Wishing you a joyous and safe holiday season!

The Voice of PFLAG Hartford

Caring

Volume 20, No. 6

_ November/December 2011

IN THE PFLAG HARTFORD FAMILY: CONGRATULATIONS AND THANK-YOU to our PFLAG Hartford board members elected at the September Annual Meeting: John & Becky G., Joan J., Rose & Larry P., David O., Jean C., Donna S., Connie G., Mike R., Tom & Mary Beth M. THANK-YOU to our PFLAG PRIDE Volunteers: Becky & John G., Jim W., Steve B., Jean & Bob C., Tom M., Mike R. and Connie G. We handed out free booklets and sold rainbow beads to fund our yearly scholarships. PFLAG is a welcoming place for parents and friends of lesbians & gays, but we are much more than that. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and intersex people are also encouraged to attend our meetings. GLBTI people come with or without their family members, and parents and friends come with or without their GLBTI loved ones. PFLAG is for YOU! PFLAG HARTFORD MONTHLY SUPPORT GROUP MEETS: Third Wednesday of each month, 7:30 p.m., Immanuel Congregational Church House, 10 Woodland Street (Just North of Farmington Ave.), Hartford. For more information, please call Marie & Bob at (860) 633-7184 or Becky & John at (860) 633-5111. REFRESHMENT REMINDER:

MEMBERSHIP DUES:

November 16 – Bev & Bob H.

Student/Limited Income: $10

December 21 – Dusty & Mom

Household Membership: $40

January 18 - Eric & Jason

Individual Membership: $25

February 15 - Alexis & Mitch

Please make your check payable to PFLAG Hartford and Send it to Joan Jansen, 12 Colchester Commons, Colchester, CT 06415

Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays promotes the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and intersex persons and their families and friends through: SUPPORT: To cope with an adverse society EDUCATION: To enlighten an ill-informed public ADVOCACY: To end discrimination and to secure equal civil rights.

PFLAG provides an opportunity for dialogue about sexual orientation and gender identity and expression, and acts to create a society that is healthy and respectful of human diversity.

November/December 2011

Vol. 20 - No. 6

UPCOMING /ONGOING EVENTS  RAINBOWROOM: (a program of the Hartford Gay & Lesbian Health Collective) - - A welcoming place for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans and questioning "LGBTQ" teens (13-21 years old). RainbowRoom meets the third Sunday of every month, 3-6 p.m., 1841 Broad Street (Health Collective building), Hartford. For more information please visit our website at http://www.hglhc.org/ or contact [email protected] or call 860/278-4163.  HGLHC TRANSGENDER SUPPORT GROUP: Group is currently not meeting. Updated information will be posted as changes are made. More Info at: http://www.hglhc.org/ or [email protected] or call 860/278-4163.



STONEWALL SPEAKERS is an all volunteer speakers’ bureau composed of LGBT people and allies dedicated to reducing violence and bias while promoting equality for all. We speak to thousands of Connecticut students and adults annually. Listeners will meet LGBT people and their allies in person; hear candid accounts of their lives; and receive honest, informed answers to any questions they have. Let your high school, college, business, religious group or community group know we are available. For more information please contact [email protected].



