GROWING PAINS

The Bimonthly Newsletter of The Society of Janus

Special CBT Issue! SEPTEMBER 2013

Under Pressure: The Basics of Ball Squeezing By Tracy Wolf, Women’s International Leather Legacy 2011

There are a lot of social connotations centered on a man’s balls. If we think about some of the common phrases that we all hear—being “had by the balls” or needing to “grow a pair” means that someone is weak or less than a whole man. On the other side, someone “ballsy” is gutsy or someone who “has a brass pair” is almost invincible. Being kicked in the balls is one of the more grave insults a man can suffer. The social conditioning we are fed during formative years about testicles make them an emotionally loaded body part. One of the first questions not only women but also men ask about Cock and Ball Torture (CBT) is “why”? Indeed, why would anyone want to torture a man’s genitalia, or to have his genitals tortured? Aside from the mental and emotional charge that comes pre-packed with testicles, for many people it’s about getting lots of blood moving into our most exciting places by stimulating erogenous zones and erectile tissues. This often increases sensitivity, heightens sexual response, and can make a man feel very controlled. Unfortunately, the only point of reference that many people have regarding intense stimulation of a man’s genitalia is a sharp, sudden, and extremely unpleasant pain caused by being kicked, falling on a bicycle, etcetera, or witnessing such an event. This often creates extremely negative associations with testicular pain. However, playing with balls really does not require revisiting the “bad pain” that is involved in these accidents. Causing pressure, and maybe some pain, intentionally, carefully, and with purpose can actually be a delicious experience for everyone involved. One of the first major hurdles in playing with balls is getting over negative impressions and fears around this particular body part. Even the most interested bottom may feel that letting someone inflict intentional pain to his balls will be emasculating in some way. This may not even come up until aftercare. Communicating feelings openly is key to having a successful scene. Before your play date, talk with him about how he feels about his masculinity and what he thinks about literally being grabbed by the balls. If the bottom is nervous about this topic, or if he is concerned that this play will make him seem somehow less manly, yet he is still willing to try it, it’s important to avoid any humiliation while playing and to be supportive after the scene. Conversely, if degradation is the order of the day, and he’s on board with the idea, then going after your bottom’s balls may send him into an ecstatic headspace. Free, open, and frank communication is the key to finding the best direction to go during your play. Next, in terms of playing with his balls, how do we create “good pain,” defined G ROW I N G PA I N S

as pain that adds to the scene, versus “bad pain,” defined as pain that detracts from the scene? As a woman, this was one of the hardest parts for me to understand because there’s no real way for me to experience the same sensation. But, being curious and nosy, I’ve asked enough men to have a pretty good idea of how to create “good pain.” I’ve learned that bad pain in ball play is usually caused by one of two things: rapid, unexpected movement of a testicle or uneven pressure. Regarding rapid, unexpected movement of a testicle, have you ever found yourself gently tugging on a lover’s balls, only to have one of them slip up and away? That sensation can be extremely uncomfortable for him, and is magnified by increased pressure. I’ve been told that this feeling is something like nausea. In order to avoid creating nausea, it’s a good idea to use something to trap “the boys” in his scrotum. You can do this by simply tying a few coils of narrow rope or sash cord around the top of his scrotum tightly enough to prevent either of his testicles from passing upward through the bondage. To further restrict the movement of his balls, additional narrow rope or sash cord can be added separating the balls from one another. Alternatively, ball straps can be used. These are straps made of leather that can be snapped into place, and they are available in a variety of configurations to allow just the right level of control depending on the desired tensions and the anatomy of the bottom. No matter how this is achieved, once the movement of the testicles is controlled, then the real fun can begin. Regarding pressure, once the risk of a runaway nut is minimized, you can then add pressure to the bottom’s balls. Don’t jump right into using toys to put pressure on the balls. During initial play sessions it’s best to maintain fine control and develop a feel for your bottom’s body and preferences, which means you’ll need the feedback that only using your hands provides. To begin, cradle a testicle in each hand with all four fingers underneath and your thumb on top. If you’ve ever used a modern video game controller—yep, that’s how your hands should be! Note that you should not use the tips and nails of your hands to concentrate the pressure. Only use the pads of your thumbs and the palm-sides of your fingers in order to spread the pressure widely over the testicle. I’ve found that men rarely enjoy having exactly the same amount of pressure on

both sides, so I begin ball squeezing by determining what I call their “balance point,” which is a ratio of

