Personality plus Florence Littauer Purpose: ~ understanding what makes your child tick ~ gives us grace in parenting! Step 1: Understand/Identifying Parent Personalities Sanguine (Popular) Parent “The popular parent lives to have fun and thrives on an audience...Ever the showman, the Sanguine parent would like to have the starring role and an eternal position on center stage without the responsibility for any of the hard work or details.” Choleric (Powerful) Parent “Cholerics believe that if everyone would only do things their way - immediately - we could all live happily ever after... A Powerful Parent’s strength lies in motivational and action skills, while one of her weaknesses is an expectation of instant obedience from all those around.” Melancholy (Perfect) Parent “The Perfect Parent is what all others wish they were: clean...punctual..detailconscious... sincere...steadfast. This person takes on raising children as a serious lifetime project. Melancholy parents risk raising kids that don’t fit a “perfect” mold despite their best efforts.” Phlegmatic (Peaceful) Parent “Peaceful parents have the kind, low-key, relaxed, patient, sympathetic nature we find so agreeable...they don’t argue, they roll with the punches, and they’re never irrational or hysterical. Peaceful parents must force themselves to invest energy into their relationships with their children lest communication become nonexistent.”

Step 2: Identify Children’s’ Personalities Sanguine Choleric Melancholy Phlegmatic -

Personality #1 - Sunny Sanguine Traits * The Four A’s Attention Approval Affection Acceptance * They are completely charming! * They always have an answer * Completely adventurous * Obsessed with clothes * Unusual creativity Warnings * They will look for acceptance in unhealthy places if they don’t feel it from parents * Criticism without approval will cause them to lose interest in doing what’s right * They are uncomfortable with silence * More spills/drops * Difficulty with names * Big spenders * See the connection of sex appeal to attention As Parents: Balance fun with focus and discipline Refrain from doing jobs for them; praise them for anything accomplished Help them evaluate schedules S:

avoid competition for attention make an extra effort to instill discipline beware of phony repentance

C:

watch for too much work offer extra praise if you want them to follow your leadership Cholerics are focused on results while Sanguines want fun

M:

watch too much criticism can become class clown focus on positive; reward jobs well done Not neat/clean! Checklists less effective Emotional understanding needed Home and Beyond Don’t insist on too much detail

P:

Not everything is a Morality Play Lavish affection Few accomplishments unless it’s fun Organization/responsibility needed Watch when it’s too quiet Picture Time

Personality #2 - Controlling Choleric I didn’t know whether to put most of these things under traits or warnings! Traits * Need Appreciation * Desire loyalty * Want Control * Perfect and Orderly - when they want to be * They want to win * Act now, think later * Manners Warnings * They want to make the rules * They want their way ONLY way * Constantly testing to see what they can get away with * No consequences? As Parents: * Teach the difference between confident or cute and being cocky * Power struggle from day one * Give them charge of something that it’s appropriate they control! * They are bound for success if you can properly channel their leadership skills * Develop a heart for the hurting! S:

Watch reversing roles Keep expecting respect

C:

Watch exclusiveness Take off single-minded blinders Don’t let fight for control be normal

M:

Keep C child on your side Give credit Provide daily challenges/affirmation Stubborn to the core

P:

Establish authority daily Don’t choose the easy road! Don’t allow anger to build. Healthier isn’t easier Take care of yourself as this combination can be draining!

Personality #3 - Meticulous Melancholy Traits: * Sensitivity, Support, Space, Silence * Interprets things literally * Neatniks * Very orderly and scheduled * Tender Hearts Warnings: * Sensitivity, support, space, silence * Overly Dramatic * Affirm the differences As Parents: * Their ability to detail and analyze will make them high achievers * Their sensitive spirit will make them compassionate * Help them cope with a less than perfect world * Give them plenty of love and support; compliment them sincerely * Allow them to spend quiet time alone S:

Take time for him Don’t cheer him up! Be ready to draw them out Everything’s “fine” Be ready for conversation when it comes They need space They see embarrassment, not humor Opposite concepts of time No surprises

C:

Don’t crush his spirit with your quick actions Be careful choosing practical things over making them feel special Love without as much lecture Listen first!! Encourage assertiveness Realize their valid opinions

M:

* look to develop talents * Guard against your own depression * Keep standards within reasonable reach *Don’t see faults as more serious than they are! * Enjoy time together * Cherish loyalty and sensitivity

P:

* Watch for a loss of communication! * Dig deep * Enjoy the quietness/lack of conflict * Take the initiative to motivate them

Personality #4 - Pleasant Phlegmatic Traits: * crave peace and quiet * usually interested in one main thing * showing options is better than nagging * absolutely love relaxing Warnings: * although low-key emotionally, they will feel especially insecure if their needs are not met * easy for them to slip through the cracks * innate desire to do things the easy way * will desperately avoid hard, tedious work if it doesn’t fit their interests * they give up easily * sweet most of the time, but when the right button is pushed, they have a will of iron As Parents: * they lack the internal drive so they need parents to help them set and achieve goals * they need to learn to examine the options and not always follow the crowd * be grateful for the peace and relaxation they can bring to a home * don’t let them get lazy and drift through life * Give them high motivation and set specific goals * Presidents Eisenhower, Ford, and Bush were all Phelgmatic! S:

* traumatized when parents push for an instant decision

C:

M:

P:

* sense of humor and spontaneous actions are embarrassing * they would choose to be inconvenienced instead of publicly reprimanded for not following rules * creativity sometimes humiliates them * forgetfulness often creates a scare for Ph kids * aggressive motivation often doesn’t work * use kind words to motivate * it’s hard to understand they don’t always have an opinion * they need to be affirmed within their own personality or they will think there is something wrong with them * Don’t do too much for them * consider ALL the facts before making rash judgments * more than other combos of personalities - you need to choose your battles * They are on their own time frame - not yours * Both are more agreeable and gentle, so they mix well. * Make extra effort to praise and guide and affirm child * Different levels of perfection * Watch allowing kids to get overly distracted and lost in their world * Compromise on their comfort zone * Because both are determined t not to sweat the small stuff, they can get lost in noncommunication * Develop self-discipline and model it for kids * Don’t avoid confrontation all the time! * It’s fun to relax * Building meaningful conversation is vital!

Personality Plus Possible Discussion questions

If necessary - start with a review of the 4 different personalities. 1. Can you figure out your personality from the brief descriptions given ? 2. Review why the personalities are good learning tools in parenting. 3. When you think about your children's personalities, which child will offer the most challenges to you? Give a tangible idea how you will better love/ care for that child.

4. Discuss the danger of using the personalities as an excuse for condoning inappropriate behavior. What are some ways you can guard against this? 5. Name something specific you can do today for a certain child as a result of understanding the personality concept better. 6. Think about specific verbiage you can use with your children that will help teach them some of the personality concepts. How can you discuss these concepts with them? 7. Explore areas other than with your children where knowing/understanding the personalities would be a benefit. Share your thoughts.