How Stressed Out Is Your Kid? Cathi Cohen, LCSW, CGP
In Step PC 8320 Professional Hill Dr. Fairfax, VA 22031 (703)876-‐8480 or (703)433-‐5771
[email protected] www.insteppc.com
What is stress? •
Stress is the bodies’ way of preparing us for tough challenges ahead
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Everything we do causes stress! Being human is stressful!!
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Everyone manages stress differently. What’s stressful for you may be quite different from what stresses your best friend.
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Stressors can be internal or external •
Internal – falling in love, illness, hunger, making a mistake
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External – divorce, loss of a job, promotion
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Our “fight or flight” instincts fail to turn off
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Stress usually comes from multiple sources and has a cumulative effect. “The beaker is full”.
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Stress may LEAD TO more serious conditions like:
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High blood pressure
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Auto-‐immune disorders
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Anxiety and depression
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Triggering of substance abuse including overeating
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Sexual issues
True or False?
Stress Truths True -‐ Girls Experience Stress Differently Than Boys Hankin looked at 538 8th to 10th grade students. He used a diary method to track worst events of teens’ days. a. Girls reported more interpersonal stressors (peer, romantic, family). b. Boys report more achievement stressors (academic or athletic). c. Girls responded more often with depression. d. Boys responded more often with distracting themselves. e. Equal for both regarding alcohol use. SOURCES: Benjamin L. Hankin, PhD, assistant professor of psychology, University of South Carolina, Columbia. Hankin, B. Child Development, January-‐February 2007, vol. 78. Karen D. Rudolph, PhD, associate professor of psychology, University of Illinois at Urbana-‐Champaign.
True – Some children and adults are more vulnerable to stress a. Personality types and temperaments play a big role in the development of stress-‐ related illnesses and issues. “Type A” personalities and “sensitive temperaments” b. Family histories of mental illness including anxiety and depression c. Past trauma d. Children model their parents’ stress management skills
Your Stress is Their Stress Common Stressors for Adults Death of a loved one
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A family member with health issues
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Financial issues
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Marital conflict
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Separation/Divorce
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A move to a new home
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A new baby
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Work problems or change in work status
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A promotion
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Outstanding personal achievement
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Loss of job
Social conflict or isolation
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Taking care of aging parents
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Internal expectations
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Over scheduling
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Vacation
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Child leaving home
Holmes-‐Rahe Social Readjustment Scale – a scale developed in 1967 to determine whether stressful events might lead to medical illness. Holmes TH, Rahe RH (1967). "The Social Readjustment Rating Scale". J Psychosom Res 11 (2): 213–8
What Stresses Your Child Out? Common Stressors for Children Academic pressures
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Parental expectations
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Romantic relationship (or lack thereof)
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Peers-‐ friends and enemies
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Death of a parent
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Separation/ Divorce
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Illness or accident
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Peer pressures and conflicts
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Over scheduling
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Break-‐up
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Internal pressures and expectations
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Increased family conflicts
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Change in parents’ financial circumstances
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Not making an extra-‐curricular activity
How do you know when YOU are stressed? Check In With Your Body
Are you feeling more aches and pains?
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Is your stomach frequently upset?
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Are you having constant headaches?
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How about backaches?
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Are you tired a lot?
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Do you have any breathing issues
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Check In With Your Feelings and Emotions
Sad?
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Cranky?
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Frustrated?
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Tense?
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Worried?
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Moody?
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Check in on Your Behavior
Are you snapping a lot?
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Are you sleeping more (or less)?
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How is your relationship to food?
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Too much alcohol?
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Are you frequently tearful?
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Are you flying off the handle more often?
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Are you withdrawing?
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Are you arguing with others a lot?
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Are you becoming more forgetful?
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Do you have more trouble concentrating?
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The areas you checked are YOUR warning signs of stress. These signals tell you it’s time to use your stress management strategies.
Personality or Stress 1. How out of the ordinary are the signs of stress for your child? 2. How long has your child struggled with these signs of stress? 3. How intense are the symptoms? 4. How developmentally appropriate are the signs? 5. How many signs of stress am I seeing?
Create Peace Have family dinners as often as possible • • • •
Report lower level of stress More likely to share personal info with family members Better grades Less substance abuse
SOURCES: The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University: "The Importance of Family Dinners. WebMD Medical News: "Eat as a Family, Lose Weight." News release, The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University.
