LIBRETTO

Book by Anderson Cook Music by Amanda D'Archangelis Lyrics by Amanda D'Archangelis & Anderson Cook The materials contained herein are copyrighted by the authors, are not for sale, and may only be used for the single specifically licensed live theatrical production for which they were originally provided. Any other use, transfer, reproduction or duplication including print, electronic or digital media is strictly prohibited by law.

8.30.16 - © D’Archangelis and Cook 2016

CHARACTERS DR. MEYERS (M [or F in drag], 40's) KLEINER (M, 20's) HAND (M, 20's) CHAD (M, 20's) BRAD/JONAS SALK (M, 20's) THAD/NARRATOR/REGISTRAR (M, 20's) WAD (F playing M, 20's) VIVIAN (F, 20's) CHARLOTTE (F, 20's)

Note on casting: Due to internal logic of the script, Wad, in the reality of this world, is a black man pretending to be a white man, and in the reality of the real world, is a black woman playing a black man playing a white man.

SETTING A laboratory and a fraternity house on a college campus, 1955. Note on costumes, sets, and props: This musical has the feel of a low-budget horror film of the 1950's. As such, it is in-line with the world to have cheaply made costumes, props, and sets, that are far more suggestive of a world than they are literal. For instance, in the original production, in a scene in which Kleiner and Meyers are in bed, two piece of cardboard with Toy Story blankets stapled to them, held vertically, acted as a substitute for a literaly constructed bed. Similarly, all props that are listed are strong suggestions, but other objects in the same spirit can be used if unavailable.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH"

1.

PROLOGUE A spotlight. A nicely dressed Narrator finds his light and views the audience sternly before speaking. NARRATOR Ladies and gentlemen, before the show begins I’d like to make an announcement: This is a serious play. It has serious themes, motifs, and moments, and the disturbing content may be so much that at moments you may feel the urge to laugh or giggle. Please, restrain yourself by remembering that this show is, at its core, an allegory about human trafficking. Thank you so much. Enjoy the show. 1. OVERTURE Two scientists work in a lab. Meyers is authoritative and tall. Kleiner is boyish and weird. A montage of several failed hand experiments during the overture. Perhaps the “Make You Move” section has Meyers trying furiously, to no avail, while the “That Hand” section features Meyers caressing his own face with a hand and dancing around with it. Maybe the “It Could Be Anybody” section has Kleiner pretending to be choked by the hand and Meyers runs to him, concerned, but Kleiner was just kidding. And so forth.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" SCENE ONE: INSIDE THE LAB A crash of lightning outside. Kleiner works at a table. Meyers enters. MEYERS Kleiner, that’s it! What?

KLEINER

MEYERS My apparatus is complete. The most significant medical advance of the 1950’s - to reanimate individual human limbs! I’m sure to get tenure now! KLEINER But sir, what about the polio vaccine? What?

MEYERS

KLEINER You said this would be the most significant medical advance of the 1950’s. What about the polio vaccine, invented by Dr. Jonas Salk? MEYERS SCREW JONAS SALK! That hack is a no-talent, derivative - nevermind. We have more important matters at hand. Now, we shall test the apparatus! Oh, goody!

KLEINER

MEYERS Using this apparatus, I’ve allowed the arm to intake nutrients the way it would through normal bloodflow. So the only remaining issue was how to instill it with enough electrical charge to allow the neurons to cross the synapses once again! KLEINER This is so fun! MEYERS Now, please retrieve Specimen D. KLEINER Sir, you know I can’t read.

2.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH"

3.

MEYERS It’s the disembodied arm. Excellent!

KLEINER Kleiner fetches it. The hand is played by an actor in a morph suit with only one arm exposed.

MEYERS Kleiner, would you like to know how my invention works? KLEINER Sir, my understanding of science stops at knowing that we are both alive. MEYERS Neurons are comprised of synapses and axons. A small electrical charge is used to cross that gap and communicate signals that allow the muscle to work in conjunction with your brain. Goody!

KLEINER

MEYERS With this supercharger, we use the arm’s flesh as it’s own battery, giving it enough power to survive on it’s own for years. Do you understand? I have toes!

KLEINER

MEYERS We have no time for debate! Now, please insert the specimen into the electrode chamber in order to supercharge the synapse gap! Kleiner removes the arm from a cryogenic cooler with a flourish. He places it in the chamber. 2. THE ELECTRODE CHAMBER! MEYERS Now, we will see the most significant medical advance of the 20th century! We will be able to reattach limbs! KLEINER Think of the soldiers we could save!

