ORPHIE & THE BOOK OF HEROES an original musical music by Michael Kooman book and lyrics by Christopher Dimond

CONTACT: Jonathan Mills Paradigm 360 Park Avenue South 16th Floor New York, NY 10010 212.897.6400 [email protected]

© Christopher Dimond & Michael Kooman, 2015

CAST ORPHIE (11)

A spunky, pigtailed girl. of a tomboy.

A bit

HOMER

A blind poet and Orphie's guardian.

NEMEAN DANDELION HYDRA CERBERUS

Three fantastical monsters in Orphie's imagination.

AESCHYLUS EURIPIDES (12-ish) SOPHOCLES

Three school boys. The Ancient Greek equivalent of Mean Girls.

HADES

Lord of the Underworld. Urbane and charming, but dangerous.

HERACLES

A hero with an ego the size of the Persian empire. A cross between a movie star and an obnoxious athlete.

HERMES

Messenger to the Gods. Loquacious, insecure, and neurotic.

AGLIOPE PEISINOE TELLY

Sassy Sirens.

PERSEPHONE

Hades's depressed wife.

ATLAS

A gigantic, cantankerous Titan with a sensitive side.

PEGASUS

A flying horse/flight attendant.

TANTALUS/SISYPHUS

Residents of the Underworld.

STATUE OF LIBERTY

The Statue of Liberty SETTING

Ancient Greece.

POSSIBLE DOUBLING FOR 7 ACTORS: 1.

Orphie

2.

Persephone/Cerberus #3/Statue of Liberty

3.

Homer

4.

Aeschylus/Telly/Sisyphus/Pegasus/Cerberus #2

5.

Euripides/Heracles/Agliope/Tantalus/Hydra

6.

Sophocles/Hermes/Peisinoe/Cerberus #1

7.

Hades/Atlas/Dandelion

AT RISE: ORPHIE, wearing a homemade helmet, stands, role playing and narrating as the Parthenon set transforms into Homer’s Garden. ORPHIE In the beginning, there was only chaos. Out of chaos came Darkness and Night, Light and Day, the Heavens and Earth. From the Heavens and Earth sprung the gods, and then came the greatest age of them all: the Age of Heroes. (she draws her sword) The heroes performed daring feats of bravery, fetching the Golden Fleece, sacking the city of Troy, and... (she sighs and looks down at the garden) Weeding the garden. (she gives the garden a loud “raspberry”) Orphie?

Orphie?

HOMER (O.S.) Orphie Extraordinary! ORPHIE

Homer! (Enter HOMER) HOMER Are you quite finished with your chores, child? ORPHIE Almost. HOMER I may be blind, my girl, but I’m not that blind. ORPHIE Heroes don’t weed gardens. HOMER Orphie-Please, Homer.

ORPHIE Just one story?

Orphie, my dear child--

HOMER ORPHIE A story of adventures, and monsters, and the greatest hero who ever lived.

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2

I know no such story.

HOMER ORPHIE Told by the greatest storyteller who ever lived. HOMER You have the cunning of Odysseus, my girl. ORPHIE The story of the great hero Heracles. HOMER Sing, muse, of the great hero Heracles, charged by the gods to complete twelve impossible labors. ORPHIE And so? HOMER Our hero sets out to complete his first labor. task filled with danger at every turn. What kind of danger?

A perilous

ORPHIE (the actors transform the set again, creating a fantastical landscape) HOMER The ground begins to tremble. ORPHIE But Heracles was not afraid. The skies turn black.

HOMER ORPHIE But Heracles presses on. HOMER The Earth beneath him splits open... ORPHIE But Heracles would not fail. HOMER Our hero draws his trusty blade... (ORPHIE draws her sword) ORPHIE And finds himself face to face with... 1/27/15

3 HOMER The ferocious Nemean Dandelion. (the NEMEAN DANDELION has been completed) DANDELION WOE TO THE ANCIENT GREEKS WHO CROSS MY PATH. WOE TO THE HERO WHO INVOKES MY WRATH. LIKE JASON, DECKED OUT IN BRONZE AND BRASS. TASTY JASON, I SWALLOWED WHOLE, ALAS! FOR HE GAVE ME AWFUL GAS. ORPHIE You’ve drunk your last drop of hero’s blood, you wretched weed of the wild. Heracles!