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Stick to routines as much as possible
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Maintain one-‐on-‐one time with each of your children
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Breathe (Slowly)
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Remind yourself constantly of what is going right
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Get up 15 minutes earlier in the morning
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Prepare for the morning the evening before
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Stick to consistent routines
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Write down everything
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Avoid procrastination
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Allow extra time to get to appointments
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When all else fails, lower your expectations
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Start counting problems at 100
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Just say “NO” – avoid over scheduling at all costs
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Know the difference between needs and preferences
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Hang out with no worriers
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Stretch and exercise your body every day
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Get enough sleep
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Keep a journal next to your bed
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Avoid negative attitudes and thought patterns
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Remove the words “should” ,“always” , and “never” from your vocabulary
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Bask in imperfection
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Remember that multi-‐tasking is dangerous and over-‐rated
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Count to 10 before saying anything you are going to regret
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Stay “in the moment”
Parent Traps – “the four O’s”
O verinvestment O verprotection O verindulgence O verstimulation
Stress Busters for Teens
E.G.N.O.G. Beef up your child’s problem solving abilities by teaching “How” not “What” to think
E mpathize (“This feels bad”.) •
Teach your child that he/she can feel more than one feeling at a time.
G et into neutral (“I can handle this”.) • • • •
Listen without judgment. Never say never. Shoot for sometimes. Calmly let your child know you are there to help. If you feel you are going to lose it, give warning and don’t take it on.
N arrow (“What is upsetting you the most?”) • • • •
Encourage your child to think it through i.e. “Help me understand”. Counter all or nothing thinking by separating out feeling from reality. “Specifize” vs. “Supersize”. Choose a name for your child’s negative brain i.e. “Mr. Critical”.
O ptimize (“What part of this can you fix?”) • •
Elicit multiple solutions to problems. Remind yourself (and your child) that there are multiple reasons that people do the things they do.
G et Moving (“What can you do the next time?)
Helpful EGNOG Words
Empathize • • •
“That’s hard”. “This feels bad”. “I’m sorry you are feeling sad”.
Get Neutral • • •
“Everything is going to be OK”. “I can handle this”. “Stay calm”.
Narrow • • • • • • •
“Mr. Meanie is here”. “The negative pop-‐ups have taken over again, haven’t they”? “When did you start feeling this way”? “What is upsetting you the most”? “Do you always feel this way or just some times”? “What’s the straw that broke the camel’s back”? “Let me see if I’ve got this right. What I hear you say is ____ happened”.
Optimize • • •
“What does the other part of your brain say”? “Mr. Meanie sees it that way. Do other parts of you feel differently”? “Let’s look through clear glasses”
Get moving • • •
“What’s your plan for tomorrow”? “The part you can fix and control is _______”. “What are you going to do next time
Plant Seeds of Communication Check in with your teen Try Saying This: “I noticed that you weren’t hungry for dinner. Is there something you’re worried about?” Try Saying This: “Let me if you feel like talking. I’m all ears.”
Enough with the Questions Teens don’t respond well to too many questions. Let them know you are available but refrain from too many questions. Stay neutral.
For the reserved teen, try a story Sometimes it’s easier for the reserved teen to talk about his or her own feelings through the story of “a friend” or by listening to you tell a story about your youth. Try Saying This……. Prepare teens for change by talking to them. But don’t overburden them.
Try Saying This: “Let me tell you what’s happening with this situation.”
Encourage teens to ask questions, but don’t involve them in adult decisions. Try Saying This: “Your Dad and I are going decide how to handle this situation, but we are interested in your input.” Reinforce that they (and you) are safe and let them know the strategies you are using to cope with events. Try Saying This: “I am upset about this situation, but I’m going to be fine. It’s not your job to take care of me. Let me tell you how I’m dealing with it….” Be VERY aware of your own worried thoughts so that you will be better equipped to teach your teen to think more realistically and adaptively Encourage your teen to tackle stress at its source Try Saying This: “You are having a tough time in chemistry. What can you do that will improve things?” Counter perfectionism
Try Saying This: “What mistake would you like to make on your homework tonight?
Get Help When, Your Child…. • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
threatens to hurt him or herself exhibits self-‐injurious behavior avoids school has fears and worries that restrict his/her life avoids interaction with others gets stuck on certain thoughts or behaviors for long periods of time experiences panic attacks abuses drugs and/or alcohol acts out sexually performs poorly in school has few relationships rages frequently has severe body image issues gains or loses a lot of weight (in a six month period)