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" MEYERS The farmers in threshing accidents! KLEINER All those dogs with three legs! MEYERS Polio will be nothing compared to what I will achieve! 3. MAKE YOU MOVE MEYERS JONAS, HE THINKS HE OWNS US HE WINS SCIENTIST OF THE YEAR WHILE I'M STUCK WITH MY QUEER SCREW YOU, YOU DIDN'T THINK THIS THROUGH YOU THINK YOU’VE FOUND THE CURE WHAT IF YOU SAVED THE NEXT HITLER?! YOU CAN'T BE SURE JUST WAIT SIR, I HAVE THE ANSWER TO EVERY CRIPPLE’S PRAYERS I'LL GIVE THEM WHAT'S NOT THERE I'M GONNA MAKE YOU MOVE I'LL MARRY LIFE AND DEATH WITH A WAVE FROM THIS HAND I’LL KILL YOUR CAREER, THERE'LL BE NOTHING LEFT I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU MOVE I'LL BE SURE TO MAKE YOU SQUIRM WITH ME, MY MANBOY, AND FIST THIS TIME YOU'LL LEARN GONNA MAKE YOU MOVE! A JOLT OF ELECTRICITY hits the arm, it jumps, jumps again, flexes, and - nothing. It falls limp on the table again. MEYERS (CONT’D) Turn up the power! KLEINER But sir, it says “careful, turning it up any more may result in disembodied fisting! MEYERS What does that warning even mean? Dr. Jonas Salk knew that curing polio would lead to massive overpopulation and subsequent depletion of the planet’s resources, but he did it anyway! Turn up the power!

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"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH"

5.

It reaches insane levels, the hand twitches a bit, and then, nothing. MEYERS (CONT’D) But - but - but that’s impossible! I’m afraid I’m a failure yet again, Kleiner. Well, more tests will have to wait til morning. Come, let us get ready for bed. Oh, goody!

KLEINER

MEYERS And don’t forget the ball gag. Papa’s had a real long day. 4. THE FIST LIVES!/CROSSOVER They exit, leaving the arm on the table. After a second the arm twitches. Twitches again. It comes alive, flexing and moving around until it jumps up, with the hand and fingers underneath it like a rudimentary foot. It looks left, then right, then scurries out of the lab.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH"

6.

SCENE 2: BOYS FIND A FIST The arm scurries onto the sidewalk outside the lab on campus, but then it hears singing off in the distance. It looks left, it looks right, and it throws itself on a pile of trash outside the lab. A couple of frat brothers, CHAD, the leader, BRAD, the right hand man, and THAD, the different one, trundle on, tipsy and singing/chanting their fraternity’s song. CHAD, BRAD, AND THAD PI ALPHA PI! PI ALPHA PI! IN OUR EYES AND IN OUR THIGHS WE’LL BE FOREVER ALPHA PI! WE’RE THE BEST OF BROS, THE BEST OF FRIENDS OF NOW AND ANY AGE! BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY WE HATE YOU IF YOU’RE DARKER THAN BEIGE. They all laugh. CHAD Brothers! Look! Woooah!

BROTHERS

CHAD Is that a, a BROTHERS An arm?

Garbage?

THAD

(CONT’D) CHAD Thad, you’re a real knucklehead. They must have thrown it out from the lab! Chad goes over to investigate. CHAD (CONT’D) Brothers, we could pull off some real nifty pranks with an arm like this. BRAD We could scare the heebie jeebies out of the girls in Delta Sig! CHAD We could use it for paddling pledges!

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" THAD We could touch things. With it. Beat. CHAD Had it up to here, Thad. Well, brothers, shall we put it to a vote? Will we bring the discarded arm home? BRAD But what about diseases? That thing looks dirty! CHAD Brother Brad, we have nothing to worry about. Jonas Salk cured polio. We’re all gonna live forever. General noises of assent from the boys. CHAD (CONT’D) Alright then. I, Chad Kimberly, president of Pi Alpha Pi, stand before you, brothers Brad and Thad, asking the question: Should we bring this disembodied arm home? All in favor, say Aye. Aye!

BRAD & CHAD

Yes!

THAD

CHAD (instantly furious) I swear to God Thad, I’m going to cut out your liver and sell it to the Russians. (back to pleasant) Alright, it’s settled. Now come on, brothers! The girls from Delta Sig will be arriving soon for our mixer! 5. FRAT BROS CROSSOVER

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"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH"

8.

SCENE 3: INTRODUCING FIST The brothers file into the fraternity house. Brother WAD, who is waiting for them in the living room, is definitely a black dude wearing a blonde wig. WAD Hey, brothers! Just in time for the Delta Sig Social. BROTHERS (doing handshake) Hoo-hoo-rah, Alpha Pi! WAD Man, I love being in a fraternity. And being white. Which I definitely am. CHAD I feel similarly about my Caucausian heritage. Now, we have a surprise. A new installation for the lounge. Brother Brad? Brad presents the arm. Ew, gross!

WAD

CHAD We’re going to use this to scare those Delta Sig girls into next week! BRAD They’ll jump right into our arms! WAD I like the sound of that! Boy oh boy, I’m getting excited! THAD But why would they be scared? It’s just a disembodied arm. It’s not like it can kill us anymore, thanks to the excellent work of Dr. Jonas Salk. Noises of assent from the brothers. CHAD Because, it’s gross, Thad, and girls hate gross stuff.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" THAD You guys ever wonder if some people are somewhere in between male and female? Beat. CHAD What -- what are you even saying? Alright boys, let’s do a final sweep through and clean this place up! BROTHERS Hoo-hoo-rah, Alpha Pi! They go about cleaning various surfaces. Suddenly, Thad gets an itch in his balls THAD Oooh, guys my balls just got a real bad itch. BRAD Where’s your ball scratcher? Uh, I dunno.

