Mentoring Boundaries for Mentors

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Mentoring Boundaries for Mentors

1. Definition of Boundaries

2. Program Boundaries a. General expectations of mentors b. Mentoring Process

3. Mentor/Mentee Boundaries a. Tips for setting and maintaining boundaries in mentoring relationships b. What is acceptable in the relationship c. Questions/comments of mentees; mentors responses d. What to consider e. Boundary scenarios f. Addressing confidentiality

4. Evaluating the Relationship a. Expectations b. No fault escape clause c. Unfreeze relationship determination

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Definition of Boundaries

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Definition of Boundaries Notes ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________

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Program Boundaries

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General Expectations of Mentors

Mentors are expected to follow the Requirements of the Job Description and Agency Policies which are provided during the interview, at time of hire and in orientation training and on-going training. This includes:

1. Follow the agency’s Personal Conduct Policy-mentors are expected to conduct themselves in a professional manner as is required of agency employees. Language, attire, demeanor and grooming are to be in keeping with the agency environment.

2. Adhere to the agency’s Punctuality and Attendance Policy and to the correlating procedures which are pertinent to volunteer positions.

3. Adhere to the agency’s Dress Code policy which includes the expectation of exhibiting a neat, clean, well-groomed appearance and setting an example for mentees on appropriate dress for the job and for personal safety. Specific dress and grooming is included in the policy.

Follow the code of ethics of Sierra Vista Child & Family Services. The complete “Code of Ethics” agreement will be signed and placed in the mentor’s file in the Human Resources Department.

Mentoring Process 6

Following approval from the Human Resources Department, the Mentor Supervisor will schedule a meeting with the mentor/tutor. The mentor’s/tutor’s interests, availability and preference of age and level of development of a child to be mentored will be discussed. The Mentor Supervisor will review the available mentees information and discuss with the primary staff who is involved with a selected child the appropriateness of the match with a particular mentor/tutor. Prior to the first meeting between the Mentor and the Mentee the Mentor Supervisor will discuss general knowledge about the Mentee assigned to them. Tutoring is a form of mentoring. Most references of Mentor also include Tutors. When this is not the case, Tutors will be mentioned specifically. First Meeting between Mentor and Mentee The meeting will be held in the Foster Care Office. The Mentor Supervisor will introduce the Mentor and Mentee to one another. The Staff/ Foster Parent will meet the Mentor for their child and determine their involvement in this first meeting other than the brief introduction. This will be decided according to the comfort level of the child. The Mentor Supervisor will have activities provided based on the interest of the child as well as possible discussion questions for the Mentor and Mentee to use. At this first meeting an activity is usually the best way to begin to feel comfortable with each other. The questions may be used at another meeting time. At the end of this first time together the Mentor Supervisor, Mentor and Mentee will discuss the time of the next meeting, the expectation of one meeting a week and the acknowledgement that there will be times when the Mentor might not be available. (The Mentor will notify the Supervisor who will notify the Mentee if there has to be a cancellation.) Following the meeting with the Mentor and Mentee, the Mentor Supervisor will debrief about this first meeting: 1. Did the Mentee seem comfortable? 2. Did the Mentor feel that this is a good match? 3. Did the Mentee disclose any special interests or activities that he/she enjoys?

4. What can the Mentor Supervisor do to assist with the next Mentor/Mentee meeting?  Setting of the room 7

 Materials needed for an activity  Involvement of Staff/Foster Parent required Mentor will be encouraged to complete a case note about this first time together.

Following Meetings between Mentor and Mentee-first three months During the next three months the Mentor/Mentee meetings will be in the Foster Care Division Office. The Mentor Supervisor will be available for support and consultation. This could include:     

Providing materials for an activity Assisting with setting up an area ahead of time for the activity Checking in with the Mentor/Mentee during the time they are together Debriefing with the Mentor after the mentoring time. Following up with the Mentee for feedback about the time with the Mentor

At the monthly Mentor Support Group/Trainings, progress will be discussed concerning the mentoring relationships. Adjustments will be implemented as needed. After Three Months of Mentoring Following three months of a consistent mentoring, the child’s Staff/Foster Parent will discuss with the Mentor Supervisor the possibility of the Mentee leaving the office with the Mentor. Safety issues will be reviewed in detail. If deemed appropriate and if the Mentor and Mentee wish to have an activity outside the office, those plans will be made with the Mentor Supervisor. Remember the primary goal of the mentorship is about relationship so activities need to be planned accordingly. Activities off site will be within walking distance and will begin in close vicinity of the office. Activities in the Park could include:     

Going for a walk Playing tennis or badminton-(no badminton net at this time) Playing with the throwing game similar to horseshoes-“Go Gater” Playing catch Jumping Rope

Some of the children enjoy going to the coffee shop a couple of blocks away. This needs to be discussed with the Mentor Supervisor who will receive advisement from Staff/Foster Parent prior to the outing. Arrangements need to be made the week prior to the day of going. This is an activity that is done only occasionally.

