on your own

women and divorce June, 2011

www.ywcatulsa.org

on your own This Series Contains

On Your Own. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

Legal Concerns. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 Tulsa County Family Court. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8 Where to start?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 Oklahoma law . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 Attorneys . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 Pleadings and orders . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 Grounds for divorce. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Children and custody. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 How time-sharing works. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 What you should know about child support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 Property distribution. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 Support alimony. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 Selecting an attorney. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 Paying for an attorney . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Legal billing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 Surviving the process . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

Financial Considerations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 Getting started . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 Where do I stand? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 What if I don’t have access to financial records and accounts? . . . . . 21 Develop a budget. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22

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Negotiating your future. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Retirement accounts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Future value of earnings. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Protecting future payments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 Tax ramifications . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 Protect yourself (and your credit) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 Paying for an attorney . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27 You can do this! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27 Budget worksheet. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28 Important documents. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30

Children & Divorce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 What am I going to tell the kids? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34 The conversation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 Keep communication lines open . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 The effects of divorce on children. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37 How to help your children. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38 Signs that your child may need professional help . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40 Family counseling. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40 Adult children of divorce. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41 Where to get help in Tulsa. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42

Controlling and Manipulative Behavior. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 Signs of an abusive relationship. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44 Emotional abuse . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45 Sexual abuse . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45 Economic or financial abuse . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46 Take back control. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46 Escalation of abuse during divorce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47

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If you recognize any of these signs of an abusive relationship . . . . . . 48 More information . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49 Danger assessment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50 My safety plan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51 What you should know about protective orders. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52 Protective order FAQ’s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54 Where to go for help . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55

Self Care. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57 Self care. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58 Feeling like you’re under attack . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58 Breathe, just breathe . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 Add a meditative twist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61 Other ways to relieve stress . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61 Stress triggers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62 Types of mental health professionals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63 How do I find a counselor? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63 Evaluating therapy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 64 Oklahoma State Licensing Boards. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 66 In conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67

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introduction Dear Reader: The YWCA Tulsa is pleased to introduce you to “On Your Own, Women and Divorce.” Too often women enter the divorce process blind, without proper planning. For the woman who has already decided to seek a divorce, this toolkit will help ensure that your economic and emotional well-being remains intact when you reach the other side of divorce. Our goal is to give you a better understanding of your options once you’ve made the decision to seek a divorce. This information will help you know what to expect along the way and what you need to do to produce the best financial and emotional outcomes for you and your family. Oklahoma law offers options, and every situation is unique. There is information contained here to help you understand your marital assets, select an attorney, communicate more effectively with your children, stay safe if your partner is controlling or abusive and take care of your emotional health in the process. Part of the mission of the YWCA is to empower women. Thus the focus of this toolkit is to speak directly to women. Divorce is a fact of life that can be financially devastating often leaving women and children in poverty. Unfortunately, here in Oklahoma, women still earn only 75 cents for every dollar that men earn. Divorced women nationally are four times more likely than married women to have an income that is under the poverty line. And although in America 10% of families are headed by women, 40% of poor families are headed by female heads of households. In Oklahoma one out of every seven women lives below the poverty line. There are so many competing emotions when couples are going through the divorce process from guilt to relief to anger and fear. We hope this toolkit provides you with some perspective. You are not alone and there are many resources available to help you.

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Remember, every situation is unique. Some divorces are completed in a few weeks, others take many, many years, but the majority are somewhere in the middle, taking an average of 12 months. Seldom does anyone “win” in a divorce. But the more you know, the more likely it is that your decisions will be less emotional and you’ll have more control of your divorce process. Please contact the YWCA Tulsa by calling (918) 588-9393 or visiting our website at www.ywcatulsa.org for additional information. Sincerely,

Felicia Collins Correia Chief Executive Officer YWCA Tulsa This publication has been produced by the YWCA Tulsa. It is intended to provide resources and information to women in the process of a divorce. It should not be considered as a substitute for professional legal advice.

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legal concerns

on your own

An Introduction to Divorce Law and Procedures

www.ywcatulsa.org

Legal Concerns

This section is intended only as an introduction to divorce law and procedures, not as a substitute for professional legal advice. Family law is complex, outcomes are unpredictable, and navigating through the legal system can be intimidating. Just remember: knowledge is power. We encourage you to become knowledgeable, confident, and strong when approaching the legal aspects of divorce. This section will help you get started.

tulsa county family court The Tulsa County Family Court handles cases involving divorce and attendant issues involving minor children. Their comprehensive website, www.tulsacountyfamilycourt.org, has instruction packets, filing forms and links to services. The Family Court has a primary interest in promoting the well-being of children impacted by divorce, in stabilizing families and fostering co-parenting relationships. Divorces involving minor children have a special process that includes a Parenting Plan Conference and completion of a seminar, “Helping Children Cope with Divorce.”

When approaching the legal dissolution of a marriage, there are four ways to proceed: 1. The “Kitchen Table” Divorce 2. Mediation 3. Collaborative Proceedings 4. Litigation

Another effort of the Family Court is to minimize conflict and to encourage alternate dispute resolution. To that end, most cases will be referred to mediation before they can be set for trial.

early settlement mediation The City of Tulsa sponsors an Early Settlement Mediation Program. In civil cases as well as divorces (including those involving minor children), the parties are able to obtain mediation services by a Supreme Court-trained neutral mediator

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who will work to resolve issues outside of court. If the parties have filed Legal Concerns

for divorce, there is no charge. If not, the charge is $5 per person. For more information, call 918-596-7786 or visit www.oscn.net using the link, alternate dispute resolution/early settlement mediation.

where to start? When approaching the legal dissolution of a marriage, there are four ways to proceed: The “Kitchen Table” Divorce, Mediation, Collaborative Proceedings, and Litigation. Depending upon the complexity of the issues, the available resources, and the levels of trust and cooperation between you and your spouse, there are several ways to proceed.

The “Kitchen Table” Divorce If you and your spouse are on good terms, you may be able to sit down and agree on some or all of the issues. These negotiations can occur before or after the filing of a petition for divorce. After reaching an agreement, you and your spouse should each consult your own attorney to review the arrangements, and draft appropriate documents. One attorney cannot represent both parties, even in an “agreed divorce.” It is important to remember that even in the most amiable of divorces, it is unwise to sign anything unless it has first been reviewed by an attorney.

Mediation In mediation, a neutral third party—preferably a mediator trained in family law—helps you and your spouse communicate, explore options, and settle disputes. The mediator does not advise or represent either side, but acts as a facilitator to help you reach a settlement. You should have your own lawyer review any agreements before they become legally binding. Courts encourage mediation as a less costly alternative to litigation. Tulsa County Courts expect you to go to mediation before proceeding to trial.

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Collaborative Proceedings In collaborative divorce, a four-way contract is signed by you, your spouse and your respective attorneys, in which all agree not to go to trial. All promise to negotiate in good faith to reach a settlement that is consistent with the goals, needs and best interests of both parties. Thus, there is incentive to reach agreement without threat of litigation. The advantage of the collaborative procedure is that you and your spouse take ownership of the process and the outcomes instead of delegating important decisions to attorneys and judges. In addition, your attorney remains present during negotiations to act as your advocate, provide legal advice, and ensure fairness.

Litigation This is the formal, traditional, most costly and time-consuming method. The Court is involved in various stages of discovery, motions, hearings, status-conferences, pre-trials, and trials. Because litigation is adversarial, it can be taxing, emotional, expensive and toxic. It can be especially harmful to children. However, there may be situations in which litigation is the only recourse.

The divorce follows a five step process: 1. The Petition 2. The Summons and Answer 3. The Automatic Temporary Injunction 4. Temporary Orders 5. The Decree

oklahoma law

State courts, called District Courts, have jurisdiction in divorce. Oklahoma law is constantly evolving: it changes each time the legislature acts or whenever the courts render a decision. For this reason, attorneys are reluctant to give “curbside opinions” before knowing all the facts and conducting the necessary legal research. Your own attorney will be best qualified to answer specific questions about the issues of your case.

attorneys The attorney-client relationship is very important. You should be candid and clear about your concerns and expectations. Trust and communication are critical; neither you nor your attorney need any surprises during negotiations or in court.