DANDELION (Throughout the following, ORPHIE slays the DANDELION) ORPHIE THEN HE STRINGS HIS BOW, TURNS TO FACE HIS FOE. HIS HONOR IS REWARDED. HERACLES TAKES AIM. HE EARNS HIS FAME. YES, HIS NAME WILL BE RECORDED IN THE BOOK OF HEROES. HOMER But no sooner had he begun his quest to water the azaleas, then he was set upon by the nefarious Hydra. (The HYDRA, comprised of several hoses, appears) HYDRA NOW LITTLE HERO, YOU MUST DEAL WITH ME. FEAR YE THE HYDRA, SERPENT OF THE SEA. ACHILLES, WHO NEVER KNEW A LOSS. ACHILLES, I ATE WITH TARTAR SAUCE. AND I USED HIS BONES AS FLOSS. And now, time for dessert. (She slays the HYDRA) ORPHIE 1/27/15

4 WITH HIS TRUSTY SHIELD, HE TAKES THE FIELD. A HERO FOR THE AGES. WITH HIS SWORD IN HAND, HE TAKES A STAND. AND HE FILLS A THOUSAND PAGES OF THE BOOK OF HEROES. HOMER WHEN SWORDS ARE CLASHING, AND SLASHING THROUGH THE AIR. ORPHIE WHEN SHIELDS ARE CRASHING, AND DANGER’S EVERYWHERE. BOTH A THOUSAND SPEARS MAY GLISTEN IN THE SUN. A HERO WILL NOT RUN. ‘TIL THE BATTLE’S WON. (CERBERUS, the three headed hound of Hades, appears) CERBERUS WOE TO THE MAN WHO TREADS UPON THIS GROUND. Cerberus!

ORPHIE CERBERUS NOW FACE THE DREADED GREAT THREE HEADED HOUND. ORPHIE BEWARE, YOU’LL SOON REGRET THAT THREAT. PREPARE, TO BECOME MY HOUSEHOLD PET. (She slays CERBERUS) HERACLES STEPS UP. HE TAMES THAT PUP. THE CAVE RINGS WITH HIS LAUGHTER. WITH A MIGHTY BLOW HE SLAYS HIS FOE, AND LIVES HAP’LY EVER AFTER. HE LIVES HAP’LY EVER AFTER. IN THE BOOK OF HEROES. IN THE BOOK OF HEROES. IN THE BOOK OF HEROES. (The lights shift back to reality. ORPHIE finishes washing Argo, Homer’s pet dog) HOMER Ah, my little Orphie, what am I to do with you?

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5

What do you mean?

ORPHIE HOMER When your parents, rest their souls, left you in my charge, I promised to take care of you. You should be learning a practical trade, like philosophy. And what have I done? Filled your head with fancy and frivolity. ORPHIE No way. Everyone in Ancient Greece knows that the stories in Homer’s Book of Heroes are the greatest, most thrilling, most historically accurate tales in the world. They will be remembered forever. Not yet.

HOMER Not quite yet.

What do you mean?

ORPHIE HOMER I HAVE TOLD A THOUSAND STORIES, AND I’VE SEEN MY FAME INCREASE AS THE STORIES SPREAD THROUGH ALL OF ANCIENT GREECE. FROM ACHILLES AND HIS ARMOR, TO JASON AND HIS FLEECE. BUT THERE’S SOMETHING MISSING. FOR THE STORIES I’VE BEEN TELLING, LIKE THEIR TELLER, HAVE GROWN OLD. THERE’S A TALE TO TELL THAT I HAVE LEFT UNTOLD. YES, I’VE TOLD A THOUSAND STORIES, AND I’VE TOLD THEM RATHER WELL. BUT THERE’S ONE MORE STORY LEFT TO TELL. ORPHIE Well then, go on and try. You tell it, and I’ll write it down. I...

I can’t.

Please? Orphie, I-For me?

HOMER ORPHIE HOMER ORPHIE

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6 HOMER Sing... muse.... of the great hero Crayon. do something. And then he did it.

