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Basic Victorian Etiquette In Victorian times, having manners and etiquette were as important as being educated. A person's etiquette and manners were associated with their status and wealth, as much as the car one drives or house one lives in today. Victorian Etiquette has its differences and do not wholly apply today, however it is fun to explore its ways, a refined way of living in a romantic era, where chivalry and gentility were never again as prized and honoured. Etiquette & Manners Basic Victorian Etiquette & Manners:  Rising to one's feet when being introduced, or when someone enters the room.  Ladies do a little curtsey and men greet with a bow.  Never turn your back on someone. When you have to remove yourself from the attention or presence of someone, to answer a door, look out the window etc, you always asked to be excused.  Manners were scrutinized by others and often a talking point in conversations and gossip.  The wealthiest and most educated of families greatly emphasised the excellence of manners in education and practice of their family members.

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 Emotions were often hid, especially if they were annoyed. It was habit to assume the best in people and situations. They took etiquette so seriously their words sound empty because it was the opposite of how they felt.

 People without manners or bad manners were looked down upon. No one wanted to socialize with them.  Manners were a way to increase marriageability  It has always been ladies first. Men are trained in Victorian etiquette to perform chivalry acts such as offering the lady a hand to go up her carriage. Ladies are never seen opening their own doors in the presence of a man, or carrying anything heavy.  It was rude to boast, brag or be pretentious. It was considered vulgar. One should always remain humble. Grooming  Grooming was of high importance.  No one came down to their breakfast in pajamas.  A lady's hair was always tied up in a chignon, in a bonnet unless she is still very young.

 The ladies always dressed modesty, in good taste and in very feminine colours with beads, laces and ribbons.  It was frowned upon otherwise. Posture and Poise  Ladies were trained to carry themselves well. They studied their movements, working to be graceful from the way they lift their dress as they cross a step etc. Including, of course, how to stand, sit, walk. How to take the arm of a man escorting them to their next place of destination, eat, speak, greet, dance etc.  They were taught to have poise, to gesture gently and elegantly. To never be in a hurry or seem flustered.  Good posture and gracefulness were seen as part of a woman's beauty. Victorian Etiquette Regarding Posture & Poise Posture and carriage was of utmost importance. Ladies were trained to carry themselves well. They studied their movements, working to be graceful from the way they lift their dress as they cross a step etc. Including, of course, how to

stand, sit, walk. How to take the arm of a man escorting them to their next place of destination, eat, speak, greet, dance etc. They were taught to have poise, to gesture gently and elegantly. To never be in a hurry or seem flustered. Good posture and gracefulness were seen as part of a woman's beauty. How To Be A Lady in a Victorian Etiquette Etiquette, 'How to be a lady' was considered part of an education of a female. In Victorian times, the foundation of female loveliness is a natural beauty. That simply means that a woman's beauty must be natural, with fair and clear skin due to good health, rosy cheeks due to excitement and a zest for life, interesting eyes due to a sharp, educated mind. Dress must be modest in feminine styles and colours are much preferred. There was a greater distinction in dress between men and women in Victorian times. There was no room for ambiguity. Victorian Etiquette - The Art Of Conversation With less options of entertainment in Victorian days compared to modern day, the art of conversation was highly regarded. That was because of their way of entertaining and leisure. Their social calendar would include, Afternoon teas, balls and dances, traveling to visit friends and family, going on walks, sports, watching someone paint or draw, hearing someone read or playing the piano. They often had company during those leisure activities. That is also who people develop friendships and acquaintances. If you didn't converse well, you probably would find yourself with less friends or social invitations etc. I suppose that is how they networked as well. Their means of elegant entertaining also were in the forms of hosting teas, balls (parties) and dinners. Ladies were judged by their manners on their upbringing. Their manners also reflected their class status, family's wealth and education. Even though, it wasn't always accurate. Interestingly, fine manners and etiquette was how shrewd ones deceived their way into marriages of wealthy partners, especially when they have a huge debt to repay. That worked both ways, men and women. So, the kind of manners a lady had were judged and determined the level of a man they would be entitled to marry. If they do not value their education of victorian etiquette, there was a higher chance they might not get married or will not be able to "marry well". Source: http://www.elegantwoman.org/victorian-etiquette.html