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When hiring an attorney, there should be an agreement in writing about the scope of service, charges, and payments.

pleadings and orders

The Petition

A divorce is initiated by the filing of a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage with the Court Clerk. The petition must include facts which give the District Court jurisdiction over both the parties and the subject matter. It must state the grounds for The attorney-client divorce and the relief requested.

relationship is very

important… It is unwise The Summons and Answer

to sign anything

The petitioner “appears” (i.e. places himself/herself under the jurisdiction of the Court) by filing the petition. The respondent must be formally served with Summons unless he voluntarily “appears” by waiving service of summons. The respondent must file an Answer to the Petition and may file a Cross-Petition.

unless it has first been reviewed by an attorney. More about finding an attorney follows later in this section.

The Automatic Temporary Injunction Upon the filing of a petition and after service of summons, both parties are automatically prohibited from transferring, encumbering, or disposing of property. The only exceptions are for ordinary living and business expenses or to retain an attorney. A transfer may occur if the Court approves it, or the other party consents in writing.

Temporary Orders You may request a Temporary Order that provides for custody, support, division of property, and payment of debts until the divorce is finalized. A Temporary Hearing is usually held within a few weeks, and the resulting Temporary Order will remain in place until the final decree is entered. (A Temporary Order may be amended.) If you wish to have custody of the kids or you depend on your spouse for financial support, you should apply for temporary orders for support and custody.

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All communications between attorney and client are confidential unless there is a third party present during the communication.

Legal Concerns

The Decree In an agreed divorce, each party must approve and sign the decree and one party must testify briefly before the Court. In a contested matter, the Court will take testimony and consider the evidence presented at trial, then announce its decisions and instruct one attorney to draft the decree. Thereafter, both parties must review and sign the decree and present it to the Court. When the Judge signs the decree, it must be filed with the Court Clerk and each party should retain a certified copy.

Physical custody refers to where and

grounds for divorce

Oklahoma is a “no-fault” divorce state. Grounds for divorce are various but incompatibility is alleged in the lives. Legal custody large majority of cases. The domestic court is tasked with refers to a parent’s right determining the best interest of the children and dividing to make decisions about marital property and debts. Unlike a criminal court, punishment is not its goal. the child’s education,

with whom the child

medical care, religion, etc.

children and custody Custody of children can be awarded to one parent or to both parents jointly. Physical custody refers to the child’s living arrangements. Legal custody refers to a parent’s right to make decisions about the child’s education, medical care, religion, etc. The rule for awarding custody is to do whatever is in the “best interest of the child.” The Court has a strong interest in ensuring that the children have safe and healthy relationships with both parents.

Different types of physical and legal custody: • Sole Legal Custody—only one parent has the right to make legal decisions for the child about education, health care, religion, etc. • Joint Legal Custody—both parents have the right to make legal decisions for the child about education, health care, religion, etc. • Physical Custody refers to a time-sharing agreement. There are many ways to structure the time-sharing plan. On one end of the spectrum, the children may live primarily with one parent and have regular visits with the other parent. On the other end of the spectrum, the children may live with each parent for substantially equal periods of time throughout the year. 12

Legal Concerns

In sole legal custody, one parent is awarded control of decisions regarding the children’s welfare. This is usually accompanied by the right of reasonable time-sharing with the non-custodial parent. If there is a custody dispute, the Court will consider evidence and arguments to determine the child’s best interest. Joint legal custody requires cooperation in joint decision-making, but does not require equal time-sharing. Plans for the exercise of joint care and custody of the child must be filed with the court. The plan must include provisions detailing the physical living arrangements for the child, payment of child support, medical and dental care for the child, school placement and time-sharing. With joint custody awards, neither parent feels that they have “lost the children.” Both parents are more likely to take responsibility for and be involved with the children. Joint custody agreements are sometimes used to avoid a toxic and expensive custody battle, but joint custody should not be agreed upon unless there is a strong commitment by both parents to cooperate and to communicate respectfully.

how time-sharing works There is a strong preference in the law for both parents to have liberal access to the children. In awarding custody, the Court will consider “which parent is more likely to allow the children frequent and continuing contact with the noncustodial parent.” All custody orders must include time-sharing provisions. Time-sharing may, in certain cases, be restricted, monitored or supervised to ensure the safety of the children.

what you should know about child support The Oklahoma Child Support Guidelines provide a formula based on the parents’ incomes for child support, medical insurance coverage, and the payment of work or education-related day care (more information at www.okdhs.org). Although the courts may deviate from this amount, there is a presumption that the guidelines are correct. From time to time, each parent may formally request current income information from the other parent. Upon application, the Court will

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Legal Concerns

consider a motion to modify child support based upon a material change in circumstances. For example, if either parent’s income increases or decreases significantly, it may be appropriate to recalculate the amount of child support.

property distribution Oklahoma is not a “community property” state. When a divorce petition is filed, marital property (property earned or purchased by funds earned during the marriage) is subject to equitable distribution by the Court, regardless of the titled owner. Property which has been acquired by one party by gift or Either spouse may inheritance is “separate property” and is not subject to be entitled to support equitable distribution (unless it has been co-mingled with alimony; the standards marital property or jointly titled). Property awards are final—they cannot be modified at a later time. are need and ability to

pay.

support alimony The courts have a fair amount of discretion in the area of support alimony. Either spouse may be entitled to support alimony; the standards are need and ability to pay. The decree will state the total amount of alimony to be paid, which may be payable in installments. The Court will consider a request to modify the amount of support alimony being paid, so long as the total amount of support alimony has not been fully paid. That is, if you are still receiving alimony, and either you or your ex has experienced a significant change in circumstances, the court will consider the request. Be aware that the standards for modification of support alimony are high, and the amount can be either raised or lowered when the matter is brought before the Court.

selecting an attorney When going through a divorce, you may feel overwhelmed and not “up to” the task of interviewing attorneys. However, this is one of the most important decisions you will make, so don’t be deterred. It’s essential that your lawyer be a “good fit,” so try to interview at least a few attorneys to find one that’s right for you. 14

• Do you specialize in family law? What percentage of your practice is family law? • How long have you been practicing? • What percent of your cases go to trial? (A good negotiator will try to settle cases and avoid long, expensive court battles. However, if you expect that you will be forced to litigate in court, a good trial lawyer will be necessary.) • What is your hourly rate? Do you require a retainer? (A A good divorce lawyer should be: retainer is the initial fee that you pay when you hire a lawyer.) Is it refundable? • What hourly rate will be charged for staff, such as Knowledgeable about family secretaries law (this should be their and paralegals? specialty) • Will there be additional costs related to photocopies or travel related to my case? Able to educate you about how • How do you handle billing? (You should know what the process works, and what you’re your rights are paying for, how often you will be billed, and at what rates.) Willing to communicate clearly • Are you willing and able to go to court if this case with you in plain English, not can’t “legalese” be settled any other way? • How long will this process take? Respectful and willing to • What are my rights and obligations during answer your questions this process? • Should I consider mediation? Collaborative divorce? • How do you communicate with your clients? Phone, email, in person? • Who else in your office should I speak to if you are unavailable?

paying for an attorney Don’t be reluctant to pay for a good attorney. Often, women worry that they can’t afford good representation, or they shouldn’t dip into joint accounts to pay for one. As a result, many women get the “short end of the stick” during divorce proceedings. 15

Legal Concerns

Here are some “nuts and bolts” questions to ask during an initial interview:

Legal Concerns

Your legal fees can be paid out of your own pocket, or from a joint account. Any joint account you share with your spouse at the time of divorce is considered part of the “marital estate.” Some of this money is yours. Don’t be afraid to use it. Some corporations provide legal benefits for their employees. This often works like a medical benefit, where you sign up in advance, and a small amount of money is automatically deducted from each paycheck to pay for your legal services. You may be able to obtain legal assistance through various community resources. A listing of some of these community resources is available on the Tulsa County Courts, “Families in Transition” website, www.familiesintransition.com. Another option is to ask friends and family for help. Don’t let shame prevent you from asking for assistance. To make the best long-term decisions, it’s important that you don’t skimp in the short run. Paying for good legal representation is an investment in your future.

legal billing Lawyers will bill you at an hourly rate. Make sure you understand their rate, as well as what they charge for work performed by their legal assistants or staff. Depending on the complexity of your divorce, your lawyer may ask for a retainer fee before beginning work on your case. This is especially common if your divorce will be contested in court. The retainer is an up front payment to your lawyer. The law firm will keep track of their hours and deduct their fees from the retainer. You will receive monthly invoices that detail the hours spent on your case, the amount billed, and fees deducted from the retainer.

How to tell if a lawyer is a bad fit? Be on the lookout for the following “red flags:” 16

• You are not treated with respect. Your lawyer is condescending when speaking to you or when responding to your questions.

