About. Grief. Asperger s and Grief By JoDee Coulter, MT-BC. A publication of the EliSabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center

A publication of the EliSabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center AboutGrief Volume 22 | Number 3 | Fall 2012 Asperger’s and Grief By JoDee Coul...
Author: Colleen Walker
0 downloads 4 Views 3MB Size
A publication of the EliSabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center

AboutGrief

Volume 22 | Number 3 | Fall 2012

Asperger’s and Grief By JoDee Coulter, MT-BC Society has certain expectations of appropriate behaviors in every situation we encounter whether in the grocery store, on the phone, or attending a wedding or funeral. These unspoken expectations of behavior are known as the “hidden curriculum” and although they are not taught, society assumes we know them and will behave accordingly. Death and the experience of grief has its own language, rituals, uniqueness, and expectations. For someone with Asperger’s Syndrome (A.S.), one of the Autism Spectrum Disorders, understanding the experience and expectations of grief is more challenging. People living with A.S. may have great difficulty fitting in and understanding the “hidden curriculum” associated with grief. In addition, their reactions are often misunderstood by the people around them. It’s a challenge to not only identify but to express their feelings. We observe someone who is emotionally detached, smiles inappropriately or possibly cries unexpectedly. Emotions may appear as behaviors such as rocking, pacing or talking excessively. The person with A.S. may become hypersensitive to external stimuli or begin to express physical complaints. This is the time that much love, support and understanding can be the best medicine. Those who live with A.S. are logical thinkers and may process death in a methodical way. Later, they may show feelings which seem out of the ordinary while they are watching a movie, hearing of a death of a 300 East 185th Street

distant relative or experiencing the death of a pet. Just as someone in the general population can experience delayed grief so may someone with A.S. How can you best support someone with A.S. during times of grief? Be a good listener, allow them their space, respect their perspective, look for the meaning behind the words and the behaviors, be gentle—and offer your presence. For people with A.S., consider these choices as you move through your grief journey: • Accept the reality that physical behaviors such as rocking, pacing or excessive talking may be your body’s way of processing feelings • Journal with words, lyrics, and art • Express yourself: play music, dance, sing • Get physical! Walk, run, bike, jump rope • Talk to a trusted and caring friend or family member • Seek professional support • Get connected on online at hospicewr.org/ discussions/grief/ or blog with others at www.wrongplanet.net/postt143859.html or www.journeyswithautism.com

I n t his I ss u e 1

Asperger's and Grief

2

From The Editor

3

Ask Dr. Bob

7

Book Review

8

A Child’s View

EDITO R

Diane Snyder Cowan, MA, MT-BC Director

VOLUNTEE R ED ITOR

Thelma Morris

EDITO RIAL ASSIS TANT

Felicia Dunlop-Stanley

CONTRIBU TIN G WRITERS

JoDee Coulter, MT-BC Bereavement Coordinator

Bob Ballantine, MSW, DCC, D.Min., LISW-S Grief Counselor Colleen Thompson, LSW Children’s Bereavement Coordinator Lesley Dials, LISW Grief Counselor

Whether you are a recently bereaved person with A.S., or are supporting a family member or friend with A.S., remember that we all need to grieve in our own way and in our own time.

| Cleveland, OH 44119-1330 | 216.486.6838 | 800.707.8922 | hospicewr.org

From the A Diane Snyder Cowan, MA, MT-BC

“There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues.  They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”  – Washington Irving

Editor

utumn is just around the corner. For some it feels like a bittersweet beginning. Elementary school children have new boxes of crayons, high school adolescents worry about what they’re going to wear the first day. College students (and parents/guardians) anticipate the changes caused by being away from home. It can be an exciting but frightening time. Outside, the leaves begin to change color before they fall. Although the sun is shining, shorter darker days are ahead. Our grief journey has much in common with these events. New starts can be exciting yet scary. The world can seem bright and dark at the same time. The important thing is to move forward with change and see where it leads us. And we need to recognize that we may need tools to help us along the way. Last winter, the bereavement center was involved in the crisis response to the tragedy at Chardon High School. We supported the students and school community and taught them various coping skills. This fall, students will be returning to that school with mixed feelings of excitement and dread. One of the coping strategies that was introduced to the Chardon community was guided imagery. Belleruth Naparstek, psychotherapist, author and guided imagery pioneer, taught students, staff and parents guided imagery skills which helped them in managing their grief and post-traumatic stress. According to her website, guided imagery is a kind of deliberate, directed daydreaming that uses soothing music and narrative to evoke multisensory memory, symbol and fantasy.This combination gently guides the overactive mind into a relaxed, immersive state of healing reverie. It works easily and powerfully for most people, and doesn’t require much from them – just some basic imagination. Many people who have trouble meditating or relaxing do really well with guided imagery (www.healthjourneys.com). We are excited to announce that Belleruth will be presenting the Katie Dolesh lecture, a free community event, on the evening of September 13th at 5:00 p.m. at Landerhaven in Cleveland. We hope that you will be able to join us and learn ways to help manage your grief. Please join us at the Cleveland MetroParks Zoo on September 9th for the first annual Walk to Remember. This walk will be a wonderful way to celebrate the life of your loved one and remember them in a special way.

