Good Grief . . . and Bad Little Shepherd Boy – Part X II Samuel 19

Introduction There once lived a Greek man by the name of Hippocrates. He was a physician who is, at least in our day, actually referred to as “the father of medicine”. He wrote his own personal convictions, as they relate to medicine, and they have been passed down through the generations and known as the Hippocratic Oath. It has been that oath that has shaped medicine for more than two thousand years. It is comprised of many statements of conviction that are echoed every year at graduation ceremonies in medical universities and schools. Today, sadly, this oath has been edited to some degree. One of Hippocrates statements, that I reread from the Encyclopedia Britannica this past week, said, as part of his convictions, that, “To please no one will I prescribe a deadly drug nor give advice which may cause his death.” It is interesting to think of the suicide doctor in this country who is assisting in the self-murder of people by breaking the Hippocratic Oath. It was also Hippocrates who wrote, the words which used to be echoed, but are now edited for convenience, “I will not aid a woman to procure abortion.” This is also interesting in light of the number of doctors who ignore it today. There are some, and I would be among them, to believe that Hippocrates was influenced by the writings of Solomon, although he lived four hundred years before Christ. The period of time in which he lived is known as “the silent period”. It is the four hundred years after the end of the last book of the Old Testament and before Jesus Christ again spoke through the Old Testament prophet, John. So Hippocrates probably, at least had available, as he worked and ministered and practiced in Athens and the Island of Cos, the Old Testament scriptures. Some of Hippocrates’ writings sound a little suspicious. However, he wrote in what is known as

“Precepts,” these very interesting words, “Healing is a matter of time.” This could be paraphrased to read, “Healing from pain or loss takes time.” Turn in your Bible to the book of Ecclesiastes. In Ecclesiastes chapter 3, we discover a passage that may have influenced the father of medicine to write what he did. Look at Ecclesiastes 3:1-6. Note the words concerning healing in verse 3. There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven – A time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; a time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; a time to keep and a time to throw away. Verse 6 is for all of you who are packrats! Let us stop at this point. Within these few verses is a lot of theology that would ruin the sermons that many Christians preach to each other. Solomon says, in verse 4, “There is a time to weep and a time to mourn, or literally, to grieve.” He also says, in verse 3, “It takes time to heal.” However, many well-meaning Christians would quote the part of I Thessalonians 4:13 that says, . . . you will not grieve . . . What does the rest of the verse say? . . . you will not grieve as do the rest who have not hope. 1

Christians have not been inoculated against grieving by simply coming to the cross. The experience of a Christian is not somehow going to be devoid of any suffering; any cause for mourning. In fact, the Christian experience may be absolutely the opposite. We know this by a two word verse of scripture that nearly all or us learned in Sunday school, which tells us, Jesus wept. (John 11:35) If it is spiritual not to weep or to grieve or to mourn, then we need to rewrite our spirituality. In this verse, Jesus, who is the most spiritual individual to ever walk the face of the earth, is sobbing at the grave of His friend. We all experience, what we would call, little griefs or big griefs. Little griefs may seem large at the moment they occur, but in retrospect, perhaps not as great. Griefs are there, however. I thought this past week, of several opportunities for grieving that are experienced. One opportunity would be the grief incurred when moving away from one location to another. One out of five Americans move once a year. The uprooting of the network of friendships that has been established causes grief. Retirement is an opportunity for grieving. An individual man or woman is told that they are now too old to contribute to the company and perhaps, with a Timex watch, if that, or at least a slap on the back, they are ushered out the door. It is a point of grief. There is also the person who has worked diligently for advancement, but when the job opens, it is given to someone else. This is an opportunity for grief. What about the loss by being jilted by a girlfriend or boyfriend? This is the case of the young man that I heard about, who was determined to win the affection of a girl who refused to even see him. He figured the way to win her was by writing letters to her. So he wrote one love letter to her every single day. This did not seem to work, so he increased his output to two and three a day. Finally, she married the mailman! This is an opportunity for grief. My little five-and-a-half year old daughter just finished preschool. She cried the night before. This was quite traumatic! My wife and I went to her preschool the next day. The children were wearing

