How to deal with bullies By Nancy Slessenger
How to deal with bullies By Nancy Slessenger
© Copyright 2004 Nancy Slessenger All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the publisher. This e-Book is provided free; subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise be circulated without the publisher’s prior consent.
Nancy Slessenger How to deal with bullies
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Contents How to recognise a bully
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Understanding the bully
5
What to do about being bullied – Simple strategies that work
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Have you been encouraging someone to bully you?
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If your manager is bullying you
11
How to manage someone who is bullying others
13
Senior managers who bully lots of people
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Tantrum Technique
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The School Bully
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• • • • •
20 24 25 26 29
The child experiencing the bullying Parents of children being bullied If you have been accused of bullying If your child has been accused of bullying Teachers and Head Teachers
Am I a bully?
31
For further help
37
Have you read... Understanding Misunderstandings is my best selling book - discover the easy way to deal with all kinds of difficult people, check out this website for details and download a chapter: http://www.difficultpeople.co.uk “Nancy Slessenger’s wonderful work demonstrates how, in reality, theory should drive implementation....welcome to the 21st century management style” - PY Gerbeau, CEO X-Leisure and formaer CEO of the Millenium Dome and EuroDisney
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Have you ever been bullied? Do you know someone who is being bullied? Perhaps you are managing someone who is bullying others. There’s no need to put up with it. In this ebook you will find techniques for dealing with bullying both at work and at school.
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How to recognise a bully First of all – what is a bully? Here are the behaviours to look for.
Focus on their own needs She does not think about the needs of others. When she acts she does not think about the cost to others. Usually she is completely unaware of it.
Negative assumptions about others These people often refer to others in derogative terms, which assume incompetence or deliberate belligerence.
Jumping to conclusions In many situations she will jump to conclusions without gathering facts and tell others what to do, rather than ask.
Exerting control over others against their will Phrases like ‘you must’ and ‘I will not tolerate’ are common.
Blaming others for problems and events She will not take responsibility for her own actions when they have caused problems, but blames others. They often use sarcasm to do this.
Opinions are given as facts She uses statements like ‘this is useless’ and ‘this is rubbish’ instead of an analysis of the situation and investigation of the facts.
They deliver personal insults in front of others Phrases like: ‘You are an idiot’. Or ‘you are stupid’ Are common. Sarcasm is common here.
The victim tends to think there is nothing he or she can do This is probably the most serious problem of all. Victims speak in terms of what the person does to them. You may well have encountered someone who uses some of these behaviours (probably not all!) at some time or other.
The bad news We all behave like this sometimes. Most of us don’t realise we are doing it. When does it happen? Often when we are feeling frustrated, tired or angry. We stop being able to see other people’s point of view, or even being interested in it. We revert to very childish behaviour. That’s what bullying is, childish.
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Understanding the bully If you have children I expect you will remember that when they were very young they would just point at something or say ‘biscuit’ and you would get it for them. In other words they were just telling you what they wanted and did it for them. This is bullying, but it is appropriated behaviour for a two year old. Most two-year-old children learn more effective ways of negotiating, as they grow a bit older. They learn to say please and thank you (some take longer than others). We don’t regard this as a great problem and we tend to deal with it effectively. When we see a slightly older child who should know to say please, we remind them and we don’t give them the biscuit till they do. The adult behaviour is just the same, it’s just that you don’t realise you are dealing with a small child because you see someone who is middle-aged in front of you.
What has happened to this adult to make them behave this way? It may be that they are feeling threatened or that they have simply never learned more effective negotiation skills. Either way, by giving in you are encouraging the bullying behaviour. You already know this. Imagine the scene. You see a child in a supermarket screaming her head off for a Mars Bar. The parent gives her the Mars Bar. You know what the parent should do, don’t you? You know the parent should refuse to buy the Mars Bar. You know that if the child gets the Mars Bar she will learn to scream every time she wants a Mars Bar. When a person is bullying she is generally not using parts of her brain that would help her to negotiate more effectively. This is often because she is experiencing an emotion that makes it very difficult to behave reasonably. So this gives us our first step in dealing with bullying behaviour. You need to change the emotion the bully is experiencing. Emotions focus our attention and regulate the flow of information. A person who is bullying someone else is often feeling angry. This emotion focuses your attention in a very narrow way, it also stops any information from coming in – it all rushes outwards, towards the victim.
Key Tip
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Status
I want
Bullies usually tend to be quite status-oriented. Why is this? It is because, when you are a small child, everyone who is bigger than you are has more power than you do. As you grow older, size becomes less relevant. However, bullies are thinking like children, so big or senior people are seen has more powerful and status remains very important. How they look to senior people will be vital to them.
The bully is totally focused on what they want. You do not even enter their consciousness. It’s not that they are deliberately picking on you – they are not even thinking about you and your needs.
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One simple way of dealing with this is to stand up when they are sitting down. Never let yourself be in a position where they are standing and you are seated. At the very least, you need to stand when he does (this even works over the phone because your voice sounds different when you stand). Another method is to go ‘over their head’ and talk to their boss. In the world of the bully this is legitimate behaviour.
Key Tip
Reasoning is futile You need to make it clear what the rules are. They may throw tantrums to start with, but in the end they will give in. Usually this happens sooner than you might think.
!
Trying to reason with someone who is angry and is bullying is often as fruitless as explaining to a two-year-old child that chocolate may damage their teeth or make them fat. It won’t make any difference.
Bullies often live in a world of their own. They think in a very short-term way so are not able to predict the consequences of their actions. They are not deliberately being awkward, though it may seem like it. You need to help them understand what the consequences of their actions will be.
Seminars - Workshops - Teleclasses To discover how other services Vinehouse offer can benefit you and others - click here “Nancy really knows her subject. This comes through not only when she discusses theory but in the way she works directly with delegates on their “problem people” by providing truly insightful stories of how her techniques have worked in the ‘real world’” - Debbie Jenkins Vinehouse run regular masterclasses, teleclasses and large scale seminars all designed to improve your ability to deal with difficult people and bullying - to discover more about my other work - click here
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What to do about being bullied – Simple strategies that work Remember you are dealing with a two-year-old child. I know this sounds ridiculous, but as soon as you realise that’s the behaviour you have, the easier it is to deal with.
Get their attention If you really want this person to listen to you, you need to get their attention first. To do this, you need to use their name. Remember, their attention is much more likely to be focused on themselves than you. Bullies tend to be very self-centered.
Repeat back his requests (demands!), using his own vocabulary This will let her know you have listened and help to change their emotions. This is because you will have met a basic need. Negative feelings come from unmet needs. If you can meet a basic need you will help the bully to change their feelings and emotions. This will change their behaviour.
Find out what they really need to achieve The bully will usually have just jumped to one solution, often an ineffective one, to get what they want. This is a want, not a need. You have to discover the need.
Ask questions about the needs and situation carefully The questions need to be showing interest, and not to be like an interrogation. Use what where when who and how.