Who once had to

ORPHIE Oh. HOMER It’s terrible! WHAT’S THE USE IN IF THE GIFT I HAD I HAVE WRACKED MY BUT I CAN’T FIND ONE MORE TO LEAVE

PRESSING ON, IS GONE? MIND, BEHIND.

ORPHIE DID ODYSSEUS SIT CRYING WHEN THE CYCLOPS ATE HIS MEN? OR DID HE SAIL FOR ITHACA AGAIN? IF ODYSSEUS COULD DO IT, WELL, HOMER TAKE YOUR PEN. LIKE THE HEROES IN YOUR STORIES, YOU’LL PERSEVERE AND THEN, YOU WILL FIND ANOTHER STORY AND MANY MORE AS WELL. YES, YOU’LL FIND THE STORY YOU HAVE TO TELL. HOMER It’s the final story, Orphie. It must be perfect. The tale of a hero the likes of which Ancient Greece has never seen. ORPHIE So... HOMER I have no more papyrus. I crumpled it all up and threw it in the trash. Though I may have missed. ORPHIE I’ll go to the Acropolis Mega Mart, and get us some more. HOMER You’re a sweet child, Orphie.

A sweet child.

ORPHIE Even a blind man can find what he’s looking for, if he looks in the right place. HOMER Well then, best hop to it, young Heracles. (He exits) 1/27/15

7 ORPHIE And so, Heracles embarked on the treacherous journey. crossed rivers. (She hops over a puddle) He climbed mountains. (She climbs over Homer’s lawn furniture) Until he found himself face-to-face with... (Enter EURIPIDES, AESCHYLUS, and SOPHOCLES, three Greek schoolboys) The three Gorgons.

He

EURIPIDES O-M-Zeus. AESCHYLUS It’s, like, Greece’s greatest hero. Lambda-Omicron-Lambda.

SOPHOCLES (They laugh) ORPHIE The vile harpies would rue the day they mocked the mighty Heracles. Heracles?

AESCHYLUS SOPHOCLES Oh my gods, she, like, totes thinks she’s Heracles. AESCHYLUS That is, like, hilaricles. Be quiet.

ORPHIE EURIPIDES Orphie, Heracles is like, the greatest hero in The Book of Heroes. So? So?

ORPHIE SOPHOCLES HEROES ARE LIKE BIG AND TOUGH.

EURIPIDES

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8

THEY DO UHM... LIKE... HEROIC STUFF. FIGHTING MONSTERS.

SOPHOCLES AESCHYLUS EURIPIDES SOPHOCLES WINNING WARS. NOT DOING SOME OLD BLIND GUY’S CHORES. EURIPIDES HEROES, LIKE, DEFY THE ODDS. AESCHYLUS HEROES HAVE BODACIOUS BODS. SOPHOCLES AND THEY’RE, LIKE, DESCENDED FROM THE GODS. ALL THREE AND YOU’RE A SCRAWNY LITTLE ORPHAN GIRL. SCRAWNY LITTLE ORPHAN GIRL. ORPHIE Yeah, well someday I’ll be all grown up. see.

And then you’ll

AESCHYLUS Uh, Orphie, I know it’s like whatever or whatever, but heroes are also... What? Uhm... What? HEROES ARE LIKE MORE STUFF TOO. THEY ARE LIKE,

ORPHIE EURIPIDES ORPHIE SOPHOCLES AESCHYLUS SOPHOCLES EURIPIDES 1/27/15

9 THEY’RE NOT LIKE YOU. AESCHYLUS SUPER MACHO ALPHA MALES. NOT SCARED OF BUGS. OR BREAKING NAILS.

ALL THREE

MANLY PECS. AND MANLY THIGHS. MANLY MEN OF MANLY SIZE. SOPHOCLES MAINLY CAUSE THEY’RE GUYS. AND YOU’RE A SCRAWNY LITTLE SCRAWNY LITTLE SCRAWNY LITTLE SCRAWNY LITTLE SCRAWNY LITTLE

ALL THREE ORPHAN GIRL. ORPHAN GIRL. ORPHAN, ORPHAN, ORPHAN GIRL.

