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After the Abortion

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When I found out I was pregnant I felt so afraid and anxious. How could I manage a baby? My future, my whole world seemed under threat…. I couldn’t think clearly. It all seemed so hard and everyone was telling me what to do… I didn’t want to have an abortion but the pressure was so strong and I was so distressed I didn’t know what else to do. I had to survive.

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About this pamphlet What you're about to read will help you make sense of what you may have been thinking and feeling since your abortion. All quotations are from real clients ( names have been changed).

…Does this sound familiar to you?

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n abortion may have seemed like the only logical option you had when you found out you were pregnant. Perhaps you made a decision to have an abortion without knowing or understanding all the facts? It may have been a “knee-jerk” response and done quickly. Maybe the opinions of those close to you may have steered you down the path to abortion or it may have been put to you as an ultimatum - ‘do it or else’ - in order to preserve a relationship. You may have even felt relieved at first but then found yourself struggling - emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Rather than relief and freedom, were you suddenly faced with guilt, anguish, emptiness and a persistent sadness? You may have tried to shake off your thoughts and feelings, thinking there was something ‘wrong’ with you and now feel profoundly isolated.

I was struggling on a day to day basis and I just wanted all the confusion to stop. Sadly I decided that an abortion would remove all the problems, both real and imagined.

Do you doubt yourself and are you confused by what’s happening? Maybe you’re not coping with everyday life. You may even feel that your life is spiralling out of control. Many post abortive women speak of ‘just going through the motions but not really feeling much’ or feeling ‘dead inside’.

I thought I could go back to being me - the pre-pregnant me, not realising I would never be that person again.

‘Sue’ became pregnant at 19. Her boyfriend, whom she’d known ‘Lisa’ for just six months, was horrified about the pregnancy and told her he wanted nothing to do with it and if she wanted a relationship with him she’d better have an abortion. She didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t tell her parents about the pregnancy as she felt she would be letting them down. They were so proud of her being at uni and had encouraged her to better herself and set herself up in life before having children.

I felt totally helpless and alone. I had no one to confide in and thought the only thing was to have an abortion. I just couldn’t see my way around it. I hated the thought of it but decided I just had to set my mind to it and not think too much. I thought the quicker the better and then get back to normal. Or that’s what I thought – how wrong was I! My life just hasn’t been the same since. I didn’t know it would be like this. ©‘Sue’ This pamphlet is copyright. www.opendoors.com.au

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Abortion - a grief like any other Like Sue, you may not have been aware of the range of feelings that can follow an abortion. You may have been told that you would just feel ‘teary for a day or two’ and expected to be fine afterwards. When you’re not prepared for the possibility of a grief reaction, it can seem as though your feelings are somehow ‘wrong’. You may think you are the only one to feel this way. You may think you are ‘going mad’. However, many women experience grief after an abortion. Abortion is a significant loss just like miscarriage, stillbirth and any other loss of a child in pregnancy. If your feelings were unexpected, you may have tried to deny your grief and pushed your feelings aside in an effort to ‘get back to normal’. The added dimension of responsibility or guilt may intensify your grief. The fact that you were involved in the decision to terminate your pregnancy doesn’t cancel out your right to grieve but rather adds to your need to grieve.

We couldn’t tell anyone I was pregnant. Our families would have reacted badly because having sex before marriage is forbidden in our culture. I was so terrified they’d find out so I had an abortion quickly. I was so determined to have an abortion and yet felt so trapped. I just wanted someone to say, ‘Stop, it’ll be ok, there’ll be a way around this.’ But there was no-one. Afterwards, I tried to get back to normal but couldn’t. I felt so bad.. didn’t want to get up in the mornings, couldn’t go to work, couldn’t eat or sleep. I just cried all the time. I couldn’t talk to anyone except my partner and he didn’t know what to do for me. I didn’t think I deserved any help, after all, I made this decision. ‘Gina’ It is important to know that what you’re feeling is normal – you’ve suffered a major loss. It is well recognized that the loss of a child can affect people profoundly and the loss of a baby through abortion can be an extremely painful loss.

Managing your abortion - what was it like for you afterwards? After your abortion you possibly tried to cope with the experience by using a number of psychological defense mechanisms to protect you from uncomfortable, painful or frightening thoughts and feelings. These defenses are unconsciously brought into play and are the way the human mind tries to avoid pain. This leads to a deadening of emotions and operating on a less expressive level. These are the more common defense mechanisms: (Ref: 1;12;13) Denial: helps to block out painful memories and emotions. Some women may even ‘forget’ when they had their abortion and the details of it Avoidance: Those fearing rejection and/or judgement will withdraw in order to avoid uncomfortable feelings and psychological pain. Friends and social events are avoided, creating more isolation Rationalisation: helps to avoid the ‘heart’ responses by focusing on the logical reasons to have an abortion. Again this is in order to gain distance from the pain Suppression: when unacceptable feelings and thoughts are consciously pushed out of one’s mind - the person tries not to think about the abortion.