Ask questions to expand her understanding Bullies focus mainly on their own needs and on themselves. This leads to many misunderstandings. To help them to see others’ points of view, ask them questions. (Telling them rarely helps, as they often don’t listen.) Here are some examples: • What do you know about what I was doing yesterday? • What is your understanding of the costs?
Ask questions about the consequences of their actions Bullies are usually focusing on the here and now. The focus is narrow. Because of this, they often have no idea about the consequences of their actions. Use questions to help them think into the future. (Telling won’t work.) For example ‘What happened last time we did this?’ or ‘How much will this cost?’ ‘How will Tom be affected?’
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Never use ‘Why?’ questions Because these could be interpreted as a threats or attacks.
Listen carefully to their answers and summarise them
Key Tip
Use their language and intonation.
Help them to feel safe Most bullies feel threatened and frightened. A basic need is to feel safe. It’s much easier to behave in an adult way if you feel safe.
!
Often bullies won’t really know what they need and you will have to help them work it out.
Ignore any personal insults There is no point in getting into an argument over insults. It won’t do you any good and it will generally make their behaviour worse. Focus on what needs to be achieved.
Do not behave defensively It’s easy to do, I know. Someone attacks you so you go on the defensive: ‘I didn’t do that.’ ‘That’s not true.’ ‘What we were trying to do was…’ It just doesn’t work as you may have noticed. In fact, most of the time it just makes the situation worse. I know it’s your reflex reaction. Do you your best to resist. Just listen. Then summarise back they key points. You don’t have to agree with them, you just say; ‘So what you are saying is…’ Or ‘You feel that…’ Then wait for their agreement that you got it right.
Check your own behaviour If you are working with someone who uses bullying behaviour towards you, make sure that for your next meeting with that person: • • • • •
The time and date are at your convenience You are prepared You remain standing (to give you more authority) You ask the questions e.g. ‘When do you need this report?’ You breathe deeply and regularly (this helps you to keep calm).
Extra Practical Tips For 101 additional tips and techniques for dealing with a range of difficult people - take a look at “Difficult People Made Easy” - you c a n change the behaviour of difficult people and this guide is packed full of advice for helping you deal with them - click here to discover more
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Have you been encouraging someone to bully you? I know you don’t think you have. But you may have been doing it accidentally. Over the years I have observed people who have been bullied. Many of them share some key behaviours.
Blaming others This is fundamental. I have often heard statements like: • ‘He did it to me.’ • ‘She makes me feel …’ • ‘He intimidates me.’ These are all ways of blaming others for the situation you are in and for how you feel.
Key Tip
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Once you blame others, you give away all your power and control, so then you think it is up to others to do something.
People often say that they bully should change the way they are behaving. The word ‘should’ is an indicator. It’s showing that you are imposing your view of the world on someone else. Interestingly this is very similar to the way the bully thinks. I watched some children at a party. One of them, Emily, has been bullied (although the bully was not at the party). It was fascinating to observe her behaviour compared to the other children. At one point each child had a small tub of ice cream with it’s own little spoon. They all tucked in and were having a lively discussion. As they all peered over to see what one of the girls had done with her ice cream, Emily exclaimed ‘Someone’s taken my spoon!’ It was quite clear that no one had taken her spoon; she had just put it down somewhere and couldn’t see it. The problem here is that her first thought was that someone else had caused this problem. In other words had ‘done it to her’. This caused her to accuse the other surprised children. As it happened none of them reacted badly to her that time. I also noticed her not laughing when others were laughing, not joining in with the others in some of the activities and looking almost sullen at completely inappropriate moments.
Body Language Every now and then I saw her cowering. This was before I could see any threat at all. She was virtually manufacturing threats. She seemed to be viewing the world as a place full of people out to get her. And her body language showed that very clearly. Unfortunately this kind of body language seems to invite the very thing it is supposed to fend off; attack. I ran a workshop years ago for a group and one of them, Andrea, brought up a difficult problem with a neighbour. The woman sounded formidable. She would turn up, uninvited, to her house. Then she would come in – again, uninvited.
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When I asked Andrea to show me what she did when this woman turned up the whole problem was clear. The first thing she did was open the door and step backwards into her house. For many people that is an invitation to come in. She was actively (though unknowingly) encouraging the very thing she didn’t want. I advised her to step forwards instead and the problem was solved. If you suspect your body language may not be helping a very useful thing to do is have some Alexander Technique lessons. To find a teacher in the UK go to www.stat.org.uk There are many sites catering for most countries. Alexander Technique is all about how you use your body and helps you to develop a confident posture amongst other benefits. Another option is to learn a marshal art. Akido is my personal favourite, but most of them will help a great deal with posture.
Secrecy I worked with a woman, Eve, who was being bullied very badly at work. By chance the very person who had been bullying her, her manager, John, came on a course I was running. I invited the course participants to give examples of difficult situations they had to handle. John gave the example of my client. The trouble was that as he described her behaviour I could imagine getting pretty annoyed with it myself. He described it as secrecy She would never tell him things he needed to know. He would have to ‘drag it out of her to get any useful information at all. Of course from the other side the story was quite different. Eve said that John didn’t trust her. He always wanted to know every detail of what she was doing and was constantly checking up on her. She saw this as harassment. The truth was that they each encouraged the other in their particular behaviours so the whole situation escalated. This is quite a common scenario. It’s easy to avoid. Just make sure you keep people informed. Do it right from the start. Ask them what they need to know, how often they need to be updated and what form they would like the information in. Then stick to it.
Have you been doing anything she could perceive as a threat? We often do this without meaning to. When you are in a position of authority it is easy to behave in a way that may come across as aggressive. This can be seen as threatening by some. Ask a trusted observer to give you some feedback.
Key Tip
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You must enforce the rules. If you say no chocolate, you must mean it.
Be clear about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Bullies need to know what the rules are. They will keep pushing till they know.
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If your manager is bullying you This is a ghastly situation for anyone to have to deal with. So let’s look at what you can do about it.
First ask yourself the question ‘Why am I putting up with this?’ I met some women who worked as secretaries in a large company. I won’t name them, but let’s just say I have never drunk a pint of their beer since. They told me they were being bullied. They gave me examples. Colleagues who had been sacked for things like refusing to go out and buy a birthday presents for their boss’s wife. I investigated. The story was true. There were people from the HR department on the same workshop. I asked if the individuals in question had been to HR about these problems. I was told ‘We always support the manager.’ That was the policy. So I asked these women why they were still there. One of them spoke up. ‘My manager told me that I wasn’t’ good enough to get a job anywhere else.’ She said. In that case why did the company keep her on if she was that bad? It doesn’t add up, does it? Another woman I worked with was offered a huge redundancy payment (completely unrelated to the bullying, half her department were offered it). She also was offered another job in another company for more money the same week. She didn’t want to take it because ‘He would have won if I took it.’ What happens is you can get into a very negative way of thinking when you start to behave like a victim. You start to see opportunities as threats and you run your life by avoiding what you are scared of rather than doing your best to achieve what you want to achieve. You start to doubt your abilities, skill and value. It’s important to know that these things happen so you can be aware of it.
