Family Support and Bereavement Service helping you through your bereavement Telephone 01543 434536

Common Reactions to Loss Grief is a normal reaction to loss for both adults and children. It is an individual experience which affects us all in different ways: emotionally, physically, socially, and in many practical areas of life.

There is no right or wrong way to be in bereavement. Look at the words below and see if you can relate to any of these. It is not a comprehensive list. Maybe you can relate to all of these, maybe none.

Guilt Hyperactivity Relief Irritability Vulnerability Over sensitivity Higher dependency Avoiding people Constant tiredness

Lack of initiative Forgetfulness Slowed thinking Dreams of your loved one Wandering aimlessly Crying Sobbing Unable to cry Tight chest & throat

Would it surprise you to know that all these reactions are normal and healthy symptoms of grief? However, singly or in combination, they can feel overwhelming. And it’s OK to express these feelings; it can sometimes help to talk to people; a friend, neighbour, GP or health professional. 2

Emotionally The range of emotions felt following bereavement is vast. Some of the more common feelings are: Guilt, Anger, Relief, Despair, Apathy, Loneliness. Some people feel too numb to experience any emotion for a while.

Physically You may notice changes in sleeping patterns and appetite. Some people feel panicky and restless. Others feel exhausted, especially if you had been providing care.Your immune system could be low and you may be prone to infections.

Spiritually If you have spiritual or religious beliefs, they can be of comfort and a very important source of support. If you’ve never explored these possibilities before you may now decide you would like to. Unfortunately bereavement can also shake your faith in God or other existing belief.

Socially and Financially Bereavement can sometimes set you apart from friends, relatives and neighbours at a time when you may think you should be able to cope because you have their support. But no-one can replace the person who has died and you can feel isolated and alone in your grief.You may experience difficulties managing or sorting out finances and dealing with other practical issues. 3

Looking after yourself Listed below are some techniques that have been helpful to some of our clients in the past.You may find something that is helpful for you: It’s OK to express feelings. It’s OK not to cry. It’s important to make time to rest, think and sleep, as well as having time with family and friends. Try to avoid major decisions if you can. Go at your own pace. Try to let children share your grief and encourage them to express their feelings, maybe by talking, reading books, drawing or playing. Be gentle with yourself. If you are having a bad day, muddle through, tomorrow is a new day. Be patient with yourself; try not to compare yourself to others. If you are hurting, admit it and go with the pain. Ask for help, accept help. Keep to a routine to help you get through the day; this is especially useful for children. Introduce pleasant changes to your life. Schedule activities to get you through the worst times (weekends, anniversaries, special days that you shared). Accept your feelings as normal. 4

Find different ways of expressing your feelings by e.g. by exercising, listening to or playing music. Write your feelings or thoughts in a journal. Eat regularly. Ask questions about what happened; it may help to have the facts. Remind yourself that you’re not going crazy.Your sleeping, eating, thinking, remembering, concentration and motivation will be up and down. Keep something that belongs to the person and start a memory box. Laugh and have fun without feeling guilty or bad about it.

St Giles Family Support and Bereavement Services Bereavement affects families and individuals in different ways. Many people will manage their own grief with the help and support of family and friends. Others may find it beneficial to seek help outside of these circles, to talk about their feelings and what has happened to them with someone they have never met. Often people cope very differently, which can lead to feelings of isolation, and not everyone will have family or friends to support them. The way to understand grief is to try to understand the person who is experiencing it, and the relationship he or she had with the person that has died. This is where we can fit in.

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St Giles Family Support and Bereavement Service offers confidential support and counselling following a bereavement for anyone who wants it. We have a team of dedicated, specialist counsellors and support volunteers and we offer a variety of services catering for both adults and children.

Individual counselling and support This is available for adults and children and held at the Whittington Hospice, the Sutton Hospice, or, for those who may struggle to attend, at home. Transport may be available. Our bereavement counsellors and support volunteers are highly trained and receive ongoing supervision and training . Talking to someone who is trained in the art of listening can help you to express how you feel, and enable you to begin to find your own solutions to your concerns. Being heard by someone who shows empathy and acceptance can help you to explore any issues that are worrying you and may lead you to a greater understanding of your feelings, thoughts and behaviours. Support for children is provided by a bereavement counsellor, either in one-to-one counselling sessions or in sibling and family groups.

Adult Support Groups A varied programme of group work runs throughout the year. Groups have two facilitators from the Family Support and Bereavement Team and run for six sessions, with six to eight people attending. They provide an opportunity to share experiences and feelings in a safe and supportive environment. Groups may be in the evening or daytime, at the Hospice in Whittington or in Sutton Coldfield. 6

Children’s and Young People’s Workshops A rolling programme of workshops runs throughout the year at the Sutton Hospice, for children and young people who are grouped according to age. Using different activities and themes, workshops provide opportunities for six to eight bereaved members to meet and share experiences. The workshops are often followed by a social activity for children to share with their parents or guardians.

