FACTOR VI: PERSONALAND INTERPERSONAL SKILLS CLUSTER N: RELATING SKILLS

31 Interpersonal Savvy The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer. Henry David Thoreau – American author, poet, and philosopher

Section 1: Your Development Need(s) Unskilled  Doesn’t relate smoothly to a variety of people  May not build relationships easily—may lack approachability or good listening skills  Doesn’t take the time to build rapport  May be too raw and direct at times  May be excessively work oriented or intense  May be impatient to get on with the agenda; judgmental or arrogant toward others  May not read others well  May freeze or panic in the face of conflict, attack or criticism  May be shy or lack confidence around others Select one to three of the competencies listed below to use as a substitute for this competency if you decide not to work on it directly.

Substitutes: 1,3,7,10,12,15,21,27,33,37,39,41,42,49,60

Skilled  Relates well to all kinds of people—up, down, and sideways, inside and outside the organization  Builds appropriate rapport  Builds constructive and effective relationships  Uses diplomacy and tact  Can defuse even high-tension situations comfortably

Overused Skill  May be able to get by with smooth interpersonal skills  May spend too much time building networks and glad-handing  May not be taken as substantive by some  May not be a credible take-charge leader when that’s necessary  May have some trouble and freeze when facing serious conflict Select one to three of the competencies listed below to work on to compensate for an overuse of this skill.

Compensators: 1,5,9,12,13,20,24,34,36,50,51,52,57,62,65

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 Arrogant, impatient, insensitive  Can’t handle disagreement and attacks  Defensive in the face of criticism  Don’t know what to do in various interpersonal situations  Judgmental, rigid  Narrow  Not self-confident  Poor listening skills  Poor time management; too busy  Shy; afraid of transacting with new people; lack of self-confidence  Too intense; can’t relax

Leadership Architect® Factors and Clusters This competency is in the Personal and Interpersonal Skills Factor (VI). This competency is in the Relating Skills Cluster (N) with: 3. You may want to check other competencies in the same Factor/Cluster for related tips.

The Map The key to getting along with all kinds of people is to hold back or neutralize your personal reactions and focus on others first. Being savvy is working from the outside in. Then, interpersonal savvy becomes having a range of interpersonal skills and approaches and knowing when to use what with whom. The outcome is ease of transaction where you get what you need without damaging other parties unnecessarily and leave them wanting to work with you again.

Section 2: Learning on Your Own These self-development remedies will help you build your skill(s).

Some Remedies  1. Not tuned in to people’s styles? Be interpersonally flexible. Except from a moral viewpoint (everyone is equal in the eyes of their creator), all people are different. There is a rich variety and diversity of people. Physical is easy to see. Height. Weight. Speed. Some personal characteristics are easy as well. Smart; not so smart. Articulate; not so articulate. Warm; cold. Composed; emotional. Good presenter; poor presenter. Other human characteristics are a little harder to read. Motivated; not so motivated. Good values; not so good values. Integrity? Decisive? Fair? To understand the differences, look to the obvious first. What do they do first? What do they emphasize in their speech? People focus on different things— COPYRIGHT © 1996–2010 LOMINGER INTERNATIONAL: A KORN/FERRY COMPANY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. MICHAEL M. LOMBARDO & ROBERT W. EICHINGER

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taking action, details, concepts, feelings, other people. What’s their interaction style? People come in different styles—pushy, tough, soft, matter-of-fact and so on. To figure these out, listen for the values behind their words and note what they have passion and emotion around. One key to getting anything of value done in the work world is the ability to see differences in people and to manage against and use those differences for everyone’s benefit. Interpersonal savvy is meeting each person where he/she is to get done what you need to get done. Basically, people respond favorably to ease of transaction. If you make it easy by accepting their normal mode of doing things, not fighting their style, and neither defending your own nor letting style get in the way of performance, things will generally run smoothly. More help? – See #56 Sizing Up People.

 2. Does your style chill the transaction? Tailor your approach to fit others’ needs. Arrogant? Insensitive? Distant? Too busy to pay attention? Too quick to get into the agenda? Do you devalue others and dismiss their contributions, resulting in people feeling diminished, rejected and angry? Do you offer answers, solutions, conclusions, statements, or dictates early in the transaction? That’s the staple of people with a non-savvy style. Not listening. Instant output. Sharp reactions. Don’t want to be that way? Read your audience. Do you know what people look like when they are uncomfortable with you? Do they back up? Stumble over words? Cringe? Stand at the door hoping not to get invited in? You should work doubly hard at observing others. Always select your interpersonal approach from the other person in, not from you out. Your best choice of approach will always be determined by the other person or group, not you. Think about each transaction as if the other person were a customer you wanted. How would you craft an approach? More help? – See #45 Personal Learning and #112 Insensitive to Others.

