Test 3: Writing — Essay Exemplars

Exemplar Scores Note about the scores: Two essay readers are assigned to score each essay. Each reader gives the essay a score from a low of 1 to a high of 6. The two scores are then added together to give a final essay score that ranges from a low of 2 to a high of 12. The scores given to the following essays are based on scores from only one reader. A score of 6 is the highest score that a single reader can give an essay.

Sample Essay - Score of 6 As society toils onward into its dreams of the future, the progress that accompanies this movement may be tainted by individual motives of avarice. However, as seen in various fields such as art, history, and science, the human conscience will limit the motivation of greed and inspire good works for the sake of morality. Oneʼs sense of right and wrong forever impels one to be a decent, thoughtful person. Such people widely populate the idealistic field of literature. Though novels may be rife with villainous, self-serving characters, only the heroic and moral personas emerge triumphant. For example, the wellknown literary character Huckleberry Finn, from Twainʼs Adventures of Huckleberry Finn , rescinds his claim to a sizable fortune if possessing such wealth would diminish his safety. Furthermore, Huck will risk himself to ensure the security of his close comrade Jim. His loyalty, a facet of oneʼs conscience, compels him to sacrifice his safety to ensure the well-being of others, which is more than money has accomplished in motivating Huck. Thus, a person, however fictional, considers the rewards of acting on conscience to be more fruitful than to be possessed by greed. Although such characters are fictional, the same motives of charity and morality have inspired numerous people in history to set aside their desires. Lyndon B. Johnson, Former President of the United States, pushed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 through Congress motivated by conscience and a desire to correct the immorality of racism in society. Though some Senators stridently opposed such a bill, the power of motivation by conscience impassioned Johnson to strive even harder to remain loyal to the American precepts of equality. Such is fruition of conscientious actions. Though the great figures of history seem out of reach in their stature, as an individual I am faced with moral dilemmas rather often. For example, I have been offered more weighty positions on the newspaper, but as a rule, I have always refused when there was someone better qualified than I. Consequently, their talents result in a more improved issue, thereby increasing the benefit for all.

conscience. Money, fame and power are fleeting and insubstantial, for they can never mend the integrity sacrificed to obtain them. It is only when we act in the name of what is right that all of our possible talents may benefit ourselves, our peers, and our ideals.

Score Explanation This response demonstrates clear and consistent mastery. The writer effectively and insightfully develops the point of view that "the human conscience will limit the motivation of greed and inspire good works for the sake of morality." By focusing on fictional, historical, and personal examples of conscience as a compelling force, the writer demonstrates outstanding critical thinking. The first example is the fictional character of Huckleberry Finn, whose "loyalty, a facet of one's conscience, compels him to sacrifice his safety to ensure the well-being of others." The writer then moves to the historical figure Lyndon B. Johnson, who "pushed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 through Congress motivated by conscience and a desire to correct the immorality of racism in society." Finally, the writer offers the personal example of declining "more weighty positions on the newspaper . . . when there was someone better qualified." This essay organizes these clearly appropriate examples well, demonstrating clear coherence and a smooth progression of ideas. The essay exhibits skillful use of language and demonstrates meaningful variety in sentence structure ("Money, fame, and power are fleeting and insubstantial, for they can never mend the integrity sacrificed to obtain them. It is only when we act in the name of what is right that all of our possible talents may benefit ourselves, our peers, and our ideals"). Thus, this outstanding essay receives a score of 6.

 Sample Essay - Score of 5 The naive may see conscience as a strong motivator in todayʼs society, however this idea is truely misguided. One needs only to glance at a newspaper to see horrid examples of greed. The recent corporate scandels are a prime example of this selfish motivation. One cannot claim this to be a recent trend either, literature from the past, reflective of their social attitudes, is full of examples of individualʼs acting in their own self-interest. The literature of past and current social attitudes dismiss conscience for avarice and selfishness. One word rings clear across America today: “Enron.” The energy giant that turned out to be not that big (or wealthy) after all. Through underhanded marketing techniques and outright theft, the executives of Enron brought a new face to modern greed. Looking at the destruction left behind by the collapse of this corporation, not to mention the catastrophic economic implications, it is obvious that all of the people involved were acting out of nothing but greed. This attitude seems to be wide-spread throughot corporate America today, but is it isolated to there?