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There are times after a long term mentoring relationship that the Mentor may meet the Mentee at a location other than the office. This is pre-planned thoroughly ahead of time with the Sierra Vista Treatment Team, the Mentor Supervisor and the Mentee. Some examples could be:   

Meeting at the mall Attending a local sports event Attending a performance such as a play or concert.

In these instances a Staff or the Foster Parent brings the Mentee to the Mentor and picks them up at the pre-determined time following the event. A part of the decision will be if Staff/Foster Parent needs to be with the Mentor/Mentee during the time they are together. These types of activities are very specific to each Mentor/Mentor relationship. Pre-planning is required.

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Mentor/Mentee Boundaries

Tips for Setting and Maintaining Boundaries in Mentoring Relationships 10

1. Think about the boundaries you want to set early. It is easier to set boundaries when you are prepared. Example: You know ahead of time that you will not allow your mentee’s friends to join you on an outing; you will be ready to respond if you are asked.

2. Talk to your mentee about boundaries. It is important to share your boundaries with each other and agree to be respectful of each other.

3. Model healthy boundaries. Let your mentee see you firmly and kindly set boundaries. If you have the boundary that you will not give or loan money and the mentee asks for lunch money, you might remind him that you are not comfortable lending money. You might offer to buy a sandwich if you are worried he could be hungry.

4. Be consistent. Young people need boundaries to feel safe and understand social expectations. If you are not consistent, it can be confusing and uncomfortable.

5. Do not judge. A young person may use language that is offensive to the mentor. Sometimes this is language learned in the home. Instead of labeling the language and those who use it as bad, mentors should address how they are uncomfortable with that language and ask that mentees not use it when they are together.

6. Help your mentee navigate social and professional expectations. There are a lot of unwritten rules or boundaries and mentors can play an important role in helping young people learn about these expectations.

What is Acceptable in the Relationship 11

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Questions/Comments of Mentees; Mentors Response

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I wasn’t allowed to play all day yesterday. “I would be mad too if I couldn’t play. What did you do today?” I’m too stupid. I can’t do this work. This comment should be re-framed. Examples could be “I see you” doing difficult puzzles, playing really well on a difficult game-(name game), drawing a picture, sharing with-(name other child), listening to others, waiting your turn, playing ball, swimming. Try to be very specific and make sure it is truthful. If you really don’t know what a child does well, you can ask them what they enjoy doing and ask why they like to do that activity. The important thing is to re-direct the negative thoughts and emphasize positive thoughts. This work is too hard for me. Have them show you the work and try one sample with you. Let them know that you will help them. Often they just need it broken down for them into smaller segments. Sometimes it helps to set short goals. “We will do two rows of problems and then we will take a short walk, or play ball for 5 minutes.” Try to find a short activity of something they enjoy. Then proceed for two more rows etc. Sometimes the work is really too hard. If they are really trying, let them stop and try to do something that is easier but still academic-math game for instance. Talk to the mentor supervisor about the difficulty of the assignment after the child has left the office. Input will be received from the foster parent or residential staff as to how we should proceed in the next session. Many children have learning disabilities or have missed a large amount of school. Often they can do the work but it takes a lot of effort which is discouraging to them. I don’t want you for my tutor/mentor. An immediate response could be, “I am sorry you feel like that. I do like meeting with you. What could we do that we could enjoy together?” It is good to stay very matter of fact and not to overly react. After the session, consult with the supervisor. Some children just say these types of comments to see what your reaction might be. They expect us to let them down as other adults have done in the past so they often want that to be in their control. They will set it up so you do let them down. That means they are in control of what happens to them. It is complicated and difficult to understand. Often this type of behavior occurs when they are beginning to feel a connection to someone. That can be scary to some of them. Sometimes it is not a good mentor/mentee match. Sometimes a child is not yet ready for a mentor type relationship. That is OK to admit but please talk it over with the supervisor and not with the child. Another match can probably be found. There is nothing for me to do here. I want to go home. Again, try not to react much to this statement. The child might just want to know how you will react. Some of them might just be trying to determine what they can get out of this mentoring relationship. Many of them connect getting material things with relationships they have had. We are trying to teach that relationships can be about trust, having fun with an adult, and receiving encouragement from someone who cares. 13

It would be good though to take their comment seriously and ask what they would like to do here. Help them write a list or a request (good writing practice) to the mentor supervisor with ideas.