 3. In a hurry to get down to business? Manage the first three minutes. Managing the first three minutes is essential. The tone is set. First impressions are formed. Work on being open and approachable, and take in information during the beginning of a transaction. This means putting others at ease so that they feel OK about disclosing. It means initiating rapport, listening, sharing, understanding and comforting. Approachable people get more information, know things earlier, and can get others to do more things. The more you can get them to initiate and say early in the transaction, the more you’ll know about where they are coming from, and the better you can tailor your approach. More help? – See #3 Approachability.

 4. Quick to judge? Be a better listener. Interpersonally skilled people are very good at listening. They listen to understand and take in information to select their response. They listen without interrupting. They ask clarifying questions. They don’t instantly judge. Judgment might come later. They restate what the other person has said to signal understanding. They nod. They might jot down notes. Listeners get more data. More help? – See #33 Listening. COPYRIGHT © 1996–2010 LOMINGER INTERNATIONAL: A KORN/FERRY COMPANY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. MICHAEL M. LOMBARDO & ROBERT W. EICHINGER

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 5. Are you overly private? Share more. Interpersonally skilled people share more information and get more in return. Confide your thinking on a business issue and invite the response of others. Pass on tidbits of information you think will help people do their jobs better or broaden their perspectives. Disclose more things about yourself. Reveal things people don’t need to know to do their jobs, but which will be interesting to them, and help them feel valued. More help? – See #44 Personal Disclosure. Personalize. Work to know and remember important things about the people you work around, for, and with. Know three things about everybody—their interests or their children or something you can chat about other than the business agenda. Establish things you can talk about with each person you work with that go beyond strictly work transactions. These need not be social; they could also be issues of strategy, global events, market shifts. The point is to establish common ground and connections.

 6. Are you demonstrating genuine interest? Manage your non-verbals. Interpersonally savvy people understand the critical role of non-verbal communications, of appearing and sounding open and relaxed, smiling and calm. They keep consistent eye contact. They nod while the other person is talking. They speak in a paced and pleasant tone. Work to eliminate any disruptive habits such as speaking too rapidly or forcefully, using strongly worded or loaded language, or going into too much detail. Watch out for signaling disinterest with actions like glancing at your watch, fiddling with paperwork or giving your impatient ―I’m busy‖ look.

 7. Selective interpersonal skills? Accommodate differences. Some people are interpersonally comfortable and effective with some and not others. Some might be interpersonally smooth with direct reports and tense around senior management. What do the people you are comfortable around have in common? What about those you’re not comfortable with? Is it level? Style? Gender? Race? Background? The principles of interpersonal savvy are the same regardless of the audience. Do what you do with the comfortable group with the uncomfortable groups. The results will generally be the same.

 8. Shy? Make the first move. Lack self-confidence? Generally hold back and let others take the lead? Feelings of being too vulnerable? Afraid of how people will react? Not sure of your social skills? Want to appear—while shaking inside—not shy? Hand first. Consistent eye contact. Ask the first question. For lowrisk practice, talk to strangers off-work. Set a goal of meeting new people at every social gathering; find out what you have in common with them. Initiate contact at your place of worship, at PTA meetings, in the neighborhood, at the supermarket, on the plane and on the bus. See if any of the bad and scary things you think might happen to you if you initiate people contact actually happen. The only way people will know you are shy and nervous is if you tell them through your actions. Watch what non-shy people do that you don’t do. Practice those behaviors. COPYRIGHT © 1996–2010 LOMINGER INTERNATIONAL: A KORN/FERRY COMPANY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. MICHAEL M. LOMBARDO & ROBERT W. EICHINGER

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 9. Problems with troublesome people? Be savvy with people you don’t like. What do people see in them who do like them or can at least get along with them? What are their strengths? Do you have any common interests with them? Whatever you do, don’t signal to them what you think. Put your judgments on hold, nod, ask questions, summarize as you would with anyone else. A fly on the wall should not be able to tell whether you’re talking to friend or foe. You can always talk less and ask more questions; and neither apologize nor criticize. Even if they’re contentious, you can respond neutrally by restating the problem you’re working on.