What are your responsibilities? You need to stand up for yourself. You need to make sure you are in control and not hand control over to him. I know this can seem difficult, but it does work. There is a whole series of suggestions on how to do this in the chapter: ‘What to do about being bullied’. The key is that most people have no idea they are bullying someone. You just need to change your behaviour and theirs will change. Here are a few personal examples.
Key Tip
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Dealing with bullying is about responsibility. It’s about taking responsibility for the situation and asking yourself – ‘What can I do about the situation?’ Usually that means taking the lead and dealing with the bully in a different way.
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Stand up to the bully When I was very junior and in my first job, my manger, who sometimes used bullying (without realising it I am sure) told me that I was going to be working for a new manager, Ian. The person he named had very poor management skills and no one had done well under him. My manger, although he had his faults, was a much better bet. I said didn’t want to work for the Ian. My manager said I may not have a choice. I said I did have a choice; I could always leave. He laughed at me. ‘Who would employ you?’ he chortled. I pointed out that I had a degree in physics and there was a major shortage of physics teachers. I could walk into a teaching job tomorrow. He looked stunned. He coughed a bit and left the room. A week later he said he had reconsidered his decision and, this time, I wouldn’t have to work for Ian. Most of the time you don’t have to do anything as frightening as that. But it’s useful to have in your armoury. My responsibility was to make it clear that I did not want to work for Ian and that working for Ian was where I drew the line. In most of the cases I’ve been involved in people have managed to make considerable improvements by changing their behaviour using the techniques in the chapter on what to do about being bullied. Go through the list in that chapter and have a go at the techniques. Often the simplest ones will work for you. Also check out what you may be doing to encourage things. Ask your colleagues for their observations. Check your thoughts – do you find yourself thinking ‘He does this to me’? If you do you have fallen into the trap. Your behaviour will be encouraging more bullying. Instead, work out what you can do. Take control.
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How to manage someone who is bullying others First, gather the facts Get these from the person who feels bullied and others who have witnessed incidents. Identify what has happened on particular occasions. Make notes. You will probably notice a pattern emerging. Be careful to focus on what actually happened; what people said and what they did.
Identify if the bully is able to behave reasonably Has he or she acted like this in the past? Has he ever made requests in a reasonable way, taking others’ needs and views into account? Finding out this information is essential in forming your plan to deal with the problem.
Listen to the bully Ask him or her about specific incidents. Find out what his/her perception is. Do your best just to listen and ask questions without being too judgemental. Often these people feel that no one listens to them. Summarise what the bully has said back to him or her to show you have listened. Ask him how he thinks others perceive his behaviour. You will probably discover he has no idea how offensive it is. He probably will not even realise he is doing it. One of the goals when coaching people who bully others is to check their awareness of their own behaviour and its effects on others. It is highly likely that your bully will have very little awareness in these areas.
Find out what his needs are Ask him what it is he needs to achieve. Help him to identify the real need, rather than the ‘want’. Not: ‘I want him to do the report on time the way I say it should be done.’ Instead: ‘I need the report to be done by Friday in the same format as the previous ones.’ You may find that the bully struggles with this. They often spend their time trying to get people to do what they want them to do, instead of being clear about their needs and discovering other people’s needs. Ask him how else he could deal with the situation. If you know he has behaved acceptably in other situations, you know he is capable of it.
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Needs of both parties Help him to focus on the needs of both parties and what needs to be achieved overall. Then he can work with the other person to meet the needs, instead of forcing the other person to do what he wants them to do.
Can he make requests reasonably? If there is no evidence of the bully making reasonable requests in the past, it is quite likely he will have no idea of how to behave differently. You will have to give him a way of doing it. For example, let’s imagine Fred is bullying Jane. You need to say to Fred: ‘Fred, when you need to ask Jane to do something for you, here is how I want you to say it: "Jane, the PVR report needs to be ready for Friday morning. Could you do it for me please? Thank you".’ Then check that Fred has understood by getting him to ask you to do something using the structure you have suggested to him. You will probably have to do this a number of times, using the situations that Fred is in and giving him examples. He may well think this approach is too soft, because he can’t understand it, or he thinks he is right and the other person is wrong. Your goal in this case is to ask questions that help Fred to understand the other person’s (in this case, Jane’s) perspective. E.g.: • ‘How do you think you come across to Jane when you speak to her in this way?’ • 'What do you know of Jane’s experience in this area?' • 'How keen do you think Jane will be to do this report for you compared to the work she has for other members of the department if you behave in this way towards her?' • ‘In this department we show respect for each other. How do you think you need to behave towards Jane in order to do that?’
Draw the boundaries Make it very clear that the previous behaviour is not acceptable. Explain what will happen if there are further examples of this behaviour. You may need to help the bully to understand what exactly was unacceptable about their behaviour. However, it’s best to place most emphasis on what you want the bully to do. Include in your description taking into account the needs of others. You may have to ask the bully a question like: • ‘How do you think you can take the needs of others into account in this situation?’ • ‘What do you think the needs of others in this department are?’ • ‘What do you think Andrew’s needs are?’
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Make them safe Help the bully to feel safe. This may be quite difficult. People bullying others often feel threatened and frightened. Tell the person that you are there to help him and ask what support you can give. Do your best to give positive feedback for any improvement what so ever. This is your fastest route to changing their behaviour.
Improve their negotiation skills Help the bully to learn more acceptable and effective negotiation techniques. Bullying is the bottom level of negotiation skills. People who only have this level available to them won’t be able to do anything else. You need to help them to learn some more advanced techniques. These need to involve ways of understanding and catering for the needs of others. Usually they won’t have much of a clue about how others feel when they are behaving aggressively towards them. They will probably think people should just be able to cope with it. This is what some of the bullies I have worked with have said. They are surprised when I have explained that this is not the case. If you are not sure how to go about this yourself (and it can be difficult) you may need to call in a specialist or at the very least ask the advice of your HR department. Make it clear to the individual that you are going to help them. When I have worked on these cases we have often seen really good results. The most surprising thing is that the so-called ‘bully’ finds the new ways of working much better and feels happier. I had lunch with one client who had been bullying others. He said to me ‘Nancy, why do I make things that are so easy, so difficult?’ This man made tremendous progress and is now encouraging others to improve their skills too. He has found huge benefits from learning new ways of dealing with others both at work and at home. He gets on better with his daughter and his work life is much easier.
Give them clear objectives If you are going to send the person on a negotiation course, or are helping them to improve their skills in any way, make sure you have agreed very clear objectives with them and review these at the appropriate time or check them when they get back from a course. Also, speaking as a person who runs these kinds of courses, it is a great help to any effective course tutor to know about this in advance. You will generally get much more for your money if the tutor knows what they are dealing with and what the objectives are. If you would like help with setting objectives, click this link to find out about our tips booklet 'How to write objectives that work' - containing 52 practical tips.
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To contact us about a course click here.