Therein lies the reason why we are compelled by Page 1 of 5

Test 3: Writing — Essay Exemplars Macbeth , written around the beginning of the 17 th century by William Shakespeare, is a good parallel to the Enron fiasco. In this play, the protagonist, Macbeth, usurpes the throne through murder. Macbeth shows no true guilt for his crimes, only fear of reprisal. Macbethʼs inner desires are brought to the surface through the character of his wife. She is the antithesis of selfishness. Letting no moral or social institution get in her way, she takes whatever she feels like. These two characters reflect strongly the attitudes of todayʼs society. Throughout our history, greed has been a motive for many peopleʼs actions. Shakespeare wrote about indellible human truths, that is why his writing stands up to time so well. Greed is an indellible human truth. This does not mean all people are consumed by their greed. There are many examples of nobility and kindness throughout human history. However, we should not be so naive as to think that selfishness is a modern capitalist invention. As Gordon Gecko of the film “Wall Street” said, “Greed is good. Greed works.”

Score Explanation This essay effectively develops the point of view that, "Throughout our history, greed has been a motive for many people's actions." The writer demonstrates strong critical thinking in supporting this position first with a modern example, the Enron scandal, and then offering the instance of Macbeth to show that the motivation of greed is not "a recent trend." By describing how, "Through underhanded marketing techniques and outright theft, the executives of Enron brought a new face to modern greed," the essay develops the idea that "throughout corporate America" the attitude of greed "seems to be wide-spread." Next, the essay observes that greed is not "isolated to" corporate America and proposes Macbeth as "a good parallel to the Enron fiasco." The essay details the greed displayed by both Macbeth and Lady Macbeth to explain why, despite the play's creation "around the beginning of the 17 th century," "These two characters reflect strongly the attitudes of today's society." The essay concludes by reinforcing the idea that "Greed is an indellible human truth" not a "modern capitalistic invention." The essay exhibits facility in the use of language and demonstrates variety in sentence structure ("In this play, the protagonist, Macbeth, usurpes the throne through murder. Macbeth shows no true guilt for his crimes, only fear of reprisal. Macbeth's inner desires are brought to the surface through the character of his wife"). The ideas presented in this essay are well-organized and focused to demonstrate a progression of ideas and coherence. However, while the evidence is focused, it is at times repetitive, and therefore, further detailed and focused evidence is necessary to more insightfully develop the point of view and achieve a score of 6. This essay demonstrates reasonable consistent mastery, achieving a score of 5.

Sample Essay - Score of 5 People have an ability to determine right from wrong, unlike other unevolved creatures. This ability is what distinguishes humans from other animals. A personʼs conscience is what truly motivates him, whether he knows it or not. A perfect example of the power of oneʼs conscience can be seen in the movie Changing Lanes. In the movie, Ben Affleck and Samuel L. Jackson get into a very large dispute. Affleck is only concerned with making money while Jackson is just trying to keep his family together during the film. By the end of the movie, Affleck remains rich and successfully destroyʼs Jacksonʼs family. Even though Affleck kept his vast wealth, he realized that what he did was wrong. His conscience made him feel terrible for destroying an innocent manʼs Family just so he could keep his millions of dollars. At the end of the movie, Affleck decides to help Jackson from losing his kids because he knew that it was the right thing to do. Another example of how much more influential the conscience is than power and money can be seen in Crime and Punishment. In the novel, Raskolnikov, the protagonist, kills and robs an old lady and her sister. After the murder, Raskolnikovʼs conscience starts to eat away at his mental stability. Even though he got away with murder, and he now had much more money, his conscience constantly reminded him that he commited a sin against humanity. By the end of the novel, Raskolinikov felt so terrible for what he had done that he turned himself in. He knew that turning himself into the authorities wouldnʼt bring people back to life, but something inside of him knew that it was the beginning of the path to redemption. Clearly, oneʼs sense of right and wrong is their true source of motivation. Regardless of whether one has wealth, fame, or power, if he canʼt tell himself that he has done more good then bad, then he will never feel a true sense of happiness or fulfillment. A clear conscience is the only way for any person to get the most out of their life because the conscience is far more powerful and influential than superficial aspects of life.

Score Explanation This effective essay demonstrates strong critical thinking by focusing on the point of view that "a clear conscience is the only way for any person to get the most out of their life because the conscience is far more powerful and influential than superficial aspects of life." To support this position, the writer develops two appropriate examples. The essay first describes how, in the movie Changing Lanes, one man destroys the family of another. In the end, however, the man who caused the destruction realizes his error ("His conscience made him feel terrible for destroying an

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Test 3: Writing — Essay Exemplars innocent man's Family just so he could keep his millions of dollars") and decides to help the family he destroyed. The essay next discusses the protagonist from the book Crime and Punishment . The character commits a murder, but "his conscience constantly reminded him that he committed a sin against humanity." In the end, he turns himself in to authorities as his first step on "the path to redemption." The response is well organized and demonstrates coherence and progression of ideas. Vocabulary is appropriate and sentence variety is evident ("After the murder, Raskolnikov's conscience starts to eat away at his mental stability. Even though he got away with murder, and he now had much more money, his conscience constantly reminded him that he committed a sin against humanity"). To achieve a score of 6, this essay would need to more insightfully develop additional details and examples to support the view that a clear conscience is the way to get the most out of life. Overall, the response demonstrates reasonably consistent mastery and receives a score of 5.

