Good Grief of Kansas, Inc.

2622 W. Central - Suite 108, Wichita, KS 67203 Website: www.goodgriefofkansas.org

316-612-0700 December 2016 Email: [email protected]

Coping with Christmas Grief is like periodontitis: it gets right down to the root of your nerves. And once they are exposed, well, then even the tiniest spoon of ice-cream or a mere sip of hot coffee makes you flinch with pain. Should this condition coincide with the holiday season, with its additional socioculinary emphasis on hot and cold, sweet and more sweet, you have all the ingredients for abject misery: you may feel reluctant to participate in anticipation of the pain you have learned to expect, and you may also feel lonely and isolated as people around you fail to understand the extent of your – invisible – anguish. It is helpful to understand why Christmas is so tough on the bereaved. Several factors converge here. Ever since the loss of your loved ones, numerous Sundays and Thursdays, first and last days of the week, new months have come and gone. We have developed a certain routine in coping with “normal” dates. Not so with Christmas. It poses a new situation. Not only that, but the holidays are intimately associated with family. To those of us who have lost a close relative, Christmas seems to serve only as an especially painful reminder of how our lives have changed. For many of us, the already highly emotionallycharged event of Christmas will be further marred if the death of our dear ones occurred around that time. We struggle to juggle anniversary time with celebrations, memories of Christmas past with Christmas present. At the same time, we might still need to function, do the Christmas thing, for other members of the family, regardless of the sap to our own energy in this dark time of the year. And there is another thing. All of this goes on forever. The building up to Christmas, the day itself, the aftermath, New Year. It is all pervading. Everywhere we go, festive lights, abseiling Santa's, strains of “Dreaming of a White Christmas,” and constant rejoinders of have a “really merry Christmas” produce that familiar dull ache. Christmas is a real pain.

So what can we do? After experimenting through five Christmas seasons and conferring with assorted bereaved friends, I have come up with the following strategies, suggestions or adjustments. Remind yourself – frequently – that the holidays constitute an exceptional situation which, however, is restricted to a foreseeable period of time. They will pass. Put the holidays in their place. By that I mean, cut them (and the potential agony) down to December 24 and/or 25. You can achieve that by reducing preparations to a minimum and simply keeping those additional festivities, such as over-cheerful office parties, at bay. Conserve your energy. If your family situation allows, you might consider eliminating Christmas from your calendar altogether. Going away on vacation would be the ideal solution – if it brings relief, why not? It doesn’t have to become a fixed routine. You can still involve your loved ones in Christmas: e.g. each December my son receives a new present (a new dried flower arrangement, picture frame, plants for the grave, etc.) from me. Any Christmas cards that turn up, we display in his corner of the living room. In my head – and sometimes out of it – I have long chats with him about what we are doing. It helps to imagine that he somehow gets the picture and so remains an integral part of our family Christmas. If Christmas Day gets you down, pour your thoughts out onto paper. Memories of shared holidays, how you feel today, anything you like. Dedicate them to your loved one, seal them in an envelope and keep it near you until the holidays are over. They are your “lifelines.” Above all, remember this, if the going gets tough: toothache is inevitably at its excruciating worst as soon as the dental office has just closed for the weekend. Come Monday morning, it has miraculously disappeared. by Sue Grant

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316-612-0700

On Going SELF-HELP SUPPORT GROUPS Mondays: 7:00 - 8:30 PM

You are welcome to attend any support group of your choice. It is normal to feel confused, forgetful, crazy, lost and alone, plus a wide range of other emotions. It may not feel like it just now, but it does get better . . . let us help. Please commit to attend at least three times. The first two times may be difficult but you will begin to feel a difference in your grieving as you are able to share about your loss and other issues that come along at this time. You might want to visit several groups until you find the one you feel most comfortable with.

SOUTH WICHITA

Grace Baptist Church – (1414 W Pawnee) Facilitators: Bob & Connie Westerfield

Mondays: 7:15 - 8:45 PM

**NEW LOCATION & TIME** Beginning December 5, 2016

EAST WICHITA

East Point Church of Christ - (747 N 127th Street E) Go to separate building north of playground Facilitators: Adrienne Massey & Melissa Warnken

Tuesdays: 10:00 - 11:30 AM

CENTRAL WICHITA

RiverWalk Church of Christ - Use South Office Entrance, Fireside Room (225 N Waco) Facilitators: Marjorie Watkins, Jack Elder & Nada Canfield

Tuesdays: 7:00 - 8:30 PM

DERBY

Derby Woodlawn United Methodist Church - Room 15E (Woodlawn & Kay St.) Facilitator: Kathy Thomas

Tuesdays: 7:00 - 8:30 PM

WEST WICHITA

BAD WEATHER POLICY

Faith Renewal Church (formerly West Towne Baptist) - (2000 N Maize Rd.) Facilitators: Evelyn Reece & Carmen Suter

Wednesdays: 7:00 - 8:00 PM

No group meetings will be held: Wichita: If the Emergency Accident Reporting Plan is in effect.

