers. So I‘ve included the transcript of this below for your further reference…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 132 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Tony Attwood

Dave Angel - Can you tell me what some of the significant differences are for clinicians when working on assessment for a girl as opposed to a boy with Asperger's Syndrome?

Tony Attwood - Okay. As far as we know, the core characteristics of Asperger's in girls is the same as the boys. The difference is how they react to it; not the condition itself.

And so, boys tend to be clumsy, oppressive, annoying, argumentative and difficult. And if they get upset, they're likely to become quite agitated. Whereas the girl may have an approach which is more intelligent but may cause them to be camouflaged.

One of the things that they may do is for example, imitation or mimicry. You're not very good at socializing, okay. I'll look at those who are good. I will watch. I will observe from a distance. I will try and work out what's going on and then I'll give it a try. Or I will become someone for the situation. I will learn how to act, to fake it till I make it. And so for that individual, what they're doing is taking someone at school who's popular and becoming that person in terms of body language, clothing, et cetera, so it's imitation.

Sometimes the girls would escape into imagination. And what they will do is have imaginary friends and imaginary worlds and witches and wizards and all sorts of things including imaginary friends. And by escaping into imagination, you're not a problem. You are just considered to have attention deficit disorder and you're off with the fairies, literally. But you're no trouble. But you've escaped into another world because you don't understand this world.

And they also know how to be on the periphery of activities and to be good. And when I watched the girls as they progressed, they can either be a goody-goody in terms of they're too good almost at school, not necessarily at home. But they know, "I don't want to be noticed. I don't want people to see that I make a mistake." And so, they're very well behaved.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 133 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

But to some, especially in adolescence, they may go completely off the rails and be a major problem. They tend to be the goody-goody or just totally destroy all conventions. So the girls often seem to suffer in silence. They seem to adjust to the situations by mimicry, intelligent working things out.

But also, girls tend, with Asperger's, not to be bitchy. And so they may have one genuine friend who is almost like their personal teacher assistant in the classroom who guides them. In return, the girl with Asperger's is a very kind, supportive, and loyal person, with one friend who provides the support. But if that friend moves to another town, unfortunately, the person has no idea how to make new friends.

And I think what tends to occur is that the girl can cope reasonably well in a primary school. But at high school, just like in secondary school, when they are in more intense social interpersonal situations, all the problems of hormones, the chaos and confusion of a secondary school, it means that sometimes their stress levels are so great that they develop an anxiety disorder, selective mutism, they have all sorts of problem, may be depression, self-injury. All those sorts of things that are recurring and that's when they come to people's attention, when they can't cope any more.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 134 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Wendy Lawson

Dave Angel - So do you feel in your lectures tours and meeting people on the road and all the rest of it, are you coming across people that you think as being wrongly diagnosed?

Wendy Lawson - I do. I am coming across that, and especially women… I think women often present differently than guys. Because perhaps we already have a bit of a social disposition with our XX chromosome. So I think that it often gets masked and maybe we hide in reading books or in music or horses and animals, this kind of thing. And so our obsessive disposition doesn't get picked up. And then of course we fail at relationships. And often self-care; we fail at not being able to manage things like finances and budgeting and household stuff and all the expectations of women to be clean and tidy, take care of your home, these sorts of things. There are so many things to navigate in our daily lives that we often... If we're all focused on those things, we might get those things done but not be able to have a job. Or if we have a job, we'd get that done and not the other. This kind of thing where, I think it's missed and we get put down to, yeah, personality disorder and things like this which of course autism is not.

Dave Angel - Sure, sure and certainly the statistics as far as I'm aware sort of they're out done in terms to the amount of males that are diagnosed compared to females with sort of Asperger's, HFA, that kind of thing.

Wendy Lawson - Yes. It's catching up. They used to say it was one to four, but I believe more recently we're thinking that a lot more females are on the spectrum that first was thought of, and more likely one to two.

Dave Angel - Yeah. That's excellent and I've noticed certainly in the last maybe three or four years, a lot more literature on the subject as well. I've got a number of books that I've started looked at around Asperger's and girls in front of me that sort of seems to have sprung out fairly recently, which is obviously a good thing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 135 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog

Wendy Lawson - Yes. Rudy Simone's book, Aspergirls, I would particularly recommend. It's interesting because one of the things in that book, or generally, when it talks about women is kind of catering to women who might like fashion, perfumes, makeup, really girly girl type women, which I'm not. So I often think we should have a middle sex. Yay!

Dave Angel - An in between.

Wendy Lawson - An in between.

Dave Angel - Absolutely, yeah. I mean, it's very difficult isn't it? Generalization will spring up from these things.

Wendy Lawson - Well, unfortunately. Unfortunately, it's often... It's quite common in the world of autism, more common than the typical population which is interesting.

Dave Angel - Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. And yeah, we need to be aware of all the different nuances within these things and not generalize, don't we?

Wendy Lawson - Yeah.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 136 For Free Weekly Aspergers Tips  www.ParentingAspergers.com/blog