Sample Essay - Score of 4 Conscience is certainly a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power. A person knows when something is right or wrong because they feel it in the conscience. This notion is used very often in literature and plays because it is something that people often donʼt realize. However, if one always follows their conscience, they will have the end result of something far better than money, fame, or power. One example of this occurs in one of my favorite plays, Proof . One of the main events in the play is that there is a very intelligent math student who finds a notebook solving a seemingly impossible mathematical proof. He happens to find the notebook in the home of his recently deceased professor, and later, the professorʼs daughter claims to have been the one to solve the proof. The conflict lies in the fact that if the student turns in the proof as his own work, he will become rich and famous for making such an amazing discovery. In the end, the student follows his conscience and returns the notebook to itʼs rightful owner, the professorʼs daughter. His conscience overpowered his desire for wealth and fame, and in the end, he knows it was the right decision. As for the reward of his following his conscience, he earns the love and friendship of the daughter. This turns out to make him far more happy than the wealth of living a lie. Proof is a prime example of how powerful a conscience can be. The student had found something that would have completely changed his life, but instead, his conscience overtook him. The conscience is the most powerful tool in determining the sense of right or wrong.

Score Explanation This essay demonstrates competent critical thinking by

developing the position that, "if one always follows their conscience, they will have the end result of something far better than money, fame, or power." To support this point of view, the writer discusses a character from a favorite play, Proof, and the conflict he faces when he finds a notebook containing the solution to a "seemingly impossible mathematical proof." The character, a math student, must decide either to claim "the proof as his own work" and "become rich and famous for making such an amazing discovery" or to follow his conscience and return the proof to the rightful owner. The essay is generally organized and focused, demonstrating some coherence and progression of ideas. The writer exhibits some facility in the use of language and displays some variety in sentence structure ("His conscience overpowered his desire for wealth and fame, and in the end, he knows it was the right decision. As for the reward of his following his conscience, he earns the love and friendship of the daughter. This turns out to make him far more happy than the wealth of living a lie"). To achieve a higher score, this essay needs to demonstrate stronger critical thinking by providing additional focused evidence to more effectively and insightfully develop the position. The essay demonstrates adequate mastery and is scored 4.

Sample Essay - Score of 4 Although some people in our world today have no sense of what is right and what is wrong, I believe that in general, conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power. One excellent example of conscience is shown in Arthur Millerʼs novel, The Crucible , John Proctor, a powerful, well-respected man of the community was accused of witchcraft. While he had the opportunity to confess in order to save his name, not to mention his life, he decided to go with his conscience and ultimately to die for what he knew was right. This shows how Proctor knew lying was wrong and he refused to do it, even if it saved his life. Another example of conscience being a powerful motivator took place on my last family vacation. My dad lost his wallet at a park and looked all over for it. Inside it had all his credit cards and a good amount of our vacation money. We were all very worried. But a few hours later, a very nice family brought my dadʼs wallet to the lost and found While the could have very easily kept it for themselves and all the money inside they listened to their conscience and decided to turn the wallet in. Another example of when conscience won over fame took place at a race I watched once. In this race there was a very fast runner who was almost garenteed to win. If he won, this race would qualify him to go to the Olympics; it was the peak of his career. But as the race began, another runner tripped over his legs. And even though the fast runner knew he could win if he kept going, he stopped to help this poor man up, forfitting

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Test 3: Writing — Essay Exemplars the race for himself. Yet this man chose to listen to his conscience rather then his desire for fame.

It is now obvious that conscience is a stronger force than the petty goals of money, fame, and power.

All three of these examples show very good kind people, who do listen to their consciences because in the end, a conscience is a more powerful motivator than, money fame, or power.