CENTRAL WICHITA

W.A.Y. Widowed and Young (Ages 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s) Nursery available for infants through age 2. Ages 3 and up welcome to participate in church Bible classes or teen groups RiverWalk Church of Christ - Use SW entrance door, Fireside Room (225 N Waco) Facilitators: Frank Jarmer & Cathy Sexton

SUICIDE SURVIVORS

Outside Wichita: Check with your facilitator. Never put yourself at risk. If you think the streets are too dangerous to drive on, do not attend the meeting.

CENTRAL WICHITA

Mondays: 7:00 - 8:00 PM RiverWalk Church of Christ - (225 N Waco) Use SW entrance door (door closest to the river). Look for the Good Grief sign on the door. If the door is locked, please knock loudly. Room 106. Please call the facilitators for more information or to make your reservation. This group is for those who have suffered the loss of a loved one through suicide. Facilitator: Jim Yoder 316-727-0663

OFFICE SUPPLY NEEDS: Envelopes: # 6¾ Security and #10 Std Pastel Colored Paper - Cream: 8½ x 11, 24 lb

If you or someone you know is in need of help, be sure to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255.

Thursdays: Breakfast at 9:00 AM (new) IHOP - 11855 E Kellogg Drive (Hostesses: Cindy Swan, Adrienne Massey)

Good Grief News

Saturdays: Breakfast at 10:00 AM Spears Restaurant 4823 West Maple (Hostess: Janet Cook)

Thursdays: Lunch/Brunch at 10:00 AM Spears Restaurant - 4823 West Maple (Host/Hostess: Chuck & Beth Holdeman) OR Country breakfast Café - 2804 S Seneca Street (Host/Hostess: John & Lois Pardee)

Good Grief News

www.goodgriefofkansas.org

316-612-0700

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December 2016 Sun 27

Mon 28

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Wed 30 W.A.Y. Group

Survivors of Suicide 7:00 pm

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Survivors of Suicide 7:00 pm

W.A.Y. Group

EAST GROUP begins meeting AT NEW LOCATION 11

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1 (new location) 2 Breakfast 9 am IHOP Brunch/Lunch 10 am Spears or Country Café

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6:00 pm CHRISTMAS PARTY RiverWalk Church of Christ

9 8 Breakfast 9 am IHOP Brunch/Lunch 10 am Spears or Country Café

Breakfast 10 am Spears Restaurant

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Breakfast 10 am Spears Restaurant

TLC-Village Inn (west) 5:00 PM 14

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15 16 Breakfast 9 am IHOP Brunch/Lunch 10 am Spears or Country Café

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W.A.Y. Group

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W.A.Y. Group

23 22 Breakfast 9 am IHOP Brunch/Lunch 10 am Spears or Country Café

29 30 Breakfast 9 am IHOP Brunch/Lunch 10 am Spears or Country Café

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Survivors of Suicide 7:00 pm

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Good Grief of Kansas

Friday, December 2nd, 2016 - 6:00 pm RiverWalk Church of Christ - 225 N Waco, Wichita (use NW door, river side of building)

Please bring finger food or dessert to share. Bring a wrapped white elephant gift to exchange. No Charge Guests Welcome

Breakfast 10 am Spears Restaurant

Breakfast 10 am Spears Restaurant

Breakfast 10 am Spears Restaurant

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316-612-0700

Contributions for last month(s) totaled $1,020.00

Good Grief News

December

THANK YOU for your donation which makes it possible for Good Grief of Kansas to continue to serve the bereaved.

November Contributors:

Mary Belcher Dave Bloir Martha Bradley Bill Crow Janet Cunningham Sharon Dunning Rob Evans Donna Garver Marge Glazier Beth Goldsby Peggy Grell Bob Hirschmann Chuck Holdeman Marsha Huffman Charles & Sharon Ingrim Ted McMurphy Diane Newcome Galen Norby Mary Piotrowski Norman Ritter Terry Sauer Carmen Suter Ron Zafuta Memorial tributes and gifts always welcome. Note: For memorials with a special remembrance date, submit information one month early for timely publication.