 10. Are you a target? Turn around tense transactions. What if you’re attacked? What if venom is flowing? What if someone doesn’t like you very much? What if everyone is angry and upset? Practice interpersonal Aikido, the ancient art of absorbing the energy of your opponent and using it to manage him/her. Let the other side vent frustration, blow off steam, but don’t react directly. Remember that it’s the person who hits back who usually gets in the most trouble. Listen. Nod. Ask clarifying questions. Ask openended questions like, ―Why is this particularly bothersome to you?‖ ―What could I do to help?‖ ―So you think I need to….‖ Restate his/her position periodically to signal you have understood. But don’t react. Don’t judge. Keep him/her talking until he/she runs out of venom. When the other side takes a rigid position, don’t reject it. Ask why—what’s behind the position, what’s the theory of the case, what brought this about? Separate the people from the problem. When someone attacks you, rephrase it as an attack on a problem. Keep your cool even though he/she may have lost his/her cool. In response to unreasonable proposals, attacks, or a non-answer to a question, you can always say nothing. People will usually respond by saying more, coming off their position a bit, or at least revealing their true interests. Many times, with unlimited venting and your understanding, the actual conflict shrinks. More help? – See #12 Conflict Management.

Section 3: Learning from Feedback These sources would give you the most accurate and detailed feedback on your skill(s).

 1. Human Resource Professionals Human Resource professionals have both a formal and informal feedback role. Since they have access to unique and confidential information, they can provide the right context for feedback you’ve received. Sometimes they may be ―directed‖ to give you feedback. Other times, they may pass on feedback just to be helpful to you.  2. Off-Work Friends/Associates Those who know you socially ―with your guard down‖ can be a good source of feedback to compare with that of work peers and family members. If you’re different at work than you are socially, why? If you’re the same, feedback from friends just confirms the feedback. In a way, off-work friends may know the ―real you.‖ COPYRIGHT © 1996–2010 LOMINGER INTERNATIONAL: A KORN/FERRY COMPANY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. MICHAEL M. LOMBARDO & ROBERT W. EICHINGER

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 3. Past Associates/Constituencies When confronted with a present performance problem, some claim, ―I wasn’t like that before; it must be the current situation.‖ When feedback is available from former associates, about 50% support that claim. In the other half of the cases, the people were like that before and probably didn’t know it. It sometimes makes sense to access the past to clearly see the present.  4. Peers and Colleagues Peers and colleagues have a special social and working relationship. They attend staff meetings together, share private views, get feedback from the same boss, travel together, and are knowledgeable about each other’s work. You perhaps let your guard down more around peers and act more like yourself. They can be a valuable source of feedback.  5. Spouse Spouses can be powerful sources of feedback on such things as interpersonal style, values, balance between work, career, and personal life, etc. Many participants attending development programs share their feedback with their spouses for value-adding confirmation or context and for specific examples.

Section 4: Learning from Develop-in-Place Assignments These part-time develop-in-place assignments will help you build your skill(s).

 Integrate diverse systems, processes, or procedures across decentralized and/or dispersed units.  Study humor in business settings; read books on the nature of humor; collect cartoons you could use in presentations; study funny people around you; keep a log of funny jokes and sayings you hear; read famous speeches and study how humor was used; attend comedy clubs; ask a funny person to act as your tutor; practice funny lines and jokes with others.  Be a change agent; create a symbol for change; lead the rallying cry; champion a significant change and implementation.  Manage a group of people where you are a towering expert and the people in the group are not.  Manage a group of people who are towering experts but you are not.  Help shut down a plant, regional office, product line, business, operation, etc.  Manage a dissatisfied internal or external customer; troubleshoot a performance or quality problem with a product or service.  Manage the assigning/allocating of office space in a contested situation.  Resolve an issue in conflict between two people, units, geographies, functions, etc.  Make peace with an enemy or someone you’ve disappointed with a product or service or someone you’ve had some trouble with or don’t get along with very well. COPYRIGHT © 1996–2010 LOMINGER INTERNATIONAL: A KORN/FERRY COMPANY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. MICHAEL M. LOMBARDO & ROBERT W. EICHINGER

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Section 5: Learning from Full-Time Jobs These full-time jobs offer the opportunity to build your skill(s).

