I’d be a card-carrying member of the Disorganized Club, except it doesn’t issue cards cuz it knows we’d all just lose them. Long live disorganization. I heart messy. However. The more kids I have, the harder it is to wrangle everything and everyone, and I’m afraid I’ve resorted to...um...this is embarrassing...charts.

I hate charts. Charts are for organized people who have their life together. Charts are for people who feel peace wash over them when they check a little box. I feel choked by charts. And yet. Things have gotten so crazy around here that I bought a laminating machine and started printing out checklists and taping them to doors and walls. I hate charts, but I’m becoming a reluctant chart user. Most charts are too complicated for me and make me want to lie down on the kitchen floor and moan. My charts are for chart-haters like myself. They are mostly a total joke, mostly don’t help, but make me feel better about my choices. And they are my gift to you. (Click “print to fit” when you print them, and feel free to chop off the chart part if you just want a comic book of scenes from my life.) If you’re a chart lover, please enjoy laughing at me. If you’re a chart hater, please enjoy laughing with me. Motherhood rocks my face off, especially the part where I get to laugh a lot. That’s really the most important thing of all. Well, that, and the actual children.

My kids are driving me crazy.

Mine, too.

Your kids are nuts.

Dating for Moms Date Tracker Dating other moms is our lifeline to sanity. It isn’t always easy to crank out a date, but try to grab one when you can, even if it’s a quickie while you push your carts at the grocery store. Use this chart to make sure you have enough mom on mom magic in your life. First Base Date: Hanging out with another mom at your kids’ practice or rehearsal. (Value: 1 Point) Second Base Date: Spending time together with kids on neutral territory, like the park or a restaurant. (Value: 10 Points)

Wanna ditch ‘em and go eat chocolate?

Meet you in 5 minutes.

Third Base Date: Playdate at one of your houses. (Value: 15 Points) Fourth Base Date: The homer. Mom date without kids, because you like each other that much. (Value: 30 Points) POINTS PER WEEK • 1-9: Oh c’mon, you’re not even trying. Go ask a girl out already. • 10-19: Keep initiating. You’re getting there. • 20-29: You’re working hard at building relationships. Do you feel your sanity returning? • 30-39: You have some good friends and you’re doing a great job of connecting with other women. • 40+: You’re a mom-dating dynamo. Keep up the good work.

Mom Mommy Mom

Kerfloo flum, flerb coffeee gwerf, floob

suck suck suck suck

Print + Go Grocery List If you’re disorganized like I am, you swing into the grocery store and grab things you think you might need. Making a list just seems sooooo too much effort. I’m here to help you out. Here’s premade list you can just print and take with you. Um, you’re welcome. ‰‰Coffee ‰‰Coffee ‰‰Coffee

I don’t need coffee to wake up. I do an hour of cardio each

‰‰Coffee ice cream

Shhhh. We can’t be friends unless you stop talking.

‰‰Bananas ‰‰Stamps ‰‰Rainbow Nerds ‰‰Melatonin

Good morning, sweet babies. C’mere. Mommy, loves you so much...

‰‰Chocolate bars ‰‰Chocolate covered almonds ‰‰Chocolate syrup ‰‰Chocolate almond milk ‰‰Coffee flavored chocolate ‰‰Chocolate flavored coffee ‰‰Chicken breasts ‰‰Other___________________________________________________ ‰‰Other___________________________________________________ ‰‰Other___________________________________________________ ‰‰Other___________________________________________________ ‰‰Other___________________________________________________ ‰‰Other___________________________________________________ ‰‰Other___________________________________________________

Later...



Kids, here comes the teacher. Grab your backpacks. Okay, love you. Buh-bye.

Hey, teacher. Our van is old school. You have to yank the door open yourself.

Mommy’s Getting Ready Chart I almost never manage to put on actual clothing before I shove my kids in the van, toss in their backpacks and lunches, and haul hiney to the school. If you’re like me, then maybe this reward chart will give you an incentive to put on shoes in the morning. Give yourself a piece of chocolate on the way to school if you managed actual pants and shoes, two if you also threw on a bra. A whole week earns a latte, and a whole month earns one whole Saturday in bed watching movies.

Week 1 Sun

You have to close it yourself, too. Please don’t walk away. I’m in my jammies with no bra and haven’t showered in 3 days. I cannot get out of this van.

Mon Tues

Dammit.

Wed Thurs Fri Sat

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Old bra?

New bra.

too fancy, too frilly too shiny, too silly

Mommy’s Self Care Chart Too many of us race through the day attending to our children and any other various and sundry jobs we juggle. Most days I can’t remember if I’ve been to the bathroom and every time I try to feed myself, my kids want whatever I’m having. Whenever I do make it to the doctor, he always asks why he hasn’t seen me in awhile, and it’s because I’m too busy taking everyone else to the doctor to go myself unless I’m ten minutes from death. Here are some things we need to do for ourselves on a semiregular basis: ‰‰ Go to the bathroom by yourself and lock the door. ‰‰ Eat your own meals, not just the crusts from your kids’ sandwiches.

too crooked, too straight too pointed ... WAIT!

New bra?

Old bra.

‰‰ Sit down for ten minutes. ‰‰ Put on yummy smelling lotion. ‰‰ Make an appointment for yourself (doctor, dentist, hair, massage, whatever). ‰‰ Enjoy a big full frontal hug. ‰‰ Brush your hair and teeth.



Time for school! Brush teeth, brush hair, wash face, make bed, get dressed.

teeth hair face bed dressed teeth hair face bed dressed teeth hair face bed dressed

Morning Routine Checklist My son lives in his own little morning world. I lay his clothes on top of him in bed and he still manages to stumble out of his room twenty minutes before school with colossal bedhead and rancid morning breath, in his Lego Star Wars jammies. I’ve finally attached a chart to the back of his door with a checklist, and every time he appears downstairs for breakfast, I ask him if he’s knocked off the list. If not, back upstairs, buck-o.