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CBT–Cock and Ball Torture General information and safety tips for Femdom play

C and B play stands for cock and ball play. Genitorture stands for genital torture. This is a subject that makes some men clutch their nuts and run in fear, and makes other men instantly erect and greedy for more. The male genitals are at once the most vulnerable and most sensitive part of the male body, so of course many tops enjoy playing with them. Cockrings are rings that go around your cock, typically around the base of it, behind the balls. The penis becomes erect when the blood vessels at its base constrict (because of arousal), trapping blood in the cock and causing it to swell. Cock rings have a similar effect, prolonging erection in most men that use them. (They also constrict the urethra, which will make any orgasm more painful, or even cause ejaculate to back up into the bladder. This is not dangerous unless done repeatedly. Experiment to find out how much tightness is too much.) Most are made of leather, with adjustable snaps, so you can tighten or loosen them to fit (as well as remove them easily). Some are made of rubber. Some are even made of metal, but metal ones can be hazardous; if you put a too-small one on your non-erect cock, your cock may become so erect that you can no longer remove it–and if it is too tight, it will prevent your cock from softening. This may involve a trip to the emergency room and the use of bolt cutters. No joke. Some cock rings have multiple rings, for behind the balls, around the balls themselves, and around the base of the shaft. Some people like using _lots_ of cock rings, to stretch the balls out away from the body. Safety tips: The broadest guideline is to go slowly until you know how much you can take. If the pain from a particular activity starts to spread into other areas of the body, or if the pain lasts for a long time after the stimulation ends, you have probably gone beyond your limits. You won’t reach this point generally if you take your time. As with any SM practice, if you find yourself in pain later, or if you notice any abnormalities in your cock or balls when flaccid or erect, see a doctor. Of course, avoid any practice that seriously wrenches or twists the genitals; there are many ligaments and blood vessels in there, damage to which may make it hard for you to get hard. But the cock and balls can handle light whipping or slapping, provided it is done with care. Of course, cock and ball bondage can be done with leather strips, ribbons, velvet cords, etc. Be as ornamental as you please; tying up an erect cock can create a luscious work of art, and teasing it can be even more artistic. Don’t expect C and B bondage to keep a cock hard indefinitely; cocks will usually get soft if not stimulated, and bondage which _will_ keep it hard may be dangerously tight. In any event, be sure. Article by MissBonnie © CollarNcuffs.com

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Dear Patrick,

I

often see our powerful leaders in the same room/party. How can I approach them without looking like a newbie idiot asking the same questions they probably hear from hundreds of others? -Starstruck in San Francisco We have some awesome people in leadership locally, and they don’t think of themselves as “powerful” but as in service. That takes a commitment to being approachable. Who wants to follow somebody who’s cold and detached and makes you feel dumb? I can practically guarantee you a cordial reception from any community leader politely approached (i.e. no interrupting, no grabbing, etc.). However: it’s easy to mistake visibility for leadership. We have a cohort of leather/kink celebrities who have followings because they’re gorgeous, they wrote a book or were in a book, they won a prize or title, were on TV or in porn. They may be gracious, they may be cold fish. They may hate their fame or may love it, or hate it half the time and love it the rest. They may insist on pretending it doesn’t exist. To complicate matters, some of our celebrities are also leaders, and vice-versa. Some seem confused about which category they fall in. Truth is, the community at large has trouble telling the difference. Take a little care to know something about whom you are approaching — and about your own intentions.

D

ear Patrick; I know some BDSM couples maintain contracts, and I’ve Googled some of the basics. What would you say are the must-haves and can’t-leave-outs? I’m the bottom and want to bring this to my Top for consideration.