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Post Abortion Syndrome The trauma and pain associated with an abortion experience may produce far-reaching effects that, if left unattended, may lead to what is now being recognised as Port Abortion Syndrome. This term is used to describe the adverse physical, emotional and psychological feelings and reactions that often result from an abortion decision.

Common Post Abortive Symptoms Shock and Disbelief: The mind can go into shut down as a protection; it’s like a bad dream. Later, numbing may give way to a deep questioning of how the abortion could have happened Feelings of Guilt and Remorse: A sense of doing something wrong, going against a formerly held view on the issue of abortion. There may be an expectation of punishment (Ref 1;3) Self-destructive behavior: may include the use of alcohol and drugs (to numb the pain), eating disorders, high risk behaviors, self-mutilation and suicidal thoughts or attempts (Ref 5;3;1;11) Emotional numbing and withdrawal: When all is not right within, there may be a loss of self-esteem and self-confidence. If these were low prior to an abortion, they are further eroded. (Ref 1;10;12;13) Anxiety: A generalised state of apprehension, tension and panic attacks (Ref 1;3) Physical responses: symptoms like dizziness, headaches, palpitations, lethargy, fatigue, exhaustion (Ref 1) Difficulty sleeping/nightmares: an inability to switch off; going to sleep may be avoided as there may have been nightmares about the abortion or the baby (Ref 1) Extreme or chronic anger or rage: Anger may develop into pervasive feelings of chronic rage. This anger can be self-directed or aimed at anyone close, affecting those relationships. Underlying the anger is a deep wounded-ness in heart and spirit (Ref 10). Relationship difficulties: There is often an inability to relate to partner, family, friends or colleagues after an abortion – many relationships break down. Bonding with existing and future children may be profoundly affected ranging from emotional distance to over-protectiveness. The love and support of others may be difficult to accept - it may amplify guilt (Ref 1;3;12) Depression: Feelings may range from low and flat mood to a sense of hopelessness pervading all of life. This can affect the ability to accomplish tasks that were once routine, adding to a sense of worthlessness (Ref 1;9;12;4). There can be a profound emptiness and hollowness inside (Ref 8) A sense of loss: This is characterised by a great sense of emptiness and sadness and by frequent bouts of crying. There may be little or no motivation for the usual things of life, leading to further isolation (Ref 1;5) Flashbacks/Triggers: may occur when coming into contact with anything that may have been connected with the abortion – this may be the sound of a vacuum cleaner, baby clothes/shops or even a piece of music that may have been played on the day of the abortion (Ref 1;3;12) Persistent fears/fear of a nervous breakdown: If not informed beforehand that abortion may cause a range of emotional responses, she may believe the problem lies with her - that there’s ‘something wrong’ with her (Ref 1;3;12) The atonement baby: Many women find themselves pregnant again within 3–6 months of an abortion. Many will not be aware of the underlying psychological drive to replace the aborted baby. This is an ‘undoing’ mechanism - an attempt to wind back the clock. (Ref 1;3;12) Repeat abortions: The tendency towards repeat pregnancies and abortions locks some women into a cycle of self-abuse, vulnerability, unassertiveness and an inability to protect themselves. This usually happens on an unconscious level (Ref 1) Anniversary reactions: Grief symptoms and anxiety commonly intensify around the time of the anniversary of the abortion or at the date when the baby would have been due (Ref 1;3).

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The Grief Response – a normal process When we lose someone we love, we grieve. Society gives us permission to grieve – it’s considered a legitimate loss. We use our memories to remember the loved one and that helps us to work our way through the loss and eventually come to some acceptance of it. Losing a child is different in many ways. Often people don’t know what to do or what to say to the bereaved parent. Perhaps it’s a loss that can cut too close to the bone. Putting ourselves in the shoes of the grieving mother or father stirs a sense of dread, helplessness and discomfort for any parent – it’s a place we don’t want to be. A woman having an abortion has been likened to an animal caught in a trap. She has to gnaw off a part of herself in order to free herself but is left profoundly wounded.

