BRINGING

PEACE & HARMONY TO THE

BLENDED FAMILY Where Everyone Feels at Home

DR. KEVIN LEMAN

DISCUSSION GUIDE (Permission is granted by the publisher to download from www.sampsonresources.com)

SAMPSON RESOURCES 4887 Alpha Rd, Ste 220 Dallas, Texas 75244 800-371-5248 Fax 972-387-0150

www.sampsonresources.com [email protected] Copyright 2011 The Sampson Company

Lesson 1

BEFORE ALL OF US SAY “I DO” Preparing for the Challenges and Rewards of Blending Families SCRIPTURE Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. Ephesians 5:22-26 (NKJV) DISCUSSION 1. Dr. Leman speaks often about being on a ship and charting our course. Share something about your blended family’s situation by completing the sentence with one or more of the statements below. “Today my blended family’s journey is somewhat like a ship . . . . . . in dry dock being fitted out and loaded.” . . . pulling away from the dock.” . . . making solid progress on course.” . . . headed for stormy seas.” . . . trying to chart a course toward calmer seas.” 2. Dr. Leman offers helpful suggestions for individuals who are dating or engaged. One suggestion is to date continuously for two years. Discuss specific behaviors or attitudes you think individuals could not hide for two years. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 3. If you’re already in a blended family, share what has worked well for your dating or pre-marriage period – and what you would do differently. Make some notes based on others’ thoughts. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 4. Dr. Leman suggests that people conduct a “credibility check” on persons they intend to marry. Jot down questions or statements you might use if you get a chance to talk to the intended’s exspouse. Share your statements with the group. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 5. List three or four important reasons you want or wanted to marry your future mate or mate. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 1

6. Did you fall in “love” or fall in “need”? Look at the reasons you listed in #8. Check the reasons you think might be based on need. Discuss what a couple might say or do if they made a list and found they had fallen in “need” instead of in “love.” Write down your thoughts. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 7. Dr. Leman described the mortar of the foundation of many blended families as anger, jealousy, guilt, and love, when Christ must really be our foundation in marriage. Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 below. Circle the words and phrases that might describe some of the bricks needed in the foundation of your marriage. Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 APPLICATION 8. Dr. Leman stressed how marriage can honor Christ by husbands and wives participating in a 100/100 relationship. Consider your own attitudes and actions and write down some ways you and your mate or future mate can contribute to this “give-all-you’ve-got” kind of relationship. Discuss your thoughts with your spouse or intended spouse this week. Pray together about areas in which you both need to move from a 50/50 mindset to a 100/100 mindset. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 9. You must know where you are going if you are going to chart a course for the journey of your blended family. Part of your planning is to expect and plan for storms. Identify your potential storms and come top agreement as to how you will handle them. Write your thoughts below. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ Pray with your mate or future mate and ask God to help you develop a marriage that will honor Him. Remember, your goal is to bring peace and harmony to the blended family. If the information this week has revealed some stress points, determine to make the best of your situation, whatever it may be. Blending families is challenging, but with God’s help, you can do it! Think of it as a process – not simply a wedding. Dr. Leman suggests that it takes three to seven years for blending to take place. It is an ongoing process. Make a commitment to complete the journey. In other words, once your ship has sailed, stick with it. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. 1 Corinthians 8:1b