their paper hats with little white tassels. They all marched in and the parents were all taking pictures. This was the greatest thing on earth. The children got their little scrolls from the teacher. After the ceremony, my daughter and her best girlfriend were hugging each other and shedding tears – real tears – like they were not going to see each other ever again. They were going to spend the next day playing together at one of their houses! There was real grief. Add to this list, real griefs that we would perhaps, recognize. These would include: the loss of a spouse in death, the loss of a child, the home-going of a special friend, perhaps a failure in school or the loss of a business, the loss of a dream or expectation. These bring, what we could call, the grieving process. It is a time to mourn, it is a time to weep, and it will take time to put the pieces together and go on. This is part of the human experience. Dr. Granger Westberg wrote, “You cannot live life without experiencing grief in a thousand different ways.”

The Good and Bad of Grief Now in order for us to understand what the Bible has to say about good grief, as we could call it, and about bad grief, let us turn to a classic passage of scripture as we continue through the book of II Samuel. We will take a look at a child of God involved in what we would unfortunately, have to call, bad grief. Turn in your Bible to II Samuel 19. David is the main character in this melodrama. His grief is recorded for us to study, which I am certain David would not have wanted. Had he a vote in the matter, I am sure it would have been left out. However, God includes this for out “instruction,” according to the New Testament writer (II Timothy 3:16). In the process of our study today, I want to give six characteristics of bad grief. I am going to have to be brief in order to get through these. Turn back to II Samuel 18:31-32 and let us gain an understanding of the context. In a previous study, we learned that David has been overthrown by his son Absalom. Behold, the Cushite arrived, and the Cushite said, “Let my lord the king receive good news, for the Lord has freed you this day from the hand of all those who rose up against you.” Then the king said to the 2

Cushite, “Is it well with the young man Absalom?” And the Cushite answered, “Let the enemies of my lord the king, and all who rise up against you for evil, be as that young man!” In other words, David’s beloved son Absalom is dead. Continue to II Samuel 18:33. The king was deeply moved and went up to the chamber over the gate and wept. And thus he said as he walked, “O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would I had died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!” Now, at first glance, this seems quite normal. Indeed, it would be, except that we remember from previous studies that David never called his son, “son”. For five years, David refused to see the face of Absalom. For five years, as we studied in the previous chapters, he refused to call Absalom, his “son”. He simply called him, “that young man” and refused to bring him back. Even when he allowed him into the city, he would not allow him into his home. David is mourning, not just for the death of his son, but for the loss that he feels because he has failed as his father. He is discovering this too late. Let me give you the first characteristic then, of bad grief. 1. Characteristic number one, bad grief is especially crippling when it is combined with guilt. I read the writings of Dr. Ross Campbell in his book, How to Really Love Your Child. He told the story of a father who was experiencing his fiftieth birthday and was in a rather irritable mood. Perhaps some of you who have turned fifty can identify. This man’s eleven year old son Ricky, ran into the living room and hopped onto his lap. Ricky began kissing him repeatedly on the cheek and he asked, “What are you doing?” Ricky replied, “I’m giving you fifty kisses for your birthday.”