Post-abortion Grief For those having an abortion there are no memories of a life often just begun; there was no baby to see, to hold and remember visually. Also there was no acknowledgement of the presence of that child, usually because the pregnancy was in its very early stages when terminated and because of the secrecy associated with the abortion experience. This makes it difficult to grieve, stifling or freezing emotions that would normally be felt or, indeed, need to be felt. If we don’t have the opportunity to grieve in a healthy and unrestricted way, exploring all emotions and issues relating to the loss, then these must continually be pushed aside. Very often what results is an underlying emotional turbulence; the woman believes she is abnormal or ‘going crazy’. She doubts herself, she experiences confusion, her self-confidence and self-esteem are eroded and her ability to cope with life in many different areas is affected. Her grief becomes ‘disenfranchised’ or ‘complicated’ (Ref 5).

Does ‘Amanda’s’ story sound a bit like yours…? In the first few days and weeks after the abortion I had extremes of feelings that sometimes appeared to be contradictory. The anticipated sense of relief that I was no longer pregnant and the hope that things would now return to normal never happened. Instead I felt terribly empty inside and had quite a sense of horror at what I had done. I couldn’t quite believe it. It didn’t seem real. …Or maybe ‘Lena’s’ does? I knew I didn’t feel right but I didn’t understand that I was grieving for my child. I tried to get on with my life but the harder I tried the worse it seemed to get. I didn’t want to see my friends and going to work was so much effort. I would drag myself home again and just sit and rock myself until I had no more tears and would fall asleep. I seemed to be operating in a vacuum. I didn’t feel I belonged in the world – everything was just going on around me while I watched through a fog. Those who find themselves distressed after an abortion react as they would to the death of their child. They may not be able to acknowledge or clearly understand that what they feel is actually grief, however deep within there is a weeping and confusion (Ref 14).

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Men and Abortion Because abortion is often seen as a ‘woman’s’ issue, the fathers of aborted babies are often overlooked. There are many men who wanted their children, who would have supported the mothers of the their ir babies but had no say in the pregnancy’s outcome. They may seem to be detached and unaffected but the reality is that many are left suffering in the shadows – unable to understand and express their thoughts, feelings and reactions (Ref 2). 2) However fathers too have a sense of knowing about their aborted children. They talk about thinking about their children on a regular basis and feel a profound sense of “missing” them. They wonder what could have been when they see a child of the same age that their child wo would uld have been. Men tend to internalise their responses, giving the impression that they’re OK. However, they too bottle up their guilt, anger, grief, mistrust, depression and resentment. My girlfriend ‘Gayle’ became pregnant at 16 and we decided to go a ahead head and have the baby but when we told her parents they took over and insisted that she have an abortion. I wasn’t allowed any further contact with Gayle, I just had to try and get on with my life as best I could but I never forgot that child. I always sensed she was a girl. I chose a special place at a lake as a memorial point for her and nearly 40 years on I still visit the lake occasionally. I ran into Gayle many years later and we spoke briefly– briefly she’d struggled with depression and broken relationsh relationships ips and had never had a child. The look in her eyes was so sad to see. ‘Michael’

Spiritual aspects of grief Many women who have had an abortion say they feel as though they have somehow crossed a line in a spiritual sense by aborting their child. They feel they are in a wrong position with God or their higher power. There is a sense of deep isolation and alienation from relationships and an un un-definable definable secret path of pain, blame and shame. It’s not unusual for women who have had abortions to feel caught in an inescapable situation. There’s no way to change the past - there’s no one to tell. They believe their secret is so awful. They judge and condemn themselves so harshly that they can’t believe that they deserve understanding, compassion and support from others. Struggling with guilt, regrets, remorse, helplessness and exaggerated fears becomes a way of life. The yearning, guilt and regret may persist for many years if left unexpressed unexpressed. Because of their isolation and sense 9 of hopelessness, women can be preoccupied with just trying to survive. They try to develop a way of coping that shields them from what has happened. Trying to put the abortion and its emotional consequences out of mind takes an enormous amount of energy and can make women sick.

Where to from here? Are you hurting but feel you can’t share your pain with anyone? Are you struggling to hide it and look as if there’s nothing wrong? Perhaps you’re afraid to say you’ve had an abortion because you fear judgment and condemnation from others? After all, you may feel so guilty and ashamed so how could anyone else understand your grief? Maybe you think no one could relate to your experience – it feels as though you’re ou’re the only one who feels like this? © This pamphlet is copyright. www.opendoors.com.au

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What you’re feeling is normal but very uncomfortable – you’ve experienced a great loss. You may fear opening up this pain that’s been kept under wraps for so long in case you can’t regain control but it can be such a relief to put it out there and have your grief validated, especially with someone who understands this type of bereavement. Coming to a point of realising what is lost and facing that grief is the first step on the way to healing. It might seem like it’s too hard but you can be supported whilst you process your loss, reclaim your life and find purpose and meaning again.