New this Year!

walk to remember Sunday, sept. 9

Please be sure to follow us at www.hospicewr.org. Whether you prefer in-person, on-line support or both, you do not have to grieve alone. Although the fall will be brimming with events at the bereavement center we always have time for you and we continue to be here offering comfort, hope and healing.

Cleveland MetroParks Zoo

Register online at hospicewr.org/walk

2

Diane Snyder Cowan, MA, MT-BC 216.486.6312 [email protected]

Visit The Bereavement Center’s Blog at: hospicewr.org/ bereavement-center-blog

Ask Dr. Bob Robert Ballantine, MSW, DCC, D.MIN., LISW-S

Dr. Bob, After my wife died, I thought that I would never enter into a new relationship with another woman. Now, there are times that I think I would like to go out to lunch or something like that with someone of the opposite sex. Generally, these thoughts are accompanied by feelings of guilt. Is there a period of time I need to wait? What concerns should I have, if any? – Feeling Lonely

Dear Feeling Lonely, The thoughts and feelings that you are experiencing are normal and natural after the death of a spouse or significant other. Entering into a new relationship can be very scary, especially when thinking about the “D word”, (dating). It’s a time full of conflicting emotions, fears, and lack of confidence. Although, there is not a specific period of time to wait before entering into a new relationship, there are things that should be accomplished beforehand. What I have observed in my clients, is that right after the death of their spouse, they can’t even entertain the thought of another relationship. For many, this feeling changes as they move further along on their grief journey. I have noticed that around seven months or so, many of my clients tell me they are not looking for a permanent relationship, but, as you mentioned, it would be nice to go to lunch or a movie with someone. For many, being married or in a significant relationship has been very satisfying and meaningful and they don’t want to be single for the rest of their life. Interestingly, age is not a factor in wanting to enter into a new relationship. I facilitated a bereavement group consisting of nine women, all of whom had lost their spouse. Their ages ranged from the mid-thirties to the mid-seventies. Some of the women in their thirties reported that they did not want to ever get married again and some in their seventies echoed this. On the other hand, there were women in their thirties that definitely wanted to remarry; some of those in their seventies had the same desire.

There are things that you need to work your way through before entering into a new relationship. First, be far enough along on your grief journey that your previous relationship does not bleed into new ones. Second, a phrase I often hear is, “I will never meet another who was like my...” You may never meet someone who is identical to your previous mate, but that doesn’t mean you can’t meet others who share the same values, common interests, or provide opportunities for new experiences. Don’t try to force everyone into the mold of your previous partner; you may miss out on meaningful relationships. When starting new relationships, practice good judgment. As the bereaved, you can be vulnerable and taken advantage of. You may want to stay away from someone who will not allow you to mention or talk about your previous partner. Both parties should be secure enough in their own grief/past to honor each other’s previous relationships. It is not uncommon for some individuals to be looking for a replacement spouse or someone to take care of them. This may not be a role you want to assume. Although people come to bereavement groups for many reasons, they do meet other bereaved there and may end up enjoying a meaningful relationship. There are many other issues to talk about; dating, telling the children or introducing them to a new relationship, removing the wedding ring, etc. Talking with a grief counselor can help you sort out these legitimate concerns. 3

FALL 2012

Community Support Groups & Activities Massage Therapy Providing Comfort Through Touch Stress is a normal part of life. As you move along grief ’s journey, you may face many challenges. Massage therapy is a tool useful in helping to cope with stress, anxiety and fatigue. To schedule an appointment, call Felicia Dunlop-Stanley at 216. 486.6335. All appointments will be held at The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center. Basic Fees: $25 for 30 minutes $50 for 60 minutes

Yoga Matters Give yourself the gift of time and attention. The practice of Yoga helps you tune into yourself and take care of your physical, emotional and spiritual needs. Classes held at Hospice of the Western Reserve Lakeshore Campus. For more information please call 216. 486.6838. On-going Yoga Class designed for caregivers & bereaved. Wednesdays, 5:30 pm to 6:45 pm Fee: $40/month or $12 Drop-in (sliding scale fee available)

Bereavement Support Groups

Unless otherwise noted, our support groups are open to anyone who has had a loved one die. Groups are subject to change. Call to verify time and location.