Legal Concerns

• Your lawyer doesn’t listen. He or she should be attentive, not distracted or dismissive when you are discussing topics relevant to your case. However, don’t expect your lawyer to be your psychiatrist—resolving your interpersonal issues is not a lawyer’s job. • You feel like a low priority. Your lawyer keeps you waiting, seems distracted by other things, or doesn’t respond to your phone calls or correspondence within a reasonable amount of time. Your lawyer should be your advocate and partner in the divorce process. You should not feel like they have “better things to do.” • There is a conflict of interest. You should never use a lawyer who puts his or her own best interest over yours (e.g., pursuing expensive litigation instead of negotiating in good faith for a fair settlement), or who has a significant connection to your spouse. • Your lawyer tries to obtain a contingency fee. In Oklahoma, divorce attorneys must charge by the hour. Don’t sign anything that says they get a percentage of the settlement, and don’t work with a lawyer who attempts to insert this into a contract. • You have a bad “gut feeling.” It sounds silly, but listen to your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, or goes against your better judgment, trust your instincts. This is your life and your future.

surviving the process As unfamiliar, confusing, and painful as the divorcing process may be, it is important that you focus on the task at hand. Select a knowledgeable attorney that is a good fit with your needs and personality. Do your homework, and try to navigate the process intellectually rather than emotionally. Remember, the termination of a marriage may mark an end of one phase of your life but it can be the beginning of an exciting new chapter as well.

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Legal Concerns

notes

18

financial considerations

on your own

Planning for the Future

www.ywcatulsa.org

Financial Considerations

getting started Knowing how important financial decisions are, it’s easy to become intimidated and overwhelmed—especially if you have never been the money manager in the family. Try to think of it like a home improvement project. Ask yourself, “How do I get from where I am now to where I need to be in the future?” Make a to-do list, and start working your way through it. If possible, seek advice from an attorney and a financial professional to help guide you through the process.

Try to separate the personal and emotional aspects of divorce from the “business” side of

The following pages will help you get started.

where do I stand?

The first step is to understand your current financial divorce. Remember, the situation. Make a list of everything you own (assets) and everything you owe (liabilities). While you don’t need decisions you make a complete inventory, try to write down everything that today will affect your life has value. You will use this list when you meet with an for years to come. attorney to discuss your divorce settlement. For now, don’t think in terms of “his and hers,” think in terms of your combined assets and liabilities as a married couple. It doesn’t matter if one person is the major bread winner; you share the “marital estate,” which includes all property that was acquired during the marriage.

What you own (assets): • • • • • • • • • • • 20

Home Cars, boats Jewelry Furniture Household items Checking account (balance in the account) Savings account (balance in the account) Retirement accounts (balance in the accounts) Investment accounts (balance in the accounts) Cash Value Life Insurance Policies Business (value of business)

What you owe (liabilities): • • • • • •

Mortgage Car, boat loans Credit card debt Other debt and loans Tax liens Student loans Financial Considerations

Gather Documentation Gather and organize all your financial information in one place. It’s a good idea to make copies of everything and put them in a binder or filing system. Your information should include: • Tax returns (last 3 years) • Bank statements (checking and savings) • Investment statements • 401K and pension/retirement statements • Credit card statements • Mortgage and other loan documents • Insurance policy information (health, life, auto, home, property) • Business (if applicable) and personal financial statements

what if I don’t have access to financial records and accounts? If your spouse always handled the finances, it may be tougher for you to figure out exactly where you stand. However, it’s critical that you arm yourself with knowledge about your financial situation. One easy way to gather some financial information is to run a credit report on both you and your husband. This will identify any joint bank accounts in your name and any shared debts you have. You might be surprised to discover accounts you didn’t even know you had. You may be able to access financial information by going through the mail, and looking through files at home or on the computer. If not, you can ask your attorney for help. There is a process called discovery that allows your attorney to gain legal access to your spouse’s financial information. This will help you understand exactly where you stand. 21

We’ve included an Important Documents checklist at the end of this section to help you organize your financial and legal documents. Use this checklist to help you find the information you need to make informed decisions as you move forward.

develop a budget Financial Considerations

A current and projected budget will help your attorney determine your divorce settlement, alimony, and/or child support. Estimate what your current expenses are and what they will be after the divorce. Do the same with any sources of income. Use this information to develop a budget. (The Budget Worksheet at the end of this section will help you get started.) Creating a budget will help identify how much you’re making, and how much you’re spending. It’s also a useful tool to help identify areas of possible savings. Having a good understanding of your budget will help your attorney obtain the best possible settlement for you.

Budgeting for the Kids If you have children, don’t forget to include things such as tuition, books, supplies and extra-curricular activities like sports or music in your budget. Other costs may include day care, summer camps, school uniforms, allowances, etc. As part of your divorce negotiations, you will need to make decisions about the kids’ medical expenses: whose health insurance policy will cover them, and how to split non-covered costs, such as orthodontics. Understanding these costs will help you during child support negotiations.

negotiating your future Once you’ve got a handle on your current financial situation, it’s time to start thinking about the future.

What Do I Want to Keep?

22

In the heat of the moment, many women make rash decisions and declare, “I don’t want anything; I just want to be free!” Others may decide it’s important to “keep my home,” regardless of whether or not they can afford the payments on that home.

Try to remember that this is a business decision, not a personal one. It’s okay to listen to your heart, but you’ve got to use your head. When planning for the future, always think long-term, and keep your best interests in mind.

Financial Considerations

List the items you’d like to have after the divorce (such as property, furniture, jewelry). The list should include both assets and the related liabilities (mortgage or loan). Be sure to bring this list with you when you meet with your attorney.

Equitable Distribution Oklahoma is an Equitable Distribution state, which means that marital property will be divided in an equitable fashion according to the court, unless agreed to otherwise by the divorcing spouses. What does “equitable” mean? Equitable means what the court deems is fair; it does not necessarily mean “equal” in the sense of a straight 50-50 split. Typically, property that you owned prior to marriage is considered a “non-marital asset,” which you would get to keep after the divorce. (There are exceptions, so it’s important to discuss this with your attorney. For example, if you added your spouse’s name to a title or deed, it would likely be considered a “marital asset” subject to equitable distribution.) Also remember that the kids should be allowed to keep their own belongings. This should never be a question.

retirement accounts One thing many people forget to consider during a divorce is the value of your spouse’s retirement savings. If your spouse has an employer-sponsored retirement plan such as a 401(k) or pension plan, you’re legally entitled to part of the balance. It is important that you protect your share. A Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) is a court order that instructs your spouse’s pension plan on how to pay you your negotiated share of the plan benefits. A QDRO gives you protection that a marital settlement agreement does not. Just because your divorce decree states

23

that you have a right to part of your spouse’s retirement funds, don’t assume that your interests are secure. Talk to your lawyer about getting a QDRO.

Financial Considerations

Make sure you understand the requirements and that you consider the tax ramifications when dealing with retirement funds. You don’t want to pay penalties because some small detail was overlooked. You may need to consult with a financial professional to avoid any surprises.

future value of earnings Another thing that many women forget to consider is the future value of their husband’s earnings. You need to think about your spouse’s current income, but also consider his increasing future income, particularly when it comes to alimony and child support. This needs to be a part of the divorce settlement discussion, especially if you supported your husband financially while he attended college or graduate school, or while he started a new business. In such cases, you may be entitled to a portion of his future earnings because you helped create his success. The amount and duration of this type of settlement can be negotiated. Don’t overlook this.

Some Questions to Consider: • • • • •

What do you expect your husband’s income to be in the future? Will his pay increase over time? Did you help him pay for education or professional training? What will your income requirements be in the future? How much will your personal income contribute to your overall needs? • How long will you need income support from your former spouse? While the kids are in school? Through retirement? • Are you the primary income producer, and will these questions be asked of you?

Calculating Future Value of Earnings

24

Because of inflation, the value of a dollar may be worth less in the future than it is today. So, many financial professionals add up the expected future income, and then discount it to take inflation into consideration.

To make these calculations, it’s best to seek assistance from a financial advisor, certified financial planner or accountant. Your attorney also may be able to provide help with this calculation.

protecting future payments Financial Considerations

If part of your divorce settlement includes future payments (ex. alimony and child support), be sure to protect your interests. Payouts that depend on future earnings can be secured by a life insurance policy purchased before the divorce is granted. You should be named the owner of the policy as well as the beneficiary. This will prevent your spouse from changing the beneficiary or dropping coverage without your knowledge. A large one-time premium payment can make sure the policy remains in existence for as long as necessary.