ORPHIE THAT’S A BUNCH OF FOOLISH NOISE. GIRLS CAN BE HEROES JUST LIKE BOYS. YOU’LL OWE ME AN APOLOGY WHEN I SHOW YOU OUR MYTHOLOGY IS FULL OF GREAT GIRL HEROES JUST LIKE ME. Oh yeah? Name one. Easy.

EURIPIDES AESCHYLUS ORPHIE There’s... uh... well...

Uh huh. See? That’s what we thought.

SOPHOCLES AESCHYLUS EURIPIDES AESCHYLUS SO GO PLAY YOUR STUPID GAME.

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10 EURIPIDES DON’T YOU KNOW IT’S MEGA LAME? SOPHOCLES YOU’LL NEVER LIVE UP TO YOUR MADE UP NAME. YOU’RE JUST A SCRAWNY LITTLE SCRAWNY LITTLE SCRAWNY LITTLE SCRAWNY LITTLE SCRAWNY LITTLE

ALL THREE ORPHAN GIRL. ORPHAN GIRL. ORPHAN, ORPHAN, ORPHAN GIRL. AESCHYLUS See you, hero. (They exit) ORPHIE You’re gonna eat those words. (beat) Homer! There has to be at least one story in The Book of Heroes about a girl hero. Ha! That’ll show those jerks. Scene 2: Orphie’s Bedroom. There are posters of heroes on the wall. The HERACLES poster has the position of honor. HOMER tidies up, even though the room is practically spotless. HOMER That child. No matter how many times I remind her to clean her room, it remains a pigsty. (HADES appears. wooden staff) Homer, I presume. Who’s there?

He carries an ornate

HADES HOMER HADES Surely the greatest storyteller in all of Ancient Greece recognizes the Lord of the Underworld, the King of Cadavers, the God of the Dead. Hades! In the flesh.

HOMER HADES So to speak.

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11 HOMER It’s not my time. Everywhere I go. just a rash.” No.

HADES “It’s not my time”, “It’s too soon”, “It’s

I need more time.

HOMER HADES Come now, why would you possibly need more time? (Enter ORPHIE) ORPHIE Do you know any stories about a Great Girl Hero-(she sees HADES) What the... What are you doing here? Homer?

HOMER Orphie, my child, I’m afraid we may not get to complete that final story after all. ORPHIE No. HOMER (to HADES) For the girl’s sake, a few days more.

That’s all I ask.

HADES That’s not the way this works. HOMER Surely you understand the bond between parent and child. My father ate me.

HADES (He takes HOMER by the arm. draws her sword)

ORPHIE

ORPHIE You took my mom and dad before I could even remember. not let you take the only parent I’ve ever known. HADES There are worse things than not having parents.

I will

Ask Oedipus.

ORPHIE At last, Heracles stood face to face with his greatest foe.

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12 HADES This is not one of your games, child. ORPHIE By the Creed of Apollo, he would not fail! Orphie, no!

HOMER (She attacks. HADES holds out his staff. ORPHIE is frozen in her tracks. She struggles, but cannot break HADES’s telepathic grip. Slowly, he lifts here into the air, where she hangs, suspended) HADES For a girl who knows so much about stories, I would have expected you to be more familiar with the ancient prophecies of the Oracle. Specifically, of course, I refer to the famed prophecy that states, “When facing the Lord of the Underworld, remember this rhyme: No one can defeat Hades!” (beat) Except... What?

HOMER HADES HOMER The end of the rhyme. “When facing the Lord of the Underworld, remember this rhyme: No one can defeat Hades, except for...” HADES “Except for a hero for everyone and all time.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don’t think we’ve got a lot to worry about in this instance, do you? Shall we, old man? Oh, and... bring your little book. Until we meet again, Orphie Extraordinary. ORPHIE Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (He flings ORPHIE onto her bed as he and HOMER disappear) Homer! Homer? You can’t... you can’t leave me too. (She looks at the posters on her wall) THE PATH IS CLEAR IN EVERY STORY. THE HERO KNOWS JUST WHAT TO DO. THE GODS REVEAL THE PATH TO GLORY AND HE FOLLOWS THROUGH. BUT LIFE IS NOT AN ANCIENT FABLE. 1/27/15

13 AND HOMER CAN’T HELP ME NOW. I’D SAVE THE DAY IF I WERE ABLE BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW. WHAT WOULD A HERO DO? WHAT WOULD A HERO DO? (HERACLES speaks from the poster on the wall) HERACLES Orphie. Heracles! It is me.

