Asperger‟s & Marriage Living with spouse who doesn’t fit the mold Jonathan Feather, Psy D & Joshua Jensen, LM FTA

H ow d id I get here? Individual therapy Recent (1994) subm ission of AS in the DSM IV m akes d iscovery in ad ults d ifficu lt Anyone 25 or old er w ould have m ost likely m issed d etection

A child being diagnosed The genetic com ponent.

Marriage therapy Seeing trend s in relationship d uring courtship and m arriage Current statistics report a higher than 40% d ivorce rate in Am erica. Little research is established for AS and N T stats but som e suggest that closer to 80% of these relationships end in d ivorce

Trend s in Cu ltu re Trad itional vs. Mod ern Relationships Many of the problem s betw een m en and w om en have been overlooked in the past but now ad ays, w om en are expecting m uch better com m unication, em otional expressiveness, em pathy and a d eeper connection from m en “They are no longer prepared to accept the „w om en feel and m en think‟ view ” -M axine A ston Changes in cu lture m ake these problem s w ith their AS partner m ore problem atic and pronounced

Asperger‟s is a Spectru m We u se “spectru m ” to refer to the m any qu alities that can be present w ithin AS popu lation The problem s w ith labels- What is the d ifference betw een Asperger‟s and H igh Fu nctioning Au tism ? Som etim es N T‟s and AS ind ivid u als share sim ilar traits Ou t of 100 p ieces, som eone w ith AS w ill m aybe have 80 and a N T w ill only have 10 -Tony A ttwood

H ow Com m on is AS? The prevalence is reported to be anyw here from 1 in 1,000 people to 1 in 250 people. Males versu s fem ales: originally thou ght to be abou t 20:1, m ore recently anyw here from 8:1 to 2:1 (m ales: fem ales). Often traits are observed in fam ily tree. Engineers and Accou ntants often in the fam ily of those d iagnosed w ith AS. Technical and analytic careers are w ell-su ited to Aspies.

Them es in the Relationship Strengths of the AS Partner Loyal, Consistent H onest, Moral, Ethical Intelligent, Logical Often less interested in physical appearance of partner Child -like or you thfu l in d isposition

Common Problems Difficu lties in com m unication for both the AS and N T Speaking a d ifferent langu age

Sex and intim acy Loneliness Being und erstood and appreciated

Cognitive Differences Central Coherence – the ability to use information to see the big picture (often get caught up in the details and miss the gist of a situation) Multi-channel input VS. single channel input Big picture VS. d etail and accuracy focu s Mem ory for gist VS. m em ory for facts Sees things in context VS. sees things ind epend ent of context

Theory of Mind – the innate ability to know and u nd erstand that other people

have thou ghts, feelings, and d esires that are d ifferent from their ow n. Lack of aw areness Problem s read ing non -verbal signs Im paired em pathy

Strategies

Approach an AS spou se w ith logic Avoid m u lti-step tasks or requ ests An AS person w ill learn things cognitively w hile others learn throu gh intu ition

You cannot change neu rology bu t you can change the w ay you com m u nicate

Strategies in Com m u nication Many w om en cite com m u nication issu es as the m ost problem atic in the relationship The partner w ith AS w ill have m ore d ifficu lty read ing and send ing non -verbal inform ation Make explicit you r ow n need s and w ants. Do not assu m e the AS spou se know s w hat you w ant. Do not assu m e you know w hat you r N T partner w ants It is often helpfu l to explain to the AS partner the logical rational, or the “w hy” of you r requ est

Com m u nication Cont. Deal w ith one su bject at a tim e Give the AS partner tim e to ad ju st to requ ests and new circu m stances. Und erstand that “no” m ay be the first response to new id eas bu t this m ay m ean “I need m ore tim e to think abou t it” Find w ays to brid ge the gap betw een the em otional w orld and cognitive/ thinking w orld When N T partner w ants the AS partner to know how she feels, use thinking w ord s and sentences to go along w ith the feeling w ord s - “I feel unim portant” & “When I tell you about som ething im portant and you d on‟t ask m e questions, it often m akes m e think you d o not care about w hat happened to m e.”

Expectations Ou tsid e the Marriage

Don‟t expect to get everything from you r AS spou se Look to connect w ith other w om en to bu ild m eaningfu l friend ships w ith ind ivid u als and grou ps

For the AS partner, u tilize activities that are em otional restoratives Tim e alone, aw ay from others, possibly w ith special interest Use the Sensory Bu d get concept: “anticipate w hat things w ill be hard and how

m u ch they w ill „cost‟”

-A lex M ichaels

Other Strategies The transition from w ork to hom e m ay be especially d ifficu lt for an AS person Try to allow tim e to contem plate and ease into transitions Do not attem pt to negotiate w hen stress or anxiety is high. Call a “tim e -ou t” and re-approach the su bject at an agreed u pon tim e Be clear abou t the expectations for the d ivision of labor w ithin the hom e and parenting. Check in w ith one another abou t how ad equ ately these expectations are being m et

More Strategies Do not take AS partner‟s behaviors or apparent lack of interest personally Don‟t be afraid to ask the AS partner abou t am bigu ou s rem arks Com parison to N T cou ples can be m islead ing

Be m ind fu l to review you r AS partner‟s strengths

Fam ily and Friend s Fam ily and friend s m ay have a d ifficu lt tim e u nd erstand ing you r relationship either by m inim izing d ifficu lties “he‟s ju st a m an” or by seeing the relationship as intolerable “w hy d o you pu t u p w ith that?” It is very com m on to feel alone w ithin m arriage. It is im portant to know that m any others have felt just as you d o. Fam ily and friend s und erstand ing w ill take a great d eal of tim e and effort Develop a level of expertise to explain AS to fam ily m em bers. Ask for help and support w hen possible Find others you can trust and if possible, share the sam e issues. Find experts in AS w ho can guid e you through and offer m arriage therapy if necessary

Resou rces

Kathy J. Marshack “Going over the Edge” (2009) Maxine C. Aston “The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome” (2001) Tony Attw ood “The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome” (2007) Barbara Jacobs “Loving Mr. Spock” (2003)