Social Security If you were married for more than 10 years, you may be entitled to draw on your ex-husband’s Social Security benefits (even if he remarries). You can receive Social Security benefits on your ex-spouse’s record, if: • You are unmarried, and age 62 or older • The benefit you are entitled to receive based on your own work is less than the benefit you would receive based on your ex-spouse’s work; and • Your ex-spouse is entitled to Social Security retirement or disability benefits. If you remarry, you generally cannot collect benefits on your former spouse’s record unless your later marriage ends (whether by death, divorce or annulment). If your ex-spouse has not applied for retirement benefits, but can qualify for them, you can receive benefits on his record if you have been divorced for at least two years.

tax ramifications Once a divorce is finalized, each party enters a new tax situation. Now, more than ever, it’s important to get good tax and investment advice based on your new financial situation. 25

If you receive alimony as part of a divorce settlement, you will have to report it as taxable income. (It will be a tax deduction for your ex.) Depending upon the amount of support payments you receive, you may need to pay estimated quarterly income taxes.

Financial Considerations

Issues related to child support bring another dimension to the issue of ongoing payments. Child support is typically neither a deduction nor income to either party. However, most attorneys will require a decision regarding which parent gets to claim the child as a dependent on his or her tax return.

Innocent Spouse Relief – IRS Publication 971 When you file a joint return, the IRS holds both spouses equally responsible for all taxes and penalties. However, if your ex made a mistake or knowingly committed tax fraud without your knowledge, you can be relieved of the debt by filing for innocent spouse relief. By requesting innocent spouse relief, you can be relieved of responsibility for paying tax, interest, and penalties if your former spouse improperly reported items or omitted items on a joint tax return. In order to qualify you must meet a set of requirements determined by the IRS. See IRS Publication 971, or talk to a tax advisor for more information.

protect yourself (and your credit) As soon as possible, you should cancel any joint bank accounts and open individual accounts. Cancel all credit cards and get new ones in your own name. Close all unused credit accounts, and notify your creditors of your change in marital status. When your divorce is final and assets have been legally divided, be sure to update the names that appear on house deeds, car titles, stocks and bonds, etc. Also remember to change the beneficiaries on your investments, retirement plans, life insurance policies, and savings accounts. Another important task is to update your will.

26

Finally, check your credit report to make sure your spouse hasn’t incurred debts in your name since your divorce or separation.

paying for an attorney Don’t be reluctant to pay for a good attorney. Often, women worry that they can’t afford good representation, or they shouldn’t dip into joint accounts to pay for one. As a result, many women get the “short end of the stick” during divorce proceedings.

Financial Considerations

Paying for good legal representation is an investment in your future. Learn more about attorney’s fees and payment options in the Legal Concerns section of this toolkit.

you can do this! As overwhelming as all this sounds, you can do it. Take it one step at a time, and remember your long-term goal: to create a secure future for you and your children.

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budget worksheet

Use this sheet to calculate either an annual or a monthly budget.

INCOME:

Financial Considerations

Salary and Wages (after taxes) Bonuses Other Income TOTAL INCOME: EXPENSES: Mortgage or Rent Credit Card Payments Loan Payments Groceries Utilities (gas, electric, water) Cable, Telephone, Internet Child Care Taxes (property taxes, etc) Insurance – Car Insurance – Health Insurance – Homeowners Insurance – Other Medical/Dental/Prescription Medical out of Pocket 28

Current

Projected after Divorce

EXPENSES (Cont.):

Current

Projected after Divorce

Home Maintenance/Repair Vehicle Maintenance/Repair School Supplies, Uniforms, etc Financial Considerations

Tuition Extra-curricular Activities (sports, music, etc) Clothing Dining Out, Restaurants Dry Cleaning Dues, Memberships, Subscriptions, etc Entertainment, Concerts, Movies Gifts Haircuts, Makeup, etc Vacations Miscellaneous TOTAL EXPENSES: INCOME MINUS EXPENSES:

29

important documents Personal Documents

Account No., Notes, etc …

Social Security Card Social Security Numbers (spouse & children) Financial Considerations

Birth Certificate (self and children) Original Copy of Will Marriage Certificate Advanced Directive / Health Care Proxy Military Records Other (adoption papers, citizenship papers, etc)

Financial Papers Checking Account(s) Credit Card Account(s) Savings Account(s) Mortgage/Lease Retirement Plans (IRAs, 401(k), Pension Plan) Certificates of Deposit Investment Accounts Equity Compensation (stock option, restricted stock agreements)

30

Income Tax Returns (last 3 years)

Account No., Notes, etc …

Financial Papers

Account No., Notes, etc …

Auto Loan(s) Student Loans

Insurance Policies

Account No., Notes, etc … Financial Considerations

Health/Medical Insurance Life Insurance Auto Insurance Homeowner’s Insurance Disability Long Term Care Income Annuities

Property Papers

Account No., Notes, etc …

Original Deeds to Real Property Vehicle Titles Bank Safe Deposit Box

Business (if applicable)

Account No., Notes, etc …

Partnership/LLC Documents Corporate Documents Inventory of Business Assets

31

Financial Considerations

notes

32

children & divorce

on your own

Talking with Children about Divorce

www.ywcatulsa.org

what am I going to tell the kids? If you’re nervous about sitting down with your children to talk about divorce, don’t worry—you’re in good company. In fact, this is one of the most common concerns women have when going through a divorce.

“Who’s going to take care of me and love me?” Above all else, kids need to know that they will be safe and loved. Reassure them that you’re not going away, and that you will always love them and take care of them. You simply Above all else, kids can’t say this often enough.

need to know that they

Children & Divorce

will be safe and loved. Reassure them that you’re not going away,

Children also worry that they are somehow to blame for the divorce. Be clear on this point: it’s not their fault, and they didn’t do anything wrong.

and that you will always Another thing to remember is that younger children may love them and take care not understand the term “divorce.” Use simple words and concepts when explaining your divorce to younger kids.

of them.

Finally, don’t expect children to absorb everything you say the first time around. This is a process, and it may take awhile.

First Things First

34

• Be clear and direct. Use terms and concepts they will understand. Explain that you are getting divorced and what it will mean in the future. The younger the child, the more simple the explanation needs to be. • Emphasize that you and your spouse are divorcing each other, not the kids. Let them know that both parents will continue to love and care for them. • Don’t ask your children to choose sides. Assure them that it’s okay for them to love both parents. • Emphasize to your children that they are in no way responsible for the divorce. It’s not their fault and they didn’t do anything wrong. Also, let them know that it’s not something that they can “fix.” • Do not place blame. Do not paint your spouse as the villain. • Be honest, but use discretion. Give children specific information that is age appropriate, accurate, and as objective as possible.

the conversation Explain—in an age appropriate way—what problems have led to the divorce. Find the right balance between giving your child too much information versus giving false or no information.

Talking to a 3-year-old…

“

Daddy and I need to talk to you about something that is going to happen in our family. First of all, we both love you very much and always will. Explain—in an age

Daddy is going to go live with your Uncle Ben. You will still see him and he will talk to you on the phone. He will always love you, but he won’t live in our house anymore.

appropriate way—what problems have led to the divorce. Find the right balance between giving your child too much information versus giving false or no information.

Things will change, but we both love you and always will. This is not your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong. Don’t be afraid to ask questions if you don’t understand. If you feel sad or worried, it’s okay to have those feelings. Mommy and Daddy love you very much.

”

Talking to a 10-year-old…

“

Dad and I need to talk to you. We have been struggling to get along and be happy together. We know that you’ve noticed this and are worried about us because we’ve been arguing a lot.

The disagreements and hurt feelings between your dad and me have gotten bigger than our love for each other. We haven’t been able to make things better, so we have decided to get a divorce.

35

Children & Divorce

Mommy and daddy have been having a hard time getting along. We have tried and tried but we just can’t seem to figure out how to be happy together. We have decided that we need to live in different places and not be married anymore.

Dad is going to get his own place. He’s going to live with Uncle Ben for now and you, your sister and I will stay here at our house. But you will get to stay with Dad part of the time, too. We both love you so much. That will never change. We’ll both always be your parents and you will get to spend time with each of us. We want to be very clear that the things we argue about are not your fault; they are grownup problems. You haven’t done anything to cause these problems or this divorce. It is our fault, and has nothing to do with anything you or your sister have or haven’t done. Don’t be afraid to tell us what you’re feeling, and don’t be afraid to ask questions. We know this is hard and it will take time to get used to.

