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GRIEF IN THE WORKPLACE Serious illness and death can shock us in a workplace. When a co-worker or family member becomes seriously ill or even dies, your productivity and the dynamics of your workplace are affected. You may have spent many hours with the person, and consider him or her a friend, not just a co-worker. Illness and death touch peoples’ feelings about their work and workplace, their own lives, and their fears about death and dying.

Dealing with illness and death can be difficult. What can you do if someone you work with is seriously ill, or dies?

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First, it is important to accept the fact that we are grieving. Take time to grieve, to realize that life will be different, and sometimes difficult. We need to be gentle with ourselves and with others.

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Second, we can learn from the ways we have handled loss before. We need to draw on our resources: the coping skills we have, our own sources of support, and our spiritual strengths. From earlier experiences, we can learn from the mistakes that we need to avoid. WHEN A CO-WORKER OR CLIENT IS SERIOUSLY ILL OR DIES

People who work together are like extended families, and when a person dies, friends and co-workers grieve. When serious illness takes a friend out of the workplace, coworkers justifiably feel upset and powerless, not knowing how to respond. When the death is unexpected, as from violence or an accident, it can be particularly traumatic.

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The Grieving Process Feelings and symptoms of grief can take weeks, months, and even years to manifest and evolve. People don’t heal on a timetable, but over time the emotions do ease. The brief time given to attend the funeral only touches the beginning stages of grief. Experts describe the feelings, symptoms and outcomes of grief in various ways. Recognize the Stages of Grief Broadly speaking, the feelings and symptoms of grief may include: shock, denial, anger, guilt, anxiety, sleep disorders, exhaustion, overwhelming sadness, and concentration difficulties. Other emotions are common. Depression, longing for the person's presence, jealousy of others who have not experienced our loss, even relief that a prolonged illness has ended, may trouble us, but they are normal and natural responses to grief. Stages of Grief 1. Shock and disbelief that the loss has occurred. 2. Anger over the circumstance and those involved. 3. Bargaining: “If I do this, then I will avoid... and Guilt: “I should have done things differently, therefore...” 4. Depression is characterized by the reality of the loss with numbness, disinterestedness, and profound sadness. 5. Acceptance begins to be realized when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The reality of the loss has created changes in us.

Some positive outcomes of grief may include: finding a new balance (which doesn’t necessarily mean that things will be the same) and growth (readiness to move ahead with one’s life.)

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WHAT TO EXPECT People experience grief differently You – or a co-worker who was particularly close to a person who is seriously ill or has died – may feel depressed, absent-minded, short tempered, or exhausted. These are all normal feelings. It is important to realize the differences between your co-workers and not set up expectations as to how others should grieve or act in the workplace. Sometimes the present grief will re-initiate unresolved grief from past losses. Being able to discern this is important in our growth and acceptance of death. Creating healthy memories is part of healing When a co-worker is seriously ill, co-workers have the opportunity to do things for the person and their family. Often our fear that we are over-stepping our boundaries prevents us from taking action. Doing things often helps us feel less powerless and able to contribute in some small way. Some people find talking about the deceased helps them manage their grief. Others keep to themselves. Respect the fact that others may feel the loss more or less strongly than you, or cope differently. A death generates questions and fears about our own mortality. If a co-worker dies, you may feel guilty or angry at the person, at life, or at the medical profession. It may cause you to question your own life. These are normal emotions.

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Get help if you have trouble coping If you find yourself struggling with the loss of your co-worker or if you find that your work is suffering, seek help from a qualified professional. A lag in your performance could be a signal that this loss is affecting you more profoundly than you may have thought. In order to effectively cope with loss, and to help others who are struggling, it is important to get past some of the common misconceptions about grief. Cokie Roberts, of ABC News, commented, "Over time, people learn to live with the loss, but it's not something you get over.” The grieving process is a series of ups and downs, and often it's more intense in the early years. Remember that you never have to ‘like’ a loss. You just have to learn to accept it and deal with it. A more accurate understanding of the way grief affects us can facilitate healing. Myth 1: We only grieve deaths. Reality: We grieve all losses. Myth 2: Only family members grieve. Reality: All who are attached grieve. Myth 3: Grief is only an emotional reaction. Reality: Grief is manifests in many ways --physically, emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually. Myth 4: Individuals should leave grieving at home. Reality: We cannot control where we grieve.

Myth 6: Grieving means letting go of the person who died. Reality: We never fully detach from those who have died and the memories we have of them. Myth 7: Grief finally ends. Reality: Over time most people learn to live with loss. Myth 8: Grievers are best left alone. Reality: Grievers need opportunities to share their memories and grief, and to receive support

Myth 5: We slowly and predictably recover from grief. Reality: Grief is an uneven process, a roller coaster with no timeline.

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Be aware of how you react to a deceased co-worker’s replacement. Your anger or disappointment at her or his performance, personality or work style may be less a function of the individual than your grief about the person they are replacing. Do your mourning now. Being strong and brave is important, but I always tell those I counsel to never miss an opportunity to cry. That is not self-indulgent, but simply sensible and honest in dealing with your emotions. Expressing your feelings Expressing emotions will help you heal, as feelings expressed often lose their power over us. Feelings repressed don't. So give vent to your feelings. Get support from other people Counselors, support groups like widows groups and bereavement groups, can be found through a hospice, your church, or a community or social service agency. You will not only help yourself, but you may also help another and that can be a great source of strength, joy and recovery. Love yourself and take special care of yourself through your grief. 213 McClanahan Street Roanoke, VA 24014 800-992-1931 and 540-981-8950 2900 Lamb Circle Carilion NRV Medical Center Christiansburg, VA 24073 800-992-1931

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