2

Lesson 2

“WITH THESE KIDS I THEE WED” What to DO When You’re Including More than TWO SCRIPTURE “…but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15 (NKJV) DISCUSSION 1. Oliver had his own room before his mom married “that man” after divorcing Oliver’s father. Oliver is a first grader who now must share a room with his new stepbrother, Alan. Alan is a second grader and was an only child. His mom died with cancer about two years ago. Oliver always left the bathroom light on at night. Alan can’t sleep with a light on, so bedtime brings conflict each night. If you were Oliver’s parents, what might you do to make Oliver and Alan feel safe and comfortable in their home? _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 2. Think about barriers that might prevent your children from feeling safe in their blended-family home. Make some notes and share with the group. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 3. Most blended families realize they are beginning a new journey under less than ideal circumstances. However, you can live above your circumstances by allowing God to work in your life through your circumstances. Read the following passages from the life of Joseph who came from a dysfunctional family, but whom God used to preserve the nation of Israel. Write a brief description of Joseph’s circumstances in the second column. You may not have time to identify all the passages during the session, but share one or two with the group. Review the other passages during the coming week. Scripture Joseph’s Circumstance Anger, Jealousy, Guilt, Love _______________________________________________________________________________ Genesis 37:3-4 _______________________________________________________________________________ Genesis 37:5-11 _______________________________________________________________________________ Genesis 37:20 _______________________________________________________________________________ Genesis 39:7-20 _______________________________________________________________________________ Genesis 43:16-18 _______________________________________________________________________________ 3

Genesis 43:29-30 _______________________________________________________________________________ Genesis 45:4-15 _______________________________________________________________________________ 4. Identify which emotion (s) or mortar of the foundation of the blended family you see at work in each of Joseph’s circumstances. Discuss your choices with the group. Write your answers in the third column of the chart above. 5. Do the math: Expectations – Reality = Disillusionment. Dr. Leman reminded us in the first lesson to expect anger, guilt, jealousy, and love in blended families. Discuss ways your family may have experienced any of these feelings. Anger__________________________________________________________________________ Guilt___________________________________________________________________________ Jealousy________________________________________________________________________ Love___________________________________________________________________________ 6. We know that children gain strength and security by practicing familiar traditions. Write down some traditions each family has brought into your present blended family and how important it is to maintain as many of these traditions as possible. Christmas_______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ Easter__________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ Thanksgiving____________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ Birthdays_______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ Vacations_______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ Other__________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 7. Talk about ways of developing new traditions for each holiday or special occasion. Keep in mind that you are not necessarily deciding to make changes now – you are just considering ways to celebrate together as a family. 4

APPLICATION 8. Dr. Leman suggests that blended families schedule meetings once a week in the beginning. What are some areas that might be discussed? _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 9. If your family is in the process of blending, who specifically is in the blender? Are you blending or are you chopping? Dr. Leman suggests that mom and dad must blend first. Who are some other extended family members that need to blend as well? _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ Remember, blending must begin with mom and dad if you really want to bring peace and harmony to your family. Share the commitment that Joshua made when he said, “But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Continue to ask God to lead you as you steer your family toward calm waters. “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” John 15:12

5

Lesson 3

BLENDING WITHOUT COLLIDING Working Together to Build a Home Where Everybody Wins SCRIPTURE Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:1-4 (NKJV) DISCUSSION 1. Take a few moments to mention some challenges and issues that blended families must face in the way of agreements, promises and understandings – before and after marriage – in order to survive. ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ 2. We are reminded that family members often bring emotional struggles into the new home. What are some examples of emotional issues that might surface in blended families? ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ 3. Blended families can avoid the unnecessary collisions between parents and children by walking on the “balance beam of life.” Read Ephesians 6:1-4 to discover God’s “balance beam of life.” Write down what you think applies to children in this passage. Share together. Children_____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ 4. Write down what you think applies to parents in the above passage. Share together. Parents______________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ 5. God commands children to obey their parents, and He commands parents to discipline their children. How did you develop your particular style of child discipline? Did you learn from your parents, by attending seminars, reading books, etc.? Does it work? Discuss together. ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ 6. Reality discipline is an action-oriented way to make your children accountable for their actions. The ultimate goal of reality discipline is to get the child to be able to deal in practical ways with the reality of the authority of God, established in and through Jesus Christ. 6

Discuss some ways we send our children the wrong message by warning them four or five times about something instead of taking corrective action early on, i.e., telling a child over and over to go to bed before applying a consequence for their disobedience. What are we really telling them when we do this? Share together as a group. 7. While you may find it difficult to love your spouse’s children at first, you must accept them and respect them. One way to do this is to recognize and encourage their character traits instead of just their outward appearance or performance. For example, instead of focusing on the child’s performance in soccer, tell the child how proud you are to see how well he or she gets along with the other players or follows the coach’s instructions. Discuss what parents might say instead of simply focusing on a child’s outward performance. ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ 8. Discuss might focusing on internal characteristics lessen sibling rivalry? Share together. 9. Review the reality discipline principles below. Which principle do you think is hardest for you to practice consistently and why? Discuss together.       