THAD

CHAD Well, you better not scratch them yourself, because that would make you a homosexual. WAD And we can’t have any of that around here. THAD Oh, c’mon guys. Just this once. CHAD Rules are rules, Thad. Ughhh.

THAD They all go back to cleaning. Thad sees the arm laying on the table. He grabs the arm and uses it to scratch his balls.

BRAD Dude! What are you doing! Ahhhhhh.

THAD

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"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH"

10.

WAD This is normal behavior to me, because I am white. BRAD Gross! You’re a real piece of work, Thad! Brad throws the arm on the ground. THAD Hey, take it easy fellas! CHAD Brothers, look at it this way. What was once gross and scary is now even grosser and scarier. Hey... yeah!

BRAD

CHAD Wait. Is this a male hand... or a female hand? THAD Doesn’t it kinda lose any gender after it’s been removed from the body? A KNOCK at the door. CHAD Delta Sig has arrived! Alright, everyone internally label Thad as maybe a homosexual for now. Brothers! On your best behavior, please! Chad opens the door. CHARLOTTE, confident and gregarious, enters, followed by the naive and shy VIVIAN. CHAD (CONT’D) Charlotte! Babe. Please, come in, make yourselves comfortable. CHARLOTTE Thank you. This is Vivian, our newest sister. She’s a bit shy, so I want you boys to be on your best behavior tonight. Brad nudges Wad. BRAD Oh, we’ll be on our best behavior alright. This is the funniest thing that Brad, Wad, and Thad have ever heard.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" CHAD You heard the lady. Welcome, Vivian. Make sure you don’t wander off. This old house can be a real labryinth to the uninitiated. THAD Did you know serial killer H. H. Holmes designed a labryinthian murder castle, in which he killed his victims with blowtorches and acid? CHAD Why would you -? What? (Back to Vivian) Ignore him. You’re very welcome here. Thank you.

VIVIAN

CHAD Do you know when the rest of your fine sisters will be arriving? CHARLOTTE To commemorate Jonas Salk’s achievement, several of our sisters decided to burn our house’s Iron Lung. CHAD Well, I can’t blame them. Sounds like a great tribute to the greatest mind of our generation. Everyone agrees that this is a great idea. THAD Eh. They’ll be burning that lung for a while. Iron has a melting point of 2800 degrees Farenheit. Beat. CHAD I want nothing more than your death. CHARLOTTE So I’m afraid it’s just us tonight. CHAD This is tragic news indeed. But not to worry, we’ll still show you girls the best night you could dream of. Now, could someone play that new hip record? CHARLOTTE Ew Chad, what is that?

11.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" Oh, this?

12.

CHAD

BRAD It’s the newest addition to our house of horrors. A real, genuine, preserved, human hand. CHARLOTTE Gross! That thing is creepy. VIVIAN What if it has diseases? BRAD Well, guess you ladies will just have to stay real close to us then. VIVIAN You can’t really protect me from gangrene CHAD That’s enough chatter, let’s let our feet do the talking. Hit it! Someone does.

6. JUST ONE FINGER Wad claps noisily and erratically. WAD I sure do love this music and also not having any internal metronome! CHAD HEY BABE I’M GLAD YOU CAME IT’S TIME TO PLAY A GAME IF YOU DON’T PUT UP A FIGHT CHARLOTTE I WANNA PLAY ONE TOO ONLY IF IT INCLUDES YOU NOT FORGETTING THAT I’M HERE AND YOU TOOT MY HORN TOO YOU KNOW THAT I WOULD DO ALMOST ANYTHING FOR YOU CHAD DARLING YOU’RE EVER SO KIND SO IF YOU DON’T MIND JUST ONE FINGER WHAT DID YOU SAY?

CHARLOTTE

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" MAKE IT LINGER

CHAD

CHARLOTTE THAT SOUNDS KINDA GAY IT’S NOT A CRIME

CHAD

CHARLOTTE PLEASE SAY IT’S A LIE TO BLOW MY MIND

CHAD

CHARLOTTE I BLOW YOU ALL THE TIME! She pulls away from him. CHAD (to others) Ha ha ha, can you believe this one? (back to her, hushed) Babe, what the fuck? Thad is pulling Vivian close to her and she is not into it. JUST ONE FINGER No. JUST ONE FINGER No. JUST ONE FINGER

THAD VIVIAN THAD VIVIAN THAD

VIVIAN What part about no don’t you understand?! Vivian attempts to push him off. From the wings, the hand grabs Thad and drags him offstage. Vivian is paralyzed. 7. FIST ATTACK! (THAD) There’s a bloodcurdling scream.

13.

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14.

BRAD What was that?! The hand...

VIVIAN

CHAD What hand? It’s nothing. Thad probably got his tongue stuck in the radiator again. Chad exits. WAD It happens. More than you would think. Chad rushes back on. CHAD I’m afraid he’s been - ladies, please, for your sake, cover your ears. They do. CHAD (CONT’D) He’s been fisted to death! Nooooooo!