ORPHIE HERACLES ORPHIE I’m imagining this, aren’t I? Of course you are. I see.

HERACLES ORPHIE But, can you tell me what to do?

HERACLES You know my story better than anyone.

Why don’t you tell me?

ORPHIE IF HERACLES WERE HERE TO GUIDE ME, HE’D FORM A PLAN OF ATTACK. HE’D MARCH TO HADES RIGHT BESIDE ME AND BRING HOMER BACK. BUT THERE IS NO ONE HERE BUT ME NOW. AND THERE’S A FIGHT TO BE WON. IT MAY BE SCARY BUT I SEE NOW JUST WHAT MUST BE DONE. ORPHIE IT’S ALL UP TO YOU. DO WHAT A HERO WOULD DO. Well?

HERACLES ORPHIE WELL, WHAT IF THEY’RE ALL RIGHT, AND I’M JUST TOO SMALL? NO, I’M NOT A HERO, NOT AT ALL.

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14 THERE’S ON SOME NO, I’M BUT YOU

NO USE WISHING DISTANT STAR. NOT A HERO. ARE. HERACLES

Me? ORPHIE SO I WILL GET THE ONLY HERO. WHO’LL BE UP TO THE TASK. YOU COULD BEAT HADES, YES IT’S CLEAR. SO I JUST HAVE TO ASK. I’m a poster, Orphie. No. Ah.

Heracles.

HERACLES ORPHIE The real Heracles! HERACLES ORPHIE I SEE MY DESTINY BEFORE ME. TO MOUNT OLYMPUS STRAIGHT AWAY. AND HERACLES WILL NOT IGNORE ME, HE WILL SAVE THE DAY. I KNOW THAT THE STORIES ARE TRUE. YES, HERACLES WILL COME THROUGH. THAT’S WHAT A HERO WOULD DO. THAT’S WHAT A HERO WOULD DO. (She builds a boat from a bathtub, complete with a bedsheet sail, and a Heracles Flag. She sails off, as the set changes to...) Scene 3: The Sea. ORPHIE sails in her bathtub boat. healthy wind blows.

A

ORPHIE The great hero Heracles knew there was only one hero who was strong, brave, and true enough to defeat Hades and save Homer. And so, the great hero Heracles set out on a quest to find... the great hero Heracles. By his calculations, he should arrive at Mt. Olympus by dusk. As long as the generous wind kept up. (HERMES appears)

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15 HERMES Hello. Ah!

You scared me.

ORPHIE I mean, the opposite of that.

Uh-huh. You’re Hermes. At your service. Messenger of the Gods.

HERMES ORPHIE HERMES ORPHIE HERMES I’m Hermes, alright? God of Travellers, and Footwear, and Root Vegetables. I’m not just the messenger of the gods. It’s not like I’m their receptionist. I mean, true, I may spend a decent chunk of my time delivering messages, taking “do you like me check one yes no maybe” notes from Zeus to various young women, but I’m not like their errand boy. Okay. I’m a god. I believe you. Good. So... So...

ORPHIE HERMES ORPHIE HERMES ORPHIE HERMES ORPHIE Do you have a... uhm, message? HERMES Oh, right. So... Zeus told me to deliver, I mean, he didn’t tell me to deliver, I chose to deliver the following message. (He looks for the message) Uh-oh. I seem to have. I mean, I know I have it here somewhere-- I’m sure I didn’t leave it on Mt. Olympus or anything-1/27/15