Score Explanation

Score Explanation This essay develops the point of view that "conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power." To support this position, the writer demonstrates competent critical thinking by selecting adequate examples from literature and personal experience. The essay first discusses the character John Proctor, from the play The Crucible , who was accused of witchcraft and could have confessed to save himself. Choosing instead to go with his conscience, he refused to lie, "even if it saved his life." Next, the essay relates an anecdote about a time the writer's father lost his wallet, but a family that "listened to their conscience" turned in the wallet and its contents. The final example is the writer's own observations of a fast runner who "chose to listen to his conscience rather then his desire for fame" when he stopped to help a fellow runner. The essay is generally organized and focused, demonstrating some coherence and progression of ideas. The response uses generally appropriate vocabulary and demonstrates some sentence variety ("Another example of conscience being a powerful motivator took place on my last family vacation....Inside it had all his credit cards and a good amount of our vacation money. We were all very worried"). To achieve a higher score, this essay needs to demonstrate stronger critical thinking by more insightfully and effectively developing the point of view rather than simply providing three adequate examples of conscience as a motivator. The essay demonstrates adequate mastery and receives a score of 4.

Sample Essay - Score of 3 Conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power. There is no escaping oneʼs conscience. A person may strive to achieve money, fame or power through illegal or unjust means but in the end they have no choice but to do as their conscious tells them. A prime example of the power of oneʼs conscious can be found in a work by Edgar Allen Poe. The “Tell Tale Heart” is one of Poeʼs masterpieces where a murderʼs conscience forces him to reveal himself to the police. Furthermore, the achievement of power, money, or fame causes one to want more. With these shallow needs a person can never reach satisfaction. However, one who strives to do what is right earns congradulation and peace with himself. One must only decide to use oneʼs conscience once to realize the benefits it brings.

This essay develops the point of view that "Conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power" in an inconsistent manner, with only sparse and general evidence provided as support. The writer demonstrates some critical thinking by selecting the appropriate example of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart", but offers only a vague explanation of why this is relevant support for the position ("a murder's conscience forces him to reveal himself to the police"). Further evidence consists of general statements that are inadequate to fully or consistently develop the point of view ("However, one who strives to do what is right earns congradulation and peace with himself. One must only decide to use one's conscience once to realize the benefits it brings"). While support provided is focused and organized, it is simply too brief and too vague to adequately develop the position and demonstrate clear overall coherence. The essay does exhibit developing facility in the use of language ("A person may strive to achieve money, fame, or power through illegal or unjust means but in the end they have no choice but to do as their conscious tells them"). In order to merit a higher score, this essay needs to provide additional focused and specific evidence. While this essay demonstrates developing mastery, it remains in the inadequate category, receiving a score of 3.

Sample Essay - Score of 2 Money, fame and power, it seams that it is all that people are looking at now a days. But, is it really more motivating than having clean your own conscience? In my case I would have to say “yes”, for me fame, money, and power are really one of the biggest motivations of my life. Everyday I live to the future planing what Iʼm going to do and how I want to live, and everytime I imagine my life in the future I see myself on top of a big company, having all the money that I had ever wished for. Getting to the top is not an eassy path, you might hurt some people on the way or maybe even I step on them, but the truth is that if you ever want to be one of the best, you have to fight like the best. To get to the top I have to be the best, and to be the best Iʼm motivated by money, fame, and Power.

Score Explanation This response demonstrates weak critical thinking in its attempt to develop a point of view ("for me fame, money and power are really one of the biggest motivations of my life"). The insufficient reasons that are provided are poorly organized and display serious problems with progression of ideas ("Everyday I live to the future planing what I'm going to do and how I want

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Test 3: Writing — Essay Exemplars to live and everytime I imagine my life in the future I see myself on top of a big company....Getting to the top is not an eassy path....To get to the top I have to be the best"). The essay uses very limited vocabulary and demonstrates frequent problems in sentence structure ("Getting to the top is not an eassy path, you might hurt some people on the way or maybe even I step on them, but the truth is that if you ever want to be one of the best, you have to fight like the best"). In order to achieve a higher score, this essay needs to more adequately develop its position and present a stronger progression of ideas. The response is seriously limited and merits a score of 2.

Sample Essay - Score of 1 I am disagree with this statement. Conscience is made out of money and power. In todayʼs world money is everything for the people. They donʼt care alot about anything else. Also people care about their power for example, if a country does something to its neighbor country, the people of that will want a war. They try to show their power. They donʼt sit together and solve the problem. On the other side if scientists wonʼt have money they canʼt do more science, so they need the money and power to make scince better.

Score Explanation The little evidence to support the writer's point of view ("Conscience is made out of money and power") leaves this response fundamentally lacking. The evidence provided is unfocused, resulting in a disjointed essay ("In today's world money is everything for the people. They don't care alot about anything else. Also people care about their power....On the other side if scientists won't have money they can't do more science"). To achieve a higher score, this response would have to present clearer focus and organization and provide further evidence to support its point of view. Overall, the response demonstrates very little mastery and earns a score of 1.

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