MANNERS FOR MEN Part One--As a Single Man by Michelle J. Hoppe I have heard it said that a title does not make a gentleman, but rather his manners. Truthfully, any titled male is a gentleman, but that does not necessarily means he acts appropriately. And there are those of the lowest birth who are the truest of gentlemen. So what exactly is a gentleman? A true gentleman is true to himself, is of moral strength and is thoughtful of others. He regards the rights and feelings of others, sometimes at his own expense. So how does this translate into manners? Let's start at the beginning....

CHILDHOOD Parents set the first examples for their children. Children learn what they observe at home. Therefore, a house filled with humor and contentment will raise a happy child. A house filled with slander and fault-finding will negate any lessons in etiquette the parent is trying to teach. Courtesy and politeness form a solid basis for a future gentleman, and should be practiced as well as taught. These manners, if learned properly, are carried into the school years. It is in school that boys begin to also learn the spirit of sportsmanship. A gentleman loses with grace, does not complain, and does not cheat. ADULTHOOD

Introductions An introduction is regarded as a social endorsement, and must be mutually agreeable between the parties being introduced. A gentleman never introduces himself to a lady. Only after she has granted permission can a mutual friend introduce them. The proper form of introduction is to present the gentleman to the lady. The person doing the introduction bows to the lady and says, "Miss Jones, allow me to introduce you to Mr. Smith." They both bow slightly and the gentleman opens conversation. A gentleman is careful about the character of any person he introduces to friends.

In the Street A gentleman's duty is always to his lady. He keeps to the curb side of the walk to protect her from the street, and steps aside for any other ladies who may approach them. In crowds, he may guide her with a hand to the shoulder, but never to the waist. In meeting an acquaintance, the gentleman nods for a male friend, but tips his hat for a man of higher distinction. He always raises his hat for a lady. The right of acknowledgement rests with the lady, however, and a gentleman waits for the lady to make the first move. The well-mannered man never puts out his hand in greeting unless the lady extends hers. Again, he defers to the lady to act first. Whistling and singing are considered in poor taste on city streets, although allowed on the quiet country road. A gentleman never walks with his hands in his pockets.

Conversations A good education is a sound basis for carrying on conversation. A gentleman should be able to talk on a variety of subjects, although he should never use vulgarisms in speech. Simplicity and terseness are the characteristics of a highly-cultivated person. A gentleman should also be a good listener, even if the talker is prolific. A gentleman conceals his dislikes and disgusts. Compliments are encouraged, but only if they are sincere. Flattery should be avoided at all costs. Slang is considered vulgar, and should never be used. Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational vulgarities. Interruption of speech is also a sin against good breeding. To show interest in the concerns of others is very complimentary, and should be practiced in conversation. Finally, a gentleman never mentions private matters in public or mixed assembly.

Dinner Parties and Receptions A gentleman is obliged to accept any invitation he receives, unless previously engaged. If he can not attend a function, he should inform the hostess as soon as possible. It is in poor manners to decline once an invitation has been accepted, especially the day of the event. A gentleman must not wear gloves to a dinner party. He has a grace of fifteen minutes past the invited time to arrive, although arriving too early is more pardonable than arriving too late. The servant who admits him takes his overcoat and hat. Should a lady be with him, he accompanies her upstairs and she enters the room slightly in front of him. The first person a gentleman greets upon entering the drawing room is the hostess. She introduces him to anyone in the party he does not know. She will then assign him a lady to escort into dinner, and he must make small talk with her until dinner is announced. A gentleman offers his lady the arm that will place her on the wall side of the staircase, if there is one. If not, he offers his right arm to his lady. Once in the dining room, he assists the lady into her seat, which is to his right. He must maintain conversation throughout the dinner, no matter