16 (A dead dove with a note attached to it falls from the sky) Ah. Zeus likes to send messages via dead dove. It’s his new thing. Anywho... (He puts on a singing telegram hat, clears his throat, and reads the message) HEY LITTLE GIRL THERE IN YOUR CUTE LITTLE BOAT. ALL OF THE GODS WANT YOU TO STAY AFLOAT. THIS IS NO PLACE FOR LITTLE GREEK KIDS TO THRIVE. YOU COULD CAPSIZE, SINK, OR GET EATEN ALIVE. NO, THE SEA’S NOT SAFE FOR A CUTE LITTLE WAIF, YOU’LL BE SAFE AND SOUND ONCE YOU’RE HOMEWARD BOUND. YOU COULD WELL BE DROWNED IF YOU DON’T TURN AROUND SO ORPHIE... ORPHIE GO HOME. (ORPHIE sails on, determined) And... she’s completely ignoring me. Okay. Not exactly sure what to do in this situation... (A dead dove with a note falls from the sky) Aha. (reads) HEY LITTLE GIRL THERE’S SOMETHING YOU OUGHTA KNOW: I AM THE GOD WHO TELLS THE WIND TO BLOW. I’LL SHUT IT OFF AND YOU’LL HAVE NOWHERE TO GO SO ORPHIE GO HOME. Seriously, Orphie, go home. (The wind stops) Well, what do you know? The wind stopped. Too bad. Now there’s no way you could possibly continue on your-(Orphie pulls out her sword and starts paddling) Huh. You might’ve thought an almighty deity would’ve seen that loophole. (Another dead dove falls. He reads) HEY LITTLE GIRL, YOU MUST BE GOING INSANE. I HOPE YOU LIKE LIGHTNING AND TORRENTIAL RAIN. I’M SENDING YOU A LEVEL FIVE HURRICANE. SO ORPHIE-(thunder) Uh oh. (A huge storm brews) Would you look at that? A huge storm brewing right smack dab directly in your path. Oh well, you gave it a good go, right? Guess you’ll just be turning around now, huh?

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17

(She continues paddling) HERMES Kid, don’t be stupid. That’s an enormous storm, and you’re just a tiny little human-I’ve got to save Homer.

ORPHIE HERMES What’s so great about Homer? All those similes... Kid!

Kid!

(HERMES is blown away by the wind. The storm swells. ORPHIE’S boat is tipped by a wave. ORPHIE hears beautiful music. She swims toward the sound. She emerges into a strange field full of flowers. The beautiful music continues) ORPHIE That song... so soft... so beautiful... so... (She lies down and falls asleep) Scene 4: The Underworld. PERSEPHONE appears. giving HOMER the grand tour.

HADES enters,

HADES On your left you’ll see, well... nothing at all. But, I will see the Sea of Sadness, glistening in the lack of sun. Doesn’t it just set your heart aflutter? Not exactly.

HOMER HADES Oh my. Oh my. Here comes one of my favorite shades. are in for a treat. (Enter TANTALUS. A kumquat dangles from a stick and a string, which are attached to his head like a donkey with a carrot) Why, hello there, Tantalus. Shhh!

You

TANTALUS Do you see that kumquat?

What kumquat?

HADES

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18

What kumquat?

TANTALUS That kumquat!

HADES I bet you haven’t had a nice kumquat in quite some time, have you? TANTALUS I haven’t had anything to eat or drink in three hundred years. HADES You would probably enjoy a nice kumquat like that one, wouldn’t you? So juicy. TANTALUS So juicy. HADES So succulent. TANTALUS So succulent. HADES So tragically just outside of your reach. (Tantalus reaches too far and falls flat on his face. HADES laughs) TANTALUS Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! here, you kumquat!

Come back

(He chases the kumquat off stage. HADES laughs uproariously) HADES Somehow, that never gets old. HOMER You know, you’re not exactly what I’d expected. HADES In what way? You’re a bit...

happy.