I’m a believer in contracts. Most people I know make fun of them (and me) mercilessly; I’m guessing the sample contracts

Google spit out for you provide ample evidence why. Dyads/triads/quads who create effective contracts don’t display them for the entertainment of strangers. They know they’re constructing a document unique to the parties involved and not transferable to anyone else’s dynamic. Accept an off-the-rack contract only if you want an off-therack relationship. In my not remotely authoritative opinion, contracts typically go off the rails in one or more of these three ways: 1. They ramble on about things that don’t belong while omitting the things that do. Consider the notorious “128 Basic Slave Rules,” to take an easy target. #27: “i worship my Master’s cock, its head and its shaft, especially when hard…” #52: “i am my Master’s greatest treasure.” #100: “i hope Master will choose to use my tongue as His towel after His shower so i may be able to worship His body…” Plainly we have entered the kingdom of wank. Nothing wrong with that; most of us have an inventory of just-for-the-sex-of-it rules and positions we like. Write them down if it makes you hot. If your D/s never leaves the bedroom, you probably don’t need a workable contract anyway. But if you want a relationship to be part of your daily life, then your daily life is what you have to come to an understanding about. My trial contracts contain short paragraphs on big life topics: Sex. Money. Time. Employment. Travel. Family and friends. Communication. Consequences. Protocol — by which I mean the specific circumstances in which high, low and under-the-radar protocol apply. I don’t see much use in concocting a written schedule of when the s is to stand, kneel, walk, speak. And have to revise the whole contract every time I change my mind? Besides, if my slave forgets and stands when he’s supposed to kneel, he won’t have the contract in hand to remind him. He’ll have me. 2. They obsessively itemize the submissive’s obligations and overlook the Dominant’s. We need look no further, again, than the aforementioned infamous

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128 — no doubt the most celebrated example, but its knockoffs are legion. In my Big Life Topics model, every paragraph will contain both the Dominant’s commitment and the submissive’s, about sex, time, money, all of it. Contracts must arise from communication, not replace it. Don’t ambush your Top with a document from the Web. Take the time to have the necessary conversations about what’s important to you both, where you can yield, where you cannot. By the time a contract is in written form, there should be no surprises in it. 3. The goal of a contract is clarity, not control. D/s contracts get heaped with derision first and foremost because they are legally unenforceable. Well, duh. And whence comes this faith in “the law” as protector of private accords? If your husband decides not to honor and cherish you till death do you part, no court on earth can make him. All litigation can do is address your disappointment. A contract is not a device to trap or control your partner. It is not, in itself, a commitment: it’s an understanding. The commitment is in you, what you wake up every day and decide to devote your heart and body to. I’m not a fan of the term “power-exchange” for our relationships. No one’s power is migrating anywhere. You are consenting to give a partner X authorities over you, under Y circumstances, within Z boundaries. But until you both have the same understanding of what those authorities and restrictions are, you will be plugging in slightly — or wildly — different values for X, Y and Z, and courting disaster. To put it another way: The goal of a contract is its own elimination. My first contract with my slave was ten paragraphs long. Over time, the responsibilities I was willing to accept and his willingness to surrender grew. Boundaries dissolved. Our current contract is two sentences long. The rest, by now, is understood. Patrick Mulcahey writes and speaks on leather and M/s topics, and serves as program director of the S.F. Leathermen’s Discussion Group (sfldg.org). If you have a question you’d like to see answered in Growing Pains, please send it to [email protected]