Dr. Campbell told of this man living with the words, “Some other time.” I have news for you. In David’s heart, in this grieving, when he says five times, “my son, my son, my son, . . .,” he is realizing, too late, how much Absalom meant to him. 2. Characteristic number two, bad grief is particularly devastating because it demands isolation. Look at II Samuel 19:1. Then it was told Joab, “Behold, the king is weeping and mourns for Absalom.” Skip to II Samuel 19:3-4. So the people went by stealth into the city that day, as people who are humiliated steal away when they flee in battle. The king covered his face and cried out with a loud voice, “O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son!” Everyone, according to this passage, is tiptoeing around David. They are sneaking back into the city. We are told that David has “covered his face,” so he cannot not see anyone. He is lamenting in a “loud voice,” so he cannot hear anyone. He simply wants to be alone. Now do not misunderstand, ladies and gentlemen, there is nothing wrong at certain times, in wanting to be alone. It is natural and normal to have this desire at times. However, God never intended for us to become hermits – emotionally or physically. In fact, according to the New Testament, God’s formula, God’s therapy for those who are grieving always involves the lives of other people. David has “covered his face,” in verse 4. It is interesting that the word “covered,” is from a Hebrew word which literally, means, “to cover with a burial cloth”. He has taken a piece of a shroud and has draped it over his face. He laments and says, in effect, to everyone else, “Leave me alone.” 3. Characteristic number three, bad grief is very powerful because, as with any strong emotion, it is contagious.

This would normally have been touching, but because of his irritable mood, the father sort of pushed his son away and said, “Some other time.”

Notice II Samuel 19:3 again.

Ricky was hurt. He went out of the house, got on his bike and rode into the street. He was accidentally hit and killed by an oncoming car.

So the people went by stealth into the city that day, as people who are humiliated steal away when they flee in battle. Look at the first part of II Samuel 19:2. 3

The victory that day was turned to mourning for all the people . . . This word “mourning” is the same Hebrew word that we find in II Samuel 19:1, which tells of King David mourning Absalom. However, this verse is talking about who mourning? “All the people”. Now this has been a victory for the people. They have the right and cause to celebrate. However, the people mourn. Why? Because not only is emotion contagious, but the most negative emotions are the most easily caught and the most influential. You may work with people who have terrible attitudes. It puts a pall over the office, does it not? It is like a black cloud and you are just waiting for it to rain anytime this person comes around. Perhaps your family has gone to the dinner table and everyone is happy and in a good mood, except for one child. Just one kid; one bad attitude spoils the whole thing for everyone. I have seen this happen. I have been to your home and have seen the way your kids act! That was mean of me – you cannot talk back! I am sorry! You have probably seen a plaque like the one my wife used to have hanging in her dressing area. It has a picture of a gal with her hair tied up in a bandana and her hands on her hips. She does not look very happy. The caption underneath says, “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” I am not sure why my wife had that. It may have been to encourage her to have a good day or it may have been to warn me! It is true, however, “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” How many men would agree on this? Are you too chicken to agree?! I have probably seen your wife mad at you! This is true for Dad’s too, by the way. We have no right to bark all over the house. Emotion that is negative is highly influential and is quickly caught. Israel has just won a tremendous victory. So where is the victory celebration? Nowhere. Why? Because the king ain’t happy. Let me give three more characteristics of bad grief and then we will look at II Samuel 19:5. 4. Characteristic number four, bad grief is extremely unhealthy because it overlooks present blessings.

5. Characteristic number five, bad grief is incredibly harmful because it underestimates the value of other people. 6. Characteristic number six, bad grief is unusually deceiving because it will distort and reverse truth. II Samuel 19:5 says, Then Joab came into the house to the king and said, “Today you have covered with shame the faces of all your servants, who today have saved your life and the lives of your sons and daughters, the lives of your wives, and the lives of your concubines,” “Why are you,” Joab says to David, “embarrassing or causing shame to those who are left who love you?” Joab continues in II Samuel 19:6, and this is the reversal, “by loving those who hate you, and by hating those who love you. For you have shown today that princes and servants are nothing to you; for I know this day that if Absalom were alive and all of us were dead today, then you would be pleased.” Wow! Joab does not have a very good bedside manner, does he? He says, “David, if Absalom, the traitor, were alive, and all the rest of us were dead, you’d be happy.” Now I happen to believe there is quite an interval of time between II Samuel chapters 18 and 19 – perhaps as much as two months. The truth is, when something has thrown us into the grieving process, we all need someone a little like Joab. We need someone to come and to confront us and to challenge us and to remind us of all that God has done for us and all God has given us. We need someone to invite us back to the living and back to the dreaming and back to reality. I also happen to believe Joab was very impatient. I find it interesting, as we have studied the life of David, that it seems the kind of person that gets next to David is the hard puncher. This is like the situation with the prophet Nathan, as you may remember. Nathan comes along and says to David, “You are the man.” Then, David sort of, wakes up (II Samuel 12). The wise woman comes along and says, “David, if you will forgive my son but not forgive yours, what 4