Children & Divorce

”

If you have adult children, see the box at the end of this section.

keep communication lines open • Encourage your children to ask questions and to express their feelings. They may say things that are painful for you to hear, but let them know you are listening. To make sure that you understand, try to repeat what they’ve said in your own words. • For younger children, help them “name” their feelings. Are they angry? Are they sad? Are they lonely? Do they miss Dad? Having words to describe what they’re feeling will give them some control over their emotions. • Younger children especially worry about being left alone or not having enough to eat. Try to ease these concerns as much as possible. • As soon as possible, explain where they will live and go to school, as well as how often they will be with each parent. • Let them know that both parents will work to solve any problems that arise, so that everyone can get into a normal routine. • If there will be changes in your financial situation, explain what effect these changes may have on them. • It can be helpful to read books about divorce with your children.

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the effects of divorce on children Different kids react differently to divorce. Sometimes children are relieved by their parents’ decision to divorce. Sometimes, no matter how bad the family situation is, kids want their parents to stay together. For most families, divorce is a difficult time, and it’s quite common for kids to struggle, at least for a while. Don’t be surprised if each one of your children responds differently to the challenges of divorce. How they react will depend upon their age, personality, and level of emotional and intellectual development. In addition, various factors at home and at school will affect how they respond to the divorce.

dren to ask questions and to express their feelings. To make sure that you understand, try to repeat what they’ve said in your own words.

If you feel yourself loosing control or struggling to stay sane, you may want to consider counseling. Learn more about counseling in the Self Care section.

What to Expect Divorce can be traumatic for children, so don’t be surprised if their behavior changes as they struggle to accept your family’s “new normal.” It’s not an easy process for anyone, and it can be a period of great frustration and concern. (On the bright side, if your kids are “acting out,” at least you know they feel safe with you!) Depending on their age, kids have different reactions to divorce. Some common reactions are: • Worry that you will abandon them and they will be alone • A sense that the world has become unpredictable

37

Children & Divorce

Most of all, your children will look to you for clues. The way you live your life each day will influence how they process the divorce. Remember, your kids are paying attention. They will internalize your actions and reactions—whether you’re aware of it or not. So take a deep breath, and do your best to create a stable, positive environment for your children.

Encourage your chil-

• Feeling rejected, feeling lonely, longing for an absent parent • Tearfulness, moodiness, sleeplessness, restlessness and difficulty concentrating • Anger or rage expressed by inappropriate behavior, such as talking back and lashing out • Difficulty maintaining good grades; behavior problems at school • Becoming withdrawn or quiet • Regression; acting younger than they are • Feeling disloyal if they enjoy time with their other parent • Concerns about money and their parents’ health

Children & Divorce

how to help your children Although it’s frightening and frustrating to watch a child struggle with the effects of divorce, hang in there. The way you handle this difficult time will make a big difference in your child’s life. Many factors contribute to how well children adjust to divorce. Among the most important are your own emotional stability and the examples you set. As a mom, you can set the tone, and help your kids get through this difficult time. Different kids react

differently to divorce.

• Make sure your kids get to spend time with the other parent on a consistent schedule (as long as your child relieved; sometimes, is safe with the other parent). Time-sharing will be an important part of the divorce agreement. no matter how bad the • Minimize conflict with your former spouse in the presfamily situation is, kids ence of your children. This includes phone conversations want their parents to that may be overheard. stay together. • Keep as many things the same as possible: routines, familiar surroundings and people. • Respect your children’s needs and activities when planning time with them. (Remember, however, that children should not be allowed to have ultimate control over these arrangements.) • Communicate directly with your spouse. Do not have your children act as messengers or spies. Reassure the children that they can continue to love and care about both parents. Don’t make them “choose sides.”

Sometimes children are

38

a mom, you can set the tone, help. Children need a parent they can count on. and help your kids get through • Provide clear information about the fact that you and your spouse are divorcing, and avoid mixed messages this difficult time. about getting back together. • Let your child’s caregivers and teachers know what’s going on. Communicate with them regularly to see how your child is doing.

39

Children & Divorce

• Allow children to express their anger about the situation in a reasonable manner. • If it is necessary to talk to the children about a problem with the other parent, avoid speaking in a critical, condescending or hateful way. • Avoid custody battles if at all possible. Utilize mediation or a parent coordinator whenever possible. (Mediation and parent coordinators are not appropriate in cases involving domestic violence.) • Although it is normal to be scared about the changes divorce brings, it is important to assure your children Many factors contribute that you will handle the uncertainties of the future. to how well children Don’t burden them with your own worries. adjust to divorce. • Stay in the role of parent. Be a good role model. Don’t force a child into the grown-up role of decision-maker, Among the most important are confidant, or “pseudo parent.” • If you are having problems with anxiety or depression your own emotional stability or feel that you are not coping well, seek professional and the examples you set. As

signs that your child may need professional help Although it’s normal for kids to struggle with the changes brought on by divorce, be alert for signs that your child may need extra help to get through this difficult time.

Children & Divorce

• Serious behavior problems at home or at school (suspensions, pink slips, etc). • Persistent anger, depression or anxiety. • Continuing to struggle seriously after the first year. • Over-eating or not eating enough. • Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much. • Withdrawal from activities your child used to enjoy. • Isolation from friends. • Talking about hurting himself or others. • Nicotine, alcohol or drug use.

family counseling Professional help for your child will likely include family counseling. Because kids don’t live in a vacuum, it makes sense that their problems typically develop in response to the family situation as a whole. To help your child deal with issues related to divorce, counselors may ask the primary parent (and sometimes other siblings) to be involved. Many times both parents need to be included. The focus of this therapy should be on both parents helping the child adjust to the changes in the family. If you think that your child needs professional help, there are several organizations in Tulsa that offer counseling for children. If cost is an issue, many organizations offer services on a sliding scale.

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adult children of divorce If you are navigating the divorce process and you have adult children, they need some special consideration. Children who are adults when their parents divorce are impacted by the sea change in their family situation just as certainly as younger children. They are expected to be “adults” and to support their parents emotionally. They are often drawn into the drama in ways that younger children would never be. Becoming a child of divorce as an adult affects your world view and precipitates a reevaluation of your childhood experiences.

DO DON’T

Children & Divorce

A few do’s and don’ts are in order: • Do assure them that you still love them and will be there for them. • Do recognize that they also need time and space to heal. • Do allow them to recollect favorite childhood experiences without adding negative commentary. • Don’t use your child as a sounding board for your anger or insecurity. They are still processing this new reality themselves. • Don’t “keep score” on how much time they spend with your ex-spouse. • Don’t fall into the “Woe is Me” syndrome. It frightens them to think that you might not make it on your own and they’d have to take care of you. • Don’t ask your child for dating advice. The thought of your dating is just as overwhelming to them as it is to you. • Don’t expect your child to make fast friends with your dating partner’s children. • Don’t avoid special occasions that are important to them to avoid seeing your ex-spouse. Be creative. Try to find a way to make it work.

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where to get help in tulsa ACT (Associated Centers for Therapy) 7010 S. Yale, Ste. 215 918-492-2554 www.actcares.org

Children & Divorce

Adoption Center of NE Oklahoma 6202 S. Lewis, Ste. Q 918-748-9200 www.focusonchildren.com Crossroads Counseling 9717 E. 42nd St, Ste. 208 918-270-4100 www.crossroadsoftulsa.com Children’s Behavioral Health (Wraparound Tulsa) 7010 S. Yale, Ste. 100 918-492-2554 www.tulsasoc.org Parkside Psychiatric Hospital/Clinic 1620 E. 12th 918-588-8888 www.parksideinc.org

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Dayspring Community Services 5525 E. 51st St, Ste. 400 918-712-0859 www.dayspringao.org Family & Children’s Services 650 S. Peoria 918-587-9471 www.fcsok.org Parent Child Center 1421 S. Boston 918-599-7999 www.parentchildcenter.org Shadow Mountain Behavioral Health 6262 S. Sheridan 918-492-8200 www.shadowmountainbhs.com Youth Services of Tulsa 311 S. Madison 918-582-0061 www.yst.org

controlling and manipulative behavior

on your own

Protecting Yourself and Your Family

www.ywcatulsa.org

signs of an abusive relationship There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you. Having feelings of selfdoubt, helplessness, and desperation are common. To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions in this table. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

Controlling Behavior

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

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Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior

Do you:

Does your partner:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time? • avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? • feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner? • believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? • wonder if you’re the one who is crazy? • feel emotionally numb or helpless?

• humiliate or yell at you? • criticize you and put you down? • treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? • ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? • blame you for his own abusive behavior? • see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats

Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior

Does your partner:

Does your partner:

• have a bad and unpredictable temper? • hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? • threaten to take your children away or harm them? • threaten to commit suicide if you leave? • force you to have sex? • harm, or threaten to harm, your pets or property?

