Language & translation-related humor Translation bloopers In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by latest Methodists. In a Zürich hotel: Because of the impropriety of the entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Czech tourist agency: Take one hour horse-driven carriage. We guarantee no miscarriages. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in a bar. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. Two signs at the entrance of a Majorcan shop: English well speaking. Here speeching American. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of an Italian doctor in Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases. On the menu of a Polish restaurant: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy

dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris boutique: Dresses for street walking. From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

A sign posted somewhere in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that couple of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, but only when lit up. In the lobby of a hotel facing a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursdays.

In a Tokyo based hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notice. In the window of an Indian shop: Why go somewhere else to be cheated, when you can come here? In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M.

daily.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the

boots of ascension.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitress rude, ought to see the manager. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Pumwani maternity ward: No children allowed. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. From the brochure of a Tokyo car rental firm: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Somewhere in China:

Somewhere in Israel:

Somewhere in Wales:

(meaning of Welsh text: “I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated.”)

Jokes One for the Brits ... An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. “You must mean the lift,” he said. “No,” the American responded arrogantly, “If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator.” “Well,” the portiere answered, “over here we call them lifts”. “Now you listen,” the American said rather irritated, “someone in America invented the elevator.” “Oh, right you are sir,” the portiere said in a polite tone, “but someone here in England invented the language.” ... one for the Yanks ... At a cocktail reception, a small group included an admiral from the US Navy and one from the French Navy. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He asked, “Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you having to speak French?” Without hesitating, the American admiral replied, “Perhaps it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German?” ... and one for both! A Swiss guy, visiting UK or US (as you wish), pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting. “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” he asks. The two just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous français?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Forse parlate italiano?”. No response. “¿Entonces hablan ustedes español?”. Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first local turns to the second and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other, “That guy knew four of them, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Hello!

The creative interpreter A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, an interpreter was in the saloon and offers to translate for the Ranger. He tells the bandit he is under arrest, and the ranger wants to know where he hid the loot. The bandit replies in Spanish, “Vete al infierno!”. The ranger tells the translator “Did you tell him I will shoot him, if he doesn’t tell me?”. The translator repeats this to the bandit. The bandit spits at the ranger. The ranger shoots him in the kneecap and puts the gun again to the bandit’s head. He tells the translator “Tell him this is his last chance. He tells me where the money is, or I kill him.” The bandit is screaming in pain and cursing the ranger. But he is also scared for his life now. The terrified bandit blurts out, “Tienen que caminar tres cuadras hasta ese gran arbol: allí está el dinero”. What did he say?” asks the Ranger. The translator answers, “He said ‘Get lost, gringo. You wouldn’t dare kill me.’“

The He-ish and She-ish languages We all know how hard it is at times to understand our beloved partners... sometimes it just seems like we speak two different languages and there is no way one can understand the other. I called these languages Sheish and Heish, respectively, and in an effort to contribute to the peace, harmony and understanding in our relationships, I decided to put together the first Sheish/Heish/English glossary ever devised. Some excerpts follow. Sheish → English phrasebook

When she says...

It means...

Yes.

No.

No.

Yes.

Maybe.

No.

I’m sorry.

You’ll be sorry.

We need...

I want...

It’s your decision.

The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want.

You’ll pay for this later.

We need to talk.

I need to complain.

Sure... go ahead.

I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset.

Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re so manly.

You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight.

Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights.

I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient.

I want a new house.

I want new curtains.

I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...

Hang the picture there.

NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise.

I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me?

I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me?

I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute.

Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat?

Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate.

Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!?

Too late, you’re dead.

Was that the baby?

Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep?

I’m not yelling!

I am yelling because I think this is important!

(in response to “What’s wrong?”) The same old thing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Everything.

Nothing, really.

It’s just that you re such an idiot!

Heish → English phrasebook

When he says...

It means...

It’s a guy thing.

There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

Can I help with dinner?

Why isn’t it already on the table?

Uh-huh / Sure, honey / Yes, dear / etc.

(absolutely nothing - Pavlovian conditioned response)

It would take too long to explain.

I have no idea how it works.

Take a break, honey. You’re working too hard.

I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

That’s interesting, dear.

Are you still talking?

You know how bad my memory is.

I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop,’ the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned... but I forgot your birthday.

Oh, don’t fuss, I just cut myself. It’s no big deal.

I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.

Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.

I sure hope I think of some reason pretty soon.

I can’t find it.

It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.

What did I do this time?

What did you catch me at?

I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.

No one will ever see us alive again.

We share the housework.

I make the messes; she cleans them up.

Rules for better writing 1.

Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3.

And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

4.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5.

Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)

6.

Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7.

Be more or less specific.

8.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9.

Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10.

No sentence fragments.

11.

Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.

12.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13.

Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

14.

One should NEVER generalize.

15.

Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

16.

Don’t use no double negatives.

17.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20.

The passive voice is to be ignored.

21.

Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22.

Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23.

Kill all exclamation points!!!

24.

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25.

Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

26.

Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

28.

If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times. Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million uses it correctly.

29.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31.

Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

33.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Miscellaneous EuroEnglish The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as “EuroEnglish”: -In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favor of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with the “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”‘s in the language is disgracful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaiining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU! The importance of punctuation Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Gloria Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria Southern United States to English glossary Bard. Verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.” Jawjuh. Noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.” Munt. Noun. A calendar division. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.”

Ignert. Adjective. Not smart. Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!” Ranch. Noun. A tool. Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.” All. Noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.” Far. Noun. A conflagration. Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.” Tarred. Adjective. Exhausted. Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.” Rat. Noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.” Farn. Adjective. Not local. Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country.” Ear. Noun. A colorless, odorless gas. Usage: “He can’t breathe ... give ‘em some ear!” Gummit. Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution. Usage: “Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”