how hungry he is. The wineglass is never drained at a draught in a party, nor is it polite to eat too quickly or noisily. Thanking the servers may be done in moderation. Once dinner is over, the gentleman nearest the door opens it for the ladies and stands by it until they have departed the room. The gentlemen leave the dining room together after conversation, unless the host grants a man the permission to join the ladies by himself. The gentleman of highest distinction leaves first, and the host last. Once tea is passed around in the drawing room, the gentlemen take the empty cups from the ladies and place them in a safe spot. If a lady rises to sing or play the piano, the gentleman nearest the piano escorts her and arranges her music. The elders of the party make the first departure, unless a younger gentleman has a pressing engagement, like escorting a young lady to a ball. A guest never leaves a party without saying good-night to his host and hostess.

In A Carriage A man offers his right hand to the senior member of the party and walks her to the carriage, then opens the door with his left hand. He offers his arm to each lady in turn, protecting them from the elements as necessary. If he is not joining them, he closes the door and gives the orders to the footman or coachman. He then raises his hat as they drive away. If he joins them, he always takes the backward facing seat, unless he is invited to share the seat facing the horses. He should never raise or lower the windows unless invited to do so.

On Horseback If a gentleman is riding alone, he must not gallop noisily past a lady, so as not to startle her horse. In accompanying a lady, a gentleman keeps to her right, whether in town or on country roads. In a meet of hounds, a gentleman, when approaching ladies in a carriage, should not linger on a fidgety horse, as he may override the hounds. When a gentleman assists a lady onto horseback, he takes her left foot in his right hand, and when she springs, he helps her to the saddle. He then adjusts her left foot in the stirrup and arranges her habit for her. This is just a sampling of the strict code of behavior a man must follow in order to be considered a true gentleman. This only touches on the surface, and covers behavior in general social situations. But what happens when the gentleman wants to seriously court a lady? Stay tuned for part two.

Source: http://www.literary-liaisons.com/article027.html

Manners For Women Part One--As a Single Woman by Michelle J. Hoppe It matters not whether a lady has a title in order to be called a gentlewoman. Rather, a lady is identified by her behavior. Manners are a compound of spirit and form, and should be part of the education of every person of whatever calling or station in life. They know no social boundaries. True courtesy is the basis of all social conduct and can be learned by all. "Kindness of heart, of nobleness and of courage it true politeness of manner." So what, then is a gentlewoman? And how does this translate into manners? Let's start at the beginning....

Childhood A girl learns proper manners early on. The list is endless, from how and when to curtsey, to how to laugh. The laugh, like one's voice, is a test of good breeding and cultivation. It expresses refinement in its intonation. A lady's laugh should be short and unassuming. Young ladies should also learn to cultivate their memories and learn to express themselves freely so as to be able to converse well.

Adulthood General Appearance Here are just a few of the things a lady must keep in mind: 

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In walking, a woman's feet should be moderately turned out, the steps should be equal, firm and light. She should avoid a rapid pace, just as she should avoid a slow gait. And never should she shake from side to side when she walks. Proper young ladies do not indulge in cosmetics, hair-dyes or other forms of insincerity in personal appearance. Ladies do not wear pearls or diamonds in the morning.