• act excessively jealous and possessive? • control where you go or what you do? • keep you from seeing your friends or family? • limit your access to money, the phone, or the car? • constantly check up on you?

emotional abuse When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.

Understanding Emotional Abuse The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim Emotional abuse can of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you be just as damaging as have nothing.

physical abuse—some-

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. The scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.

sexual abuse Sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships. Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence.

45

Controlling Behavior

times even more so. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

economic or financial abuse Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes: • Rigidly controlling your finances. • Withholding money or credit cards. • Making you account for every penny you spend. • Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter). • Restricting you to an allowance. • Preventing you from working or choosing your own career. • Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly). • Stealing from you or taking your money. Information from this section excerpted with permission from Helpguide.org © 2001-2010. All rights reserved. For more articles in this series, visit www.Helpguide.org. To read more on this topic, go to: http://helpguide.org/mental/ domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

take back control Controlling Behavior

Although we may hope that a divorce signals the end of controlling or manipulative behavior, this is not always the case. People don’t change just because you get divorced. For women without kids, it can be easier to “cut all ties” with their former husband. Getting a new, unlisted phone number and changing your email accounts may be enough to cut off unwanted communication. However, if you share custody of the children, you will need to continue communicating with your ex. This makes it harder to avoid unwanted interactions.

Set Ground Rules for Verbal Communication

46

If your ex-husband continues to berate and belittle you every time you speak, it’s time to set some ground rules. Explain that you are willing to talk to him, but you will not be verbally abused. Calmly express that if he wants to talk to you with respect, you will be happy to listen. Insist that these boundaries are respected, and do not give in to his control by agreeing to participate in an exchange that diminishes your self-worth.

Set Boundaries with Email and Technology Set boundaries with technology. Create a new email address to be shared only with your friends and family. Then keep the old email address for the sole purpose of communicating with your former spouse. If your spouse attempts to communicate via your work email, simply create a rule that will block his incoming emails from your work account. (Your company’s IT department can help you with this.) By compartmentalizing your email accounts, you gain power over communications with your ex. You can choose when and how often you will correspond. You are in control. Instead of being reactive, you get to dictate when you will read the emails, and when to reply. Just because your ex has sent you an email doesn’t mean you have to respond immediately. If your ex uses the telephone to harass or abuse you, change your phone number and don’t share it with him. Let him know via email that you will no longer communicate with him over the phone; from now on you will communicate only in writing.

If you are in a control-

One of the benefits of using email and written communicaling or manipulative tion is that it is much less emotional. The act of writing gives us time to separate the emotion from the words. It relationship, be aware helps you gain distance. Plus, you can keep copies that dangerous behavior if needed.

can escalate during

escalation of abuse during divorce

times of stress.

Stressful times can escalate violence. Divorce can be one of those times, so it’s important that you be aware of the increased risk.

What about Stalking? Like domestic violence, stalking is a crime of power and control. Stalking refers to a repeated pattern of harassment or threatening behavior. It can take the form of physical stalking or cyber-stalking.

47

Controlling Behavior

The Benefits of Written Communication

Either type may or may not be accompanied by a credible threat of serious harm, but all stalking can cause psychological damage, and potentially lead to more dangerous behavior.

Some Things Stalkers Do: • Repeatedly call you, including hang-ups. • Follow you and show up wherever you are. • Send unwanted gifts, letters, cards or e-mails. • Damage your home, car or other property. • Monitor your phone calls or computer use. • Use technology, like hidden cameras or global positioning systems (GPS), to track where you go. • Drive by or hang out at your home, school or work. • Threaten to hurt you, your family, friends or pets. • Find out about you by using public records or on-line search services, hiring investigators, going through your garbage or contacting friends, family, neighbors or co-workers. • Other actions that control, track or frighten you.

Controlling Behavior

if you recognize any of these signs of an abusive relationship… Take Steps to Increase Your Safety

Whether you are concerned about physical abuse or stalking, you can take steps to increase your safety.

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• If you are in immediate danger, call 911. • Trust your instincts. Don’t downplay the danger. If you feel you are unsafe, you probably are. • Take threats seriously. Danger generally is higher when the stalker/ abuser talks about suicide or murder or when a victim tries to leave or end the relationship. • Contact a crisis hotline, victim services agency or a domestic violence or rape crisis program. They can help you devise a safety plan, give you information about local laws, refer you to other services, and weigh options such as seeking a protective order. • Develop a safety plan, including things like changing your routine, arranging a place to stay, and having a friend or relative go places with you. Also, decide in advance what to do if the stalker shows up

at your home, work, school or somewhere else. Tell people how they can help you. • Don’t communicate with a stalker or respond to attempts to contact you. • Keep evidence of stalking and abuse. When the person follows you or contacts you, write down the time, date, and place. Keep e-mails, phone messages, letters or notes. Photograph anything of yours the stalker damages and any injuries the stalker causes. • Ask witnesses to write down what they saw. • Contact the police. Every state has stalking and domestic violence laws. • Consider getting a protective order. • Tell family, friends, roommates, and co-workers about the stalking and seek their support. Tell security staff at your job or school. Ask them to help watch out for your safety.

more information

Controlling Behavior

If you feel that you are at risk for domestic violence, we have included several fact sheets and resources to provide additional information and support. These may be found at the end of this section: • Danger Assessment • My Safety Plan • What You Should Know about Protective Orders • Where to Go for Help

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danger assessment

Controlling Behavior

No Yes

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Has the physical violence increased in severity or frequency over the past year? Does he own a gun? Have you left him after living together during the past year? (If have never lived with him, check here___) Is he unemployed? Has he ever used a weapon against you or threatened you with a lethal weapon? (If yes, was the weapon a gun?____) Does he threaten to kill you? Has he avoided being arrested for domestic violence? Do you have a child that is not his? Has he ever forced you to have sex when you did not wish to do so? Does he ever try to choke you? Does he use illegal drugs? (“uppers” or amphetamines, Meth, speed, angel dust, cocaine, “crack”, street drugs or mixtures.) Is he an alcoholic or problem drinker? Does he control most or all of your daily activities? (For instance: does he tell you who you can be friends with, when you can see your family, how much money you can use, or when you can take the car? (If he tries, but you do not let him, check here: ____) Is he violently and constantly jealous of you? (For instance, does he say “If I can’t have you, no one can.”) Have you ever been beaten by him while you were pregnant? (If you have never been pregnant by him, check here: ____) Has he ever threatened or tried to commit suicide? Does he threaten to harm your children? Do you believe he is capable of killing you? Does he follow or spy on you, leave threatening notes or messages on answering machine, destroy your property, or call you when you don’t want him to? Have you ever threatened or tried to commit suicide? The higher the number of yes answers, the greater the danger.

my safety plan Make a safety plan

Having a safety plan can help you and your children get out of a violent situation quickly. You can take these steps ahead of time:

Pack a suitcase Keep a change of clothing for you and your children, toiletries, and an extra set of keys to the house and car with a friend or neighbor.

Keep special items in a safe place Have important items handy so you can take them with you on short notice. These may include prescription medicines, identification, extra cash, checkbook, and credit cards. Also include medical and financial records, such as mortgage or rent receipts. Be sure to take a special toy or book for each child. Store important documents (for example: birth certificates, auto registration, deeds) where you can find and access them.

Talk to your children

Controlling Behavior

Let them know that it is not their role to try to stop the fighting. Tell them to call the police or get help from a family member, friend, or neighbor. Have those phone numbers where the children can find and access them.

Know exactly where you will go Regardless of the time of day or night, know a friend’s or a relative’s home or a shelter for battered women where you can go. Try to avoid fighting in a kitchen or bathroom where your abuser may have access to weapons or where there is no escape.

If you are injured Call your doctor or go to the emergency room if you are hurt. Give your doctor complete information about how you were injured. Ask for injuries to be documented. Ask for a copy of the medical record so you can file charges if you wish.

Call the police Domestic violence is a crime. Give the police complete information about the incident. Be sure to get the officer’s badge number and a copy of the report in case you want to file charges later. You can create your own personalized safety plan on the Domestic Violence Intervention Services’ (DVIS) website: www.dvis.org

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what you should know about protective orders If you have been abused, threatened, harassed or stalked by your spouse or ex-spouse, you can obtain an Order of Protection (“protective order”). An Order of Protection is a civil court order that is designed to restrict unwanted contact and stop violent and harassing behavior. Although it is “just a piece of paper,” a protective order gives you legal recourse when faced with harassing or threatening behavior. It allows law enforcement to intervene if any of the conditions of the protective order are broken.