 1. Cross-Moves The core demands necessary to qualify as a Cross-Move are: (1) Move to a very different set of challenges. (2) Abrupt jump/shift in tasks/activities. (3) Never been there before. (4) New setting/conditions. Examples of Cross-Moves are: (1) Changing divisions. (2) Changing functions. (3) Field/headquarters shifts. (4) Line/staff switches. (5) Country switches. (6) Working with all new people.(7) Changing lines of business.  2. Member of Projects/Task Forces The core demands for qualifying as a Project/Task Force assignment are: (1) Member of a group with an important and specific goal. (2) Tight deadline. (3) Success or failure will be evident. (4) High-visibility sponsor. (5) Learning something on the fly. (6) Must cooperate with others. (7) Usually six months or more. Three types of Projects/Task Forces: (1) New ideas, products, services, or systems (e.g., product/service/program research and development, creation/installation/launch of a new system, programs like TQM, ISO and Six Sigma, positive discipline). (2) Formal negotiations and relationships (e.g., acquisitions; divestitures; agreements; joint ventures; licensing arrangements; franchising; dealing with unions, governments, communities, charities, customers, and relocations). (3) Big one-time events (e.g., working on a major presentation for the board; organizing significant meetings or conferences; reorganizations, mergers, acquisitions, or relocations; working on visions, charters, strategies, other timeurgent issues and problems).  3. Staff Leadership (Influencing Without Authority) The core demands to qualify as Staff Leadership are: (1) Significant challenge (e.g., start-up, fix-it, scope and/or scale assignment, strategic planning project, changes in management practices/systems). (2) Insufficient direct authority to make it happen. (3) Tight deadlines. (4) Visible to significant others. (5) Sensitive politics. Examples of Staff Leadership (Influencing Without Authority) jobs would be: (1) Leading a support function without P&L responsibilities. (2) Managing an internal consulting function for the organization (e.g., OD or HR consultant). (3) Project manager of a cross-functional or cross-departmental initiative. (4) Managing a cross-functional, matrixed team.

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Section 6: Learning from Your Plan These additional remedies will help make this development plan more effective for you.

Learning to Learn Better  1. Look Beyond Your First Solution to a Problem Don’t always take the first action you think of. Look further for a second and third: What’s different? Might the second or third be more effective? Research shows that the best solution lies somewhere between the second and third strategies or approaches. Your first solution is often an ―autopilot‖ response and may not be the best.  2. Use Objective Data When Judging Others Practice studying other people more than judging or evaluating them. Get the facts, the data, how they think, why they do things—without classifying them into your internal like/dislike or agree/disagree boxes, categories, or buckets. Try to project or predict how they would act/react in various situations, and follow up to see how accurate you are.  3. Examine Why You Judge People the Way You Do List the people you like and those you dislike and try to find out why. What do those you like have in common with each other and with you? What do those you dislike have in common with each other and how do they differ from you? Are your ―people buckets‖ logical and productive or do they interfere? Could you be more effective without putting people into buckets?  4. Analyze How You Perform Under Several Roles Do an analysis of yourself as a contributor, boss, manager, professional, parent, spouse, and/or friend. Create a list of criteria for each role and evaluate yourself against it. Pick a few things to work on for each role to improve.

Learning from Experience, Feedback, and Other People  5. Using Multiple Models Who exemplifies how to do whatever your need is? Who, for example, personifies decisiveness or compassion or strategic agility? Think more broadly than your current job and colleagues. For example, clergy, friends, spouses, or community leaders are also good sources for potential models. Select your models not on the basis of overall excellence or likeability, but on the basis of the one towering strength (or glaring weakness) you are interested in. Even people who are well thought of usually have only one or two towering strengths (or glaring weaknesses). Ordinarily, you won’t learn as much from the whole person as you will from one characteristic. COPYRIGHT © 1996–2010 LOMINGER INTERNATIONAL: A KORN/FERRY COMPANY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. MICHAEL M. LOMBARDO & ROBERT W. EICHINGER