Adult Support Groups CIRCLE OF HOPE SERIES A six-week educational support class for adults who have had a loved one die. Registration is required. Please call the facilitator listed below for more information or to register. The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center Wednesdays, October 17 – November 21 10:00 to 11:30 a.m. Diana Battles 216.486.6364 Lakeshore Office Mondays, September 24 – October 29 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. Tensie Holland 216.383.3741 Lakewood Office Mondays, October 15 – November 19 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. Judy Beckman 216.383.2222 ext. 1114 Mentor Office Wednesdays, September 19 – October 24 10:00 to 11:30 a.m. Lisa Florjancic 216.383.2222 ext. 1052 4

Warrensville Heights Office Tuesdays, September 25 – October 30, 2:00 – 4:00 p.m. Mary Murphy, 216.454.0399 Thursdays, October 4 – November 8 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. Vicki Jackson 216.383.2222 ext. 1197

CIRCLE OF HOPE: Art Therapy Edition This series incorporates art therapy into the support group. The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center Art Therapy Studio Wednesdays, October 3 - November 7 10:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. Mollie Postotnik 216.486.6544

HOPE & HEALING An on-going monthly support group for grieving adults. Registration is not required. Please call facilitator for more information. Lakeshore Campus 3rd Monday of the month, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. April Ratcliffe 216.383.3782 Mentor Office 3rd Tuesday of the month, 10:30 to 11:30 a.m. Lisa Florjancic 216.383.2222 ext. 1052 University Hospitals, Geneva Behm and Hospice of the Western Reserve Support Group 2nd Monday of the month, 5:00 to 6:00 p.m. Karen Kincaid 216.486.6973

FOR THE YOUNG ADULT (20’s) The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center 3rd Wednesday of the month, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. Mary Murphy 216.383.2222 ext. 1732

PARENT LOSS A monthly support group for adults adjusting to life after the death of a parent. Lakewood Office 2nd Tuesday of the month, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. Judy Beckman 216.383.2222 ext. 1114

PARENTS TOGETHER A support group for parents coping with the death of an adult child. Registration is required. Lakewood Office Mondays, September 10 – October 1, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. Judy Beckman 216.383.2222 ext. 1114

Spousal Loss Groups NEW BEGINNINGS A monthly support group for young widows and widowers (ages 55 and younger). This group is open-ended and on-going. Registration is not required. Westlake St. John Medical Center, Westshore Professional Building 29160 Center Ridge Road, Suite R 2nd Wednesday of the month, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m. JoDee Coulter 216.383.2222 ext. 1301 Warrensville Heights Office 2nd Monday of the month, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. Vicki Jackson 216.383.2222 ext. 1197

NEW JOURNEY A support group for widows and widowers of any age, adjusting to life without their spouse. This group is open ended and on-going. Registration is not required. The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center 2nd Thursday of the month, 10:00 to 11:30 a.m. Diana Battles 216.486.6364 Ashtabula Office 2nd Thursday of the month, 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. Karen Kincaid 216.486.6973

HORIZONS A monthly support group for the older adult widow and widower. This group is open ended and on-going. Mayfield Village Baptist Church 6500 Highland Road, Mayfield 2nd Tuesday of the month, 1:00 to 2:30 p.m. Kathryn Harrison Brown 216.486.6331 Lorain County Community College Spitzer Conference Center, Room 113 1005 Abbe Road North, Elyria 1st Friday of the month, 10:30 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. Laurie Mason 216.383.2222 ext. 1359

HOPEFUL HEARTS Grief support for anyone age 60 and over who has experienced the death of someone special. Holy Spirit Family Center 410 Lear Road, Avon Lake 4th Tuesday of the month, 1:00 to 2:30 p.m. JoDee Coulter 216.383.2222 ext. 1301

TRANSITIONS “New Group” A 4-week support group designed for the bereaved long term caregiver.  Providing care for a loved one for an extended period of time is a life changing experience.  Coping and readjusting to a life that is not defined by the caregiving needs of a loved one can be overwhelming.  Learn the 3 R’s of moving through grief ’s journey.   Summit Office Thursday, September 13 – October 4, 1:30 to 3:00 p.m. Joan Tabaj 216.383.2222 ext. 2246

Workshop GRIEVING THE DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIP Workshop for adults dealing with the loss of a difficult/ conflicted relationship. Light refreshments. Registration is required. Warrensville Heights Office Thursday, December 6, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. Vicki Jackson 216.383.2222 ext. 1197