HOMER HADES You see, Homer? You see how woefully I’ve been misrepresented in your slanderous stories? PEOPLE THINK THAT I’M DEPRESSED, 1/27/15

19 BUT I’M QUITE A CHEERFUL GUY. LIFE DOWN HERE’S A JOYOUS JEST. AND THERE’S JUST ONE REASON WHY... I LOVE MISERY. OTHER PEOPLE’S MISERY. OH WHAT BLISS IT IS TO SEE WALLOWING AND WOE. I LOVE GLOOM AND GRIEF. THE SWEET PERFUME OF HUMAN GRIEF. GLOOM AND DOOM ARE SWEET RELIEF TO HE WHO RULES BELOW. THESE LETHARGIC LADS AND LADIES MOPE AND POUT THEIR WAY THROUGH HADES, AH, BUT MEANWHILE, I AM FLOATING ON CLOUD NINE. BECAUSE OF SUFFERING. ANYBODY’S SUFFERING. THRILLS ME NEAR ENOUGH TO SING IF IT ISN’T MINE. HOW SWEET IT IS TO ME! MISERY’S DIVINE. (enter SISYPHUS) Ah, Sisyphus. How are you? SISYPHUS Feeling pretty good, Mr. Hades. You don’t say?

HADES SISYPHUS Yup. You know that giant boulder I’ve been pushing up the great big hill every day for the last five hundred years only to have it come tumbling back down? I am familiar, yes.

HADES SISYPHUS Well, today is the day. I got it up there, and this time, it’s there to stay. (a giant boulder rolls across the stage) Crap. HADES SUCH DESPONDENT DESOLATION, IS TO ME A CELEBRATION. HOW I LOVE THIS CATATONIC CHORUS LINE. BECAUSE THEY’RE SO MOROSE. 1/27/15

20 MORE THAN MERELY LACHRYMOSE. NOTHING ELSE COULD E’ER COME CLOSE. DOLEFUL BY DESIGN. OH, OH! HOW SWEET IT IS TO ME. MISERY’S DIVINE. (Enter PERSEPHONE) HADES Ah, and here is the Queen of the Underworld, the cloud of my silver lining, my lovely wife Persephone. (She sighs and exits) HOMER Not a very lively sort, is she? HADES Let me lay a little story on you, Homer. It’s the story of a devilishly handsome Lord of the Underworld, and his once radiant bride. HOMER Is this the one where he kidnaps her from her beloved home? HADES Kidnaps, charms with his urbane wit, who’s to say? The point is, he makes her Empress of his entire realm. And how is he repaid? She sighs, and laments, and writes the most dreadfully depressing poetry. That’s where you come in. Me?

HOMER HADES I have brought you here so that you can cheer her up with a story. MISERY. PERSEPHONE’S IN MISERY. AND HERE’S THE GREATEST IRONY: IT TEARS MY HEART IN TWO. AGONY. NOW, I’M THE ONE IN AGONY. I’M NOT ENJOYING AGONY. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. OH, PLEASE HOMER MAKE HER HAPPY. SO THAT I DON’T FEEL SO CRAPPY. AND I CAN BASK IN MISERY ONCE MORE. I LOVE MISERY. MELANCHOLIC MISERY. 1/27/15

21 SCREAMS OF UTTER AGONY. GRIEF WILL FEEL SO FINE. YOU CAN CALL IT SCHADENFREUDE. BUT I’M SIMPLY OVERJOYED, AH! I LOVE MISERY. GOOD OLD-FASHIONED MISERY’S DIVINE. HOMER Very well. I will cheer Persephone with one of my stories. In exchange for which, you will grant me the freedom to return to Earth. Earth?

HADES Why the here do you want to return to Earth?

HOMER My work is not complete. I have a story to write, and a child I promised to see safely to adulthood. HADES Alright, Homer, you’re on. (Enter PERSEPHONE.

She sighs)

HOMER Madame, if you will forgive my saying, I sense a certain melancholy about your demeanor. You mistake me, sir. absence of feeling.

PERSEPHONE It is not melancholy.

It is the

HOMER I’m not certain I understand. PERSEPHONE I have always loved the flowers of my homeland, Mr. Homer. My husband calls it folly, but beauty moves me beyond words. Here, in this place, there is no beauty. The flowers refuse to grow. And, since I have come here, I have felt... nothing. HOMER Perhaps I can offer a remedy. And what is that?

PERSEPHONE (He opens The Book of Heroes) HOMER We begin on the distant battlefields of Troy, amid the flames of the Trojan War. Sing, Muse, of the rage of Achilles... 1/27/15