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Are You Date Ready? Online Dating Secrets Revealed Okay, time for a gut check. So, you think you’re ready to date. Perhaps even ready to be in a serious relationship. Hmm… let’s take a personal inventory, shall we? Because, it’s all about mental attitude, combined with knowledge and experience, my friend. Dating requires a positive approach and lots of energy. You’ll need to get on out there, make some mistakes, brush yourself off, and continue the process of learning about yourself and what you want and need in a partner. Why? Because it’s not easy to find your Mr. or Ms. Right – yet the ability to do so is all within your control. Shh! That would be the first “secret” I’ll reveal.
But, hey, listen up! The good news is that, while the internet is merely one avenue for meeting someone, it is quite possibly the best avenue out there, if used wisely. You’ve gotta be sharp to be successful in the online dating pool. I’m here to guide you through the sometimes murky waters.
What does it mean, as a single 35+ year-old in the online dating market to be “date ready”? How should you approach this fantastic resource for meeting singles in order to optimize your time, money, and efforts spent? Come on… we’re going to take the plunge and find out.
What Does It Mean to be “Date Ready”?
Once we’ve hit our mid-thirties and beyond, we tend to have quite a bit of relationship experience under our belts. Typically, this entails a history of girl- or boyfriends, one-night stands, a marriage (or two), perhaps even what people term “friends with benefits.” Along the way, we met the one we still rightly or wrongly carry a torch for, the one(s) we wish we’d never met, the one who got away – and made new friends, who have since vented and cried on our shoulder about the very same experiences. Ugh… In hindsight, it can all be a bit discouraging. Or, you can view such history in its entirety, and deem the cumulative effect to be the reason you are the awesome, date-ready individual you are today. Am I right? Just nod your head.
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Being date ready is about having a healthy attitude towards your past, and being ready to move forward into the future. It means being happy with where you are in life, and open to the idea of having someone come into your life, enhance it, and share it with you. Your ultimate goal is to find someone with whom you are compatible in ways that will enable you both to grow as individuals, and to grow together. Hence, it is not so much about wanting to have someone “complete” you (apologies to Jerry Maguire) as it is a willingness to have someone who will help grow you as a person, and for whom you will gladly return the favor. Oh, and for those of you screaming “I need chemistry!” right about now? Chemistry is a component. So, settle down, please. What I’m proposing here is a recipe for mutual, sustainable happiness.
Being “date ready” requires that you be in a position emotionally to receive and to give, for that is what will be required of you in a relationship – which, herein, is assumed to be the ultimate goal and measure of dating “success.” So, consider what it is you have to offer to a prospective partner. Can you share about yourself as well as listen? Do you have the desire and time to get to know someone through conversation, shared activities, and social outings as a couple and possibly with other friends? Do you have a car? Hey! I’m not kidding. One of the largest dating websites out there, PlentyOfFish.com, asks you to answer that very question to complete your profile.
Know, too, that you cannot be thin-skinned to date. This is especially true in the online world, where people are fairly anonymous, and rejection is protection. If you give someone a “wrong” vibe, their rejecting you is as easy as deleting your wink or email. One keystroke, baby! Now, on the positive side, such quick rejection means you’ve fast-forwarded to “we’re not right for each other,” – which is highly efficient, when you think about it, and often not even personal. My point is, you can’t bruise easily. Accept receiving and giving rejection as an inherent part of dating. It can happen before you meet, after you’ve met, even months into a relationship. Dating is a selection process, and rejection a valuable by-product. View rejection as a tool for gaining self-knowledge, and improving your radar (i.e., your ability to read others).
So, if you’re happy in life, but would welcome the opportunity to personally give and receive, possess the desire and energy to meet new people, and accept that rejection will be part of the
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playing field, then… I deem you ready to date! And, by extension, I deem you ready to date online.
Dating Online: An Overview
I believe there are two big misconceptions about online dating: 1) That everyone online is looking for his/her soulmate, and 2) That finding one’s soulmate online is faster than in real life. Both misconceptions reflect an assumption that online dating is vastly different than regular dating. Allow me to slap you upside the head. The internet is a cyber bar, which strongly resembles a real bar. By the way, in case you’ve overlooked it, all places you encounter singles have one thing in common: People are there for the same reasons! Some people are focused on hooking up (i.e., having casual sex), others to “get back out there” after ending a relationship, others for a fling or to initiate an extramarital affair, and others – voile! -- to find that elusive soulmate.
There is a candy store mentality in both places. People check each other out (view each other’s profile), check out the other options (browse other profiles), tap each other on the shoulder (the Match.com equivalent of which would be to send someone a “wink”), hover (repeatedly view someone’s profile), strike up conversation (shoot someone an email), and see if/how the other person responds. Oh! Timely example of how cyber bar mirrors real-life bar: Just because your Ideal Man or Woman is sketched out via your profile’s criteria doesn’t preclude all sorts of “wrong” people from hitting on you. Just as you would deflect an unwanted suitor in real life, it’s your job to control and manage your contacts online.