‰‰Get dressed ‰‰Make bed

Ready. Did you brush your teeth? No. Hair? No. Wash face? No. What did you do?! Umm...Star Wars Legos. GAH!

I’m going back to bed. What’s with Mom?

‰‰Socks and shoes ‰‰Brush teeth ‰‰Brush hair ‰‰Wash face ‰‰Turn off bedroom lights ‰‰Take vitamins ‰‰Folder in backpack ‰‰Eat breakfast

Weeere boooorrrrred. Sooooo booorrrinnng. Our lives are completely laaaammmme.

When I was your age I was never bored. I did this thing called reading. Go find a book and enter another more exciting universe.

Stopping Bugging Me Activity List My kids complain about boredom every time their world stops spinning for a quarter of a second. Since Mommy’s not a cruise director, here’s a list of options. When your kids follow you around the house draping themselves over the couch and begging you to entertain them, point to the list. • • •

Nooo. Sooo boorrrinngg.

Ummm, ride your bike, write a letter, play a game, build a fort, draw, paint, scooter, chalk on the driveway, find a friend.

We’d rather just stare at you while you try to work.

Make a blanket fort. Organize your sock drawer by color and size. Draw a treasure map, hide something, and get your siblings to find it. • Peel potatoes. • Choreograph moves to your favorite song and perform it. • Rehearse a sock puppet show. • Use sidewalk chalk to make an obstacle course on the driveway. • Hold relay races around the outside of the house. Try it on one leg. • Make a pile of all the toys you want to give away. • Use all your Legos to build a ginormous castle. • Create schematics for an uber-treehouse. • Twirl ribbon like rhythmic gymnasts. • Use a roll of toilet paper to wrap each other like mummies. • Host a neighborhood paper airplane contest. • Fill a bucket with water, grab a paintbrush, and “paint” the driveway. • Using toothpicks and marshmallows, make creatures, then microwave them and watch them blow up. • Learn origami.

I’ve decided to be less critical and more positive.

Yay you for getting out of bed. Great job washing your hands after you peed. Hive five. You just sat on the couch like a boss.

Hashtag Winning Sarcastic Chart Sometimes I feel like all I do is ride my kids about what they need to be doing. Did you __________? Have you ___________? If their little eyeballs roll any harder, they will fly right out of their faces. Here’s a chart they’re sure to master. No nagging required. ‰‰ Wake up ‰‰ Inhale ‰‰ Exhale ‰‰ Blink ‰‰ Whine about something

Way to fill the cup with water. And drink it. Woo-hoo. Hashtag winning. Hashtag all by yourself. Mom’s lost it.

Mom, you’re kinda creepy.

Good one! Excellent adjective. Hashtag awesome sauce.

‰‰ Sit down ‰‰ Eat Something ‰‰ Fight with someone ‰‰ Digest ‰‰ Stand up ‰‰ Forget to flush ‰‰ Yawn ‰‰ Fall asleep Good job, kids. Nailed it.



Okay, family, we are going to get healthy. Paleo muffins, kale smoothies. Mommy went shopping and it’s on like Donkey Kong.

Weeping and gnashing of teeth

Uber-Detailed Meal Plan Dinnertime can be this sucking vortex of desolation. The hour leading up is a desperate pawing through the cabinets to see what ingredients you have that will actually combine into something palatable and involves a vegetable. Once you wrangle everyone to the table, then the fun really begins as they tell you how much they hate it and wish you’d gotten carry out. So I’ve heard. My kids love my dinners every night of course. Of course. I’m not saying this helpful meal planning chart will change your life, but… Week 1

Why do you hate us?!?! This is unfair, unfair, unfair, lack of fairness. Bad Mama, no-no.

Who wants hot dogs and nerds? Yay! Best Mom ever!

Sun

Something in the crockpot

Mon

Something chickeny

Tues

Beef-like substance

Wed

Back of the fridge leftovers

Thurs

Noodley thing

Fri

Something in a blender

Sat

Eggs

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Mommyyy... Door closed, lights out, in bed, no water. I say good night, ma’am. Mommy out.

Mommmyyyyyyyy... Door cracked, closet light on, in bed, sip of water. Go back to bed.

Insomniac’s Sleep Chart Your sleep is of the utmost importance. If your REM gets interrupted night after bloody night, you won’t be able to parent effectively, graciously, or lovingly and could accidentally leave your kid somewhere and end up on the news. You must get sleep. This is essential. Bribery is awesome. If your child goes to bed without a fuss and stays quiet all night, she gets a Starburst in the morning and puts a sticker on the chart. If she goes all week, she earns a Chapstick. If she makes it a whole month, buy her a freaking car.

Week 1 Sun

Mommmyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! Door open, light on, sleeping in hallway, freaking sippy cup. Just whatever.

Mommyyy... Murphluh ug ugh murph...

Mon Tues Wed Thurs Fri Sat

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Kids, video games on the weekends only...

...except Just Dance because it’s exercise...

Video Game Reading Log Are any of your kids really into video games? My son adores them. We only let him play on weekends, but even then, his love affair with his Wii is perhaps cutting into his learning how to read. Just a Wii bit. In order to motivate him to read more, and assuage my enormous guilt over letting him play video games in the first place, how about a chart that tracks his reading and allows him to earn video game time? For every minute he reads throughout the week, he earns a minute of game time on Saturday. READING MINUTES: Week 1

...ok, Wii Sports counts as an outdoor activity...

...just stand up while you play Lego Star Wars.

Mon Tues Wed Thurs Fri WEEKEND GAME MINUTES

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4