Conflict Resolution in the BDSM Community Alexia AKA Truth or Dare [email protected]

Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

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About Me ! I have the training ! I have the experience ! But I’m still human!

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About This Presentation ! Main goals are to help: ! Change how we view conflict ! Keep our community together ! Get things done

! Not part of this presentation: ! Relationship counseling ! Group hugs (group sex is OK)

! Quick preview of what’s coming Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

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Conflict Resolution ! What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say “conflict”? ! What about when I say “conflict resolution”?

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CONFLICT Often, the first thing that comes to mind is one of the following: •Fight Anger Pain War Impasse Giving in Fear Mistake Avoid Lose Control Power Hate Loss Bad Compromise Chaos Negative Battle Incompatible Struggle Disagreement CONFLICT RESOLUTION Often, the first thing that comes to mind is one of the following: •Fix it Avoid it Lots of hard work Frustration No-win situation Fight it out Winners and losers Relationship will never be the same Right and wrong Won’t last Interesting note: These perceptions are almost universal, from a culture point-of-view.

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So, What is Conflict? (And Why Define It?) ! It’s inevitable ! It’s based on: ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Diversity and differences Needs Perceptions Power Values and principles Feelings and emotions Internal conflicts

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The definition matters because our negative view of it affects how we handle it and can prevent us from resolving the conflict constructively. Conflict is natural. It is “neither positive nor negative in and of itself…. It is as much a part of our existence as is evolution. Each of us has influence and power over whether or not conflict becomes negative, and that influence and power is found in the way we handle it.” (Weeks, p 7) Diversity and differences: We sometimes get threatened by differences or we define a whole relationship on the basis of a particular difference. (Example: Religion, politics, sexual orientation, race) Needs: We get passionate about needs, because needs are things we perceive we can’t do without. Conflicts arise when we ignore someone’s needs or prevent them from being met (or vice versa), when we confuse needs with desires, or when our needs seem to be incompatible. (Example: Relationship needs as switch) Perceptions: We interpret reality differently. Sometimes our differences in perception cause conflicts. Sometimes we have misperceptions that cause conflicts. (Example: Rumors can lead to misperceptions) Power: When we try to abuse power by exerting (non-consensual) control from the top or bottom, ineffective conflicts are bound to occur. Power struggles don’t lead anywhere. (Example: Situation with Domme and Dom) Values and principles: Sometimes we assume that a conflict is over values and principles, when it’s really over preferences. Our perception drastically changes how we handle the conflict. (Example: Age play) Feelings and emotions: We’re human. We have feelings and emotions. Letting them rule the conflict is not effective, neither is trying to suppress them. (Example: Passive-aggressive behavior) Internal conflicts: Sometimes it takes some time and exploration to figure out what we want out of T3WD. Sometimes we don’t like the answer, so we fight it. Those internal conflicts can easily bubble over and affect our relationships with others. (Example: Sub who has trouble accepting it)

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What Do I Mean by Conflict Resolution? ! It does not mean eliminating differences, needs, perceptions, power, and so on ! Let’s view it as something that: ! Helps us get things done ! Helps us understand and improve our relationships and ourselves

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Conflicts are simply natural events that happen in the course of every relationship and resolving those conflicts can help clarify the relationship and help the people involved move forward.

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How Is Conflict Resolution Different for Us? ! We have some specific challenges ! But we also have some special strengths

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Challenges ! We have a common interest in Power Exchange ! “My kink is better than your kink” attitudes hurt us all ! We tend to be somewhat incestuous ! Cliques are a challenge anywhere ! We are a diverse group ! We are human ! Others? Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

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Strengths ! We have a common interest in Power Exchange ! D/s is all about managing conflict ! T3WD encourages communication ! We encourage safe, sane, consensual behavior ! We encourage open-mindedness ! We are interested in knowing ourselves ! Others? Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

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What Doesn’t Work? Defeating your opponent Avoiding the conflict Bargaining Going for the quick fix Relating as a persona, not a person (non-consensual topping) ! Getting others involved (unless they can really help facilitate) ! ! ! ! !

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DEFEAT: Going for the kill is counter-productive. It might satisfy you in the short-term, but it doesn’t accomplish anything or improve the relationship. Everyone loses. (Example: After relationship split, trying to claim friends as part of “settlement”) AVOIDANCE: Pretending the conflict isn’t there isn’t going to make it go away. If anything, avoiding the conflict just means it’s going to fester and get worse. (Examples: What problem? If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.) Again, nothing is accomplished and the people and relationship don’t grow or improve. BARGAINS: Haggling can be fun, but not when you are dealing with people’s needs, feelings, values, etc. One person might “win”, but the other person is resentful and the relationship does not improve. Also, the outcome is probably not the most effective one. (Example: Thermostat) QUICK FIX: Similar to avoidance. Usually, the fixer is afraid of conflict. However, this approach is short sighted. The conflict is never solved, nothing gets done in the long run, and the relationship does not improve. PERSONAS: If you come to the table as a persona (only as Dom, not person who is a Dom, for example), then you immediately limit your options by limiting your perspective and the way you view your partner. “Because I’m the Dom” doesn’t work (in a non-consensual situation). The conflict is never solved, nothing gets done in the long run, and the relationship does not improve. (Hmmm…. Do you see a pattern?) INTERFERENCE: Bringing others into the situation just complicates things by introducing that many more variables, such as feelings, perceptions, etc. It also can make you more likely to stick to your guns and be “right” because now you might lose face in front of those you’ve involved. That’s different than discussing a situation with a neutral party who will keep things confidential so you can gain some clarity as to the situation. It’s also different than asking a neutral person to step in and help facilitate. EXAMPLE: A completely valid time to get someone involved is at a play social, if the person getting involved is the DM and the conflict is whether or not a particular type of play is safe, sane, and/or consensual. Depending on the severity of the conflict, there are some additional ways the DM can handle this to help work through the real heart of the conflict rather than saying, “I have spoken. Go forth and sin no more.”