Now, herein lies the beauty of online dating: You get a lot of information about complete strangers upfront! Also, you have the opportunity to meet people with whom you’d otherwise never come into contact! That totally kicks you-know-what over real-world dating. While the upfront info doesn’t guarantee you will find Mr. or Ms. Right at lightning speed, you can clearly use it to your advantage to weed out people who are wrong for you. Likewise, you can use it to identify people who are right for you. And this, my friend, is what makes the internet one of the best, if not the best, places to meet someone.
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While I don’t advocate making dating websites your one and only solution to finding a partner, it is indeed a resource, and a powerful prospecting tool for meeting singles. How else to explain the numerous success stories of happy couples who met through eHarmony, Yahoo Personals, Match, and others? So, if you’re looking for love, it only makes sense that you should learn how to use online dating efficiently.
Are you a total internet dating newbie? Then, this e-book should provide an introduction to the basics of internet dating, and give you insight for using it as the effective Mr. or Ms. Rightmeeting tool that it absolutely can be. If you’re a veteran online dater, it is my hope you will learn a few things to improve your approach, as well as validate or clarify some of what you’ve undoubtedly learned through trial-and-error.
Meeting people using dating websites has become easier and more popular in recent years. There is a multitude of sites, and increasing specialization. With technology providing so much at our fingertips, many people working out of their homes, and other factors making “immediate gratification” the norm, it makes sense that we embrace the ability to search for a potential partner from the comfort and relative anonymity of our home. Why dress up and go to a bar for a night of uncertainty when you can browse profiles of eligible, local singles selected based on your criteria, while sitting safely at home, in your pajamas, with a beer or cup of tea at your elbow? The stigma of apparent desperation and loneliness has disappeared, as people have opted for the convenience and “candy shop” appeal of the online dating world. In short, the pros seem to outweigh the cons as men and women recognize there is no shame to putting their face and biography online and announcing to the world that they’re looking for romance.
The biggest pro to meeting people online, versus through the “real world” (which preserves the traditional order of observing someone in the flesh first, deciding to date second), is that it enables you to encounter people whose paths might otherwise not cross yours. Plus, there’s a huge bonus: You get a lot of personal information about said people upfront. For example, you can determine, prior to meeting, if there is mutual interest regarding appearance, age, height, geographic location, interests, marital status (whether divorced or never married), number of or desire to have children, religion, income, and occupation. Also, you will likely know one
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another’s dating goals – is he/she looking for a friend, an activity partner, a “quick hit” (often not difficult to surmise), a future spouse, or all the above?
There are, however, also cons to online dating, which should be acknowledged and respected. First, unlike coming across someone in a grocery store, which is a random, expectation-free meeting, with online dating, you meet because you are hoping the two of you will be drawn to each other. The meet is deliberate, and charged with purpose. As a result, things can feel pressured or unnatural. Additionally, because you have so much information on someone before even meeting them, there’s a bit of a “cart before the horse” element. Sexual tension may have built up over email and phone conversations, only to be ignited or quashed by the in-person meeting.
Second, while you do obtain a lot of information about potential online dates through his/her profile, some or all of that information may be false – and you could be risking your heart (e.g., with a married man posing as single), if not your life (e.g., with a psycho woman who initially seems normal) by choosing to meet. You need to take precautions to be safe. This is particularly true if you have young children living with you.
Third, you have to know what you’re doing when you’re online. It is imperative that you market yourself well with a quality profile, be very clear as to whom you’re seeking, and know your online dating goal. All this is required so you can approach online dating seriously, intelligently, and purposefully. Otherwise, you are wasting valuable time and money, and likely going to be frustrated as hell! Such a poor investment will leave you sad and dissatisfied when the weak efforts you have made bring undesirable people your way, prompting you to ask, “What was I thinking, joining these sites?” I, by the way, will be shaking my head at you, declaring, “There was absolutely no reason to expect any better. You’ve no one to blame but yourself.”
I tell you these things because I do want you to approach on-line dating with the proper attitude. I know from personal experience and from coaching others in this area that proper guidance and a serious, deliberate focus can enable you to harness the power of the internet to meet your future partner.