CT PRIME TIMERS, an international social group of mostly retired gay men, will hold a brunch with Scott Pasfield, photographer for the book Gay in America, Sunday, November 20, noon to 3:30 pm, at the Marco Polo Restaurant in East Hartford. Cost for the buffet, including cocktails, is $20. Call Chuck Anthony at 860/646-0504 for information and reservations. DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL REPEALED by Joe Salmonese, President, HRC …September 20, 2011, will mark the end of the discriminatory “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) policy, which bans lesbian, gay, and bisexual men and women from serving openly in our armed services. Since 1993, gay Americans willing to risk their lives and serve their country in uniform have been forced to serve in silence, out of fear of being discharged. Following President Obama, the Secretary of Defense and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs’ certification of repeal two months ago, and a built-in waiting period, this discriminatory law will now formally be a thing of the past. For far too long, the ban on openly gay service members endangered our security, violated our values, and ruined lives. Tomorrow’s formal, final end of DADT is a monumental step in this movement’s history – not just for those wishing to openly serve their country, but for all Americans who believe in fairness, equality, and the right to pursue our passions free of discrimination. While we cheer the demise of this ugly law, let us also think about the thousands of men and women affected by DADT – brave soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines – some fired outright and others who just couldn’t bear the thought of living a lie, whose careers fell victim to this mistake of a law. Now, some want to return to their military careers, but face frightful uncertainty about whether or not they can reclaim their ranks or the assignments that were stolen from them. And despite this milestone, much work remains to ensure we continue toward full equality in the military. The so-called Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) prohibits the military from extending a number of benefits to the spouses of gay and lesbian service members, such as health insurance benefits. Gay and lesbian service members and their loved ones also face limitations in areas like family housing, access to legal services, spousal relocation support and an adequate infrastructure to process incidents of discrimination and harassment against gay and lesbian service members. We must also do everything we can to ensure that transgender Americans are able to serve in the U.S. military. It’s incumbent on fair-minded lawmakers to push back against discriminatory legislative actions, push for the repeal of DOMA and pay attention to military personnel matters. We all know our fight for equality is not over. Our challenges are many: from presidential candidates who’ve promised to reinstate DADT to a far-right Congress that continues to defend the equally horrific Defense of Marriage Act in court. We won’t let any of their attacks go unchallenged. HRC will keep fighting…

2011 BRILL SCHOLARSHIP WINNER, JENNA McPHAIL has also been awarded a PFLAG National Scholarship. Congratulations to Jenna and her family! Check out our July/August issue of Caring to read what Jenna has done, as an ally, to earn these scholarships by promoting equality for all students at her high school.

-2-

November/December 2011

Vol. 20 - No. 6

PFLAGers: The wars over marriage equality for same-sex couples are over in Connecticut, but are still raging in other areas of the country. Here are excerpts from a thoughtful piece that is worthy of our attention - Becky & John Observations from the Intersection of Religion, Science, Politics, and Culture September 21, 2011

WHY A FATHER OF THREE CARES ABOUT LGBT EQUALITY I am a heterosexual, married, father of three, who has lived in North Carolina for most of my life. There have been a few ugly North Carolina moments during the time I have lived here …But the ugliness that took place in North Carolina General Assembly this week was a stark reminder that, … there are a lot of people who still wish to deny rights to other citizens based on religious beliefs and misconceptions about sexuality and gender. …the NC Senate voted 30-16 to approve a proposed constitutional amendment banning any legal relationship recognition for same-sex couples. The amendment will be on the ballot in May during the Republican presidential primary. Same-sex marriage… is already illegal in North Carolina. The amendment is simply a push to put the nail in the coffin, making it extremely difficult for same-sex marriages to be legalized in the future. The issue of same-sex marriage is complicated in North Carolina, as it is in any state. According to recent survey conducted by Public Policy Polling, while most North Carolinians strongly believe that same-sex marriage should be illegal, they also strongly believe that there should not be a constitutional amendment to write that into the constitution. As conflicted as that message may be, it is clear: people may disagree on an issue, but that doesn't mean we should play political football with our constitution. I've had people ask why I am so vocal about the issue of LGBT equality. Why is a heterosexual, married father so concerned with what gay people can or can't do? I don't have a dog in this fight, do I? I find those kinds of questions to be puzzling (and telling), as if we should value the rights of one group of humans over any other group, or only be concerned with the welfare of a group to which we belong. As Elie Wiesel said, "I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." So, anyway, this is why I care (and why you should too): LGBT people are citizens. I have friends (some of whom were married in other states years ago) who love each other as dearly as I love my own wife (and who have been committed to each other for just as long). It pains me to know that there are people who reject the validity of these relationships, and who wish to deny these couples the same benefits that other married couples are afforded. These committed, same-sex couples are North Carolinians. They contribute to the economy, they pay taxes, and they certainly do not deserve to be treated as second-class citizens by anyone. Just as it is hard to believe that we once denied marriage rights to interracial couples, or voting rights to women and African-Americans, we will look back upon this time with the same disbelief and shame. Homosexuality is not a choice. Although science has not zeroed in on any one single cause, the growing body of research suggests that sexual orientation is caused by a combination of genetic, hormonal, and environmental influences. …The following major medical and professional organizations have also concluded that sexual orientation (and gender identity) is not a choice: American Psychological Association, American Psychiatric Association, National Association of Social Workers, Royal College of Psychiatrists, and American Academy of Pediatrics. If you think that all these scientists, doctors, and experts are all part of a conspiracy to advance the homosexual agenda, ask yourself this: at what point in your life did you make the choice to be heterosexual? Kids do just fine in families with same-sex parents. "All of the major professional organizations with expertise in child welfare have issued reports and resolutions in support of gay and lesbian parental rights" (Professor Judith Stacey, New York University). … If you are convinced that kids absolutely need one mom and one dad, you're a) forgetting about the many single-parent families…, b) equating 'gut feelings' with facts, c) depriving a lot of children a wonderful life with a family, a stable loving home, and the best opportunities possible. Religious arguments against same-sex marriage do not pass the Lemon Test, a three-pronged legal requirement which stipulates that a) the government's action must have a secular legislative purpose, b) the government's action must not have the primary effect of either advancing or inhibiting religion, and c) the government's action must not result in an "excessive government entanglement" with religion. I am not sure I have heard anyone make a case against same-sex marriage that did not invoke religion. … Unfortunately, anti-LGBT legislators cynically take great care to ensure that the language in their legislation is not based on a religious ground -- even though we all know it is rooted in religious dogma. … Happiness is contagious. Really. It's true. And guess what else? Acceptance of LGBT folks helps protect against depression, substance abuse, and suicide. Why in the world would anyone want to cause suffering in