Never ignore it Don’t imagine this will just go away or get better on its own. It won’t. It will get worse and it will also cost you a lot. Click here to find out how much this is costing you and try out our Difficult Person Calculator.
Key Tip Booking courses/ training
!
Always phone the course tutor first and find out if the course will really help the person. If the training company can’t arrange that, find a company that can.
Do not allow your own behaviour to be lowered to the same level Make sure you retain the use of your cognitive abilities. Once you start to get cross with this person, your reasoning skills are drastically reduced. You need to help her to see other people’s perspectives, so set the example yourself. Once you start forcing her, or making her do anything, you are using bullying behaviour yourself. If you would like some help, click here to find out about our coaching services.
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Senior managers who bully lots of people In these situations you really need to get as many people as possible to start changing their behaviour towards the bully.
How do these people get into these positions? Often people who bully others get promoted. In my view this is completely wrong. They need to learn better behaviours before they are promoted, whatever their technical skills are. Often people just get frightened into promoting them, or don’t realise the problems they are about to cause.
What can you do? If you are an HR person, do your best to get the bully themselves some help. The probably won’t realise how much they are costing the organisation. To check out the cost go to this website and use our free difficult people calculator. I can guarantee that it’ll be worse than you think. Click here to find out how much this is costing you and try out our Difficult Person Calculator.
Key Tip
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Share this ebook with as many people as you can. The more people who change their behaviour and don’t let the bully get away with it, the more likely you are to see a change in the bully. Who else do you know that might benefit from reading this ebook?
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Tantrum Technique Here’s a way to deal with a person when they lose their temper. It’s a tantrum really. Just one in a grown up person. Follow the steps opposite – they work like a dream. This is a technique for dealing with someone who has lost his or her temper and is behaving badly, possibly shouting or raging. Keep repeating the Tantrum Technique till you get a reasonable response. It usually only takes a couple of rounds. One client saved himself £25,000 through using this so make sure you have it ready when necessary.
Why does the Tantrum Technique work? A primary need of a person throwing a tantrum is to be heard and listened to. They want some attention. By listening to them and summarising back what they have said, you have met their needs. They have usually not really worked out how to meet the need. Neither will they have thought about anyone else. Lastly, they will have been getting away with this behaviour because no one will have challenged it before. You are challenging it. You are showing them that, when they calm down, you are prepared to talk and you are actively helping them to calm down (a skill which they may find quite hard to learn).
Key Tip Temper Technique
!
1 Listen to what they say – do not interrupt (interrupting makes it worse).
2 Summarise what they have said, using their language and intonation. This will show that you have understood the urgency of the situation and their feelings. E.g. ‘You are very annoyed that the project is running late. This is giving you lots of problems and making your life very difficult. Is that right?’ 3 Pause and wait for them to either agree or disagree that you have correctly understood what they have said. 4 If they say ‘Yes‘, continue with the next step; otherwise go back to step one (1). 5 Ask them what they would like you to do. 6 Listen carefully. 7 Explain: • Exactly what you can do • What you can’t do • How long it will take • What the cost will be (if appropriate) 8 If they lose it again, just go back to step 1.
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The School Bully Bullying at school can be dreadful. Anyone who has experienced it will tell you that. Let’s look at what it is and how to deal with it from various different perspectives.
Nip it in the bud The first rule is to tackle it as early as possible. Why? Because it’s much easier. All UK schools are supposed to have a bullying policy. In my experience, this is not always the case, or the head teacher will tell you that ‘There is no bullying in this school’. That’s probably completely untrue. A few years ago, the head teacher at my own daughter’s school said exactly that when some parents complained about the bullying that was going on.
If you are a parent First, before anything at all happens I think children need to know what bullying is and why it is a bad way to behave. As a parent it is your responsibility to explain this to your children and help them to understand. Bullying happens when one person ignores the needs of another for their own personal gain. Often it is completely unintentional and the child doing the bullying has no idea how unpleasant and hurtful their behaviour is. It includes: • • • • •
Calling other children names Excluding someone from activities and games ‘Picking’ on someone or making fun of someone and sarcasm Telling lies about a person Accusing people of ‘telling tales’ (this is a way bullying is used to control groups in schools known more as peer pressure in adult groups) • Threatening others (‘I’ll get you…’ ‘My dad’s bigger than your dad…’) • Physical violence Once children are aware of what it is and that it is wrong, they need to know what to do about it from two perspectives. They need to make sure they aren’t doing it themselves and they need to know what to do if they see someone else doing it.
How does it happen? Bullying is the first negotiation skills we learn. As a young child you don’t have the skills to ask nicely for something you want. You just want it. Your parents tell you to say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’. As a young child of three or four you have no idea why, but if your parents enforce the ‘please and thank you’ code strictly, you soon learn you need to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ in order to get what you want. Young children just see something and want it. They use any means they can to get it, and have no thoughts of the consequences, for themselves or anyone else. That’s bullying.
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However, at a young age, that’s all you have the skills to do. As you get older your brain develops enough for you to learn some more adult ways of behaving. You now have the ability to learn how to negotiate in order to meet your needs. The trouble is that if you never see anyone else doing it, or if you are allowed to continue with your bullying style of negotiation, that’s what often happens. You just never learn. I asked a friend to observe for me what was happening at one school in a case where a girl was being bullied by another girl in the same class. My friend reported that she had seen examples of bullying taking place while teachers just stood by. What’s the message a child gets when this happens? Well, the child doing the bullying never knows it’s wrong and the child experiencing it gets the message that no one cares. She loses trust in the teachers. Why do the teachers do this? It may be that they don’t notice (although in this case I know they had been told) or that they just don’t know what to do, or that they don’t realise how upsetting it is for the child experiencing it. Let’s look at what you can do from various different perspectives: • • • • •
The child experiencing bullying The parent of that child The parent of the child doing the bullying The teacher The head teacher
The child experiencing the bullying Find out if there is a bullying policy at your school. Find out what it is and ask the teachers what you are supposed to do and what they are supposed to do about it. When you tell your teachers, be careful to just tell them what happened. So, for example: • ‘She called me names from across the play ground.’ Or • ‘He tore up my homework.’ They key to dealing with these situations is to realise that they person doing this bullying is behaving childishly, probably more childishly than you are. Some of the things I’m going to suggest may be quite hard to do, but they do work, so give them a go. First, I know this can be very hurtful, but you must not show that you are upset if at all possible. Do your best to keep smiling. Think of something or someone you like. That often helps.