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So, how do you get your face and bio out there on the net? I recommend starting with a little research. Go to Google.com and input “dating websites.” Check out the various sites and see which ones appeal to you. Some offer to match up site members using a computerized model designed to assess personality traits and values. These dating websites, such as eHarmony.com, PerfectMatch.com, and Chemistry.com, have you complete somewhat lengthy questionnaires, which are then used to categorize you by various personality types. The idea is that your type will be more or less compatible with specific other personality types. These pairings are meant to assist you in searching a site’s database of members, and identify people with whom you are more likely to hit it off in person. In fact, some sites, perhaps most famously eHarmony.com, disallow database searches, and completely control member matching. Make sure that with them you answer all questions truthfully, but not in such a way that would exclude acceptable people from your matches. No matter how “reliable” a matchmaking model, you are still the expert on knowing whom should you should date.
Other sites leave their databases wide open, but seek to attract members who have a common interest or activity. A tiny sample of these would be CountrySingles,com, TheFitnessPersonals.com, GreenSingles.com, or EquestrianSingles.com. The list goes on and on. You might also wish to consider joining a site that has religion as its common denominator. These would include JDate.com, ChristianSingles.com, and CatholicSingles.com. Again, do your research when it comes to choosing one or more dating websites to join.
Know that the most popular sites go for a broader approach, in order to afford you a higher volume of potential matches (which you identify for yourself). These vary by cost, required biographical input for your profile, and search and contact features. Consider joining one or more of the most popular sites if you wish to market yourself to many active members, thereby achieving the biggest “bang for your buck.” Dating websites that fall into this category are Match.com, Personals.Yahoo.com, and PlentyofFish.com (which, by the way, is both high volume and free). What I want you to understand is that there are many, many dating websites, representing unlimited opportunities to meet people. Find one or more which appeal to you, and give them a test run. You can always choose to cancel a subscription, and try another site.
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Remember that other people out there are doing the same thing – so, you’re bound to encounter some familiar faces. Your goal is to join those “pools” of singles where your chances of encountering Mr. or Ms. Right are maximized. As many people will tell you, finding true love, whether in real life or online, is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Choosing the right dating site(s) for you is the first step towards achieving that goal.
Once you’ve decided on the site(s) to join, you need to complete the membership registration process. This generally includes creating a username and the all-important profile.
A cool username can be a great hook for grabbing someone’s initial attention. If it speaks to your personality and interests (e.g., Shaken Not Stirred, for a James Bond fan), go for it! A username can, however, spark a negative impression, so take a bit of care here. If you are distrustful of your wit, stick with something safe and neutral. Don’t risk burdening yourself with a bad handle (i.e., Dork Needing Woman) when safe will suffice (i.e., Jake527).
Now, the profile is where you really need to invest your time. Think of it as your resume, your chance to pique someone’s curiosity, and to prompt contact. It is your chance to shine, to reveal who you are and who you are seeking. Make it entertaining, but honest. Above all, make it reflect the real you. Because, this is the person who will be showing up for the date, right? Push him or her to the foreground, but presented in the best possible light.
Let’s start with the questions about you. Be truthful when describing your height, body type, and marital status. After all, no one likes a liar, and the truth – especially the height and weight -will immediately be revealed when you meet someone in person.
As you move on to the questions about your Ideal Man/Woman, try to be as specific as possible, but not to the point where you eliminate the possibilities of meeting someone fantastic, who is not necessarily your “Ideal.” For example, if ideally you’d like to meet someone who is 5’ 10” to 6’ tall, but know you could find happiness with someone 5’ 9” to 6’ 3,” for God’s sake, select 5’ 9” to 6’ 3” as your height criteria! Likewise, if you’ve always felt a special kinship with people within two years of your age, but realize it is the attitudinal more than the chronological
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age that truly matters to you, consider making your desired age range within 5-10 years of your own age in either direction. I mean, why the heck not?
On the other hand, if you know dating someone of your own faith is inherent to your value system, and that it is necessary that someone be the same religion as you, identify your Ideal Man or Woman accordingly. Likewise, if you know you absolutely do not want to have children with a future partner, say so by checking the appropriate box. The point is, be clear on what you want and do not want in a potential future mate. These Must Haves and Can’t Stands are commonly known as “deal breakers.” To ignore, omit, or lie about them is to be misleading in your profile, and will waste your time and others’. So, again, do be honest.
Taking good pictures and writing a sound biography or personal statement for your profile is incredibly important. I am frankly amazed at the number of poor quality and even unflattering photographs people post of themselves online. Couple that with a lackluster bio, and what reason does anyone have for noticing you?
In reviewing many poor profiles in the past, I’ve often wondered what prompts people to post pictures of random things, such as pets, sunsets, and plant life? Perhaps these men and women feel they are baring their soul here, somehow revealing profound things about themselves? They are ill-informed. Unless you are a professional photographer showcasing a favorite shot (and that’s still a stretch), displaying such pictures in your profile is meaningless to someone who hasn’t met you, and has no relevance when trying to attract the man/woman of your dreams. People want to know what you look like, get a vibe of your personality. They want to see your smile, and get a good luck at your eyes! Again, your profile is the first impression – visual and verbal -- you make of someone online. To be honest, visual far outweighs verbal.