kind of person are you?” So he invites Absalom back to the city (II Samuel 14). Now Joab says, “Listen, you’re acting as if those who love you, hate you. By acting this way, you are acting as if you hate them. If they were dead and Absalom were alive, I guess you would be happy.” Kings are used to speaking, not listening. But Joab uses very tough words to say what no one else had the guts to say. Let me put it this way – Joab had to hurt David before he could help David. So what is Joab’s solution to David’s grief? David did not ask for a solution, by the way, but Joab gives one anyway. Look at II Samuel 19:7a. Now therefore arise, go out and speak kindly to your servants . . . In other words, “David, make a public, kingly appearance. You may not feel like it, but you need to go out on the balcony; you need to salute the troops, salute the flag, make a political speech, thank the people who risked their lives for you, and remember what you have left.” I love II Samuel 19:8a. So the king arose and sat in the gate. When they told all the people, saying, “Behold, the king is sitting in the gate,” then all the people came before the king.... This is absolutely incredible. Do not think for a moment that it was easy for David to sit on this seat before the people who had betrayed him and the elders who had dethroned him. Yet a large part of David’s recovery involved his willingness to move forward. Joab’s advice, as crude as it might seem, was the best in the world. It is interesting, is it not, that this solution did not tell the people to come and speak kindly to David, but David to go and speak kindly to the people? In the same way for us, the solution is moving into the lives of people that we have here and now.

Building Bridges . . . Repairing Friendships To see what David does with the lives of people, you need to dig deeper into II Samuel 19. Before we discuss this briefly and then, wrap this discussion up, I want to make a couple of comments. Let me start by telling a little history that you have probably learned and forgotten.

You may remember the Spanish Inquisition. It was a black mark on the history of Christendom. The New Testament church that was literally, following the scriptures, refused to bow their knee to the hierarchy of the Roman church. They were forced to either recant or die. Many refused to recant. They held on to the “Sola Scriptura,” or the sole sufficiency of scripture. Many others, however, recanted. A few centuries later, we discover the story of the Anabaptists, who are the predecessors of the Baptist movement today. Anabaptist means, “to baptize again”. They infuriated the organized church in England, or the Anglican church, because they were following the Bible’s mandate for disciple’s baptism; that is, baptism follows conversion. The Anglican church created dunking stools to which they would strap these individuals and then literally, drown them. To us, it is a simple ordinance that we can take or leave, but our forefathers died for it – for their interpretation of scripture and the obedience of Christ’s command. In both of these periods of history, something interesting happened. The New Testament church, underground as it was, was thrust into tremendous friction. The situation they were in presented an important question; which was, “What do we do to the person who recanted? Do we let them back into the fellowship? What do we do about the person who refused to be baptized under persecution or the threat of life? Now that it is over and they are baptized, do we let them back in?” In other words, “What do we do with people who betrayed our cause? How do we treat someone who, at the worst possible moment in our lives, walked away?” This is the question that David has to answer. How is he going to treat people who betrayed him; who walked away from him at the worst possible moment in his life; who let him down? Let us discuss this briefly and you can study it further on your own. 1. First, with the people who betrayed him, David made himself available to them again. We find this in II Samuel 19:8-10. Look again at II Samuel 19:8a. So the king arose and sat in the gate. When they told all the people, saying, “Behold, the king is sitting in the gate,” then all the people came before the king.... 5