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Continued from page 6

pressure on his left nut to the pressure on his right nut that is most pleasurable to him. To find a given man’s balance point, gently apply low levels of pressure using both thumbs, adding a little more to one side or the other until his noises and facial expressions begin giving positive feedback, such as “oooh” and “aaaah” with happy facial expressions. Mentally note what this pressure feels like, because this ratio will serve as his “balance point.” Next, go ahead and play the video game! Apply more pressure to the left, and more pressure to the right, going back and forth across his balance point. Add more pressure, less pressure! Be careful not to twist your hands or his testicles— you can think of this as a solid video game controller in which both hands stay in the same position relative to each other. Keep interesting noises coming from the bottom until you’ve both had your fill of this sort of fun. (Motor boat and gunfire noises from the top are completely optional.) I’ve learned that a man’s balls can often take much more pressure than most men realize, especially when it’s added in the ratio you’ve found as his “balance point.” Remember that increasing the pressure gradually will act much like a warm-up, and allow you to go farther and longer than applying sudden changes will allow. Under more pressure, those slight left/ right variations will seem much more extreme to the bottom. Also, know that the shifts in pressure and balance may cause some sensation verging on “bad pain” that will settle into “good pain.” Respond to initial indications of “bad pain” as you would a “yellow” safe word—proceed with caution. Listen to the noises he makes. Are they happy? Pained? Pleading? Also watch his expression. Did his eyes pop open? Is he gritting his teeth? Is his mouth frozen in a pleasure-pain-processing soundless “O?” This is a dance, and you need to be very conscious of how the moves you make affect him. Play this game so that you both get the maximum enjoyment. Communication is essential during play. When binding and putting pressure on balls, you may notice a drop in skin temperature as well as changes in color. These are normal and not signs for concern unless they are accompanied by “bad pain,” nausea, or cold sweat. Make sure that your bottom knows that G ROW I N G PA I N S

it is critical to promptly let you know that he is experiencing cramping, “bad pain,” and/or nausea. If either occurs, treat this as a “red” safe word. If this happens, stop playing until he feels like himself again, and then re-visit ball squeezing only if both you and your bottom actively want to pursue ball squeezing again in this particular scene. Additionally, don’t be shocked by what his penis does. Ball squeezing can take all the focus away from his penis, causing it to take a break. That’s a completely normal response, and is a far less reliable indicator of the bottom’s enjoyment or displeasure with the scene than are the noises and facial expressions he’s making. Ball play can also cause a guy to get completely hard. This is also perfectly normal, as are many states in between these two possibilities. Every guy has his own set of reactions, so don’t read too much into them but do take mental notes for reference during future play dates. When you’re done, return to the balance point, and gently back off the pressure. Do not remove the pressure all at once, as this may cause the bottom to feel the same sort of nauseous sensation of having a testicle rapidly slip up and away. Sometimes, when removing ball bondage, a little bit of skin will be pinched or a hair will get caught. If this happens, let some of the energy of the scene dissipate a bit, go slowly and gently, and enlist his assistance in the removal process as needed. With all that being said, enjoy yourselves and each other! Have a ball putting him “under pressure.”

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Another "Kinkword" Puzzle

Jay Wiseman's Guide to Basic Cock and Ball Torture (CBT) © 2013 Jay Wiseman (Note: Not intended as complete instruction.)

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Another "Kinkword" Puzzle

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Reprint requests to [email protected] Reprint requests to [email protected] Across

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18 The scrotum...is not...a load-bearing... _____ point. 22 You can make him _____ his own cum, and pre-cum. 19 The scrotal skin can often tolerate clamps better than the skin 24 Use your _____ on his penis and scrotum to create a wide arouse, bite, body, bootlace, cinnamon, cream, eat, fingernails, hard, ice,the ligament, WORD BANK: apart, over _____ can tolerate them. range of sensations, and tocane, get acardiac, wide range of reactions. menthol, painful, penis, perineum, pubic, rupture, slow, spank, testicle, toothbrush, toothpick, whips. 23 It can be way fun to _____ his penis and scrotum; just don't 25 Striking an erect penis with a hard, narrow object such as a break the skin. _____ can cause serious damage.

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Jay Wiseman's Guide to Basic Cock and Ball Torture (CBT)

The Society of Janus is a San Francisco based support and education organization for people interested in learning about BDSM. We have only one cardinal rule: All BDSM activities can and should be safe, consensual and non-exploitative.

Solution:

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San Francisco, CA 94141–1523 www.soj.org / [email protected] Membership Hotline: 415-483-BDSM (2376)

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© 2013 The Society of Janus

bootlace, cane, cardiac, cinnamon, cream, eat, fingernails, hard, ice, ligament, WORD BANK: apart, arouse, bite, PObody, Box 411523 menthol, painful, penis, perineum, pubic, rupture, slow, spank, testicle, toothbrush, toothpick, whips.