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Stunned by Grief

They may experience heart palpitations, or their chests may hurt so badly they think they are having a heart attack. They may be unable to eat or sleep—or they may want to eat or sleep too much. They may have upset stomachs, headaches, or dizziness. The physical and emotional symptoms seem endless. Grief affects a person physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually . . . it affects every area of one’s life. At different times during my grief, I experienced all of these effects. Given the severe upheaval brought on by grief, you can begin to grasp the importance of learning to deal with it positively. Dangers of Unresolved Grief When we avoid grief, its effects linger indefinitely and adversely affect us until we find resolution in a healthy way. Unresolved grief is the root of many problems people face such as divorce, other relational issues, addictions, depression, and various physical ailments. Unresolved grief is a serious matter. Unhealed wounds turn into stumbling blocks that must be rationalized, defended, covered up, compensated for, and hidden behind—and these wounds are detriments to living well. In his book, Healing Is a Choice, Stephen Arterburn discusses ungrieved losses and unresolved pain. He explains it in this way: . . . We must never shame a person who does not or cannot instantly feel the joy that awaits him or her on the other side of pain and agony. We must give them the kind of opportunity Jesus had to work through the pain and reality of suffering. If we do not, we push people into a place where they walk around with ungrieved losses and unresolved pain. This pain is never buried dead. It is buried alive and must be fed every day. It will drive

How Do I Respond to Grief?

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a person to eat, drink, spend money, have sex, gamble, and do a thousand other things for relief. You must feel before you can heal, or you will stay wounded Grief affects every and in turn wound others who get too close. area of one’s life. John Welshons, in his book, Awakening from Grief, also talks about the danger of unresolved losses over time. Welshons writes, Every loss in our lives forces us, to some extent, to reexperience the grief we have carried with us for all of life’s unresolved losses. More than ever, since unresolved pain is cumulative, its consequences stir us to suitably deal with grief as we encounter it. To promote healthy relationships and overall well-being, and to prevent having to experience the pain repeatedly, we would be wise to do the work of grief as losses occur. The Power of Resolved Grief Grief is not your enemy. If you choose, grief can become a catalyst for healthy and positive changes. Grief can sharpen your perception of relationships and awareness of important aspects of your own life. Resolved grief has the power to deepen your faith and enrich your life. But resolved grief takes time. Growth is usually scary (regardless of its motivation) and requires one to step into uncharted territory filled with uncertainty. The process of resolving grief is neither simple nor fast, nor comfortable. Yet, a good outcome from your “leap in the dark” is surely doable.

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Stunned by Grief

God has promised to bring beauty from our ashes. But healing is our choice. God will not force us to accept this option, even though He wants the best for us. When we agree to our role in the process and choose healing, He will bring something worthwhile out of our deepest pain. Read the words of God’s promise of love, joy, and restoration in the following verses from Jeremiah:

All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience. —Henry Miller

God told them, “I’ve never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love! . . . I’ll convert their weeping into laughter, lavishing comfort, invading their grief with joy.”

—Jeremiah 31:3, 13 (MSG)

When grief is at its worst, to say it’s intense is an understatement. Consuming is a more accurate description. Seeing beyond the pain is sometimes impossible. But be gentle with yourself—because grief is complex and acceptance of reality takes time. Keep remembering that God promises restoration . . . renewal . . . and new joy. The pain of grief never goes completely away—but if you refuse to give up, and if you allow healing to progress, God will bring something valuable out of your deeply painful experience. At times, you will want to give up. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I can’t. The path is demanding, so please be stubbornly persistent and continue to travel, even if you must go slowly. Whatever you do and whatever it takes, decide not to give up. Keep reminding yourself that something good can come out of your pain. I am living proof of this truth. And so are many others whom I know.

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Trust one who has gone through it. —Virgil

Until you are able to believe the truth for yourself, trust in the reality of others who have already traveled beyond where you are now. If others have made it through, so can you. If something good has happened for them, Grief is not your something good can also happen for you. enemy. Believe these truths.

Discuss any weights you have released or that you need to release.

T h ou ght to W r ite A b ou t

Discuss any unresolved losses.

u

Hope Thought:

You will never change what you accept or allow. Don’t let comfort or neglect lull you into accepting something destructive. Everything around you may be falling apart, but if you remain strong, God will see your determination and reward your faith. Suppressed grief suffocates, it rages within the breast, and is forced to multiply its strength. —Ovid