-3-

November/December 2011

Vol. 20 - No. 6

others? If the answer lies in your religion, then you need to re-evaluate your religion. … Societies which embrace human reason, ethics, justice, and the search for human fulfillment are statistically happier societies. According to Gallup data, the happiest nations were Denmark, Norway, Sweden, and the Netherlands. These countries are among the least religious in the world. Coincidence? I'm not asking you to discard your religion. Just keep it to yourself, your family, and your congregation. We'll all be happier if you do. Definitions change. Society evolves. I keep hearing over and over that "we can't redefine marriage." Well, why not? We have been redefining marriage throughout history. In fact, marriage pre-dates recorded history. The Bible (which is often used to defend the 'one man'/'one woman' definition) is full of polygamous marriages. There is also a long history of recognized same-sex marriages all over the world (including, but not limited to: Egypt, Greece, Rome, Japan, India, England, Italy, and North America). Over the course of history, marriage has meant different things: Love, the granting of property rights, or the protection of bloodlines. In some cultures two men and two women have been allowed to marry. People have historically married for many different reasons: legal, social, economic, spiritual, libidinal, and religious. So stop it with your 'sacred institution' argument and open up some history books. When you say that the Bible is clear about homosexuality, you must also admit that it was also very clear about how to treat your slaves, and the uncleanliness of women during their menstrual period. Listen. Society evolves. Sometimes we leave behind the Bronze Age mentality of the men who wrote the Bible. You want your marriage to be a religious, strictly bible-based marriage? That's fine. Nobody is stopping you from having one. Don't we want less government intrusion in our lives? It's interesting that most of the people who support the ban on same-sex marriage also seem to be interested in less government intrusion. …They are furious when the government tries to tell them what they shouldn't eat, where they can or cannot smoke, or how much gas their car can guzzle. And these same people want the government to restrict the rights of someone else. …How do you reconcile your belief in a small, less intrusive government with your approval of legislation intended to restrict the rights of taxpaying citizens and to control who they should and shouldn't love? It's absurd. You want deregulation? Let's deregulate marriage. I am a father of three beautiful boys. …If any of my sons were gay, that's perfectly okay. We would accept him for who he is, and love him just the same. I don't worry about that. What I do worry about is this: if I did have a gay son, how could I explain to him that people don't want him to have the same rights as everyone else? How can I explain to him that if he wants to grow up, buy a home, and start a family, he might need to move to a state that doesn't reject him? How can I explain that people believe he is an abomination whose perverted lifestyle will lead him to an eternity in hell? How would I feel if my son killed himself because he was bullied, maligned, ridiculed, and made to feel as if he had no place in society? The only way to avoid any of our children going through this is to send a clear message that people are different and that's okay. Some families just have one mom, or one dad. Some have a mom and a dad. And some have two moms or two dads. And …if our state's leaders stop sending the message to our children that they are unwanted,…we can save the life of a child. Isn't that worth it? At the end of the day, it just makes sense. Ask yourself what you are worried about if same-sex marriage is legalized. Whatever your answer is, ask yourself if you really believe what you just came up with. Homosexuality is not going to spread. It is not communicable. Society is not going to turn into a Lady Gaga video. Most gay couples I know are just as boring as you and I. …What are you afraid of? What is going to change by allowing these people to commit to one another and enjoy the benefits that you and I enjoy: tax breaks, insurance breaks, bereavement leave, medical leave to care for a sick partner, domestic violence protection, visitation of partner in the hospital, burial determination, medical decisions on behalf of partner. Really sexy stuff. You and I take these things for granted. Nobody wants to go through life not knowing how they will deal with some of these difficult moments in life. Imagine if you were denied any of the above rights when the time came for you and your spouse to exercise that right? I'll tell you what it would feel like. It would feel like you were a second-class citizen. …There is a lot of work to be done. There are many things each of us can do. But we can't be indifferent. There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest." - Elie Wiesel

