PATHWAYS A Hospice Newsletter to Help with Grief

January/February 2012

A COLD WINTER’S GRIEF The bereaved often find winter to be strangely satisfying. The cold, the dark, the lifelessness of winter seem to fit. These signs of icy winter reflect the inner emotional reality. The bleakness echoes the deep darkness which often characterizes grief. A grieving mother once told me she dreaded the return of spring. She did not want plants to grow again or warmth to return to the earth. She would have been relieved if the snow and ice stayed indefinitely. Winter perfectly suited her inner sense of the darkness of death and the despair of grief. Emily Dickinson captured this mood when she wrote: There’s a certain slant of light On winter afternoons, That oppresses, like the weight Of cathedral tunes. Heavenly hurt it gives us; We can find no scar, But eternal difference Where the meanings are. While each grief experience is unique, deep “winter-like” emotions are common, understandable, and probably necessary for grief to be fully experienced and expressed. In his book Attachment and Loss, John Bowlby noted that the sadness and depression of loss includes four phases: 1) numbing; 2) yearning and searching for the lost figure; 3) disorganization and despair; 4) reorganization. Before reorganization can occur following a loss, it is typical for the griever to go through intense feelings of bleakness and despair. This includes experiencing the numbness which shock creates, the deep feelings of longing for the loved one, and the difficulty of re-ordering a life that has been turned upside down by a death. What can you do to help yourself when you are in deep grief? It is often a combination of times of solitude and times of communication with others which helps. The combination makes it possible to enter into but also to pass through such “numbing” feelings. You will need the private time of solitude to think your thoughts and feel your feelings. But you also need the time of talking with others to express the feelings and ideas. Grief is less likely to be resolved if the emotions are totally avoided or only partially experienced or expressed. You may find that shared grief is grief relieved. The “winter-like” emotions might stay beyond their season. Then it may be time to seek consultation with a grief counselor or other professional to help yourself toward healthful healing. By The Rev. Paul A. Metzler VNSNY Hospice Care Pathways 1

GRIEF SUPPORT ADULT GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP

GRIEF COUNSELING SUPPORT Hospice of Central New York offers a thirteenmonth grief support program through The Center for Living With Loss. Our professional bereavement counselors are available by appointment to help families and loved ones through this difficult time. Services offered for: • • • •

A group for adults who have experienced a loss, led by Center for Living With Loss Staff. Six Mondays: January 9th – February 13th, 2012 6:00 – 7:15 PM Topics include: • Understanding grief • Reactions to grief • Adjusting to change •Remembering well • Living peacefully with grief

Individuals Children Couples Families

Registration is required, please call 634-2207.

Please call 634-2207 to request services.

NEWLY GRIEVING SUPPORT GROUP

WALK-N-TALK GROUPS Carousel Mall Group: Meet in the Food Court at 9:00 AM Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays Contact: Ann Maxfield at 487-1413

January 19th at 10:00 AM and February 16th at 6:00 PM A monthly group for those who have recently experienced a death of a loved one, or for those who would like to know more about their grief and the resources available at the Center for Living With Loss.

Great Northern Mall Group: Meet in front of Regal Box Office Fridays at 12:30 PM Contact: Celestina Spinella at 699-3471

Please call at 634-2207 with questions or for additional information. Hospice of Central New York Families Grief services are covered for those whose loved one died in the Hospice of Central New York program in the last 13 months. There is a nominal registration fee for camp and workshops.

Other Members of the CNY Community Those who experienced a non-hospice death are offered the following services free of charge: grief talks and workshops, bi-annual Service of Remembrance, lending library and Pathways newsletter. We ask that each person contribute what they are able for short term counseling and support groups.

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CHILDREN AND TEEN GRIEF SUPPORT REFLECTIONS CAFÉ

HEALING HEARTS FAMILY NIGHT

Thursday, January 26th and February 23rd, 2011

A place for teens ages 13-18 to get support with grief. Includes: Sharing Activities made with memories Pizza Music

Tuesday, February 7, 2012, 6pm- 8pm Family members of any age are welcome to participate in the Healing Hearts Family Night.

REFLECTIONS MOVIE NIGHTS – Thursday, January 5th and February 2nd Both the Café and Movie Night are held from 5:30-7:30pm Registration is required each month, please call 634-1113 x 178

The program will provide the opportunity for youngsters and adults who are grieving during the Valentine’s Day season (a time when love is officially celebrated in the United States) to draw comfort from their memories of love with their deceased loved one through activities, crafts, and fellowship with others. We hope you will be able to join us. Registration is required, please call 634-2207

HEALING HEARTS KIDS AND TEENS CORNER A new year is like a rebirth. It gives you the opportunity to reflect and find what makes you truly happy and healthy. In the midst of the craziness in your life, it is a time to focus on the things that calm and allow you to refocus your attitude and intentions in life. It is a time to take care of yourself and your family, especially when your family is grieving the loss of a loved one. It is time to grieve well and remember well. Children and teens, the forgotten mourners, are aware of the emotional reactions that parents and caregivers have after the death of a loved one, whether hidden or apparent. In fact, for most children and teens, adult reactions to the death of a loved one will play an especially important role in shaping their perceptions of the situation. Children and teens will remember even the smallest details, details that would surprise you, about the death of a loved one. As such, the ability for a family to openly grieve and communicate with each other is very important during this life changing journey. Children and teens will watch for verbal and nonverbal cues for whether remembering and grieving openly is bearable by the adults around them. If it is unbearable for you to talk about the death of your loved one, it will be just as unbearable for your youngster to name feelings related to their loss in your presence out respect of not causing you emotional distress. So, as you forge ahead into the New Year with self-care on your mind, remember that caring for yourself and your family who are grieving deserves consideration, if not priority. Each family member’s memory preserves a different facet of your loved one. As you learn to reach out to each other in your grief, you may find you will draw closer together, and find that by caring for each other, you are caring for yourself.