I want to play football and they won’t let me. A response could be:”I would be upset too. I wonder why staff/foster parent/parent won’t let you play?” There could be a reason such as safety for the child, child’s emotional development or social skills. It is good to listen. Be sure to tell this to the mentor supervisor before you leave. It will be explored with staff. My uncle had sex with me. This is an example of an allegation that a child might make to you. Please make a generic comment that you are sorry this happened to them and then try to redirect the conversation with an activity of interest. Report this to the mentor supervisor or other staff present as soon as possible but before you leave the office. You will be guided in the reporting procedure and assisted with it. This could be the reason a child is in placement. Child Abuse Reporting is a section of the mentor training. We are not therapist and we are not the investigators. We do need to report and then let those responsible do their jobs. Much of the role of the mentor is to accept each child unconditionally and to be a role model. They need adults who are non-judgmental and are active listeners. It is good to remember that many of the children have experienced trauma before they have been placed with us. They have developed many coping skills that result in behaviors that are often difficult to understand. Please talk to the mentor supervisor about any questions or concerns you might have about the child during the time you spend with them. Information cannot be shared about their past. Understanding about their behavior can be discussed as it pertains to the mentoring relationship.

What to Consider in Setting Boundaries 1. Is it safe? Is it legal? Is there potential for harm (physical, social or emotional)? 14

2. Is it within the rules and guidelines established by your mentoring organization?

3. Have your mentee’s parent/guardian told you what they expect and will accept, and is it within those guidelines?

4. Will it build Developmental Assets, positive internal and external strengths that help young people thrive, including: a. support b. empowerment c. boundaries and expectations d. constructive use of time e. commitment to learning f. positive values g. social competencies h. positive identity

5. Does it fit your comfort level and expectations of your mentoring relationship?

Boundary Scenarios 15

Scenario 1 You arrive at your usual meeting place and your mentee has not arrived. You had previously called your mentee to let her know what time to meet. You both agreed that you would interview the head of the college art museum for a special school project. What should you d or say next time you talk to your mentee? Scenario2 You have been matched with your mentee for about six months and you are starting to “bond.” One day your mentee asks you if you ever experimented with alcohol when you were younger. You did try alcohol in middle school, and more often in high school. What do say? Scenario 3 Every time you go to pick you your mentee, his/her father greets you at the door and spends at least half an hour chatting with you. You are glad he likes you, but these long greetings are getting in the way of the time you spend with your mentee. How should you handle this situation? Scenario 4 During one of the group activities of the mentoring program, you notice that your mentee is being mean to one of the other children. You’ve noticed this behavior in the past, but have not said anything about it. Your mentee’s attitude toward other children makes you feel uncomfortable. What should you do? Scenario 5 You and your mentee hit it off right away. You were very excited about your match until a few weeks ago when your mentee started calling you a few times a day. You are excited she likes you so much, but are unsure if the amount of time you are spending on the phone is appropriate. You don’t want to hurt her feelings, but you are feeling uncomfortable with the calls at work and tired from all the calls at home. What should you do?

Addressing Confidentiality Issues

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1. Give your mentee a choice. “This is one of those things that we have to report to the program staff. Would you like to tell our case worker or should I?”

2. Let your mentee know what you are going to do. “Remember when we talked about confidentiality and I told you I had to tell the program staff or your mom if I was ever worried about you? I need to talk to them because I am worried. Would you like to be there when I tell them what you just told me?”

3. Let your mentee know you care. “I really enjoy spending time with you and I hope you know I keep almost everything you tell me between us, but this is something I can’t keep to myself.”

4. Talk to the program staff. They can help determine whether the parent needs to be included or not. For instance, if your mentee reports having tried a cigarette and hating it, it may be less important to share with a parent than if your mentee asked you to buy cigarettes for her. The intent is not to harm your relationship or get the young person in trouble, but rather to keep him/her safe.

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Evaluating the Relationship

Expectations Notes

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No Fault Escape Clause Notes 19

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Unfreeze Relationship Determination Notes 20

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