Make that first impression a good one by posting clear, flattering, up-close, sunglass-free photos of the star of the show: You! Not of your dog, not of your sports car, not of your boat. Here’s another tip: If you’re proud of your body? That’s great, but this is not the place to post your beef- or cheesecake shots. Men, keep your shirts on, and, ladies, spare us the lingerie or boobsin-your face photos. Such shots are not appropriate for your profile – and may even wind up on
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shall we say less-than-respectable websites you’ve no desire of joining? It happens. When you are looking to meet someone you want to show, through your images, that you are warm, happy, and self-respecting. Your pictures should reflect the fact that you take dating and marketing yourself seriously.
When it comes to writing your biography, try to convey who you are at your core, but in a lighthearted way. Tell about yourself by injecting your personality into your writing. Try using humor and anecdotes to describe activities that you like, values that matter to you, and what you’re seeking in a partner. What funny observations have you made lately about life? How quickly are you to laugh at yourself? Is your work your passion, simply a means of financing a lifestyle, or something in between?
If necessary, search profiles to educate yourself as to how your photos and bio can be better. When you see a profile that visually and/or verbally captivates you, print it out, and use it as an inspiration and as a starting point. Know that your profile (pictures, search criteria, and biography) is meant to evolve – to change and improve -- as you get better at knowing who you are and whom you want to attract. Use your profile to convey and sell the real and best you.
Remember when dating online that the critical difference here is that you are meeting someone through the internet. You need to approach things differently, precisely for this reason! You can’t rely on friends’ impressions of the person, and need to rely entirely on YOURSELF to determine if this individual is who they represent themselves to be. So, you need to know yourself well, and you need your radar to be quick and accurate, to prevent your wasting time, and giving away pieces of your heart to people with whom you are not a good fit.
From my own experience, and that of friends’ and clients’, I have come to learn there are many do’s and don’ts of online dating. Here are some of the biggest, and should therefore help you up the learning curve of online dating:
Do’s of Online Dating
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Do pick the right online dating website(s) for you. Google “dating websites” and start comparing! Some well-known sites, in no particular order, are: eHarmony.com, Match.com, Personals.Yahoo.com, POF.com, MillionaireMatch.com, Chemistry.com, and True.com. Visit a number of sites, and surf around to get a flavor. You have choices with regards to what types of singles are being targeted, and membership terms and features. Think about who you’re looking for, and what sites would likewise appeal to them. Do you want a site that chooses people for you (based on a matching model), one that has tons of members, or a niche site that is geared towards people of a particular race, religion, or interest? These are the questions that should guide your research. Consider a trial membership, knowing that you can always cancel or extend your membership at a later date. Also, consider being on numerous dating sites at once, so that you can compare experiences and results.
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Do take online dating seriously. Take ownership of your dating experience, and approach it in a way that makes the best use of your time. When you decide to date online, it all begins with your profile. I’ve viewed many profiles which have obviously been thrown together. By this, I mean poor quality photos, skipped fields where the member should be expressing valuable criteria about a prospective partner, and bios filled with clichés, lacking personality, and including typographical and grammatical errors. What a turn-off! Who wants to meet someone who doesn’t care enough to market him or herself well?
When it comes to your online profile, ask yourself do you want to slap it together, or create something with pride that screams, “You want to meet me, because here is who I am”? Expect results to mirror the quality of your profile. Remember: Your profile is the first impression in the “cyber bar.” Think of it as your resume. Use it to convey what is real and best about you. •
Do allow for “wiggle room” in your dating parameters. While you should be clear on who constitutes your ideal partner, don’t make your criteria so strict or specific as to eliminate an individual you would consider attractive in real life. If you are a 5’ 7”
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woman whose ideal man is at least 6’, ask yourself, “Would I really turn away a great guy who otherwise met all my criteria just because he’s 5’ 10”? If you’re a man who typically loves blondes, ask yourself, “Have I ever felt strongly attracted to a brunette or redhead?” I’ll bet you have. So, why would you eliminate them from your pool of potential online dates?
When you researched dating websites, you likely viewed people’s answers to these very questions. Why? Because they are important, and often dealbreakers. They are the things that matter most to most people. It is up to you to determine the degree to which something is a dealbreaker. Smoking is a dealbreaker to some, a mere inconvenience to another. Some people are all about astrological signs! The point is, give yourself license to create your own Must Have’s and Can’t Stand’s. Give yourself permission to reject someone based on whether or not they have or lack qualities that matter to you. This is how you determine compatibility. You’ll save yourself lot of time and heartache by being honest and setting realistic standards.