“A child old enough to love is old enough to grieve” – Alan Wolfelt, PhD Amy VanDusen, MSW (Child and Family Grief Specialist) Pathways 3

THE FIVE W’S OF A GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP What: At Hospice of Central New York, grief support groups focus on providing information about grief and tools to help along the way. Our groups, which are led by Hospice grief counselors, provide support and a safe time and place to explore all the different facets of grief. We ask that members respect each other’s right to confidentiality, assuring that what goes on in group stays in group. Members need to be on time for meetings and alert the counselors if they are unable to attend. Why: People come to support groups so they can find out what is “normal” in grieving. Many have never had to live with grief. Even those who have suffered a significant loss in the past may find this grief to be completely different. Some come to receive information on what to expect or to explore new strategies to work through grief. Often, people come to group because they want to be with others who “speak the language” of grief. Our support groups allow people to “come as you are” and not worry if you shed a tear or laugh heartily or do both in the same sentence. We are told by members that they learn from the experiences shared by others in the group. It makes them feel less alone. When: Timing is a very individual thing when it comes to support groups. If you are at the stage of your grief when you find it hard to hear of another person’s pain, it’s too soon to be in a group. Hospice offers one on one support for you and for those who want to work on more in depth issues of grief. If you come to group, the members will be interested in you and everyone else in the group. If you come for individual support, you get the whole 45 minutes of focus. Some people like to be a part of a group right away because they like the connections and shared insights about common issues. Others opt for individual support now, knowing they can join a group later. You know your own needs best. Who: Our support groups are only for those who have experienced the death of a loved one. We cannot work in our support groups with people whose loved ones are dying or with people living with other types of losses, such as divorce, relocations or deployments. This doesn’t mean that we believe these losses to be insignificant. It is just beyond the mission of our hospice support groups. How: Most of our groups require that you register by calling Ellen at 634-2207. Registration helps us keep the groups a reasonable size so they can be beneficial to you. Our Reflections Café for teens and Helping Hands, Healing Hearts group for children require that we provide both refreshments and materials for creative memorial art projects. You are welcome to leave Ellen a message, but please be sure to leave your name and contact information because the group leader may want to touch base before the group. I guess it was four W’s and an H. See you in group!

Pat Moriarty, MA, FT The Center for Living With Loss

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HEALING ARTS – TEAR JARS In the dry climate of ancient Greece, water was prized above all. Giving up water from one’s own body, when crying tears for the dead, was considered a sacrifice. They caught their precious tears in tiny pitchers or “tear jars” like the ones shown here (life size). The tears became holy water and could be used to sprinkle on doorways to keep out evil, or to cool the brow of a sick child. The tear jars were kept unpainted until the owner had experienced the death of a parent, sibling, child or spouse. After that, the grieving person decorated the tear jar with intricate designs, and examples of these can still be seen throughout modern Greece. This ancient custom symbolizes the transformation that takes place in people who have grieved deeply. They are not threatened by the grief of people in pain. They have been in the depths of pain themselves, and returned. Like the tear jar, they can now be with others who grieve and catch their tears. Some survivors try to think their way through grief. That doesn’t work. Grief is a releasing process, a discovery process, a healing process. We cannot release or discover or heal by the use of our minds alone. The brain must follow the heart at a respectful distance. It is our hearts that ache when a loved one dies. It is our emotions that are most drastically affected. Certainly, the mind suffers, the mind recalls, the mind may plot and plan and wish, but it is the heart that will blaze the trail through the thicket of grief. From A Time to Grieve by Carol Staudacher

THREE WAYS TO MOURN: TO WEEP, TO BE SILENT, AND TO SING. The first way to mourn is to weep: even if our tears are for ourselves, for our ache of loneliness, for our pain of loss, they are still sacred, for they are the tears of love. But we may weep only if we do not weep too long, only if the spark of our own spirit is not quenched by a grief too drawn out, only if we do not indulge ourselves in the luxury of grief until it deprives us of courage and even the wish for recovery. The second way to mourn is to be silent: to behold the mystery of love, to recall a shared moment, to remember a word or a glance, or simply at some unexpected moment, to miss someone very much and wish that he or she could be here. The twinge lasts but a moment, and passes in perfect silence. The third way to mourn is to sing: to sing a hymn to life, a life that still abounds in sights and sounds and vivid colors; to sing the song our beloved no longer has the chance to sing. We sing the songs of our beloved; we aspire to their qualities of spirit; and we trust in our heart that there is a God who hears the bittersweet melody of our song. Attributed to Abraham Joshua Heschel Pathways 5

Calendar of Events Reflections Café Movie Nights – January 5 and February 2, 2012 Adult Grief Support Group – January 9 - February 13, 2012 Newly Grieving Support Group – January 19 and February 16, 2012 Reflections Café for Teens – January 26 and February 23, 2012 Family Night – February 7, 2012 Please contact Ellen, Bereavement Office Coordinator, at 634-2207 for further information, or if you would prefer not to receive this publication. All events (unless otherwise noted) are held at Hospice of CNY (fully accessible). Should this

program need to be cancelled due to weather or other emergency situation, we will leave a message at 634-1113 x 307 two hours prior to the event.

Non-Profit Org. US Postage Paid Permit No. 24 Syracuse, NY

Hospice of Central New York 990 Seventh North Street Syracuse, NY 13088

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