WAD & BRAD Girls uncover their ears.

BRAD I thought fisting was something that only happened in our naughty fun time flipbooks! CHAD Brad! Mixed company! CHARLOTTE He’s been fuh-fuh-fisted?! Everyone freezes as a spotlight hits Vivian. 8. THAT HAND THAT HAND

VIVIAN Chad, Brad, and Wad come alive to act as Vivian’s fantasy backup singers.

(THAT HAND)

CHAD, BRAD, & WAD

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" VIVIAN IS MUCH MORE THAN ANY MAN COULD BE (COULD BE)

CHAD, BRAD, & WAD

VIVIAN IT SHOWED THAT STUPID BRUTE AND IT SAVED ME (SAVED ME)

CHAD, BRAD, & WAD

VIVIAN IT PULVERIZED HIS BUTT AND SET ME FREE The HAND and THAD walk out, and start replaying what Vivian imagines the fisting was like, using a red ribbon that the hand pulls out of Thad’s pants. WOAH WOAH YEAH

VIVIAN, CHAD, BRAD, & WAD

VIVIAN AND IT FILLED HIM WITH JUSTICE AND IT FILLED ME WITH JOY I WONDER IF IT COULD EVER BE A BOY FOR ME WE’LL SEE

CHAD, BRAD, & WAD OOH SHU-WOP OOH SHU-WOP OOH

VIVIAN

She’s out of breath. VIVIAN (CONT’D) Thank you hand. I hope we meet again one day. Normal lights back. CHAD I was so distracted by staring into my best girl’s eyes, I didn’t see what happened. Oh, Chad.

CHARLOTTE

VIVIAN I saw it! I saw the hand. What hand?

BRAD

15.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" VIVIAN The hand that you showed us when we came in. It was all... disembodied. It crawled right up and dragged him away. CHARLOTTE Vivian. A disembodied hand come to life? C’mon. I saw it!

VIVIAN

CHARLOTTE She has a really active imagination. CHAD Well, I haven’t heard any doors open or close. It would seem that the fister must still be in the house. Maybe even... still in the room. 9. IT COULD BE ANYBODY CHAD IT COULD BE ANYBODY NO WAY IT’S DISEMBODIED WHO WOULD CHOOSE TO FIST? THERE’S EVIL IN OUR MIDST CHAD (CONT’D) Who’s got the best sense of smell?! Brad raises his hand. ALL LET’S SEE WHO’S FIST IS SOILED CHARLOTTE NOW ALL OUR FUN IS SPOILED ALL WE’LL FIND WHOSE GOOD FROM BAD! WE’LL FIND OUT WHO KILLED THAD! A-NY-BO-DY A-NY-BO-DY.

Under scene:

Lights up on MEYERS and KLEINER, in sleepy wear/bondage gear. Something interrupted Meyers and has distracted him. KLEINER Doctor, whatever is the matter?

16.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" MEYERS I realized, right as I was drifting off - I miscalculated! The hand would have a recovery period before it was reanimated, but - oh no. What?!

KLEINER

MEYERS The hand must be on the loose, searching for, for For what?!

KLEINER

MEYERS Someone incomplete. Someone missing a part of themselves, empty inside, maybe going through the motions on the outside but with a distinct chunk of their humanity missing. Where would we find someone like that? They look at each other. MEEYERS & KLEINER A fraternity house! MEYERS Quick, we have to warn each and every fraternity. This hand could prove to have sinister motives! We must hurry! They exit. A-NY-BO-DY!

ALL Lights back up on the house.

CHAD Alright, I’ve done a thorough investigation of everyone’s character, and found that no one can be ruled out entirely. CHARLOTTE Chad, you were holding me when Thad got dragged off. It couldn’t have possibly been me! CHAD That’s what I thought, but then I discovered you were childhood friends with an Australian boy, and everyone knows you can’t trust convicts and their associates.

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18.

CHARLOTTE There’s a corpse in the bedroom. Are we going to call the police at some point? CHAD I’m the one asking the questions here! Now, Wad, please go over what you did today. Any punching motions? WAD This afternoon, I was conducting my daily prayer service for the fallen heroes in the War of Northern Aggression There’s an urgent knocking at the door. CHAD Brad, attend to the door. Brad crosses and starts to open the door which Dr. Meyers then whips open and basically stampedes over him, with Kleiner in his wake. MEYERS Hello, students. I am Dr. Meyers KLEINER I grew up in an abandoned badger den. MEYERS I’m a researcher in the biology department. You all may be in grave danger. Have there been any suspicious occurrences around here tonight? CHAD One of our brothers was fisted to death, if you count that as suspicious. KLEINER Fisted to death?! Oh goody! MEYERS Then it’s as I feared. A noble experiment has gone horribly wrong. A hand was brought back to life in my laboratory earlier today. Incredible, I know, and much more impressive that curing polio. Everyone loudly disagrees at this bit of heresy.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH"

19.

MEYERS (CONT’D) HOWEVER. It would seem that the hand has... escaped. Uh, what?!