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People only tease and bully people who get upset, so it’s important to remain smiling. If you do this right from the start, it’s much less likely that you will find someone behaving in a bullying way towards you. Second, think about the way you stand and walk. Do you hold your head up and stand up straight? When I have worked with people who are in this situation I have noticed that they tend to cower, rather than stand up straight. It’s as though they are expecting someone to hit them. The trouble is that this actually encourages bullying behaviour from others. One girl I worked with, Samantha, who was being bullied had a brown belt in Karate. We role-played the situation she described, where the other girl, Angela, would call out things from across the playground. When we did this (with me playing Angela) I noticed that Samantha hung her head, and hunched in her shoulders. I asked her what her Karate teacher would say if she behaved like that in her lessons. She told me he would not be pleased. I asked her to show me how she was supposed to stand in those lessons. As soon as she did, she looked much more confident – and much less like someone who thought of themselves as a victim. The next thing we did was look at what she did when I (still playing Angela) took a step towards her. She immediately stepped backwards. In body language this is like saying ‘Please step towards me.’ So that’s what I did. She stepped back again. The key here is for you to step forwards, not backwards. To your astonishment, you will find the other person steps back. Then all you do is just smile and say something in cheery tones like ‘See ya.’ And leave. By doing this you will have broken the normal pattern of events. By changing your behaviour, you will change the behaviour of the other person.
Learn Karate or some other marshal art I’m not suggesting for a moment that you develop your hands into lethal weapons and start creating mayhem. What I am suggesting is that you learn to stand and walk in a way that is confident and encourages others to treat you with respect.
Name-calling How should you respond to this? Well, you just have to laugh it off. Never start responding with other names, you will just make the problem worse. People only do this because you get upset when they do. So you have to ignore it or just laugh. I was once called ‘Tennis Raquet’ by a bully at my school. My surname is Slessenger so I expect you can work out why he did it. Anyway, he was sat on the wall by the path along with his friends (who looked a bit like Crabbe and Goyle from Harry Potter) and called out ‘Oy, Tennis racket’ as I walked past.
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I decided not to get upset, so I just looked him straight in the eye and said: ‘What do you mean?’ He was a bit surprised at this and replied: ‘Well, your name, it sounds like Slazenger, the tennis racket people.’ ‘Oh yes' I responded. ‘So it does. I’d never thought of that.’ Crabb and Doyle were sniggering by new. ‘If my name was Slazenger, I’d probably be rich and wouldn’t even have to go to school. That would be really great.’ I continued. ‘Yes.’ He replied, clearly very confused. ‘Thanks. See ya.’ I finished and walked on with my friends, giving him a cheery wave. His friends had collapsed with laughter by now, and he looked a bit red in the face.
Key Tip
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Bullies are not happy people, they are trying to get attention and make themselves popular. They need attention, just like small children. If you give it to them in a way that suits you, then, very often, you can change things drastically.
Whenever I saw him after that I would always give him a cheerful wave and say ‘Hello.’ He never bothered me again. I’m not suggesting you can solve all your problems like this, but the approach does work.
Being excluded from groups of friends Another horrible experience. The situation here is that your friends are probably only siding with the ‘bully’ because they are frightened themselves of what will happen if they don’t. They probably still like you. It’s very unlikely that you are the only person in this situation so find some new friends in the mean time. The more friends you have the less likely you’ll end up in this situation again. How do you find new friends? You wander round and talk to others who are on their own. Just talk about anything you can to start with. Ask them if they’ve seen some film, or something on TV. Comment on the weather or on some dreadful teacher at your school. Find something you have in common with them. Often in these situations you just need to wait it out. I know it can seem like a very long time, but it will end. Do your best to get some friends out of school as well. Join some clubs or classes. If you have a chance, talk to your old friends when they are on their own or away from the person doing the bullying. Never talk about people ‘taking away’ your friends or ‘steeling’ them. People are not possessions. They make their own decisions. They probably feel really bad about the way they have treated you but are too frightened to say anything.
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Being picked on This is very similar to being excluded by a group of people. If at all possible, you need to ignore this or laugh at it. If you are able to laugh at the beginning, it probably won’t develop into something awful. People often ‘tease’ others thinking it’s a bit of fun. If the other person laughs and takes it in good humour, it usually stops quite quickly. If they don’t it tends to carry on. Amazingly many people don’t intend to hurt others when they do this. When I was at school, a group of friends and I used to tease another friend mercilessly about his accent. You may be surprised to learn that he was the most well-liked and popular of all our friends. He would always laugh when we did this. We didn’t actually mean any harm, he was the person we all liked the most. He was eventually elected head boy. Teasing only turns into something nasty if you react to it by getting upset. That’s because, by responding like that you are telling the others they have power over you. Just laughing or answering with ‘Whatever…’ will often stop it. A way to make this easier is to practice your answer or way of responding. Get your parents or a friend to help you till you can answer without feeling upset. This really does work.
Lies When someone tells lies about what you have done or about you, you need to let others know the truth. Usually this means your teachers or parents. It’s very difficult for teachers of parents to know what the truth is in these situations, so don’t expect them to automatically know you are right. Do your best to tell them in a calm way. For example if someone has stolen something and put it in your bag to make it look like you have stolen it, go immediately to a teacher and say: ‘I have found this in my bag. I don’t know how it got there. It was just there when I went to get my exercise book.’
Telling Tales I am always surprised that people find it so hard to realise that bullies use this as a way of controlling others. If you knew someone in your family had murdered someone else, should you go to the police and tell them? Yes. It’s just the same at school. If someone has done something bad and there is no way you can deal with it yourself, then you should go to the teacher and tell them. Otherwise the problem will not get sorted out. It may be that you want to tell your parents first or ask them to see the teacher. Sometimes that is easier. Make sure you tell people the truth and be as clear as you can about what happened.
People threatening you This is a case where you really do need to tell someone; your teacher, your parents or someone you can trust. If it’s really serious then you might want to talk to the police. Often there is nothing behind the threats because that’s often how bullies work, but it’s as well to let someone know.
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Again, you might want to learn some form of marshal arts or at least self-defence so that you feel more confident and are more able to defend yourself.
Physical violence You must tell someone about this. Your parents, teachers or someone you trust. Do it as soon as anything happens. Do not wait for things to get bad.
People steeling your belongings Make sure you know exactly what happened and report it to your parents and your teachers. Do not bring valuables into school if you can help it.
Parents of children being bullied Look through the section for children who are being bullied and see how you can help your child to deal with the situation more effectively. There are some key things you can do: You can help your child to practice dealing with many of the situations I described. One way you can do it is by role-playing with them till they feel confident. When you do this role-playing, make sure that your child gets to play both parts. Let them have a go at playing the bully and themselves with you playing the other role each time. This can be very helpful because they can then see how effective some of the strategies for dealing with this behaviour are for themselves (from the perspective of the bully).
Key Tip
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All children need to know what bullying is. If you can explain that to your children before anything happens, that’s very useful. Tell them what it is and what they need to do if they should ever see anyone being bullied, or if it happens to them. This way, if it does happen, you can deal with it before it gets really bad.
You could also encourage your child to take up a marshal arts course, perhaps go with him or her and learn together.
Body Language Observe your child’s posture. Does he look like he is cowering? Does she move like a frightened rabbit? Help her to stand and look confident. Help him to walk confidently and smile. Help your child to take deep breaths when they feel tense, nervous or worried. It sounds simple, but it really helps. Here’s a simple way to practice: Breathe in to the count of two, out to the count of three, in to the count of three and out to the count of four. Then breathe in to the count of four and out to the count of five. Keep going and see how far you can get. See who can get to the highest number. Encourage your child to do this instead of paying attention to being teased.