There are different types of protective orders. • Emergency temporary orders • Emergency ex parte protection orders • Final Order of Protection

Controlling Behavior

An emergency temporary order is a short-term protective order that is granted when the court is closed, such as late in the evening or on the weekend. A police officer or sheriff may file a petition for you to receive an emergency temporary order without the knowledge of the abuser, and without the abuser being present in the court or in custody. An emergency temporary order lasts until the end of the next day that the court is open. To extend the order, you must file for an emergency ex parte order on the first day that the court is open for business. An emergency ex parte protection order is similar to an emergency temporary order, except that you must file for it yourself at a District Court during court business hours. A police officer cannot do this for you. Like the emergency temporary order, you may file for the emergency ex parte order without the abuser’s knowledge or presence in the courthouse. An emergency ex parte order will remain in effect until the hearing for your final protection order, which usually takes place within 10 days. To get an ex parte order, the judge must believe that the order is necessary to protect you from immediate and present danger of domestic abuse, stalking or harassment.

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A Final Order of Protection is issued for a longer period of time than an ex parte or temporary order. A final protection order can be issued

only after a court hearing in which you and the abuser each have a chance to tell your side of the story. The judge may issue a Final Order of Protection even if the abuser fails to appear. A final order may last up to three years. You may also be able to have it extended.

A Final Order of Protection May:

Controlling Behavior

• Order the abuser to stop abusing you. • Order the abuser to stop threatening you. • Order the abuser not to contact you, including by telephone, email or other electronic communication. • Order the abuser not to stalk or harass you. • Suspend the abuser’s right to visit your children, if he has visitation privileges. • Force the abuser to vacate a home that he shares with you. • Order the abuser to pay your attorney’s fees, if you have any. • Order your abuser to hand over any firearms in his possession to the authorities and forbid him from buying firearms. • Order the abuser to use an active, real-time, twenty-four hour Global Positioning System (GPS) monitoring device. • Order the abuser to attend counseling programs or a program of treatment for domestic abuse. • Grant any other relief the court deems necessary for your protection.

How to Use Your Protective Order • Keep your protective order with you at all times. When you change your purse, it should be the first thing that goes in it. • Give copies to a trusted neighbor, co-worker and family members. • Call 911 if the abuser breaks the protective order. It’s critical that you call the police to establish a record of any and all violations. • Inform family, friends, neighbors, and your physician that you have a protective order in effect. • Develop a Safety Plan so you can react quickly in an emergency.

Caveats It is important to remember that an Order of Protection will not guarantee your safety. It is an Order of the Court that gives law enforcement the right to intervene at the earliest indication of harassing, threatening or violent behavior. However, it is no substitute for a safety plan for 53

yourself and your children. You should plan carefully what to do if you are in danger: how you will escape, where you will go, and what strategies you will use to be protected from danger. For more information about creating a safety plan, see the “My Safety Plan” sheet on page 51.

protective order faq’s

What does it cost to file for a protective order? No filing fee is charged at the time of filing the petition. Oklahoma Statutes prohibit fees to one seeking a protective order.

Do I need an attorney to get a protective order? No. In fact, most persons obtaining a protective order do not have an attorney.

What information is required to file a protective order? The defendant’s name and address and a statement of facts to justify the protective order. Controlling Behavior

When does it become enforceable? After the judge signs the protective order, it becomes enforceable as soon as the defendant is served with a copy of the protective order by a deputy, police officer, or private process server.

What if I see the defendant in a public place while my protective order is in effect? It is not a violation of the protective order for both parties to be in a public place at the same time, regardless of who arrived there first. Neither party is required to leave. However, the defendant may not visit with or interfere with you at the public place.

where to go for help:

The Ann Patterson Dooley Family Safety Center 3010 S. Harvard Ave., Tulsa (918-742-7480) Open 9:00 am – 5:00 pm, Monday through Friday 54

Advocates can help you determine whether or not a protective order is safe for you and can give guidance as you petition the court for a protective order. They can also make referrals for other services in the community. Domestic Violence Intervention Services, Inc. (DVIS/Call Rape) 4300 South Harvard, Tulsa, Oklahoma 74135 918-585-3163 www.dvis.org 24-Hour Crisis Line: 918-7-HELP-ME (918-743-5763) Advocates can help you petition the court for a protective order and make referrals for other services in the community. Domestic Relations Desk of the Tulsa County Clerk of District Court, 2nd Floor, Tulsa County Courthouse 500 South Denver, Tulsa, Oklahoma 74103 This office will provide you with the forms to complete to ask the court for a protective order. This office cannot give you legal advice or provide advocacy for you. DVIS/Call Rape staff members are available at the courthouse to assist you. Controlling Behavior

Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Oklahoma Safeline - 1-800-522-7233 (SAFE) Referrals (M-F/9-5) 405-524-0700 www.ocadvsa.org National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network Hotline 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)

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Controlling Behavior

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self care

on your own

Taking Care of Yourself during the Process

www.ywcatulsa.org

self care Women spend so much time taking care of others—children, spouses, elderly parents­—we often forget how to take care of ourselves. Especially during times of stress and upheaval, it’s important to think like a flight attendant and remember to “place the oxygen mask over your own nose and mouth before assisting others.” Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. Taking care of yourself will give you the emotional and physical strength needed to help your family through this chaotic time. This section will help you understand how stress affects your body, and offer some practical tips about things you can do to help yourself.

feeling like you’re under attack Divorce can be one of the most stressful periods in a woman’s life. Big changes are never easy, and stepping off into the unknown can be incredibly frightening and intimidating. All of this creates stress, which affects us both physically and emotionally.

Divorce can be one of the most stressful periods in a woman’s life. Big changes are never easy, and Self Care

stepping off into the unknown can be incred-

If you’ve ever felt your heart race, your hands tremble, or your stomach clench with worry and fear, then you know it’s not “all in your head.” In fact, the instinctive part of our brains can’t tell the difference between stressful thoughts and actual physical threats. So when we’re consumed by worries and fear, our bodies respond as if we’re actually under attack. This is called the “fight or flight” response.

ibly frightening and intimidating.

Living with long-term stress means that your body remains in a constant state of “fight or flight”—perpetually flooded with adrenaline and other stress hormones, affecting everything from your heart rate to your digestion to your ability to think—none of which is healthy. So, what can you do?

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breathe, just breathe It sounds silly, but breathing matters. And just because we’ve been doing it all our lives doesn’t mean that we can’t learn a thing or two about the act of pulling air into our lungs. Picture yourself relaxing by the ocean—perfectly calm, perfectly content. It’s easy to imagine yourself in a beach chair, taking nice, slow, deep breaths—because that’s what we do when we’re relaxed. Now, imagine yourself in a state of stress. You will probably picture yourself with your heart racing, taking quick, shallow breaths—because that’s what we do when we’re stressed out. But here’s the surprise: breathing doesn’t just react to your emotional and physical state; the way you breathe can actually change your emotional and physical state.

The way you breathe can actually change your emotional and physical state.

Conscious Breathing Breathing is both a conscious and unconscious act—it functions automatically, but you can also control it. You can choose to take slower, deeper breaths. And when you do this—when you breathe like a calm person—your body responds likewise. Your blood pressure will improve, your heart will stop pounding, even your digestive system will benefit, and you will feel more peaceful and relaxed.

Self Care

This is called “conscious breathing,” and the best part is that it’s free, it’s easy to learn, and it doesn’t take a lot of time. It’s a great way to reduce stress, overcome anxiety, and feel more in control.

Basic Concepts First step? Breathe like an opera singer. When you breathe in, your stomach should go out (this uses the diaphragm muscles to help you pull in much more air than simply expanding your chest). When you exhale, your stomach should go in (this uses the stomach muscles and diaphragm to help push the air out completely). Most people do this backwards. As a result, they never experience a deep, full breath. 59

So practice breathing correctly! At first, it may be helpful to place your hand on your stomach, so you can feel it moving out when you inhale, and in when you exhale. Next step? Inhale through your nose, and exhale through your mouth. This may seem silly, but it will give you something to think about besides whatever’s stressing you out. Get comfortable. Wear loose clothing. Relax your belly and jaw muscles. And get ready for some conscious breathing! At first, practice this exercise while sitting in a chair with your legs, hands and arms uncrossed, and your feet flat on the floor. After a while, you will find yourself practicing conscious breathing whenever you need a stress reliever: in the car, walking down the street, lying in bed at night, or even while doing laundry!