WAD

MEYERS The hand is most likely still in this very house. We must be very careful in recapturing it. CHARLOTTE Can’t we call the police? MEYERS (mimicking) Can’t we call the police? (back to voice) What would they do?! Shoot my hand dead? Can you imagine if someone had shot Jonas Salk’s first attempt at a vaccine dead? You’d still be in an iron lung, you whippersnapper. The hand must be captured alive. CHAD I trust this man because he is wearing a lab coat. Brad, Wad. We must capture the hand alive! Ladies, stay safe. There’s another KNOCK at the door. CHARLOTTE Chad, I’m scared! BRAD Relax, it’s probably just more nerds. Brad goes to the door. The hand pulls him into the wings. 10. FIST ATTACK - BRAD A large amount of blood shoots out of the wing he was pulled into. A bloodcurdling scream. Meyers runs to investigate, and is sickened. He turns around and faces everyone. MEYERS The hand has claimed another victim. He used him like a sock puppet. FUCK!

VIVIAN

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" Everyone looks at her. VIVIAN (CONT’D) I mean, oh no. That’s so sad. He was so young. I’m just - I’m just so glad it wasn’t me. WAD That’s it, I have had enough of this, I am leaving this house. MEYERS No! It seems like the hand has developed some sort of vendetta against the members of this fraternity. If you leave then the hand will follow. We have no idea what it’s capable of. It must be contained. (to Kleiner) Did you bring my Vaseline? KLEINER No, you said you thought you wouldn’t need it because of the rain. MEYERS Oh, right. Well, now my lips are dry. KLEINER Well, I don’t know how I was supposed to anticipate CHAD So what are you saying? WAD You want to use us as bait?! VIVIAN I’ll do it. Tie me up. I was a competitive gymnast. (Beat.) For the greater good. MEYERS Bait is a negative way to view it. Now, I’ll need all of you to wait in this room together, facing each other with your rear ends out. KLEINER Like human worms on our fish hook. MEYERS When the hand approaches, we will swoop in and capture it, and we guarantee that you will come to no harm. CHARLOTTE This sounds really dumb. Like any reasonable person would say no to this plan.

20.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" CHAD I trust in the establishment. WAD Yup, people in positions of power right now are definitely not incorrect about anything. That’s what I think. I’m a white person. MEYERS It’s settled then. Kleiner, please tie them all up. KLEINER This reminds me of Father’s Day. Kleiner starts tying them all up while Meyers inspects the room. 11. BEHIND CHARLOTTE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE IS THIS WHERE I’M GOING TO DIE? AM I GONNA GO INSANE HERE AM I LOSING MY MIND? CHAD THERE’S NO WAY THAT FIST WILL GET ME IT CAN PLAINLY SEE I’M STRAIGHT IF THIS TURNS CHAR OFF TO BUTT STUFF SHE CAN FIND ANOTHER DATE VIVIAN I HOPE THE FIST CAN CLEARLY SEE MY LOVE I’VE PREPPED MY COLON FOR YOUR MIGHTY HUG CHARLOTTE DON’T LEAVE ME BEHIND WATCH MY BACK

CHAD

WAD I CAN’T DIE FIRST CAUSE I’M NOT BLACK! I’M TERRIFIED.

CHARLOTTE

CHAD HEY, BABE, NICE RACK. CHARLOTTE DO WE TRUST THESE GUYS?

21.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" VIVIAN WELL HERE IS MY BEHIND I GOT BACK WAD MY BUTTHOLE’S SAFE FROM SNEAK ATTACKS IT’S ALL BECAUSE I AM NOT BLACK HAVEN’T BEEN SINCE 1949 DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T

LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE

ME ME ME ME

CHARLOTTE, CHAD, VIVIAN, WAD BEHIND BEHIND BEHIND BEHIND A NOISE.

CHARLOTTE Did you hear that? CHAD Just be cool, babe. WAD (under breath) Y’all are fucking crazy, stupid-ass VIVIAN What did you say? WAD I said, “Man, what a great idea this is!” I bet I won’t be the one that the hand goes for, because I am not a minority of any sort. VIVIAN I think we’re being really hard on the hand. Do we ever stop to think about things from its point of view? CHAD Woah, tell your friend to stop empathizing with those who are different. CHARLOTTE It’s a monster hand, Vivian. I have no idea what its point of view is. VIVIAN My point exactly. CHAD Next thing you know, you’ll be wondering what life is like for the Jews.

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23.

The NOISE again. The Hand enters, unseen. CHARLOTTE There it is again. CHAD Keep the cool. I’m ready.

VIVIAN The Hand grabs Charlotte’s ankle.