Children & Family Support Groups S.T.A.R.S. (Supporting Tears, Anger, Remembrance & Sadness) A six-week support group for grieving children ages 6-12. While the children are meeting, there is an adult support group to assist parents and family members in dealing with their own grief. The groups are free and open to the public. Registration is required. The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center Wednesdays, September 12 – October 17, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. Colleen Thompson 216.486.6316

HELPING HANDS/HEALING HEARTS A monthly support group for children ages 6-13 and adults, who have experienced the death of a loved one. While the adults are meeting, there is a co-existing support group for the children. Registration is not required. The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center 3rd Tuesday of each month, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. Colleen Thompson 216.486.6316

FABRIC AND FEELINGS A weekly group where participants use fabric techniques such as quilting (sometimes involving clothing from loved ones) or photo transfer to create quilts, pillows, dolls and other types of lasting memories. Sewing expertise is not necessary. The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center Thursdays, 2:00 to 4:00 p.m. Mollie Postotnik 216.486.6544

Support Groups Continued on Page 6 >>

5

Funded in part by residents of Cuyahoga County through Cuyahoga Arts & Culture

JOURNAL OF MEMORIES Create a small journal of written memories about your loved one. At the first session, participants will use water colors to paint the background of the journal. We will assemble them at the second session. A selection of helpful questions to journal about will be provided.

Healing Arts Workshops, Fall 2012 Healing Arts Workshops provide grieving people with a creative outlet for their grief and are open to the community. No art experience is necessary. Call Mollie Postotnik at 216.486.6544 or email her at mpostotnik@hospicewr. org to register no later than four days in advance of workshop date. Suggested $5.00 donation for supplies.

PAINTING THE LIGHT Paint a candle to commemorate your loved one. Combining acrylic paint and adhesion, make a beautiful design on the surface of the candle itself. If you wish, you may bring your own plain white pillar candle (not in glass) or use ours. A candlelight ceremony will complete the evening. Summit Office Tuesday, October 2, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.

AUTUMN LEAVES Did your loved one have a favorite tree? Did you take walks in the fall crunching through the leaves? Create autumn leaves out of paper clay the first week, and paint them with watercolors at the second session.

New Westside Location! Westlake Center for Community Services 29694 Center Ridge Road, Westlake, 44145 Both Tuesdays, October 9 and 16, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Warrensville Heights Office Both Wednesdays, October 10 and 17, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center Both Thursdays, October 11 and 18, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.

New Westside Location! Westlake Center for Community Services 29694 Center Ridge Road, Westlake, 44145 Both Tuesdays, November 6 and 13, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Warrensville Heights Office Both Wednesdays, November 7 and 14, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center Both Thursdays, November 8 and 15, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.

SAVE THE DATE

Art For Relaxation: 3-D Paper Snowflakes These unbelievably simple large 3-D snowflakes are fun to make. They will add wintery beauty to your holiday décor and remind you of the unique individuality of your loved one.

New Westside Location! Westlake Center for Community Services 29694 Center Ridge Road, Westlake, 44145 Tuesday, December 11, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Warrensville Heights Office Wednesday, December 12, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center Thursday, December 13, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.

Comforting Your Mind, Body & Spirit: An Adult Bereavement Retreat Join other adults who have experienced the death of a loved one for a day of reflection, renewal and creativity.  The fee is $20 and lunch will be provided. Registration is required. Call Felicia Dunlop-Stanley at 216.486.6335. Saturday, Oct. 6, 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Wildwood Cultural Center, 7645 Little Mountain Rd., Mentor

Hospice of the Western Reserve Office Locations

6

Lakeshore Campus 300 East 185th Street Cleveland, OH 44119-1330 216.383.2222

Ashtabula Office 1166 Lake Avenue Ashtabula, OH 44004-2930 440.997.6619

Mentor Office 5786 Heisley Road Mentor, OH 44060-1830 440.951.8692

Ames Family Hospice House 30080 Hospice Way Westlake, Ohio 44145-1077 440.414.7349

Lakewood Office 14601 Detroit Avenue, Suite 100 Lakewood, OH  44107-4212 216.227.9048

Summit Office 150 Springside Drive, Suite A-100 Fairlawn, OH 44334 330.800.2240

Headquarters 17876 St. Clair Avenue Cleveland, OH 44110-2602 800.707.8922

Lorain Office 2173 N. Ridge Road E., Suite H Lorain, OH  44055-3400 440.787.2080

Warrensville Heights Office 4670 Richmond Road, Suite 200 Warrensville Hts, OH 44128-5978 216.454.0399

Westlake Office 29101 Health Campus Drive, Building 2, Suite 400 Westlake, OH 44145-5268 440.892.6680 The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center 300 East 185th Street Cleveland, OH 44119-1330 216.486.6838

hospicewr.org

A Child's View The end of summer; the end of sleeping in; the end of slacking off! For many grieving kids, fall can feel like another ending. You may even feel a little afraid to leave the safety of home and family. Nothing and nobody is the same since the death.