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Tackling the school If the bullying is happening at school, you need to talk to someone there. First find out from your son or daughter what has happened and do your best to get the facts. It’s all too easy to go blazing in to the school and get really angry. That won’t help. Do your best to act as reasonably as possible. It may well be that people at the school could have done better, but shouting and threatening them won’t help and anyway; it’s bullying. The best thing to do is to stick to the facts and ask them what they plan to do about it. Also ask what you can do to help. At the school you need to find out what the bullying policy is. Here are some other questions to ask: • • • • • • • •
What is the procedure in this situation? What is the school definition of bullying? What training have members of staff had in dealing with bullying? What does the school do to tackle bullying both in general and in specific cases? What does the school do to help the children who bully others to change their behaviour? Who should children tell when there are problems? How quickly does the school take action? Which member of staff is responsible for dealing with bullying?
Arrange to have a review meeting with whoever is responsible. Make sure it’s soon enough. Be sure to find out what your child should do in the mean time.
If you have been accused of bullying Quite often people don’t realise they have been treating others badly. They don’t usually do it on purpose. People often bully others because they don’t know another way to behave, or because they can’t resist behaving like that. If you have been: • • • • •
Calling other children names Excluding someone from activities and games ‘Picking’ on someone or making fun of someone or being sarcastic Telling lies about a person Accusing people of ‘telling tales’ (this is a way bullying is used to control groups in schools known more as peer pressure in adult groups) • Threatening others (‘I’ll get you…’ ‘My dad’s bigger than your dad…’) • Using physical violence Then you have probably been bullying Read the chapter ‘Am I a bully?’ and do your best to improve your behaviour. Get your parents to help you.
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If your child has been accused of bullying It’s awful to be told your child is a bully. How could she be? She’s so well behaved. Bear in mind you may not be seeing everything your child does and that your views may be slightly coloured. Quite often people don’t realise they have been treating others badly. They don’t usually do it on purpose. People often bully others because they don’t know another way to behave, or because they can’t resist behaving like that. I had lunch with a group including a tiny Japanese woman. We were discussing bullying. She cheerfully announced that she used to be a bully at school. We were all astonished. I asked what she had done. She told us that she used to chase after the boys and hit them. We stared in amazement. I asked her why she had done it. ‘Because I thought they should be able to cope with It.’ she replied. I was astonished. This was, word for word, the same reply I had got from a senior manager when I asked him the same question. He also felt people should be able to cope. This is a belief you need to question. A good way to do that is find some situation you know your child would not be able to cope with and ask them if they think everyone should have to cope with that too.
If your child has been: • • • • • • •
Calling other children names Excluding someone from activities and games ‘Picking’ on someone, making fun of someone or being sarcastic Telling lies about a person Accusing people of ‘telling tales’ Threatening others (‘I’ll get you…’ ‘My dad’s bigger than your dad…’) Hitting, punching, biting and any other physical violence
Then they have been bullying someone. They may have thought it was fun, but it probably wasn’t for the other person. Bullying is a childish way to behave and can end up causing all kinds of problems. So your child needs to learn some other ways of behaving. Often people bully others because they want something or are unhappy. It may be they want attention. The key is to find other ways of meeting their needs.
Find out what happened As a parent the first thing to do is to find out what happened. A friend of mine told me how her son, Jeremy, had been told off for swearing. When she investigated he naturally blamed the boy he had been playing with saying that the boy had called him names. My friend wasn’t taken in that easily and asked Jeremy what he had been doing to make the other boy call him names. It turned out that he had been cheating. She then helped him to
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realise that he was responsible for the whole situation. Jeremy was not allowed to watch TV for the rest of the week. Jeremy’s mother made it clear to him that: • Cheating was wrong • Swearing was unacceptable • Lying about what had happened was wrong. If he wanted to watch TV he had to: • Speak politely • Play fair in games • Tell the truth. When we talked about it she told me that he gets quite upset sometimes when he is playing games and hates losing. This is a common problem. He needs to learn how to calm down, that will help him to behave more appropriately. She can help him to do this by getting him to take deep breaths when he feels angry and making it clear that he can only play games if he is prepared to make an effort to keep calm.
Get to the bottom of it Make sure than when you ask what happened you really dig out the truth. You also need to be clear that telling the truth is very important. You might find it useful to find out what happened from any other children you know who might have witnessed the incidents.
Set clear boundaries and rules The next thing is to make it clear that bullying is wrong. There is no need to shout or get angry. Make it clear that you still love your child and will help them to find some better ways to deal with these situations.
Help them to understand the other person Once you have done this, help your child to understand how the other child might be feeling. This is very important. Bullying only happens when people are ignoring the needs of others. Very often when they realise what they have done, they feel bad about it.
Discover the needs Find out what they really need (to be liked, to have friends, to be admired, to be popular…) and then help them to find other ways to achieve these things. Have you seen the film Groundhog Day? If not, it’s worth watching. It shows how a disagreeable man can’t get what he needs by being unpleasant and has to learn to improve his behaviour and become a better person in order to meet his needs.
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Repair the situation Personally I think it’s a good idea to apologise for poor behaviour. You might like to go through with your child how to do that. Here is a suggestion: • I am very sorry I (called you names, hat you, stole your money…. whatever they did) • I realise it was wrong and I wont’ do it again. What can I do to make up for what I have done?
See the teachers Do your best to have a chat with the teachers and find out from their perspective what has been going on, Explain what you are doing to improve things and ask for their help and feedback. Arrange to meet with them in a few weeks’ time to review matters. Tell your child you are doing this.
The other parents You may want to talk to the parent of the other child. This will send out useful signals to your child that the way to resolve these matters is to talk to people in a grown-up fashion, not ignore them or sulk. It may be appropriate to apologise. It’s usually a good idea. You need to get the help of these people. Ask to talk with them in a few weeks to see how things are going. Also ask them to let you know if there are any further problems.
If you are a teacher or head teacher No one likes to think that bullying goes on in their school, but there is hardly a school anywhere that does not have some bullying at some time. It’s hard for teachers always to know what is going on in their class and to spot any bullying that is happening. However, you need to ask yourself these questions: • • • • • •
Have I made it clear to my students what my position on bullying is? Am I sure that any child in my class knows what to do if they feel they are being bullied? Do I know what to do if I get a complaint from a child about bullying? Have I given a clear definition of what bullying is? Do I have easily understandable standards of behaviour in my classroom? Do I lead by example? (In other words do I stand by when I see bullying going on or do I tackle it? Do I treat all the children in my class with respect?) • Does every student know what their responsibilities are towards other students? • How do we teach our student better ways of behaving? • Do we act as role models? Here are some key things to do; based on what one Head Teacher did to drastically reduce bullying in his school. How did he know he’d reduced it? Let me tell you.