CHARLOTTE There it is!! A spotlight on Meyers. Everyone else freezes in time. He is smitten. 12. PAPA SO PROUD MEYERS LOOK LOOK AT HIM RUN HE’S FAST AND HE’S DARING AND SON OF A GUN HE’S STRONG, SO STRONG HOW CAN THIS FEEL OH SO RIGHT WHEN IT’S EVER SO WRONG? IF YOU COULD JUST HONE YOUR RAGE WE’D MAKE ALL THE HEADLINES BE ON THE FRONT PAGE IF YOU’D JUST LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE JONAS’ REIGN WOULD BE OVERTHROWN YOU’D MAKE PAPA SO PROUD DON’T GET ME WRONG, YOU’VE MADE PAPA SO PROUD YOU MADE THEM SCREAM SO LOUD WITH YOUR WIGGLING FORCE MY CHILD YOU’RE ON THE RIGHT COURSE JUST KEEP, JUST KEEP, JUST KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T HAVE EYES I LOVE THAT YOU’RE SHAMELESS WHEN YOU’RE PROBING THEIR ANUS The hand unfreezes and approaches Meyers, and extends his hand to ask him to dance. They waltz.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH"

24.

MEYERS (CONT’D) JUST REMEMBER YOU’VE MADE PAPA SO PROUD Lights change back, time unfreezes. Charlotte is screaming. CHAD Save her, scientist man! MEYERS Wait, Kleiner, wait until it’s vulnerable. CHARLOTTE Why aren’t you helping me?! Charlotte stands up and picks up a chair with which to smash the hand. No!

MEYERS Meyers grabs the chair so she can’t bring it down. But the hand has seen its moment, and it strikes. She’s been fisted.

13. FIST ATTACK - CHARLOTTE CHAD Nooooo! Charlotte! Baby! (to Meyers) You did this! WAD Man, fuck this. Wad runs off into the house somewhere. MEYERS No, wait, where’s the hand The power goes out. Beat. MEYERS (CONT’D) He’s learned how circuit breakers work! Chaos on stage, everyone running around and shouting. Above the rest: CHAD I swear to God, I’m gonna kill you Meyers!

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH"

25.

SCENE FOUR: MY OTHER HALF Spotlight center stage. The hand comes out, now “floating” through the air, with its human operator walking upright and using the hand like a sock puppet. He finds his spotlight and takes a second. HAND Man. What am I even doing here? I thought I was teaching some racist, homophobic, and downright stupid frat bros a lesson, but at what cost? Have I turned into a monster? Have I forgotten why I started out? Who will I be after this is all over? 14. MY OTHER HALF HAND WHEN I WAS BORN TO MY SURPRISE I COULD SEE EVEN WITHOUT EYES I WAS UNIQUE, ONE OF A KIND I LOOKED AND LOOKED, BUT COULD NOT FIND MY OTHER HALF TO MAKE ME WHOLE FISTING KIDS WAS NEVER THE GOAL I ONLY WANT TO HOLD A HAND LIKE ME TO SEW, CROCHET, OR PLAY DEBUSSY ‘CAUSE CLAIR DE LUNE IS JUST NO FUN WHEN YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE THE ONLY ONE I’M NO SINGULAR SENSATION I’M A MONSTROUS CREATION ALL I WANT, ALL I WANT IS MY OTHER HALF The spotlight fades, and the hand exits.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH"

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SCENE FIVE: WHEN I’M WHITE Normal lights back up. Wad wanders onto the stage through the audience. WAD Hello...? Chad? Scientist guys? Handy, or Fisty, if that’s you, please do not be fooled by my skin tone. I spent a lot of time at the beach this past summer. Fine, I’ll level with you. I’m black. But they don’t know that. And here is your chance to prove you’re better like I had to. 15. WHEN I’M WHITE WAD MY MOMMA SAID I SHOULD ALWAYS DREAM HUGE BUT WHITE PEOPLE RIGGED THE GAME SO I WOULD ALWAYS LOSE A registrar wearing large sunglasses comes onstage and sits at a desk. WAD (CONT’D) JUST WANTED TO STUDY MARINE BIOLOGY BUT WHEN I SHOWED UP I GOT A FAKE APOLOGY “NO BLACKS ALLOWED YOU’RE NOT OUR CROWD. MAYBE TRY MAINTENANCE INSTEAD.” The registar stands up, extends a cane, and walks and taps around his desk a bit. WAD (CONT’D) THEN I SAW HIS CANE AND THOUGH I FELT HIS PAIN THIS REGISTRAR WAS BLIND AS FUCK AND I WAS SMART SO HE WAS SHIT OUT OF LUCK Wad does an about face, and reenters the “registar’s office” with a new persona.

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WAD (CONT’D) I PRESENTED MYSELF AS A BRAND NEW CASE MY FORMER SELF DISAPPEARED WITHOUT A TRACE THIS MAN COULDN’T SEE MY FACE SO WHEN HE ASKED ME MY RACE I SAID WHITE I’M WHITE WHEN I’M WHITE, I CAN VOTE FOR MY NEXT PRESIDENT WHEN I’M WHITE, ANY COLLEGE I CAN WALK RIGHT IN WHEN I’M WHITE, ANY HOUSE IN THE COUNTRY’S FOR ME WHEN I’M WHITE, A BANK LOAN IS BASICALLY FREE WHEN I’M WHITE, THE FUZZ AREN’T BREATHING DOWN MY NECK WHEN I’M WHITE, PEOPLE TREAT ME WITH BASIC RESPECT WHEN I’M WHITE, I CAN USE ANY FOUNTAIN I WANT WHEN I’M WHITE, ON THE BUS, I CAN SIT IN THE FRONT BEING BLACK IN A WHITE MAN’S WORLD IS HARD ENOUGH WITH MY WITS NOW IMAGINE HOW OPPRESSIVE IT IS IF I HAD A SET OF TITS At this point, Wad has kicked over a chair and is breathing hard on his knees, singing to the heavens. He composes himself and gets up. WAD (CONT’D) SO NOW MY STRUGGLE IS PLAIN TO SEE SO PRETTY, PRETTY PLEASE Wad removes his blonde wig, revealing his true self. DON’T FIST ME. HAND Your brother still scratched his balls with my face. 16. FIST ATTACK - WAD The hand fists Wad.