THANK-YOU to our September meeting speaker, Albert Grella. Al is an out gay man, who taught language arts and ancient history in Connecticut public schools for 35 years. He is the father of two sons; the oldest is gay. Al’s youngest brother is also gay. Al spoke not only about his own coming out process, but also about his son's. As a former teacher, Al had a number of helpful stories to share about incidents in school. He stayed for our small group discussion and was very helpful. We look forward to having Al join us at future monthly meetings.

-4-

November/December 2011

Vol. 20 - No. 6

FROM THE GLSEN CONNECTICUT CHAPTER: On July 13, Governor Dannel Malloy signed into law Public Act 11-232, legislation that takes comprehensive steps to ensure every child’s right to learn in Connecticut public schools without fear of teasing, humiliation, or assault. Connecticut's anti-discrimination law now prohibits discrimination based on gender identity and gender expression. This is great news, especially since the law now protects students in schools. Public Act No. 11-232 [pdf] - AN ACT CONCERNING THE STRENGTHENING OF SCHOOL BULLYING LAWS. New bullying legislation effective July 1, 2011. "Bullying" means (A) the repeated use by one or more students of a written, oral or electronic communication, such as cyberbullying, directed at or referring to another student attending school in the same school district, or (B) a physical act or gesture by one or more students repeatedly directed at another student attending school in the same school district, that: (i) Causes physical or emotional harm to such student or damage to such student's property, (ii) places such student in reasonable fear of harm to himself or herself, or of damage to his or her property, (iii) creates a hostile environment at school for such student, (iv) infringes on the rights of such student at school, or (v) substantially disrupts the education process or the orderly operation of a school. Bullying shall include, but not be limited to, a written, oral or electronic communication or physical act or gesture based on any actual or perceived differentiating characteristic, such as race, color, religion, ancestry, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, socioeconomic status, academic status, physical appearance, or mental, physical, developmental or sensory disability, or by association with an individual or group who has or is perceived to have one or more of such characteristics.