Memorial Gifts In Loving Memory

A. J. Belcher 12-30-2009 We can’t believe where time has gone, but we still miss you so much. Love you,

By Mary & Michele Belcher

Ralph H. Bradley By Martha L. Bradley

Angel Evans By Robbie Evans

My Family By Peggy Grell

Phyllis L Gadaire-Sauer 12-11-2003

By Terry L. Sauer

Pam Somers memorial By Marsha Huffman, Charles & Sharon Ingrim, Galen Norby Love Gifts At this time there are no dues or fees to belong to Good Grief. However, your gift is very important. We depend on donations from individuals and organizations to meet our program expenses and to keep the Good Grief office open. Please help make sure that others who need Good Grief will hear the message that we can and will help them through their grief. Gifts may be designated in honor or memory of a special individual or occasion. We also appreciate monetary gifts to help with the expense of producing and mailing this newsletter.

Peggy Green ............................. 1 Betty Tatro ................................ 2 Sharon Koller ............................ 3 Jenny Robberson ...................... 3 Andrew Denning ....................... 4 Megan Menhusen .................... 4 Ashley Monares ........................ 5 Shalom Nickel ........................... 5 Michelle Foster ......................... 6 Susan Crisp ............................... 7 Rhonda Hinkle .......................... 7 Stephanie Parker ...................... 7 Craig Burris ............................... 8 Connie Eugea ............................ 8 Lynda Applegate ....................... 9 Bonnie Cope ............................. 9 Mickey Bowie ......................... 14 Pat Joy Doherty ...................... 14 Chuck Watkins ........................ 15 Ron Veatch ............................. 17 Carol Griffin ............................ 18 Gaylene Shoup ....................... 18 Connie Boone ......................... 19 Linsey Hutchinson .................. 20 Marge Bauers ......................... 21 Amanda Little ......................... 21 Jackie Evans ............................ 23 Sharon Kay Jefferson .............. 23 Rachel Miller ........................... 23 Phil Moorhouse ...................... 24 Lea Capps ............................... 25 Carol Pearce ........................... 25 Bob Hirschmann ..................... 26 Lance Smith ............................ 26 Melissa Warnken .................... 26 Jim Commerford ..................... 27 Jack Morris ............................. 27 Carolyn Stanek ........................ 27 Martha Bradley ....................... 28 Debbi Rosendale .................... 28 Karen Siegrist .......................... 28 Deb Tresner ............................ 29 Darlene Von Feldt ................... 30

Good Grief News

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Christmas Roses No family get-together is complete without someone beginning a conversation with “Remember when…” My children take special delight in recounting some of my past follies. One of their favorite stories involves my habit of forgetting where I hide gifts. When the children were small, I blamed Santa for any gift that “miraculously” showed up after Christmas. “He left them on the roof,” I’d say or, “Santa was too tired to bring them down the chimney.” These stories are told every year without fail - and, to this day, Santa still leaves a gift or two on the “roof.” Our treasure chest of family memories will be shared and laughed over long after my husband and I are gone. Italian novelist, Italo Svevo, “God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.” Those of us in grief sometimes find more thorns than roses that first Christmas alone; memories bring more pain than pleasure. It takes time and sometimes several Christmases before memories bring smiles instead of tears, but don’t let this keep you from sharing your family stories. You may be surprised to find that a single “rose” inspires a whole bouquet of laughter. by Margaret Brownley, Simi Valley, CA Bereavement Magazine Nov/Dec 2003

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Christmas Christmas without you Lurks outside, squatting A few hours, like steps away. At one point I thought maybe, If we didn’t get together, It wouldn’t be as bad As seeing every familiar face there, Except yours. But I know that wouldn’t be fair to your grandchildren, Who love every occasion that brings them together. Worse, it would be the coward’s way out. I know you wouldn’t want that. So, in your honor As much as to honor Jesus’ birth, Tomorrow, we will gather As we always have on Christmas, Despite you not being there Except in spirit. Tomorrow, I will share Christmas with family. We will be together, as you always wanted. Tonight, alone, I’ll let go, Embrace the sadness, Shed the tears. Tomorrow, I will smile For Christmas And for you. - Joyce L. E. Kaaihue Honolulu, HI