Stop repeating warnings; instead, take corrective action immediately. Stay in healthy authority. Hold children accountable for their choices. Let reality be the teacher. No one member of the family is more important than the family itself. Relationships come before rules. Stand shoulder-to-shoulder as parents.

APPLICATION 10. Read Romans 12:1-2. Paraphrase these verses as a commitment to build a Christian home where parents have the courage to discipline their children. 11. Write a prayer sharing your concerns about how to discipline children in the blended family. Thank God for providing the ultimate model of discipline in the way He loves us in spite of our mistakes and failures. Pray for the other participants in your group. ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ Remember, blended families often bring emotional struggles with them to the home. Parents have an awesome responsibility to guide and nurture children. You can know you are serving under the authority of God as you make the best decisions possible when you discipline children in your family. Dare to be different from the world. Working together is the key to building a home where everybody wins. He who keeps instruction is in the way of life, but he who refuses correction goes astray. Proverbs 10:17 7

Lesson 4

SURVIVING THE BIRTH ORDER BLENDER How Your Unique Birth Order Affects Your Relationships SCRIPTURE For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. Psalm 139:13-14 (NKJV) DISCUSSION 1. Fill in the missing item from the pairs below: Peaches and ______________________. Oil and _______________________. Nuts and ________________________. Night and ______________________. Share your pairs. Some of these are opposites while some just seem to go together. Some participants might have said oil and vinegar while others might have said oil and water. The oil and vinegar mix or blend, but oil and water don’t. Some ingredients just seem to go together better than others. Share examples of personality types that may or may not blend. Consider sharing personal experiences, if appropriate, and how you have handled them. 2. Dr. Leman feels that families can facilitate the blending process by recognizing the different roles and distinct personalities that emerge in the family, especially in terms of birth order. He suggests there are certain characteristics that people tend to have, based on their birth order. Circle any characteristics that your birth order might reveal. Firstborn

Middle

Lastborn

Only Child

Perfectionist Driven Organized Scholarly List-maker Logical Leader Compliant Aggressive

Feels squeezed Sociable Compromising Compatible Mediator Independent Non-competitive Impatient Avoids conflict

Attention-getter People person Charming Manipulative Natural sales person Blames others Precocious Engaging The “clown”

Perfectionist Super firstborn Hates failure Dependable High expectations Older/younger friends Super organized Super achiever “Adult” behavior

3. Look at the typical characteristics for all birth orders. Circle or highlight other characteristics from the chart even if they do not apply to your birth order. For example, If you are a middle child but have characteristics of the firstborn, circle them. Don’t fret over fitting or not fitting the mold. 8

4. Identify the characteristics that best describe your personality. Share some of your conclusions with the group. 5. Focus on your spouse now. Use the chart to check-mark the personality characteristics you think your spouse possesses. Make some notes below. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 6. Compare your characteristics in #2 with those of your spouse in #4. Identify which characteristics you think may complement each other. Next, identify those you think may clash. Keep in mind that these are not necessarily good or bad characteristics. Consider the ease or difficulty of blending. Share your opinions with the other participants. Complementary characteristics of my spouse and me: ___________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ Potential problem areas: __________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 7. Now consider the children in your family. Identify them by name on the chart. Circle the appropriate sex of each child and fill in the chart for all children in your family. Remember to use the birth order from the family into which the children were born. For example, your daughter may be a middle child now, but she was born into her original family as a firstborn; so place her as the mom or dad’s first. Use the same chart in #2 to identify characteristics of each child. If you need more room, draw your own chart on another piece of paper. Mom’s Dad’s Mom’s Dad’s Mom’s Dad’s Mom’s Dad’s Only Only First First Middle Middle Last Last ______________________________________________________________________________ M or F M or F M or F M or F M or F M or F M or F M or F_________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ 8. Discuss how you think understanding birth order can help bring peace and harmony to your family where everybody can feel comfortable. Share together. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 9