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WAD NOOOOOOO. Now, in the throes of death, my large intestine being kneaded like pizza dough, I wonder, is my inclusion in this story actually serves as a provocative or humorous comment on racism within the already established time period, or am I just serving to further cement my place as a prop without any real agency or personality outside of my blackness? I remain unsure, but I needed the stage tiiiiiiiiiiiiime He dies. Hand pulls a string of hot dogs (meant to resemble intestines) out of Wad’s butthole. MEYERS (OFF) The hand went that way! The hand scurries off. Kleiner enters, sees Wad’s corpse. He crosses himself and stands over the body and whistles “DANNY BOY”. Halfway through the song, the hand enters and is taken aback by its beauty. KLEINER Oh, I didn’t realize - hello. HAND Hello. That was very nice. KLEINER Thank you. I sang it at the funerals of all six of my brothers. HAND Aren’t you going to... capture me? KLEINER I guess I probably should, right? A pause. HAND Have you ever had... a friend? KLEINER Not since the bang bang times. HAND I, too, am without friends. I think we’re not so different, you and I.

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17. HALF BECOMES A WHOLE HAND ALL MY LIFE I’VE BEEN A MONSTER KLEINER ALL MY LIFE I’VE BEEN A FREAK BUT I LOOK AT YOU, AND MY KNEES GET WEAK HAND I wish I had knees! HAND & KLEINER YOU’RE THE ONE THAT I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR, YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WAS THE GOAL AND NOW I SEE THAT THIS ONE HALF IS READY TO BE WHOLE SO THERE’S NO MORE NEED FOR FISTING, IT’LL BE JUST ME AND YOU. WE’LL FINGER PAINT AND THUMB WAR THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN’T DO. AND IF THEY TRY TO STOP US HAND I’LL FIST EM TIL THEY’RE DEAD! HAND & KLEINER SO NOW A HALF BECOMES A WHOLE NO MORE NEEDS TO BE SAID Kleiner and the hand look at each other expectantly. They both lean in for a quick peck, then come out to see the reaction. Then they really go for it, with the hand exploring every nook and cranny of Kleiner’s mouth. It should look like the Hand is fucking Kleiner’s mouth. Maybe the Hand even uses his non-Hand hand to choke Kleiner with his tie, and maybe that causes Kleiner to jerk off underneath his pants. Maybe. MEYERS (OFF) Handy! Please come back! They separate. KLEINER Fare thee well... friend. They scurry off in separate directions.

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" Vivian wanders into the room scantily clad (for the 50’s). VIVIAN Ugh, I wish something would occupy this gaping cavern inside of me. She looks around waiting for the Hand to appear. VIVIAN (CONT’D) It’s just so expansive and roomy and ready for something to slide right in. The hand enters, unbeknownst to her. VIVIAN (CONT’D) Classical composers and their managers are contacting me because the acoustics of my butthole are just so echo-y and nice HAND Can you shut the fuck up? VIVIAN Oh my god! I’m so embarrassed, I had no idea you would come along. HAND I don’t want to kill you. I have nothing against you. VIVIAN Oh, but Handsy, I want you to. I see now that nothing else in my life matters if I just continue to walk around empty-handed and unsatisfied. ... Why? Why?!

HAND VIVIAN

18. THAT HASpotlight like in That Hand, Vivian steps into it, opens her mouth to sing a reprise, then: HAND Stop. Shut the fuck up. Stop. Now. Look, miss. I don’t know what your deal is, but I don’t want to murder you. (MORE)

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"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" HAND (CONT'D) I’ve gotten my revenge and I’ve rid the world of some awful people, but I went too far. I killed innocents. And I can’t add you to that list.

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VIVIAN Oh, please. We’ve been flirting all night, me and you, and now it’s time to perform and someone’s got stage fright. HAND I dont’t - I don’t have stage fright. VIVIAN Oh, really? Aren’t enough of a man to pleasure a woman? HAND I’m - I’m literally like a tenth of a man VIVIAN Come on! Do it! Don’t disappoint me like all the rest of them! HAND I’m not like all the rest of them! Prove it!

VIVIAN

HAND You’re like all the rest of them!! 19. A LITTLE FALL OF FIST The hand fists her. Obviously, she’s real into it. She sings a verse of “A Little Fall of Rain” from Les Mis verbatim except saying “Monsieur Fistius” instead of Marius. Vivian dies. The hand pulls a single rose out of her butthole. Meyers runs in. MEYERS Why must you be an instrument of doom? I created you out of love. HAND You made me this way!! You all made me this way!!!