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 6. Learning from Mentors and Tutors Mentors and tutors offer a special case for learning since the relationship is specifically formed for learning. You need to be open and nondefensive. You need to solicit and accept feedback. This is a unique opportunity for you to get low-risk, honest, and direct feedback on what you do well and not so well.  7. Learning from Ineffective Behavior Seeing things done poorly can be a very potent source of learning for you, especially if the behavior or action affects others negatively. Many times the thing done poorly causes emotional reactions or pain in you and others. Distance yourself from the feelings and explore why the actions didn’t work.  8. Learning from Observing Others Observe others. Find opportunities to observe without interacting with your model. This enables you to objectively study the person, note what he/she is doing or not doing, and compare that with what you would typically do in similar situations. Many times you can learn more by watching than asking. Your model may not be able to explain what he/she does or may be an unwilling teacher.  9. Learning from Bad Bosses First, what does he/she do so well to make him/her your boss? (Even bad bosses have strengths.) Then, ask what makes this boss bad for you. Is it his/her behavior? Attitude? Values? Philosophy? Practices? Style? What is the source of the conflict? Why do you react as you do? Do others react the same? How are you part of the problem? What do you do that triggers your boss? If you wanted to, could you reduce the conflict or make it go away by changing something you do? Is there someone around you who doesn’t react like you? How are they different? What can you learn from them? What is your emotional reaction to this boss? Why do you react like that? What can you do to cope with these feelings? Can you avoid reacting out of anger and frustration? Can you find something positive about the situation? Can you use someone else as a buffer? Can you learn from your emotions? What lasting lessons of managing others can you take away from this experience? What won’t you do as a manager? What will you do differently? How could you teach these principles you’ve learned to others by the use of this example?

Learning from Courses  10. Insight Events These are courses designed around assessing skills and providing feedback to the participants. These events can be a powerful source of self-knowledge and can lead to significant development if done right. When selecting a self-insight course, consider the following: (1) Are the skills assessed the important ones? (2) Are the assessment techniques and instruments sound? (3) Are those who are providing the feedback trained and professional? (4) Is the feedback provided in a user-friendly and ―actionable‖ format? COPYRIGHT © 1996–2010 LOMINGER INTERNATIONAL: A KORN/FERRY COMPANY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. MICHAEL M. LOMBARDO & ROBERT W. EICHINGER

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(5) Does the feedback include development planning? (6) Is the setting comfortable and conducive to reflection and learning? (7) Are the other participants the kinds of people you could learn from? (8) Are you in the right frame of mind to learn from this kind of intense experience? Select events on the basis of positive answers to these eight questions.

The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people. Theodore Roosevelt – 26th President of the United States

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Suggested Readings Adler, R. B., & Elmhorst, J. M. (2005). Communicating at work: Principles and practices for business and the professions (8th ed.). New York: McGraw-Hill. Baker, W. E. (2000). Networking smart. New York: Backinprint.com. Bjorseth, L. D. (2009). Breakthrough networking: Building relationships that last (3rd ed.). Lisle, IL: Duoforce Enterprises. Bradberry, T., & Greaves, J. (2005). The emotional intelligence quick book: Everything you need to know to put your EQ to work. New York: Fireside. Carnegie, D. (2009). How to win friends and influence people (Reissue ed.). New York: Simon & Schuster. Cross, R., & Thomas, R. J. (2009). Driving results through social networks: How top organizations leverage networks for performance and growth. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Goleman, D., McKee, A., & Boyatzis, R. E. (2002). Primal leadership: Realizing the power of emotional intelligence. Boston: Harvard Business School Press. Gudykunst, W. B., & Kim, Y. Y. (2002). Communicating with strangers: An approach to intercultural communication. New York: McGraw-Hill. Gundry, L., & LaMantia, L. (2001). Breakthrough teams for breakneck times: Unlocking the genius of creative collaboration.Chicago: Dearborn Trade. Hargrove, R. (1999). Mastering the art of creative collaboration. New York: McGraw-Hill. Klaus, P. (2007). The hard truth about soft skills: Workplace lessons smart people wish they‘d learned sooner. New York: HarperCollins. Mai, R., & Akerson, A. (2003). The leader as communicator: Strategies and tactics to build loyalty, focus effort, and spark creativity. New York: AMACOM. Maxwell, J. C. (2004). Relationships 101. London: Thomas Nelson. Silberman, M. L. (with Hansburg, F.). (2005). PeopleSmart: Developing your interpersonal intelligence. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons. Thomas, D. C., & Inkson, K. (2004). Cultural intelligence: People skills for global business. San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler. Vengel, A. A. (2000). The influence edge: How to persuade others to help you achieve your goals. San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler Publishers.

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