OPEN DOORS PREGNANCY LOSS COUNSELLING - you are not alone! * 03 9870 7044 or Freecall outside Melb: 1800 647 995 * [email protected] * 5 Greenwood Ave Ringwood VIC 3134 * www.opendoors.com.au Open Doors provides specialised grief counselling for anyone struggling after an abortion - mothers, fathers, grandparents, siblings or anyone who may have pushed for an abortion to occur. Just contact us by phone or email and we will help you to process how your abortion has affected your life. You will have an opportunity to explore your thoughts, feelings and reactions with a counsellor who understands the impact of an abortion. Counselling is confidential, low cost and available for as long as you need it. Face-to-face counselling is best but regular telephone counselling is also available if distance is a problem for you. Face-to-face psychotherapy is also available to you, also at low cost.

Rachel’s Vineyard: Post-Abortion Healing Retreats Open Doors also provides a weekend psycho-spiritual healing retreat which is specifically designed to deal with the trauma of abortion. The retreat offers the opportunity to get away from the daily pressures of work and family, to focus on a painful time in life and to begin healing through a supportive and non-judgmental process. Participants are able to work through all the feelings related to their abortion. The retreat helps break down the awful sense of isolation. Hearing the stories of other participants and feeling understanding and compassion for them opens up the possibility that perhaps ‘I can feel compassionate towards myself’. Many preconceived fears of condemnation are transformed into blessings: memories of pain, abandonment and confusion are replaced by peace and reconciliation. The retreat is Christian-based but is open to people from all faiths and denominations as well as to those with no formal faith connection. Women, men and couples are welcome.

Some comments from past retreat participants“At the end I felt relief and hope and release from all those feelings of terrible unworthiness and hopelessness. It was incredible to see so many others felt the same way.” “I was so nervous coming to the retreat but we all bonded quickly as we were all there for the same reason – to try and heal from all the guilt and sadness that some of us had been carrying for years. I felt so safe and so relieved that I’d finally found a way to heal”. “I hesitated to come as I’m not a churchy person but this surpassed all my expectations. I’ve never witnessed so much healing and relief from anything else I’ve observed or experienced. ”

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References used in the development of this pamphlet 1. Burke, T, Reardon, DC, Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion, Acorn Books, 2002. 2. Burke, K, Wemhoff, D, Stockwell, M, Redeemimg a Father’s Heart - Men Share Powerful Stories of Abortion Loss and Recovery, Author House, 2007. 3.Coleman, PK, Reardon, DC, Strahan, T, Cougle, JR, Induced Abortion and Increased Risk of Substance Abuse: A Review of the Evidence. Current Women’s Health Reviews, Bentham Science Publishers, 2005. 4. Coleman, PK, Rue, VM, Coyle, CT, Macey, CD, Induced Abortion and child-directed aggression amongst mothers of maltreated children. Internet Journal of Pediatrics and Neonatology (2) ISSN 1528- 8374, (2007). 5. Doka, K, Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges and Strategies for Practice, Research Press , 2002. 6. Gissler, M, Berge, C, Bouvier-Colle, MH, Buekens, P, Injury deaths, suicides and homicides associated with pregnancy, Finland 1987 – 2000, European Journal of Public Health (2005). 7. Miller, WB, An empirical study of the psychological antecedents and consequences of induced abortion. Journal of Social Issues, 48, 67 – 93 (1992). 8. Ring-Cassidy, E, Gentles, I, Women’s Health after Abortion, The Medical and Psychological Facts, de Veber 2002. 9. Raphael, B, Psychological Aspects of Induced Abortion, Mental Health in Australia, Vol. 5, No 1 (1972). 10. Reardon, DC, Guilt, Forgiveness,and Post-Abortion Healing, The Elliott Institute News Vol. 3, No. 1. (2004). 11. Reardon, DC, Ney, P, Abortion and subsequent substance abuse. American Journal of Drug Alcohol Abuse 26 (1):61-75 (2000) 12. Reisser, TK, Reisser, PC, Help For The Postabortion Woman, Zonderyan Publishing House, 1989. 13. Reisser, TK, Reisser, PC, Identifying and Overcoming Post-Abortion Syndrome, Focus on the Family, 1992. 14. Tankard-Reist, M, Giving Sorrow Words - women’s stories of grief after abortion. Duffy & Snellgrove, Sydney, 2000

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