Breathing Exercise

Self Care

1. Exhale first. The goal is to empty your lungs. Relax your shoulders and facial muscles. Breathe out steadily through your mouth. Pull in your stomach muscles to push out the last bit of air. 2. Inhale steadily through your nose. Expand your belly to open up your diaphragm and make space for a full breath. 3. Hold your breath for a moment. 4. Exhale steadily through your mouth. Again, pull in your stomach to push out all the air. Repeat the above steps for about 3-5 minutes at a time. If you feel a “catch” in your breathing, it’s because you are holding onto tension. Try to relax completely, allowing your breath to move freely. You’ll feel the “catch” go away. This is good! Some experts recommend that you inhale for a count of 4, hold your breath for a count of 7, and exhale for a count of 8. This will force you to take deep, full breaths when you inhale, and to completely empty your lungs when you exhale. The counting also helps take your mind off your worries. When using the 4-7-8 pattern, it’s recommended that you repeat 60

the exercise 4 times in a row, a couple times a day, or whenever you become stressed.

add a meditative twist You may also enjoy mixing a little meditation with your breathing. One way to do this is to “breathe in” peaceful thoughts. Use words like hope, peace, joy, happiness—anything positive and good. As you breathe in, think of your word, and as you breathe out, imagine that feeling flowing through your body. Just focus on one positive word at a time, and eliminate all the stressful thoughts and negative words that are cluttering your brain. For example, perform the breathing exercise described above, but as you inhale, imagine filling your lungs with “hope.” Then, as you exhale, feel the “hope” flow through your body, all the way down to your toes. It may sound silly, but it’s a lot healthier than focusing on fearful, angry or stressful thoughts. So give it a try!

other ways to relieve stress

Self Care

Although conscious breathing is one of the fastest and easiest ways to relieve stress, there are many other tried and true things you can do: • Use your support systems. During divorce it’s helpful to have the emotional support of family and friends. Avoid isolation. Don’t be afraid to open up and reach out to trusted friends. • Plan a simple get-together. Gather some friends for a game night or a BYO salad or dessert buffet. • Get some exercise. Sign up for a class at the YWCA. You’ll meet new people and it will help you stick with a routine. Consider aerobics, dancing, swimming or jogging. Or just take a brisk 15 minute walk. Anything that gets your blood pumping will transform your mood, and put you in a better frame of mind. • Be good to yourself. Try to eat healthy foods and get the rest you need. You might enjoy relaxing activities like yoga, tai-chi, meditation or getting a massage. Listen to music that you enjoy, take time out for a bubble-bath, or watch a movie with friends. • Think of 10 good things. Take a moment each day to think of 10 things, big or small, that you are thankful for or that make you feel

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good. Even on the worst of days, you can find things that you appreciate. (They can be silly or serious: “I’m lucky to have sunshine, a bird singing outside the window, children to love, a hot shower, people who care about me, good health, O Magazine…”). This will take your mind off the negative, and re-focus it on the positive. • Prioritize. Instead of worrying about a thousand things at once, make a list of what really needs to get done. Get it out of your head, and onto paper. Take big, intimidating tasks and break them into smaller items that can be managed in an hour, a day, or a week. Then check them off your list as you accomplish them. • Take time out. Balance time with others with time for yourself. Learn to enjoy being alone. You might discover a new talent you never knew you had—gardening, painting, sewing—or you might just enjoy watching your favorite TV show without interruption! • Have reasonable expectations. Remember that no one copes perfectly. You cannot adjust to all the changes immediately, so allow yourself the time that you need to accept the “new normal.” Take “baby steps.” Try not to beat yourself up, worrying about the past or obsessing about things that are outside your control. • Consider counseling. Needing help does not make You may also enjoy you a failure. It just means that you’re human. If you feel that you need help, you probably do. If you’ve tried mixing a little meditation with your breathing. working out your problems by yourself or by talking to family, friends, or other people you trust and continue to One way to do this is suffer emotional distress, you probably need the skills and to “breathe in” peaceful objectivity of a trained professional. Self Care

thoughts. Use words like hope, peace, joy,

stress triggers

There really isn’t any way to sugarcoat it: deciding to divorce and navigating the process is difficult and stressful. positive and good. Every situation is different but there are some common triggers that often increase stress levels. By acknowledging these triggers and dealing with the feelings that they generate, you’re in a better position to make the best possible decisions for your future.

happiness—anything

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Some common triggers are: • Discovering infidelity • New financial situation • Family role disruptions • Loneliness • Fear of the future • Changes in sleep patterns • Changes in appetite

types of mental health professionals Mental health professionals are specially trained to provide therapy to persons in times of great change, uncertainty or crisis. There are several different types of professional counselors: • Licensed Behavioral Practitioner – LBP • Licensed Professional Counselors – LPC • Marriage and Family Counselors – LMFT • Pastoral Counselors – PC • Psychiatrists – MD • Psychologists – PhD • Licensed Clinical Social Workers – LCSW • Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselors – LADC

how do I find a counselor? If you have health insurance, your medical coverage may include out-patient mental health benefits. In addition, some corporations offer confidential counseling services to their employees as part of a standard benefits package. Self Care

Many people seek the advice and recommendation of friends who have seen a professional. You can also consult the YWCA, which has a comprehensive listing of mental health professionals in private practice, counseling centers providing services on a sliding fee scale, and other community resources available for persons who are divorcing. You can also dial 211 for immediate referrals 24/7.

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You may want to contact several professionals to ask about fees, office procedures, credentials, and professional experience. For a divorcerelated issue, it is important to inquire specifically about the therapist’s experience in working with adults and children who are affected by divorce.

evaluating therapy Counseling may be helpful and yet uncomfortable at the same time. It’s important to understand that different counselors have different methods and styles of working with clients. For counseling to be effective, it is important that you feel you have the right “fit” with your counselor. It’s also important that you define a goal. The therapist should help you figure out what you want to achieve, and how to get there. You should feel jointly involved in the counseling, and that it’s helpful to you. As a client, you must trust yourself to know the degree of discomfort you can tolerate as you go through counseling. If you decide that your counselor is not helpful or you are not comfortable with the individual, don’t be afraid to make a change. There are lots of counselors out there, and you owe it to yourself to find the right one.

Self Care

You may experience times when you will be resistant to dealing with feelings and problems that are painful. Many people experience this resistance at some point in the therapeutic process. However, if your resistance seems extreme or prolonged, you may want to try another therapist. It is also possible that you are simply not psychologically ready to be involved in therapy.

Inappropriate Conduct? There’s a difference between feeling uncomfortable because you are dealing with difficult emotions, and feeling uncomfortable because a therapist is acting inappropriately or not treating you with respect and dignity.

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You should always feel safe with your counselor, and you should expect them to be qualified, professional, and ethical. In addition, a counselor should never use religion or religious texts to place blame and make you feel guilty. If, for any reason, your therapist’s conduct seems questionable or inappropriate, you should contact the licensing board that governs your counselor’s certification. (See page 66.)

Self Care

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state licensing boards

For LPC, LMFT, and LBP:

State Board of Licensed Professional Counselors 1000 N.E. 10th Street Oklahoma City, OK 73117 (405) 271-6030 [email protected] http://pcl.health.ok.gov

For LCSW: Oklahoma State Board of Licensed Social Workers 4545 N. Lincoln Boulevard, Suite 162 Oklahoma City, OK 73154 (405) 521-3712 [email protected] www.osblsw.state.ok.us

For Licensed Psychologists: Oklahoma State Board of Examiners of Psychologists 201 NE 38th Terrace, Suite 3 Oklahoma City, OK 73105 (405) 524-9094 www.ok.gov/OSBEP

For Licensed Psychiatrists:

Self Care

Oklahoma Board of Medical Licensure and Supervision 101 NE 51st St Oklahoma City, OK 73105 (405) 962-1400

For LADC: Oklahoma State Board of Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselors 101 NE 51st Street Oklahoma City, OK 73105 (405) 521-0779 www.okdrugcounselors.org 66

in conclusion We hope that as you have read these pages you have found information, encouragement and direction. With your increased knowledge and understanding of the divorce process, you can become an active participant in the decisions that will affect your future. Your familiarity with the terminology and the steps involved in the process should increase your confidence and ability to deal with any “bumps in the road.” We wish you every success as you embark “on your own.” This publication has been produced by the YWCA Tulsa. It is intended to provide resources and information to women in the process of a divorce. It should not be considered as a substitute for professional legal advice.

In Conclusion

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on your own

women and divorce

This Toolkit Includes: Legal Concerns Financial Considerations Children & Divorce Controlling And Manipulative Behavior Self Care

www.ywcatulsa.org