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Do search for Mr./Ms. Right – don’t rely on being “found.” Once you’re on one or more dating website(s), it’s time to search the database! You should already have formulated a list of Must Have’s and Can’t Stand’s, so input some or all of these parameters into the site’s Search feature, and see the list of members it generates. Keep in mind that people will be looking for you in the same way, and input your Ideal Man/Woman criteria accordingly. What are the most important things you’re looking for in a potential partner? Someone with or without children? Who lives within 25 miles or your home town? Does he/she need to be over a certain height? How do you feel about dating a non-Christian, a smoker, a drinker?
Go through the search results, and review the profiles generated. Look for people who appeal to you both visually and verbally. Once you locate someone who interests you, you can either initiate contact with that person or, if the website has a “viewed my profile” feature, hope that the member will notice you were interested in them, and take
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the first step. Generally speaking, men tend to contact women more than vice versa, as they often like to be the pursuers. Conversely, women often find that, if a man is not interested enough in them to initiate contact, it doesn’t bode well for a potential relationship. The choice is yours. •
Do respond to emails and/or initiate contact in a way that is productive and efficient. As stated above, once you have a quality profile, search the website based on criteria most important to you. Maybe set aside a few profiles and analyze why you find them appealing. In the meantime, realize people will also be initiating contact with you. How do you handle such contacts? What I’ve learned from my own experience and interviews with both men and women is that you should not encourage people who don’t meet your criteria for a partner. Time and time again, I hear of the frustration caused by people breaking their own rules for search parameters. For example, “dialog-ing” with someone who lives too far away. It inevitably translates into wasted hours. While it’s flattering to get the attention, especially if you find the person’s pictures highly attractive, for most people geography is a huge factor when it comes to dating. But, if you and your partner have a truly flexible lifestyle, you may be able to bend here. Again, it’s a personal decision. But, know that, if you’ll never be able to get together with the frequency required for a fulfilling relationship, there’s really no need to initiate nor continue a conversation with someone. Don’t get sucked in! Stick to your dating criteria, and only engage in communication with someone who “fits the bill.”
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Do approach meeting someone in steps. View meeting someone in person as a series of mini “graduations.” Start with an initial contact, and then move up to more lengthy emails or Instant Messaging. IM’g, in particular, can be very good for seeing how someone communicates on the fly – especially when you consider some profiles are ghostwritten, and therefore not an accurate representation of how someone interacts. If you’re still interested, and things appear to be going well, suggest talking on the phone. If things go well on the phone, and you continue to sense a positive energy between the two of you, then consider meeting in person. Bear in mind along the way: The goal is not to have as many dates as possible, rather it is to invest time ONLY in people with
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whom there is clear potential of achieving your dating goal – that of finding Mr./Ms Right. Continually ask yourself at each step, “Do I want to keep talking to this person? Does it make sense to do so?” If not, then communication should be brought to a close. Whether you verbalize this decision, or allow it to remain unsaid, always know that, by not pursuing the relationship, you are doing what is right for you. Own that decision, be confident in it, and always act with courtesy and respect. As a result, you will also be doing what is right for the other person. •
Do be cautious of people who are fresh out of a long-term relationship (also known as an “LTR”). Have you heard people say it takes two years to fully recover from a divorce? Or, that it takes twice as many months as you were in a now defunct 6+ month relationship to mend your broken heart? There is a reason for talk of post-breakup “recovery periods,” desire for solitude, and the fear of rebound relationships. Most of us need time to mourn the end of an LTR, recalibrate our newly single selves, and reset our emotional readiness button. If we dive prematurely into the next relationship, we can doom it with our temporary fragility. So, know that you are taking a risk if you choose to date someone who is currently separated, or fresh out of a divorce or LTR. Know, too, that many people just say no to this dating scenario.
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Do remember that you can’t know if there will be chemistry until you meet in person. So often clients tell me about six-hour phone conversations, spicy IM sessions, or lengthy emails going back and forth between them and their latest online love whom they’ve yet to look in the eye. “This one’s different!” they insist. “I’ve never had so much in common with someone before! He/she feels exactly the same way! We definitely share a special connection.” Look, I’m sorry to burst your puppy love bubble, but you simply cannot know until you meet in person if the two of you will have chemistry. You can both be desperate for it to be there, and it still won’t materialize. Know this in advance, relax, go for the meet, and let nature run its course.