9. Family meetings have been mentioned often during these lessons. After thinking about birth order, you may think you need family meetings more than ever. You developed an agenda for such a meeting in lesson 2. Now work as a group to develop some ground rules that you think will recognize your family members’ differences as individuals, yet will contribute toward bringing peace and harmony to your family. Consider beginning with rules of communication, such as everyone’s having the right to speak without being interrupted. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ APPLICATION 10. What does the word “blend” mean to you? Share your thoughts. 11. Think about the expectations formula again ( Expectations – Reality = Disillusionment). Based on what you have learned about birth order, what unrealistic expectations might you be hanging on to that can work against you and your spouse? _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 12. Read Galatians 6:1-5 during the coming week as an encouragement to keep working toward the goal of bringing peace and harmony to your family. Remember, God created each of us as special, unique individuals who are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). Your family ship has a new crew now. Make a commitment to steer it toward the port of peace and harmony, even though the wind may try to blow you into the port of disillusionment. Learn to appreciate each other’s differences, then commit to work through any unexpected challenges you may encounter along the way. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 5:2

10

Lesson 5

SAME LANGUAGE – DIFFERENT DIALECT How to Communicate so Both Spouses Will Listen and Keep on Loving SCRIPTURE The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” …so the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. Genesis 2:18, 21-22 (NKJV) DISCUSSION 1. Most people agree that men and women are as different as night and day! Jot down some ways you and your spouse are different, and be as specific as possible – particularly in terms of your likes and dislikes. Remember, you are not trying to resolve your differences – only identify them. Share some of your differences with the group. Wife likes: ______________________________________________________________________ Wife dislikes:____________________________________________________________________ Husband likes: ___________________________________________________________________ Husband dislikes:_________________________________________________________________ 2. Circle one of your differences that you think has the greatest potential for future problems and discuss why you think this difference might pose a problem. Make some notes and discuss. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 3. Tamara enjoys waking up slowly. She doesn’t like to talk and tends to be grumpy until she’s finished her second cup of coffee. Ben, on the other hand, is the classic morning person who springs into action before the alarm clock goes off. As a group, discuss how this couple can make allowances for each other’s differences. Do any in your group have similar differences? Talk about it. 4. We are reminded that just as men and women are made differently, husbands and wives communicate differently. Talk about some of the communication differences between you and your spouse. Make some notes. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 5. It is estimated that women use 3.5 times as many words as men. Why do you think this is? Now discuss with two or three women how you can improve communication with your husbands. Husbands should do the same. Share your conclusions with the group. 11

6. Dr. Leman has suggested other reasons why couples don’t communicate well. Place a question mark (?) to the left of the statements you think may be true about you. Place an exclamation mark (!) to the left of the statements you know are true about you. Ignorance – don’t know how Fear – afraid to tell each other the truth Difficult – too hard to be open and honest Discouragement – just so discouraged Inattention – really don’t see/hear the opportunity to communicate Now do the same thing for your spouse. Only this time, put the marks to the right of the statements. Compare your findings and discuss them together. 7. Love languages indicate that we communicate differently. In other words, we tell one another how much we love each other in different ways. Circle the love language you think your spouse prefers. List ways you can “speak” in his or her love language. For example, if your spouse’s love language is physical touch, you may need to be more assertive in your sex life. Be specific with your ideas and share with the group when appropriate. Be sensitive to your spouse. Physical touch___________________________________________________________________ Quality time____________________________________________________________________ Acts of service__________________________________________________________________ Words of affirmation_____________________________________________________________ Gifts__________________________________________________________________________ APPLICATION James chapter 3 describes the tongue as a strong and potentially dangerous member of the human body. It’s like a bulldozer! It can build up – it can tear down. Maybe you need to forgive one another for things you have said or done that have bulldozed your spouse. Maybe you need to quit blaming each other for not being able to read the other’s mind. James described the tongue as being like the rudder of a ship that can cause the chip to change directions. Remember the illustration of our “blended” ship. Is your ship being steered by a runaway tongue into dangerous seas? Are you pouting because you don’t like how the captain speaks to you – and yet the captain has no clue what is wrong except that you aren’t really acting like a member of the crew? Ask God to help you discover ways to communicate effectively with your spouse and allow Christ to guide your home into safe, calm waters. “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Genesis 2:23-24 12