YOU CAN HELP OPPRESSED LGBT PEOPLE IN GHANA This past August I visited Ghana, currently in the throes of a virulent public campaign against homosexuality, which was reignited last spring when a journalist, looking into an HIV prevention outreach effort, published an article under the inflammatory headline, “8000 Homos Identified.” Politicians and religious leaders responded with an escalation of rhetoric even unto calls for homosexuals to be identified, arrested and locked up – with a further stipulation that neighbors and family members should face arrest for neglecting to report a known or suspected homosexual. In the midst of all the fury, the organization doing HIV prevention continues its work, and is even expanding its outreach team. The group specifically targeted for education is the msm ("men who have sex with men", which bypasses terms like "gay" or "bi") population in southern Ghana, whose members are well hidden and, beyond a certain age, mostly married to women. While USAID has funded some of the group’s prevention work, it is not interested in funding the equally important social work of building a more knowledgeable and self-respecting, and self-acknowledging msm population, which would also help contain HIV. The director of the outreach team tells me that he is interested in opening dialogues with organizations and activists in the States, so that his team can learn strategies for helping the msm community. Ultimately, he would like to send some of his lively team here to meet people working on gay issues, and he would welcome delegations who might wish to visit Ghana to see the situation there. He has also asked me to put out a call for books and laptops that might be donated to the organization’s library, so that young people can have access to good information on the shelf and do research online. Anyone who might wish to get involved with any aspect of this project is welcome to bring ideas to a PFLAG Hartford meeting or to write to me, the son of two members. You may contact me at [email protected]. Thanks for your interest – Mark (On October 25, the PFLAG Hartford Board was pleased to vote to support this effort with a $400 contribution.) PRESIDENT OBAMA ADDRESSES GAY AND LESBIAN RIGHTS AT UN COUNCIL For the first time, our President is calling for global equality for gay and lesbian people. This historic statement was heard September 21 at the United Nations General Assembly. President Obama stated: “No country should deny people their rights to freedom of speech and freedom of religion, but also no country should deny people their rights because of who they love, which is why we must stand up for the rights of gays and lesbians everywhere.” PFLAG National is incredibly pleased to see our President make a public statement for lesbian and gay equality at the UN Council. This bold move inspires hope for a progressive future within our country as well as the world as a whole.

-5-

November/December 2011

Vol. 20 - No. 6

PFLAG Hartford member Bob Rader has written another wonderful article for the CABE Journal. Here it is: A PERSONAL JOURNEY: MY “DAUGHTER” BECOMES MY SON by Robert Rader Last spring, the Legislature broadened our nondiscrimination statutes to unambiguously cover discrimination on the basis of sexual identity or expression (PA 11-55). Thus the law now provides that those who are transgender or who have different gender identities are protected with the same rights as others. So, Connecticut has now taken the same step as at least 13 other states which have made the decision to provide the same protection afforded to those who are not transgender. I am proud that CABE has long included in its sample policies language that students who are transgender have the same rights as any other students. All students, no matter their gender or sexual identity, should be protected against harassment, bullying or discrimination due to who they are. I have written before in the CABE Journal about our child who announced to us in tenth grade that she was gay. A year and a half later, he told us he was transgender and had always thought of herself that way—a boy in a girl’s body. And, he wanted to be called “Dustin”, not his old name, which he now hates so much he asked me not to include it. Dusty told me that as a student in the Glastonbury Public Schools, he never faced harassment. On the contrary, teachers and students made his school experiences comfortable. Though I personally strongly support the new law, the truth is that, like any other kind of discrimination, in a perfect world, there should be no need for a law. And, I think that as the students of today become the adults and parents of tomorrow, there will be less discrimination and a better, healthier understanding of both differences and diversity. As a parent, the years since Dusty first came out have led to some unforeseen situations. As my friends have told me, you really can’t foresee what will happen as your child announces he’s/she’s gay. Imagine if your child then says, she is really a boy! For my wife, Megan, and I, it has truly been a time of testing our beliefs and emotions. For instance, seeing my blond-haired daughter go to the prom in a tuxedo with a girl, watching him go through the changes brought about by testosterone and surgery have not been easy. I have been at support-group meetings with parents who recently learned that their child was gay or transgender. They have the “deer in the headlight” look. They have no idea how to deal with their new reality. Like us, they want to be supportive but are still going through the shock of what this huge change means. While perhaps not admitting it, they are often confused and feeling guilty, as if something they did must have caused the change. They want to be supportive of their child--- they just don’t know how. Often, there are psychological issues that the parents and the child have to work through. You can imagine the effect of a child keeping a personally important secret until he or she felt they could be open about it with their parents. Some never will reach this point—there is huge fear about how their parents will react. Picture a man of 50 still not having talked about this with his parents. I’ve seen it. I have had friends who have said that my wife, Megan, and I are “brave” or “courageous” for so openly talking about Dusty and how we are so supportive of him. I just don’t see it that way. Brave is what my son is for being so open about this whole area. And, we would not be so open, except that Dusty approves and has been a leader and very helpful to other people with gender identity issues. How can you not be proud of a child like that? Don’t get me wrong--it has not been easy. Your dreams of walking your child down the aisle at a traditional wedding or of her giving birth are now changed into, well, we’ll see what the future brings. That’s because Megan and I don’t know exactly what to expect. But, when you see your child so happy, so certain that the physical changes allow them to be the same on the outside as they are on the inside, the parent’s uncertainty, queasiness and fear disappear. The happiness just sort of takes over and the love you have for your child kicks right in. You can foresee success and more important, happiness for him. It just feels right to him… and to us. We are lucky to live in a country where people can be who they are even if they are not traditional. As more people have come forward on these issues, more people now understand that gender identity is not a choice, for who would choose to go through what those who are transgender have? This issue is more about protecting the basic value of a human being and providing the nurturing any person growing up deserves. And, I am proud that the State has now seen to recognize these basic civil rights for all citizens—even if they are different.