First Holiday We lit a candle today, To fill the empty place where you should be but aren’t… I stood with my hands cupping the flame and felt the heat… the energy… Empty space between the fire and flesh Nothing visible Nothing to see… And yet I knew it was there the energy touched my skin. And so it was with you today. Nothing visible-nothing to see. And yet I knew you were here. Your energy touching my heart. - by Sandy Goodman

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316-612-0700

Room for Yourself: Creating Traditions in Grief Reflecting upon the traditions that may have pooled together in your childhood, how many have remained? If you have melded families together, then traditions have probably been remixed and sprinkled with others as children grow, as ‘artifacts’ of past holidays are passed to the younger generation. Tradition may be what is celebrated; how it is celebrated and where it is celebrated is just as important. Traditions may not be where you go, but what you prepare for food or make or what items you place seasonally in a place of recognition for significant remembrance or ritual. Some families may not celebrate wedding anniversaries, some may always gather together for them. Some families may, each and every year, go to the Nutcracker to kick off the Christmas season, even thou not one of them can dance! Grief, in itself, can mark such a time, such a remembrance, counting the days or months from the event that changed our lives. It can resemble the young mother who says her infant is 12 weeks old, or envision its arrival as three months. Marking our grief may also begin a tradition for some. Is it a tradition that uplifts you or that holds you down? Looking at our progress rather than our past can prove empowering. Do you mark each day, each month, with gray laden notches on a stick or place that stick, that you thought was dead, into crystal clear water and watch the small threadlike roots reach downward in the translucent vase and small sprouts of green rise upward? Your growth is always

possible, each day, each moment. In grief, recognizing the growth in ourselves may seem impossible. Finding a way to celebrate our progress, creating a new tradition for ourselves can be fulfilling and as fun as the young child looking forward to the stockings being hung by the chimney, with care. What can you envision as a ‘reward’ or festive tradition on this grief journey for you? A few suggestions follow that may buoy you up or add to ways you support yourself: Get pampered. A manicure, pedicure, massage or a wonderful close shave and facial for the guys. TCL never hurt anyone.  Go to a hotel. Rent a movie, get room service and buy yourself a new silk robe.  Picnic Hamper. Have a local deli create a surprise picnic for you. Let them know what kinds of things you like. Grab an old sheet or tablecloth and book, invite a young child to be your guest. Remember the bubbles.  Scent and Sentiment. Find a small votive candle you enjoy and accompany it with a short poem or affirmation. Place them into a beautiful box or silky bag. Each month, hunt for another candle or phrase to place in the container of your choice. This monthly scavenger hunt is fun. On your celebration day, you may again delight in your discovery. If you are like me, I often forget what I have bought!  Reach outward. There are many organizations where you can celebrate your progress by a monetary donation and help others progress as well, in their dreams and independence. Two of my favorites are the Heifer Project and Kiva. With your donations to the Heifer Project, you can purchase baby 

chicks, goats, sheep and other livestock. The individual receiving such an animal agrees to nurture and raise more animals to donate to others. The circle widens in sharing and growth. The other organization, called Kiva, allows you to select the individual or individuals you wish to support with a loan. Others will often join you to support such a loan. The individual receiving the loan has a certain timetable in which to repay you. As you are repaid, you can elect to receive the money back or to reinvest it with someone else of your selection. It has been a rewarding experience for me.  Take away and add on. If a family tradition is daunting for you, consider taking part of it away and adding on with something else. It may be that you do not ‘hold’ New Year’s Day dinner this year and celebrate it at a restaurant instead. Maybe the giant Christmas tree is replaced with a miniature one this year and you shop for new ornaments for it. Maybe this is the Easter that you go on the cruise you have dreamed about, with your choice to be involved in multiple activities or to be on deck with a book and blanket. Expect the unexpected, but expect that you deserve to celebrate your journey marker in grief in style and comfort. Forget about ‘surviving the holidays’ and ‘surf the holidays,’ riding high on the waves of your journey! By Susan W. Reynolds