By Colleen Thompson, LSW Sometimes you may even need to get a little support from a teacher, school counselor or children’s bereavement coordinator. Attending a bereavement group with other grieving kids can help you cope and feel less alone.

But fall can also feel like a new beginning: new teachers, new supplies, new friends, maybe even a new school. Some kids actually feel relieved to get back to the routine. You may be glad to take a break from all the memories and sadness and want to focus on something else for a change.

Grief is exhausting and can feel overwhelming. Try to get enough rest and exercise. Spend some time walking around outdoors and watching the seasons change. If you forget things, make checklists of your daily assignments and goals. Checking off completed tasks can help you stay organized and feel more in control.

Unfortunately, sometimes “focusing” is the problem. Science or math might be interesting, then suddenly you remember all over again. Maybe someone asks you about your loved one or says something mean. Maybe you want to cry or yell or maybe you just can’t seem to think anymore. It’s normal to have these kind of experiences.

Some days will be better than others. The goal is not to be perfect, just persistent! Every day is a new opportunity to try again. That’s probably just what your loved one would want you to do. We are here to help. Please see inside for group information and we hope you will join us December 10th for Holiday Family Night.

Children’s Bereavement Camp Our fourteenth annual Together We Can bereavement day camp was a great success! Fifty children gathered to spend three days sharing laughter and tears, honoring loved ones, and learning ways to express feelings and cope with their grief. Most importantly, they had a great time and met others who have also experienced a loss. We would like to thank the many paid and unpaid staff who committed their time and talents to make this a great event, as well as the numerous individuals who contributed funds to purchase supplies and provide camper scholarships. Many thanks also go to Kaiser Permanente, the Dominion Foundation, Stuart and Associates, Pat and Patricia Perry, and Miklus Florists. Your support for our camp is priceless! 7

Non-profit Org. U.S. Postage

PAID

Cleveland, OH Permit No. 848

300 East 185th Street Cleveland, OH 44119 -1330 Serving Ashtabula, Cuyahoga, Geauga, Lake, Lorain and Summit Counties with offices throughout. Hospice Resale Shop in Lyndhurst 800.707.8922

| hospicewr.org

Find us on:

Go green! If you would like your copy of About Grief emailed to you, please send your email address to Diane Snyder Cowan at [email protected]

© Copyright 2012 All Rights Reserved

The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center is a community-based grief support program that provides services throughout Northern Ohio. We offer support to anyone who has experienced a loss due to death.

Growing Season, A Healing Journey into the Heart of Nature By Arlene Bernstein The book, Growing Season, describes the grief and healing journey of the author through living on the land of the Mount Veeder Winery, tending her garden. The garden is a place where she discovers peace and relief from her pain. The lessons from the garden and the land teach her about grief, healing and life. The metaphors that the author discovers in the garden are descriptive, simple and beautiful and can relate to all types of grief.

Book review By Lesley Dials, LISW

8

“I do not have a plan. I panic with anxiety for a moment. Where do I start? ‘Stay calm and attentive,’ the earth assures me. ‘You needn’t impose a plan; it will emerge.’ I relax. Stand still. Breathe deeply. I let in the sensation of the sunshine bathing my skin, the sounds of busy insects buzzing, the perfume of the waxy white lime blossoms and the solidity of the earth beneath my feet. And soon, like a magnet, I feel pulled first to one spot, then another. Tomatoes near the lime tree. Of course! Squash next to the fence. Garlic near the lettuce. Beans next to the strawberries. It’s as if each plant knows its best home and just has to lead me to it. I am merely the vehicle.” The book is divided into three sections; Seeds, Fertile Ground, and Ripening and Harvest. In Seeds, Bernstein describes the painful losses of her children and the grief experienced after these losses. Fertile Ground comprises the largest section of the book and relates how she found peace and relief in her garden Ripening and Harvest ends the story with lessons she has learned from the earth. The author talks of many things--experiencing the pain of loss, letting go and letting in, finding forgiveness for others and herself, and finding an open heart once again. She shares with the reader how connecting to nature is healing in this beautifully written account.