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The hand scampers out again. Chad runs into the room. CHAD You let it kill again?! He runs over and picks the blonde wig off the floor. CHAD (CONT’D) It scalped Wad! MEYERS That’s a wig. He’s black. I don’t understand how you haven’t figured that out. CHAD You know what? I’ve had it up to here with you, and your science. Putting your own fame and lust for knowledge above the lives of fellow human beings. It’s sickening. MEYERS Oh, what were your fraternity brothers going to achieve in this life? Give each other some handjobs and never talk about it again, accidentally knock a girl up, have a kid, and pass along their own prejudices to him? CHAD Yes! That’s the American dream! MEYERS Well, I wanted something more, alright? I wanted to change history, to change what it meant to be human. I won’t apologize for that, now or ever. And if that means you must hurt me, so be it. CHAD Your ass is grass, Meyers. And I’m seeding it. Chad advances upon him aggressively. MEYERS That doesn’t make sense! But the hand swoops in and takes Chad from behind.

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20. FIST ATTACK - CHAD CHAD Charlotte! Baby! I’m coming for that angel poon! Chad drops dead. Hand pulls a butt plug out of his asshole. MEYERS My... my child. HAND Fa-...father? MEYERS Look at you - so strong, and capable. What made you this way? HAND A world that rejected me. Everyboy just hates me, or wants to fetishize me. But really, I’m just a scared little Fisty Boy. Oh, Hand.

MEYERS

HAND Please, call me Fisty Boy. They embrace. MEYERS Fisty, there’s nothing left for me. HAND What do you mean? MEYERS Look at this. A house full of dead collegiates. An experiment gone horribly wrong - no! An experiment that - surprised me. You can have a life. Reform your ways. Find employment at a haunted corn maze. Learn to play the piano. Get a job in a gay club and fist people who actually want to be fisted. The world is your oyster. But I have nothing left. Jonas Salk will always be better than me. I need this to end. HAND What are you saying? MEYERS I’m saying... like Frankenstein’s creation, please, save me from this suffering. (MORE)

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" MEYERS (CONT'D) Dispatch me from this world!!! (Beat.) Also, if you fisted Jonas Salk to death I would consider that an exemption from the whole “reforming your ways” thing. Father, no!

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HAND

MEYERS Yes! You must! 21. PAPA SO FISTED He gets on all four and looks as stoic as possible (not very). As the hand enters his butthole, he sings a high operatic note, or something similarly dignified. Hand pulls out hand over hand of red ribbon out of Meyers’ butthole. Meyers dies. Kleiner enters and sees Meyers dead. The hand turns back and sees Kleiner. KLEINER What happened? HAND Don’t look at me! I’m a monster! I’m an abomination! I’m... I’m... 22. FINALE: HALF BECOMES A WHOLE (REPRISE) KLEINER YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A MONSTER I DON’T HAVE TO BE A FREAK WE CAN RUN AWAY TOGETHER FIND A COZY QUIET BEACH WE CAN LEAVE THIS LIFE BEHIND US WE CAN DO SOME GOOD INSTEAD WHEN THE PRESS WRITES ALL ABOUT US WE’LL BE SAFELY IN CLUB MED HAND & KLEINER SO THERE’S NO MORE NEED FOR FISTING IT CAN BE JUST ME AND YOU WE’LL TAN OUR WRISTS TOGETHER THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN’T DO KLEINER AND THOUGH THEY TRIED TO STOP US -

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" HAND & KLEINER WE FISTED THEM TO DEATH! C’mon!

KLEINER They exit.

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SCENE SIX: FINALE A crowd gathers around JONAS SALK standing at a podium above the rest, and we hear the sound of an AIRPLANE. Kleiner and the Hand enter wearing matching Hawaiian shirts and dumb floppy sun hats. Kleiner carries luggage. JONAS SALK So I said, “Iron lung? More like iron lame!” The crowd erupts into laughter. KLEINER Say, what’s going on here? MAN #1 (CHAD) It’s the medical marvel himself, Dr. Jonas Salk! Kleiner turns back to Hand. KLEINER That’s him! The polio guy! HAND More like buttholio guy. Time to do some puppeteering. Hand scurries into the crowd. Jonas Salk screams in anguish. JONAS SALK I’ve been fisted! 19B. FINALE/HALF BECOMES A WHOLE (REPRISE) Hand comes running back to Kleiner, they embrace. ALL NOW THERE’S NO MORE NEED FOR FISTING CAUSE EVERYONE IS DEAD WE’RE SORRY THAT WE’VE PUT THIS FILTHY SHOW INTO YOUR HEAD BUT NO ONE TRIED TO STOP US SO WE PUT IT UP INSTEAD! SO NOW IT’S TIME TO GO HOME NO MORE NEEDS TO BE HAND Jonas Salk is Dead!

"THE DISEMBODIED HAND THAT FISTED EVERYONE TO DEATH" SAAAAAAAAAID.

ALL

THE END. 23. BOWS

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