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Do show interest in your date. Everyone deserves to be treated with courtesy and respect. The dating world is no different. But, as I’ve said before, it’s challenging for
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everyone to meet Mr. or Ms. Right. You’ll likely have to go on a lot of dates before meeting him or her. This holds true even if you know yourself well, and are highly adept at identifying prospective dates who meet all your criteria. Approach each date with a positive attitude. Be interesting and interested. But! Thou shalt not send mixed signals, mind you, by acting flirtatious or attracted if you are not. Do, however, engage in conversation, give eye contact, and focus attention on the individual you’ve agreed to meet. Do this even if you register disappointment when exchanging introductions. Conversely, if you are attracted, and don’t act interested? Well, obviously… you really will have blown it. In short, act interested, be honest and respectful, but be transparent. •
Do keep the first date short and casual. In fact, think of it as a first meet. It’s the introductory session, an opportunity for the two of you to simply lay your eyes on each other and spend a brief period in each other’s presence. Its purpose is to see if there is chemistry and a mutual desire to get to know one another – in short, to determine if you both want a second meeting… which is, in effect, the first real date. If you adopt this approach, you will be more comfortable, and act more naturally. Why? Because the expectations of your first face-to-face will have been lowered, and the accompanying pressure lessened. This is why people frequently suggest getting together for coffee or a quick drink for their initial meeting. It saves nerves, time, and (another positive!) money.
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Do dress appropriately. This shouldn’t require much elaboration. Dressing like you stepped out of fashion magazine is wholly unnecessary, but it is important to dress tastefully. Not sloppy, not like you’re headed for the gym, and not as though you work in a brothel. Go for well-groomed, in-style, and flattering. Avoid dressing in a manner that is too casual or overtly sexy.
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Do trust your gut. Don’t waste time on people who give you a wrong or bad feeling. Someone can appear through their profile to meet all your criteria for height, age, interest, proximity… all the things that matter to you. Yet, maybe something in their bio (e.g. the way they word what they’re looking for in a partner), the way they initiate
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contact with you (e.g., an email with the Subject line: “Hey, Baby”), just an overall vibe makes you react with “Ick,” or “That’s odd,” or “I don’t like that.”
Most of us have fairly good intuition – we’ve just never listened to it or chosen to trust it. I’m telling you right now: Listen to the gut. If something about a person gives you the creeps or otherwise “sends up red flags,” trust that there is a legitimate reason for it. Send a short email simply saying that you’re sorry, but you are no longer able to continue communicating with them; however, you wish them luck with their search. Sever contact, and move on. You’ll be happy you did. •
Do a background check on your date. I cannot overemphasize the fact, especially for women, that meeting people through the internet carries a safety risk. Unlike meeting someone through friends, work, school, or church, an online acquaintance comes with a completely blank slate. He or she has no history and, theoretically, could fabricate nearly every detail of their life. They could be married, have a criminal record, or be a closet pedophile. While the majority of people online likely pose you no physical harm, predators exist in society, and have ready access to the internet. If normal, stable people are susceptible to the candy store effect of dating websites, imagine the temptation it affords to the type of guy who seeks out lonely, desperate former housewives. There are ways of running mini background checks that cost little to no investment of time or money. Take this precaution prior to meeting anyone, so you don’t miss something obvious.
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Do let someone know where you’ll be and with whom. Again, this one is likely more critical for women than for men, but it’s an easy and smart thing to do. Before you go out with someone, provide information that you have on them to at least one relative, friend, or neighbor. This can be as simple as printing out the person’s profile, and adding to it their phone number, make and model car, any information that could help locate them later should, God forbid, something happen to you.
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Do address payment of the bill. Traditionally, men have picked up the tab on dates. It has long been considered the “chivalrous” thing to do, especially when the man has done the asking out, and often makes the larger salary. Being a man, however, and having quite a few guy friends, I must say: In these modern times, and particularly in a venue like online dating where everyone is basically advertising that they want to be asked out, the assumption that one party will pay 100% while the other pays nothing seems unfair. I would hope a woman who is interested in meeting me would at least offer to pay her share. I can always say opt to say, “No, thanks,” but the gesture would be most appreciated. Heck, it would also make a fantastic impression! No one likes to feel used, and agreeing to meet someone to see if there is mutual interest in pursuing a relationship would seem to suggest a mutual investment. So, if you’re a woman, at least offer to pay your portion on a date. If you’re a guy, know that you’re likely on the hook for the tab, and express sincere gratitude if/when she reaches for her wallet. What happens next is up to you both.
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Do learn from your mistakes. Embrace the fact that dating is an evolutionary process. Take advantage of it! The longer you are single, and the more you date, the more opportunity you have to learn about yourself and who would be best suited for you. Spend time analyzing your post-date feelings. For example, did a date make you feel good, bad, or indifferent – and why? What do you glean from your dates emotionally? Do you feel charged after spending time with someone who stimulates you intellectually, or drained? Are you attracted to nurturers, or do you feel suffocated by their desire to care for you?