2. Secondly, with the elders who so quickly dethroned him, David reinstated them. These elders had placed the crown on Absalom’s head, and declared, “He is the king.” Notice II Samuel 19:11-12. Then King David sent to . . . the priests, saying, “Speak to the elders of Judah, saying, ‘Why are you the last to bring the king back to his house, since the word of all Israel has come to the king, even to his house? You are my brothers; you are my bone and my flesh. Why then should you be the last to bring back the king?’” David reinstated these elders. 3. Thirdly, with the general Amasa, whom Absalom had placed over the forces to fight against David, David promoted him. Look at II Samuel 19:13 for David’s message to Amasa. Say to Amasa, “Are you not my bone and my flesh? May God do so to me, and more also, if you will not be commander of the army before me continually in place of Joab.” What is David doing to Amasa? He is promoting him! Now, by the way, Joab had disobeyed David’s royal order to let Absalom live. As a result, as with any soldier who cannot follow orders, he is demoted and Amasa is put in his place. 4. Fourthly, with the antagonist Shimei, who cursed David as he left, David pardoned him. Do you remember Shimei, that yapping poodle who threw stones and dust at David, as David left? Do you remember he ran along the ridge and cursed David. He never thought David would come back! Shimei never thought he would see him again. Now, here David comes! Look at II Samuel 19:16 and 18. Then Shimei . . . hurried and came down . . . to meet King David. . . . Then . . . kept crossing the ford to bring over the king’s household, and to do what was good in his sight. And Shimei the son of Gera fell down before the king as he was about to cross the Jordan.

Shimei is the first person to meet David as he is coming back – he knows he had better. Continue to II Samuel 19:19. So he said to the king, “Let not my lord consider me guilty, nor remember what your servant did wrong on the day when my lord the king came out from Jerusalem, so that the king should take it to heart.” In other words, “Gee, I hope you’re not upset about that little rock throwing incident out there. Do you remember that? I didn’t mean it. You’re not upset are you?” Shimei is a man who kicked David when David was down. Now David is back as the acting king. What would you do if you were David? If you want to multiply your grief, then take the people’s heads off who did something like this to you. However, if you want to get over it, then pardon them. Look at II Samuel 19:23a. The king said to Shimei, “You shall not die.” ... 5. Fifthly, with the defector Mephibosheth, whom David had welcomed as a son for Jonathan’s sake, but who had abandoned him, David restored land to him. David had earlier welcomed Saul’s grandson, Jonathan’s son, Mephibosheth, who was lame, into his home as a son. Mephibosheth then abandoned David when he left Jerusalem. In II Samuel 19:24-30, upon King David’s return, we are told that David meets with Mephibosheth and restores land to him. Do you see what David is doing with these people? He is repairing the broken fences. He is rebuilding the bridges that have been blown apart by war. By the grace of God, with great dignity, David is working through his grief – and so can we.

Application Let me make three applications about grieving from our study today. 1. Number one, grieving is a necessary, Godgiven expression and a healthy release. 2. Number two, grieving is good, as long as it refuses the temptation to hide from the future. 3. Number three, grieving is healthy, as long as it ultimately, refocuses on the living. I read of a widow who had been married to a musician. He had died over twenty years earlier, yet 6

she kept his music studio just as it was when he died. Refusing to allow anyone to enter, she locked the piano, never allowing anyone, not even herself, to play. Each day, she would come and stand at the open doorway, where she would unlock the piano and open it. She would stand there and be haunted for hours every day, by the memories of his music. A Jewish rabbi, by the name of Joshua Liebman, wrote a chapter entitled, “The Slow Wisdom of Grief”. He wrote this wise comment, “The melody that the loved one played upon the piano of your life will never be played quite that way again, . . .” Let us just admit this. There will always be that hole; the loss of that dream, that expectation, that loved one. There will always be that gap. And no one will ever be able to play music like that one could. Liebman continues, “. . . but we must not close the keyboard and allow the instrument to gather dust. We must seek out other artists of the spirit . . . who will walk the road with us.” My friends, it is not what you and I have lost, but what we have left that counts now. This should become our focus. It is that which captivates our focus that ultimately, recreates joy. However, do not forget the process – it takes time to heal.

7