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I was a governor of the school. We had major bullying problems and, when the old head retired we recruited a new head. One of the first things he did was to send round an anonymous questionnaire to every child in the school asking if they were being bullied or if they knew someone who was. Almost 100% answered ‘yes’. A year later, answering the same questionnaire, hardly anyone answered ‘yes’. The problem was down to 1 or 2%.
Teachers and Head Teachers Reducing bullying in your school How did he do this? I was so impressed I asked him to explain it to me in detail. He told me it was really very simple. He stood up in front of the whole school and explained his views on bullying (see the questions to ask yourself above). He told them the results of the survey and that he knew a lot of bullying was going on. He told them it was completely unacceptable. He also told them exactly what to do if they were being bullied or knew someone who was. They were to tell their teacher or him and he would deal with the matter personally. He said he would see every child who was bullying himself. And he did. When he saw the student he sat them down and found out what had happened. He helped them to understand how damaging their behaviour was to the other student by thinking about it from the perspective of the other person. He then told them that, if they never did it again, that would be the last they heard of it. However, if it did happen again, they would be suspended immediately. And that is exactly what he did. Of course you also need to help the child who was being bullied. They often need to learn some new behaviours themselves, or at least become aware of what they might be doing to encourage bullying. I’ll be honest; this man (opposite) had tremendous skill in dealing with the most difficult of pupils. But whenever you really dug down into what he was doing it was always very straightforward. He was always honest. He never pussyfooted around or fudged things.
Key Tip How one head teacher stopped bullying:
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1 He made his views crystal clear 2 He set clear ground rules 3 He gave everyone a procedure to follow if they were being bullied 4 He listened to people
The previous head teacher was very nice to everyone and hardly ever tackled problems. That’s why the school was in such a state when the new head teacher took over.
5 He stuck to those rules
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I know teachers get blamed for everything these days. And have ten times more paperwork to do now than they did a few years back. That makes life very difficult. I know that when these problems are tackled effectively your life can get a lot easier and children learn more when they are relaxed and happy in your school, and not being bullied. Setting the ground rules at the beginning can save lots of time and trouble. Once you have shown that you really do stick to them, most people will fall in line.
Understanding Misunderstandings is my best selling book - discover the easy way to deal with all kinds of difficult people, check out this website for details and download a chapter: http://www.difficultpeople.co.uk To find out more about where and when I’m speaking go to: http://www.nancyslessenger.co.uk
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Am I a bully? A delegate asked me this on a workshop I was running. She was concerned that some of her behaviour with a particular colleague could be bullying. What gave her that idea? Well, she found this colleague very frustrating.
Key Tip
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The truth is, no one is a bully. But lots of people bully others and use behaviour that is bullying behaviour.
As she described the situation others round the room started to nod. They knew who she was talking about. It’s always good to see that someone is concerned about the effects of their behaviour on others and has the awareness to recognise their own behaviour. This means you are in the position to do something about it.
How to tell if you are bullying others Here’s a list of areas to check if you are in any doubt. I’ve also given you a way to remedy the situation too under each one.
Check your feelings Are you feeling angry or frustrated? If you are then it’s more difficult to behave reasonably towards others. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible, just that it’s more difficult. You need to change the way you are feeling, OK, so this is more easily said than done. The key is to relax and think about what your needs are rather than all those negative thoughts you are having about the other person.
Ask yourself what it is you need to achieve Make sure this is not phrased; ‘I need Simon to pull his finger out.’ That’s not a need; it’s a want. You are thinking about what you want Simon to do, rather than what you need to achieve. ‘The client needs this by Friday.’ Could be a need. Once you have identified the need, then you can have a proper negotiation with Simon and work out different ways of achieving your need. You do that like this: Simon, Briggs & Co need this order by Friday. How can we achieve that?
What are the needs of the other person? If you don’t know, then the chances are you have been bullying. Bullying happens when we ignore or are completely unaware of the needs of others. It’s not that we usually deliberately set out to ignore the needs of our friends, relatives and colleagues. It’s more that we don’t even think about them in the first place. Why is this? Well, when we are under pressure and stressed we tend to focus on ourselves. We think that we are hard done by. We focus on our own problems. There’s no room left for thinking of others.
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Do you have children? Do you know any young children? Do you remember what it was like being four? Imagine this. A young child sees a chocolate biscuit. He loves chocolate. Does the boy think to himself ‘I know my daddy really likes chocolate biscuits, perhaps he would be upset if I ate that one. Perhaps I should offer it to him.’? No, the needs of his father are nowhere in his mind. He just wants the biscuit. So the boy is not deliberately ignoring his father’s needs. And that’s what often happens with people who are bullying others. They are behaving like young children. I feel sure you would not call this behaviour mature. It’s childish. Find out what the needs of the other person are. You can do this by asking. If we take the last conversation: ‘Simon, Briggs & Co need this order by Friday. How can we achieve that?’ You can easily add in another question here: ‘What do you need to get done by Friday?’ or ‘What have you already committed to?’
Key Tip A true negotiation happens when all sides find a way to meet the needs of all parties.
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Then you can start a more even-handed negotiation going.
Have you been stating your opinions as though they were facts? For example: ‘This project is under-funded.’ Or ‘He is lazy.’ If you think these are facts, look again. Let’s take the first example. The facts could be that the original project budget was £30,000 and £50,000 has been spent. Saying the project is underfunded is an interpretation of the facts. Another interpretation could be that you have not worked hard enough. Taking the second example, how do you know someone is lazy? What you may know is that they have not completed a specific task, or that they have taken longer to complete it than someone else has. There could be many reasons for this. I was told by one client that Jim, one of his staff was ‘lazy’ and ‘untrustworthy’. I met Jim. He looked worried and had hunched shoulders. I sat down with Jim to find out what was going on. When I investigated in depth the reasons for this mistaken impression became clear. Jim’s manager, Tony, used to do the same job as Jim, but ten years earlier. Since Tony had been promoted, there had been many changes. The job had become much more complicated. There were countless new safety and legal procedures that had to be followed. All of these took extra time. Where as before, when Tony did the job you could simply unpack a box of supplies and put the jars in the cupboard, now you had to label each one individually with the date and sign it.
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I asked Jim to document where all his time went over the next two weeks. When I saw him again he showed me his carefully worked out time sheet. He had allocated one hour to changing a light bulb. I was surprised, but decided to ask for details. This particular bulb resided in the bowels of a huge machine. First he had to unlock the machine. The keys were kept in a safe in another part of the building. Then metal plates had to be carefully removed. The bulb could not be touched with bare hands so you had to get some special gloves. The new bulbs were so expensive they were kept in another safe on the other side of the site – ten minutes walk away. I checked all this with one of Jim’s colleagues. He told me that it used to take him two hours. The real problem was the way Jim described what he did. He had described this complicated task as changing a light bulb – which it was. But there was a great deal more to it than that. Unfortunately his description made it easy for his manager to jump to the conclusion that he was lazy. However, it would have been a good idea to check the facts before jumping to that conclusion. That’s what I mean by the difference between facts and opinions. Bullying behaviour often involves not being able to tell the difference.