Don’ts of Online Dating •
Don’t get hooked on the “candy.” Keep the focus! Don’t get addicted to the attention, the winks, and the emails that come with being an active member of an online dating website. Yes, it’s fun to look at profiles, exciting to think there could be someone better than you’re already communicating with waiting around the corner, thrilling to get attention and flattery from strangers who continually view you online. Know what,
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though? You need to keep it all in perspective. Stay grounded and focused on why you are a paying to be online. Remain clear as to who you are looking for, so that, when he/she materializes you will recognize that individual, and be excited to give him/her your full attention as you explore whether or not you have both compatibility and chemistry. •
Don’t lie in your profile. We’ve covered this before, but it’s considered the number one no-no in online dating. Do you have any idea how many people have been pissed off by learning that the real man or woman behind the profile is ten years older and 30 pounds heavier? Do not post pictures more than a year or two old, and do not lie about your age (I don’t care if “everyone” tells you how young you look). Lying is lying, and you’re not going to fool anyone into thinking their eyes deceived them, and that the person inside is all that matters. Most people will see through the deception instantly at your first meeting, and judge you mercilessly for it. And, guess what? The person inside does matter – and that person has just branded themselves a liar. No one likes a liar.
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Don’t talking negatively about a past relationship. One way to tip off someone that you’re not ready for a new relationship is to talk at length, and negatively, about a previous one. Sharing a concise summary of how you grew from a past relationship can help you and your date connect. Your date is not there, however, to play shrink to your patient, and help you achieve closure regarding an ex-spouse or lover. Nor did he or she knowingly sign up to be on the receiving end of your male- or female-bashing tirade. If you feel compelled to talk about your ex incessantly, and know the “bad news” cannot be contained, please know you are not ready to date. Spare your date the frustration, hide your profile, and put yourself on dating hiatus until you have worked through your issues.
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Don’t be late. Okay, this one’s a no-brainer. Showing up late for a date translates into “disrespectful, discourteous, self-centered, disorganized, time-mismanaging brat.” Too harsh? Well, what’s your excuse? Granted, we all run late sometimes. Unforeseeable circumstances do arise. But, you need to be aware that, when you’re more than, say, 15 minutes late, you look really, really bad to the person you’re supposed to be trying to
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impress. Always call if you’re tardy, and (this is imperative) apologize! If you are going to arrive more than 15 minutes late, offer something as a form of compensation. Maybe you’ll pick up the first round of drinks or buy the movie tickets. Do your very best to be on time. Realize that, if you are not punctual, you’ve got some making up to do. Tell yourself and your date it won’t happen again. •
Don’t brag about yourself and/or talk about yourself too much. Men often complain, “She wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise.” Women lament, “He talked about his career and his car, but didn’t reveal a thing about himself.” Both sexes are guilty of both types of behavior. When you go out with someone, be prepared to drop your guard a bit, and share about yourself – not merely your accomplishments, but your values and feelings. Engage in an exchange, a conversation where both parties speak and listen to each other. In this way, you’ll be giving your date full opportunity to present himself, and become acquainted with yourself. You will know for certain if there is a click or not. Regardless of the outcome, the date will have realized its full potential.
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Don’t waste time on people who don’t fit your criteria. I’m repeating a concept here, but it’s worth it. Do not even engage here, ladies and gentlemen, with people who fail the “Must Have/Can’t Stand” test. That’s right, we’re back to dealbreakers. Your goal as you learn from your online experiences is to get good at separating the wheat from the chaff: of identifying and fast-tracking the “high potential” people, while passing on the “low potential” and “what if” people. As you improve at reading both profiles and people, you should be left with the possibility of dating only people about whom you are truly excited. Regardless of how attractive you may find someone’s pictures or how charming their style of communication, you should refrain from contacting or continuing communication with people who do not meet your criteria. Plus, you should shut down (or at least directly question) those men/women who contact you, but whose criteria YOU don’t meet. Ask them point blank, “Why have you emailed me, when you say in your profile criteria that you want to have children, but I clearly state in mine that I do not?” Unless they can convince you they checked the wrong box and made an error in their profile, say “Good bye” -- and mean it.
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•
Don’t meet people at your home, or give them your address, until you get to know them. Another obvious, common sense rule, right? Actually, based on my experience, it is not. I’ve had conversations with both men and women who have been stalking victims. In all instances, the victims sensed early on some instability or other “bad vibe” from the perpetrator – someone they have met in person through the internet, and who had picked them up or otherwise met them at their private residence. Had the victims not shared with the crazy person where they lived, chances for stalking would have been significantly decreased.