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Lights

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DILLONS COMMUNITY REWARDS

The holidays are a time of many lights, yet the holidays may also be the darkest days for people who are grieving. Although it may seem that everyone else is happy and lighthearted during the holiday season, we know that many people are not only grieving the death of someone they loved, but many other kinds of losses as well, including the loss of hope. I am reminded of the October fogs here in the Seattle area. The sun comes out in the afternoon and things look wonderful until the fog returns at night. We always hope that the next day will repeat the procedure...happy for whatever brief sunlight we can see. It’s somewhat like the respite from grieving we begin to experience when the pain lifts for a few minutes. The grief becomes more bearable when we know that in exchange for hours of hurt, there can be moments of peace and hope. We hope that while the holidays may be painful for you, they will also bring the realization that you have the opportunity to exercise the choices and make decisions about how you will spend this time. This may be the best gift of all the opportunity to begin to take charge and direct the course your life will take, if only by one small step at a time. The candles can be reminders that as time passes, what began as a view of a frighteningly dark future, may finally be seen in the light of your own personal growth toward adjustment to the death of your loved one. Just as the rain passes and a single ray of sunlight at first illuminates only a tiny spot in the dark landscape, light will return to your life, bit by bit. Take heart and try not to be too afraid of the dark. Look for the candles along the way to give you hope for a brighter new year.

Dillons Plus Card Instructions Step 1: Go online to www.dillons.com Step 2: (If you already have an online account please go to instruction below.) Click on Community/then Community Rewards. Click on Create Account, enter email address and password, select preferred store, then click on create account at the bottom of the page. Step 3: Add Dillons Plus Shoppers Card - Enter the 12 digit number from the back of your Dillons Plus Card or alternate phone number and your last name, then click on save. Step 4: This will bring up Account Summary page, scroll to bottom of page and at Community Rewards, Click Edit button. Step 5: You will be asked your organization number enter 10192 or Goo to see organization name, select, then click on “enroll to complete your enrollment”. You are done! Every time you use your Dillons card, your total $$’s will be credited to Good Grief of Kansas. Ask your friends & family to select us too!

Already have a Dillons Account? Step 1: Go online to www.dillons.com Step 2: Click on Community/then Community Rewards Step 3: Sign In - enter email and password, then enroll now. Step 4: You will be asked your organization number enter 10192 or Goo to see organization name, select, then click on “enroll to complete your enrollment”. You are done! Every time you use your Dillons card, your total $$’s will be credited to Good Grief of Kansas. Ask your friends & family to select us too! If you have any problems, please call the Good Grief office and leave a message. More details may be found on the Good Grief website.

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Good Grief Christmas Party Friday, December 2, 2016 (see details on page 3) Attention: Amazon Shoppers! Good Grief of Kansas is now registered with Amazon Smile. Here’s the link. http://smile.amazon.com/ch/48-1134597

www.goodgriefofkansas.org

Program Outreach:

Executive Board Rick Cline, President Kelly Blades, Secretary Mary Evans, Treasurer Board Members Marilyn Nichols Merri Reed Ted Swan

Program Director Janet Cook

Founder Phyllis L. Gadaire-Sauer Office Manager Donna Rhodes Trainers, Facilitators & Substitutes Nada Canfield Janet Cook Thomas Downer Jack Elder Rhonda Hinkle Beth Holdeman Frank Jarmer Adrienne Massey John Pardee Lois Pardee Mary Piotrowski

316-612-0700

Evelyn Reece Cathy Sexton Debbie Selsor Carmen Suter Cindy Swan Kathy Thomas Marjorie Watkins Melissa Warnken Bob Westerfield Connie Westerfield Bonnie Workman Jim Yoder

Mission Statement: Good Grief of Kansas provides grief support for persons who have lost a loved one through death.

 Widowed Support Group  Suicide Loss Support  Other Adult Family Loss Support (parent/child)  Social Support  Seminars/Workshops  Community Presentations  Counseling Referrals

Good Grief of Kansas is a TAX EXEMPT non-profit 501(c)(3) organization funded by:

 Memorials, Gifts & Donations To be REMOVED from this mailing, call 316-612-0700 or email your name and address as it appears on your mailing label to [email protected] and put “remove from mailing” in the subject line. Newsletters may be viewed on-line by going to www.goodgriefofkansas.org.

Good Grief News This agency uses the Kansas relay service. TDD 1-800-766-3777

Good Grief of Kansas, Inc. does not discriminate on the basis of race, religion, color, national origin, sexual orientation, sex, age or disability. If you feel that you have been discriminated against, you have the right to file a complaint with Good Grief of Kansas, Inc. by mail or to [email protected].

Marge Glazier

Century 21 Grigsby Cell 316-648-7415 Office 316-978-9200 Marge Glazier, Broker Associate