Introduction          Dear Reader,          Just recently, an archeologist named Savanna Scripter discovered the long lost diary of  Augustus Caesar. It was found in an old, rotting room that had various velvet cushions strewn  about and smelled of royal sweat. The bed was placed next to a pile of old papery magazines  labeled "GIRLS". The bed had a canopy of reddish orange felt with  golden pillows scattered  around the bed.  Savanna found the diary in an open drawer that had once held a confusing  lock on it, but the lock had apparently rotted away over time. A photocopied edition of the diary  is included in this book. Although most of the pages of the diary have dissolved, we still have  plenty of information. This amazing discovery changed history and people's outlook on  Augustus Caesar's life and family. I encourage everyone to read his diary.

   Augustus' Diary 10-1-27 Dear Diary, My dumb dad will NOT stop talking about Cleopatra! It's like, she's kind of pretty, but ALL the unmarried men are fighting over her with wars! This Cleopatra stuff is getting a little out of hand. Today dad invited her over for dinner, and she declined, so he spent the rest

of the day in his room crying like one of those whiney guards that don't do anything. 12-1-27 Dear Diary, Yesterday, my dumb dad was so angry at Cleopatra for not liking him that he ran off and like, got himself assassinated at a meeting. To add to the chaos of the week, my little sister, Octavia, came home jumping for joy because Mark, her so called "boyfriend" gave her an engagement ring. Seriously, he is WAY too old for her. She's only 16, you know. Mark isn't even strong! He's like a soggy dishrag. Who would ever want to date such a disgusting and revolting creature? He has barely any hair, and his eyes are that nasty brownish green color. 17-1-27

Dear diary,

My dad is the stupidest person on the face of the planet! He made me heir to the throne when I'm not even the oldest! However, I look at this city as a city of bricks, and I plan to leave it as a like, country of marble. Today I started my first war because this guy named Lepidus tried to make himself emperor instead of me. I won because my guys circled him and he surrendered, but I felt bad so he got 1/1000 of my land. 20-1-30 Dear Diary, Octavia is such a jerk! She came home crying today because Mark, her boyfriend ditched her for Cleopatra! Anyone should know not to date a boy like him! Anyway, I started a war against both Mark's and Cleopatra's combined forces. But I had to send my little doofus

brother to war. Some good things happened today too. The really pretty girl Scribonia, who married me last year is pregnant with our first kid, who will be named like, the only good name,obviously, Julia. She will be born in like, 2 days! 23-1-41 Dear Diary, Today I decided to build this totally cool peace building I'm going to call the Ara Pacis. It will be covered in carvings of peace. Everyone will think of me as like, the best emperor ever! I also enlarged Rome and got like, 300 more miles of city! Half of my domain is made of MARBLE! I am super awesome. 28-1-42 Dear Diary, I just met the most attractive woman EVER named Livia! She has the most perfect face, like pure

buttermilk, and her hair is plaited gold. Her eyes are a pretty emerald green, and her teeth are shiny pearls. She is like, already married, so I'll like, force her to divorce so I can marry her instead. She does love me, she is just married to someone else. 30-1-42 Dear Diary, I just found out that my beloved Livia has 2 sons, plus Julia, who is like, 3 years old! I can't believe I get 3 kids! We can let them help the guards, besides of course, the oldest, who needs training to be the next totally awesome ruler. 35-1-42 Dear Diary, Today I got married to Livia at a gorgeous hill next to some god's temple. The banquet had lots of wine, which was important, and candied nuts and dried fruit. The

cake had the most pretty gold and silver frosting, and a little mini Livia figurine and a big picture of me. At this cool wedding, I met Livia's little kids, Nero Drusus and my heir, Tiberius. They are spitting images of Livia. I wonder what happened to Scribonia? Well, she's probably living with some ugly cobbler with no kids. Whatever. She wasn't pretty anyway. Now that I’m married, I’m going to live a totally awesome life until the day I die.   Everyone made Augustus Caesar out to be a strong leader, but his diary reveals that he  was quite unstable. His real personality was that of a normal teen’s personality, not the strong,  ruthless leader everyone thought he was.  His diary was an amazing and incredible discovery,  and it had a colossal impact on society. History will never be the same. 

By: Savanna Scripter