-6-

November/December 2011

Vol. 20 - No. 6

PROFESSIONAL SERVICES DIRECTORY: If you would like to advertise your business/service in Caring for one year (6 issues), send your business card and a check for $40 (made payable to PFLAG Hartford) to: Jean Cormier, 156 Randal Avenue, West Hartford, CT 06110. Your Patronage of our advertisers, who help us pay the costs of sending the Caring newsletter to you, would be greatly appreciated by them and by us. Please mention that you saw their advertisement in Caring.

-7-

November/December 2011

Vol. 20 - No. 6

Connecticut PFLAG Meetings PFLAG HARTFORD: Information on front page or at our website: www.pflaghartford.org Helpline: (860) 633-7184 Phone: (860) 633-5111 Transgender Issues: (860) 231-8582 PFLAG SOUTHWESTERN CT When: 7:30 pm, 1st Wednesday (bi-monthly) Jan./Mar./May/July/Sept./Nov. Where: Triangle Community Center 16 River Street (lower level) Norwalk Help Line: (203) 226-0257 - Westport (203) 322-5380 – Stamford (203) 925-0445- Shelton (203) 847-9183 - Norwalk Email: [email protected]

CARING IS THE BI-MONTHLY NEWSLETTER OF PFLAG HARTFORD Editor/Circulation Manager: Jean Cormier

Caring welcomes articles, letters and other submissions for publication. Deadline: 15th of even numbered months. Send articles to: Jean Cormier 156 Randal Avenue, West Hartford, CT 06110

PFLAG SECT (SOUTHEASTERN CT) When: Second Monday of every month, Potluck at 6:00 pm; Meeting at 7:00 pm Where: Noank Baptist Church, 18 Cathedral Heights, Noank (Groton) Helpline: (860) 447-0884 Email: [email protected] Web site: www.pflagsect.org PFLAG GREATER NEW HAVEN 166 Lovers Lane, Guilford, CT 06437 Meeting: 3rd Tuesday of the Month, 7:30 pm Church of the Redeemer 185 Cold Spring Street, New Haven (Corner of Whitney Avenue) Phone/Help Line (203) 458-0493 Email: [email protected]

DECEMBER 22 FIRST DAY OF WINTER

Central and Western Massachusetts PFLAG FRANKLIN-HAMPSHIRE CHAPTER Northhampton When: Second Tuesday of every month Where: Highland Valley Elder Services, Cutlery Building, 320 Riverside Drive Helpline: 413/625-6636 Email: [email protected] Williamstown Area: When: Second Sunday of every month, 2 pm Where: First Congregational Church, Williamstown Contact: (413) 243-2382 Springfield Area: Where: Agawam Contact: (413) 732-3240 or (413) 783-7709 Greenfield, MA Help Line: 413/625-6636 E-Mail: [email protected]

STRAIGHT SPOUSE SUPPORT NETWORK: In Connecticut and Western Massachusetts Monthly Support Group, Third Sunday, West Hartford, CT. Contact Jane Harris at (413) 625-6636 or [email protected]

or at www.straightspouse.org

FOR OTHER PFLAG LOCATIONS Contact a Hartford Chapter Board Member or call the National PFLAG office at (202)638-4200. You may also sign onto PFLAG’s Home Page at www.pflag.org.

-8-