Chaperonage An unmarried young woman, up to the age of thirty, must always accompanied by a chaperone when she goes out. This is to ensure that she is innocent, and to compel others to respect her innocence. It is the chaperone's duty to investigate the background and social standing of bachelors who come into the girl's orbit and keep at bay those who do not pass muster. Who could chaperone? Only married women could act as chaperones. An unmarried woman could not be alone in a room with a male visitor, even in her own home. Nor could she go anywhere with a man to whom she was not related unless a married gentlewoman or servant accompanied her. The only possible exception to act as chaperone was a governess who, being of genteel birth, was known to be respectable, but represented no matrimonial competition because of her lowly status. Introductions A lady should always grant permission for an introduction, unless there is a strong reason for refusing. When a lady is introduced to a gentleman, she should bow but not give her hand, unless the gentleman is a well-known friend of some member of the family. She may do so as a mark of esteem or respect. A gentleman must not offer to shake hands with a lady until she has made the first movement. The kiss is the most affectionate form of salutation, but is only proper among near relations and dear friends. It is given on the cheeks or forehead, and rarely in the public eye. Paying Calls Under no circumstances could a lady call on a gentleman alone unless she is consulting that gentleman on a professional or business matter. At the beginning of the Victorian Era, so long as a girl was unmarried and living at home, she had no separate visiting card. This changed by the end of the century. Should she have no mother, the card would bear her own name, along with her sisters if she has some. If a female chaperone is in residence, this woman's name would appear above the girl's name on the card. Conversations A good talker should be possessed of much general information, acquired by keen observation, attentive listening, a good memory, and logical habits of thought. Simplicity and terseness are characteristics of a well-educated lady. She never uses vulgarisms, flippancy, coarseness, triviality or provocation in her speech. Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational vulgarities.

A lady is sympathetic, unselfish and animating in her listening. To show any interest in the immediate concerns of people is very complimentary. She must maintain cheerful conversation. Religion and politics should never be introduced into conversation, for they are dangerous subjects to harmony. In addressing persons with titles, always add the name, as in 'Dr. Smith,' never merely 'Doctor.' Use the Christian name only for those who are relations or intimate friends. A lady never interrupts the speech of others, nor does she discuss private matters in public. A lady avoids all exhibitions of temper before others. Whether grief or joy, emotions should be subdued in public and only allowed full play in private apartments. Dinner Parties and Receptions In a private dance, a lady cannot refuse to dance with any gentleman who invites her unless she has a previous engagement. However, at public balls, a lady should dance only with gentlemen of her own party, or those with whom she has a previous acquaintance. Young ladies must be careful how they refuse to dance. She should give a good reason, lest the gentleman takes it as a personal dislike. Once a lady refuses, a gentleman should not urge her to dance, nor should the lady accept another invitation for the same dance. An unattached lady never dances more than three dances with the same partner. A lady is never seen in a ball-room without gloves. They must be white or of a very delicate hue. In the Street A true gentlewoman can be distinguished at first glance. There is a quiet self-possession about her that marks her out from the florid lower classes. Self-effacement is the rule of good manners. A gentlewoman goes quietly along, intent on her own business. She walks quietly through the streets, seeing and hearing nothing that she ought not to see and hear. She recognizes acquaintances with a courteous bow, and friends with words of greeting. She never talks loudly, or laughs boisterously or does anything to attract the attention of passers-by. A lady, meeting a gentleman with whom she has an acquaintance, shall give the first bow of recognition. A young lady should never 'cut' a married lady. It is the privilege of age to recognize those who are younger in years. A lady never forms an acquaintance upon the street, or seeks to attract the attention or admiration of persons of the opposite sex. A lady never looks back after anyone in the street, or turns to stare in a public place. She should never walk alone in the street after dark.

She keeps from contact with her neighbor in public conveyances as much as is possible, never leaning up against another or spreading her arms. She may accept the offer of services from a stranger in alighting from, or entering a conveyance, and should acknowledge the courtesy. On Horseback For riding, stallions were too frisky for ladies. Mares and geldings may be used, but women and children favored ponies. They were smaller than horses and easier to handle. In rare instances where women drove horses, they usually drove a one-horse carriage. "Four-in-hands" were too much for a woman to handle. On horseback, a lady rode side saddle, alternating sides each day so as not to develop an overly enhanced buttock on one side. Riding astride was looked on as risque.

So what is a true gentlewoman? She is "an emanation from the heart subtilized by culture."

Source: http://www.literary-liaisons.com/article031.html

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