Until you get to know someone, it is smart to meet them only at a public location. You drive there, and they drive there. That way, if things “go bad” and your date is not one to take rejection kindly, you haven’t made it easy for them to locate you and insinuate their way into your life against your wishes. By the way, if someone takes offense that you won’t give them your address, and “insists” on picking you up for your date, you should run, not walk, away from them. In other words, cease communication. Thank your lucky stars that the person identified themselves as “low potential” (Hello! Try “dangerous”!) prior to even meeting, thereby saving you time, money, and frustration… if not more. •
Don’t invest too much emotionally before you meet. By this, I mean, try not to get attached before you’ve even laid eyes on each other. I get it: You want to connect, and all of your pre-meeting communication has been overwhelmingly positive. But, you need to understand, especially if you’ve not dated a lot, that phones calls, emails, and IM sessions can be deceptively, if not intoxicatingly, intimate. When you share private stories with someone, you are making yourself vulnerable by giving away private pieces of yourself. Stick with the “public you” as much as possible until you meet, okay? I’m not saying to be standoffish! It’s fun to flirt, and important that the two of you get a sense of each other’s personality. Do this alongside your key objective, which is to determine if you are compatible in obvious, “Must Have and Can’t Stand” areas. But, resist bonding with someone prior to meeting in person. You’ll do both of you a favor. Because, you do not to experience the letdown and withdrawal if it doesn’t work out, nor
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simply invest the time and energy in someone with whom you will not click. Not investing too much emotionally before you meet is a way of protecting yourself from getting hurt, and from staving off online dating burnout – which can occur if you get caught up in the cycle of investing emotionally, followed by dating disappointment. •
Don’t plan an elaborate first date. Give yourselves an out on that first date, and keep it short and informal. Think of that first date as a “first meet”: a screening. There are a number of advantages to going this route. If you choose a low-key environment, like a local coffeehouse, and only allot an hour for your first face-to-face, the two of you should be inclined to be relaxed and natural. This will enable you to see if you click or not. Most people tell me they know within minutes of coming face-to-face if the “click” is there; if they are attracted to the person and interested in learning more about them. This sense means the person has passed the “screening” process, and a second date is likely on the horizon. On the other hand, if you don’t click, you’ve spent a minimal amount of time, energy, and money to determine that there is no chemistry and no reason to get together again.
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Don’t drink too much. Better yet, on a first “date,” try not to drink at all. Again, the low-key first encounter can be a real winner! It’ll save you time, money, and possibly, an embarrassing alcohol-induced evening of indiscretion. Staying sober on a first date will force you to address whether or not the two of you have any real potential as companions. I mean, if there’s no interest on that first meet, and it’s torture to even converse, you’ve learned all you need to know, right? Again, if you take dating seriously, you will want to keep things “real.” Save the partying for when you’ve gotten to know each other a bit. Then, things will really flow!
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Don’t have sex on a first date. Think I’m kidding? Look, I’m not saying hooking up on the first date will always kill relationship potential. But, I am saying it is highly likely. If you want a long-term relationship, you need to create a foundation of mutual respect and trust that can only be built over time. Being intimate with someone the first day you meet them unnaturally accelerates the relationship, putting pressure on you both to decide what
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the sex actually meant. Chemistry is great, but it shouldn’t be allowed to run the show – especially when you barely know each other. Let it build as you continue to get better and better acquainted. Find out if you really like one another and if your lives are compatible. This will in turn reveal if the chemistry is sustainable, and make the pay-off of that first sexual experience phenomenal.
Final Thoughts
With this e-book, I have tried to help you determine if you are date ready, get you started in marketing yourself to other singles online, and point out some of the biggest Do’s and Don’ts of the online dating world. Along the way, I have emphasized the value of getting to know yourself and what/who you’re looking for in a relationship, and to recognize that all of this is an ongoing and important process. Learning who you are and what you want and need in a partner takes time. Embrace in the “evolution,” and take ownership of your dating experience!
Don’t expect to find someone fast online – the same people who are at the real life bars are sitting at the cyber bar! But, the beauty of the internet is that you get some of your dealbreaker questions answered right away, and can meet many “high potential” people whom you might otherwise never encounter. Without a doubt, the internet is a powerful resource for locating your Mr. or Ms. Right.
With that in mind, create a high-quality profile with flattering photos, clear but realistic parameters, and a well-written, interesting biography that sells the real you: a unique package that someone will be anxious to meet and get to know. Work on developing and constantly finetuning your radar. Take online dating seriously. Learn from your mistakes.
Lastly, be optimistic. Your soulmate is not going to walk through your front door if you do nothing to get him or her on your doorstep! Online dating is the fastest way to meet somebody, thanks to the convenience of your computer and numerous and varied dating websites. But that doesn’t mean meeting your special someone will happen fast, or that it’s easy. Respect the time and energy required by the process. Follow the Do’s and avoid the Don’ts of online dating. If
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you keep all of this in mind, your chances for success – i.e., meeting that soulmate, or person with whom you share strong compatibility and chemistry -- will increase exponentially.
Good luck to you!
Jonathon Aslay
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