Time to Reflect and Remember Ceremonies Run by the Family Support and Bereavement Department and held twice a year at two different venues within the St Giles catchment area, these 45minute ceremonies provide an opportunity to remember those from your family and your community who have died. They include a mixture of religious and non-religious poems, readings, prayers and music.You will receive an invitation to the event nearest to you approximately one month before it will take place. At the ceremony participants are invited to display photos or other precious mementos of their loved ones and to light a candle in their memory. On each occasion, the names of those from each locality who have died since the previous ceremony are read out. 7

Useful Contacts Bereavement Advice Centre There are many practical issues to manage when someone dies. Bereavement Advice Centre supports and advises you on what you need to do next. 0800 634 9494 www.bereavementadvice.org

For bereaved parents and their families after the death of a child or children, including a siblings website: www.tcf.org.uk Helpline: 0845 123 2304 10am to 4pm and 6.30pm to 10.30pm

Citizens Advice Bureau

Cruse Bereavement Care

Lichfield: 29 Levetts Field: 01543 252730 Burntwood: 7 Cannock Road: 01543 252730 Tamworth: The Phillip Dix Centre: 01827 305950

Information about bereavement. Help for young people and schools. Information about support locally: www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk Helpline: 08444 779400 Lichfield: 01543 433479 Birmingham: 0121 687 8010 Burton: 01283 593167

Rugeley: 7 Brook Street: 01889 580633

Deceased Preference Service

Cannock: 48 Allport Road: 01543 502236

To help stop unwanted post addressed to your deceased: 0800 068 4433 www.deceasedpreferenceservice.co.uk

Walsall Walk in Centre: 19-21 Digbeth drop in. Burton Voluntary centre: www.citizensadvice.org.uk Suite 8, Anson Court, Horninglow Street 0844 8487902

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Compassionate Friends

The Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) This website has a section about social security benefits that can help you when someone dies. www.dwp.gov.uk

Marie Curie

Winston’s Wish

Can provide financial and practical information on grief and bereavement. www.mariecurie.org.uk

Helps children rebuild their lives after the death of a parent or siblings, enabling them to face the future with hope. Provides information for schools – interactive site for children. www.winstonswish.org.uk

National Association of Widows for Men and Women Learning to cope with life without your partner is a slow and painful process – run by widows for widows and widowers: 0845 8382261(local rates) www.nawidows.org.uk

www.rd4u.org.uk Website designed for young people by young people (part of Cruse Bereavement Care) includes LADS only site: Helpline: 0808 808 1677 9.30am-5pm

Samaritans Provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support 24 hours a day, for people who are experiencing feelings of distress and/or despair. Available by telephone, email or letter (please visit the website for more information). www.samaritans.org 08457 909090 Deaf or hard of hearing minicom: 08457909192 Birmingham: 0121 666 6644 Tamworth: 01827 709637

Stafford & District Bereavement & Loss Support Service 131-140 North Walls, Stafford, Staffordshire, ST16 3AD 01785 211 734

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Comments We’re always pleased to receive suggestions (including any complaints) from you and your family, as these may help us to improve our services.You may speak with any member of staff looking after you about any aspect of your support or use the form opposite. We also welcome comments about this leaflet.

Service Quality The quality of the services we offer is reviewed regularly, and we welcome your views. A quality questionnaire is available for anyone to use. Please ask a member of staff for details, or if you would like to see a copy of the latest survey results.

Regulation of the Hospice Although St Giles is an independent charity, we are regulated by the Healthcare Commission, which inspects the hospice on a regular basis to ensure we are following high standards of care. You are welcome to send comments (good or bad!) to: Care Quality Commission, National Correspondence, Citygate, Gallowgate, Newcastle Upon Tyne, NE1 4PA Telephone: 03000 616161 Email: [email protected]

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Data Protection Although we are independent of the NHS and social care services, there are occasions when we are required to exchange information about you with them. For example, each Primary Care Trust contributes to the cost of care for patients from its area and needs to know how many of their residents are receiving care. Similarly, if you need extra care at home, we have to liaise with social care services. Any information is treated in the strictest confidence, on a need to know basis only, and the greatest care is taken to protect your personal details.

Suggestions and Complaints Because we value all suggestions and comments to enable us to improve our service, you may use this sheet and either hand it in to a member of staff or post it to the Family Support and Bereavement Services Manager at St Giles Hospice (address overleaf). My comments:

Date: If you would like to add your name, you may do so here.

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St Giles Hospice St Giles Hospice is a registered charity providing individual care and support for people from across the local area with cancer and other serious life limiting illnesses. Our dedicated team offers high-quality care for patients, and support for their families and helpers. We care in a variety of ways according to the patient's individual needs. Services are offered at our three hospice facilities, in Lichfield, Sutton Coldfield and Walsall, as well as in your own home. The services at these sites vary but between them include two In-Patient facilities, Day Hospice, Lymphoedema Clinics, Complementary Therapies, supportive care programmes and out patient appointments. Our catchment area, shown on the map, ranges from Atherstone and Ashby in the east to Cannock and Walsall in the west - and from Burton on Trent and Uttoxeter in the north to Sutton Coldfield and Coleshill in the south. There is no charge to patients or families for the specialist services we offer. We receive some funds from the NHS but primarily we rely on fundraising activities, voluntary contributions and legacies. If you would like further information on our work, please refer to our website at stgileshospice.com or ask any member of staff.

St Giles Hospice, Fisherwick Road,Whittington, Lichfield,WS14 9LH Tel: 01543 432031 Fax: 01543 433346 E-mail: [email protected] web: www.stgileshospice.com Registered charity No: 509014 Published: Revised April 2010