How to talk about facts The real problem here is that most people don’t realise they are doing it. So here’s a way for you to check. When you describe what you think are the ‘facts’, do you identify measurables like time, cost and size? Do you describe what a person did? Or do you talk about what people are like? Facts
Opinions
The equipment cost £48.50
The equipment was expensive
He completed the job in four days
He is lazy
She said ‘I must have it by Friday’
She was aggressive
He speaks quietly. When asked for a decision he usually takes two or three days to deliver it
He is indecisive
Pay attention to what you are doing, especially when you are talking about people whose performance or behaviour you are not happy with. This is when you are most likely to resort to opinions. Many people find it difficult to describe behaviours in factual ways. I know because I spend hours helping them to do it when I am working with clients. I often get called in to work with an employee and am given all kinds of opinions about him or her. Here are some examples: • • • •
She’s shy He’s insecure He’s aggressive She lacks confidence
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When people give me these opinions they often feel they are stating facts. I ask them for specific examples to illustrate what they are saying. That’s what you need to do. Give clear examples. We use these descriptions because they are quick and easy and we think everyone knows what we mean. The trouble is people each have their own idea of what all these things mean. One person’s shy is another person’s strong silent type. Make sure you are giving clear descriptions of what a person did and clear measures, not personal opinions.
Are you shouting? Very often this is a clue that you are bullying someone. What is worse is that we often don’t realise that we are shouting. On one course I ran a delegate told me of someone who had behaved very badly (in her view – an opinion). I asked her what had happened. June explained the situation. She had been working in the same room as Mary, her colleague, and noticed that Mary had not switched off a piece of equipment, which she felt, was a safety hazard. ‘So I said to her; You should switch that off you idiot. Don’t you realise it’s a safety hazard?’ June bellowed at us from her seat in the room. I asked her how loudly she had spoken to Mary. ‘Oh, just quietly, you know, a normal speaking voice.’ She told us. People in the room laughed. They found it hard to believe June given how loudly she had just been shouting. One of the other delegates pointed out to June that she had been shouting. June shouted back that she didn’t believe her. It was quite astonishing, but this happens more often than you would think. When you are angry, you don’t realise you are shouting. If you think you may be shouting, here are some suggestions.
Key Tip
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First of all, apologise. Most people will really appreciate that.
Structure for giving feedback
You need to find a way to calm down. It’s much easier to speak quietly when you feel calm. Sometimes a way to do this is to express your feelings openly, for example: ‘When you forgot to circulate that report, I felt really angry because I had worked very hard to make sure it was on time and now it’s going to be late anyway.’
1 When you (followed by whatever they did that seems to be the cause of the problem) 2 I felt (your true feelings – not I felt you were wrong) 3 Because (your reasons)
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Another way to calm yourself is to take some deep breaths. When you are tense, you hold your breath. Just doing that makes you feel more tense. So take some long slow breaths. If you are able to do diaphragm breathing, all the better. If not, don’t worry, just breath in to the count of four, out to the count of five, in to the count of five, out to the count of six and so on till you get to about 15 or 20. And another one. Yes, your granny was right when she said count to ten too. That will give you a chance to cool down. Do you find yourself losing your temper often? If so you may be seriously stressed. If that’s the case, it would be worth looking at your life style in general, but particularly at the amount of exercise you get. It’s ghastly to admit but exercise is good for you and it really does reduce stress. I mean that serious aerobic stuff. I hate it, but I do it three or four times a week even so. Once you have found a way to calm yourself down, it’s a good idea to ask people to give you some feedback on your volume so that you can find out if you are shouting less, because you probably won’t notice.
Are you blaming the other person? This is a key indicator. And it’s a very dangerous thing to do. One manager I heard about addressed his entire department and told them; ‘these are the people I’m going to blame if we don’t achieve these objectives.’ You have probably heard companies claiming to have a ‘no blame culture’. I recommend a ‘responsibility culture’ where people actively take responsibility for their actions. When everyone does that, it’s much easier to get things done and behave in a positive and helpful way. So check with yourself. Are you blaming someone else for the problems that have occurred?
Seminars - Workshops - Teleclasses To discover how other services Vinehouse offer can benefit you and others - click here “Nancy really knows her subject. This comes through not only when she discusses theory but in the way she works directly with delegates on their “problem people” by providing truly insightful stories of how her techniques have worked in the ‘real world’” - Debbie Jenkins Vinehouse run regular masterclasses, teleclasses and large scale seminars all designed to improve your ability to deal with difficult people and bullying - to discover more about my other work - click here
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If you are, here’s what to do Ask yourself what your responsibilities are. Have a discussion with the other person and ask them what they think their responsibilities are. In fact I suggest you do this at the start of any interaction where there is the slightest chance of problems. When I run training courses I ask people right at the beginning what they think their responsibilities are, and what they think mine are. We usually come up with things like: Delegates
Trainer
Listen
Listen to the delegates
Take part
Meet their needs
Have clear objectives
Help them to achieve their objectives
State your needs clearly Ask questions if you don’t understand Let the trainer know if you don’t understand
When the delegates don’t understand something, find a way to make it easy for them to understand
Give clear feedback
Keep to time
This seems to make life a lot easier.
Are you using lots of sarcasm? Some people say it’s the lowest form of wit. I don’t agree. I really enjoy it but I have found over the years that I am in the minority. Most people don’t like it and find it offensive. I have often heard people that I have worked with who use this weapon say ‘They should be able to cope with it.’ Or ‘They should be able to handle it.’ If you find yourself thinking that phrase ‘They should….’ Check you aren’t bullying someone.
Key Tip
!
Sarcasm is often a way of making yourself look good at the expense of someone else. Those of us who like it imagine that everyone can do it – that’s not the case.
You wouldn’t expect a champion fencing expert to rush to your workplace unannounced, brandish their sword at you, shout ‘On Guard!’ and proceed to slice you to ribbons, would you? You might feel this was a trifle unfair as you bled all over the carpet. That’s how it feels for your victim. Why is it bullying? Because it’s ignoring someone else’s needs. In fact it’s trampling all over them. It creates an environment of fear and cynicism. This is not healthy and is extremely unhelpful. So just stop using it. Try being nice for a change.
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For further help Understanding Misunderstandings, Paperback £14.99 Discover the easy way to deal with all kinds of difficult people. http://www.difficultpeople.co.uk Difficult People Made Easy, Tips booklet £3.87 The booklet to keep with you for easy reference when ever you run into someone who is causing your problems. http://www.mytipsbooks.com/ How to Write Objectives that Work, Tips booklet £3.87 This booklet makes writing clear objectives easy and is full of examples you can alter for your own use as well as the steps to take to write clear objectives. http://www.mytipsbooks.com/ To find out more about where and when Nancy is speaking go to http://www.nancyslessenger.co.uk To find out more about Vine House essential Ltd go to http://www.vinehouse.co.uk To write to Nancy or contact Vinehouse, write to: t: 07071 224569 f: 07071 335845 e:
[email protected]
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