Lesson 6

LOOKING AT LIFE THROUGH YOUR MATE’S EYES Learning from What You See so Your Marriage Can Be All God Wants It to Be! SCRIPTURE Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 (NKJV) DISCUSSION 1. What does “looking at life through your mate’s eyes” suggest to you? Do you think it’s possible? Make some notes and discuss your thoughts with the group. ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ 2. The six stages of the blended family marriage that Dr. Leman gave us are: 1) Expectation; 2) Reality; 3) Disillusionment; 4) License; 5) Separation or divorce; and 6) “Gracefullove.” All marriages go through stages 1 and 2 to some degree, while stages 3 through 5 are potential pitfalls you may or may not experience. Stage 6 should be the goal for all marriages. Share your thoughts concerning stages 1 and 2. Expectation: ____________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ Reality: ________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 3. Read Proverbs 13:12 and describe the “hope deferred” in this verse that can lead to disillusionment. Disillusionment: _________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 4. For stage 4 – license – list some examples of ways spouses might permit themselves to tamper in areas that may have been off limits before. Share your ideas even though they may be general. Think of specific ways you might be tempted to allow yourself to say or do things, some of which you may feel are justified by your mate’s actions or attitudes. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________

13

5. Read Genesis 39:2 – 12 and James 4:7-8a. What decision do you think Joseph made before this incident that protected his character and principles? Write down your thoughts. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 6. What can you say or do to lessen the chances of a man or woman making unwelcome advances toward you? Share with the group and write helpful suggestions below. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 7. Stage 5 – separation or divorce – is a potential pitfall. Imagine one of your friends saying, “Don’t worry – if it doesn’t work out, you can always get a divorce.” How would you respond? Share together. 8. Dr. Leman developed his own word for stage 6. He combines “grace,” “ full,” and “love” into one word. Discuss what you think might be a good definition for “gracefullove” and write it below. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 9. Review the following unfair “fighting” tactics Dr. Leman identified. Read each tactic and discuss things mates might say or do to illustrate each one. Unfair “Fighting” Tactic

Example

Universalizing – Avoids identifying or dealing with specific problems Character-killing – Attacks people, not problems Cloud-covering – Clouds or confuses the issue Upping the ante – Tries to bring up an earlier incident that seems worse than the present one Scatter-bombing – Presents a long list of a spouse’s unrelated faults Mothballing – Pulls out old hurts Spitting in your soup – Lays on guilt while making the situation worse for himself or herself 14

APPLICATION 10. You were encouraged at the beginning of lesson one to consider this study as a journey. In what direction do you think your family is headed? If you look back, you will find that you shared something about your blended family’s situation by completing one or more of the statements below. Revisit your statement. Remember, your answer may or not be the same. Share your answers with the group. Today, my blended family journey is more like a ship . . . . . . in dry dock being fitted out and loaded. . . . pulling away from the dock. . . . making solid progress on course. . . . headed for stormy seas. . . . trying to chart a course toward calmer seas. 11. This study in itself has been somewhat of a journey. You’re getting ready to head back to your home port. Dr. Leman’s closing words of advice were to conduct family meetings, build one brick at a time, and grow to love each other. Jot down and discuss together a few thoughts that have been most helpful to you in the study. _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ Remember, it can take as many as three to seven years for a blended family to achieve the goal of peace and harmony, but you don’t have to wait three to seven years before experiencing the joys of a fulfulling relationship with your spouse and children. And while blending is an ongoing process and there are likely to be some conflicts and disagreements along the way, with God’s help, your ship will arrive safely at its destination – a blended family where everyone feels at home. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

15