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Principles for Resolving and Preventing Conflicts ! Concentrate on “we” ! Look to improve the whole relationship ! Look for mutual benefits

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FOCUS ON WE It might sound hokey, but it’s important – it’s not just a matter of semantics. The people involved in the conflict work together to improve their relationship and to deal with their differences. (Illustrate) WHOLE RELATIONSHIP Look at the big picture. Don’t go for the quick fix. Think about really solving the conflict by finding a constructive solution that lets you take action and improves the relationship in the long run.

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Steps to Resolve Conflicts Part I 1. Create an effective atmosphere 2. Clarify perceptions 3. Understand needs

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EFFECTIVE ATMOSPHERE: Mindset (conflict not always negative, focus on partnership, be prepared, keep an open mind, have a few options but don’t lock yourself into rigid demands, people not totally crazy – can’t have rational discussion with an irrational person… but don’t use that phrase to push buttons); Timing (enough time, free of interruptions, convenient); Place (neutral, friendly, non-threatening, not full of distractions); Opening comments (tone, we, short and to the point, not scripted or corny) PERCEPTIONS: Make sure you know what the conflict is really about. Don’t waste time trying to solve the wrong (or different) problems; Break the conflict down into its parts to understand what is making up this conflict; If the conflict is over values, decide whether you can agree to disagree; Avoid stereotyping; Understand your needs and goals, what your “hot” buttons are (not those hot buttons!), what you have contributed to the conflict, what misperceptions your partner might have and how your behavior could have contributed to those misperceptions, and how you need your partner; Try to understand your partner’s needs and goals, their “hot” buttons, and how they can contribute in a positive way. Avoid seeing them only in terms of their negative behavior. NEEDS: Think about your personal needs: If my needs were being met, would there be a conflict? If I don’t get what I say I need, how will I be damaged? (need vs. desire) What will life look like in a year? (priority) What do I need to feel good about this relationship? Have I communicated my needs? What can be done to meet my needs?; Ask about your partner’s needs: What do you need out of our relationship? What do you need as an outcome of this conflict to make you feel like you and our relationship have been improved?; Look at the relationship’s needs: Do they conflict with any personal needs? Are they more important? Do they suggest other alternatives?; Shared needs are very important – talk about them. (group harmony, avoiding lengthy disputes, mutual respect, etc.)

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Steps to Resolve Conflicts Part II 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

Share power Keep the past and future in mind Generate options Identify actions to take Review

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POWER: Every relationship involves power; Your power includes your self-image, your understanding of yourself, self-control, effective relationship and conflict resolution skills; Look past the negative crap to see the power in your partner. Help that person use their power; Sharing this power by working together is extremely effective. PAST AND FUTURE: All relationships have a past and a future. Keep in mind where you’ve been (both positive and negative) and where you want to go; Don’t regret the past, learn from it; Don’t live in the past and don’t bring things up that aren’t relevant; Don’t romanticize the past; Keep in mind that the reason you’re doing this is not just to resolve this one conflict, but to improve the relationship overall. OPTIONS: Have some options ready, but keep an open mind about new options. The options you came with are starting points, not the answer; Find out what options your partner has thought of; Start brainstorming options; Once you have some options, identify the key options. Key options meet one or more shared needs, meet one or more individual needs that are not incompatible with anyone else’s personal needs, has the potential to improve the relationship, is acceptable to (or better yet, supported by) all parties. ACTIONS: Identify options that are doable and that stand a good chance of being accomplished. REVIEW: Review the process and the options and actions you’ve come up with. Did you solve the problem (and not some other problem)? Does everyone agree? Does anyone feel bad over the end result?; Determine who’s going to take what actions; Check back periodically to make sure things are OK and going as planned and everyone’s still satisfied; Practice these skills.

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Preventing Pointless Conflicts ! Why “pointless”? ! Understand and remain sensitive to the things that contribute to a conflict ! Focus on the principles, not the personalities ! If you are caught in the middle of a conflict, try to help the parties involved use some of these skills by using them yourself Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

•Most of the time, conflicts are useful •Conflicts that are pointless are a waste of time and energy

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Summary ! ! ! !

Key points Resources Questions? ~The End~

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KEY POINTS: Conflict is not a “bad” thing – it’s actually necessary. As a BDSM community, we have some specific challenges; however, even more importantly, we have a lot of strengths that we can use to our advantage. There are a lot of different ways we can resolve conflicts effectively. And, we can prevent pointless conflicts that waste our energy. RESOURCES Some useful general books are: •The Eight Essential Steps to Conflict Resolution: Preserving Relationships at Work, at Home, and in the Community by Dudley Weeks, Ph.D. •How to Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons by Albert Ellis, Ph.D., and Arthur Lange, Ed.D. •Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions by Roberta M. Gilbert, M.D. If you are or are planning to serve a group, you also might be interested in: •Managers as Facilitators by Richard G. Weaver and John D. Farrell •The 60s Communes: Hippies and Beyond by Timothy Miller •Any twelve-step literature on the Twelve Traditions (such as Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, AA World Services, Inc., or It Works: How and Why, NA World Service Office, Inc.)

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